1. We have moved to a new forum system. All your posts and data should have transferred over. Welcome, to the new Serebii Forums. Details here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders
    Dismiss Notice

The Rookie's Handbook to Conspiracy Theory

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by purple_drake, Sep 30, 2009.

  1. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    A/N: So, here we are. Maybe a bit early, but then I did say 'by the end of the month'. ^^; Slight crossover with the TV show Numb3rs, but only in the sense that Ian Edgerton isn't an OC; given that this is set about fifteen years before that series begins, there's no background info needed. I disclaim him, is all.

    This fic is rated M for excessive and severe swearing; if God's name being taken in vain disturbs you, then you should probably leave.

    Finally, massive thanks to IC Ghost for the beta.


    Part 1: A Step-by-Step Guide To MacGyvering A Black Hawk

    February, 1991


    ‘“Rangers lead the way”, they say, “Rangers lead the way”. Well, not without a ’Stalker to take ’em places, they fucking don’t!’

    Ian’s mouth rose at the corner as he listened to the grumpy stream of words coming from somewhere behind him. ‘Are you unhappy with our position, Sparky?’ he asked in a low, deadpan voice, enough to carry to his friend and no further. The swarthy man was prone at the top of a dune, in the lee of half a building’s weathered ruin and covered in a dust-colored tarp. Chances were there was no one near enough to hear, but the desert tended to carry sound well.

    He heard a rustle of movement but didn’t need to turn to know that Sparky was giving him a one-fingered salute, and he chuckled silently. A second later, his friend’s deep voice drifted to him once again.

    ‘An’ if you call me that again, Eagle-Eye, I’ll fucking shoot you myself and say it was enemy fire.’

    ‘If you say so.’ Captain Ian Edgerton scanned the twilit horizon, his night-vision scope making every shadow and dip in the sand eerily green, and spotted distant movement on a ridge. He couldn’t see whose people it was, similar as the uniforms were at this distance, though they were too far from the Humvee wreck to have been the infantry riding it—though if anyone had survived they’d be long gone by now.

    He told Sparky anyway, murmuring across the small sandy basin in which his friend’s downed helo rested. His news was received with a curse.

    ‘I’m workin’ as fast as I damn well can, Ian.’

    ‘Then you clearly need more incentive.’ If the people on the distant ridge came much nearer, he’d have it for certain.

    ‘You’re askin’ me to MacGyver a fucking Black Hawk, Eagle-Eye, but I ain’t got the parts to put her back together again!’

    Ian knew nothing about helicopters, but he knew that was something he didn’t want to hear. He’d been looking forward to get out of the damned desert. If he hadn’t signaled them for extraction Sparky wouldn’t have been downed and his co-pilot killed by the machinegun-fire that took them, but he’d still have needed to be picked up before his recon, such as it was, was any use. Hindsight screws with everyone.

    ‘Can we walk it?’

    He knew the answer already, so wasn’t surprised by the snort which answered him.

    ‘Without the Princess, between the cold and the insurgents we marked prowling around—and shooting us down—we’d never make the distance on foot.’

    ‘So we find the parts.’

    ‘In the middle of the desert, Eagle-Eye? Good luck with that!’

    ‘You need to look down more often when you’re flying, Sparky.’ Ian’s crosshairs traveled over the sand, finding and marking the ruined Humvee once again. ‘I can see a wreck within distance of here.’

    A beat of silence. ‘Really?’

    ‘I realize you had other things on your mind while you crashed, Sparky, but didn’t you wonder why your Humvee tail never picked us up?’

    Another beat. ‘Fuck. I’d hoped they just got distracted by the skirmish up north.’

    He was talking about the one the other Black Hawks on patrol had been drawn by. Ian had lost his radio to the effects of sand hours ago, so hearing the sound of Black Hawks heading past his location (due for extracting someone else, according to Sparky) had been a godsend—soon turned to disaster when they were marked while at a standstill to let him up. The lieutenant’s radio had gone when he was shot down, so the only grace for rescue was for one of the other Nightstalkers to call it in, but with the fighting going on nearby they were more likely to be listed MIA before anyone could recon the area. And by then they’d more likely to be found by the insurgents themselves. Not a good situation.

    ‘Sorry, Sparky. It’s north-west, maybe two hundred yards; doesn’t look in too bad a shape, but I haven’t seen any movement. If someone was there they walked away from it.’ Or were forced to. There might not be much left there to scavenge.

    ‘That close, huh.’ Sparky’s voice was guarded, and Ian knew he was thinking similar thoughts. He sighed. ‘Keep an eye on me, eh?’

    ‘Don’t fall in any dust puddles and I’ll see what I can do.’

    A responding grunt; then there was the sound of movement from behind him and, as Ian put his eye back to the scope, he saw at its corner the shadow that was Lieutenant Marcus Surge creep off into the dunes.

    Marcus skidded down the gravelly slope with a curse, hands grazing the dirt and ankle wrenching slightly. Night had fallen properly, as opposed to the twilight it had been when he set out. He and Ian could survive for a while with the emergency supplies from the Princess, but he didn’t put much stock in the ability to survive if the Iraqis came on them and the main force was too far back to rely on a timely rescue. The Rangers and the Nightstalkers generally scouted the front together but it risked leaving them cut off if the enemy managed to separate their patrol lines. Like now.

    On the plus side—sort of—the Humvee’s wreck lay at the base of the dune. Smoke still wisped around it, but to Marcus’s relief it looked like its tires had been taken out by machinegun-fire rather than an RPG. The bullet holes trailed up the side and to the front—hence the smoke—but the wreck was in good shape otherwise and probably still had most of its engine.

    It was only when he was circling it, cautiously and with his hand on his side-arm, that he smelled the blood and saw, in the beam of his penlight, the red spatter on the metal sides. At least one person had been caught inside it when it was attacked. He paused, taking a shallow breath through his mouth, and went to the door.

    A few moments later he came back around to the far side, where the dune sloped back down towards the one he’d crested just a few minutes ago, tucking a dog-tag into his pocket and waving off a few bugs. He slumped down against one of the Humvee’s wheels to rest for a spell, putting his head back against the rubber and wishing vaguely for a cigarette. The area was clear, as far as he could see, and when he’d looked in the vehicle he’d seen that most of the supplies inside had been looted already, which meant that the men who’d survived the attack had already been captured. The Humvee itself was still in one piece, battle damage notwithstanding, and hadn’t been picked apart by salvagers yet.

    His stomach rumbled, and he grimaced. Food hadn’t been the first thing on his mind when he crashed, or even the second thing, but now that he’d stopped he was reminded that the last time he’d had a chance to eat was that morning. The only thing he had on him was an energy bar; it would suffice, but he’d have to eat quickly.

    He was maybe halfway through the bar when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye and tensed, his head snapping around and spare hand falling on the butt of his sidearm. He caught a glimpse of yellow or brown just before it vanished beneath the meager space beneath the Humvee’s carriage (sunk into the sand as it was) and let out a breath.

    Some kinda rodent.

    He went back to eating, keeping his eyes alert and his ears perked.

    ‘pipipi …’

    Slowly his head turned, and he blinked. Standing upright beside the Humvee was a yellow rat of truly horrendous size. It may have been more disturbing if he was sure it actually was a rat, given that it was topped by two long, brown-tipped ears, like a rabbit’s, or the fact that its slightly kinked tail was furry, rather than hairless like a normal rat’s, or the nearly clown-ish red circles of—skin?—on its cheeks. He was struggling to decide if it really was a rat, or a rabbit, or some hideous cross-breed, and trying to remember whether there had been any nuclear testing in Kuwait (because he was damn well staring at some kind of mutant) when its ears twitched. That was when he realized that one of them was hanging lower than the other, fur matted red.

    It was wounded.

    And eyeing off his energy bar.

    ‘Chuuuuu …’ it whimpered, the sound utterly pathetic as it hunched in on itself, and he glimpsed the thin ribs in its scrawny sides. If he didn’t know any better he’d think the thing was deliberately trying to scam some food from him, but it was a fucking mutant rat, and a starving, injured one at that; of course it looked pathetic.

    Marcus never had been one to kick a downed dog. With a resigned sigh he tore a decent hunk off his bar and tossed at the animal. Its nose twitched and it came down on all fours, sniffing for the food while keeping a wary eye on him. He expected it retreat back under the Humvee as soon as it had the food in paw; instead it just plopped itself down with a grunt and started to eat.

    Marcus blinked again and made a mental note to research nuclear testing in Kuwait before going back to what was left of his meal. They must have cut an interesting scene, he thought ruefully as he clicked off his light; man and mutant rat, sharing a meager dinner in companionable silence beside the wreck of a war-torn Humvee.

    When he was done he just sat quietly for a few minutes, tucking the bar’s wrapper back into a pocket and watching the rat sniff the loose ground for any crumbs before licking off its paws. It was kinda cute, he had to admit, in a scrawny, underfed sort of way. He’d have added ‘oversized’, but it wasn’t, really. It was bigger than any rat he’d seen but the wrong shape in build for a rabbit or hare, and yet despite its size the size didn’t look unnatural on it.

    Maybe it’s just some undiscovered species. He was in the middle of nowhere.

    In any case, he’d wasted enough time, so he heaved himself to his feet, staying low, and checked his surroundings before pulling a knife and carefully prying up the wrecked Humvee’s hood. He needed to stand to see into it, to assess the damage and see if there was anything he could salvage to repair the Black Hawk with, but he stuck to the side and kept low to present less of a target.

    Minutes passed. He managed to pry several things loose—wires, bolts, connective ports—to take back with him. The main problem was power; the helo’s battery was buggered all to hell. And so, he saw as he reached in and pulled it out at last, was the Humvee’s.

    Fuck. He dropped his hand and let his head droop to his arm with a thud. Without power, they couldn’t move. Without power, the Princess was dead, and there was no chance anyone would come back to salvage her even if they made it back on foot.


