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The Ripple Effect

Discussion in 'Non-Pokémon Stories' started by Zadros, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    The Ripple Effect
    There is no escape

    Rated M15+ for violence and coarse language. An original work.



    Contents:
    >> Prologue - Descent
    >> Chapter One
    >> Chapter Two
    >> Chapter Three
    >> Chapter Four
    >> Chapter Five
    >> Chapter Six
    >> Chapter Seven

    The Notified:
    >>SerenadeSP
    >>Pkmn Breeder Jack


    >> Prologue – Descent
    >> Beta'd by Dramatic Melody


    Every story must have a beginning. There must be a point where events create a form of inescapable destiny. It may not be the most obvious or even exciting point, but it is the beginning. Life forms a complex spiral of destruction, dragging down whoever falls within, trapped. Lives collide; corruption can erupt from the simple meeting of an unlikely pair in a very unlikely place. What is the difference between a chance meeting and a road to destruction? Is there a difference in the end?​


    The green light shone through her eyelids. It was coloured by the multitude of leaves above, clinging tightly to the branches of a young oak. Beneath the tree stood a tall, teenage girl leaning against it. She opened her eyes to the spring green of the park; her thin, black shoulder-bag hanging over the branch next to her.

    Wind tugged at the baggy, long-sleeved turquoise shirt and faded jeans she wore. They sagged at her elbows and knees, and were spattered with old stains.

    The dirt where she stood was muddy from the rain of the previous day; it was amazing that her jeans were relatively clean. She shifted her weight uncomfortably as her legs grew stiff.

    Her attention was focused on the small notebook she held in her hands. Various words and scribbles coated the top page. She extended the pen she held, as if to add something, but stopped. With a slight smile, she flipped the book shut and slid the pen inside the cover. Reaching over to her bag, she placed it inside.

    The girl closed her eyes once more and concentrated on her breathing. She knew that she could stand under the calming tree and “watch the world pass her by,” or something like that.

    Noises around her suddenly penetrated the serenity of her thoughts, almost as if there hadn’t been any sounds before. She heard couples, who sat hand-in-hand upon benches scattered around the park, saying just how much they loved each other. Young families sat on brightly coloured rugs, racing each other to picnic sandwiches and cake. They laughed and chatted loudly. She sighed in resignation at the overflow of emotions around her.

    She reached out and carefully detached her bag from the branch. She slung it over her shoulder and pushed herself away from the tree; absent-mindedly smoothing down her clothes. Looking in the direction of the park exit, she walked slowly forwards.

    The day was fine and sunny; a breeze stirred the trees and blew strands of the girl’s long, blonde hair across her face. She didn’t seem to notice.

    She stopped as she felt something bump her left shoe. Surprised, she glanced down at her worn old sneaker. Next to it laid a muddy soccer ball, with leaves sticking to the mud at odd angles. She glanced around for a moment, confused.

    A boy ran eagerly towards her. He looked to be around ten, and seemed rather short. As he approached, she noticed that the colour of his short messy hair matched almost perfectly with the layer of mud that coated his shoes, knees and the ball at her feet. His black shorts and red t-shirt were remarkably mud-free, although the colour of his shorts made it hard to tell. He stopped and stood in front of her, looking nervously at the ball by her feet.

    “Can I, I mean can we…have…well, you know,” the boy stammered quietly. He shuffled his feet, not even looking up.

    “Do you want your ball back?” she suggested kindly.

    “Yes, I mean please!” he said, his voice a bit louder than before.

    She nudged it forwards with the toe of her shoe, unwilling to pick it up. He bent down and grabbed it. She noticed his shirt had the number ‘8’ emblazoned on the back in white. He jumped up and gazed at her. “Thanks, uh...”

    “Kristin,” she said, “Or Kris.”

    He smiled brightly. “I have a nickname too.” She looked at the boy expectantly, with a slight smirk at his enthusiasm.

    “Oh?” she prompted after a few seconds.

    “Kysa.”

    “Um…” Kristin frowned, unsure how to respond.

    “KYE-zah. Kysa,” he repeated, and was met with a confused stare.

    She sighed, wanted to clarify her ability to pronounce it, but her eye was drawn to a small trickle of red running down his leg.

    "Your knee is bleeding..."

    He glanced down quickly. "Don’t worry, it's just a scrape. I'll be fine."

    Grinning, he turned and ran before she could reply. A group of boys his age were on the playing field, rapidly growing impatient. He didn’t seem to notice them; lost in thought.


    So much for a descent into chaos...​


    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    I wrote this originally... a very long time ago, and revised it semi-recently. Finally mustered up the courage to post it, and hopefully it will motivate me to write the rest. Most of all, I hope people enjoy reading it almost as much as I enjoy creating it =)
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2012
  2. Aura Master

    Aura Master Smell of Success

    I finally get to see something from you Zadros. Take this helpless review.

    This was good, but what do I know?

    Not much really happened here so I don't think I can foreshadow into the first chapter. A girl sitting by a tree with ragged clothes, boy comes, she gives him the ball back and he goes off.

    Only thing I find distinctive is

    Which I could say a few things about that but nah....Ill just stand by it and wait.

    Anyway, good job, nice writing.
     
  3. godudette

    godudette /me cresselias

    It's hard to review this- I mean, not much happened, but what do you expect from a prologue?

    This was very well written, though. You described everything perfectly without boring the reader.

    I'm guessing that this is just a typo...

    I really liked the italicized part at the beginning of this, too. It seems to prepare the reader for what is yet to come in the next chapters. It coincides perfectly with your title.

    Anyways, excellent job. Can't wait for the rest.
     
  4. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    It was pretty interesting. I liked the description and it all seemed to flow well. Like someone else said, not a lot happened, but that's fine. That notebook seems like it may or may not be important.

    Told you my reviews/responses suck. =P
     
  5. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    Yeah, like you all said, there's not much to comment on when it comes to a prologue. It doesn't really give you much of a sense of what the whole thing will be like. The itallics I quite like also =) If I do make any mistakes, pull me up on them, because I'm still rather new at this. Don't want to make any bad habits.

    Thanks for taking the time to review.
     
  6. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    >> Chapter One
    >> Beta'd by bobandbill


    Rays from the afternoon sun reflected off a pair of glass doors as they slowly slid open. The smell of donuts wafted into the open air, accompanied by the bustling sounds of the mall.

    "...So I said 'Guess what!', and she says, 'What?' Then I said, 'Nothing!' It gets her every time. You should seriously try it." Laughing, the speaker turned to his companion and lightly punched him on the shoulder.

    "You want to get something to eat, Kysa?" Both boys' brown hair ruffled in the wind as they walked through the doorway. The second teen frowned for a second.

    "Not really, maybe later." Kysa thrust his hands into the pockets of his dark green hoodie and smirked. "By the way, what's this I hear about you and a certain classmate of ours? Chloe?"

