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The Official Advice Thread

Fortunato

Sic Transit Gloria
become a cashier

the job's easy to find and you'll deal with the worst of humanity which should prepare you for the real world and teach you how to deal with people

don't listen to this guy who implies being out of your comfort zone is a bad thing though:

As a cashier and an introvert myself I approve this message.
 

Kikkoman

Well-Known Member
Hey everyone,

Without wanting to go into excessive detail, I'm currently not too happy with my relationship. Been with my girlfriend for over 2 and a half years, but I guess for a while I haven't been incredibly thrilled about it - she had her final year at uni though and I didn't want to stuff things up so I stayed with her through that. Now that's over, and she's gotten a postgrad offer in another continent, for 9 months, and I seriously don't see me wanting to put up with the distance for that long. Plus, again without wanting to go into too much detail, we still haven't actually even done it (we're both 21 now) and that's been an issue for me for a while - I've never pushed it up on her, but I was kinda hoping she'd be comfortable with the idea by now at least... Perhaps the worst thing out of all of this is that, maybe fuelled by my current discontent, and also my lack of "getting some" with her, I've very much become ok with looking at other girls, kinda fantasizing about them, talking to them and stuff... almost as if setting foreground in case a relationship could start with them, whilst still keeping it friends only! The only annoying thing is that I tried to break up with her at one point, and then it just didn't feel right to break up with her... I don't know if I'm being a sort of "have your cake and eat it too" guy at the moment, but I feel like I'm struggling to make the final break, which could probably leave us both happier in the long run anyway...

Sorry for adding to the vast amount of relationship talk already on here =(
 

GhostAnime

Searching for her...
One thing's for sure, you have to get this settled before she possibly leaves for those nine months.

Try to figure out whether you're not thrilled because of who she is or because there is no sex. Then, I could give something a bit more in-depth.
 

varanus_komodoensis

they call me Varanus
One thing's for sure, you have to get this settled before she possibly leaves for those nine months.

Try to figure out whether you're not thrilled because of who she is or because there is no sex. Then, I could give something a bit more in-depth.

I totally agree with this. You've been with this girl for two and a half years - surely you know if you love her for who she is by now. A 9-month postgrad offer would not break apart a loving relationship that's been solid for almost three years. Furthermore, sex is something that you should have talked about over two years ago. Maybe she's waiting until marriage to have sex - which is a perfectly reasonable and respectable choice - and she assumes that you know that. If she is, and you're not willing to wait for her, then you don't really love her.
 

Prelude

Prelude
if a relationship isnt making you happy then you should be talking about it

if you talk about it though she'll probably assume you'll cheat on her during those 9 months

so you might as well do that too

jk

but really though don't be in a relationship just to be in one
 

Kikkoman

Well-Known Member
It's not just the sex thing, I will say - on that, she's always kinda said that she only wanted it to be with one person because she didn't want to be hurt if someone she slept with decided to leave her, but only after a while did she actually say "I don't want to have sex til marriage because of religious reasons etc". I can, and do, respect that, but it still leaves me kinda wanting something that I can't get. There's other things though, certain things about the ways she behaves and stuff that do get to me, and while I know that relationships can be very frustrating, I feel that these things bother me more than should be considered "normal things" to tolerate in a relationship. I feel like I've got my answer about what to do, maybe I just do find it hard to come to grips with being single again after being in this for so long.
 

varanus_komodoensis

they call me Varanus
It's not just the sex thing, I will say - on that, she's always kinda said that she only wanted it to be with one person because she didn't want to be hurt if someone she slept with decided to leave her, but only after a while did she actually say "I don't want to have sex til marriage because of religious reasons etc". I can, and do, respect that, but it still leaves me kinda wanting something that I can't get. There's other things though, certain things about the ways she behaves and stuff that do get to me, and while I know that relationships can be very frustrating, I feel that these things bother me more than should be considered "normal things" to tolerate in a relationship. I feel like I've got my answer about what to do, maybe I just do find it hard to come to grips with being single again after being in this for so long.

Well, I really think that if she said she doesn't want sex until marriage, then you should not expect her to change her mind on it. She set the boundary line and you shouldn't expect her to sleep with you. Not having sex until you're married is hard, but it's a beautiful and honorable choice. It's good that you respect her for it. I don't think that that "I want to have sex and you won't let me so I'm going to leave you" is a good reason to leave a loving 2-year relationship, but if you are having problems other than that and you just don't think she's right for you, then you should break up with her if it will make you and her happier in the long run. You're both only 21 years old and you have plenty of time to find the right person.
 

Kikkoman

Well-Known Member
I just had a very rational talk with her and we both seem to agree that we shouldn't stay together through the 9 month period - we both have realised that we're not giving each other 100% what we each want; just now though, we're not sure about this 2 month lead up, but will figure things out =) Looks like it might be pretty amicable, which is really the best anyone could ask for, and I think it comes from the level of respect that we hold for each other.
 