    The shrill cry made his head jerk up and instinctively he threw himself to the side as the over-loud rattle of gunfire cut the night. Sparks rained down on him as bullets impacted the steel side of the Humvee; heart pounding, he covered his head and crawled away as fast as he could, his fingers groped for his sidearm.

    The machinegun-fire stopped and he pushed himself up. Drawing his Glock, he aimed it in the direction of the attack in a smooth motion and prayed that sand hadn’t jammed it.

    He only got two shots off before there was movement to his side and he ducked. The butt of a machinegun glanced off the back of his head and for a pain-filled moment the world spun around him; he tried to stand and lurched, falling against the Humvee.

    Shaking off the disorientation, he looked up at two figures shadowed by the night and packing those annoying AK47s. His sidearm was still in his hand and he raised it automatically, but what the fuck could a 9 mil do against a couple of assault rifles?

    Movement beside him made him flinch away; a weight bounded off his knee and a small shape hurtled at the men. He had time for a brief, hysterical note to himself never to feed an energy bar to a mutant rat again, because it apparently made them rabid, when the air was lit with a bolt of electricity, scored by the shriek of a suddenly frightening beast and the screams of dying men.

    Silence fell. Marcus sat up slowly, blinking against the after-image burned into his retinas and breathing through his mouth to ward off the unmistakable smell of burned flesh. For a moment he was suspended, dazed, in time—then a small hopping figure appeared on his knee.


    He flinched and jerked away, shaking the thing off him and pointing his gun at it as it hit the sand with a grunt.

    What the fuck is this thing?!

    His hand still shaking slightly with adrenaline, he stared, white-faced, at the mutant rat past the barrel of his gun. It picked itself up, looking irritated—could mutant rats look irritated?—the round fur-less patches on its cheeks still sparking slightly and looking redder than they had before. For a moment they stared at each other, Marcus’s brain turning over frantically.

    It saved me.

    Twice: first by warning him that there was someone behind him and then by electrocuting the two enemy soldiers. Electrocuting them. The fucking thing could generate electricity.

    … wait, what?

    He didn’t get a chance to follow that thought through but it didn’t matter anyway because it had pretty much burst fully-formed into his head. In the same instant the night air carried the sound of foreign shouts to him; without a thought he was on his feet, jamming the gun back into its holster and snatching up his penlight and the meagre, scattered pile of parts before turning back to the rat. It wasn’t standing in the sand where he’d left it, and for a moment his heart fluttered and he panicked; then—


    —he saw it perched on the edge of the Humvee, tail and ears twitching and haloed by static.

    Oh fuck no, he ain’t wasting whatever charge he has left before he powers my Princess!

    With his spare hand he snatched the rat up by the scruff of its neck, unable to restrain a yelp of pain—echoed by the rat’s grunt of surprise—as his fingers twinged with static. Then, tucking the wriggling rat beneath his arm, he turned and sprinted (staggered) off into the night, wondering when the fuck he was gonna wake up in some Iraqi’s cell and how he was gonna explain a mutant, electricity-generating rat/rabbit hybrid to Ian.

    Ian scanned the dunes with his rifle, the night-scope tingeing everything a brighter green than it had in the twilight. He could still see Marcus’s figure moving towards the Humvee and kept his sights on the lieutenant, but there wasn’t much good keeping an eye on him if he didn’t see trouble coming beforehand. Best if he could keep it from reaching the other man at all.

    He shivered, then steadied his slightly-trembling hands; a chill had fallen with the night, and although the sniper still had his gear from his recon trip it was still damned cold. He hoped Marcus kept moving; the sand will have retained some heat for the journey to the wreck, but most of that would be gone by the time he came back.

    Movement captured his attention, just tipping a sand dune not far from the wreck—Marcus had vanished, but Ian could see a beam of light flickering intermittently around the basin where he was. Ian trained his sight on the motion to the side, keeping his breathing even and hands steady. They weren’t allies, he could see; their clothes weren’t uniforms as much as mismatched clothes pretending to be so, and their hair and faces—what he could see of them—were distinctly Middle Eastern. They were frighteningly close to Marcus, but they weren’t getting any closer … for the moment.

    He switched his view to Marcus once again, and his gut chilled at the sight of a group of figures creeping up on the wreck—and the beam of light was steady, indicating that Marcus hadn’t seen them.

    He didn’t really think about it; a moment after this realization he had a target in his sight and caressed the trigger. There was no gunshot, his rifle silenced as it was; he was a scout, there was no point in advertising his presence with noise. He almost regretted it now—what the hell was Sparky doing?!

    A distant figure fell. He chambered another round, finding and downing a second target, and then a third, when the final two reached the wreck and took unknowing refuge in its shelter. The sound of gunfire hit the night, followed by the sound of a 9 mil. Ian was still searching for contact when a sudden white burst burned his night-scope green and staticky, and he pulled away with a bitten-off oath, blinking rapidly against the residual shapes lingering before his vision.

    When it had cleared he was back on the sight, and his jaw tensed; the group over the dune were shouting, moving toward the wreck. When he flashed across to it he was relieved to see a figure in full sprint toward the helo.

    The crosshairs drifted back towards the dune, and grimly he chambered a round and rested his finger on the trigger.

    Marcus heard them first. He didn’t bother to look around, knew better than to; he just trained his eyes on the stars he’d used to mark Ian and the Princess’s location once night fell and kept going. The mutant rat was stuffed down the front of his flightsuit to make it easier for him to run, the animal some weird tumor of heat at his chest.

    He never actually heard the warning shout, the one which would tell him they’d seen him, but he marked it when one of their voices cut off suddenly and was followed by angry and panicked yells. He grinned viciously.

    That’s Eagle-Eye for ya.

    He crested a dune and found himself looking down on the sleek black figure of his Black Hawk; he couldn’t see Ian, but then the man’s low voice came from somewhere to his left, near a crumbling line of bricks.

    ‘Nice of you to join me.’

    ‘Shaddup,’ Marcus growled in response, skidding down the dune and nearly colliding with the Princess’s hull.

    ‘Don’t take your time, Sparky,’ Ian warned, echoed by the faint chambering of a round, but Marcus just grunted in reply, scrambling into the cockpit and, ignoring the body of his co-pilot still strapped into the chair, dropping to where the helo’s engine was spilled across the floor. He worked quickly, removing the blown battery and rerouting everything so none of it would blow (hopefully) once they were in the air. He couldn’t hear any more shouts, only the faint click as Ian chambered round after round and the slight whoosh as he fired.

    Funny, y’always think these things will be loud.

    And then it was: machinegun-fire ripped at the top of the dune, and Marcus flinched in surprise, hoping it had missed his Ranger friend—confirmed when, in a lull, he heard the click of the sniper rifle. Hastily he unzipped his flightsuit and yanked the mutant rat out of its impromptu nest by the scruff of its neck. For a moment it blinked at him sleepily; then it yawned.


    Marcus didn’t really have time to be incredulous, but he managed it anyway—the fucking thing fell asleep!—as he taped wires to the rat’s cheeks and set it down in the cramped hollow he’d made for it. Considering how charged the animal was, he ran the risk of overpowering half the engine, but he didn’t have any other choice. It shook its head uncomfortably, probing at the wires with some expression which might have been a frown—if mutant rats could have expressions.

    ‘Okay, rat,’ he breathed, and poked it. ‘Do your sparking thing, we gotta get outta here.’

    It tilted its head, and once again Marcus had the vague sense that it knew he was trying to communicate something and was trying to figure out what.

    Marcus growled and poked the rat again—and again—and it scowled (there was no other word for it), ears flicking irritably and cheeks sparking. For a moment there was a whir in the engine and the rat jumped, sparking again in alarm and making the engine hum a second time.

    ‘Go on, that’s it,’ Marcus said, relieved, and poked it again on the belly, but more gently this time. The rat looked at him, surrounded by a definite air of confusion.


    ‘Yes, c’mon!’ Another poke.

    Marcus wasn’t sure what did it. Maybe it was his tone of voice; he used to have a couple of dogs who never responded to his words as much as his tone, and right now his tone was relieved and encouraging whenever the damn rat sparked for him. Or maybe it just got annoyed enough with his poking. Or maybe—and Marcus couldn’t shake this feeling, no matter how much he told himself that surely animals couldn’t really understand the urgent complexity of a situation like this—but there was something so very intelligent in its eyes that he thought that, maybe, it understood the situation after all.

    Whatever the reason, it sparked again, and this time didn’t stop, a low hum of a grunt coming from it and its face screwing up as it concentrated, sitting on the metal floor. The helo’s engine turned over, its rotors starting to spin, and Marcus hastily replaced the side—loosely—to protect him from stray static. He heaved himself into his chair, snatching up his helmet and strapping himself in. He could barely hear the sound of shouts outside, his fingers flying over the console, but he couldn’t miss the pounding of the wall behind him that he hoped was Ian signaling he was in and not an Iraqi deciding to massacre his Princess.

    Marcus didn’t hesitate; the helicopter rose into the air, lurching and lumbering and not at all graceful or steady, spinning in the direction of the UN’s collective forces to the vain symphony of machinegun-fire behind it.

    To be continued in Part 2: Five Reasons Why Mutant Rats Don't Belong On A Military Base
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2009
  2. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    I looked forward to it from the preview and the full thing didn't disappoint. It pulls you in, makes you feel the tension going on and shows a pretty realistic scenario of a real-world soldier finding a Pokémon out in the desert - as realistic as you can get with that, anyway. It would probably be fun to know the character from Numbers, but it works fine without that, too.

    I really enjoyed how you portrayed the Pikachu, especially; it's has an amusing personality already despite being a mute non-POV animal. Its goofy sort of nonchalance gives it a comedic contrast with Surge fearing for his life. Emotions are generally well done, and the writing is stellar throughout.

    The second part sounds quite fun from the title. xP I'll be looking forward to when you post it.
  3. Diddy

    Diddy Renegade

    That was really good. And that's from coming into this thread with the knowledge that you wrote it, so my hopes were pretty high to begin with.