    Wide-eyed, his friend looked up at him sharply. "What?"

    "Come on, Jake." Kysa side-stepped to avoid a wayward toddler.

    Jake chuckled. "You're going to pay if you spread that one around. I mean it."

    Smiling, Kysa unzipped his hoodie and stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets instead. "Relax, mate."

    The two boys wove their way through the crowds of people, all walking in different directions along the same, shiny, brown floor tiles. Various shops lined both sides of the walkways, with the afternoon rush flowing through their doors.

    Kysa ran a hand over his dark brown hair, smoothing it back into relative tidiness. He glanced at the simple sign hanging from the roof ahead, listing upcoming shops. "You want to look around Woolworths?" He pointed to the supermarket on their left.

    "Yeah," Jake shrugged and scuffed his feet along the ground. "There isn't much else to do."

    They paused as the automatic barrier swung inwards to admit them. Neither collected a basket or trolley before they wandered along the first aisle.

    "Wow, tissues. How interesting." Kysa let out a mock yawn. "So, can you come see a movie this weekend?"

    Jake opened his mouth to answer, but stopped. He gazed intently forward, at a man entering the aisle from the opposite end.

    "What?" Kysa demanded, after not hearing a reply.

    Finally, Jake looked at his friend. "Look at that guy," he hissed. "Doesn't he look a bit like you?"

    Kysa looked around blankly until he spotted the man, and then started scrutinising him. He was probably in his late twenties, wore jeans, a shirt, a black baseball cap and old sneakers, but his gaze was drawn to the man's face. Jake also looked between the man before them, and his friend.

    He instantly noticed the way both held their jaws, and the identical shapes of their faces. Curiously, Jake waited for Kysa to respond.

    The man’s reflective sunglasses and blank expression made it hard to tell if he noticed the teenagers staring at him. He carelessly passed the pair, and they quickly averted their eyes.

    After another moment of silence, Kysa snorted. "Yeah, sure. We could be twins." He tapped the lens of Jake's glasses with his finger. "I thought these were meant to help you see."

    Stepping back, Jake swatted his hand away. "I'm serious. Come on, let's take another look."

    "No way, I'm not becoming a stalker. Let's go do something fun." Kysa grabbed his friend's white sleeve and tried to pull him towards the exit.

    Jake sighed. "Can I at least get a drink while we're here?" He resolutely strode to a cooler next to a checkout and pulled out a can.

    They stood in line behind an old man clutching a bag of cat food, who fumbled in his wallet for money. Kysa studied the DVD store opposite and shuffled impatiently.

    After declining a receipt, Jake nudged Kysa. "See, there he is again."

    Both of them watched as the man strode through the exit, without buying anything. He walked briskly straight through the middle of the crowd and stopped outside a newsagent.

    "You want something fun? I bet you ten bucks you can't get his hat." Jake glanced sideways at his slightly taller friend.

    Kysa gave him a lopsided grin, “You mean you want me to steal it?”

    “Well, if you can. I mean, there’s so many people here you’d probably trip before you got there. I think my money's safe.”

    Kysa grinned from ear to ear, slipped out of his hoodie and handed it to Jake. "Hang on to that for me, and keep up if you can. Just to make sure I don't try to cheat you."

    Then he ran.

    He kept his eyes fixed on the man’s head. Thankfully the man was tall, so he had little trouble keeping track of him. Kysa zigzagged between people and jumped over a stray basket.

    The man had moved on from the newsagent, walking in the direction of the food court. Kysa slowed to a fast walk to let Jake catch up.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    Gayle Brown stood with a packet of sugar in each hand, as if weighing them. After a moment of contemplation, she nodded to herself, returning one to the shelf and depositing the other in her trolley.

    She adjusted the bun in her hair before resuming her progress down the shelves and glanced at a used envelope in her hand. It had a shopping list neatly written on the back, with the occasional item scrawled in a messier script.

    "Just...milk left..." Gayle mumbled to herself.

    Milk endured the same scrutiny as the sugar, as Gayle hummed an indistinct tune. It took her a few tries before she selected two blue cartons.

    "Wilson!" she exclaimed. A grey-haired man approached the trolley, carrying a packet of small dried fruit. "No no dear, not home-brand. Go get another."

    With a meek smile, Wilson nodded and turned back to the shelves. He straightened his tie and adjusted his collar as he walked. Carefully, he returned the packet to its prior place before picking up another smaller one, with the same price tag as the rejected brand.

    Impatient, Gayle sighed and turned around. She brushed past a large, balding man picking up cheese on her way to a vacant register.

    By the time Wilson left the aisle, she was already passing food to the checkout attendant. She waved her husband over, smiled apologetically at the employee and grabbed the packet. "And here are the sultanas. Could you lift the bags please, darling?"

    The calico straps of the densely filled bags dug into his hands. He lifted them into the trolley silently, while Gayle extracted her purse from the pouch around her waist. "Do you have change, love?" she questioned the teenage girl at the register as she held out two yellow, fifty dollar notes.

    Wilson pushed the trolley as Gayle guided it from the front. She stopped abruptly and let out a small gasp. "Oh no, we forgot about Princess! She needs more cat food."

    He hesitated for a second before speaking slowly. "Well, you sit here with the shopping and I'll go back to get some."

    With the trolley sticking out, Gayle sat on a metal bench to observe the other shoppers. She smiled cheerily at a baby peering out of its pram and waved. As the baby's pram rolled away, she squinted down towards the supermarket.

    She looked curiously at two boys outside, as one thrust his jacket at his curly haired companion. The first started running, and a second later the other followed, slightly slower.

    As she continued watching, the boy snuck up behind a tall young man, and she gasped as he ripped the hat straight from his head. He tossed it to his friend and turned around towards where she was sitting.

    Slowly, the man turned around. She watched transfixed as the second boy thrust it back into his friend's hands and they started running again.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    “Hey! Get back here!” The man charged after the two teenagers.

    Kysa hurtled forward as fast as he could. A smile slowly emerged on his face as he felt the adrenalin rush through him. His feet pounded out the rhythm to a silent melody that steadily rose in intensity as he ran.

    After a few seconds, he turned to see Jake lagging a few metres behind, and motioned that he was going to throw the hat. Jake shook his head. Giving an apologetic grimace, he suddenly veered left around a corner.

    "Thanks!” Kysa yelled bitterly over his shoulder. Turning back to look ahead, he had about a second to take in the trolley full of groceries in front of him.

    “Oh craaap!”

    Kysa knew it was too late to stop, and squeezed his eyes shut.

    His knee connected with the trolley, and a split second later the rest of his body slammed into the side. The trolley and Kysa hit the floor with an almighty crash.

    He rolled and lay on the floor for a moment, winded. Milk was pooled around the trolley; a collection of shattered eggs splattered the tiles of the floor. Shoppers stopped to gawk at the scene of carnage and an old woman gasped from the bench next to him.

