STOP ACTING LIKE ALAN DID TO MAY!YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER!IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! *flees may*Mark took a deep breath. “So this is goodbye,” he said awkwardly. It was weird, too weird; though he should have had more than enough time to get used to the idea he’d have to release one of his Pokémon, he still couldn’t get rid of the feeling that he’d failed her, that this wouldn’t be happening if he’d just done something better.
when were they ever friendlier with each other than with the others? i don't remeber that..............Jolteon was standing a little back, looking down; Mark had figured he’d take her leaving the hardest and now wished, with a twinge of guilt, that he’d had the presence of mind to talk to him about it first. “I’ll miss you,” Jolteon said in a small voice, still not meeting Letaligon’s eyes. “Thanks for... for being my friend.”
He looked up at her at last; his eyes shone with tears as he stepped very carefully up to her and, after another moment of hesitation, rubbed his head gently against her leg. Again Letaligon seemed startled; she looked miserably down at Jolteon, shaking her head a little, and then said quietly, “Goodbye.”
i just had a horrible image“Will you come with me?” she asked, her voice uncharacteristically pleading.
“What?” Mark asked in confusion, hesitating. “And watch you...?”
why?“He was a monster to my mother, not just me,” she went on, not looking at him. “You didn’t watch him, every day, treating her like...” She trailed off. “She was his mate. He should have loved her. But he didn’t. And she couldn’t leave him because he was the leader. The leader has a right to a mate.”
when has he EVER corrected her in a mean way (besides when he was worried and couldn't help it)?“Shut up, Mark,” she snarled with a sudden ferocity, jerking her head back towards him. “All you ever want is to tell me I’m wrong.”
see? GO LEGATON!!!!!!!!!!!WOOHOO!She quickened her pace in the opposite direction, and he hastened to keep up with her. After a moment, she said, in a tone of forced conviction, “Shiny armor is heavy. I’ll be faster than him. And I beat a Letaligon at the League while I was still a Letal.”
see you're not a bad trainer (kinda like may)*flees may*Letaligon nodded slightly and Mark felt a little warmer.
as in, another of powers daughters or one of vigors daughters? and a girl in charge of her mom? how would that work?“No,” Letaligon said quietly. “I only went to evolve. I’m back now.” She hesitated for a moment as her mother nuzzled her again. “Where’s... where’s Father?” she then asked.
Her mother looked in her eyes, shaking her head slowly. “Vigor’s dead,” she said. “Your sister evolved and deposed him, months ago. She’s leader now.”
Mark’s heart stung weirdly as Letaligon stared at her. “My father’s dead?” she repeated in incomprehension.
how come he chose her but didn't love herThe older Letaligon looked at her for a moment, eyes sorrowful, and then murmured, “Hope, he wasn’t your father.”
Letaligon blinked, stiffening. “What do you mean?”
There was a long pause. “So...” Letaligon finally began, swallowing, “so all those times he refused to call me his daughter... he was right?”
Her mother’s eyes widened at the anger in her voice and she took a horrified step back, shaking her head. “Of course it wasn’t right for him to treat you like that – but –”
“Why?” Letaligon asked, her voice shaking as she raised it. “Why would you...”
“It was a moment of weakness!” her mother said, pleadingly. “Please understand. I didn’t choose Vigor. He chose me and he’s the leader; I couldn’t say no. But I was Power’s mate before I was Vigor’s, and sometimes I just...”
they're born a bunch at a time right? if not...thats bad parenting on 'vigor's part...“They do,” her mother said. “Even shiny mothers can give birth to Leta that aren’t shiny, sometimes. But I had to lie; he would’ve killed us both if he’d known for sure, and you were just a Leta – you couldn’t have understood, then. Don’t you see?”
wow, that musta've been awkward for markFor a long moment they looked at one another, Letaligon’s gaze staring and disbelieving, her mother’s sad and concerned.
maybe she should call him Vigor like before. that's kinda confusing“Hope,” the older Letaligon murmured, “please come home. I’m sorry for how you feel, but I did it for you, because I love you. Vigor is gone and we can’t change it, but Power will be a better father to you than he ever was.”
