Let's be honest... hope for this year's WrestleMania is... low. Between injuries, a dreaded main event, and incomplete storytelling, the supposed "Biggest WrestleMania of all-time!" is shaping up to be a potentially large disappointment. It might be tough to come up with any ideas that could truly save this event...
So I got to thinking... how about this booking:
Pre-show: Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
-Okay, this is hard to book because I WANT it to be relevant, but... it has not historically been (Cesaro's win was pointless and went nowhere; Big Show's was literally just a "Here, have a battle royal win for all your hard work" trophy). Added to the fact that this is relegated to the Pre-Show, and it's easy to see WWE does not care about this other than as a way to put more guys to work and tell them "Look! You made a WrestleMania moment".
-So we get 20 warm bodies who aren't on the main show. Right now, we have the Social Outcasts, Kane, and Big Show. Does that get anybody's blood running hot? I doubt it. Let's assume Goldust and R-Truth are here to further their ongoing story. Sin Cara. Tyler Breeze. Damien Sandow. Just fill this match up with nobodies.
Oh, and Finn Balor.
-Let's clarify here: to fantasy book this Battle Royal, I have to fantasy book a little bit of NXT Takeover: Dallas. Samoa Joe goes over Finn. After their match, Balor attacks Joe and leaves to a mix reaction. He'll no doubt get massive cheers in the ATGMBR, though, all the way through to end, when it comes down to Balor and Damien Sandow. The two shake hands and have a brief little match. Sandow gets the upper hand and seems to be in control...
Until two men wearing Balor Club T-Shirts charge down the ramp and assault him. These are, of course, Karl Anderson and Doc Gallows. With their help, Balor wins the Battle Royal. He angrily grabs the trophy amidst, hopefully, a mixed reaction at best. Because people still like Sandow, yes?
Pre-Show: The Dudley Boyz vs The Usos
-Ugh, do I have to? I mean, this is another Pre-Show match. And it's the Dudleyz and the Usos. I mean, not everything has to mean something. Sometimes a match is just a match. A feud angle is just a feud angle.
-Anyway, this has not yet been announced as a Tables match, and it probably won't be. Not for the Pre-Show, anyway. Maybe they'll have that down the line, but here, tonight? A regular tag team match. That the Dudleyz win.
-This gives the Usos a chance to get a bit of an edge. Chanting and dancing has not been helping them lately, so on Raw the next night, the Usos can challenge the Dudleyz to a Tables match, claiming that they need to prove they can beat the Dudleyz at their own game. The Usos will win that eventual match, sure, but at 'Mania? They take the L to give them reason to reinvigorate their attitude and personality.
Match #1: The New Day vs The League of Nations
-This strikes me as a great opening match, and New Day should well be trusted in this role to get the fans immediately into the biggest show of the year, even when they are wrestling the equivalent of slowly drying paint. New Day comes out first, has antics, and declares that they know what everyone is expecting, so here comes the newest member of The New Day...
Nobody!
-The newly face New Day explains that they don't need any help to beat the League of Booty. They're the two-time, defending World Tag Team Champions. They've beaten everyone! They can wrestle 3-vs-4 if they have to. And, honestly, since this is MY booking? I don't want any more New Day members. These three have too much chemistry to bring someone else in now.
-The League of Nations is obviously salivating at this news. They hit the ring and go to work before the bell to get an early advantage. The match flow evens out a bit, but the League has the advantage most of the time. New Day fights back, they turn the tide and seem about to win... when Sheamus runs in and hits a Brogue Kick to Xavier Woods during a bit of mayhem, allowing Rusev to get the pinfall victory.
-I mean, yeah it sucks. But this feud has just started, so it's clearly got a bit more time left. So the League gets a win here so they can justify challenging for the belts again next month. To just stretch this out a bit before New Day moves on to their next feud.
Match 2: Kallisto vs Ryback for the United States Title
-Ryback is in full Cocky Heel mode here, just acting like Kallisto is barely worth his time because we can all see Ryback's career is going to mirror The Big Show's for the last 17 years of constantly shifting alignment. He shrugs off Kallisto's offense and basically just shoves him around. He doesn't even try that hard, he's just literally pushing Kallisto and sending him flying. Kallisto is all tenacity and heart and just keeps finding a way to stay in the match, however. Late in the match, Ryback has just turned Kallisto inside out with a Meathook and is preparing for the Shellshock when Sin Cara jumps on the apron and distracts him. This allows Kallisto to recover and roll up Ryback for the win.
-After the match, Kallisto is victorious (and of course he wins here; in my booking we are DONE hot-shotting this title around in the Post-Open Invitational Era. Kallisto is going to be a fighting champion to build his career), but he also seems a bit confused. He seems to tell Sin Cara that he didn't want to win like that, but Sin Cara isn't having it, and just keeps raising his partner's arm. Kallisto seems a bit disappointed, but that's all, and nothing else comes of this... for now.
