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The Prophesy (rated pg)

Chareon

-blinkblink-
;196;

This is a story I've had in my mind for quite a while, just never had the thought to write it put until recently... So here it is!

One thing first though, I claim the rights to my story plot, my characters, and my idea. So dont steal them or I shall have to bite your head off! *bares teeth*

Glad I got that out of the way... whew *wipes brow* I really do hate that. Now, on to the story. Hope you like it!


Chapter I


Lightning forked across the sky, soon followed by a clap of thunder. All the forest animals were snug in their dens. No one noticed the small brown figure creeping along underneath the umbrella of a large willow tree.

Chocolate was an escaped cat from a nearby breeder who was so rich that if he lost a cat, he didn’t care, because he could just buy a new one. Chocolate was one of these escapees. She was an all brown cat; a Havana Brown. Being a perfect example of her breed, she had been kept in a high security area. Even so, such was her desire to escape that she had jumped clear over a seven foot, barbed wire fence.

Now that she was out, she didn’t know what to do. Hunting was out of the question, because even though she was hungry, she had never learned how to hunt.

Suddenly, she sensed something. She lifted her nose to the air, but if was too wet to smell anything. Then she heard something, the sound of many paws pounding the ground, getting closer, and closer. As quickly as it had started, it was gone.

“Hello?” she called. No answer. Then, in the next flash of lightning, she saw them. There were about fifteen cats surrounding her, all ready to pounce. Before she could even blink, they were upon her. She scratched and bit gallantly, but to no avail. She was overwhelmed by all of the cats. Just as she was about to go under, she heard a loud yowl.

“Charge!” she heard the mystery voice shout.

Chocolate lay there, pretending to be dead, all the while listening to the sounds of fighting around her. Then, she was found by one of the cats who had attacked her. She squirmed as his teeth closed around her throat. Then, she blacked out.

* * *

Chocolate opened her eyes. Then, she quickly closed them again.

“Its okay, you don’t need to be afraid. You’re in good company. What’s your name?”

Chocolate re-opened her eyes to see a very pretty looking calico standing over her.

“I’m Chocolate. Who are you,” she asked, sitting up, “and where am I?”

“You’re in Sycamore dell,” the calico said, “and I'm Callie.”

“Sycamore dell?” Chocolate repeated.

“Yes. This is the home of the Sycamore pack. We all live together in this glade,” Callie said.

Chocolate looked around. She was laying in a small glade, surrounded by bushes and trees on three sides, and a small stream on the other. There were many cats sitting around it. Some were fishing, climbing, wrestling, or just sitting around.

“Wow, this is a nice home. Forgive me for asking, but who were the other cats who attacked me last night?”

“You mean you don’t know about the packs?” Callie asked, “That’s going to make things a lot harder to explain. Amber said this might be difficult but that it was my job as healer to help you out.”

“Who’s Amber, and what are the packs, then?”

“Amber is our leader. There are five packs of cats living in this area near the Master’s home. Although I’m sure all of the cats around here originally came from the Master’s home, we of Sycamore pack are the only ones that will shelter escapees. The four other packs are Oak, to the west, Pine, to the north, Willow, to the east, and Birch, to the northeast. They all consider themselves of purer blood than us because they have no house cats in their packs.”

“Wouldn’t we have purer blood because the Master’s pure-bred cats joined us rather than them? And is Sycamore pack in the middle of the other four packs? And did you come from the Masters house too?” asked Chocolate.

“Yes, we believe we have purer blood, and that’s why we sheltered you, yes, we are in the middle of all of the other packs, and yes, all of Sycamore pack came from the Master’s,” she said. “Any more questions about...”

Suddenly, they were interrupted by a loud yowl, just like the night before. Callie looked over at Chocolate.

“We have to go to the meeting,” she said, “come on!”

Callie ran off, with Chocolate following in her wake.

“Where are we going?” panted Chocolate.

“You'll see,” she replied.


* * *



They arrived at a set of three small rocks, sticking out of the stream. Sitting atop of one of these rocks was a very regal looking cat. She was a mink Tonkinese, fawn colored with dark points. Sitting on a smaller rock next to her was a strong looking Marble Bengal, looking just like a small leopard.

“That’s Amber, our pack leader, and her second-in-command, Stripes,” whispered Callie, “Amber is going to make an announcement.”

“Sycamore pack,” Amber yowled, “we are here on this day in spring to welcome a friend in our midst. Callie, would you please introduce her?”

Callie jumped up on to the mid sized rock and beckoned Chocolate to come with her.