My life has been rather turbulent recently. It mostly started when I went to see a therapist about some stress and anxiety regarding the fact that I'm gay. This has mostly to do with my father's bigoted appoach to just about everything, so needless to say I don't ever feel at ease when he's home (he works out of town and drops in about every week or so), although this is a culmination of years of disatancing and loathing that has more or less come to the point where I avoid any real contact for the weekend (being the chief timeframe in which he is home).

Now this mess continues as I began to develop a crush for my best friend of four years now, a person I trust more than anyone, bar none. We have always been frank about a variety of topics from sex to everyday life, so he's known that I'm gay years before any therapist told me to come out. As time has passed, we insisted that we remained a purely platonic duo, which of course brings us to now. A couple of days ago, he told me that'd he'd been harbouring a similar crush for the better part of the last year. I admit the same, and we ambiguously post that each of us were in a complicated relationship as we tried to sort out the details of the situation before we came out about it publically. Fortunately enough, my mother catches wind of my relationship (damn you social networking, and myself for not forseeing this obvious outcome), and threatens to tell my father, knowing that I am gay. So far she hasn't really spoken up about anything yet, but she may not have much to worry about.

Yesterday, my new boyfriend revealed that he would finally be moving to California as soon as this Sunday (no word back from him on this, by the way). I've known he would be movng, but it's never been a set time frame. Needless to say, I am not taking this well. I'm coping with it I suppose, but locking myself in my room is all I can do to keep myself from breaking anymore.

As friends, the two of us stay in consant contact, speaking up to three hours a day on the phone, and we've been doing so for pretty much all four years of our friendship. I suppose I don't really know how I feel about the situation, aside from the fact that it really ****ing hurts. Regardless to what it may mean, I do love him, and I can't lose him as a friend. Even though I don't think our friendship is in any particular danger, I'm just really ****ing scared.
I don't really know what advice I'd be hoping to gain from posting this, I suppose I just needed to get it out there. Alas, any advice would be more than welcome.
 

varanus_komodoensis

they call me Varanus
My life has been rather turbulent recently. It mostly started when I went to see a therapist about some stress and anxiety regarding the fact that I'm gay. This has mostly to do with my father's bigoted appoach to just about everything, so needless to say I don't ever feel at ease when he's home (he works out of town and drops in about every week or so), although this is a culmination of years of disatancing and loathing that has more or less come to the point where I avoid any real contact for the weekend (being the chief timeframe in which he is home).

Now this mess continues as I began to develop a crush for my best friend of four years now, a person I trust more than anyone, bar none. We have always been frank about a variety of topics from sex to everyday life, so he's known that I'm gay years before any therapist told me to come out. As time has passed, we insisted that we remained a purely platonic duo, which of course brings us to now. A couple of days ago, he told me that'd he'd been harbouring a similar crush for the better part of the last year. I admit the same, and we ambiguously post that each of us were in a complicated relationship as we tried to sort out the details of the situation before we came out about it publically. Fortunately enough, my mother catches wind of my relationship (damn you social networking, and myself for not forseeing this obvious outcome), and threatens to tell my father, knowing that I am gay. So far she hasn't really spoken up about anything yet, but she may not have much to worry about.

Yesterday, my new boyfriend revealed that he would finally be moving to California as soon as this Sunday (no word back from him on this, by the way). I've known he would be movng, but it's never been a set time frame. Needless to say, I am not taking this well. I'm coping with it I suppose, but locking myself in my room is all I can do to keep myself from breaking anymore.

As friends, the two of us stay in consant contact, speaking up to three hours a day on the phone, and we've been doing so for pretty much all four years of our friendship. I suppose I don't really know how I feel about the situation, aside from the fact that it really ****ing hurts. Regardless to what it may mean, I do love him, and I can't lose him as a friend. Even though I don't think our friendship is in any particular danger, I'm just really ****ing scared.
I don't really know what advice I'd be hoping to gain from posting this, I suppose I just needed to get it out there. Alas, any advice would be more than welcome.


I don't know how much help I'm going to be with this, as I am not male and I am not gay. All that I know is that first, I'm really sorry about your situation, especially your father, and the fact that your best friend is moving so suddenly. I think if you and your friend really do love each other and if you've been friends for so long, that you shouldn't have anything to worry about. (Is your friend gay, too, or bisexual? And how long have you known?)

Anyway, the other thing I have to say is that if you have not lied on your profile, you're 16 and in high school. 16-year-old me would not have wanted to hear this, but when you are 16, you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't need to find your mate/true love/partner/whatever right now. If something happens and you can't be together anymore, it's going to be okay. Everything will work out and you should just take this relationship one day at a time, especially because it is so new. Don't worry about it and let what happens happen.
 

