The Reality of Willpower (PG)

[Finch.]

The Reality of Willpower
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PM list:
sam40400
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Intro Crap:

Hey there, this is my first fan fic, but don't let that deter you, I'll still do my best, and all that. Well, I'll probably edit this first post with a banner at the top...if I ever get one...but..on with the show!

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Rated PG

Prologue:

Job wasn’t a very normal kid. He was a descendant of a family of aristocrats, and they were rolling in money. He was never seriously interested in pokemon, mainly just in textbooks, and then, he carefully turned the pages of books about Pokemon, for fear he would get his fingers dirty. He had a few pokemon, but he had a handler to take care of them. He was also a kiss-up, around his mother and father, he was a respectful angel, but around his sister, he was a monster, he was always ordering the servants around, and making fun of his sister.


In a small cave in the center of Lake Verity, a Mesprit was re-born, with all the knowledge of her mothers before her, she was now a part of the endless system that the lake trio had. Her brothers all reproduced in different ways, from Azelf starving itself for a month to prepare to be re-born, to Uxie making an alter with all of his secrets of intelligence all marked down in a secret language, and igniting it. Mesprit simply had to have her image stolen, by that I mean, someone would have to photograph her, and she would instantly disappear. She could also be re-born when she was captured, and the capturer didn’t intend to release her.


That was how a tradition started for Job’s family. They had a family bible (it was fashionable at the time it was purchased) with notes in dark red ink, neatly written sideways on the epty parts of the page. “Mesprit disappears when it’s picture is taken! 9-23-45” and “Mesprit are re-born, they are all one creature, but each one gains more knowledge, and, as the legend states, each one has more potent willpower! 10-26-45 "

These were fascinating facts that a trainer would love to know, but Job didn’t care. He didn’t even know who wrote them, and he only read stuffy textbooks and avoided the literature that most people enjoyed reading. He honestly thought of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings as rubbish, in the strongest sense of the word, as he liked to say. But, all of that would change; he would grow, mature, and become stronger on this journey, the journey to capture Mesprit.
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Helpful critiques and comments are welcome, I would love to improve!

 

[Grey Wind]

Silly didn't change the name

It's very good for a first try. The idea, while slightly odd, is intruiging. Keep it up, but I'll have to read more before I can properly critique it.

 

[Finch.]

Thank you ~Sapphire Sceptile~, I really appreciate it.

 

[Under Estimate]

Nice! I like it I can't think of anything else to say about right now...

 

[Finch.]

Err, you're new...

But, you should also mention what you don't like, and how I can improve, or it could be considered spam.

 

[FieryLucario]

It was good, but if you want to improve try making your chapters a little bit longer

 

[Finch.]

*laughs*

I think you need to read the bolded part, it's a prologue.

 

[FieryLucario]

I did but it's still kinda short

 

[Finch.]

Alrighty, I know the minimum, I'll follow the rules, you know.

 

[not_girly_girl]

its ok, but relly try to giv it lik slightly mor detail about his fam. nd expand on how his jurney on catching mespirit, btw, i think the legendary trio r all girls, cuz guys r faqs no offense xD(wel full offense to ppl tht dont kno me), oh yeah nd u told me about his pokemon but put his pokemons here too

 

[sam40400]

I guess its ok. Well, it's kinda short, even for a prologue, try to characterize the people more, talk about Job's house, his daily activities etc. but seeing this is a prologue, it's ok to not use those for now, but like, try to put in a lot of stuff in the first chapter, and also, why he wants to search for mespirit, he can't just have a magical change of heart that makes him like pokemon =\(yah ik wat ur saying, wat is this? english class?) well yah thats lik a 3/5.
edit; oh and btw, disregard my subheading >_>

 

[Finch.]

Eh, he's going to be forced to, you know how he's a kiss-up? Well, his parents think he's a great trainer, and all that...

Yes, I'm going to make sure I characterize the family more, and all that next chapter, don't worry!