“This is Chocolate,” she meowed, as Chocolate jumped up onto the smallest rock, “we rescued her last night from the clutches of Oak pack. I think she has something that she wants to say.”

Chocolate, of course, had not wanted to speak in front of the whole of Sycamore pack, but she knew what she had to say, and did so.

“Thank you all, for saving me last night. I am indebted to you for your kind actions. I hope no one got hurt on my behalf.” Chocolate meowed. She bobbed her head and stepped back. Callie went in talking about her and so on, and as she did, Chocolate looked up and noticed that Amber was staring at her. To Chocolate’s surprise, Amber smiled and nodded her head.

Suddenly, Chocolate noticed that Callie was done, and jumped down off the rock. Amber dismissed the meeting and walked over towards them. Callie nodded her head, and Chocolate did the same. To Chocolate’s surprise, Amber addressed her.

“You’re quite a good speaker, although I’m sure that took you by surprise,” Amber purred with amusement, “But what I came over to say was that we rescued you from Oak pack because you are a good fighter. Since we always have someone attacking us, we need more cats like you. We need every inch of our land to be able to feed all of our cats, and if we can't protect it, we will all starve. I am telling you this because I would like to invite you to join our pack. You could be a very valuable part of our community. Think about my offer,” she said as Chocolate looked thoughtful, “and let me know of your decision at first light.” With a flick of her tail, she signaled to her second-in-command and they bounded off into the night.

“Wow!” meowed Callie, “You’re so lucky! I had to pass a set of tests to join in with the pack. But you, you just said the right words and presto! You were invited! So, are you going to join?”

“I think so,” said Chocolate.

“Oh, please do!” pleaded Callie, “You’re my friend now, and I don’t want to lose you!”

“Okay, fine,” Chocolate purred, “I’ll join, but first you have to tell me some more about Sycamore pack, like what the jobs are, and what do we eat and such.

“As for jobs, you’ll start out as a kitten watcher. This is how you prove your loyalty to the clan. There is one permanent kitten watcher, who will teach you what to do and report any mistakes you make to Amber. See that cat over there? That red Abyssinian?” she asked.

Chocolate nodded.

“That’s Abbey, the kitten watcher. After being a kitten watcher, if you prove your loyalty, you will be promoted to an apprentice. You will be taught by three different cats: a hunter, a patroller, and a warrior, in that order. They will teach you how to do many different things. Do you get all of this?” asked Callie.

Chocolate nodded again.

“There are two apprentices right now. See over there? That Egyptian Mau?” she meowed, “His name is Smoke. That cat right next to him is Platinum, who is the other apprentice,” she purred, pointing out a young Burmese.

“After being an apprentice, you can choose to be a hunter or a patroller. If you choose to be a hunter, you stay a hunter. It is fun to be a hunter. If you choose the other path, you get to be a patroller, which isn’t quite as fun as being a hunter. The catch is, that after being a patroller, you get to be a warrior, which is the coolest job. Did you get all that?” Callie asked.

“Wow!” meowed Chocolate, “I want to be a warrior. Who are the warriors?”

“Jet and Ice,” meowed Callie, “they’re over there,” She gestured to a pair of sleek, strong-looking cats sitting near the glade’s only entrance, watching over the camp. One was stark white, while the other was black.

“Okay,” meowed Chocolate, “but if I wanted to, how could I get to be a healer, like you?”

“I was appointed,” she said simply.

Chocolate looked around. She was getting very hungry.

“Can we eat some thing please?” she asked, “I'm very hungry, and not to mention tired. I haven’t eaten since I left the Master’s.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I‘ll show you to the food.” Callie meowed.

After eating her fill of the delicious mice and rats that were the night’s dinner, Chocolate was shown to what was to be her sleeping quarters.

“Over there is where you sleep,” Callie said, pointing out a small crevice in a large rock. Inside, it widened out into a cave. “I sleep over in a spot next to the herb patch, near where I work. You’ll sleep in the cave along with the two apprentices. Good night, Chocolate!” She meowed.

“Night Callie,” Chocolate called as she wound her way into the cave.

As Chocolate walked into the heart of the cave, she was greeted by the two apprentices, Smoke and Platinum.

“Hi Chocolate!” they meowed in unison.

“Hello there!” she replied.

“We made you a spot to sleep, over there in the soft moss,” meowed Smoke, “and by the way, my name is Smoke.”

“I know,” meowed Chocolate, smiling, “Callie pointed you guys out.”

“Did she really,” purred Platinum with a dreamy expression on his face, “tell her I said hi, okay?”

“Sure thing,” meowed Chocolate, “but I’m sure she’ll appreciate it more if you tell her yourself!”

