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The Redemption of the Holders

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by hailflameblast, Aug 8, 2009.

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  1. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Rated PG-13, since that's the rating of PokeSpecial manga.

    People, PLEASE read the first post before going to the latest chapters. I have the plot outlined now. I apologize to any reviewer I might have been harsh to, as when I started this fic, I didn't know what kind of reviewers were here on Serebiiforums. Please continue to review.

    P.S Could someone PLEASE tell me how to link to a post?



    Calm Pokemaster
    Eon Master
    legandlover989
    Pokemon fitness


    Prologue
    6 months ago
    The last turquoise haired-grunt's Pokemon fainted. The man retrieved his grey-coloured cat Pokemon which had a springlike tail and then ran .... into Looker, the International Police officer who handcuffed him with the help of his Croagunk. The officer had black hair and wore a brown shirt and brown pants. His eyes were filled with enthusiasm as he had been one of the major people been the defeating of Team Galactic at Stark Mountain.

    Gold yelled out in joy, "We brought them down!".He was ecstatic on having proved to the world that he could be a superhero. He began to dream of girls whom he hoped would go out with him.....

    Diamond had a worried expression on his face and said,"Everyone something is wrong.....". He heard a sort of whooshing noise, which reminded him of comets and alien spaceships from Proteinman Omega, his favourite TV show. The comets had brought aliens from outer space who had nearly defeated Proteinman Omega.

    Crystal agreed and then shrieked when she saw it.

    This brought the other twelve Pokedex holder's to what she was staring at. They were all shocked and could barely move. Yellow began to cling to Red, as her teeth began to chatter. Sapphire did the same thing with Ruby.

    The giant meteorite speeding towards them was an ominous thing to gaze at. Green made some quick calculations and realized the meteorite would reach them in 5 minutes. On announcing his discovery, the other twelve began to panic. They wondered if there would there be anywhere safe on the Battle Zone where they could escape the meteorite. However they calmed down in 15 seconds.

    Red jumped onto Aero, the prehistoric Pokemon Aerodactyl who was grey in colour, resembling a flying dinosaur, while Green did the same with his Charizard, which was a Pokemon that resembled an orange coloured dragon who had a flame on its tail. Yellow had Freesk the Butterfree, a butterfly-like Pokemon who had a purple body and white wings which had stripes on them lift her while Silver tossed a Dusk stone to Murkrow, a crow-like Pokemon with a hatlike structure who had red gems for eyes, It evolved before lifting him. Its body had grown larger and the beak had expanded. It had larger wings and now had a larger hat. Honchkrow called out its name. Gold and Emerald were comfortable with their Mantine, white coloured Pokemon that had wings which were bordered with a line of blue and Crys managed with Tupeon, her Xatu, which was a birdlike Pokemon that had short wings which were white, an upright green-coloured body and wise eyes. Diamond, Pearl and Platinum used the Drifblim which Fantina had lent Diamond a while ago. It was a fat purple balloon shaped Pokemon that had an 'X' pattern on its face.Luckily for them, there was a wind blowing towards Snowpoint City. Blue had Turtley, her Blastoise, a turtle-like Pokemon which had cannons above the openings for its arms, blast off by spurting water from its cannons.

    Pearl with a serious look on his face asked Green," How much time will it take us to reach Snowpoint?" Green paused and after thinking carefully, replied, "We can escape from the Battle Zone but about reaching Snowpoint city...... I have no idea".

    "WHAT!" screamed the others. " How come you can't judge the distance?"

    "Look, this IS the first time I've come to Sinnoh, so I have no idea about distances." replied the green-eyed boy.

    "What happened to Looker?" enquired Platinum.

    "Its right heeeeeeeeere" said Diamond, pulling out a Premium Cooker from his bag.

    "She said Looker, NOT COOKER!" yelled Pearl, slapping Diamond. The others watched on speechless, then burst out laughing. Even Crystal and Green couldn't stop laughing.

    "Hahahahahhaha! That was priceless, I tell you. Even Super-Serious Gal's laughing! That is SOOOOOO rare! You guys are brilliant!" exclaimed Gold.

    "Hey I do laugh!" yelled Crystal.

    "No you don't" said Gold and Emerald together, which they realized and began laughing over.

    In a few minutes Crystal was squabbling with Gold over his misbehaviour and was admonishing Emerald for acting like Gold.

    Just then the meteorite struck the Battle Zone which they had just left behind, creating tremors in the area. However, a dark being was soon seen coming from Snowpoint.

    Without hesitation it summoned up energy close to itself and multiplied the ball of energy many times before firing it at the flying trainers. They didn't know what hit them. Falling into a trance, they were spirited away by the dark being which headed towards its home.

    It knew its job. It must not let them escape and was to wait for its instructions. Somewhere else, a single eye opened from under the white cloth covering its body, a single eye from a being that had died twice, yet had been resurrected again by its loyal minions. It knew not that its plans would be ruined by two teenagers setting off on their journey after half a year......
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2009
  2. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Well.... I was struck by inspiration immediately so..... here's Chapter 1. I haven't typed this stuff onto Word at all, so it might be short. But the main thing is that it should(hopefully) end on a cliffhanger.

    Chapter 1
    The Journey Begins
    Topaz was busy looking through his cupboard. He had to pack exactly the right things for his fairly long journey to collect all the Gym badges in Sinnoh. He had already travelled around Sinnoh on his quest to capture every Pokemon 2 years ago, but now he wanted to get the Gym badges. He had packed up his clothes and was considering the Pokemon he would use for the journey.

    His thoughts were interrupted by his mother who called him. She said,"Topaz, would you mind checking if the garden needs weeding?".

    Topaz replied,"No problem Mom" and went out to the garden to check the weeds. They wouldn't pose a problem now, but they definitely needed to be cut before tomorrow. Topaz shouted to his mother from the garden,"Yes, Mom! They need weeding!".