Match 3: Charlotte vs Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks for the Divas Title
-This one is tricky, because I look at it two ways: 1) EVERYONE thinks this is going to be Sasha Banks' coronation; her Wrestlemania moment, and I agree she is the most deserving, but 2) I personally think Charlotte is going to retain here because WWE thinks she is the best just because she is Ric Flair's daughter, and I think that is the right call (though with the wrong rationale; Sasha and Becky are both much superior to Charlotte).
-So first off, since this is MY booking and not WWE's? This match gets 15+ minutes, and Ric Flair shenanigans are kept to a god damn minimum. These three are allowed to just go to town and make this the best pure match on the card. I might even have Charlotte kick Flair out of the ringside area after he tries to interfere early and it backfires, nearly costing Charlotte the match. Just to get him the hell away from this match.
-With Charlotte incapacitated on the outside, Sasha and Becky have a good go of it until Sasha gets Becky in the Banks Statement. Becky appears about to tap... when Charlotte rushes in, hits Natural Selection on Sasha while she is applying the hold, kicks Becky out under the ropes, and gets the 3 count.
-The money here is in the chase. EVERYONE wants to see Sasha or Becky win the belt, so let's delay that gratification a bit. We all know Sasha is getting it eventually anyway, so why rush it here?
-Oh, and I'd have Flair emerge post-match to celebrate, only for Charlotte to blow him off with a "I don't even need you" kind of attitude. Maybe even attack him. Whatever. Just GET RIC FLAIR OUT OF MY WOMEN'S WRESTLING.
Match 4: Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn vs Stardust vs Dolph Ziggler vs The Miz vs Zack Ryder (sigh) vs Sin Cara (sigh)
-Can I book that Zack Ryder gets lost driving to the arena and that Sin Cara... damn, I already have him on the card. Well... can I book that everyone forgets he is supposed to be here? Oh, and then I'd like to book that Ziggler and Miz got a flat tire and miss the show. And Stardust something something isn't here?
No?
Boo. Okay.
-So, right. Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn vs other people interrupting my Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn match. At least with MOST of the talent here, we are guaranteed this match should be exciting, right? I mean, I have no idea what Ryder brings to this, and The Miz, while I like him, is not synonymous with "exciting ladder matches", but still... this is another match that gets 15+ minutes and everyone is allowed to just cut loose.
-At one point, Stardust needs to be all alone in the ring, and his win is imminent. But as he climbs the ladder to the belt, he is attacked by a man from the crowd... who turns out to be Stephen Amell! Because WrestleMania! Celebrities! And this never really felt resolved. So Amell brawls with Stardust outside of the ring until security appears for a pull apart. But by this time, Stardust's advantage is gone.
-Ultimately this match needs to come down to Zayn and Owens, and WOW do I have a lot of heels winning (and/or fans getting unhappy results), so Zayn wins here. Doesn't matter. Either result will continue this feud.
Match 5: AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho
-Okay, this isn't official yet, but it seems like it will be this week, so I'm just going to assume it happens.
-Unlike a LOT of the other matches here tonight, this is the one that should be the END of a feud, not a turning point or just a beginning. So it's the easiest to book. They go at it, have a good match, and Styles wins clean. Just call me Staples, because that was easy.
Match 6: Dean Ambrose vs Brock Lesnar: No Holds Barred
-Err, this is No Holds Barred? Because I could have sworn it was a Last Man Standing Match. Let me do some research...
Damn. It really isn't LMS. Well, when I booked this, I did so as a LMS match, so now I need to adjust that... actually a great deal.
-First of all, let's face it: Lesnar wins this match. Period. We may all WANT Ambrose to ascend here, but it is not happening. WWE did not book Lesnar to beat the streak just so he could be really tough for two years and then lie down for Dean Ambrose. The story WWE is telling is pretty easy to see: Lesnar is absolutely unstoppable and brutal, while Ambrose is tough and will take ANY amount of punishment because he just don't give an eff.
-Now, my LMS booking for this match had Lesnar continually putting Ambrose down, only for Ambrose to constantly beat a 10-count. Lesnar would F-5 him through a table, and he'd get up. Later, he'd F-5 him through two set-up chairs, but Ambrose would get up. Eventually, Lesnar would hit FIVE F-5's consecutively on the outside of the ring, and that would ultimately put Ambrose down.
But the reason this doesn't translate well to a No Holds Barred match is because while Dean is a tough SOB who will come back from anything... he's always proven fairly easy to PIN. I could see him beating several 10-counts, but this guy has consistently been put down by just one finisher per match in an era where most main eventers need 2 or 3 to end them. Heck, Ambrose has just recently lost to HHH after a single Pedigree. So I think it's really hard to imagine booking him to realistically kick out of an F-5, much less several of them.