    Anyway, I'd foremost like to say that I love Numb3rs. I think the 3 is supposed to be there. Who'd of thought Math + Crime would work?

    Next, I'd like to comment on the setting and the environment, not seen much anything to do with war etc and stuff like that, not anything modern anyway. And it was a refreshing change, you got the feeling of their hurry to get out of enemy waters, as it were. The emotions came across very well, especially in the scene with Surge and the 'chu, beginning of a beautiful friendship?

    I'll keep an eye on the next chapter :p
  4. Bay


    This is what I imagine Lt. Surge is seeing if we think this through as more real life instead of animation:


    Beware of the mutant chu! XD;

    Anyways, wanna say this is a really cool story you got so far. I really like modern war movies (Black Hawk Down, Platoon, Jarhead, Saving Private Ryan are my favorites), so this didn't disappoint. :p Very interesting you have it set at the first Iraq war and love the setting and the situations you put here.

    Emotions and interactions you did quite well. Love Lt. Surge and "Eagle Eye" Ian's interaction. (great, now you're making me think of the movie Eagle Eye XD; ) Reminds me a lot of how the soldiers in the war movies I mention interact: hating the mission they're dragged in now and joking around with each other while walking. :p Lt. Surge and Pikachu you did well too. You didn't overdo Lt. Surge's reaction when he first saw the Pokemon and the attacks. Yeah, I too wonder if it has to do with Kuwait. XD

    A couple other things, though. One, seems to be no reaction from Surge when Ian called him Sparky (nice nickname for him, by the way :p ) the second time. I thought that's odd, but that's probably just me. Second, maybe it's just me, but did Ian realized Surge was using a mutant to jumpstart the helicopter. XD;

    Overall though, lovin' this a lot. :3 Can't wait for Part Two!
  5. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    Dragonfree: Hee, thanks. ^^ Glad it didn't disappoint. I never really intended it to be a crossover, either, per se; it's just that I tend to play with the borders of a world by mentally crossing it with other fandoms, without taking the crossover seriously. Somehow Ian and Surge became friends in my mind, and, given that it works within the broad constraints of both canons, after a while I couldn't separate them. So that's why another fandom's character is there. XD;

    The pikachu was odd, actually. I wasn't thinking about his personality at all as I was writing; he's probably one of the things I thought about least. And yet he turned out to be one of the things that was most fun to write. Go figure.

    Diddy: ... Should I take that as a confession to closet reading? XD;; Thanks~

    Woot, another Numb3rs fan! \o/ Yeah, I wasn't sure if the 3 was actually copyrighted as part of the name or if it was just a quirk they sometimes used in the title. It does look odd without it though.

    ... Is it sad that one of my favourite characters from a show about the use of math in criminal investigations is an ex-army sniper who isn't even a regular, and the other is an ex-army investigator-turned-triple-agent?

    Yeah, Surge is the probably main candidate for modern warfare fics in Pokemon ... Blackjack's written a one-shot on it, and I remember seeing a pretty good fic on it just starting over at PC, but that was a few years ago now. It's a stance (warfare/law enforcement) I tend to be attracted to, though, so I dunno, it just seems kind of natural for me? XD;

    Heh, I think at this point Surge would object to your use of the word 'friendship'. XD

    Ta for reviewing. ^^ Psst, I'm working on a review for your barbecue fic, just ... don't expect it too soon. XD;


    I have to admit, though, that the first picture of a realistic pikachu I ever saw was a coloured version of this one, so the image in my head tends to be based off that.

    Haha, thanks. ^^ I had a friend I went to for help in researching the military backgrounds, and Black Hawk Down and Jarhead were both movies he specifically suggested I watch in preparation (the former especially since I was, for the longest time, torn between the setting of the fic being Kuwait or Somalia, though that movie's not exactly historically accurate). :p I've seen the former, but never got around to watching Jarhead (read the summary, though). Saving Private Ryan is another one I've always kind of intended to watch but never have. I grew up on M*A*S*H, Dirty Dozen and Kelly's Heroes though, as well as watching my brother and his friends play Medal of Honor, Call of Duty, SWAT, etc etc ad infinitum ... so the ground's still fairly familiar to me. All the latter series/movies are comedies, though, and I tend not to like the real gritty tragic stuff, so that might be why I haven't really watched the more modern ones. :x

    And now I'm curious to know why you find it particularly interesting that the fic's set in the first Iraq War. =3

    Woot, good to know I've got it close, then. \o/



    On the first one: (thanks, I thought it was rather appropriate XD) d'you mean in the first scene? That never occurred to me, to be honest--Ian actually does it thrice more in that scene without getting a reaction. It's a gag I use a few more times throughout the story, though, and I wouldn't want to overuse it. Plus, at that point their conversation is taking a turn for the more serious and Surge isn't so petty that he'd choose to harp on a nickname rather than figure out how to rescue themselves.

    On the second: that's a thread which gets wrapped up in the second part. =3 Not that it's a terribly important one except in terms of whether Surge is alone in this or has a confidant, so there isn't a lot of emphasis placed on it, but rest assured that it wasn't forgotten.

    ... Actually, now that I think about it the rest of the fic kind of assumes the answer but never really states it outright. *tilts head* That may or may not be a problem; you'll have to let me know.

    Thanks~ ^^ Maan, now I still have to wait a week before I can post the next one. XD;
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2009
  6. SlowCrow

    SlowCrow Fence Crow

    How to do this, how to do this...

    Well, there's no point in trying to fumble around with words until something coherent comes out, so I'm just going to say what comes to mind rather than trying to piece together an introduction. And what is on my mind also happens to be what I have to say in the "reviewing" portion of this post; go figure. <_>

    What better way to start of these series of comments than the first line itself?

    From my understanding, the headings are supposed to open up like chapters of a handbook (judging from the long title). Dates only work if the events are being recorded on a dairy or on tape, and it kind of seems off when put in a "handbook". Rather than do the worn out 'date/location' intro, I suggest that you make it sound like you're reading a handbook with a line or two to foreshadow what will happen in that chapter, along the lines of "The key to any successful MacGyver attempt is to create as much drama as possible before you can set up your equipment. The rule of thumb in doing so is to interact with your fellow conspirers as much as possible to establish a cheery environment..." or something along those lines. It's sort of a waste to make all of these fun titles and make 'em go to waste by not tying them into the content, right? :D

    First off, triple quotations?

    Secondly, why does this first line have "s for quotations while the rest just have 's? An oversight, surely.

    Heh, I think this might go over some people's heads for those not in America, but since it does have American influences, I guess its understandable.

    Firstly, I was confused here for a second when it looked like the quote ended with the quotation mark I bolded there. Maybe it's something I apparently have to get used to, but it's annoying to have apostrophes and quotation marks be the same symbol. @_@

    Secondly, that "e" isn't capitalized like the other instances of "Eagle-Eye".

    Whose talking in the later part of this line? Is it the narrator commenting or is it Ian thinking? I think a line break is in order if its the former.

    Doesn't a comma go there?

    Telling from this line, the narrator, whoever it is, seems to have a sense of humor. :p

    There's a difference between Line A and Line B; Line A being informal and using a made up verb because of it, while Line B is supposed to be formal and yet it uses an informal word. While the narrator has proved to be less than proper, it's rather jarring to see the narrator to use a word that a character used to imply what he was going to do (in this case, fix a helicopter with salvaged parts) rather than actually saying what the character meant and so suddenly go back to use a word like "present". I was expecting for it to sound like this:

    See what I mean? It sounds consistent with its formal tone now.

    Cold? Isn't this the desert? o_o

    (After later reading, it seems like it was almost sundown during this line, which is kind of important to establish if you want to put two guys out in the desert with nobody around for miles and not have the reader wonder how hot it must be.)

    Baaaaw, I was expecting for this sort of reveal to be presented in a more natural way. D:

    Isn't there some way you could have made this a little more subtle? I mean, it is the army, the narrator could have simply perused over to some sort of identification that had his full name on it rather than make it sound like Ian was the one who thinks it? Maybe it’s just me nitpicking, but still...

    Is it just me, or does it sound like this sentence switches trains of thought around there?

    Heh, there's that narrator and that odd sense of humor again. :p

    Unless it happens to be army speak, I believe the word "tires" is spelled wrong.

    Uh...how can you have "most" of an engine? Do you mean to say "most of its engine was intact", or am I missing something here? o_o

    It could be my lack of knowledge of the army, but is that sidearm a pistol or a hunting knife? Since its the first time its reffered to, I think it should be clarified.

    Tee hee, is that a Pokémon I see? :D

    And I love the next paragraph due to the fact that it makes a Pokémon fan think for a second about how some of the Pokémon's designs make no sense whatsoever; along with how hilarious it has to be for somebody who's not so accepting of their designs to take a good look at 'em. And the nuclear testing part made me laugh, along with the energy bar. XD

    And then I thought about it for a second...

    Then I laughed some more about the realization I had. You sneaky author, you! >:)

    These lines made me think:

    Two things hit me: one, you need to lay off the TV tropes, and two, how could a seemingly wild Pokémon know whatever Surge was putting in his mouth was actually food? Most animals wouldn't know what was food if humans never gave some to them, such as bears, squirles, and dogs. Dogs usually beg for table scraps if they see a human eating from a table, and the Pikachu's behavior emulates that behavior to the "T".This probably means is that the Pikachu has had exposure to humans before, as shown by how it was able to understand Surge as is powered up the Princess. The only thing that I could think of where this could possibly lead to is a plot similar to the Pokemon Special Manga (Yellow arch), where an injured Pikachu is used to backtrack its way to its original owner, who has befallen a terrible fate.

    So yeah. Speculation sprinkles for you! ^_^

    Notice how I have no comments on what happens. The reason why is that I overall liked it for the narrator's humorous comments on a somewhat awkward situation and how it flowed (except for that MacGyver instance that I already pointed to). Other than that, I don't really know what to say about it.