    His mother told him," I'll manage with Rotom dear. Now you really should pack.".

    Topaz smiled and said," Yeah Mom, I really should be packing".
    He went back into the house and packed up his clothes. He wondered what Pokemon he ought to take. It would be simple if he took his strongest Pokemon, but he wanted to challenge himself. So after some deliberation, he picked out Riolu,Bronzor,Phanpy and Magikarp. As an afterthought, he picked out two more Pokemon which were purely for emergencies. He placed them in their respective Pokeballs. and set off onn his journey after bidding his mother goodbye.

    Just as he was about to leave Twinleaf Town, a girl ran up to him with a letter. Topaz realized that it had to be Amethyst, who was well known in the area as the famous daughter of Professor Teak who had just shifted to Twinleaf town. While the Berlitzes commanded a lot of respect, her family commanded just as much respect in the small town. She was holding a bag just like him.

    She gave him the letter.

    Topaz, on reading it, was shocked. Since when had he been so famous as to be given such a job? On second thoughts, he supposed people respected him as he had caught every Pokemon, including the legendaries. He had often been compared to Crystal, the legendary Pokedex holder who was famous for her catching skills.

    He just looked up at Amethyst and said, " Alright I agree.".

    This made her go into a series of squeals and jumps. Topaz had just agreed to her father's request that Topaz travel with her through Sinnoh and mentor her into becoming a great trainer and if possible, tutor her for wiining gym badges. Topaz didn't bother too much about the job he had just accepted.

    After all, he was going to travel through Sinnoh for his badges too so he saw no harm in tutoring her too. Topaz set off, and Amethyst was following. They were passing through Route 201 when suddenly, they saw someone tossing a burning matchstick into the grass. In seconds, they whole grassy route was ablaze. Topaz's insticts kicked in. He knew he had to stop the fire. He turned around to look at Amethyst. He remembered the last line of the letter clearly.
    Could you also give her her first Pokemon?
    He began to tinker with the device he wore on his right hand and after a few seconds, tossed Amethyst not one, but six Pokeballs which came out of the device he was wearing. Catching all of them, she sent them out. Chimchar,Piplup,Turtwig,Starly,Shinx and Scyther all popped out."Amethyst just do as I say" requested Topaz. "Just get Chimchar to charge into the fire and rescue any Pokemon trapped over there". Her voice unsteady, she commanded the fire monkey to do so. As Chimchar rushed in, a branch broke off a tree and begin to fall on Amethyst......
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    End of Chapter 1. Yeah, I know not too many people will guess what fandom mixes with Pokemon in this manga fanfic(Yeah, you could call this the T/A arc lol). Please review!
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2009
  3. SBaby

    SBaby Dungeon Master

    I'm not an expert at reviewing, so there are undoubtedly things that I won't be covering. But I want to try my hand at this.

    First off, your signature is ironic. Nothing to do with the review, but I just wanted to point that out. Not a bad thing. I'm a fan of irony.


    Anyway, you need to learn the fine art of paragraphing. It is very necessary and can make any Fic look a heck of alot better with just a couple button presses and spaces between ideas. It is very difficult for people to read a text blurb that has no paragraph structure. Ideally, you want a new paragraph for each line spoken by a different person.

    In addition, it looks cleaner for the dialogue to precede the character who spoke it. Here's an example using part of your Fic, since I can't tell someone how to do something to save my life. I italicized it so you could tell your stuff from mine.


    Topaz was busy looking through his cupboard. He had to pack exactly the right things for his fairly long journey to collect all the Gym badges in Sinnoh. He had already travelled around Sinnoh on his quest to capture every Pokemon 2 years ago, but now he wanted to get the Gym badges. He had packed up his clothes and was considering the Pokemon he would use for the journey. His thoughts were interrupted by his mother who called him.

    "Topaz, would you mind checking if the garden needs weeding?" she said.

    "No problem Mom" Topaz said as he went out to the garden to check the weeds. They wouldn't pose a problem now, but they definitely needed to be cut before tomorrow.

    "Yes, Mom! They need weeding!" Topaz shouted from the flowerbed.

    "I'll manage with Rotom dear!" his mother said from the house. "Now you really should pack.".



    The last one is special. When you have dialogue with multiple sentences, you can do what I call an in-betweener. I am horrible at remembering English terminology, but I do know this is done in books, and it makes stories look alot better.


    Topaz closed his eyes and gave a submissive smile.

    "Yeah Mom, I really should be packing," he said as he went back into the house and packed up his clothes. He wondered what Pokemon he ought to take. It would be simple if he took his strongest Pokemon, but he wanted to challenge himself. So after some deliberation, he picked out Riolu, Bronzor, Phanpy and Magikarp.



    Second, the posts are quite short, shorter than chapters are supposed to be, in any media. You want to have at least three Word pages of Fic in each chapter. In other words, put it on Word and keep working on it until it takes three full Word pages. I'm not trying to be a rule monger, but you really need to read the rules and look at a few Fics to get an idea of what typical Fics look like here. Believe me, it is really helpful.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2009
  4. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    thanks a lot. They were really only introductory chapters so it figures.Also SBaby, you probably know what fandom this fic combines with Pokemon now, so guess it and win a cookie. I'm going to start on Chapter 2 soon.
    Hint: Which fandom does the alien in my sig come from?
     
  5. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Ok Chapter 2. BTW I combined Pokemon aaaaaaand........ Ben 10!
    Fine. Read the chapter and let me know what you think.


    Chapter 2
    The Grassland Ablaze
    Amethyst was shocked. She could do nothing but stare at the falling branch above her. It was getting closer to her head. She thought she was going to get a big clout from the branch. Her feet rooted to the spot in fear, she could not move an inch to escape from the branch.

    “It’s all over” she thought.