So what do we do? Besides, you know, fantasy book this into a Last Man Standing match? Well, the story WWE is telling has to go away. It's not about Unstoppable Brock vs Resilient Dean anymore... it's about Resourceful, Quick Dean vs Powerful, Strong Lesnar. Dean actually has to control the flow of this match, something we've not seen ANYONE do to Lesnar since WrestleMania 30. Dean has to just use weapon after weapon after weapon in a vicious assault while doing everything he can to stay out of Brock's hands for long. Some particularly violent strikes with Foley's bat could secure a very close near-fall, but there's nothing Dean can do to put Brock away. After a while, either from exhaustion or just inevitability, Dean makes a mistake that allows Brock to catch him. F-5 (onto a chair or something, just to make it better for Dean to lose), and that's it.
Match 7: Err, Isn't There A Divas Multi-Person Tag Match?
-I can't find any proof of this online, but I know I kept hearing about it for a while. Maybe it just isn't 100% official yet.
-Anyway, this is a 3-4 minute cool down match. Heel Divas win because Emma is awesome. That's all.
Match 8: Undertaker vs Shane McMahon, Hell In A Cell
-I always intended this to be the main event, but the way I book this and Reigns/HHH... it makes more sense for the World Title match to main event after all.
-So Shane and Taker get locked in the cell, and right as they are about to lock up... "NO CHANCE, that's what you got!" Vince McMahon makes his way to ringside. He grabs a microphone and bellows that he knows Shane knows he can't beat Taker in a fair match, so Vince is ready in case Shane tries anything funny.
-Shane and Taker have a match. Shane puts up some resistance, but mostly takes big bumps and get tossed around by Taker. He gets flung into the cell comically hard; he scales the inside of the cell, but is knocked from the top (inside, upside down) to the ring. Finally, it looks like Taker is about to end this. He hits Old School, then a chokeslam, and a Tombstone is coming up...
-But three men rush the cage, reveal they have a key, and enter it to break up the Tombstone attempt before locking the cage behind them. These men are, of course, the Mean Street Posse!
-Undertaker doesn't suffer these fools, however, and effortlessly swats them away like buzzing gnats. They do, however, give Shane time to regroup, find a kendo stick under the ring, and turn the match to his advantage. Shane begins working over Undertaker, and every time Undertaker starts to try to fight back, at least one of the Posse is there to thwart him or distract him.
-Vince is apoplectic outside the cage and begins yelling and motioning for someone in the back. This brings out, why that's gotta be Kane!
-Kane rips the door of the cell away and just destroys the Mean Street Posse. He drags them all outside the cell, piles up their defeated bodies, and starts standing guard over his brother's match.
-With Undertaker back in control, the Tombstone seems nigh again... when the lights go out. The sound of a heartbeat plays throughout the arena, and when the lights come back on, The Balor Club is in the ring, with Finn himself in full demon makeup.
-Balor Club works over Taker HARD while a seemingly confused Shane O'Mac sits in a corner of the ring. After several high-impact moves to both Taker and Kane, Balor hits four Coup De Graces. Shane still seems baffled, but nods in appreciation before scrambling over to make the cover. 1,2,3. Shane wins!
-So this is done for a few reasons: First, it builds to Undertaker vs Finn Balor because **** yes. Secondly, whereas Shane McMahon being the 2 in 22-2 is a bit weird, it does it in an overbooked way where Taker never really has a chance. He just gets mauled at the end. And third, it allows Shane some plausible deniability to remain a face as the new GM of Raw.
Match 9: Roman Reigns vs Triple-H for the WWE World Heavyweight title, with special guest referee: The Rock
-HHH gets his annual Huge WrestleMania Entrance, but something seems different. After Shane winning control of Raw, Trips is clearly somewhat distracted. Stephanie is at ringside, and she, too, is upset and doesn't have her head in the game.
-Shane McMahon appears immediately and makes his first proclamation as a man of authority: The Rock is going to referee this match! An already distraught Steph and Trips are now mentally defeated.
-Despite this, HHH and Reigns put on a really good match, but the writing is on the wall, and Reigns wins clean with a Spear.
-After the win and Roman has a few moments to celebrate amidst presumably a chorus of boos, HHH and Steph re-enter the ring. They are at their lowest point, and HHH extends a hand to Roman. Roman looks at this gesture, scoffs, and shoves HHH (inadvertently? it should be ambiguous) into Steph. Steph goes down in a heap, and HHH's reaction is to tend to his wife and see if she is hurt. With HHH calling to the back for help, Roman stands over him, still looking pissed.
-He leaves the ring only to return with a chair, and then he demolishes an unsuspecting Hunter with it. An assault that is just hard to watch leaves Triple-H lifeless, when finally The Rock returns to the ring to call Roman off and admonish him. Roman calms down at Rocky's words until The Great One turns away, and then Roman smashes him with the chair, too. He then hits Rock with the belt, then a Spear, and stands tall... newly heel to a hateful crowd.
End show.
So what do you think?
