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The Official Advice Thread
- Thread starter Mariya Shidou
- Start date
People who care about your well-being should be able to hear you out regardless of if you think you're overreacting or not. Besides, if you have any doubts about how you feel, it's always a good idea to talk to someone. Not even necessarily your parents first, but a teacher or even a friend.
In situations such as yours I think you're far better off talking to a professional than your parents, by all means tell them you aren't happy with your situation but at the end of the day, unless they are trained in that field, they are no more aware if what you are going through as you are. The professionals are educated & experienced to help people exactly when they go through what you are.
Pesky Persian
Caffeine Queen
So I don't normally post here looking for advice, but I'm kind of at the end of my rope and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I'll try to keep it brief, but no promises. So about two months ago or so, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost four years. There were a lot of reasons for this that I won't get into here, but the last straw was when I spent a weekend visiting my best friend and he got jealous and angry. He said a lot of really hurtful (and untrue) things, suggested I sleep with a random stranger, and said that he thought we should "take a break." So I dumped him because I don't play mind games like that. I am 100% positive his actions where with the intent to get me to feel guilty and beg him for forgiveness, but it didn't work out that way because I have more self-esteem than that now. He made a lot of (bullshit) excuses and said a lot of things that made zero sense. So I made it very clear early on that the relationship was over and that I was done dealing with this kind of thing (he's done a lot of borderline emotionally abusive/manipulative things in the past that I let slide because I was dumb). He texted me constantly (like, long 20-text long rants/explanations/etc) saying he made a mistake and asking if we could talk it out, etc. I told him that I said everything I had to say and that I didn't think there was anything more to talk about. So he continued to text me. Sometimes they were love-dovey I-can't-live-without-you drivel and sometimes they were more angry, calling me childish and disrespectful for not texting him back, etc. He has deluded himself into believing that my best friend and my mom talked me into breaking up with him (not true at all as they were not involved) and that I still have feelings for him (also not true because the only feeling I have for him now is annoyance).
Eventually, it got so bad that he was texting me incessantly while I was at work and getting angry that I wasn't texting back fast enough so I threatened to have my cell number changed if he didn't stop bothering me. So he stopped for a while. It seems like he stops for a few days to a week at a time, and then he texts me again out of the blue when I think he's finally done. I have been ignoring his texts because even if I text back with simply "I'm at work" or "I have nothing to say to you" he tells our mutual friends that me responding to him at all means that I am madly in love with him (no joke). I am just seriously tired of being harassed weekly and not having my decision respected. I understand that I completely shattered his heart and all, but I've also made it very clear that I am moving forward with my life and have absolutely no intention of taking him back. He just will not let it go. I've blocked him on Skype and Facebook. I feel like my only option to completely cut off his communication with me is to get my cell number changed, but the only problem with that is that I have some job applications out that have that number on them and I don't want to miss any job opportunities because I had to change my number. I don't know if I should take the potential loss of opportunities in favor of peace of mind or not. A friend suggested I send him a cease and desist letter, but I don't know if that would have an legal bearing and I'm worried that he'll read into as me still being in love with him because I contacted him at all.
Which brings me to my current predicament(s). Today is my birthday (woo...) and some of our mutual friends have warned me that he told them he shipped me a gift (even though they told him repeatedly not to because it was definitely a bad idea). I have no idea what it is as it hasn't gotten here yet. And I have no idea what to do with it once it gets here... My mom suggested I send it back unopened, but I'm worried that by sending it back he might see it as "communication" of some sort (and thereby continue believing I have feelings for him). Someone else suggested I open it, throw away anything personal (cards, letters, pictures, etc) that might be in it unopened, and donate the rest of the items if there are any. So I don't know if I should send it back when it gets here or just toss it in the trash? Because if I send it back, I can see him seeing it as "communication" that I love him but I'm also not going to text him and tell him that I threw it away if I do that because that is communication and I now know how he reads that. I also have some of his clothes that he left here and I don't know if I should ship them back to him (he hasn't asked for them back, though...) or just donate them to Goodwill. I'm kind of tempted to do the latter because I don't want any correspondence with him at all.
TL;DR How 2 deal w/ delusional manchild. Plz halp.