and scyther also tried to lose matches on purpose, not exacly something legaton would do.“Letaligon,” he said again, quietly, as he placed a careful hand on her neck, remembering his conversations with Scyther, “life is what you make of it. When things don’t work out like you thought they would, you can find a new purpose. You’re safe, your mother’s safe, and your father can’t hurt you anymore – you can put it all behind you now, if you just let yourself.”
so she invites him there just to tell him that?“Just leave me alone,” she said, her voice still shaking. It stung, even after all this, but Mark forced himself to nod and step away.
that just seems worded kinda weirdly... maybe change it to something like "the final look she had given him made him think she might take his advice to heart after all."He wasn’t sure what, but something in that final look she had given him had given him a shimmer of hope that maybe she would take his last piece of advice to heart after all.
It's been in the background; a lot of the time when Mark's Pokémon are just out and about, Jolteon and Letaligon have been mentioned to be together, either talking or battling. Charizard and Dragonite similarly tend to stick together. I don't blame you for missing it, though; it's only off-hand mentions in a few chapters, really.Chimpchar said:when were they ever friendlier with each other than with the others? i don't remeber that..............
Because that's what Letaligon society is like: the herd has a shiny leader and the leader basically has absolute power over everyone.Chimpchar said:why?
Oh, he hasn't, really. Letaligon is just stressed out and lashing out at him for implying yet another time that he doesn't want her to fight her father, which especially gets to her right now because she's having doubts about it herself and what she really wanted was reassurance that she would beat him.Chimpchar said:when has he EVER corrected her in a mean way (besides when he was worried and couldn't help it)?
Vigor's; she says "sister" because they do have the same mother and grew up thinking of each other as sisters, and it wouldn't have made sense for her to call another daughter of Power's her sister yet because she hasn't yet revealed she isn't Vigor's daughter. It couldn't have been another daughter of Power's anyway, for that matter, because only shinies can be leaders and Power isn't shiny, so his children wouldn't be either; it's been a while since the fic explained how leadership works in the Letaligon herd, though, so I don't blame you for being confused about it. Come to think of it, maybe I should try to work in a bit of a refresher on that.Chimpchar said:as in, another of powers daughters or one of vigors daughters? and a girl in charge of her mom? how would that work?
He did, in his own horribly privileged way - though he never took her feelings into account (because he's shiny, and she's not, and it never even occurred to him that he should), he genuinely liked her and didn't originally treat her badly, really. But then she gave birth to this non-shiny Leta and he could never really forgive her for that. Letaligon isn't properly aware he ever treated her mother better because that was, by definition, before she was born, and she never reasoned it would have changed because of her, since she never picked up on what his real problem was with the fact she wasn't shiny to begin with.Chimpchar said:how come he chose her but didn't love her
Not sure what you mean by that. Only one Leta is born at a time, but I don't see what bearing this has on whether killing your lover and her child upon finding out she cheated is "bad parenting" (I'd think that's pretty horrible "parenting" either way). Could you elaborate?Chimpchar said:they're born a bunch at a time right? if not...thats bad parenting on 'vigor's part...
Hmm, now that you mention it that is ambiguous. Changed on my site; I can't be bothered to edit the post here, since it's not too hard to tell from the context anyway.Chimpchar said:maybe she should call him Vigor like before. that's kinda confusing
She got him to come with her because she was scared and wanted some company and because she wanted to still have the option of turning back and staying with him after all - but fat chance she's going to tell him that or let him know she appreciates him in any way. At that particular moment she's just pretty upset, and when you're upset it's very easy to lash out at people who are trying to help you; it just seems infuriating that they aren't as upset as you about it, especially if they then start to tell you it's no big deal, because obviously to you it is a big deal.Chimpchar said:so she invites him there just to tell him that?
Hm, I kind of want the "shimmer of hope" (or a similar implication) in there to show that it's given him hope but he still isn't certain, but I see what you mean ("had given him had given him" is pretty awkward). Reworded it differently on my site, anyway.Chimpchar said:that just seems worded kinda weirdly... maybe change it to something like "the final look she had given him made him think she might take his advice to heart after all."