    Topaz sensed the urgency of the situation. His instinct was to grab her and pull her away, but he knew how embarrassed it would leave them. He set upon what he felt was the best course of action.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, a green faerie appeared and caught the branch. Topaz was relieved that the branch hadn’t knocked her out as he intended to start teaching her from that moment. He saw Chimchar carrying a Bidoof which it was trying to rescue. It jumped and bounced off a tree, trying to gain enough height to get Bidoof out of the circle of fire which was closing in on the Bidoof family trapped in the centre. Acting quickly, the Celebi used Heal Bell to cure the Bidoof of their burns while Topaz’s Riolu got through the circle of fire by using Blaze Kick to gain height. Amethyst, now having regained confidence ordered Starly to take the Bidoof Chimchar was holding to safety. Celebi dropped the now burning branch in the fire.

    Topaz rummaged in his bag and tossed a red device to Amethyst who caught. To her surprise, it was a completed Pokedex.

    Topaz said while smiling, ”Go ahead, refer to it to find your Pokemon’s moves”. Amethyst was in a state of surprise. She guessed from the design that a professor had not made it. She referred to it and commanded her Pokemon.

    “Piplup, use Water Pulse to put out the fire! Chimchar, pass along the Bidoof to Starly!” she commanded. Topaz watched and began commanding his Pokemon.

    “Bronzor, use Hypnosis to hypnotize the Bidoof into coming close to Chimchar. Riolu, enter and exit the circle of fire by using Hi Jump Kick while rescuing the Bidoof. Phanpy, start tackling the trees which aren’t burned.

    Amethyst remarked, “We could use some help over here.” Topaz replied,” Why don’t you use Shinx’s Signal Beam to flash for help? Personally, you should use Turtwig to help Phanpy. Scyther can help too.”
    Amethyst ordered Turtwig to tackle the tree along with Phanpy and Shinx to flash for help.

    Topaz yelled, “NO! Check your pokedex!”

    Amethyst checked it and commanded Turtwig to use Earth Power to rip the trees and Scyther to use Slash to cut some of the trees. Topaz’s plan worked. The Bidoof escaped by scurrying along the fallen trees before they started burning.

    All except one.

    The last Bidoof wouldn’t leave its parents, a pair of Bibarel who had been burnt a few seconds before. Thinking quickly, he sent out Magikarp.

    “Magikarp?” Amethyst questioned.

    “Yeah” Topaz grinned. He had Magikarp stand on the heated branches for a minute and then ordered it to go into the bushes.

    “What was THAT for?” she asked.

    “You’ll see” he replied.

    Topaz had Riolu hold Magikarp and leap into the flame circle, which had nearly closed in on the 3 Beaver pokemon.

    Topaz ordered, “Magikarp, use Flail to get the 2 Bibarel and the Bidoof out of there!”.

    Magikarp flailed and took them out of the fire circle. Suddenly it began glowing white.

    Amethyst enquired, ”Is it evolving?”.

    Topaz replied, “It sure is”.

    They watched as the red fish began to elongate into a blue sea serpent. Topaz immediately placed a disc on its head and after a flash, ordered it to use its latest move.

    Gyarados began to shake a bit. Then, with enough power to climb a waterfall, it crashed into the burning trees while emitting water from its mouth. The 2 trainers waited with bated breath as both hoped what Gyarados had done would work

    It did.

    The fire was out.

    Topaz just fell to his feet. He began to roll back his right sleeve. Amethyst was watching him without him knowing it. Suddenly she shouted out loud.

    “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?” she yelled. Topaz just looked blankly at her. He then realized that she must have noticed the slight burn on his arm.

    “It’s nothing, please. I’m being honest. No, seriously its nothing.” He said as Amethyst tried to look at it close up.

    He stretched his sleeve and ran. He didn’t feel like treating it in front of her. He knew she felt guilty about not having noticed it.

    But he was scared.

    He was afraid to show the burn because he hated making anyone feel guilty when it was not their fault. He knew Amethyst would want to know all about the wound.

    She would then find out the truth.

    When Celebi dropped the burning branch, his sleeve had been rolled up. A single spark had caused the burn. She would probably blame herself for not escaping from the branch. After all, he had found out a bit about her when Professor Teak had arrived.

    Topaz opened his bag and took out the ointment for burns. He applied a bit of it on the burn and then he felt much better.

    He went back to Amethyst and asked her something important.

    “Amethyst, this seems a nice spot to stop for today. Why don’t we have dinner and just go to sleep.” asked Topaz.

    Amethyst replied in the affirmative and Topaz started collecting berries for their dinner. He decided that the best thing to do was to make something with the local berries available.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Yeah, a bit of a bland end. I think things will soon start speeding up.
     
  6. Calm PokeMaster

    Calm PokeMaster Well-Known Member

    So far,so good.Just make sure you improve the endings a bit.Thats all.

    How many chapters are you going to do?Remember,plan long-term for the story to click.
     
  7. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Chapter 2 is here!

    Yes folks, Chapter 3 is here! Shocking turn of events here as we finally see the mysterious.... nah, I won't spoil it for you.

    Chapter 3
    Training Begins
    Topaz wondered what he ought to cook. Should he make crushed Berry Juice salad or roast berry grill? On second thoughts, he remembered that most of the berries in the grassland had been roasted. He thought this would cut out his work. All he had to do was to grill them, which took half an hour.

    He also wondered about the feeling he felt during the forest fire.

    It wasn’t pain caused by the burn or a sensation of thirst or even stuffiness caused by the heat.

    It was something else.

    It was a tingling sensation, which probably meant only one thing, either CC or Ghostfreak was after him.

    He shook his head remembering that he had to ensure the berries didn’t get burnt. After preparing the tasty roast berry grill, he just went and placed a plate next to Amethyst’s tent and went back for his dinner. He guessed she was sulking. He hoped that she would find the note he placed with the plate. It stated that her training started tomorrow.

    He sat down and ate his dinner. He was feeling happy, for he knew they would reach Sandgem Town by noon tomorrow, as long as they started before 8.30 AM.