    Did you purposely leave out the comma in order to communicate how fast the thought came through, or was it overlooked?

    More sentences, yay.

    Anyway, my complaint about this is that these sentences are inconsistent when it comes to describing Ian's night scope. Line A has a better description for the green tint affect but refers to it simply as a "scope", while Line B has a simpler description of the tint and calls it the "night scope". This is clunky. Now, seeing how you use several references to army terms (like the Glock, the dog tags, etc.), you could have simply called the "scope" in Line A a "night scope" and reffer to it again in Line B minus the description of the green tint. The reason why is that people who are familiar with Ian's scope from Line A (or their general army knowledge) will not have to be reminded that it is the same scope in Line B if they were both called "night scope"s.

    Why couldn't we have "reminders" on what the conditions were described like this in the first third of the chapter? D:

    When did the first target get hit? o_o

    And here you nicely clean up a couple of facts that the reader may be wondering.

    "Yah" means "yes", "ya" means "you". "H" placement is important in slang, y'know. >_>

    BANG BANG BANG. I wonder if that rings any bells to the author. -__-

    And I was just about to comment about that possibility, too. Nice save on that one. ;P

    LOLWTFBBQ a whole paragraph? @_@

    I actually like this paragraph a lot for actually getting across the feeling of a revelation across even if the reader already knew what apparently happened. Rather than simply telling us Surge made a mental connection, it gives us a glimpse to the two or three flashes of thought he had to make that realization; strangely giving off the feeling of discovering. I think the last sentence is what really brings it home for me.

    As for my overall feelings of this, I don't really have anything to say that hasn't been said with other people, so feel free to rearrange the previous posts to make my conclusion. My biggest problem with this is that the chapter ended before I felt like it was over. I just hope that I didn’t come across as rude; I’m usually a joker in my posts. D:

    -________________- Kaw.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2009
  7. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    SlowCrow: \o/ I can count on one hand the number of times I've received a review this long, so thank you~! No worries about the lack of introduction, that's one of the things I find hardest about reviews too. ^^

    Well, not exactly. I chose the titles because they were fun and, in combination with a straight narrative, kind of satirical. The fic was never intended to be an actual handbook, or even a pretence of one; that would have required a completely different style altogether. Mostly it was just using a bit of humour for the titles. They do relate to the content, but subtly: something I strive towards in my fics is subtlety because it seems to me that a lot of modern movies and stories treat their readers/viewers as if they're idiots and hit them with a metaphorical anvil. So the titles relate, it's just never stated outright, and I liked the irony between the humourous titles and the straight narrative ... which, IIRC my previous thought process, was part of the point.

    As for the dates, using them as a heading in such a way is common, yes, but I wouldn't call it a 'worn out intro', exactly; it's more like a literary device to present a timeframe in a short, sharp, instant manner. It's common because it works, so there's not a whole need to try and invent something new. Granted the use of the dates was something of a last-minute addition, but I wasn't sure how many people knew a lot about timeframe the first Iraq war was in, so I figured I may as well. If it's a real interruption to the flow in some way I could probably take it out, though.

    That's a mechanical issue. Surge is quoting something--"Rangers lead the way" is the Rangers' motto--and since he's quoting it in his dialogue, it needs the other kind of quote mark (if the general dialogue were in double-quotes, then a quote inside the dialogue would be enclosed in single-quotes, see?). He quotes it at the beginning of his dialogue, which is why the dialogue looks like it begins with three quotes (I know, I personally think it looks terribly awkward, but according to my editing manual that's the way it's meant to be, so go figure). That entire line is all one piece of dialogue, enclosed in single-quotes.

    Not really; I'm an Aussie and as far as I know it's a pretty standard phrase here. ^^ Generally I do go for culture-specific words and phrases when writing from the perspective of a person from a certain culture, though.

    Yeah, personally I prefer double-quotes for dialogue too, but single-quotes for dialogue is the standard convention in Australia, and since I'm in the field I've adjusted a lot of my personal conventions to match Australia's so I can beat them into my head by rote. At least that way I know I won't be accidentally editing something to fit my personal convention when it's supposed to be fit to the standard Aussie style, because I'll already be used to using it. So, yeah, professional decision, that one.

    Also ta for pointing out the typo. ^^

    Well, this is third-person limited, so it's technically Ian's perception on things as he pretty much is the narrator at this point, but it's not a direct internal thought--a paraphrase, as it were.

    It depends on your personal style and your country's convention, I think. Some countries like commas; others go with minimalist use of them. Plus, given that the sentence is fairly long so there are already a few commas in it, and that that part of the sentence would work well enough without one, I just made a conscious decision not to use one; I preferred the sentence's flow without it than with it.

    That particular line actually is Ian's direct thought, so he would be the narrator, but that kind of humour is at least partly a case of author's voice as well as narrator's voice. XD It's the voice of my internal commentator. Thanks~

    *tilts head* I think the fact that the first line is dialogue is important too: I mean, in many ways that's expected to be pretty informal. Line B is just describing action; it's more formal than the dialogue, yes, but that's not really unexpected given that the person speaking is a bit of a redneck army man, so most description is naturally going to be more 'formal', if that makes sense. Plus, given that we're still in third-person limited, that means that Surge is the narrator, and 'MacGyver' is still something he would use--even to himself. As for the word 'present', there aren't really any synonyms which mean the same thing; there's 'show', I suppose, but that's still slightly different again, and to use 'present' in that way is fairly common usage. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't have thought of it as too formal at all, especially in the context it's used--Surge would be used to that.

    That said, I do see your point. I don't think it's much of an issue, but it might still be worth changing--I'll have to look into it.

    *tilts head* Well, as I've said, Ian is the narrator, so he already know Surge's name and rank. Initially there wasn't really a reveal at all; I said his name up nearer where he was first introduced--much the same way Ian's was--but then I realised that Ian had called him Sparky pretty much throughout and decided I may as well have a mini-revelation.

    I'm honestly not entirely sure what the problem is there ... d'you mean 'natural' as in 'flowing', as in building up to his identity via physical description etc? Well, that wasn't really the point. Like I said, I hadn't planned making it a 'secret' to begin with, but by the time Surge's perspective starts the reader needs to know for certain who he is or the events which happen after won't be as meaningful. And, again--because apparently I'm a fan of juxtaposition--I kind of liked the abruptness of listening to this otherwise-unnamed 'Sparky' to knowing 'hey, I know him!'

    Hmm, I'm not sure. I don't think so, though; 'we can survive for a while/but it won't be easy if the Iraqis come after us/and the main base is too far to give us a hand'. Seemed like a fair progression to me, but ...

    No, that's more like Aussie-speak and me forgetting to set my spellcheck to being American for this fic. XD; Dammit. *will fix*

    I'm ... not sure what the problem is here. Yes, that's pretty much what it means, but as a phrase I didn't think it was so odd as to be caught out. o_O I think you might be looking a bit too closely into the mechanics of the words and sentence or something.

    A 'side-arm' is nearly specifically connoted to refer to a gun of some kind, yes. Maybe it's just me taking my knowledge for granted, but changing it's not so difficult, so yeah (and I checked it just before and apparently a 'sidearm' is a kind of throw and a 'side-arm' is a weapon; I didn't even know there was a difference. Y'learn something new every day!).

    Yes, yes I do, although given that I have no idea which trope you're referring to or why it pinged you I'm a little confused there. XD;

    I do enjoy speculation. ^^; But I have to admit that you're reading a little too much into it. This kind of speculation assumes that you equate pokemon intelligence with an animal's--that they're not intelligent enough to realise that the human is putting stuff into his mouth because he's eating it, and therefore it must be food. I happen to think of pokemon as much more intelligent on average than the usual animal, and thus more than intelligent enough to draw conclusions from circumstance. It's begging because it's starving and it's smart enough to realise that Surge has something to eat. The 'kicking a downed dog' phrase was just that: a phrase.

    (Woot for another manga fan~! \o/)

    Bingo. ^^

    Well, I imagine that the average reader is smart enough to realise that the scope is the same, yes. The repetition on the green tint is just reinforcing the kind of vision it gives him, rather than as an identification. I'm not sure why the repetition of the green tint is a problem, given that each description occurs a decent distance from the other. I do agree that it'd make more sense to refer to the scope's full term in the first line, however; although after that it wouldn't matter if I just called it a 'scope' anyway.

    Because the author is silly and forgot. D= And was focussed more on the characters' interaction and dialogue. Now that you've brought it up I distinctly remember telling myself, 'don't forget to put in some reference to the time of day in the first scene!'

    And then guess what I forgot to do ...

    Right here:
    It's not stated outright that it was a hit, but it happens offscreen and it's assumed knowledge. If it's really that confusing I could insert a line ... I might do that anyway, actually, it should be fairly easy ...

    I don't think I've ever seen the difference truly distinguished, but that could be 'cos it's a cultural difference in slang-spelling. Alrighty then~

    I'm not entirely sure what you meant by this line. If you mean I should add in some textual sound effects, I deliberately left those out. It's very hard to properly convey sounds through textual sound effects ... I actually hate the word 'BANG' because it doesn't sound anything like a gunshot; it's almost a textual caricature of the actual sound. At any rate, a machinegun would sound more like a ratta-tat-tat or something, and even that sounds ... well, no. About the only time I remember using anything like that was in another fic where the sound had an important psychological effect on the character narrating, so I couldn't leave it out, since it represented a turning-point.

    That was a slight concern while I was writing, admittedly. I could have written a scene about the journey back to camp, but it would likely have made this chapter significantly longer than the others and I was making effort to keep the chapters virtually the same length. Secondly, it wasn't very important: the journey back was extraneous information and given that the fic is meant to be as short and sharp as I could make it given the eventual complexity of the idea, there was really no point in having it except as filler. I try to avoid filler. *nodnod*

    Mostly the chapter had done what it needed to do and expressed everything necessary. I wasn't going to add anything it didn't need and the setting in the next part is a dramatic enough change that I couldn't shift pieces to the end of the first part. So it was prolly a little abrupt, but it was a decent enough stopping point (although I may need to work on the ending line) and it'd done all it needed, so ... *shrugs*

    'Sides, I figured firefights would tend to begin and end abruptly. :p

    You seemed a little testy on occasion, but that could just be my reading into it. ^^; All well! Thanks for the feedback--you gave me quite a bit to think about! ^^
  8. Praxiteles

    Praxiteles Friendly POKéMON.