    Kysa leapt to his feet and winced, as a burning pain shot through his knee.

    The man’s footsteps were still pounding behind him. His head-start from the ambush was almost gone, so despite the pain he started running again.

    "Police!" bellowed a voice from behind him. Kysa almost tripped with surprise.

    "Oh, great, a cop. That makes this all better," he muttered between breaths, "This is worth way more than ten bucks."

    People leapt out of the way in shock as two guys raced through, running as if they were on an empty race track. Kysa's legs felt to him like they weren't even there. He resolved to murder Jake slowly, perhaps bashing him around the head with his ten dollars and the stupid hat.

    Pounding around a corner, the teen almost skidded into a wall.

    "Stop!" the man behind him yelled again.

    Kysa smelled chicken as he darted past a family eating at a glossy square table. With barely a thought, he swooped past and grabbed a drink cup. Looking over his shoulder, he hurled it at the man's face.

    It barely connected with his chin. Orange liquid erupted over his face and dripped to the floor. Kysa heard the ice hit the ground, and the curse from his pursuer.

    An exit sign appeared at the end of the corridor, and Kysa felt a wave of relief wash over him. He slipped through the automatic doors just as they opened.

    Bursting into the sun, Kysa saw the secluded car park and headed for it. A second or two later, the man emerged from the shopping centre. His sunglasses were gone, to reveal narrowed brown eyes.

    Kysa dove behind a car. He clutched his knee as it began to throb again. The only other person in the car park was the cop, and after a quick glance from behind the car, Kysa saw that he was protecting the only exit.

    He pulled the black cap over his head and bent low. Scuttling to the next car, he wondered how it was possible not to hear his heartbeat from twenty metres away.

    The man quietly advanced, but Kysa could see his feet by looking under the cars. Taking a deep breath, he leapt up and vaulted over the bonnet of the car.

    "Hey!" yelled the man as he resumed chase. "You can't go anywhere. Now give me my bloody hat back!"

    With a burst of speed, Kysa hurled himself at the chain link fence. He grabbed the top and started to swing his legs over. The man grabbed his leg and pulled.

    Kysa strained to hold on, pulling against the strong grip on him. He kicked out with his other foot, and felt it connect with something. A grunt came from below him, and the force pulling him down instantly disappeared.

    He tumbled over the fence, a lot faster than he'd intended, and landed on his shoulder. Clutching it, he stood up. His prize remained triumphantly atop his head. "Sorry!" he called to the man, who was about to begin climbing the fence.

    The police officer stopped as he saw the boy run off. He knew there was no way he'd find one teenager in the crowd on the street at the end of the alley. With an exasperated exhalation, he started listing details in his head. Jeans, white t-shirt, dark shoes, and my cap...

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>


    Merry Christmas everyone! Okay, wow ^^ That chapter came out a lot better than I'd thought and didn't even take very long. It's set about six or seven years after the prologue, if anyone's curious.

    Oh, as I'll probably be updating irregularly, I might start a PM list if anyone's interested.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2010
  7. Kecleoshrew

    Kecleoshrew KECLEON :D

    Seeing as this is my first review, dont expect much, haha ^-^

    Well, it certainly is interesting, i must say. I couldn't find any problems in punctuation or spelling mistakes to point out. Very good job!

    This is one of those ones where i always want to know what happens next. I'll be looking forward to reading more ^-^
     
  8. Bay

    Bay YEAHHHHHHH

    HAPPY NEW YEAR, ZADROS! :D

    The prologue I thought sets it up nicely for what I assume will be the two main characters in the story, Kysa and Kris. Not much action going on, but there seems to be a couple foreshadowing, like Kris’ bag and maybe the number * on Kysa’s uniform. Maybe it’s just me overthinking, though. XD

    Chapter One though nice you got some action going and also some fun interaction between Kysa and Jake. Haha, I kind of feel sorry for Kysa now. XD

    Gayle and Wilson seemed to be interesting characters and looks like they’ll be more important later on, moreso on Gayle since you focused more on her thoughts. I don’t think you need to italize her part though because it’s not like it’s in the past. We’ll be able to know the next scene is in a different POV without the italization.

    Nothing much to say but great work on the beginning! Can’t wait to see how the plot unfolds!
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2009
  9. LampShade

    LampShade Fanfiction Writer

    Now now, let's not all be modest reviewers. There's no point in reading a "bad" review, now is there?

    Here's my review. I've categorized it in order from least to most important, in accordance to my point scale.

    -Correct Spelling, Grammar, Usage, Punctuation [5 pts]

    There are a few mistakes here and there, but they're not too noticeable. Still, it would be good to thoroughly go over what you've written and change these minor errors.

    Here's some distinguishable errors you can fix. Use Ctrl+F to find these phrases, so that you can fix them.
    -breathing She (Put a period.)
    -saton (I think you mean sat on.)
    -mock yawn (I don't think you meant "practice yawn". You should change this to "yawn mockingly" or something.)
    -balding man (I think you meant "bald".)

    Score: [4/5]

    -Theme/Purpose of Story [10 pts]

    Good, but not spectacular. I liked the introductory narration and the Prologue, but I didn't feel like you had much of a purpose in creating this story (yet). It would be great to see how you plan on tying in the Prologue with Chapter 1 later on in the story. For now, though, there's not much else I can say for thematic elements. One last comment, though: Although the theme is a bit cliche and it could be spiced up a bit, it reminds me of chaos theory. And I like chaos theory.

    Score: [8/10]

    -Style (Rhetoric included) [15 pts]

    I'd first like to say that you have considerable mastery over the pen (or keyboard). I loved your colorful descriptions and your use of imagery, as well as your mastery over various syntactical structures.

    Now, the end of the Prologue was a nice touch, but it would be good to make the transition clearer as well as more abrupt. Here's what I suggest: Go back to the beginning texts, and then finish with the "So much for a descent into chaos..." line. Here's what the ending might look like. Keep in mind, it's just an example:

    Every story must have a beginning. Life turns into destruction, collision turns into corruption. Chaos can erupt from the simple meeting of an unlikely pair in a very unlikely place. Chaos can...etc. etc.

    Well, so much for a descent into chaos...


    There are also some minor awkward parts with some sentences you write. Don't worry, this happens to all writers. Here are some examples:

    "Looking in the direction of the park exit, she walked slowly forwards. " - I think it would be better to say "She began to walk slowly towards the park exit."

    "Laughing, the speaker turned to his companion and lightly punched him on the shoulder." - You might want to put this the speaker suggests chow time. But that isn't the real problem. The problem is, I'm not quite sure who was saying the whole "What? Nothing!" thing. Hence, I have no idea who punched who. Clarifying this would help.