    He pitched his own tent and went to sleep. Amethyst went to sleep. They both dreamt of different things.

    He had got all the Gym Badges and was sailing towards NewMoon Island. Now he could recapture his crazed Darkrai who had destroyed the Ultra Ball it had been caught in earlier. There he saw something rather odd. IT WAS CC! CC challenged him to the battle which would end their enmity. He started it with his favorite trick, a barrage of crystals..........

    She stood proudly before her parents, showing all her badges. Her parents, proud of her, praised her heavily for her confidence, determination and skill. When she ran off to find Topaz and thank him however, she found him sitting by the pond at the south of Twinleaf Town. When she started speaking, suddenly, a dark figure rose out of nowhere and started gathering energy………

    Both woke up the next morning at different times panting and breathing heavily. Topaz, the early riser, had woken up at 5.15 AM while Amethyst rose from her bed at 6.00 AM. As a result, by the time Amethyst had woken up, Topaz had finished his bath and was juggling his Pokeballs to kill some time.

    Amethyst sent her Pokemon out and asked to start training till she was done bathing. Topaz said it was no problem and started teaching her six Pokemon about their basic techniques of dodging. It was no wonder that they listened without making noise as they had originally been Topaz’s Pokemon before they became Amethyst’s starters.

    They trained until 7.30 AM, when they packed up and set off for Sandgem town. They made good time and reached there at 10 o’ clock. They had breakfast before Amethyst decided to go to the beach.

    “I want to go to the beach.” insisted Amethyst.

    “What about training? Why don’t you keep your visit to the beach for later in the afternoon?” replied Topaz.

    Amethyst was being stubborn, so Topaz gave in. But he made a request.

    “Could you leave your Pokemon here? I’ll take them to the beach later. I thought they ought to start practicing the various dodging techniques I taught them yesterday.” asked Topaz.

    Amethyst agreed for the deal. She ran off to the beach.

    Meanwhile, Topaz started the basic practice lessons.

    “Alright Starly, You have to try and hit Riolu with Wing Attack.” said Topaz. ”Riolu you must jump and dodge.”

    The practice started. Starly charged in at its top speed and wings were glowing white. It was getting closer and closer to Riolu who was just standing on the same spot. It moved ever closer, reckless in its charge but-

    It fell down, feeling scorched. It could here Topaz saying something.

    “Pretty good try, but this is what I wanted to teach you. You can’t just charge in and expect to land a hit all the time unless you are relying on stuff like Aerial Ace. In case you are wondering, Riolu dodged and pulled off a Blaze Kick. Anyway, you and the others should take turns with my Pokemon” said Topaz.

    When Amethyst returned after a few hours, she had a great shock.

    For, standing right in front of her were all her pokemon who had ALL evolved.

    She stood there dumbfounded. Racing towards her were Monferno, Grotle, Prinplup, Luxio, Staravia and Scizor. Grinning in the background were Topaz, Lucario, Phanpy and Gyarados.

    Amethyst just managed to ask one thing. “How did you do it.?”

    Topaz laughed saying that it wasn’t a problem as they all evolved early.

    Amethyst repeated her question while looking at Scizor. Topaz quickly put on an embarrassed smile and said that he had no idea. When she turned around, Topaz and Scizor winked at each other.

    Topaz said, ”Amethyst, take the Pokemon to the beach if you want to. I uh, have to meet Professor Rowan.”. He realized that he wasn’t doing a very good job at pretending it had nothing to do with Scizor.

    He turned around and ran to Professor Rowan’s lab.

    Amethyst looked at his retreating figure with an enquiring look and stared at Scizor. Scizor, on realizing this began to stare hard in another direction, as it didn’t dare to look at its trainer’s eyes. That would give the game away.

    Topaz on reaching the lab, rang the doorbell and waited.

    On seeing who opened the door, he got a nasty shock

    It was a boy, who didn’t look far from being identical to him. But Topaz’s hands began to stiffen. He knew fully well who the boy truly was.

    It was CC.

    CC started their fight with a barrage of crystals. Topaz fumbled with his shirt and a button being pressed could be heard. A countdown began.

    5…….

    “Well, hello Topaz.

    4…….

    “Same to you, CC.

    3…….

    “Trying to send me to the Null Void, eh?”

    2…….
    “Too bad for you, you won’t be escaping from that place anytime soon.”

    1…….
    “Says you, you are coming with me.”

    “Sorry, CC I’ll get out of there easily.”

    The Null Void projector was activated. CC was pulled into the alternate dimension but he yanked Topaz in with him. Both were pulled into the swirling vortex and entered the Null Void…….…….…….
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2009
  8. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    You know reported this thing twice.

    Sadly wish it had been dealt with before 'oh hur I get smart and spend a bit more time on writing crap' :/

    FANFICTION RULES
    ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS
    SIGNATURE RULES

    Those are the names of three threads you need to read.


    Ok let me get this straight, she was in a forest fire, but, it wasn't the pain from being burned alive. Or of getting dehydrated and wanting water from the VERY DRY VERY HOT AIR A FOREST FIRE HAS. OR ANY FIRE LOL.

    But a tingling sensation caused by these supposed 'CC' or 'Ghostfreak' people?

    Alright so what is she Superman spliced with Spiderman?

    MAH SPIDER SENSES TINGLE! I IGNORE THE FACT I'M NAKED THANKS TO THAT FOREST FIRE THAT SPRANG TO LIFE AROUND ME! AH THE BREEZE IS REFRESHING ON MY PRIVATES.


    Yeeeaaaaaah.....


    How about this. Instead of listing everything off description, actions, emotions and etc, you try to string them along in the way that a story has to be worded, by SHOWING US WHAT HAPPENS. By writing it in such a way that when we read it, we aren't TOLD, we are SHOWN.

    Your character is a blatant Sue.

    You could have actually gone into detail about how this little sue was being praised by her parents, how proud she was, being boastful and all that crappy story and character filler crap, then gone off to find Topaz and then you know OMG DARK FIGURE OHNOEZ WHOENOEZ.