Uh. He knew how many children his mate had given birth to, but that didn't mean he knew how many of them were in fact his. This works just like a human paternity dispute. Actually, how old are you?i mean b/c he didn't know she wasn't really his duaghter, did he? so he didn't know how many children he had with his mate or he would've noticed an extra child...right? or is he just too busy to care/count or something?
Mark's a good trainer. He really cares about his Pokemon...I liked this paragraph.Mark was frozen for a moment before he realized that this was truly it. “Goodbye, Letaligon,” he called belatedly after her, unable to think of anything better to say. “Try to be happy –” – and suddenly his voice broke on the last word, because in a sweeping moment it hit him hard that she probably wouldn’t listen to him, any more than she had ever wanted to listen to him, and she really might spend the rest of her life not even trying to find her drive again.
Letaligon never really cared about anything other than defeating her father, and she didn't get long enough after losing that purpose to start figuring out if there was something else she'd like to do with her life instead. Maybe she'd have decided to stick around if she'd gotten a few days or weeks to think about it. As it is, her mother just took her away before she'd had the chance to make much of a decision about anything.moonlightning said:I wonder if it is truly over. It seems crazy to me that Letaligon doesn't want to help save the world or anything, especially now that he has nothing else to do.
"Most of which"? That's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it? They had two Master Balls; one got used on Polaryu when he was about to attack Mark, the other on Dragoreen when all three of the dragons were about to escape. And now they're left with no Master Balls at all, so thinking they ought to have just thrown the Master Balls before it even became clear things were that desperate seems rather rash.moonlightning said:Great chapter, things seem to have gone a bit quiet, action-wise. I can still remember those awesome legendary catching battles, most of which ended in a Master Ball and me thinking "well they could have just done that in the first place."
I think if there was one word to some up that entire conversation it would be this: awkward. Two months fly by, and neither May, Mark, or Alan hold a normal conversation without some unspoken awkwardness passing between them. That's human emotions for ya.She looked up; Mark waited, but she didn’t speak. “Fine,” he said instead on her behalf. “Better.”
There was silence.
“See you tomorrow.”
“Yeah. See you.”
And Alan hung up.
Missing a punctuation of your choice here.They did, but the mood for conversation had largely been killed, and as they sat around the fire with their Pokémon[insert] Mark eventually took to browsing idly through his Pokédex.
This sentence is rather long. I think it would actually be considered a run sentence if I am not mistaken.In the intervening months since their capture of Dragoreen, he had properly discovered for the first time how many functions it had that seemed to exist solely for statistics geeks – he could access a log of every time he had sent out his Pokémon, for instance, complete with a list of which of his Pokémon had seen the least out-of-Pokéball-time in the past month (Thunderyu, Dragoreen and Chaletwo had a large red zero, as if to scold him for never letting them out).
I had to laugh at the irony of this scene. Alan seems to paint himself as a ne'er-do-bad, yet this scene depicts a rather different picture. Ah, the irony of it.Someone cleared his throat behind them, and Mark turned sharply around to see Alan standing sheepishly a short distance away.
Almost makes me want to have a Stantler. Absolutely love her personality. Motherly, blunt, and digs right to the point. Though, it makes me think. I may be wrong, but hasn't Mark and May try to get Alan to forget the past and move forward, and both fail. Yet this Stantler drives this point home, and Alan actually heeds her words over the attempts of the other two. Maybe its different if someone outside the incident says it.There was another pause. “For what it’s worth,” Stantler went on, “I don’t think my trainer needs your help to feel like a murderer, so I’d appreciate if you’d move on and treat her like a person.”
Alan blinked at her; May looked like she’d been stung, but kept her gaze on him.
Grammar nitpick first: As the second half is considered a clause, it does deserve a comma so that it does not look like a run on.“All the time we’ve been here,” Scyther went on, looking him in the eye, “I’ve been trying to forget. I was going to let go of the Code and the swarm and my life in the wild. But it’s hard[comma] and I can’t. I can’t just leave again. I have to go and find my swarm.”