I'll try to keep it brief, but no promises. So about two months ago or so, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost four years. There were a lot of reasons for this that I won't get into here, but the last straw was when I spent a weekend visiting my best friend and he got jealous and angry. He said a lot of really hurtful (and untrue) things, suggested I sleep with a random stranger, and said that he thought we should "take a break." So I dumped him because I don't play mind games like that. I am 100% positive his actions where with the intent to get me to feel guilty and beg him for forgiveness, but it didn't work out that way because I have more self-esteem than that now. He made a lot of (bullshit) excuses and said a lot of things that made zero sense. So I made it very clear early on that the relationship was over and that I was done dealing with this kind of thing (he's done a lot of borderline emotionally abusive/manipulative things in the past that I let slide because I was dumb). He texted me constantly (like, long 20-text long rants/explanations/etc) saying he made a mistake and asking if we could talk it out, etc. I told him that I said everything I had to say and that I didn't think there was anything more to talk about. So he continued to text me. Sometimes they were love-dovey I-can't-live-without-you drivel and sometimes they were more angry, calling me childish and disrespectful for not texting him back, etc. He has deluded himself into believing that my best friend and my mom talked me into breaking up with him (not true at all as they were not involved) and that I still have feelings for him (also not true because the only feeling I have for him now is annoyance).
Eventually, it got so bad that he was texting me incessantly while I was at work and getting angry that I wasn't texting back fast enough so I threatened to have my cell number changed if he didn't stop bothering me. So he stopped for a while. It seems like he stops for a few days to a week at a time, and then he texts me again out of the blue when I think he's finally done. I have been ignoring his texts because even if I text back with simply "I'm at work" or "I have nothing to say to you" he tells our mutual friends that me responding to him at all means that I am madly in love with him (no joke). I am just seriously tired of being harassed weekly and not having my decision respected. I understand that I completely shattered his heart and all, but I've also made it very clear that I am moving forward with my life and have absolutely no intention of taking him back. He just will not let it go. I've blocked him on Skype and Facebook. I feel like my only option to completely cut off his communication with me is to get my cell number changed, but the only problem with that is that I have some job applications out that have that number on them and I don't want to miss any job opportunities because I had to change my number. I don't know if I should take the potential loss of opportunities in favor of peace of mind or not. A friend suggested I send him a cease and desist letter, but I don't know if that would have an legal bearing and I'm worried that he'll read into as me still being in love with him because I contacted him at all.
Which brings me to my current predicament(s). Today is my birthday (woo...) and some of our mutual friends have warned me that he told them he shipped me a gift (even though they told him repeatedly not to because it was definitely a bad idea). I have no idea what it is as it hasn't gotten here yet. And I have no idea what to do with it once it gets here... My mom suggested I send it back unopened, but I'm worried that by sending it back he might see it as "communication" of some sort (and thereby continue believing I have feelings for him). Someone else suggested I open it, throw away anything personal (cards, letters, pictures, etc) that might be in it unopened, and donate the rest of the items if there are any. So I don't know if I should send it back when it gets here or just toss it in the trash? Because if I send it back, I can see him seeing it as "communication" that I love him but I'm also not going to text him and tell him that I threw it away if I do that because that is communication and I now know how he reads that. I also have some of his clothes that he left here and I don't know if I should ship them back to him (he hasn't asked for them back, though...) or just donate them to Goodwill. I'm kind of tempted to do the latter because I don't want any correspondence with him at all.
TL;DR How 2 deal w/ delusional manchild. Plz halp.
AquaMilotic
yay
First of all, I'm sorry to hear your relationship ended that way after being together for so long, but it sounds like you made the right decision.
Anyways, I think you should change your phone number and try to get the job applications on your new number, so you still see everything you want to see. Is that possible? Sorry, I don't really know much about this stuff. And even if it's not possible, peace in your mind would still be more important, I think. Money earned by having a job is useful, but money can't buy happiness.
And if I were you, I would open the gift and donate it to charity shops. With the clothes he left in your house, I think you should do the same. You definitely don't want to keep them, and sending them back will give him the wrong idea. That way, the gift and clothes will get a good destination, and you don't need to make any contact with him.
Also, if your ex knows your address, did he try visiting you against your will yet? I really hope he won't do that...
This situation just kind of sucks, because unless he sees himself in the wrong he won't stop. You could get a restraining order or something, and that might help, but it might not stop it completely either and you'll still get stuff.