    I didn't quite like the italics you placed for Gayle Brown and Wilson. It felt a bit unnecessary, and it also gave me a hazy, spooky vibe, which I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to feel, at least in the beginning/middle parts.

    Additionally, you seem to first shift to Third Person Limited, since Gayle was making side comments in her head about certain things. But then you shifted to Wilsons point of view for a moment, making the point of view Omniscient. Simply put, the whole italicized part sounds a bit off because of these shifts. I suggest sticking to Third Person Limited, since Wilson's thoughts and independent actions aren't nearly as crucial to the plot as Gayle's.

    Score: [9/15]
    (The latter comments had quite a bit of an impact on my score.)

    -Setting/Characterization [15 pts]

    I love the way you use word choice to reveal the personality of Kris in the beginning of the story; I also liked the way your described her clothes. However, I felt like I was missing a lot of other features from this girl. You emphasize her eyes a lot, but in the beginning, I'm not quite sure what color eyes they are, and why they're so charismatic (You seem to focus on her body quite a bit). This goes for the rest of her physical features. Introducing hair color, hairstyle, skin tone, etc. and what effect they have on people helps create a better image of what this girl looks like. I honestly didn't expect the girl had blonde hair until you said so halfway through the Prologue.

    Score: [13/15]

    -Plot [25 pts]

    Great, but still not quite spectacular. Your plot line is definitely very interesting. At some points, it seems a bit hackneyed, but overall, your plot is great. Of course, I can't comment much on this, because like the other reviewers said, you're only done with the Prologue and Chapter 1.

    I also really like how you drew out the part with the identical-looking man. The part where Kysa crashes into the cart is also worded correctly so that it provokes a lot of intended emotions. It's hard for writers to draw out a scenario so that the mood is fully established. I'm glad that you can make a thorough plot line without sounding superfluous like me.

    Score: [20/25]

    -Audience Interest [30 pts]

    The side comments, the “rush” feeling in Chapter 1, and the colorful characters made a huge impact on keeping me interested. Coupled with a great storyline (so far at least) and a wonderful use of adjectives, save a few description-less moments, and you have a story that will keep the audience hooked! If you continue to write this, and if you’re patient, I’m sure you’ll have a substantial fanbase in no time.

    The more chapters you place, the more attached I'll be.

    Score: [25/30]


    Final Score: [79/100]

    Most of the fanfiction that I read fall in the 50-60 range. You should be really proud of yourself for writing this. Seriously. Please, keep up the good work. I'm looking forward to making (less elaborate perhaps?) reviews for future chapters!
     
  10. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    Thanks for the review =) Everyone starts somewhere, and your first review was much better than mine XD

    HAPPY NEW YEAR AS WELL BAY. Oh wait, I already said that, didn't I XD

    Foreshadowing, huh? The biggest link I'll refer back to isn't either one of those =P

    Yeah, I think the itallics are too confusing. And Gayle is the main person in that scene, Wilson's just there for support.

    Eh, unless they're spam I find most reviews helpful XD

    And I won't quote your whole review XD Very comprehensive, thank you for taking the time =)

    Ah, grammar catches. First two were accidental, but the other two seem fine. It was a 'mock' yawn because he wasn't really yawning, just pretending to. Balding indicates he's not bald yet but heading that way. This might not be so outside of Australia though...

    Yeah, you can't really see the purpose yet. It takes a few chapters until you can really see what's going on, so I hope you'll bear with me.

    I'll watch for the awkward sentences now, thanks =) Some of it will probably come when I get a bit more comfortable writing, but until then I need to do more re-reading.

    Yep, I'm getting rid of the itallics. Not really sure what point of view I was trying to use there XD It's a bit of a mess. Yes, it's Gayle who the scene is meant to focus on so I'll adjust the narration to reflect that.

    I struggle with introducing new characters and saying what they look like, I guess because I don't want to stop and analyse them. Looks like I need to do a bit more of describing them.

    Well, not identical. Just noticeably similar ;) Thanks, although I've never crashed into a trolley I went over that one a lot in my head lol. And a fair bit of the mood stuff I think is luck

    Tell me when you find parts that don't have enough description =) Well, I think you'll be safe doing less elaborate reviews in future XD Thanks for this one though.


    I'm going to try and have the next chapter finished before I go to summer camp for a week, starting next Sunday. Stay tuned.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2010
  11. You and your aussie-ness.


    I don't think you need the comma in both. Do you? I'm not sure. XD


    A bit nitpicky, but I think Kysa and the trolley would sound better.


    I knew you could do it, Zadros. This was a really good first chapter, and Kysa's turning out to be an interesting character. I like how you put the dialogue between him and Jake, too.

    And where's Kristin?

    I haven't told you this beforehand, but I'm really interested with your title, too. I'm predicting that the people act as the ripples, which I think why you had to oddly include the husband and wife buying sugar and milk, but I can't trust myself guessing, now can I?

    I really wanna know how this'll turn out, so you bet I'm gonna stay tuned. =D
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2010
  12. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    >> Chapter Two
    >> Beta'd by Dramatic Melody


    "That's fifty bucks, kid." A shop assistant with an assortment of piercings held out his hand.

    Ten-year-old Brad grinned with gleaming white teeth, contrasted by his dark skin. He thrust a handful of notes across the counter without even looking at them.

    The shop assistant laughed as he handed the boy his purchase. "Have fun, and take it easy at first, okay?"

    His warning went unheard as Brad turned to leave, transfixed by what he held. He ran his hand over the rough black top, and then flipped over the long, thin object. One by one, he spun all four wheels and traced the neon green patterns on the smooth, pitch black underside with his finger.

    It was his skateboard now.

    Brad knew he was meant to take it home so he could get his protective gear, like his mum had said. He had planned ahead and brought his helmet instead. By his reasoning, he wouldn't need the rest of the pads since he was wearing a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. After all, it looked so easy on TV.

    Stopping by a wall, he found a red helmet in his backpack and pulled it down over his short dreadlocks. Closing the clip under his chin, he smiled again.

    "Here we go..." he murmured.

    Brad placed the skateboard on the smooth concrete at his feet, and put one foot on it. As he went to place his other foot, it rolled slightly. He tried again. After a few times, he still couldn't get on without feeling he was going to fall off or careen into a passerby.

    Picking it up, Brad ran through a gap in traffic. He crossed to the other side of the street, which had a smaller crowd. As he returned the skateboard to the ground, it slowly began to roll down the hill.

    "Wait! Aren't I supposed to stand on you before you go?" Brad called as he started chasing it.

    The slope of the hill gradually grew, and surprised pedestrians jumped out of the way of the boy and his wayward skateboard.

    Seeing the end of the block approaching, Brad dove forwards to grab his board before it reached the road. The rough surface grazed his chin as he successfully halted its descent.

    "At last, you are mine again," he declared triumphantly.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    Still clutching his shoulder, Kysa ducked into the street at the end of the alley. He started walking at the same pace as the people around him.