Things felt strange and surreal all of a sudden; flashbacks of Letaligon assaulted Mark, but this time, after going through that with her, he was oddly calm. “Will you be coming back?” he just said.
He sure has an affinity for finding incredibly rare Pokemon, eh......?Mark went straight up to the bell on the desk and hammered it with his hand until a red-haired nurse dressed in white, whose name was most likely Joy, came out of a room in the back.
“No need to be so harsh on the bell,” she said serenely.
“I… I found this Eevee,” Mark panted, attempting to catch his breath, and gently placed the little Pokémon, unconscious, on the desk. “He was fainted near the road to Sailance…”
“Sailance?” the nurse, whom Mark just decided to call Joy, questioned. “Isn’t that out of the Pokémon-inhabited area?”
“Yes, it is, is Eevee going to be fine?” Mark asked very quickly.
“What was an Eevee doing there?” repeated Nurse ‘Joy’.
“Should I know that?” Mark said loudly. “I asked: Is he going to be all right?”
This just seems.. really... I can't think of the word. Childish? Unrealistic? Why would this guy want to be a gym leader, anyway? And why the hell would they make him the very first gym leader you fight? And why wouldn't EVERYONE be clamoring to become one of his junior trainers?“What type of Pokémon does the gym leader train?” Mark asked, happy to have managed to get to the point so quickly.
“Legendary Pokémon,” she answered simply.
... Hmmmmm. So technically he's too young to battle, but Joy, a Pokemon health expert, thinks he should keep going, because he's been forced to before... Yeahhhhh. Because it's not like there's anyone in the world who could take care of the Eevee and not battle it. It's not like Pokemon Centers have the resources and capability of taking care of a Pokemon who, as Joy said, is too young to battle, or making sure it is taken care of properly. Of course, Mark is too selfless to even think about wanting such a rare and sought-after Pokemon as Eevee, but once again, it just falls right into his lap.“Megan, your Pokémon have been fully healed,” Nurse Joy said with a small bow, handing three Pokéballs to the girl, then turning to Mark, “and your Eevee is going to be in perfect battle condition tomorrow. The hotel is just round the corner, if you plan on staying there.”
“Battle condition?” Mark questioned. “But isn’t he too young to battle?”
“Technically, yes,” Nurse Joy sighed. “But he’s been battling, apparently. Got some Rattata bites and scratches. Goodness knows what he’s been through…”
“Oh, okay,” said Mark. “But I’ll release him afterwards, right? He isn’t caught in a Pokéball…”
“Well…” said Nurse Joy sadly, “I have to admit that I don’t think that’s a very good idea. He’s been battling, but hasn’t fared all too well. If he came across a Raticate or Sandslash…”
“You mean I should take him?” asked Mark, shocked.
Eh? You only have a Trainer ID if you BUY a Pokedex? That makes no sense. And in some cases, like if you were some kind of criminal, it would actually be advantageous. And I can only assume that Mark has no other forms of identification. So basically, unless you can afford a Pokedex, and it doesn't break or something, there is absolutely no way to identify you.“Your ID number, please?”
Mark immediately realized that of course, he had forgotten to buy a Pokédex, and what was more, he had never actually read Pokémon Training for Dummies. Feeling stupid, he blushed and said: “Er, I don’t have one yet.”
“It’s necessary to give your trainer ID before checking in,” said the woman.
“I’ll go to the Pokémart and buy a Pokédex, then, and come back afterwards,” Mark suggested. The woman nodded and sank back into her newspaper.
This sounds silly. I have trouble imagining someone reaching 'crazily' down.reaching crazily down
Which is why the first gym is Legendary...WARNING: Legendary Pokémon possess power that no human could dream of and should never be attacked, provoked or even approached. Travelers are advised to leave the Lake before nightfall.
So on his first day he gets Charmander, Eevee, and sees a legendary. Yes, I know, the legendary supposedly goes there every night, but it still seems like a ploy to make sure Mark gets to see a legendary. Again, the entire world seems to exist to make sure Mark gets and sees cool Pokemon..The air chilled as a graceful, dark blue shadow rushed out from the forest to the right. The elegant, catlike shape stopped at the bank of the lake, to be illuminated by the moonlight which now flowed out after a cloud passed above.