...err, do you guys think I need a PM list? (I PM people that ask to be on the list when a new chapter is up)

 

[VS]

You should have a pm list and...
I think it was a great beginning and sounds like a character that will change. Amazing first job and better than some veteran fic righters dont have things as good at this

 

[Finch.]

Eh, if you had no idea who I was, would you say that? O_O

I think that you guys might want to read the rules before reviewing, I don't want newbies getting in trouble..

 

[Antithesis]

Before I get started: the shorter something is, the better it has to be. Saying “it’s just a prologue” doesn’t excuse the fact that this is a really forgettable beginning, and the short length of it, in this case, doesn’t help things.

He was never seriously interested in pokemon, mainly just in textbooks, and then, he carefully turned the pages of books about Pokemon, for fear he would get his fingers dirty. He had a few pokemon, but he had a handler to take care of them. He was also a kiss-up, around his mother and father, he was a respectful angel, but around his sister, he was a monster, he was always ordering the servants around, and making fun of his sister.

You really seem to love commas. If you structured the sentences better this could be excused, but in your situation it just seems like run on sentence after run on sentence. Every sentence in this paragraph sounds really awkward: read them to yourself and you’ll be able to see what I’m talking about. You also seem to re-state things without noticing: obviously if he’s a kiss-up, he’ll be a respectful angel in front of his parents. Obviously if he’s a monster in front of his sister, he’ll be making fun of her. It isn’t really something that needs to be said twice.

In a small cave in the center of Lake Verity, a Mesprit was re-born, with all the knowledge of her mothers before her, she was now a part of the endless system that the lake trio had. Her brothers all reproduced in different ways, from Azelf starving itself for a month to prepare to be re-born, to Uxie making an alter with all of his secrets of intelligence all marked down in a secret language, and igniting it. Mesprit simply had to have her image stolen, by that I mean, someone would have to photograph her, and she would instantly disappear. She could also be re-born when she was captured, and the capturer didn’t intend to release her.

No transitition whatsoever aside from the spacing. This could have come from a completely different fic. Having to say “by that I mean” completely takes you away from the story and makes it obvious you’re reading a fan fiction. It also makes it seem like you haven’t explained it properly and need to basically jump out of the story to clarify things. By the way...Mesprit are genderless. Same with Azelf. Not a huge deal, though, just something worth pointing out.

That was how a tradition started for Job’s family. They had a family bible (it was fashionable at the time it was purchased) with notes in dark red ink, neatly written sideways on the epty parts of the page. “Mesprit disappears when it’s picture is taken! 9-23-45” and “Mesprit are re-born, they are all one creature, but each one gains more knowledge, and, as the legend states, each one has more potent willpower! 10-26-45 "

Again, no transition. Think of it this way: you’re watching a really, really funny movie. In one scene a dude gets hit in the face with an egg, and in the next scene you’re watching Hostel in Russian. In the next scene it’s back to the egg hijinks.

These were fascinating facts that a trainer would love to know, but Job didn’t care. He didn’t even know who wrote them, and he only read stuffy textbooks and avoided the literature that most people enjoyed reading. He honestly thought of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings as rubbish, in the strongest sense of the word, as he liked to say. But, all of that would change; he would grow, mature, and become stronger on this journey, the journey to capture Mesprit.

You should never have to tell us what will happen by the end of this. That’s the whole point of reading, to see where the plot goes and how the characters develop. Since you brought up Harry Potter: J.K. Rowling didn’t introduce us to Snape by saying “Don’t worry, though, at the end you’ll find out he was a good guy all along.” It ruins the interest in seeing how the character is going to develop. By the way, the passage you quoted seems like something what would be in a stuffy textbook, so aside from it being about Pokemon it seems like something Job would have at least some interest in.

Some positives: It is kind of interesting to be reading about someone who isn’t that fond of Pokemon. It’s been done before, though, so you’re going to need to make it into something special if you want people to be interested. The Mesprit stuff could be interesting as well, but you only gave a few sentences of exposition about it, so there isn’t that much to say about it. From what I can see you have a decent grasp on grammar and spelling, so there isn’t really a need to get into that.