“Oh, okay,” said Platinum, smiling, “Good idea. I’ll try that!”

“Night!” said Chocolate, walking in circles to pat down the moss before laying down.

“Good night,” they replied.

As Chocolate lay there, and she thought of the things to come, she smiled. All was good.

There it is, the first chapter of my story. More chapters will be coming soon, and I beg of you, please reply with comments, predictions, etc. I love to hear from readers... Thanks!!

;196;~ Chareon
 
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A

Angelstorm

Guest
Ok I don't want to be too harsh, but if I am I'm sorry. I normally don't read things other than pokemon fics...

You really need to work on description, just saying the different types of cats and trees won't do. I could care less about them, what I want to know is about the places, and the personality, appearance, and ranks of the cats. And i don't think a name like Chocolate would be a good name for a warrior... You should have made her do those tests before she joined, it would have made things more interesting and not make the story seem... Eh I don't know the right word.

Chocolate looked around. She was laying in a small glade, surrounded by bushes and trees on three sides, and a small stream on the other. There were many cats sitting around it. Some were fishing, climbing, wrestling, or just sitting around.

Instead of that you could say something like this: (I'm not very good though.)

Chocolate stared in awe and excitement at the sights around her that were colored green by the leaves over-head. The small glade was crawling with cats of all kinds and shapes as they went about doing their business. They seemed to appear everywhere, and a few peered up at her curiously from their dens or from their grooming.

Many cats settled about a small crystalline stream, heads held low, as they peered intently at the streambed. Every so often one would dart a lightning-fast paw into its waters, and emerge empty-pawed, or with a fish that was swiftly killed by tooth and fang. The tangy scent of fish made the she-cats' mouth a raging waterfall.

A few queens watched their young kits frolic about, jumping atop one another and testing their claws and skills on the trees that lined the clearing. They were running about in their games, or listening to stories that the elders rasped to them with cracking voices.

Chocolate felt a strange thrill course through her as she watched. How different this place was when compared to her old home!
****************************************

See I'm not very good, but it sounded a bit better maybe. You just need time and patience, and i'm shure you'll get a story that alot of people will review! (Oh and you spelt Prophecy wrong...)
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Chareon

-blinkblink-
Rewrite

Wow, you are a really great writer, you see I started this when I was twelve so... thats why the descriptions are negligent, but future chapters are better...

Here, I completely redid about half of the first chapter, and I must say, its way better. Thank you for your help.
Oh, and prophesy can be spelled either way (I think its a UK vs. US deal)

I


Lightning forked across the sky, soon followed by a clap of thunder. All the forest animals were snug in their dens. No one noticed the small brown figure creeping along underneath the umbrella of a large willow tree.

Chocolate was an escaped cat from a nearby breeder who was so rich that if he lost a cat, he didn’t care, because he could just buy a new one. Chocolate was one of these escapees. She was an all brown cat; a well muscled and sleek-looking Havana Brown. Being a perfect example of her breed, she had been kept in a high security area. Even so, such was her desire to escape that she had jumped clear over a seven foot, barbed wire fence.

Now that she was out, she didn’t know what to do. Hunting was out of the question, because even though she was hungry, she had never learned how to hunt.

Suddenly, she sensed something. She lifted her nose to the air, but if was too wet to smell anything. Then she heard something, the sound of many paws pounding the ground, getting closer, and closer. As quickly as it had started, it was gone.

“Hello?” she called. No answer. Then, in the next flash of lightning, she saw them. There were about fifteen to twenty cats surrounding her, all ready to pounce. Before she could even blink, they were upon her. She scratched and bit gallantly, but to no avail. She was overwhelmed by all of the cats. Just as she was about to go under, she heard a loud yowl.

“Charge!” she heard the mystery voice shout.

Chocolate lay there, pretending to be dead, all the while listening to the sounds of fighting around her. Then, she was found by one of the cats who had attacked her. She squirmed as his teeth closed around her throat. Then she blacked out.

* * *

Chocolate opened her eyes. Startled, she quickly closed them again.

“Its okay, you don’t need to be afraid. You’re in good company. What’s your name?”

Chocolate re-opened her eyes to see a very pretty looking calico standing over her; looking down with a quizzical look on her face. She was quite small for her age, but she had a well proportioned body and a sweet scent hanging around her like perfume.

“I’m Chocolate. Who are you?” she asked, sitting up, “and where am I?”

“You’re in Sycamore dell,” the calico said, “and I'm Callie.”

“Sycamore dell?” Chocolate repeated.

“Yes. This is the home of the Sycamore pack. We all live together in this glade,” Callie meowed.