    But no you didn't. You just flat out list this is what happened and this than this.


    Who what, who woke up what? Is she sleeping with someone what?

    I'm confused.

    Basically, this whole thing is confusing. And riddled with just, BAD FIC ITUS. But not the 'good' bad fic itus, just this is bad. All of it. From your first post, to this.

    Go read the threads I mentioned. Go read some books. Go take the MARY SUE LIMITUS TEST. GOOGLE IT OR USE ANY SEARCH ENGINE. USE IT- after reading the rules on how to use it.

    Go read some books. Read some pokemon stories here.

    Work on description, pacing, detail, depth, character depth/detail/emotion.

    And if you aren't using a writing program. GET ONE NOW. EVEN NOTEPAD.
     
  9. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Hah, hopefully this will send my fanfic back to page 1.

    Chapter 4
    In together, out alone

    On landing in the Null Void, Topaz instantly got ready to battle. He fired off a series of spines at CC, who promptly burnt them with a simple snap.

    “That’s beginner’s stuff you know” smirked CC.

    “Well, you ARE one” taunted Topaz.

    His blood boiling, CC jumped at Topaz. But, as they say, anger doesn’t get anyone anywhere, and Topaz just jumped out of the way and smashed CC’s Null Void projector which was in his hand.

    “You, you filthy scumbag. Now we’ll never get out of here!” yelled CC.

    “I don’t care.” replied Topaz. “I can escape if I want to.”

    He opened the rift to cyberspace while keeping an eye on CC who was being pinned by the Null Guardians.

    Null Guardians were the beasts who managed the aliens banished to the Null Void. They were in charge of maintaining peace in that alternate dimension. They were grey creatures with wings and instead of hands and legs had tentacles. They looked fierce, but they only attacked villains. Their sole weakness was that they could be controlled by the proboscis-like structures on their necks. However, nobody dared to go near a Null Guardian’s head as they would be trapped by the spikes which they fired from their forehead in self-defense.

    At the moment however, Topaz wasn’t bothered about them. He converted himself into pure data and entered cyberspace and looked for what he seeked.

    He saw it.

    The rift which led to Earth.

    Speeding through the rift, he converted himself into his normal human form.

    He chuckled. This was child’s play for him. However, he knew that he must not let Amethyst know that there was more to him than what met the eye.

    He walked casually to Professor Rowan’s lab and saw Amethyst inside. She was trying to untie him from his chair.

    He walked in and had Gyarados cut the Professor’s ropes with Bite. The Professor immediately began thanking him and started cursing about CC. Topaz wrote what he wanted to tell him about Scizor on a piece of paper and handed it to him. It obviously wouldn’t do to say it in front of Amethyst as she would faint on hearing it.

    Topaz and Amethyst set off from Sandgem Town for their next destination, Jubilife City. Amethyst kept throwing quizzical looks at him. He could see her repeatedly mouthing the words ‘Where was he?”. He just smiled and raced off with Amethyst chasing him.

    He thought about a trick to play on her.

    Hmm… should I try out a Pokemon attack? Yes, that’s it! I’ll get Lucario to carry her to Jubilife with Extremespeed. I’d like to see the expression on her face.

    Whispering to Lucario who was in its Pokeball, he explained the plan. Lucario nodded, grinning widely.

    He sent Lucario out of its ball, and it promptly carried her off. She could be heard screaming out for help. He pretended to be heroic, and retrieved Lucario. However, she seemed too shaken to realize what he just did.

    Disorientated, she began to yell and run around in circles without a clue about what she was doing. She calmed down after tripping over a root and began to look around.

    “Where am I?” she asked Topaz.

    “Outside Jubilife City” replied Topaz, trying to keep his face straight. ”Lucario carried you here with Extremespeed.

    She muttered about wanting to go somewhere and ran off. Topaz couldn’t control his laughter. He sat on the ground and laughed for 2 whole minutes. He then got up entered Jubilife City and saw Amethyst running into the Trainer’s school. He decided to wait outside for her to finish what he was doing and try solving his Rubik’s cube.

    He was busy with the cube for an hour and then put it back in his bag. He walked into the Trainer’s School wondering what Amethyst was doing and then his jaw fell.

    Amethyst was showing off her Pokemon’s moves to everyone. She was stumped however, when the teacher asked her how her Pokemon knew those moves. The teacher elaborated that normally, the Pokemon she had with her would not know those moves.

    Amethyst was completely shocked. She had never bothered to find out from Topaz how Grotle knew Earth Power and Seed Bomb, how Monferno knew ThunderPunch and Grass Knot, how Prinplup knew Grass Knot and Signal Beam, how Luxio knew Fire Fang, Ice Fang, Signal Beam and Superpower, how Staravia knew Pursuit and U-turn and how Scizor knew Superpower and Reversal. But what could she say now?

    Topaz came to her rescue. Introducing himself, he began to talk about egg moves and how he had given these Pokemon to her. He explained that some of the moves came from TM’s, some from egg moves and others from Move Tutors.

    When he finished, there was loud applause in the Trainer’s School. When he went out, the teacher explained to him that she was about to take a lesson on TM’s, egg moves and the Move Tutors. She had been worried that the students would ask her to demonstrate how those moves worked as she did not have access to any of the three. She thanked him saying that he and Amethyst had given the students a demonstration of how they worked. She laughed, saying that her work was now cut out and the students would not need any demonstrations from her to understand.

    Topaz reminisced on the Pokemon he had raised. They had mostly known special moves. He walked forward and suddenly announced that training had started. Amethyst instantly became enthusiastic and started ordering her Pokemon to pull off their special moves.

    However, Grotle’s Earth Power tore out the foundations of a building which was being constructed.

    Topaz tensed up and ordered Gyarados to use Waterfall and the Atrocious Pokemon immediately charged into the foundations and sent them crashing back to the ground.