It's just a crappy situation to be in, especially when it does stuff like mess up your birthday.
Wow, what a douche.
Is your phone a fixed contract/payment or do you pay just when you need to use the phone? If it's the latter you could get a new number for your everyday use but just check the old one incrementally for any voice mails left on your job applications, once these jobs have expired then change them all to the new number, no point letting a petty guy ruin an excellent career opportunity. As for the presents &/or clothes either trash them or give them to a charity of some sorts and toss away the personal things, don't give him the satisfaction of any contact, that's exactly what he is craving by being a massive pain in the ***. With any luck prolonged cut off of contact will eventually sink in and he can move on.
Ps. Happy Birthday, have a great day!
GrizzlyB
Confused and Dazed
I've never had to do either of these things myself, but I believe that you can: A) have a specific number blocked from calling/texting your phone if you contact your provider and request it, and B) simply write "return to sender" on any U.S. mail (not sure about FedEx/UPS or whatever, but I believe they do similar deal) and they will return it without you needing to repackage/address it, buy postage, or anything that requires any effort (I don't know how any person would be able to read any context into that -- but I've been surprised before). I'd Goodwill the clothes.
Also, iirc, you guys were long-distance and have probably ~1000 miles between the two of you, right? I assume you're not entertaining the notion in the first place, but I would seriously recommend against a cease-and-desist or a restraining order or any other legal action. It's way more trouble for both of you than it needs to be.
Pesky Persian
Caffeine Queen
Thanks, guys. I really appreciate the responses.
@AquaMilotic: He hasn't tried to visit me yet, no. Early on when we were still talking, he said he'd bought plane tickets because someone told him it would be romantic to show up on my doorstep uninvited.... I shut that down real quick. (Protip to anyone else reading this: It's not cute/romantic to show up uninvited to your ex's house. Life is not an 80s RomCom and nobody wants you standing outside their window with a boombox. Don't do that shit.) Apparently, he's considered it a few other times, but our mutual friends told him it was a terrible idea. I still get worried he might try it, but not too much because I don't live anywhere near the airport and I have no idea how he'd actually get here. So that's a plus.
@Sogeking: I thought about the restraining order thing, but as GrizzlyB pointed out, we were long distance so I'm not sure that would really make sense since I think restraining orders are mostly like physical presence? Like keeping people physically away from you. I don't know that much about them, tbh, but I don't think it would help with the texting thing, would it? He's just frustrating because I've been ignoring everything and he'll say stuff like, "I'm sorry for everything and you'll never hear from me again" and then like four days later, he'll text me "So are we never gonna talk again?"
@Teebu: It's a contract so that makes it a little harder. I was really hoping that prolonged lack of contact would help him move on but it doesn't seem to be working after two months. He is relentless. I understand that I was his first serious relationship, but I have never dealt with something like this before.
@GrizzlyB: I thought about having his number blocked, but I don't know if there is a fee involved? I guess maybe I should talk to my provider and see. I'd really hate to have to change my number, but that seems to be my only other option right now if I can't block him. And yeah, we were long-distance. I live in Illinois and he lives in Florida so there's quite a lot of distance between us. I was trying to avoid any kind of legal action because it seems a little over-the-top. He hasn't threatened me or anything, just been a major annoyance, so it's not like I feel like I'm in any sort of danger.
Also, turns out the gift he sent me was flowers. LMAO. I wanted to just throw them away but my dad said that was a waste so I gave them to my mom to take to her office (it had some sappy note in it too but I just tossed that in the trash). At least it wasn't anything too crazy so that crisis is averted. I guess I'll have to find time to donate his clothes. It'll give me an excuse to go through my closet and get rid of stuff I don't need anyway. lol Got some other semi-related things I'm dealing with right now, but I don't feel comfortable talking about them here. So thanks again for the advice, everyone. =)
@AquaMilotic: He hasn't tried to visit me yet, no. Early on when we were still talking, he said he'd bought plane tickets because someone told him it would be romantic to show up on my doorstep uninvited.... I shut that down real quick. (Protip to anyone else reading this: It's not cute/romantic to show up uninvited to your ex's house. Life is not an 80s RomCom and nobody wants you standing outside their window with a boombox. Don't do that shit.) Apparently, he's considered it a few other times, but our mutual friends told him it was a terrible idea. I still get worried he might try it, but not too much because I don't live anywhere near the airport and I have no idea how he'd actually get here. So that's a plus.
