chosen_one386
Angel of Chaos
How to begin? I'll use the three points on this one...
1. Plot: I get where you're going with this. I've seen Ben 10 quite a few times. The whole thing behind the show is this boy, Ben Tennison, who gets this alien watch-like thing stuck to his arm and gains the ability to change into 10 different aliens. When you combine it with Pokemon...well, it's okay to keep the alien thing alive, but, if I were to combine the two, I would change his ability to change into 10 different aliens to the ability to change into 10 different Pokemon, but that's me. As for the PokeSpecial Dexholders, what in the world are they doing? I don't understand that part. This looks like a basic journeyfic to me.
2. Characters: Now, being in America, I have only read the PokeSpecial volumes released here. I do know much about the other characters, though, from the main site. Pearl, Silver, and the others seem horribly OOC to me. Especially Silver, who is supposed to be a moody character. As far as your three main characters Garnet, Amethyst, and Topaz. I know nothing about them or the antagonists. I can't figure out what makes them tick.
3. Writing Style: Okay, so you've stepped up a bit from one line paragraphs, but your description needs to be changed. I'll show you how lines can be improved, taking a random line from one of my old fics.
David frowned. The blonde-haired boy was confused by the situation in front of him.
Better: David paused, taking in the scene in front of him. In the forest stood three young women, all staring back at him.
Best: David's skin crawled as he crept forward, the images in front of him flashing through his mind, causing it to race at top speed as his physical body creeped inch by inch foward.
Each of these lines are about the same situation, but from different views. Sometimes, less is more, but in fanfiction, more is always better.
And, finally, LISTEN TO YOUR REVIEWERS. And get Yami Ryu off of your ignore list. That was the first reaction I had to her reviews when I first started, but after a time, her criticism sunk in and helped much.
1. Plot: I get where you're going with this. I've seen Ben 10 quite a few times. The whole thing behind the show is this boy, Ben Tennison, who gets this alien watch-like thing stuck to his arm and gains the ability to change into 10 different aliens. When you combine it with Pokemon...well, it's okay to keep the alien thing alive, but, if I were to combine the two, I would change his ability to change into 10 different aliens to the ability to change into 10 different Pokemon, but that's me. As for the PokeSpecial Dexholders, what in the world are they doing? I don't understand that part. This looks like a basic journeyfic to me.
2. Characters: Now, being in America, I have only read the PokeSpecial volumes released here. I do know much about the other characters, though, from the main site. Pearl, Silver, and the others seem horribly OOC to me. Especially Silver, who is supposed to be a moody character. As far as your three main characters Garnet, Amethyst, and Topaz. I know nothing about them or the antagonists. I can't figure out what makes them tick.
3. Writing Style: Okay, so you've stepped up a bit from one line paragraphs, but your description needs to be changed. I'll show you how lines can be improved, taking a random line from one of my old fics.
David frowned. The blonde-haired boy was confused by the situation in front of him.
Better: David paused, taking in the scene in front of him. In the forest stood three young women, all staring back at him.
Best: David's skin crawled as he crept forward, the images in front of him flashing through his mind, causing it to race at top speed as his physical body creeped inch by inch foward.
Each of these lines are about the same situation, but from different views. Sometimes, less is more, but in fanfiction, more is always better.
And, finally, LISTEN TO YOUR REVIEWERS. And get Yami Ryu off of your ignore list. That was the first reaction I had to her reviews when I first started, but after a time, her criticism sunk in and helped much.