Chocolate looked around. She was in a small glade, surrounded by trees and greenery. The scent of many cats was upon the air, intermingled with the smells of oak, evergreen, and an assortment of other woodland fragrances. All around her were cats, doing a variety of tasks and leisure activities. Some were lounging in the many rays of sunlight that steamed through the trees, like golden pillars of warmth. Others were working industriously, bringing back food from hunts, collecting herbs to plant, or scouting for danger. One cat was even standing in the stream that ran through the far end of the glade, poised with one paw raised, waiting patiently for a fish. As Chocolate watched, he suddenly shot out his paw, scooping out a silvery fish and tossing it up onto the bank. There, a young kitten pounced on it, as proud of it as if he had caught the fish for himself. Other kittens were scattered across the glade playing and wrestling, honing their skills for use in later life. An old, motherly looking cat was supervising them with a watchful eye. Chocolate turned to Callie in awe.

“Wow, this is a nice home! Forgive me for asking, but who were the other cats who attacked me last night?”

“You mean you don’t know about the packs?” Callie asked, “That’s going to make things a lot harder to explain. Amber said this might be difficult but that it was my job as healer to help you out.”

“Who’s Amber, and what are the packs, then?”

“Amber is our leader. There are five packs of cats living in this area near the Master’s home. Although I’m sure all of the cats around here originally came from the Master’s home, we of Sycamore pack are the only ones that will shelter escapees. The four other packs are Oak, to the west, Pine, to the north, Willow, to the east, and Birch, to the northeast. They all consider themselves of purer blood than us because they have no house cats in their packs.”

“Wouldn’t this pack have purer blood because the Master’s pure-bred cats joined you rather than them? And is Sycamore pack in the middle of the other four packs? And did you come from the Masters house too?” asked Chocolate in a rush, wanting to know all about this beautiful looking place.

“Yes, we believe we have purer blood, and that’s why we sheltered you. Yes, we are in the middle of all of the other packs, and yes, all of Sycamore pack came from the Master’s,” she said. “Any more questions about...”

Suddenly, they were interrupted by a loud yowl, a lot like the night before. Callie looked over at Chocolate.

“We have to go to the meeting,” she said, “come on!”

Callie ran off, with Chocolate following in her wake, wincing at the pain the sudden movements inflicted upon her sore muscles.

“Where are we going?” panted Chocolate, straining to keep up.

“You'll see,” she replied.


* * *



They arrived at a set of three small rocks sticking out of the stream. The whole of Sycamore pack was gathered around, from the oldest elder to the youngest kitten. Sitting atop of one of these rocks was a very regal looking cat. She was a mink Tonkinese, fawn colored with dark points. Her posture showed she was used to being in command, but her expression was one of pure love for her pack. Sitting on a smaller rock next to her was a strong looking Marble Bengal, looking just like a small leopard. He looked proud of being there, and also proud of the pack.

“That’s Amber, our pack leader, and her second-in-command, Stripes,” whispered Callie. “That yowl earlier means that Amber wants to make an announcement.”

“Sycamore pack,” Amber yowled ceremoniously, “we are here on this day in spring to welcome a friend in our midst. Callie, would you please introduce her?”

Callie jumped up onto the mid sized rock and beckoned to Chocolate with her tail to join her.

“This is Chocolate,” she meowed as Chocolate jumped up onto the small rock next to hers, “we rescued her last night from the clutches of Oak pack. I think she has something that she wants to say.”

Chocolate, of course, had not wanted to speak in front of the whole of Sycamore pack, but she knew what she had to say, and did so.

“Thank you all, for saving me last night. I am indebted to you for your kind actions. I hope no one got hurt on my behalf.” Chocolate meowed. She bowed her head and stepped back, gesturing that she was done. Callie went on talking about her and so on, and as she did, Chocolate looked up and noticed that Amber was staring at her. To Chocolate’s surprise, Amber smiled and nodded her head.

Suddenly, Chocolate noticed that Callie was done, and jumped down off the rock alongside her. Amber dismissed the meeting and walked over towards them. Callie nodded her head, and Chocolate did the same. To Chocolate’s surprise, Amber addressed her.

“You’re quite a good speaker, although I’m sure that took you by surprise,” Amber purred with amusement, “But what I came over to say was that we rescued you from Oak pack because we thought you had the potential to be a good fighter. Since we always have someone attacking us, we need more cats like you. Every inch of our land is needed to be able to feed all of our cats, and if we can't protect it, we will all starve. I would like to invite you to join our pack. You could be a very valuable part of our community. Think about my offer,” she said as Chocolate looked thoughtful, “and let me know of your decision at first light.” With a flick of her tail, she signaled to her second-in-command and they bounded off into the darkening sky.