Kikkoman

Well-Known Member
That's a really hard situation; I've also been in a very similar situation when I was younger, 15 actually. I developed a same-sex crush on my best friend and couldn't keep it in anymore after about a year... but he wasn't gay, unfortunately - for 15 year old me's sake, anyway; he was really the only male crush I ever had, and I've since had a girlfriend (though we actually just broke up yesterday, dunno if you saw but I posted in this thread asking for some help with it too). Enough of my situations though (which kinda overlap and the result of which quite resembles yours), if you've been best friends for 4 years now, I honestly don't think that him moving away will change that. Whilst long distance relationships can be a bit straining, long distance friendships happen all the time, and if anything, the feelings that you harbour for each other will probably keep that friendship stronger than it would otherwise be. What will suck is the relationship not being as physical anymore, especially so soon after it's started. If your feelings grow with separation though, anything is possible - you can always try to catch up in holiday breaks or things like that =)

It can be hard dealing with parents, by the way, and I personally never told my parents or brother anything at all of having a male crush, but if you are happy with how you are, then you'd be surprised how many parents change their mind when it comes to the welfare and happiness of their own kids, especially if they really do love you. If things are a bit strained with your father, then maybe that might still be hard, but at least try to get your mum not to spill any beans, and if she loves you, then hopefully she'll understand your concern.

All the best with it, things like this are never easy, but one friend once gave me some advice - apparently it came from "Eat. Pray. Love." To love someone is in and of itself a beautiful thing, so enjoy that. The fact that it can make you feel up and down, happy and sad, is beautiful, because it brings you closer to understanding what it is to be human, to go through such an emotional whirl.
 
Thank you so much! I can undestand that I'm more than a little young to be looking for love like that, in fact it's why I haven't dated for a while. While the gay situation is a slightly more recent development, it's something between "I don't think it will go away," and, "I don't want it to go away," as it has become something I like about myself.

I actually do have a more recent development, and a hell of a lot of hope. I had apparently misunderstood where he was movng, as at some point the location was California, whereas now I know that he's only going as far as South Carolina. Living in Georgia, only hours away, we decded to see what we could work out, since he'll probably visit from time to time, not to mention we could probably see eachother once we both have our licenses.

Once again, I'm really happy I could get such great responses ( I haven't had better luck at the other forum I frequent), and thank you so much.
 

Darth Sabreus

Want to get a soda?
Hey guys I wanted to ask a quick question and get some simple advice. Compared to my friends, I have very little knowledge about music i.e who different bands or singers etc. are. Like if you were to name a band off the top of your head chances are I wouldn't know of them. Anorher example is when my friends used to chat about music I would pretty much end up zoning out and not contribute much to the conversation, which sort if made me feel a little bad. The question I want to put our here is that does anyone know any ways that I find out more about music? I have an iPod and I have a Spotify account which I used pretty infrequently. Don't get me wrong, I do love to listen to music especially Linkin Park and Taylor Swift, but I'd would like to expand so to speak. Bit of an odd question but if anyone has any suggestions that would be great.
 

pirate555

Word.
A lot of friendship groups base the weight of their communications and bonds on popular culture, so I see where you're coming from. There are two ways you can approach it, as I see.

a) The way you described, by finding an external way to catch up. Personally I'd recommend mainstream radio (or radio in the genre you and your friends prefer), since you can stick it on in the background and listen in if you hear anything you like. They almost always state the artist and the track as well, so that's a bonus.

b) Alternatively, you could ask your friends to bring you up to speed. Whenever they mention a band or track you don't recognise, ask them about it, and ask if you can listen to it with them. Most people leap at the chance to broadcast their music tastes to someone else, and it could produce its own long conversations which you'd be a part of. And no zoning out when you've asked the question! :p
 

AuroriumX

The Interceptor
Hey guys I wanted to ask a quick question and get some simple advice. Compared to my friends, I have very little knowledge about music i.e who different bands or singers etc. are. Like if you were to name a band off the top of your head chances are I wouldn't know of them. Anorher example is when my friends used to chat about music I would pretty much end up zoning out and not contribute much to the conversation, which sort if made me feel a little bad. The question I want to put our here is that does anyone know any ways that I find out more about music? I have an iPod and I have a Spotify account which I used pretty infrequently. Don't get me wrong, I do love to listen to music especially Linkin Park and Taylor Swift, but I'd would like to expand so to speak. Bit of an odd question but if anyone has any suggestions that would be great.

A great way to discover new music in Spotify (and Last.fm as well) is to see what artist are related to the specific artist you're listening to. This has helped me discover some great new artists that I would have probably missed otherwise.

Sharemyplaylists.com has also some great playlists to choose from if you're looking to discover music from a specific genre or subject.
 