I LOL'D. Four Pokemon: Charmander, Eevee, Sandshrew, and Gyarados. In one day. Not to mention a legendary sighting. And he doesn't even have to go through the awkward Magikarp stage, the reason why Gyarados are so uncommon in 'fics! Does this really strike nobody as odd? What justifies this absurdity? I have no problem with an abnormally strong, talking Gyarados. I DO have a big problem with one being given to a trainer on his first day- not to mention literally hours after a Charmander and and an Eevee.“It doesn’t matter! What you do is catch me and get me to a Pokémon center. You must not tell anybody where you found me. You must never mention what happened here to anybody. If you just do that, I will serve you with all my might forever. Agreed?”
The Joys sure seem like tools who're there to make Mark seem godly. And she doesn't seem curious at all as to how his super overpowered Gyarados speaks English.....?“I fed him very nicely,” said the nurse, smiling. “After eating, he even said – in English, mind you; that’s quite some Pokémon you got! – that I was the second-nicest human in the world, after you.” She giggled.
Mark is so absurdly overpowered...“Yes. You must have earned his respect very well; most Gyarados are quite overwhelmed by their power when they evolve and are some of the most arrogant, impolite Pokémon you’ll ever see – he isn’t like that at all.”
“Well, that’s good,” Mark said, brightening up. To think of it… Gyarados would actually obey and be his strongest Pokémon…
A possibly abused Eevee who is too young to battle and, in fact, doesn't know what battle is? Sure, trainer! Here, make it strong. Why would they give such a young Pokemon, in such a delicate situation, to an extremely novice trainer who has little to no experience with Pokemon, period?“Don’t you know what a Pokémon trainer is?”
Eevee shook his head and looked up at Mark curiously.
I'm pretty sure he is. I recall reading this story once, many years ago. And I recall it being very hard to get into, with many Stu-ish aspects (though I do enjoy the writing style- I promise I'm not trying to outright bash your 'fic). And now I remember why I can't remember Mark or any of his team, only Chaletwo and some stuff about Legendaries. Mark and his team are a bit ridiculous.“Great,” said Mark, still not believing what was happening. Him, with an Eevee!
“Will you come into the Pokéball now, then?” he asked upon realization that Eevee was waiting for him to say something else. The Pokémon thought a bit, but then nodded, smiling. Mark recalled Eevee into the Pokéball, convinced that he was the luckiest person alive.
Wha? Articuno is nothing like a parrot. Parrots have huge, curved beaks and large heads. Articuno has a very small beak and head. Articuno has always struck me as having a peacock-like body (if not the tail).A smooth, peaceful-sounding cry of “a-ar” emitted from the magnificent, parrot-like icy blue bird
Charmander evolved.... on their second day of training? ................................Charmander’s now pure white shape was steadily growing larger and bulkier. A small horn grew out of the back of the Pokémon’s head. His muzzle lengthened. Then the growth came to a halt. For a second, the shape was just there emitting a bright aura; then the glow faded revealing a crimson red Charmeleon; bigger, more muscular and dragon-like, but otherwise somewhat similar to Charmander.
A more adult-shaped eye looked at Mark. A weak, deep “Char…” came from the evolved Pokémon, but then his legs collapsed under him and he lay limply on the ground, fainted.
... And has Flamethrower? And a level 9 Sandshrew has Earthquake? Mark really doesn't seem hideously overpowered to you, on his second day of training? ...... Sigh.“Charmeleon,” he said in a formal tone, “are you willing to accept this Flamethrower as your first Technical Machine move?”
The Pokémon grinned. “I do,” he then said seriously.
Run-on sentences are a very specific grammatical concept; they're sentences containing two or more independent clauses (i.e. clauses that could be full sentences of their own) that are improperly separated, such as "My name is Bob I am a Pokémon trainer." So no, it's not a run-on sentence - but yes, you're right that it's too long. I just hate it when people misuse 'run-on sentence' to apply to any long sentence.This sentence is rather long. I think it would actually be considered a run sentence if I am not mistaken.