“Wow!” meowed Callie, “You’re so lucky! Amber herself asked you to join! I had Stripes ask me. Are you going to join?”

“I think so,” said Chocolate.

“Oh, please do!” pleaded Callie, “You’re my friend now, and I don’t want to lose you!”

“Okay, fine,” Chocolate purred, “I’ll join, but first you have to tell me some more about Sycamore pack, like what the jobs are, and what do we eat, and where do we sleep and such.

“As for jobs, you have to go through a series of trainings after proving your loyalty. You’ll start out as a kitten watcher, and that’s how you prove your loyalty to the clan. There is one permanent kitten watcher, who will teach you what to do and report any mistakes you make to Amber. See that cat over there? That red Abyssinian?” she asked.

Chocolate nodded, seeing the motherly cat she had noticed earlier on. The elderly cat had a beautiful red coat that had tan tick-marks on every hair, giving her a speckled appearance. She was a beautiful cat, the graying around her muzzle only added to her fine looks.

“That’s Abbey, the kitten watcher. After being a kitten watcher, if you prove your loyalty, you will be promoted to an apprentice. You will then be taught by three different cats: a hunter, a patroller, and a warrior, in that order. They will teach you how to do many different things. Do you get all of this?” asked Callie.

Chocolate nodded again.

“There are two apprentices right now. See over there? That Egyptian Mau?” she meowed pointing with her tail to a young male cat, about Chocolate’s age with a beautiful pelt of light and dark grey swirls. “His name is Smoke. That cat right next to him is Platinum, who’s the other apprentice,” she purred, pointing out a young Burmese. His dark points were accentuated by his fawn colored fur; each hair was tipped with silver, giving him a grey sheen. Every time he moved his fur sparkled in the waning sunlight, like a spider web covered in dew. Both cats were sitting and chatting together, friends coming together to gossip at the end of a long day.

“After being an apprentice, you can choose to be a hunter or a patroller. If you choose to be a hunter, you stay a hunter; it is fun to be a hunter, experiencing the thrill of the hunt as you chase down prey. If you choose the other path, you get to be a patroller, which isn’t quite as fun as being a hunter. The catch is, that after being a patroller, you get to be a warrior, which is the coolest job. Did you get all that?” Callie asked.

“Wow!” meowed Chocolate, “I want to be a warrior. Who are the warriors?”

“Jet and Ice,” meowed Callie, “they’re over there,” She gestured to a pair of sleek, strong-looking cats sitting near the glade’s main entrance, guarding the camp. One was stark white, while the other was black. Their proud postures denoted their high rank in the pack. They were obviously mates; every so often Jet would gently rasp his tongue over Ice’s ear.

“Okay,” meowed Chocolate, “I get it. But let’s say I wanted to be a healer, like you. If I wanted to, how could I get there?”

“I was appointed,” she said simply, sounding as if she knew there was no way any other cat could do her job.

Chocolate looked around. She was getting very hungry.

“Can we eat some thing please?” she asked, “I'm very hungry, and not to mention tired. I haven’t eaten since I left the Master’s.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I‘ll show you to the food.” Callie meowed. “We keep some stored in a burrow under a waterfall in the stream. The water keeps it cold so it won't rot as fast. Don’t worry,” she added as she saw the look on Chocolate’s face, “you don’t have to get wet to get it. I’ll show you!”

After eating her fill of the delicious mice and rats that were the night’s dinner, Chocolate was shown to what was to be her sleeping quarters.

“Over there is where you sleep,” Callie said, pointing out a small crevice in a large pile of rocks with her tail. Inside, it widened out into a cave. “I sleep over in a spot next to the herb patch, near where I work. The cave where you sleep is much more comfy inside than it looks on the outside,” she said purring at Chocolate’s expression. “Smoke and Platinum, the two apprentices, sleep there too.

Callie yawned, tired after her days labors.

“Good night, Chocolate! I’ll see you at first light,” She meowed, winking before she turned and walked towards her herb patch.

“‘Night, Callie!” Chocolate called after her before she wound her way into the cave.

As Chocolate walked into the heart of the cave, she looked around as best as she could in the dim lighting. The granite walls seemed to be about three cat-lengths apart, and the ceiling about as high. The ground beneath her paws was sandy, and it felt nice and cool from being in the shade all day. Smoke and Platinum were laying down on their nests; sleeping places composed of moss, down, and anything else soft they could find. They greeted her as she walked in

“Hi Chocolate!” they meowed in unison as they heard her enter.