    Damn, how do I post anything after that meticulous and thoughtful review? I bet the only way is to make something fragmented and hopefully unpretentious.

    This is a really interesting grammatical question, because I realized that in this case we're looking forwards from a past event instead of backwards as usual, and therefore I'm not entirely certain that 'would' will naturally come here. Still, 'will have retained' implies that it will be in that state at a future point, and this entire story (unless I'm mistaken) is in the past, so I don't think it really fits here. ... I mentally debated this idea for ages before I noticed you'd used 'would' to the same effect a bit later in the sentence, and it more or less worked. I feel stupid. Is this simply a typo?

    One of my favourite parts, predictably, was the Surge-pikachu conversations, because here we had two more or less sentient creatures not entirely conscious of each other's thoughts starting to understand each other. (And it's only the beginning, and both of them were either very wary or very strained for time.) Did the pikachu not understand the purpose of a gun or did it fail to care when the lieutenant pointed his gun straight at it? It somehow seems the most composed of everyone involved in the chapter, as though it's taken the basic assumption for some reason that it's not in danger of much more than starvation here.

    Is that a veiled aside to the fashion sense of pokémon trainers? *smirks*

    I don't know why I assumed they were trainers, but somehow I stick with that guess. Just a moment ago I was reading a question in one of the reviews and I imagined you saying the exact answer you did say, when I scrolled down. (also, I guessed the paraphrase of another longer answer.) I'm feeling lucky.
  9. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    XD *pats*

    *tilts head* This is a really interesting question. I think the confusion comes from the assumption that 'will have' is meant to be future-tense: it can be used so, but 'will' is usually present-tense, and at that point in time in the scene Marcus is still on his way towards the wreck. 'Would' is usually the past-tense of 'will', but in this context is used to express a future-tense assumption or possibility; I think the 'will have', despite usually being future-tense, serves a similar function, but for present-tense. I could probably use 'would have' in place of 'will have', but that might have the connotation of 'it would have retained the heat, if ...'. If any of that made any sense whatsoever.

    That and it would repeat 'would have' twice in a sentence. XD

    Anyone else have any input on that one? XD; My gut says that 'will have' is still the way to go (even though I suck at explanations), but ... my gut's not always right.

    It's more that the pikachu didn't really realise the gun's purpose, yeah. It's an unfamiliar tool to him, so he doesn't really realise how dangerous it is. And that's actually a fairly accurate way of describing his state of mind; everything around him is so unfamiliar that, so far, he hasn't had any reason to rank things as a threat on the danger scale. Given that he took out two armed men fairly easily with an electrical attack, and this while injured and starving, that assumption does have some precedence. I mean, would you worry about a bunch of clumsy humans if you could blast them with lightning? :p

    Not really. XD More like historical accuracy; if I recall correctly, Iraq wasn't rich enough to afford a uniform for all of their conscripted soldiers. Their elite-trained ones, sure. Conscripts, not really.

    Not trainers: that was just the group of soldiers who overheard Marcus's firefight and started chasing him towards the Princess. Interesting guess, though. XD It's the kind of thing I might try to slip in. I just ... didn't. XD;

    Now I'm curious to know what the questions and answers were. XD

    Thanks for reviewing (and the sentence-structure riddle XD) and glad you enjoyed~
  10. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    Part 2: Five Reasons Why Mutant Rats Don’t Belong On A Military Base



    ‘Rats.’ The server nodded. ‘Dunno how they did it, but they got into the corn, the carrots, God only knows what else.’

    It took all of Marcus’s willpower not to slap a hand over his eyes. Third day in a row. It was the third day in a row they’d been cut off from some A-grade ration or another because of rats.

    Or rather, one goddamn rat.

    ‘We’re the United States Army; why can’t we figure out how to keep a bunch of rats out of our food stores?’ grumbled Evan, a lieutenant in another Nightstalker platoon, as he moved reluctantly along with a tray not quite as filled as he would have liked it to be.

    Just one, Marcus thought darkly as they moved to a table. Just one very large, lightning-happy mutant rat. And he was going to wring its scrawny neck as soon as he got back to his tent—assuming it was still there.

    It had been nearly a week since he and Ian had got back to base. The rat had run out of power halfway home and they’d crash-landed somewhere within Coalition territory. When he’d pried open the helo’s shell the rat had been practically unconscious, slumped to the floor with its eyes glazed with exhaustion and cheeks blistering where the wires had been taped to it.

    He should’ve just left it there; he’d known, then, that if he took it back and it was found it’d just be shipped back to some laboratory, or maybe even one it’d escaped from, and he’d probably just disappear.

    But he hadn’t. He’d wrapped it up in his flight-jacket and took it with him under his arm, pretending to Ian that he was bringing some of his dead co-pilot’s personal effects with him—not a difficult thing to do, what with the man’s dog-tags dangling over his fist. They’d been within walking distance of a camp, where they’d scammed a ride back to base after radioing in that Marcus and Ian, at least, were alive, and due to that initial over-the-line report the lieutenant had had a chance to clean up before reporting to his CO in person. So he’d made a space in his footlocker, padded the area with some of his shirts, and left a bowl of water there in case the rat woke up. Nothing had changed when he got back a few hours later with some food he’d nicked from his tray at dinner. There hadn’t been much change the morning after either: the rat’s breathing had been labored and he’d wondered why the hell he was bothering, or if it would be better to just hand it over anyway, because surely the scientists would be able to help it.

    Then he’d taken a look at it again, its ears and cheeks cleaned and taped from a first-aid kit, fur matted and dirty—because he didn’t really have the resources to give it a frikkin’ bath—and still dead to the world, and he thought of what people like the CIA would do to the poor critter. Godammit, the thing had saved his life; it hadn’t run, even though that would have been a real dumb animal’s first instinct. And so he kept at it, offering it food and drink, and eventually, it had started to recover, the wounds on its ears turning to scabs. But it had always been tired and lethargic, and never really attempted to leave his footlocker while he was around.

    Apparently it had no qualms about leaving the footlocker while he wasn’t, he reflected grumpily.

    He didn’t even get halfway through his meal before he was interrupted by something which was, unfortunately, related.

    ‘Sir.’ Sergeant Murdoch came to attention beside his table, hand raised in salute. Not a pilot, Murdoch; he was an engineer attached to Surge’s platoon who moonlit as a damned good cook. Ian leaned back, raising an appraising eye at the burly man, and Marcus beat down a grin; Travis had that effect on people. He looked more like a front-line Marine than a grease-monkey.

    ‘Reporting on the status of the damaged Black Hawks, Sir.’

    Marcus massaged the bridge of his nose, his urge to smile gone; since coming back at least three of his platoon’s helos had stopped working, and they hadn’t yet figured out how. ‘Go on, then.’

    ‘We checked the engines and all the inoperative helos had wires chewed through.’ The sergeant’s lips twitched. ‘Hate to say it, Sir, but it looks like it was rats.’

    ‘Always with the rats,’ Evan moaned, jabbing at the food on his plate. ‘Hope the bastards got fried.’

    Not fucking likely. Marcus snorted internally, remembering the way the rat in question had sparked.

    ‘There’s something else, Sir. All the helos’ batteries were completely drained.’

    Marcus thought of the rat’s lethargy for the past couple of days and wanted to groan. Of course; it had powered his helicopter, and that was after frying two enemy soldiers, and that was when it was wounded and half-starved. No wonder it had been so tired—it’d needed a recharge. Though that probably did explain why the batteries on his penlight kept on ‘breaking’.

    Belatedly he realized Murdoch was still talking. ‘… and we didn’t notice the wires until our third sweep. We couldn’t figure out what was wrong, Sir.’

    Evan hissed, and Ian rested his chin on his hand. ‘Sabotage?’

    ‘If it weren’t for the fact that the wires were chewed through I’d think that was it,’ Murdoch admitted.

    Fuck. It does look like sabotage, doesn’t it? Marcus realized with a clench of his gut. Batteries didn’t just drain themselves, and with the wires chewed through people would think it might just have been made to look like a few rodents. It depended on how thorough the little pest had been about the job—obviously it’d been covert enough to make it a problem already, and he doubted that mutant rats would fall into anyone’s equation but his.

    ‘Right,’ he said grimly. ‘Guess I have some forms to fill out and reports to write, don’t I?’

    Fleetingly he wondered why he was bothering to cover it up at all. It had been hard enough hiding what had happened at the ruined Humvee—he’d ended up telling Ian and his CO that he’d found an overlooked flashbang in the vehicle and that’s how he managed to get away—but if people were going to be screaming sabotage …

    ‘Maybe the Iraqis are training killer guerrilla rats now.’ Evan snorted and grinned, even though he was mashing his food up with his fork. No one liked the idea for an interloper in camp. ‘Looks like they’re targeting you after that great escape, Sparky. Better watch out!’

    ‘Don’t call me Sparky,’ Marcus growled as he stood to follow Travis out and see for himself.

    It didn’t take long to check the helos, and then he stood for a while, thinking, with Travis waiting beside him. Patience of a saint, that man.

    Sabotage really was the best way to go, he decided, even though it galled him to have to imply that someone in the camp was in on it—how else could someone have penetrated so far into their lines? It might put his platoon under suspicion, and him especially, but when it came to a search of his tent he’d just turf the rat out and pray it was smart enough not to come back for a few days—there were times, now, that he thought it almost understood what he was saying.