@Sogeking: I thought about the restraining order thing, but as GrizzlyB pointed out, we were long distance so I'm not sure that would really make sense since I think restraining orders are mostly like physical presence? Like keeping people physically away from you. I don't know that much about them, tbh, but I don't think it would help with the texting thing, would it? He's just frustrating because I've been ignoring everything and he'll say stuff like, "I'm sorry for everything and you'll never hear from me again" and then like four days later, he'll text me "So are we never gonna talk again?"
@Teebu: It's a contract so that makes it a little harder. I was really hoping that prolonged lack of contact would help him move on but it doesn't seem to be working after two months. He is relentless. I understand that I was his first serious relationship, but I have never dealt with something like this before.
@GrizzlyB: I thought about having his number blocked, but I don't know if there is a fee involved? I guess maybe I should talk to my provider and see. I'd really hate to have to change my number, but that seems to be my only other option right now if I can't block him. And yeah, we were long-distance. I live in Illinois and he lives in Florida so there's quite a lot of distance between us. I was trying to avoid any kind of legal action because it seems a little over-the-top. He hasn't threatened me or anything, just been a major annoyance, so it's not like I feel like I'm in any sort of danger.
Also, turns out the gift he sent me was flowers. LMAO. I wanted to just throw them away but my dad said that was a waste so I gave them to my mom to take to her office (it had some sappy note in it too but I just tossed that in the trash). At least it wasn't anything too crazy so that crisis is averted. I guess I'll have to find time to donate his clothes. It'll give me an excuse to go through my closet and get rid of stuff I don't need anyway. lol Got some other semi-related things I'm dealing with right now, but I don't feel comfortable talking about them here. So thanks again for the advice, everyone. =)
I know iPhones just added the ability to block after god knows how long, but I'm pretty sure most other phones can.
I don't know how restraining orders work too much though, but there has to be some way to stop contact like that, but it could get into state laws each being different so it can't work for a dumb reason.
I don't know how restraining orders work too much though, but there has to be some way to stop contact like that, but it could get into state laws each being different so it can't work for a dumb reason.
well since it's been two months that only proves you made the right call, he clearly isn't mature enough to handle a grown up relationship.
Last time i checked it's a free service to get a number blocked at the network level,im assuming it's the same sort of thing over there, though a lot of providers no longer block numbers. Both Iphone and android phones can block straight from the phone pretty easily & work very well i might add.
Last time i checked it's a free service to get a number blocked at the network level,im assuming it's the same sort of thing over there, though a lot of providers no longer block numbers. Both Iphone and android phones can block straight from the phone pretty easily & work very well i might add.
ChloboShoka
Writer
I feel very depressed and I don't even know why. I have great friends, decent job that I like and a fun social life so I can't understand why I'm feeling so miserable. But every day I feel like I'm letting everyone down. It started when I first went to school, sometimes I could hide it and sometimes I can't.
I remember having to do to the doctors or surgery a lot of times and they couldn't diagnose me with anything. I attempted suicide at school so I can't tell mum or else it will put them through the same thing over again.
This time it's really getting worse. I've lost interest in everything I enjoyed and I go out shopping and do things in town to try and hide it. I don't think I can control my depression anymore.
I'm really scared to speak up or call for help because I find verbal communication really hard. And now there is a lot of phyiscal pain in the body. I don't want to get sectioned or lose anything. I can't concentrate or remember things propely.
I remember having to do to the doctors or surgery a lot of times and they couldn't diagnose me with anything. I attempted suicide at school so I can't tell mum or else it will put them through the same thing over again.
This time it's really getting worse. I've lost interest in everything I enjoyed and I go out shopping and do things in town to try and hide it. I don't think I can control my depression anymore.
I'm really scared to speak up or call for help because I find verbal communication really hard. And now there is a lot of phyiscal pain in the body. I don't want to get sectioned or lose anything. I can't concentrate or remember things propely.