“Hello there!” she replied, walking over to them.

“We made you a spot to sleep, over there in the soft moss,” meowed Smoke, gesturing towards a makeshift nest, “and by the way, my name is Smoke.”

“I know,” meowed Chocolate, smiling, “Callie pointed you guys out.”

“Did she really,” purred Platinum with a dreamy expression on his face, “tell her I said ‘hi’, okay?”

“Sure thing,” meowed Chocolate, “but I’m sure she’ll appreciate it more if you tell her yourself!”

“Oh, okay,” said Platinum, smiling, “Good idea. I’ll try that tomorrow!”

“Night!” said Chocolate, walking in circles to pat down the moss before laying on it.

“Good night,” Platinum replied.

“Chocolate?” called Smoke from his nest, “I’m sorry your nest isn’t very good. We didn’t have much notice that you would be sleeping here. I’m pretty sure you’ll have time to customize it tomorrow.”

“No worries. This is much better than I expected anyways,” said Chocolate. “Good night Smoke.”

“Good night,” he replied sleepily.

As Chocolate lay there, and thought of the things to come, she smiled. All was good.



Is this better? I went on an editing splurge and here is the result. Tell me if there is anything else I messed and then I can post the next chapter (after I edit that one too)
Thanks again!!!
;196;~ Chareon
 
A

Angelstorm

Guest
This is much better than the original chapter before. A few things could be changed, but you still have time to work on your style and description. Just take your time and think of what was written before, and what you want to write about ahead. It is also good that you put more originality than from the warriors series that you based your tale on. (I read it too.)

I'm only thirteen and you say I'm a good writer? I don't think myself as good since I have alot to learn about writing fanfics, though I do know a few things sometimes.

“Hello?” she called. No answer. Then, in the next flash of lightning, she saw them. There were about fifteen to twenty cats surrounding her, all ready to pounce. Before she could even blink, they were upon her. She scratched and bit gallantly, but to no avail. She was overwhelmed by all of the cats. Just as she was about to go under, she heard a loud yowl.

“Charge!” she heard the mystery voice shout.

Chocolate lay there, pretending to be dead, all the while listening to the sounds of fighting around her. Then, she was found by one of the cats who had attacked her. She squirmed as his teeth closed around her throat. Then she blacked out.

I find it a bit unreal that she would pretend to be dead when being attacked by fifteen cats though... It might work with one cat, but let's say if all of them started to try and bite her throat I would have thought that Chocolate would have kept on stuggling, even if it was a feeble struggle.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I‘ll show you to the food.” Callie meowed. “We keep some stored in a burrow under a waterfall in the stream. The water keeps it cold so it won't rot as fast. Don’t worry,” she added as she saw the look on Chocolate’s face, “you don’t have to get wet to get it. I’ll show you!”

After eating her fill of the delicious mice and rats that were the night’s dinner, Chocolate was shown to what was to be her sleeping quarters.

Wait... Under a waterfall? I think you mean behind it in some kind of cave... right? Prey in a stream-bed isn't very... good, unless you want to feed the fishes or something. Water rots some food a little quicker I think, that's why people hate it when it gets soggy because the food deteriorates and gets all mushy. So the stream would be filled with bones because of that... 0_0

-

Well I haven't seen much else that caught my eye to improve, though i'm not shure... The dialouge might need a bit of work though.

I wish you luck, and I can't wait for the next chapter!
 

Chareon

-blinkblink-
Oog, yep, you are a great writer! I'm almost fifteen and you write better than me! *almost gets overwhelmed* *recovers* anyways, I started typing this story in '02 and if you look at the date in the firsat warriors book, it's '03... I didn't get my idea from that book, although when it came out I even had to change the word "clan" to "pack" so people wouldn't think I was copying Erin Hunter. I just put the warriors connection in my signature to get cat-lovers to read my fic...
On your first point that you pointed(<- man, I need a thesaurus) out, she heard other cats fighting the first ones that had attacked her, thats why she plays dead (the fight, flight, or freeze instinct) I'll put that in there.
On your second point *laughs* I didn't word that very well, did I? Yes, its in a cave behind the waterfall, I'll fix that as soon as possible. Thank you for your continued reviews, you are affecting my writing in a positive way! (my english teacher even noticed ^^ "Wow, your writing has really improved recently! Keep it up!") Thanks!
I will post the next chapter as soon as I fix the mistakes you pointed out!

;196;~ Chareon
 

Zephyr Soul

<is awesome
Wow... very nice. I noticed a few spots where you forgot to put in periods, but that was it. (I'm not very good at reviewing...) Plus, I noticed that you spelled 'missed' 'messed'. It's on the end of the edited version.
 