    ‘Think Eagle-Eye’s got it right,’ he said finally. ‘Bring me request for replacement equipment forms, and I’ll write up a report.’ He threw Murdoch a slightly—for him—reckless grin. ‘God save us while CID’s here, eh?’

    Travis chuckled, and that was when there was a flash from the generator tent and the entire camp went dark.

    Marcus was Not Happy. Hell, the entire camp was Not Happy, but seeing as Marcus was the only one who knew what had really happened he felt he deserved more reason to be Not Happy than most.

    Soon after the camp had been plunged into darkness it had exploded into an uproar; without the generator, nothing worked. The backup had been hooked up in moments, but the main had been discovered to be completely fried. Between that and the helos, Marcus knew he had to come forward; if it was discovered his platoon’s equipment had been tampered with and he hadn’t said anything after the generator had gone, he’d be in deep shit. So he’d spent the last few hours being interrogated, giving reports, assumptions, conclusions, and just generally covering up for an ungrateful mutant rat with a death wish (though who, exactly, was going to kill it was up for debate; at that point Marcus felt sure it would be him).

    With a growl he stormed into his tent, then spent a few moments at the entrance clenching and unclenching his hands and trying to calm himself down before he confronted the little pest, even if he had no idea what the fuck he was going to do.

    Idly he wondered if this was what it was like to have kids.

    After a few moments and one last deep breath, he strode over to his footlocker and flipped up the lid, directing a glare down at the side where—he hoped—the rat was nestled.

    The rat was there, but the damned thing was asleep. He stood scowling down at it for a few moments, wondering whether all this was really worth it and fuck, was that a hole in one of the shirts he’d used as padding because that hadn’t been there before and now the damned thing was ruining his clothes as well as risking his career and his fucking life, and no, goddamn, it was not worth it—

    The rat snuffled, its overly-red—flushed, even—cheeks sparking slightly and ears and nose twitching as it snuggled deeper into its little nest, and fuck it was too cute to just kill. Marcus groaned and plopped to the ground, leaning back against the footlocker and scrubbing his face with his hands.

    ‘You’re gonna be the fucking death of me and my sanity, rat,’ he mumbled into his palms. The rat’s ears twitched and it opened one slightly glazed eye, yawning and stretching. He could see clearly now that yes, there was a hole in one of his shirts, as well as a number of burns from apparently random sparks. The rat looked at him, eyes half-lidded and looking slightly fevered. Then it rolled over, its fur crackling slightly with every contact with fabric, and went back to sleep. If Marcus didn’t know any better … actually, fuck it, he didn’t know what the hell was going on even after a week so he’d just assume that yeah, he was right and the thing was as over-charged as it looked.

    The man snorted. It was kind of reassuring to know that a lightning-happy mutant rat could get bloated on electricity. ‘Brat.’

    ‘Pi,’ was the sleepy reply.

    * * *​

    ‘No shortbread?’ Marcus asked, resigned. The server shrugged.

    ‘Sorry, Sir.’

    Idly wondering how much food the damned rat needed to eat, Marcus found a table and sat, slapping the requisition orders he had yet to sign on its surface. Even at his meals, there was no escape.

    He actually managed to finish and make it outside before he was accosted for the dozenth time that week, by his CO’s aide. The sergeant informed him, tersely, that the CID guys had arrived and expected to speak to him promptly at thirteen-hundred hours. Marcus’s gut clenched and his skin buzzed with adrenaline as he nodded the man off; if he went back now he had time to stop at his tent and shove the rat out the back, and lock his trunk so it couldn’t get in again. He just hoped the rat was actually there.

    It was, nestled among his (damaged) clothes and chewing enthusiastically on a piece of shortbread—and getting crumbs everywhere. Absently (and vainly) he hoped that the investigators really didn’t want to search his room, or he’d get charged for stealing food. Maybe he could show ’em his ruined shirts and they’d believe he was unwillingly harboring rats, not saboteurs.

    Hah. Not fucking likely.

    With a sigh he lifted the rat out by the scruff of its neck, scooping up his shirts with his other hand and shaking them out as best as he could before dropping them back in. He closed the lid of the footlocker and, with the rat watching curiously, locked and tested it. He did so somewhat exaggeratedly, because he still couldn’t shake the idea the rat was smart enough to understand him if only he could communicate it effectively enough.

    ‘Y’see?’ he said gruffly, feeling like an idiot. ‘Can’t get back in, so don’t bother trying, ’kay?’

    He dropped the rat and it plopped to the floor with a grunt. It shook itself as it stood and used its tiny paws to push ineffectually at the lid, then chewed vainly at the metal before pulling back with a huff. Marcus watched, fascinated despite himself. It knew how to open and close the lid, and not just in the sense that if it wanted something in the locker it would have to get past the barrier; it seemed to understand the function itself.

    Damn, I was right. It was intelligent. Extremely so.

    ‘Pi.’ Looking annoyed, ears twitching, it looked at him sidelong and its cheeks sparked. ‘Chuuuu …’

    Marcus swore and grabbed the thing before it could blow the lock (and its secrecy). He yelped and dropped it a second later, sucking on his singed fingers and glaring at it. It made a sound which might have been laughter, but it seemed to realize that what it had been about to do was a Bad Idea because it didn’t try again.

    Then again, Marcus didn’t exactly give it a chance: still sucking his smarting fingers, he picked it up by the scruff of the neck and uncovered the tiny hole he’d made for it in the corner, peeking out to make sure it was all clear before shoving the rat through, forcing a grunt from its lungs.

    ‘Don’t come back for a few days, okay?’ he hissed, then pulled back and shifted the footlocker over so it couldn’t get back in the same way. Then he slumped against the trunk with a sigh, staring up at the canvas ceiling.

    What the fuck am I doing?

    He didn’t know anymore.

    For a long while he just sat, listening to the rat scratch experimentally at the entrance, before finally there was silence.

    * * *​

    Marcus leaned against the helo’s side, massaging the back of his neck, and sighed. His hands were filthy; he’d spent the afternoon checking and re-checking his new helo’s engine and equipment. He was still confined to base because of the investigation, but the work soothed him; he had to be alert and watchful to make sure he didn’t screw up and it gave his hands something to do, his mind something to focus on.

    But there were only so many times he could check his helo before he got bored. He almost would have preferred to write his dead co-pilot’s family … almost. And he had done that within a few days of returning to base, anyway.

    ‘Thought you’d be here, Sparky.’

    ‘Don’t call me Sparky,’ Marcus said automatically, but he greeted Ian with a lazy salute nonetheless, judging his hand clean enough to dig into his pocket for a packet of cigarettes. He didn’t smoke often, but he thought it was warranted on this occasion and lit one up, not bothering to offer one to Ian.

    The Ranger was carrying his rifle, and dragged a crate toward him to use as a table before sitting and beginning, in silence, to methodically dismantle the gun and oil each part.

    ‘Bored, Eagle-Eye?’ Marcus asked with asperity.

    ‘I’d be happier out there.’ The dark-haired sniper nodded towards the distant darkness of the desert.

    Marcus grunted. Wouldn’t we all.

    One of the investigators had oh-so-intelligently noted that the sabotage had begun not all that long after they’d returned from a skirmish in which both were the only survivors from their patrol (the remaining men from the Humvee were still MIA), but they’d both admitted to being separated for an extended period of time during which there had been contact with the enemy. They’d been interviewed separately, the interrogators trying to play them off one another, but neither were idiots. Marcus had been out of sight, yes, but Ian knew better than to believe the blond was a traitor, and if he hadn’t already known the real cause of the problems in-camp Marcus would have refused to believe the same. They stuck to their stories and Marcus had been beyond relieved that he’d chucked the rat out—his tent being searched had been pretty much inevitable once he realized he was top of their list of suspects. Now the investigators were just trying to decide whether they were in on it together or whether they were innocent.

    Marcus was just bored. And, though he’d never admit it, a little worried. It was good the rat hadn’t tried to come back like he’d feared it would, but he hadn’t seen head or tail of it since he’d chucked it out of his tent four days ago and the thefts from the kitchen had stopped completely. There was a slight—and, he told himself, irrational—fear that the rat had taken his rejection to heart and left altogether. The thought left him feeling bereft.

    … Crap, don’t tell me I’ve gone sweet on the thing.

    He thought of heaving up the trunk’s lid every morning to dig out a uniform and seeing it curled to one side all sleepy and content, and the awe he’d felt when it methodically tested the lock, and the sight of it throwing itself at the enemy just because he’d been kind enough to hand it some food, and groaned.

    Christ, he had.

    Fuck. He sighed, leaning his head back to the helo’s hull with a thunk and looking up at the expanse of stars way above.

    ‘Guess you haven’t heard then,’ Ian said finally and without looking up from his polishing. Marcus grunted. ‘The CID blokes left tonight.’

    Marcus jolted straight like he’d just been—well, just been hit by a bolt of lightning. ‘Why the fuck didn’t you say so sooner?!’

    Ian looked up at him past his brow. ‘Doesn’t mean we’re off the hook yet, Sparky.’

    Marcus dismissed that with a flap of the hand holding his cigarette. He knew all it meant was that the CID were taking their investigation elsewhere, probably hoping the saboteur would come back while they were gone, but it meant the place was clear, relatively speaking. Maybe the rat would come back.

    Marcus was loath to admit it, but he hoped it would.

    It didn’t. A few days passed, nothing happened, the case was closed as best as the investigators could handle and Marcus saw neither hide nor hair of his little unexpected tent-mate.

    And now they were leaving with the push-on. The camp was a bustle of activity but practically empty of tents already, trucks and Humvees already creating a convoy west. Marcus stood beside his new Princess, his tent packed hours ago and helo ready and prepped for neither the first nor the last run that day. And yet his eyes still scanned the dirt and sand of the place where they’d made their camp, looking for a flash of dun-yellow.

    Dunno why I’m bothering, he tried to convince himself yet again. This is its home, anyway. Couldn’t have it causing blackouts all the time at Fort Campbell.