    To protect the older workers from the falling beams, he had Lucario speedily carry them to safety with Extremespeed.

    The workers immediately began thanking Topaz and one of them remarked that they had been trying to remove the foundations as they had not been placed properly. Topaz laughed, saying that ripping out the foundations with Earth Power had some use after all.

    He stopped laughing when he saw a group of Diglett racing towards them with anger in their eyes.........
     
  10. Calm PokeMaster

    Calm PokeMaster Well-Known Member

    Yeah,it is coming on well.But when did Riolu evolve into Lucario?
     
  11. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Riolu evolved in Chapter 3, in case you forgot.
     
  12. Rabidmunchlax

    Rabidmunchlax Well-Known Member

    I see that you're mixing pokemon with ben 10. Why? Out of all the possible combos ever, why them?
     
  13. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    I thought it would be funny when you throw GhostFreak into a world which has a LOT of people who are afraid of true ghosts.
    Anyway, I have a good idea about the next chapter. I'll try to write and post it today if I can. Oh yeah, I forgot about printingt a disclaimer with the chapters.
    Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon and Ben 10. Pokemon belongs to Nintendo and Ben 10 belongs to Man of Action Group. I only own the plot.
     
  14. Calm PokeMaster

    Calm PokeMaster Well-Known Member

    ....So you are saying you are NOT a Man of Action.
     
  15. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Sorry guys, but I have*groan* a lot of schoolwork so only expect updates on weekends.
     
  16. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    So let me get this straight- you completely ignore any and all advice I give you. AND you basically admit you either A: do write in the reply box for your chapters. Or B: write it all down in less than a day and post.

    It's called a WRITING PROGRAM; even NOTEPAD will work for this. You write your chapter in it. You let it sit. You then have the time to idle over it, flushing it out, expanding upon an idea. You know actually telling a story instead of listing off rushed material to your.. few readers.



    This could have easily been flushed out, better detailed and allowed us to SEE what was happening and etc, instead of oh Topaz daydreamed before deciding LETS ALL BATTLE AND TRAIN.

    And I bet you mean Special in the SPECHUL way don't you .. sigh poor gary stu.


    AGAIN. LISTY. HOW did it do this; HOW did it happen. WHY. WHO. WHAT. WHERE. WHEN. SHOW us don't just go And lol Dracula ate dinner. Wow.
    Really. Atrocious Pokemon, is it's description? Wow. Epic man. I can really see it, a disgustingly disgusting, eyesore that's so atrocious my eyes explodes, attacks with a hundred foot waterfall, obliterating the building and killing everyone in it and everyone around it.
     
  17. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Ok, now to give my fanfiction a big fat BUMP with a new chapter!

    Chapter 5
    The race across the Route
    “RUN”, yelled Topaz.

    Amethyst gaped at him until she saw the Diglett. She began to run alongside Topaz, who was looking at her worriedly.

    “Should I send out Lucario to carry you to Oreburgh?” enquired the running boy. The girl replied in the negative and she finally soaked in what the boy running alongside her looked like.

    He was quite handsome and his arms showed the slightest traces of muscles. His legs were athletic and were quite thin, yet strong. He was about three inches taller than her. His hair was jet-black and so were his eyes. They had a piercing stare and she felt they were hypnotizing.

    She started panting and the boy fumbled with his Pokeballs. However, in those precious seconds, the Diglett tripped up the girl. She would have fallen, but she felt a strong hand grasp her own and pull her up.

    Topaz began to think. He took a detour and turned himself into a humanoid creature with wheels for legs. A tail erupted out of his back and his body turned black. Blue stripes appeared on his body and a helmet-like structure began covering his face. Claws grew out of and covered his fingers. A visor appeared on it and he was all set.

    He had finished his transformation into a Kineceleran.

    He raced towards Amethyst and pulled her towards him. She jumped out of surprise and that was all he needed. Holding her tightly, he made his visor close after figuring out a path to Oreburgh.

    The Diglett were left far behind as he raced down the path. He knew that Amethyst had not seen him when he transformed, but he had to ensure that she would not realize that he WAS the creature taking her to Oreburgh. He raced on and could hear some distinct muttering.

    “Who ….. is…..this…….creature……? Where…..is…….it……..carrying……me?”

    He hid a wide grin with his closed visor. He guessed it would take him another 5 minutes to get to Oreburgh City. He wondered about what he ought to do to ensure Amethyst didn’t put two and two together. Then it struck him.

    He left Amethyst by the Oreburgh Gate. “I’ll go get Topaz. Stay right there.” He instructed.

    It wasn’t necessary though, as a minute after he put her down, she collapsed on the floor in a dead faint.

    Topaz raced back to Jubilife City. He unhooked a Pokeball and threw it into the air.

    A large Pokemon which looked like metal covering a mass of magma appeared. The legendary Heatran had come out of the boy’s Pokeball.

    The boy just leant back on a streetlamp. Heatran opened its mouth and a collection of ball-like energy structures appeared. Heatran fired them at the Diglett who fainted to the super effective hit. Topaz retrieved them and transformed back to his human self. He ran towards Oreburgh Gate, and reached there after a quarter hour of running.

    Panting, he leant on the Oreburgh Gate’s walls to catch his breath. He finally realized what Amethyst looked like.

    She was what most people considered beautiful, and was as graceful as a lady. She was a bit on the thin side but….

    “NO! You don’t need to know what your client looks like. Now revive her and get on with your journey.” his subconscious yelled at him. He decided to listen to it and manged to revive her by creating a racket by getting Bronzor to repeatedly slam into Lucario’s steel extensions on its hands.

    As he expected, she woke up yelling at the awful noise. Topaz retrieved his two Pokemon.

    They ran through the whole of Oreburgh Gate. Unbeknownst to Amethyst, Topaz had slipped on a pair of gloves.

    However, on an island far away from Oreburgh City……..

