heh. I already typed out a reply under quick reply, but it got lost. I'm a "n00bie" so please don't bite if I do something wrong.
I think your story is great. It's what prompted me to join (I figured since I came here so much, I should join ^.^).
Umm... a couple lil' things could be fixed though.
time: There isn't a good sense of time in the story. For example, I thought Mark only spent one night at the hotel, but it seemed longer. It's easier fixed though, just add description of the sky here and there, or a glance at a clock. maybe something like "I walked out of the poké center and squinted my eyes against the harsh sunlight," or "The day was seemed endless, it was only two in the afternoon." (I know, not the best examples, but they get the point across)
money: Sometimes how much money Mark has is.... a bit fuzzy. I don't have the exact quotes, but what brought this to my attention was when Mark worried about his money buying potions... then he bought a pokédex... then he paid for a hotel room... then the tms.... See what I mean? If you need quotes, just tell me.
rushing events: I don't know if you ment to do this, but at one part in the gym battles it seemed to be really rushed. Not the battles, since Iknow they're low levels and thus are short (hehe, good job, you didn't fall prey to the "describe every single battle as if it were the championship" syndrome), but the going from one battle to the next. Maybe add a few more details inbetween?
catchign pokemon: you did great on that, the only thing I have to say about it is why not let the pokemon you just caugh meet you right after along with your team? (its just a personal preference of mine). I know you did introduce them and stuff, but didn't you send out the Sandshrew into battle without ever having to talk to it?
phew, I really hope I don't have to type all this again.
Now on to the things I really liked/or thought you did well on.
Explaining some of the more tricker things (like the Tms) that nintendo never did.
Eevee ^.^ (Eevees are my fav). that was a really unique idea for him to be so young and have to be explained to. Also the other pokémon characters are great too (you developed most of them quite well).
Hehe, I too agree that Mark should know something about Pokémon since he lives in a world where they matter so much... Ash being so ignorant was simply for the benefit of the viewers and storyline.
OOoo, I also like how you did the pokémon speech. hehe, "pro-pokeballs". NIiice one. The idea of school classes was cool too.
The making of a whole new region with its legends, while incorporating smoothly the already known ones. Nice cross references, such as how so many people come from other regions to visit the largest Skarmory nest. Interestig legends too. (the time thing confused me there too, but you explained it later on).
Having Mark's parents show some concern for him leaving at such a young age.... heh, it's a personal peeve of mine how they go off at such a young age, I highly doubt that would happen if the world waas actually real, it's not that safe out.
ok, I think that's all I have to say. omg i typed alot. hope you don't mind!
and I'm so glad you're continuing htis! too many good fics simply stop... *sigh* im waiting for some to continue again at the pokemon elite forums.
well have a better day then I will, and please explain if I did anything wrong!
~moi, a brand-new "n00bie"