I'm no expert, but if something is driving you to the point where you've tried to commit suicide, you need to talk to someone about it and get help, especially if you can't pinpoint a reason for how you feel. No matter how difficult it is for you, please try to talk to whoever it is that you can trust, whether it be a friend, teacher, relative, anyone. I'm sure your mother would much rather have you "put her through" this again than have you possibly succeed in committing suicide if nothing is done to help you and lose you. See a psychiatrist, they're trained to help, and talk to supportive people, even if you're terrified of doing so.
Roseheart95
El Psy Congroo
Basically what Archsage said. You've typed your problem out and explained it well - if you find verbal communication hard, then write down what you've written - exactly as you've written it here, if you like. I do think you need to tell your mother, precisely for the reasons Archsage has said, but definitely go and see a psychiatrist or mental health professional as soon as you can. In the end, you'll feel happier for it and will be able to have a more fulfilling life.
AquaMilotic
yay
First of all, like the others said, you need to be open about it to the people you trust. I know it's difficult, but having a listening ear helps. Your mom should definitely know. Of course it's not nice for her to hear, but it's better than losing you. And I'm sure she would support you. And like Archsage and Roseheart95 said, you should see a psychiatrist to get help.
And like I said in my VM to you: if you ever need a listening ear but don't feel ready to talk to your mom yet, you can always contact me. I'm not online 24/7, but almost every day, I should have some time to talk on Skype in the evening. It's hard to talk about difficult things like this, but getting it off your chest and feeling like you have a listening ear who understands you really helps. I know this from experience, I told you about my BFF. If I can help you that way, then I'm happy to do so. And if you have other friends you feel more comfortable talking to, I'm sure they'll be willing to help you through this as well.
Basically, you should try to be open about it and talk to people you trust. If they care about you, I'm sure they'll all be willing to help you. And a psychiatrist could help you too. You should seek as much support as possible, I'm sure people who care about you will be there for you when you need it the most.
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Ok, this is quite an awkward problem, but hopefully i can get some help with it. I will always feel uncomfortable with a girlfriend before sex so I would try not to look at their body too perversely. How can I be comfortable before sex apart from keeping my eyes on the table or floor? Do women mind if you look suggestively at them, even for a few seconds? Never been on a date yet so I want this off my potential problems list
^^ Well, as a girl myself, I'd say I wouldn't mind if a guy that I was interested in (I.e., dating) looked me over a bit, but not excessively. Keep in mind this will depend on the girl and the context. Some are more modest about how they're looked at, and staying within their comfort zone on that during a date will likely be appreciated.
As for where to look, it's not that hard– we're human beings too. Just look at her face or her eyes on a date, like you would with anyone else.
As for where to look, it's not that hard– we're human beings too. Just look at her face or her eyes on a date, like you would with anyone else.
torterra_4_the_win
Ya want some?
Thought I'd state my opinion here...
Never say she looks hot, say she looks: gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, etc. Hot doesn't come off the same way, but great is fine. You can compliment on what she's wearing, her hair, facial features and stuff like that, not body: "Wow you're sexy!" never works with a genuine girl. But, don't do too much of this, you don't want to come off as only interested in looks. Doing it at the start of the date is the best option.
Just act like she's a friend, and nothing to do with sex. Think of some good conversation starters, and listen more than talk. If you ask the questions, the girl won't get bored listening to you because she will be talking about stuff she's interested in. Also, make sure you're cleaned up and smelling nice before, you don't want to be seen as dirty.
There, finished my instructive advice.
Solfatara
Forest-Dweller
Well, if you are only doing it for the sex then you might as well come across that way, instead of giving a false impression.
Anyway, I'd ask myself first what it is you really want from this, and then maybe you'll feel a little less insecure. Girls are people, not some mystical species where you have to do all the right things in order to achieve whatever it is you want.
From personal experience, I find that if you want a strong romantic relationship then you are looking for strong friendship as much as attraction. Get to know each other, share parts of yourself as well as asking her about herself (don't take torterra_4_the_win's advice on only shifting the conversation onto the other person - a one-way-street in any direction is probably a bad idea). At the end of it you might feel like you've had a good time and you can become closer, or you might not, and if you both feel like doing it again then great!
But yeah, only giving compliments on appearance might not be such a good idea, though you can say she looks nice if she does of course. Once again though, girls are all different just like guys are all different, there is no one size fits all. Also, "genuine" girl doesn't mean anything and is probably a misogynistic term so don't buy into that.
My advice: be yourself, don't think too hard about what you're doing, and have a good time!