I think Alan gives a bit more weight to her opinion because she actually is one of May's Pokémon and has first-hand knowledge of how May has treated her Pokémon recently.Though, it makes me think. I may be wrong, but hasn't Mark and May try to get Alan to forget the past and move forward, and both fail. Yet this Stantler drives this point home, and Alan actually heeds her words over the attempts of the other two. Maybe its different if someone outside the incident says it.
Scyther: I just... have to see Stormblade and Shadowdart again, I suppose. Last time we met, they seemed so changed; all I've been able to think in this time we've spent around Ruxido is why. I have to know what happened while I was gone. And... I suppose I have to see if they can forgive me. I've missed them.Question to Scyther: I don't suppose you would be willing to indulge us readers with why or what is driving you back to your old home before the next chapter is penned? What do you expect to gain? Or are you hinting that you are going to lead the swarm yourself now? Now that would be an interesting idea.
Don't forget them finding out more about the Color Dragons. In a way that was the main focus of the chapter, along with Alan returning.Well, as this was a rather good chapter, it definitely was a bland filler chapter. Nothing really happens except that Scyther takes off, and Alan joins the group again.
Wait, that seemed a bit mixed up. Shouldn’t it be “The breeding was suicide to begin with”?“Huh,” Chaletwo said. “Well, it’s missing some details. Color Dragons have been around for many Wars. Technically they can breed, but if they do they sacrifice their immortality and die soon after, so the last time it happened is fabled even among the legendaries. After the last War we recreated Vaxil, who had been around before, and a male called Yddri, and for some reason they hit it off. The suicide was breeding to begin with. Yddri died immediately, and Vaxil spread the eggs around different environments like Color Dragons do, took the last couple with her and waited for her own death. I doubt she liked all the petty rivalry between her children, but she was already dying. I’m not sure she even survived to the point Preciure pushed Dragoreen out of the cave, if that even happened and isn’t just something Dragoreen told the others to justify her little crusade against her brother, but if she did, she would have been barely alive, likely delirious and immobile – which would probably be why she didn’t intervene. And the way I heard it, after the children evolved, they noticed their mother was dead, started blaming each other for it to claim their right to her cave, and at some point in the scuffle they threw her body off the cliff themselves.”
Yeah, I really like how May is developing. Although Alan seemed very awkward when talking to her, understandably.“And you asked Sneasel if she wanted to evolve. You weren’t even forcing yourself to do it to sound better. You just did.”
It was May’s turn to blink.
“I mean, it’s a really small thing,” Alan said quickly, “and it’s not a sure indicator of anything, but I don’t think you’d ever have done that before.”
Chaletwo is saying she committed suicide by breeding to begin with, not as a result of what her children did. It is written that way around to make the suicide the subject of the sentence: he's not discussing the fact that breeding was suicidal (he's already established that), but the fact that the actual suicidal act happened before the modern Color Dragons were even born. Basically, the sentence breaks down as "[The suicide was] [breeding to begin with]", not as "[The suicide was breeding] [to begin with]".
Or, if that's incomprehensible, basically it amounts to this:
"She committed suicide by throwing herself off a cliff because her children were fighting?"
"No, actually, the suicide was when she screwed their father."
I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I'm pretty sure it's not what I meant. What I was trying to insinuate is that rather than having different types as they assumed originally, the Color Dragons have different abilities. All of them are plain Dragon/Flying-types; however, Puragon has an ability that powers up her Ice attacks, Raudra has an ability that powers up her Fire attacks, etc.Interesting how the legendaries’ characteristics are called special abilities as opposed to types because they adapted to their environment. Is that only true for legendaries, or is it true for other Pokemon as well?
Snorting Sneasel? Ha! I was chuckling for ages at that mental image. Should be a meme.“And Sneasel...” The weasel looked expectantly at May, who paused for a moment. “I don’t suppose you’re opposed to evolving.”
Sneasel snorted at the absurdity of the notion.