    Two figures met in an enclosed area. One was as dark as the sky on a new moon night, while the other figure was as white as the full moon. But not for long.

    “Aaaargh, this cloak restrains me from my true potential.’ muttered the second figure.

    The first merely nodded. It had to get back soon. Already the blonde boy and the redheaded boy were showing signs of resistance….

    The second figure stared at the first as though it knew what it was thinking.

    The first quickly raced to the enclosure and summoned up the dark energy and fired it at the blonde and the redhead boys. They quickly collapsed back to the ground and the dark figure sped back to his companion.

    “This is the last straw” muttered the white figure in rasping voice. Claws tore out of his hand. He ripped off his cloak. He exhibited his true look.

    He was grey in colour and had a kind of fold on his “chest”. He pulled it back to reveal black and white striped tentacles which wiggled. They grabbed a leaf and flung it. However his head was the most frightening to look at. The mouth was at the top of the head and was upside down. There was a single eye below the mouth. The pupil was purple, but its centre had a black dot. The remaining part of his eye was black.

    The first figure fell to the ground. It had never crossed its mind that its master was this terrifying. It had assumed that his master had always looked like a single frightening eye which peered through cracks in his “cloak” which covered him.

    However it got up soon. Its master’s plan would benefit him too.

    It would help its master however it could. It would then rule a world……..

    Back at Oreburgh City, Topaz and Amethyst were training. Topaz’s Lucario and Phanpy was racing around and dodging all of Grotle’s Earth Powers. Gyarados was unaffected while Bronzor was protected by Levitate.

    “Aw, I haven’t landed a single hit. How will I beat the Gym Leader?” moaned Amethyst.

    Topaz replied curtly,” You would stand a MUCH better chance if you picked the right spot to send out your Pokemon.

    “I can’t. The ball seems to slip quite often.” she replied.

    “Just wear gloves.” was the reply.

    “All right then.” she said.

    “There’s a change in the rules now. You can have a 6-on-6 battle with the Gym Leader, you know. That’s why I suggest you train all your Pokemon. That way you’ll stand a better chance.” said Topaz.

    However, on Newmoon Island, two figures began plotting……..

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Yes, that's it for Chapter 5. I tried to be a bit decriptive. I wanted to throw in the Gym Battles, but that would fit in with my next chapter. Please rate, review etc. etc.

    P.S. Yami, I appreciate the pains you take, but please, I have you on the Ignore List. I post ONLY after typing out a chapter.(Except for Prologue and CHapter 1 which were MEANT to be short).
     
  18. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Alright the difference between you and me; I put people on my ignore list to mostly try and avoid flame wars. You put me on the ignore list, as you want mindless praise. This pretty much proves you're lying when you say you want;

    Strangely enough I reviewed you. I critiqued you. I told you what to focus on, to improve and how to do it. You flat out admit with what you've done, that you don't want to improve, that you don't strive for anything more than mindless praise.

    So no you don't appreciate the advice I gave you. And I doubt you ever will so I'll allow you to have your play time in your hole.

    I threw you the ropes to climb out of it- not my fault you burned them with napalm.
     
  19. hailflameblast

    hailflameblast I'm coming...

    Chapter 6 is here!

    Yes, Chapter 6 has arrived everyone! We now see a radical change in the gym....

    Chapter 6
    The first battle of the badge


    Topaz and Amethyst stood outside the gym. They gazed upon its exterior.

    “Which one of us should take the gym first, Your Majesty ?” said Topaz, somewhat sarcastically
    taking care to place emphasis on the last word. The reaction was instant.

    Amethyst grew more and more flustered at the thought of being called “Your Majesty”. She was shocked at first, believing Topaz had thought of her as pompous, then thinking that he meant that she was acting like a spoilt brat, finally realizing that he was probably following her father’s instructions.

    In the letter.

    He had probably written that he wanted him to accept her preference when it came to Gym battles. Topaz,
    being one to pull off jokes as long as the situation wasn’t serious had decided to accept her preferences. However, the sarcasm was evident and she felt that he evidently had not tried to cover it up at all.

    She managed to calm her self down enough to say, “Whatever you say” .

    Topaz replied immediately, “Ladies first” adding a small bow.

    She was graceful this time and was greeted by a mecha-Pidgey, which asked her which style of battling she wanted. She chose 6-on-6 switch-in battles, which had been implemented two months ago. In this form of battling, the trainer would use six Pokemon to fight the Gym Leader’s six best Pokemon. These Pokemon were extremely powerful and could easily stand up for a long fight.

    The two challengers saw two virtual trainers waiting ahead. Amethyst cleaned their clocks with Grotle’s Seed Bombs and Prinplup’s Bubblebeams while Topaz went to the spectator area. She moved forward and saw the gym leader Roark.

    “Are you the challenger?” enquired Roark.

    “Yes. I am Amethyst from Sootopolis City. I moved to Twinleaf a while ago.” replied Amethyst.

    “And you chose 6-on-6 switch-in battles, correct?” was the next question.

    “Yes I did.” came the reply.

    “Then we begin!” yelled the Gym Leader.

    He sent out a large Pokemon who had rocks jutting out all over its body. It had four arms and two short legs.

    Amethyst recognized it at once. It was Graveler.

    She responded by sending out Grotle. The two Pokemon began staring at each other, each trying to locate the other’s weaknesses. Amethyst and Roark simultaneously commanded their Pokemon and started the battle.

    “Grotle, Seed Bomb!”

    “Graveler, counter with Rock Blast!”

    Grotle fired off a series of seeds which met the rocks fired by Graveler to cause a midair explosion. Neither Pokemon relented and soon the Gym was covered with smoke. Neither trainer nor Pokemon on both sides could see each other. However each trainer still commanded them to attack.

    “Graveler, use Rollout and use the field in order to jump off the rocks which jut out and try to hit Grotle.”

    “Grotle, use our special room technique!”

    Grotle stood still as it tried to detect the location of its foe. It finally locked on to its position : right above it.

