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The Opposite Side of The World

Kinginsoar

Advanced Spriter
The Opposite Side of The World
By Hazy Leaf


Chapter One

"Hey, Ash," said Misty. "Do you want to get a smoothie?" "No, he's mine!" screamed May. May tackled Misty, struggling to escape.

Brock had his eye on a girl, painting a pokemon. He walked over to her, with those heart eyes of his. "H-Hi," he said. "What's YOUR name?" The girl giggled. "I'm Tia," she said. "You're kinda cute. Can I paint you?" Brock felt as if he was flying into heaven. "I-uh-yeah-but I-oh..." He blushed. This time the girl giggled louder.

May and Misty had finished fighting, but May was the winner. "Yay, my sister wins!" said Max. "Girls, really," said Ash. "There is NO need to fight over ME." "We aren't fighting over you!!!" said May. "Yes we are," said Misty. "Oh, you're right." May ran over to Ash and kissed him. Ash's face turned bright red.

Pikachu was sitting by a tree. A Porygon sat next to him. "Pory-porygon," it said. "Pi, pikachu?" "Por-pory, porygon." "Pikachu!" Pikachu used iron tail, and Porygon had gone away in the sky. "Pory pory porygon!!!" it said, copying Team Rocket. Translation: "I'm blasting off again!!!" When Tia saw Porygon blasting off, she ran the way it blasted shouting, "Pory! Pory, mommy's coming!"

As Brock sulked, Ash asked Pikachu, "Pikachu, why'd you do that?" "The thing wanted to have sex with me," said Pikachu. "So I shocked it." "I see why..."

Max was trying to keep Misty from punching May, as May said, "I'm the winner. And there's nothing you can do stop it." Misty was so angry now, she decided to challenge May to a fight.

Pikachu walked over to Ash. He didn't look happy. "Pikachu, what's wrong?" asked Ash. Pikachu faked a shy look. "Whatever I say, we'll still be friends, right?" it asked. "Cause...what do you think our opposite sides would be like?" "I don't know," said Ash. "Why would it break our friendship?" "I don't know...maybe something would make you uncomfortable...maybe you'll get angry at me for bringing it up...I don't know! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME, I'M A DAMN PIKACHU!" "Yeah, you're right." Ash put his finger to his chin. "Maybe we'd be swaring freaks..." he said. Pikachu said, "I'm ALREADY a swaring freak." "You're right. Do you think we could find some kinda portal or something?" "Damnit. Never thought bout that." "Pikachu, if you sware THIS much, you must be nice...or sware in every sentence you say." "Ok...these are all the sware words I know. They are b-" "-ake a cake!" said Misty.

May sighed. "You mean 'piece of cake'," she said. Misty's face turned red. "Shut up!" she said. "I know what I'm saying! Just shut up!" Brock walked over to them, hoping he'd get some hope. "Ladies, ladies, no need to fight over me," he said. Misty and May's faced filled with anger, and they said, "WE ARE NOT FIGHTING OVER YOU!!!" "I know..." sulked Brock.

As Brock sulked, and May and Misty fought, Ash and Pikachu looked around. It found a four-leaf clover. "Wohoo!" said Pikachu. "I'm a lucky pokemon!" As soon as Pikachu finished its sentence, a leprachaun poofed outta no where. "Hi!" it said. "I'm a leprachaun! I'll trade you that four-leaf clover for a GS ball!" "Ok!" said Pikachu. The leprachaun gave Pikachu a golden GS ball. Then a bunch of GS balls fell on the leprachaun. "Suckers!" he said. "Just suckers!" It ran away crazily with bunch the balls. Ash looked over at Pikachu and his GS ball. "Hey, buddy, where'd cha get that?" "Let's just say...I HATE leprachuans," it sulked.

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Welp, I hope it's good so far. If it is, I'll continue the chapters. If not, I guess this is it. Unless there are just a few problems.

I'm gonna be an author/illustrator when I grow up, so tell me if I'd be good.
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member

Jonouchi

Chibi-cario
In more CALM terms, just space out your paragraphs. Make a new paragraph when someone talks. Like so:

Hazy Leaf said:
"Hey, Ash," said Misty. "Do you want to get a smoothie?"

"No, he's mine!" screamed May.

May tackled Misty, struggling to escape.

See?

Other than that, read the two threads Yami Ryu provided and try again. From the looks of it, it's not to good


EDIT:
Hazy Leaf said:
I just have a question...what is the prolouge and song lyrics? It's the only thing I'm confused about.

Prologue is just some introduction to the story, like a history of what happened prior to your story. Like a mini prequel (Or something like that)
 

Psychic

Really and truly
Stick to spriting.

OR you could try and actually paragraph this properly. You do NOT want your fic to just be this giant block of text- not only is it a huge turn-off for readers (well, who wants to read some huge paragraph?) but it's also grammatically incorrect. Here's a hint: SKIP A LINE WHENEVER SOMEONE NEW IS TALKING.


Then there's the total lack of description- seriously, try and tell us what everything looks like. This includes people (EVEN ones from the canon) Pokémon, objects and the places these things are in, whether it be a room, a forest or a busy boulevard.
Also tell us more about the characters themselves- what do they think, what/how do they feel and why. Show how they act and react in situations through the way they act. For example, let's say Misty sees a bug and Bugsy sees a bug. Not only will they SAY different things, but they will also react differently. Misty may scream and run away in fear, but Bugsy will grin and grab his net and will probably try and catch it. Through simple things like this we get a taste of their personalities.



Now please, just go read the Stickies and type on a Microsoft Word or a similar program.

~Psychic

EDIT: Damn, I was beaten. *waves at Yams whose method is better*
[QUOTE-Hazy leaf]BTW, I'm only 10. Don't go hard on me.[/QUOTE]
Jesus, what is with you people and that stupid excuse?! NOBODY GIVES ABOUT YOUR AGE, BECAUSE YOU CAN STILL FOLLOW THE RULES- IT ISN'T HARD. My seven-year-old brother could make a better member than some of the people here. >>

And you still need to fix your paragraphing. A LOT.
 
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