Chareon

-blinkblink-
Chapter 2

*sighs deparingly*
I tried on this one, I really did, but it just didn't come out as well as I was expecting. Well, here goes!

Rating: PG


II​


“Chocolate! Chocolate, wake up!”

Chocolate awoke to the insistent voice of Smoke.

“Chocolate, Amber wants to see you!” meowed Smoke. He prodded her with his paw again. It wasn’t quite light out.

“Okay, okay I'm up,” she grumbled. Then she remembered the occurrences of the past day and awoke fully with a start.

“Where’s Amber?” she asked.

“Over by the dead tree stump,” Smoke meowed, “I’ll take you to her.”

Smoke lead her through the glade, to the western side, where the stump of an old tree was still in the ground, with the toppled over upper part laying right next to it.

“Here you are, Chocolate, see you tonight!” With a leap and a bound, he was gone. Chocolate turned to Amber.

“So, have you made your decision?” asked Amber.

“I sure have,” meowed Chocolate, “I've decided to join. I have good friends, food, water, shelter, and a job. It doesn’t get much better than this!”

“Very well,” Amber meowed, “You will start your job immediately. I trust that Callie has told you all about the jobs?”

“Yes, she has. May I go now?”

“Of course,” she meowed as Chocolate turned to go. “And Chocolate?”

“Yes?”

“Good luck.”


* * *​


Abbey was startled when Chocolate bounded in.

“Oh, you’re the one who’s going to help me. You’ve arrived just in time to help me take the kittens down to the stream and teach them how to swim. Lucky you!” she said chuckling.

The kittens slowly filtered out of the nursery, which was a long dead bush with the vines of a morning glory weaving through it, making a great shelter for nursing queens and their kittens. The baby cats looked up at Chocolate curiously as they stumbled out, wondering who their new babysitter was.

Chocolate looked bashful. “Um, Abbey? I don’t know how to swim either.”

“That’s okay, dearie, I’ll just teach you too. You can just help me keep them waiting their turn,” Abbey said reassuringly, before turning and reprimanding a little brindled tabby who had wandered off in the same breath, “If you don’t come back here right this instant I won't let you out of the nursery until your naming!” The kitten responded with alacrity, rushing back to where the other kittens were grouped.

“Come on now, follow Abbey and Chocolate to the river now,” Abbey said in a sweet tone, turning and leading the kittens towards the river while Chocolate brought up the rear.

By the time they had made it to the river, they were already tired of reprimanding the curious kittens, who would wander off the moment they thought they weren’t being watched. Since the kittens did not even have names yet, it made it doubly hard.

“Come here you!”

“If you don’t get over here I’ll…”

“No, no, no! Don’t go into the water yet!”

“Everybody in one line now!”

Suddenly, Smoke bounded out of nowhere, yowling, “Everybody in a single file line! Come on you young half pints! Get in a line now and listen to your nurses.” He grinned at Chocolate as the kittens hurriedly formed a line on the banks of the river.

“Smoke! Where did you come from?” Chocolate exclaimed.

“Here, there and everywhere!” he meowed.

“Well,” Chocolate purred, “You came just in the nick of time. I was about to start pulling my fur out.” She turned to the kittens, “Okay now, listen to Abbey. She is going to teach you how to swim.”

She turned to Smoke.

“What are you doing here Smoke? Aren't you supposed to be training?” Chocolate asked.

“Nope, I get the rest of today off, along with tomorrow. Then it’s back to schooling for me.” He meowed.

“Oh good,” meowed Chocolate, “tomorrow is my day off too. Maybe we could go swimming! I’m just about to learn how.”

“Sure,” he replied, “I bet you’ll be great. Listen, I’ve got to go eat, but I’ll see you tonight!”

“Bye,” she meowed, turning back to her job.


* * *​


The next day, Chocolate woke up and stretched, her limbs slightly sore from the previous day’s activities.

She walked over to Smoke, “Wake up,” she said, prodding him, “you said you would go swimming with me! Come on, wake up.”

“Okay, okay, I'm up!” he said yawning. “Let’s go get breakfast, and then I’ll take you to my favorite swimming spot.

They bounded over to where the hunters had left out some of that morning’s catch, so the rest of the pack didn’t have to go get it.

“Ooh, mouse, my favorite!” said Chocolate with a full mouth, spraying Smoke with mouse bits and spit.

“Glad you like it,” he said, laughing as he groomed his face.

“So where’s this ‘favorite swimming spot’ huh? Hope the current isn’t too strong! I'm still not a very good swimmer” Chocolate meowed.