    "Kysa!" A boy about his age with glasses and curly brown hair bounded towards him. "You made it! And you kept the hat!"

    With a disdainful glance at him, Kysa kept walking. "Fifty."

    Jake walked along beside him. "What?"

    "Fifty, you owe me fifty dollars," he said flatly.

    Jake laughed and straightened his glasses. "It was ten, remember? And why are you limping?" He scanned Kysa again. "Plus, you've got a bit of egg on your cheek..."

    Kysa glared at him again. "It was ten, but I'm making it fifty. I have egg on my face because I ran into a trolley..."

    Jake sniggered at the ambiguity.

    "No, that was not intended to be funny. I bashed my knee into the side of a trolley, a full trolley, and I landed on my shoulder after falling over a fence. Fifty dollars isn't much in comparison." Kysa rubbed his shoulder again and frowned. Looking down at himself, he had milk all down his jeans and some egg shell stuck to his shirt. He pulled it off and threw it to the ground, where it shattered."Did I mention he was a freaking cop?"

    Reaching into the pocket of his shorts, Jake pulled out his wallet. "Okay, okay. I really wish I'd gotten it on video though," he said, trying not to laugh again.

    "So where did you go?" Kysa asked accusingly.

    Jake looked at his feet. "Well, I'm not that great a runner. I'm not the one on the running team, remember?" Then he abruptly burst into laughter.

    "Still not funny." Kysa narrowed his eyes at Jake.

    The two boys walked along in silence. Behind the layers of clouds, the sun was steadily beginning its descent to sunset. The amount of people walking in both direction were starting to increase.

    "There he is!" cried Jake suddenly and jabbed his finger to his right. Startled, Kysa swung his head around to look. He turned back to see Jake a few metres ahead, trying to run but laughing too hard.

    "Did I say it was funny yet? No." Kysa stopped in the middle of the pavement and yelled after his friend.

    "Hey, look out!" Jake turned around and raised both his eyebrows, pointing behind Kysa.

    Folding his arms, Kysa shot Jake a look. He took a step back to turn around.

    His foot flew out from under him. Before Kysa knew what was happening, the back of his head crashed into the pavement. A black object shot down the pavement, accelerated by Kysa's fall.

    "Waaaait, come back! You're not meant to do this again!" A small boy with grazes under his chin ran after the object, yelling at it for no apparent reason. The rest of the people he passed parted quickly.

    As Kysa sat up he vaguely wondered what he'd stepped on. Jake dashed over, still laughing.

    "You laugh at everything, don't you?" Kysa grumbled while he rubbed the back of his head.

    "No, just you. Are you okay?" He offered a hand, which Kysa took, and stood up.

    "Yeah, so long as everybody's done beating me up for today."

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    With a clunk, Kysa dropped his keys into a dish by the door. "Anyone home?" he called.

    When there was no reply, Kysa sighed with a smile. He kicked off his shoes by the door and turned around.

    His socks made no noise on the pattern of rectangular brown tiles as he walked into another room to his right. The floor had the same colour linoleum as the tiles, and Kysa walked to the square table by the far wall.

    Shift ends at 7, probably be home 7:30. Put the lasagna in the oven, and don't touch the ice cream. Love Mum.

    Kysa smiled as he read the note scrawled on the back of an old envelope. He crossed to the bin in the comer and dropped it in.

    Rubbing the back of his head and messing up his brown hair, Kysa checked the clock on the wall. Quarter to seven. The teenager walked through the doorway opposite to where he had entered, and padded along the pale carpeted hallway.

    Stopping in a dark room with clothing strewn across the floor, he extracted some clothes from a set of drawers. Before leaving, he stopped at an old black laptop on a wooden desk. A message in the corner of his screen told him he had no new emails. Satisfied, he closed the lid once more.

    Flicking on the bathroom light, he stripped off his socks. Crossing to the shower he turned the water on.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    "Kyle honey, did you find the note?"

    "Yeah mum," Kysa called, "I'm about to get it out."

    From the entrance emerged a small woman with shoulder-length, light brown hair. She removed a leather bag from her shoulder and dropped it on the table. "I'll just change," she said, indicating her black pants and striped blouse. Her name badge read 'Naomi Samuels'.

    The oven timer beeped as Kysa jumped up from his chair. "It's ready, mum."

    He'd changed into a pair of track pants and a blue t-shirt. Neither was especially clean, but they had no egg or milk encrusted on them.

    "Good day?" his mother enquired as she returned to the kitchen. She immediately grabbed a sponge and wiped the bench where Kysa had served the food.

    "Not too bad, went out with Jake. How about you? Busy day?" Kysa returned to the table with a plate of lasagna, salad and mashed potato, hiding his slight limp.

    Naomi followed him, with a smaller plate. "Isn't it always?" she laughed. Pausing, she closed her eyes and bowed her head. Kysa followed suit.

    A dangling light illuminated the table, with its two occupants sitting opposite each other. One of the chairs scraped the ground slightly.

    "Although," she began, while lighting a cigarette, "we did have one patient who managed to get a transplant. It took a bit of doing, but I hope it works out for him. He's a really nice guy."

    Kysa nodded silently as he shovelled lasagna into his mouth, dripping some sauce on his chin. The pair sat silently for a few minutes, lost in their respective meals.

    "Looks like I made a bit too much for us," Naomi mused and blew out a stream of smoke. "Could you take some over for Kristin later? She always likes my lasagna."

    "I like it too," protested Kysa.

    "I know you do, Kyle, but I'm sure you can part with a little." She frowned, "Besides, she might think we've moved countries. Neither of us have visited since last Monday."

    Kysa snorted through a mouthful of salad. He swallowed, and took his plate to the sink.

    "Okay, but you wrap it up. Last time I tried, it ended up looking more like a well-wrapped Christmas present."

    Naomi smiled brightly and extinguished her cigarette in an ash tray. "Deal, you go get some shoes on." She crossed to the sink and turned the hot water tap. "Don't be too long! You've got exams next week."

    "We're going to study." Kysa yelled back from down the hall.

    Returning with a backpack and a jacket, he picked up his keys. "I promise we will, you know how good Kris is with chemistry."

    "And she also bought a projector a few days ago. Don't think I've forgotten!" She grinned as she handed him the dish. "Not too long Kyle Samuels," she repeated.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    Kysa trudged along the damp pavement in the dark. The steady stream of cars illuminated the way ahead. He pulled his phone from his pocket, sliding it open. While still holding the dish of lasagna in one hand, he tapped out a text.

    Mum kinda bought it. What movie did you say you'd bought again? There in a min. KS

    He stowed the phone back in his pocket, and turned down a well-lit street. Crossing quickly to the other side, he turned into a driveway.

    The motion detector light burst into life, and he shielded his eyes with his free arm. Blinded, he strode up to the door and pressed the doorbell.