    Grotle managed to tilt its head upwards and fired off a Seed Bomb. The falling Graveler who was in the middle of an attack took heavy damage and survived the hit solely because of its high defense. It was thrown far behind Grotle.

    Grotle began to draw energy. Suddenly, Graveler was thrown into the air and it landed and fainted.

    “What just happened?” asked a confused Roark.

    “Earth Power happened” yelled a laughing Topaz, who was happy that Amethyst was finally getting familiar with her Pokemon’s moves. “Now send out your next Pokemon sir.”

    Roark fingered a Pokeball before sending it out. A large rock snake appeared. It was Onix.

    Amethyst retrieved Grotle and sent out Prinplup. She commanded it to use Bubblebeam.

    It was not that easy, however.

    Onix dug underground on its trainer’s command to avoid the attack and Prinplup looked around, confused.

    Suddenly, Piplup was tossed into the air and Onix appeared. It used the time while Prinplup was shocked to set up Stealth Rock.

    “Switching is not that comfortable now, is it?” asked a sneering Roark.

    There was no response. Suddenly Amethyst cried out.

    “Prinplup use Ice beam.”

    “Onix, Dig again!” came the Gym Leader’s yell.

    The rock snake dug underground and avoided the attack. However, Prinplup and its trainer had other plans.

    Prinplup jumped into the hole and a strange sound could be heard. Roark was puzzled, but he recognized it quickly. The sound was ensued by a popping sound. This was well known to Roark, who slapped his forehead. Onix had fainted.

    Roark retrieved his Pokemon and groaned. His rock snake had fainted to a combination of Signal Beam and Bubblebeam.

    Roark didn’t hesitate to send out his next Pokemon. Pupitar appeared on the field. Amethyst switched out Prinplup for Monferno, who lost a fair bit of health to Stealth Rock.

    “Monferno, Mach Punch!” she yelled.

    “Pupitar, Rock Tomb!” the Gym Leader ordered.

    However the rocks never connected, and Pupitar was down for the count from the instant Monferno’s Mach Punch connected. Roark looked worried as he retrieved it and he sent out Aerodactyl. Amethyst countered by sending out Luxio, who was jabbed by rocks. The attacks and commands ensued.

    “Luxio, Spark!”

    “Aerodactyl, Rock Slide!”

    Luxio raced towards the prehistoric Pokemon and leapt, sparks surrounding its body. Aerodactyl’s attack caused Luxio to faint due to the rocks midair. Nevertheless, Luxio, had leapt off a rock towards Aerodactyl before fainting, and the large electric charge Luxio had built up caused Aerodactyl to faint.

    “It’s a double knockout” called out Topaz. “Its been a long time, since I saw one.”

    Neither trainer hesitated. Staravia and Anorith popped out. Staravia, on its trainer’s command moved towards Anorith, its wings glowing white for a Wing Attack. Anorith glowed white and evolved into Armaldo, who countered with Stone Edge. An explosion occurred, and when the smoke cleared away, Staravia had fainted, while Armaldo was standing tall.

    Amethyst was getting jittery. She sent out Grotle. Before Grotle could use Seed Bomb on its trainer’s commands, it collapsed due to the blinding X-Scissor unleashed by Armaldo.

    Amethyst retrieved Grotle and sent out Monferno. She tried having Monferno use Mach Punch, but Armaldo survived the move and countered with Earthquake, which fainted the fire monkey.

    Amethyst was starting to panic. Now it was a 2 on 2 battle with her Prinplup and Scizor against Roark’s Armaldo and his sixth Pokemon which she did not know.

    Prinplup tried out an all-too-obvious Bublebeam, which Armaldo dodged. The prehistoric Pokemon, boosted its attack with a Swords Dance, and then knocked out the penguin Pokemon with X-Scissor.

    Amethyst willed herself to stay strong, and sent out her Scizor which took damage from the jabbing rocks.

    “Scizor, Bullet Punch!” she ordered.

    “Armaldo, finish this off with Stone Edge!” commanded the Gym Leader.

    The third explosion of the match occurred, and the smoke cleared to show the steel mantis Pokemon buzzing victoriously over its fallen foe.

    Roark gritted his teeth and swapped out Armaldo for his star, Rampardos. Both trainers tried to finish off the match with a single move.

    “Scizor, Superpower!”

    “Rampardos, Stone Edge!”

    Both Pokemon clashed in the middle of the field, neither giving an inch to the other, as they tried to overpower their opponents. However both were showing signs of weakening, and suddenly Scizor was starting to move backward and it looked as though it was losing………

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    That's it for Chapter 6, my longest chapter yet. I've decided to start a PM list, so please tell me if you want to be on it.

    P.S. Could someone tell how to link to a post?

    P.P.S Could someone tell me what happens if you are on the PM list?
     
  20. Aradan

    Aradan Darkness Trainer

    Dude.

    Seriously, I believe that you should have listened to Yami Ryu on this one.

    I was on this site about three years ago and I posted some fan fics then. One of them was called, "Gardevoir, Journey through the Netherworlds," and I'll be honest, it sucked. Her friend Sandra and herself gave me critisism that I will admit was hard to take. I had put my life and soul into writing that piece and I felt as if it were torn to shreds.

    However, here is the difference between you and me. I looked and the critisism, followed the advice, and now I'm writing better than ever. Sure I still have mistakes, but people point them out to me and I change. I improve. I evolve. I even received a scholarship to a writing college in Pennsylvania.

    It seems like you don't care about your mistakes. Yami Ryu, while harsh, is only trying to help you become a better author. If you follow the advice given to you, you will see your writing improve 100 times.

    Now, I have seen you improve each time that you write. You are learning and you have the vision of what you want. But I promise you that this fic will be a lot better if you follow the advice of Yami Ryu and read these threads:

    FANFICTION RULES
    ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS
    SIGNATURE RULES

    I will be checking up on your writing. Good luck!
     
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