    But he couldn’t stifle the brief pang of—of disappointment. That’s all it was. He wasn’t sweet on a damned food-stealing, battery-draining, shirt-wrecking, lightning-happy mutant rat.

    Aw, fuck. He sighed. Sweet on the thing or not, something had happened to him which was out of the ordinary, and no matter how he complained while it was happening, he was sorry it was over.

    ‘We’re ready, Lieutenant!’ someone shouted behind him.

    Time to come back to reality, Sparky. Marcus donned his helmet and climbed into the cockpit beside his newly-assigned co-pilot. A few minutes later, the matte-black helo rose into the air and turned west.

    To be continued in Part 3: What To Do When Mutant-Bearing Strangers Come To Call
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2009
  11. Diddy

    Diddy Renegade

    Ha. That is exactly the way I would imagine Lt. Surge reacting in a situation like this. Reluctance to accept that he, an army man, had feelings for a insubstantial mutant rat thing that did nothing but complicate his life. Saved it though, and that's probably where the "bond" was formed.

    I don't think this is the last we'll see of Mr. Pikachu.

    The only mistake I spotted. Wasn't really paying attention to the grammar though. You seemed to leave in either 'way' or 'route' they both function as a possible word to fit in the situation but not together.
  12. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Heh. I never would have thought I would use the word "adorable" to describe Lt. Surge, but... well. What can I say to lines like this?

    In any case, there was one bit that had me confused for a moment, namely this:

    When you said he "had time to stop at his tent and shove the rat out the back..." I thought you were actually saying he did stop at the tent, shove it out the back and lock his trunk, making it puzzling when you then get to "He just hoped the rat was actually there." It makes perfect sense on a reread, of course, when I know it's just him thinking he has time to do that, but seeing as that's not the interpretation one immediately assumes in a sentence like this, I think this needs rewording to suggest the correct interpretation immediately.

    Otherwise the writing generally felt quite solid and the Surge/Pikachu interactions were very fun, particularly the bit where he realizes it knows how his footlocker works.

    The next part sounds fun. I'll be looking forward to it.
  13. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    Diddy: Yeah, if he hadn't saved it then it wouldn't be a problem, so it's obviously all his fault to begin with. X3 I really couldn't imagine Surge just leaving an injured creature, though; I mean, he's stern and a little paranoid, but he's not cold.

    Indeed it is not. >3

    Thanks for pointing that out; that was pure typo. >.< I remember wondering which word to choose while I was typing it up and I guess my brain crossed its wires into thinking I'd picked one.


    Dragonfree: :O He hates you forever. How dare you call him by such a cutesy word?!

    ... He so is. XD Poor guy's really just a big teddy bear at heart. Just don't tell anyone, you'll ruin his reputation. ;)

    Good point there; I hadn't noticed that before. Should be fairly easily changed, though.

  14. jirachiman876

    jirachiman876 The King of Kirby

    well, I did have a nice review typed out for you, but of course Serebii has to be a douche and hate me. Oh, well.
    So this is what you've been doing instead of CC. I get it. ^^
    Anyway, great fic. I loved your description of the opening scene with Surge and Ian. It made me feel as if I was there and experiencing it all. Very good job.
    I love the "rat" and how he and Surge interact. And I love Surge falling for the cute little guy.
    Also, you did a very good job with the characterization of Pikachu. You made him like a real rat that chews through everything and gets seed and stuff, and also like an electric being who needs electricity to be recharged and to stay alive.
    I can't wait for the next chapter of both fics. *glares* I better get one or the other soon. *threatens*
    jirachiman out ;385;
  15. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    This is why it's a good idea to do them in Word first. 8D

    Yeeeeahhh, this is what I've been working on. ^.^;; Among other things.

    Hehe, thanks. ^^ I'm really quite fond of the pikachu myself. Although I wonder what you meant by 'gets seed' ...?

    *eeps* W- well, this story is finished and just needs to be posted, so ... next week. *nodnod* As for CaC, well, I think this next chapter is just about the hardest thing I've had to write, so ... I'm working on it? >.<
  16. jirachiman876

    jirachiman876 The King of Kirby

    I think I meant corn, and since corn is seed, it worked out like that??? Cause in the chapter Pikachu was getting food and stuff, and I think you mentioned it was corn. My mind doesn't work very well. -_- It's sad.
    Also, that's not good enough!!! *shakes fist* JK Love ya PD!!! ^^ As long as i get it I'll be happy, I just need a refresher, so I know what's going on. -_-
    jirachiman out ;385;
  17. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    Part 3: What To Do When Mutant-Bearing Strangers Come To Call

    April, 1991

    Marcus cursed.

    He glared at the book that had just missed his foot by an inch before bending down to pick it up, still clutching a stack of volumes in his other arm. Muttering in discontent, he shoved the books one by one back into place and then treaded his way unhappily out of the base library. It wasn’t that he expected to find much in the way of information about nuclear testing in Kuwait, but he’d been so sure he’d find something.

    Guess all that proves is that it’s a black project. Even though there were times when he wondered at the surrealism of those days in Kuwait, even though he told himself he had to let go and come back to Earth, he couldn’t find it in himself to either dismiss the fact they had happened as fantasy or just … dismiss them, period. Christ, he had the sabotage reports as proof. It had happened, and it had smacked of something only kids dreamed of, and now he couldn’t let it go.

    Only now he found himself convinced that, rather than it being some kind of freak mutant as a result of radiation, the rat really was something deliberately developed in a lab. He’d started packing a gun no matter where he went and sleeping with one practically in his hand. He didn’t care if he’d seen something he wasn’t supposed to; no assassin, not even one of Uncle Sam’s, was going to ‘accident’ him away without a fucking fight.

    Abruptly he stopped short in the middle of a street, his gut clenching and his skin going hot and then cold in realization.

    Then his heart restarted and he took a deep, albeit slightly shaken, breath.

    No. Pa wasn’t murdered. I’m sure of it. He remembered reading the autopsy report himself, as if already being in the service meant he’d spot anything suspicious even though he’d only been nineteen at the time and struggling to deal with a younger sister who blamed him for brushing his father off and a mother who literally wasn’t dealing with the aftermath of a husband who, everyone said, had gone crazy in the end.

    He was sure his pa’s death hadn’t been murder—but he still turned and changed direction, making for the nearby pay-phone to call his sister.

    She’d always been close to their dad, even though Marcus had been the one to take after him the most, in his build and temperament and career. She’d been devastated when he died and had always blamed Marcus … the blond still wasn’t sure why. What could he have done? Everyone had thought the colonel had gone nuts, what the fuck was a not-yet twenty-year-old meant to do to calm him down and keep him sane?

    Maybe it was the fact that he’d tried, at first, to humor him, as Bethany (he’d thought) had, when everyone else had given up. Maybe it was the fact that he’d eventually had enough and brushed his pa aside, just like everyone else. And soon after that the colonel had been found dead.

    Marcus took a deep breath and dialed. The phone rang, and his gut tightened until he was so wired he almost hung up—before someone picked up.


    ‘Beth, ’lo,’ Marcus said, leaning on the pay-phone’s box. He cleared his throat to get rid of the huskiness, though she probably wouldn’t notice it through the static anyway. ‘How’re you doing?’

    A pause.

    ‘What the fuck are you ringing for?’

    Marcus sighed and ran a hand through his blond, crew-cut hair. Yup, that’s Beth.

    ‘Can’t I just—’

    ‘No,’ Beth said flatly. ‘No, you can’t. You lost the right the day you abandoned Dad.’

    Idly wondering if that was what it felt like to be taken out by a semi-automatic, though he was sure his sister’s words had never cut quite that badly before, Marcus rested his head on the box. ‘I was just wondering if you wanted to meet up some time.’


    Marcus pressed his finger to his eyes and resisted the urge to growl. ‘Christ, Beth, will you just—’


    Marcus took a deep breath, then let it all out in a sigh. ‘I’m sorry, okay? I just …’ He put his head on his arm, staring blankly at the stained pavement and trying to figure out what, exactly, ‘he just’. ‘I think …’ He couldn’t believe he was about to say this, was considering saying this, but if he was gonna get disappeared he somehow couldn’t bear the thought of going without his sister knowing that maybe Pa had been justified. That’s if tellin’ her doesn’t get her killed.

    ‘I think Pa may’ve been on to something.’ He wasn’t even aware he’d said anything, for a moment; it could’ve been part of his own thoughts, for all he knew, except that Beth answered.

    ‘Oh no. No you fucking don’t. I don’t care how guilty you feel, if you ever do, but you’re not gonna try and solve this by pretending you believed him all along.’

    ‘I didn’t, Beth, just—recently I—’

    ‘I don’t care.’

    Marcus closed his eyes; not much he could say to that, really. It looked like he was on his own, and it was probably better that way; at least then she’d be safe and not out there going gung-ho trying to prove something nobody knew existed.

    ‘I’ll make ya proud of me, Bethy.’

    She hung up.

    After a moment, so did Marcus. Funny, what kind of armor certainty could give you; he didn’t recall any of their conversations being quite so painful before. Now nothing was certain except his state of mind—he was definitely sane, he knew that. Then again, insane people never thought they were, did they?

    Wondering if this was how his father had felt all that time, Marcus made his way slowly home. When he got there—walking, head down, through the streets—it was mid-afternoon. Usually, on coming home (at least coming home more recently) he’d stop and case the area before entering, always so aware of the gun under his jacket and the possibility that this could be it. He’d left a letter in a deposit box with the key willed to Ian if anything should happen, though he was acutely aware of how much it sounded like the ranting of a madman. He should know; his father’s journal had read just the same.

    That day, he felt far too weary to bother with his characteristic caution—or paranoia, whichever shoe fit best. He dumped his keys in an empty ashtray on a table in the hall and, stripping off his coat, shuffled into the kitchen. He stopped short several feet in.

    There was a yellow mutant rat sitting on his counter, eating cookies.