    He didn't have to wait long before the door opened. Inside stood a tall woman with glasses and a loose blonde ponytail. She smiled, "Oh, what did your mum cook this time? I suppose it's an accident there's leftovers."

    "Well, that's her story." Kysa laughed, holding out the dish.

    Kristin stood back to let him inside, and closed the door. She wore a similar style of clothing to Kysa; loose and casual. Her feet were bare and squeaked on the floorboards as she walked.

    "So Kris, would this be your new projector?" Kysa stood in a spacious room with fluffy carpet, next to a table with a box underneath.

    She joined him by the box. "Yes, it is. Would you mind setting it up? I'll get popcorn."

    He crouched by the box and pulled it out. "Oh, do you have any aspirin?" he called.

    "Um... yeah, sure. Got a headache?" she called back as a cupboard door closed.

    Kysa peeled the packing tape off the box, and pulled out the projector encased in thick foam. "Mmhmm, some kid and his stupid skateboard tripped me over." He removed the foam and set the light grey contraption on the table.

    "Ouch! By the way, in answer to your text, a sci-fi movie of course!" Kysa could hear the glee in Kris' voice as she put the popcorn in her microwave.

    Kysa rolled his eyes. "I thought you scientists were supposed to hate them, with all their supposed inaccuracies."

    "No, but we probably get more of the jokes than you do," she teased as she returned to the doorway. "Got it working?"

    "Just a minute, I've got to plug it in first..." Kysa trailed off. "There! Now, let's give it a test run."

    A minute later, Kris returned with a bowl of popcorn, a tablet and a glass of water. She handed him the last two, looking at him closely. "If it gets worse, go home."

    "What, and miss the movie?" he grinned.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    The popcorn was completely gone as Kysa's phone started beeping. He shuffled on the couch to reach it, and hurriedly pulled it out. Peering at the luminous screen, he laughed and read the text.

    I know there's probably only twenty minutes left of... study, but I'm off to bed. Some of us have work tomorrow, remember? Be careful, love Mum.

    "Who was it?" Kris continued to stare at the projection on the wall as she spoke.

    "Mum. I should probably go home after this. No tearing up the neighbourhood for us." He rubbed his head again; the headache was still there and getting more persistent.

    "And I was looking forward to that. Want another tablet?" Kris asked, turning to him.

    Kysa was silent for a moment. "Yeah, when I go though."

    They sat watching the movie for another twenty minutes, almost exactly as Naomi had predicted. As the credits rolled across the wall, Kris turned to him. "So, what's with the shoulder? Hiring yourself out as a punching bag?"

    Kysa paused, as he realised he had been rubbing it throughout the movie. "Well, it's a bit of a long story."

    Grinning from ear to ear, Kris got up and flicked on the lights. "I have time."

    Kysa frowned. “And just remember, it's not funny...”

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>


    I guess it's still in the introductory phase, but next chapter you'll meet someone a bit different. That should be interesting =) Oh, and something really big happened here, if you can find it...

    Help is always appreciated in the form of reviews ^^
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  13. Bay

    Bay YEAHHHHHHH

    Not so sure if the bolded part is necessary since I think you already mentioned Jake last chapter. Here you make it as if you're introducing Jake the first time. Not sure how you can change the middle part to have Jake's name be mentioned right away instead in a passive way like you did. Maybe sometime like "Jake, who had been in hiding, bounded towards him." This is just me though, so you don't to agree. :x

    Missing part here?

    Yeah, pretty much it seems like an introductory chapter, like you said. With the exception of Brad getting his skateboard back and Kysa getting hurt, nothing much really happened. Kysa just goes back home and then to Kristina's place. That doesn't mean there is a bit of something on each part, right? ;)

    When reading Brad's part, I assume he's another Ripple character. If so, he should be interesting even though not much development is from him yet. I wonder if how the skateboard moved on its own is very important to the story. Hm...

    Yeah, these quotes make me think otherwise. XD

    Second part once again I like Jake and Kysa's interaction there. Jake is rude for only laughing at his friend. :p Also, something tells me the fall Kysa had is much more than a mere one because I'm thinking how this "ripple effect" will have something to do with actions. Maybe Kysa has something to do with the skateboard and not Brad? XD

    ...Okay, first time I think it's Brad that has something to do with the skateboard, and now I'm thinking it's Kysa. I think I'm confusing myself here. XD;

    Third part I'm actually a bit shock Kysa is okay with Naomi smoking while the two were having dinner. I know I wouldn't want my dad to smoke right in my face while I eat dinner .XD; Not much is known about Naomi except she's probably a nurse and (the mention of transplant makes me think that) and she smokes. However, I think she too should be an interesting character when she gets move development as the story progresses.

    Last parts real quick I'm wondering if Kristina is Kris from the prologue. I want to say yes because Kris/Kristin/Kristina are all the same concerning names, but at the same time Kris from prologue is different from Kristina from this chapter. Correct me on this. ^^;

    Well, not much action going on here like you said, but I had fun trying to figure out the clues. XD; Can't wait for next chapter!
     
  14. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    Hey Bay =D I'm backzors.

    Sorry, I just had to laugh at some of those. The skateboard moving itself XD Nah, it was just gravity. Brad isn't great at keeping thoughts in his head. Good to see you're thinking about it though, and I'm not saying if any of those are right =P

    Yes, the same Kris/Kristin. Did I accidentally put Kristina somewhere? Oops. I tried to keep Kris similar to her first appearance, but with a time jump everyone's bound to change a bit.

    Glad you had fun =) I'll work on the next one once I've gotten some sleep and a shower.


    Guys, just because I'm away, doesn't mean you shouldn't review =) I'm still new at this and I need some help.
     
  15. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    >> Chapter Three

    Kysa woke up and the room was spinning. He sat up quickly, but tumbled to the carpet. After a moment of breathlessly staring at the ceiling in the dark, he grabbed the bed and pushed himself up.

    He stumbled to the door and opened it. The floor lurched dangerously as he staggered along the wall.

    Wiping the sweat off his forehead, Kysa felt the cool wall against his shoulder through his damp shirt. He stood there for a moment, breathing heavily.

    With great effort, he stumbled into the bathroom and fell to his knees before the toilet.

    The muscles in his stomach suddenly all tightened and he heaved out a breath. Kysa grabbed the edge of the toilet as he felt something slowly moving up in his throat.

    Brown liquid gushed from his mouth, and he felt each small chunk pass his lips. He gasped for air, and spat out what was left in his mouth. The floor tiles were cool as he slid to the floor for a moment, but he suddenly grabbed for the toilet and threw up again.

    With no clock, Kysa had no idea of the passage of time. He would hurl occasionally, sink back to the floor and wait for what felt like hours. His clothes were saturated in sweat and his head pounded in rhythm with his pulse. No energy remained to move more than the few centimetres required to throw up.