“Come on, I’ll show you!”

* * *

Smoke led her upstream and around a bend in the river.

Chocolate gasped, “Wow, it’s so beautiful!”

It really was beautiful. There were cattails waving on the banks, with crystal clear water trickling into a small pool with masses of tiny fish in it. The mid-morning sun beamed down onto the water, making the surface sparkle like diamond.

“Come on,” Smoke meowed. “Let’s go!”

They bounded over to the water. Chocolate tested the water with her paw and found it to be perfect, not too cold, but not warm. She saw Smoke hesitate a little, so she splashed water at him with her paw.

“Hey!” he said, splashing her back. Before long, it had turned into a water fight. They were having so much fun that they didn’t notice the two figures creeping towards them through the cattails until it was too late.

“MEOW!” the figures shouted as they pounced on Smoke and Chocolate.

Smoke and Chocolate turned and splashed them too.

“Hi guys,” they said, after Callie and Platinum had been soaked through. “Fancy seeing you here!”

“Well,” said Platinum, “This was our idea!”

“Was not!” Chocolate meowed, splashing him with water.

“Was too!” Callie yowled, splashing all of them.

Soon, they were all engaged in a furious water fight against each other, Callie and Platinum versus Chocolate and Smoke. By the time sunhigh rolled around, they were all exhausted.

“Let’s call it a truce,” said Smoke, “I'm hungry!”

“I agree,” said Callie, “Let’s go eat!”

As they turned around to go back to the dell, Callie stopped.

“Um, you guys? Something’s not right here... YOW!!”

When they turned around, they saw a white blur streaking towards Callie, with other blurs moving towards them from all directions.

“Callie!” Platinum yowled as he flung himself in front of the blur, “Watch out!”

Chocolate felt herself stagger forward as something hit her from behind. She turned and scratched on impulse as Smoke shouted, “Attack! Chocolate, go get help!

Chocolate gave one last bit at her attacker, turned and ran. As soon as she got around the bend in the river, she yowled, “Attack! Up around the bend! Attack!”

As soon as the pack heard her, all of the fit cats were up and running towards the river bend. Chocolate followed, hoping her friends were okay.

When she got back, she saw Platinum laying on the ground, half in, half out of the water, with Callie and Smoke on either side of him, hissing at the surrounding pack.

“I'm coming guys!” she yowled, throwing herself at the closest cat. She scratched him and then bit him hard on the back of his neck. He wiggled free and then ran off, splashing through the shallow brook.

Chocolate ran towards her friends, but before she got there, she was confronted by a beautiful fawn colored Somali. She had beautiful, long, luxurious fur, but her face was contorted with an awful expression. The cat scratched her on the nose as Chocolate tried to run around her, digging her claws in as deep as they would get. Chocolate whirled upon her attacker, scratching her back with such swiftness that the other cat was taken aback. The moments hesitation was all Chocolate needed. She threw herself on the cat, biting her hard on the shoulder, drawing blood. Chocolate released her as the other cat scratched back, panting slightly as she watched the other cat glare at her.

By this time, all the rest of the cats had been chased off, and the Sycamore pack turned to watch.

The other cat charged, and as she got close, Chocolate side-stepped the attack and scratched her on the nose. The other cat, looking surprised, turned and charged again. This time, Chocolate side-stepped her to the other direction and scratched her as she rushed past. Her attacker turned quickly, and rushed at Chocolate’s unprotected back. Chocolate timed it just right and kicked out hard with both of her back legs. Her opponent flipped backwards through the air, landing heavily on her back. The beautiful, cream colored cat got up, severely winded, and said, “I’ll get you next time!” before bounding off after the rest of her pack.


Chocolate ran over to her friends as soon as the fight was finished.

“Is everyone ok?” she asked, still panting heavily.

“I’m ok, and so is Callie,” said Smoke, “she’s over there, tending to Platinum.

Chocolate bounded across the glade to the herb patch, where Callie and Platinum were.

“Is Platinum ok?” she asked Callie.

“He’ll be fine, he just needs to rest,” she purred, “he got pretty scratched up protecting me from the leader of Pine pack.”

“Oh, so that’s what pack that was,” meowed Chocolate.

“Yes. We were all watching you fight Pearl, Pine pack’s second-in-command. You were so cool! I bet you’ll get promoted,” Callie meowed, “you defeated a second-in-command! Not many cats can claim to have done that! You’ve definitely proved yourself now!”

*****************************************

Well? Is it good?

Oh, by the way, welcome MewLover!

Replies/critisism welcome!

;196;~ Chareon
 
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