Houka

Well-Known Member
My life has been rather turbulent recently. It mostly started when I went to see a therapist about some stress and anxiety regarding the fact that I'm gay. This has mostly to do with my father's bigoted appoach to just about everything, so needless to say I don't ever feel at ease when he's home (he works out of town and drops in about every week or so), although this is a culmination of years of disatancing and loathing that has more or less come to the point where I avoid any real contact for the weekend (being the chief timeframe in which he is home).

Now this mess continues as I began to develop a crush for my best friend of four years now, a person I trust more than anyone, bar none. We have always been frank about a variety of topics from sex to everyday life, so he's known that I'm gay years before any therapist told me to come out. As time has passed, we insisted that we remained a purely platonic duo, which of course brings us to now. A couple of days ago, he told me that'd he'd been harbouring a similar crush for the better part of the last year. I admit the same, and we ambiguously post that each of us were in a complicated relationship as we tried to sort out the details of the situation before we came out about it publically. Fortunately enough, my mother catches wind of my relationship (damn you social networking, and myself for not forseeing this obvious outcome), and threatens to tell my father, knowing that I am gay. So far she hasn't really spoken up about anything yet, but she may not have much to worry about.

Yesterday, my new boyfriend revealed that he would finally be moving to California as soon as this Sunday (no word back from him on this, by the way). I've known he would be movng, but it's never been a set time frame. Needless to say, I am not taking this well. I'm coping with it I suppose, but locking myself in my room is all I can do to keep myself from breaking anymore.

As friends, the two of us stay in consant contact, speaking up to three hours a day on the phone, and we've been doing so for pretty much all four years of our friendship. I suppose I don't really know how I feel about the situation, aside from the fact that it really ****ing hurts. Regardless to what it may mean, I do love him, and I can't lose him as a friend. Even though I don't think our friendship is in any particular danger, I'm just really ****ing scared.
I don't really know what advice I'd be hoping to gain from posting this, I suppose I just needed to get it out there. Alas, any advice would be more than welcome.

This is pretty troublesome but I'll say to keep contract with him and work with your life for a while. Your still young don't need a relationship being a top piroty at the moment. As for your parents well not talk to them about it if they are gonna make thing worst for you. I don't trust my parents and I barely talk to them about anything important but that's is such how I feel about mine may not e the same for yours.

Best to luck with this what the future holds.
 

GhostAnime

Searching for her...
Not to make a serious interjection but "you don't need a relationship you're young" is probably the silliest thing to even imply in my opinion.

Relationships are usually at their most fun when you're young. Does anybody else not agree with me on this?

You have little responsibilities. You're at your sexual peak. You're in the process of usually little to no commitments while discovering and learning new things about yourself and others.

Wouldn't it be an ideal time to be in relationships.. ?
 

pirate555

Word.
This is pretty troublesome but I'll say to keep contract with him and work with your life for a while. Your still young don't need a relationship being a top piroty at the moment. As for your parents well not talk to them about it if they are gonna make thing worst for you. I don't trust my parents and I barely talk to them about anything important but that's is such how I feel about mine may not e the same for yours.

Best to luck with this what the future holds.

I'd agree with this. The switch to a long-distance friendship/relationship is inevitable for now, so it's worth doing what you can to keep your bond ticking over, but try not to let it explode in emotion since it probably won't end well. In the mean time, find success in the other areas of your life, particularly in terms of work and education, since they'll be your means to reunite in the long run if you guys manage to stay close and committed over that time. It might help those in your life who aren't comfortable with your sexuality be less severe towards you, if it reminds them that you have an identity that stretches beyond your preference for men. People who are bigoted tend to be preoccupied with that single facet of someone's character (i.e. that they aren't straight); making as much of the rest of your life might help them broaden their perspective of you.

In the end though, it's your life and you should stand by what matters to you. If you keep your friend near in ways other than the geographical sense, and if you work hard to reunite in the future (and education/career is a worthy cause anyway), then I'm confident things will work out for you =)


Not to make a serious interjection but "you don't need a relationship you're young" is probably the silliest thing to even imply in my opinion.

Relationships are usually at their most fun when you're young. Does anybody else not agree with me on this?

You have little responsibilities. You're at your sexual peak. You're in the process of usually little to no commitments while discovering and learning new things about yourself and others.

Wouldn't it be an ideal time to be in relationships.. ?



Not sure about you but when I was a teenager I was more likely, not less likely, to fall head over heels for the person I was with and immediately be determined to marry them and live with them forever. And when this didn't work out I was miserable and down and out, and I didn't have the best time in my life. It might be a personal issue, but young love and relationships had strings attached by the thousand for me.

Now I take it more reasonably and "look before I jump", so I (hope I have) ended up with someone I could reasonably spend years alongside, and I definitely prefer this stage of my romantic life =)
 
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