    As he moved towards the toilet bowl again, he dimly heard footsteps in the hallway. A moment later, a tousle-haired Naomi walked in with a white dressing gown wrapped around her. She glanced at her son on the floor, vomiting.

    "Morning sickness?" she asked with a yawn. After a moment, she raised one eyebrow. "Oh wait..."

    He moved his lips, but only produced a wheeze. With a click, light flooded the room and he squeezed his eyes shut with a grunt.

    The room returned to darkness, as Naomi appeared by Kysa's side. She felt his forehead, "I knew you hadn't been feeling well, but I wasn't expecting it to get to this. And there's no way you're blaming it on the lasagna we had last week." Kysa smiled weakly.

    Naomi pulled his arm around her shoulders, and they both struggled to stand. "Come on, you can do it," she said as they staggered down the hallway.

    "I'll go get you some water - and a bucket," Naomi added as they reached Kysa's bed.

    He lay in the dark, breathing heavily and scratching his left arm.

    When Naomi returned a few minutes later, his arm was bright red. "Hey, don't do that," she chided.

    Kysa sipped some water and barely avoided throwing up again as Naomi left the dark room again. After a minute she returned, almost tripping on a stray shoe.

    "Leave it alone," she repeated. Kysa continued to scratch rapidly until Naomi caught his wrist. First she applied some white cream, making Kysa flinch, and then she began bandaging his arms up to the elbow. He tried to shake her off, but she worked steadily.

    Just as she finished, a mechanical ring filled the house. "I'll get it. Stay there, and try not to scratch," Naomi told him as she stood up.

    He barely heard what she said. The pounding in his head was getting worse, the room was starting to feel like an oven and he still tried to claw at his arms through the bandages.

    "That was work; I have to go in today. But, since it's a weekend, Kris is free so I called her to come over." She gently stroked his hair. "You'll be fine in a couple of days."

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    Rachel stood by the coffee machine as the liquid caffeine dripped into her cup. She sighed with relief as she took a sip. Her watch read 04:32.

    She slowly walked to a short glass table in the middle of the room and placed her cup on it. The table was surrounded by a collection of comfy chairs that Rachel could swear were calling her name.

    With a loud sigh, she slumped into one of the chairs and closed her eyes for a moment. Reluctantly, she opened them again and drank more of her coffee.

    Rachel's chestnut hair was starting to slip from its hair tie and into her face. She wearily brushed it away. Her loose blue pants and top were crumpled, and there were a couple of dried drops of blood on her sleeve.

    Outside the door of the nurse's lounge the hallway was dimly lit, while all the other rooms were dark. It was rather peaceful, with not another person stirring within fifty metres.

    Crossing to the fridge in the corner, Rachel extracted a half-eaten packet of chocolate biscuits. Her eyes lit up like a pair of blue Christmas lights as she took two and returned the rest to the fridge.

    She sat happily devouring the biscuits, until a beeping sound came from the pager at her waist. "Oh what?" she complained, and glanced at the message.

    Her eyes widened, and she leapt to her feet. In an instant she was out of the room and sprinting towards the elevator.

    It seemed to take forever to reach the fourth floor, and Rachel was rather anxious. She'd never been paged by the Emergency Department before, so it had to be something important.

    She emerged into chaos.

    A handful of doctors and nurses were rushing around, and four beds were being wheeled from the opposite elevators. The occupants were covered in blood, while one was being resuscitated by a young male paramedic. His green uniform was coated in blood.

    "You're from the burns unit upstairs, right?" Another nurse in her late twenties, about Rachel's own age, walked up to her. She envied the woman's immaculately straight, long brown hair.

    "Yeah," Rachel replied. Even with four patients potentially dying nearby, she couldn't help but feel excited.

    "We've got a nasty crash here. Four from one car, and they're still cutting the other driver free. Listen, we've got our hands full, a few people called in sick. Can you go through the list over there and get in anyone you can?" She pointed towards the reception desk, where a clipboard sat beside the phone. "Oh, and get rid of that biscuit."

    Rachel suddenly realised she was still holding one of the chocolate biscuits, and hurriedly stuffed it into her mouth. She grabbed the phone and put her finger next to the first name. "Samuels..."

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    The sound of a door slamming jolted Kysa from his fitful sleep.

    A minute later, his bedroom light blazed to life. He flinched and cried out in pain. "Oh, sorry," came a voice from the doorway. "You don't look so good," Kris commented.

    In the dim light, he could make out she was wearing track pants and a shirt, but not what colour they were. Kysa rolled over to face the wall, not saying anything.

    "Here," she said, closer than he'd thought. Turning back over, Kysa saw she was holding out two small grey tablets. He pointed at the bucket of vomit.

    She put a glass of water next to his bed, but continued to hold the tablets. "They might not be pleasant now, but they'll help in the long run."

    He laughed, which dissolved into a cough. "Not very encouraging."

    "Was it meant to be?" she asked as she firmly placed the smooth capsules in his hand. "Your mum said you were just a bit sick..." Kris trailed off as she looked at Kysa, then the bucket.

    "She never believes I'm very sick." He frowned and sat up, reaching for the glass of water.

    Kris stood and watched him as he swallowed, and clenched his teeth to keep it down. She waited until he lay back down before she spoke. "So you've got light sensitivity, vomiting, headache, itching, hot and cold flushes, fever... Anything else?"

    "The floor is...moving?"

    "And cue the hallucination," she murmured under her breath. "I know I'll sound like your mother, but I'm pretty sure you'll be over it in a few days."

    "You know, you're like my sister Kris," Kysa rasped.

    She raised an eyebrow, stuffing her hands into her pockets.

    He looked up at her and giggled. "So can you give me the cake on your head?"

    Kris snorted and left the room.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    A young woman walked into the car park and put on a big smile. Her hair was in a neat ponytail, the same colour as her black pencil skirt, and ran smoothly down the back of her pale blouse. The smile didn't reach her long, thin eyes, but lit up the rest of her olive face in a practised fashion.

    "Hello and welcome to Memento Corp! My name is Serena and I am your tour guide for today. Is everyone ready?"

    Nods and murmurs of agreement spread through the group of about twenty people gathered before her.

    "Perfect, please follow me." She smiled again, and gestured towards the door behind her.

    It belonged to a towering silver building that shot into the sky. There were rows of windows on each level, each shining brightly with reflected sunlight. At the very top stood a glass dome, but it was impossible to see what was inside from the ground.

    The group entered into the cool foyer. Their footsteps echoed through the open ground floor, sparsely furnished aside from a large desk in the middle of the space and the elevators against the far wall.

    As each person entered, they looked down at the large writing on the tiles before them. Serena waited until the group was all inside, and then pointed at the writing. "'Memento Corp - Remember the name, you'll see us again.' That is our motto, because our products are literally everywhere. Many are marketed by our subsidiaries, so you will probably see us a lot more often than you think."