    He peripherally noted that they weren’t his cookies, because he usually didn’t buy cookies, but that just lent credence to the fact that he was probably hallucinating because how the fuck had the rat managed to get from Kuwait to America and Jesus but he was fucking nuts, wasn’t he—

    The rat looked up and saw him. Instantly its ears perked up and it did that weird sort of bounce-shuffle animals did when they were happy to see you.

    ‘Pipipi!’ It bounded from the counter to the table and its paw shot out, offering him a cookie.

    For a moment Marcus could only stare, before taking the cookie a little dazedly. The rat looked better, he saw: it was clean, fur no longer matted and now sleek and shiny, and body filled out with muscle and fat. And, he realized as he crumbled the cookie slightly in his hands, inescapably real.


    The cookie dropped to the floor as Marcus spun around, his Glock in his hand and a round chambered even before he could register that there was someone behind him.

    A very significant someone, Marcus realized belatedly and without lowering his gun. The man was maybe a little shorter than normal, at least compared to Marcus himself. His short black hair was swept back but kind of spiky, his slanted eyes calm, his build average. In other words, he was remarkably nondescript, and Marcus’s heart pounded.

    This is it.

    ‘Who the fuck are you?’

    The stranger inclined his head slightly. ‘You may call me Koga.’

    ‘But that ain’t your name.’ It wasn’t a question, but the only reply he got was a slight raise of an eyebrow and an actual question.

    ‘Won’t you lower your gun?’

    It wasn’t even a decision, really. ‘No.’

    The stranger nodded once, as if in understanding, but a second later Marcus's gun was yanked out of his hands. Instinctively he whirled away from a person that wasn’t there, avoiding several shiny threads that fell glittering to the table, and rounded on the biggest fucking spider he’d ever seen.

    It was two fucking feet long.

    Its sheer size made him freeze, his skin crawling in primal fear as its mandibles clicked and it shot glittering silk at him.

    ‘CHU!’ Something yellow flashed past him on the table and he flinched back as a bolt of lightning collided with the wall where the spider had been, the monstrous bug having used its silk to swing away. There was a second flash and the light bulb blew in a shatter of glass, along with the lights in the rest of the house. Marcus’s stomach and chest clenched viciously at the thought of a spider that size lurking somewhere in the dark around him; blindly he stumbled back until his butt hit the sink, breathing hard, his heart and veins pounding with adrenaline.


    Very interesting.’

    Something snapped, making Marcus flinch and a glow erupt across the table, illuminating the stranger’s sallow face and—Marcus shuddered violently—the massive spider hanging over the man’s head.



    Movement between them turned out to be the rat, light on all four of its paws and ears twitching in readiness. Marcus stared dumbly, his mind struggling to catch up through the darkness and acrid smell of burned brick and mortar.

    Abruptly and unexpectedly close there came the sound of someone pounding on his front door, and Marcus jumped, the quiet and surrealism of the scene shattering. He cast a glance at the stranger, half-hidden in shadow, and the mutant rat, and hurried out of the room, his thoughts scrambling in circles as he wrenched open the door to be faced with one of his civilian neighbors.

    ‘Lieutenant Surge! Are you okay? I thought I heard fighting, and the lights in your house suddenly went out.’

    Marcus shook himself mentally, focusing on the man’s broad, anxious face.

    ‘Yeah,’ he grunted, and it seemed as though the words came more easily after that. ‘Yeah, something just blew my electricity out when I plugged it in, is all.’ The lie came automatically; the idea of telling the truth didn’t even occur until he’d already said it, and even then he didn’t think he’d have been able to.

    ‘Need a hand?’

    ‘Nah, I’m good, got some candles.’ A blatant lie, but he did have some searchlights, a habit from when he and his pa had gone camping.

    He didn’t know how he did it—he sure as hell wouldn’t have believed himself—but he managed to convince the man that everything was fine and he could leave. He was thankful when he could shut the door, and leaned back against it with a sigh and a thunk of his head. He didn’t want to go back to his kitchen; he wasn’t sure why the mutant rat hadn’t done it, but the appearance of that truly grotesque spider had made his world tilt on its axis and frightened him in a way he hadn’t thought he could be frightened anymore.

    It should all have been surreal—the two weeks in Kuwait were surreal—but suddenly, with not just one but two mutant animals before his eyes—in his house—and a stranger who was apparently comfortable enough around them not to care if one dangled itself over his head … something had broken, something that hadn’t quite broken before.

    When he finally did come back to the kitchen, the blinds were drawn enough that the room was no longer dark. The mutant rat had seated itself back on the table, nibbling on cookies while keeping a wary eye on the spider crouched in a corner of the ceiling. The stranger—Koga—was sitting calmly at the table, elbows on its surface and hands clasped before him. He was watching Marcus before the blond had even entered the room again, it seemed.

    ‘Why did you not let him in?’ Koga asked, and there was a genuine air of curiosity about him, coupled with a slightly amused one.

    Marcus gave him a blank stare. ‘Would you still have been here if I had?’

    Koga nodded, conceding, as Marcus came forward to lean on the table with both open palms. He stared at Koga.

    Koga stared back.

    Marcus was acutely aware that had Koga wanted to kill him he would have had plenty of opportunities by now, that or discredited him outright, and if his words were any indication he was taking as much interest in merely observing. So in that case …

    ‘Is this a recruitment?’ Marcus asked bluntly, because he couldn’t think of any other reason why a black operative would reveal more of the mutant pets to him if not to test his reactions.

    Well, I fucked that up.

    ‘Of a sort,’ was Koga’s only reply because lapsing again into silence. Marcus refused to look away; he’d be damned if he let the bastard intimidate him more than he already had.

    ‘What are they?’ he asked next, indicating the rat and the spider with his head. ‘Experiments? Mutants?’

    Koga’s black eyes seemed to glitter. ‘They are what's real, Lieutenant Surge.’

    To be concluded in Part 4: How To Draw The Line Between Going Crazy And Going Black
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2010
  18. Diddy

    Diddy Renegade

    That was awesome!

    Koga, with the OBVIOUS exception of Blaine, it has to be said is my favourite Kanto gym leader.

    And the way you portrayed him in this was so... right. It made sense. Koga, just erupting out of the shadows like that and ambushing even the army trained Lt. Surge. Then the ariados. Oh deary me, the ariados.

    nuf sed.

    I loved that description. It reeks of Surge.

    I also enjoyed the little section about Lt's family. His father, his mother and his estranged sister. I wonder what her reaction will be like when Lt starts going "mad".
  19. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Hmm. Interesting. Surge's father, then, presumably found out about Pokémon too in his time, and that coupled with the fact Koga and an Ariados are here, and that last line, leads me to believe there is some sort of a messed-up government conspiracy going on regarding it, rather than the some sort of dimensional travel I initially imagined for some reason.

    "They are the Truth" seems kind of cheesy to me; it makes me almost think Koga is about to offer him a red pill and a blue pill and ask him how far down the rabbit hole he wants to go. But that's for the next part. :p

    I also wish we'd find out more about exactly what Beth thinks/knows; it's tickled my curiosity. But again, presumably you're planning to tell us that in the next part.

    This part felt awfully short, being rather fast-paced and cutting off before we could learn much, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. Yet again, the writing was great, Surge's paranoia was a nice touch and well portrayed, and I'm excited for the conclusion.
  20. purple_drake

    purple_drake E/GL obsessed

    Diddy: Haha, thanks! ^^

    Yeah, Koga's been one of my favourite character for ages--about as long as Lance has topped my list, I think, Koga's been near behind him. Well, behind him and Clair. Surge is a very recent favourite in comparison. Aw hell, I just love 'em all. XD

    Ninja FTW. \o/ I love the byplay between the two--or, well, will love it, when I've written more of it. Koga and Ian actually strike me as somewhat similar characters, only Koga is more extreme (I mean, deadpan < snarky deadpan and sniper < assassin on the edginess scale), so while Surge kind of knows how to deal with him, at the same time Koga is just edgier enough to make him nervous. And the two-foot-long spider hanging around doesn't exactly help. 8D

    Hehehehe, can you tell I enjoyed that paragraph? 8D

    Thanks! ^^ It's kind of interesting, actually; other than Lance and Clair, Surge is the character whose backstory I know the most about, despite this being fairly recent. Beth's always had attitude, but it wasn't until I was writing this story that I found out why she has a problem with her brother. I don't know whether she finds out the truth or not yet, though--or even if she finds out anything about what's happening.





    XD I actually found it really interesting that the first conclusion you jumped to was a dimensional intersection of some sort. It's probably the most used gimmick for this kind of story, and Pokemon is actually a fandom in which it could work (unown and Palkia, anyone?), but ... well, it's the most used gimmick for this kind of story, so.

    Y'know, I wasn't thinking of the Matix at all while I was writing this? =x Although it did occur to me that that line could turn out to be cheesy, so I tried for something ... less cheesy but still Koga-like, which could serve as an ending line? /failed, mebbe.

    Darnit, I haven't seen the movie in so long that I dunno what Morpheus's lines are like. D< Lemme know if it becomes some kind of a problem in the next part though, I might need to work some of the dialogue.

    Well, not really, actually. =x I mean, this story focusses on Surge, so there's not a whole lot else on Beth, not directly. I'm curious about her too, to be honest, but Surge is understandably reticent to talk about her. I don't think she knows anything important, but then again, she might surprise me.

    It is the shortest part of the whole lot by about a page; I did wonder if I should somehow make it longer, but given that it does everything it needs to do I didn't want to just force material into it. Originally the fic as a whole was supposed to only be three parts long, but then I realised that one part would be epically longer than the others. All things considered, they did all come out to be pretty similar in length, though.

    I could have made it two parts long, on in Kuwait and one in America, but then I wouldn't have been able to use teh awesome titles! We will ignore the fact that I didn't actually think of it until now and it's something I should seriously consider given that the Kuwait/America difference would be a good dividing point and it'd equal out to a fairly similar page-count.

    Hehe, I'm excited about the conclusion too. ^^ Thanks~
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2009

Share This Page