    Her heels clicked on the floor as she walked to the desk. She returned with a small basket of cards on vibrant blue lanyards.

    "These are your passes for today. Do not lose them, or you will not be able to get out. I will collect them at the conclusion of our tour." Her own pale yellow pass was clipped to the pocket of her blouse.

    Each person scanned their pass as they slowly entered the large elevator. Reflections covered the shiny metallic walls of the collection of tourists. In the back corner clustered half a dozen Asian men talking excitedly in another language, while the other occupants remained mostly silent.

    It only took the elevator a few seconds to move up to the next floor. Serena was instantly in the corridor, motioning for the others to follow her.

    The tourists all followed her quietly along the cheery yellow carpet. A black and white pattern adorned the walls, with the occasional large number one in the middle.

    "This particular site is mostly used for the development and testing of electronic systems. Things from televisions to aeroplane hardware. However, in partnership with a local university we also devote a substantial portion of our building to a biological research laboratory."

    A murmur of conversation broke through the group as they nodded with contemplative expressions.

    "There are many other buildings like this one throughout the country, and also some overseas. However, we are proud to have begun right here, in Australia."

    "Excuse me," a male voice with an American twang interjected, "how much will we be allowed to see of this place?"

    Serena nodded and smiled at the blonde teenager. "Unfortunately we are unable to show you most areas because of potential danger to yourselves, or disruption to the employees. However, all guests are shown the electronic testing room, which I'm sure you'll agree is the best part of the building. Any more questions?"

    A short, red-haired woman in a floral dress cleared her throat. "Where are the bathrooms?" she asked.

    "They are just at the end of this hallway, madam. We will stop for a few minutes then proceed to one of the development rooms." Serena walked with her chin up and neat, measured steps. As they reached a small room, she automatically walked to the corner and pointed at the entrances to the toilets.

    Most of those who remained outside with her sat down on blue plastic chairs arranged along the wall. They talked among themselves for a few minutes.

    As the last young woman let the door swing shut behind her, Serena straightened her skirt and walked to another hallway.

    The group slowly progressed along the unchanging carpet and past the repeating wallpaper. Their guide led them confidently though the maze without a false step. An occasional door dotted the hallway, but they were all securely closed with card scanners on the doorframe.

    "And here we have one of our development rooms. Feel free to look around and ask questions. In an hour I will return and we will move to the cafeteria for a complementary lunch, then on to the highlight of the tour."

    Swiping her card, Serena opened the double doors wide, and all the tourists excitedly poured in. When they were all inside, she let the smile drop from her face and let out a breath of relief.

    "Tourists..." she muttered.

    >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

    Well, read and review if you get a chance. Let me know you're there =)
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
  16. Diddy

    Diddy Renegade

    Fwee :3

    This, oddly, reminded me of Heroes. You know, because there are all these seemingly normal people living seemingly separate lives and yet there is something linking them all together.

    It has the feeling that something's going to blow up and throw these people together.

    I'm enjoying it so far, I have my suspicions about what's significant and what isn't so I'll have to keep my eye on this ;D
     
  17. SerenadeSP

    SerenadeSP My Loyal Feraligatr

    I just started reading this fic on Saturday and I have to say I love it. Your detail is amazing and you handle all your characters beautifully. If you have a PM list, put me on it!

    I agree with Diddy on the 'single link throwing these people together' idea. I'm guessing it's directly related to Kysa's illness.

    Speaking of his illness, I should mention that I read Chapter 3 right before I went out to dinner. XD

    Can't wait to read more.
     
  18. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Oh hey I is reviewing now.

    I like how the story has continued from here - all of the characters are remaining interesting, and like Diddy and all I also have that feeling that they're all going to be interlinked all the more (at least some of them anyways). You're setting them up well and giving us a good feel for them, and I feel it's the strongest point of the story.

    The level of writing is quite good here IMO - I in particular liked the change of atmosphere with the beginning of the last chapter with the sickness and all - yikes. Good description especially helped there. Overall you're doing pretty well thus far. =)

    I'm unsure about the use of 'glaring' - it fits in but IMO something like gleaming or dazzling, etc would work just a bit better.
    'take it easy at' sounds a bit odd to me to be spoken to me - not sure if the 'at' is really needed there.
    Last sentence seems to be worded awkwardly - fixed by replacing the 'but' by a comma, methinks.
    I don't believe the commas there is necessary (correct me if I am wrong but they seems to just create unnecessary pauses).
    Add in that comma before 'mum' as she's being referred to by a name of sorts.
    And this comma I feel works better as a full stop.
    I'm unsure about this, but should chemistry actually be capitalised if he's referring to it as the name of the subject itself (e.g. Maths) or not? Might need some looking into...
    This sentence sounds a bit odd to start the chapter... a bit over-simplified, IMO. Maybe something like 'Kysa woke up only to see the room spinning.' ?
    Missing a quotation mark at the beginning there.
    I feel the last part here could just be joined together with the rest of the paragraph - see no reason for it to be separated as is.
    XD I liked this ending to the chapter there with a good old 'tourists' joke.

    So far so good - keep it up!
     
  19. Pkmn Breeder Jack

    Pkmn Breeder Jack Static owns you.

    Dang it Zadros, how did I not see this before? I hadn't realized you started posting this already!

    Not much criticism I can think of. Everything seems so good. Worded nicely, decent description, the whole nine yards. I do love the aussie-ness of the whole thing though. I believe biscuits are what Americans would call cookies? And I call them shopping carts, but trolley is a funny word to me for some reason. I like it. XD

    But honestly, this is amazing. It's one of my favorite styles of writing to read. You take several characters that have nothing to do with each other, have them meet at one time or another and later on, hopefully, it all snowballs into something epic. I love it.

    Now, for my speculations. I don't like Kris or her gray tablets. There's something sketchy about them. And I don't like how this science lab building place these tourists are at sounds. I sense some morally gray experiments going on.

    That's all for now. If you have a PM list, add me add me add me, I can't wait for more. XD
     
  20. Zadros

    Zadros Incorrigible slacker

    Yo Didds =) I'll wait to see you reveal you suspicions, and maybe give you some more.


    Thanks, SerenadeSP =D You never know, some of them might never come together at all... Hope you didn't have any difficulty holding onto your dinner XD

    And consider yourself added.


    Cheers bobandbill, thanks for all the the grammar fixes too. I wasn't able to get a hold of a beta for that one. Tourists jokes? Of course =)


    Haha, yes Jack, biscuits are cookies. I almost put Tim Tams, but that would have caused a bit of confusion XD To be honest, I never thought about most of the word differences while I was writing it...

    Thanks =) My total chapter summary for I think ch. 24 is 'something epic happens' so I'll try to stick to that. Speculations I will leave for you to see. Except the tourists got eaten off cam- nah XD
     

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