~The Sacred Flame of Ho-Oh~

[Mawile XD]

~The Sacred Flame of Ho-Oh~

;250;
Prologue

Eevee ran. Closely behind it were a Marowak and a Dodrio. Terror clouded Eevee's mind. Every now and then, one of Dodrio's beaks jabbed at his tail.Voices sounded, but Eevee was too terrified to even listen.

Poke'balls whizzed past Eevee, inches away. He was going to be captured; he could feel it. A few minutes ago, the Dodrio and the Marowak had been yards away. Now, they were only feet away.

Eevee was exhausted. Marowak's club pounded at his tail; Dodrio's beaks tore at his back. Every step that he took grew slower. Finally, he collapsed. Almost immediately, Marowak's club pinned him down. Eevee struggled weakly as Dodrio called for her master.

Eevee's sensitive ears could hear footsteps running. Suddenly, Marowak's bone slipped! Eevee squirmed out of Marowak's grip. Almost instantly, Marowak's club smashed down on Eevee's head.

Everything went black.

Chapter 1: Captured!​

Hours later, Eevee awoke. Confusion flooded his mind! This was not his peaceful forest! Instead of birds singing and trees swaying, he was trapped in a dimly lit cage!

There was a steady rumbling drone that Eevee had never heard. The dim light revealed many other scared-looking Pokemon, huddled in their cages.

A brown colored Poochyena caught his eye. It was busily gnawing its way through its bars. Eevee plucked up enough courage to ask it, "Why are you different looking than other Poochyena?"

The Poochyena sighed, then stopped chewing to reply: "If you must know, I'm a shiny Pokemon."

"Oh," stammered Eevee. "I'm sorry to be rude. I just never saw a brown Poochyena before. Only black ones."

The Poochyena growled. "How old are you?" it asked. "Not very," said Eevee. "Only about six months."

The Poochyena half-smiled. "That's good for you," it said. "That means that they won't make a coat out of you. You'll probably be sold at a hefty price to someone."

"Who's they?" asked Eevee.

"Y-you-you don't know?" stammered the Poochyena. "Only the cruelest and most evil enemy that any pokemon has ever had... hunters of pokemon!"

The Poochyena began to gnaw through the bars of his cage. This gave Eevee an idea. Eevee tried to chew through his bars, but only succeeded in hurting his jaw.

Suddenly, the rumbling stopped. All of the cages lurched forward. A slamming noise startled Eevee. Eevee heard footsteps. Suddenly, doors opened where Eevee had thought that there was just darkness, to reveal a wrinkled face with crooked teeth.

"My, my, my," said the hunter. "I've certainly caught lots of rare pokemon today." Then he noticed Poochyena. "A shiny Poochyena!" he spluttered. "I'm glad that my pokemon caught you!"

He opened Poochyena's cage and picked him up. Immediately, Poochyena chomped down on the hunter's hand! The hunter swore and dropped him. Poochyena ran off into the woods, howling happily.

"I'm glad that... beast escaped!" muttered the hunter under his breath. "It could bite a customer."

He moved the pokemon into a room with lots of people in it. Suddenly a man saw Eevee. "Excuse me?" the man said. "How much does this Eevee cost?"

To be continued....

_______

Does anyone like it? Please read and review. Thanks!

-Gecko ;149;

 

[~*Myuu the Ryuu*~]

i am pretty sure this is too short, so maybe add a few paragraphs to it and hopefully by the time the mods notice it there won't be any reason to close it. .

 

[Magnus]

The chapter is too short. I think the minimum is like 4 pages in word. The story is interesting though.

 

[Mawile XD]

Chapter 2: Karen

"A lot," said the hunter.

"How much is it?" repeated the man.

"50, no 75 dollars," said the hunter.

"I'll buy it," said the man happily.

Soon after, Eevee was in a very fancy car. The man attempted to make friends with Eevee. First, he gave him a pokemon treat. Eevee hungrily gobbled it up. Eevee did not know what to think of this strang man. The only human that he had ever met was the cruel hunter. This man was completely different.

When the man saw Eevee's wounds, he saw to it that Eevee was healed at the nearest Pokemon Center. Eevee talked with the Chansey who was healing him and learned that most humans were kind and gentle. Soon after Eevee left the Pokemon Center, he arrived at a very large, yellow mansion.

Eevee soon found that he belonged to a tall, purple-haired girl named Karen Aristovok. He had been given to her as a birthday present. They immediately were fast friends. Eevee immediately also liked her other pokemon: a Ditto, a Jigglypuff, a Clefairy and a Roselia.

As time went by, Eevee learned more and more things about Karen.The firs was that she was crazy about pokemon contests. She immediately decided to put Eevee in the "Cool" part of her team because Jigglypuff and Clefairy already took turns for "Cute" category contests. Karen had to put Roselia in the "Beauty" section contests and Ditto in the "Smart" category contests.

The second thing that Eevee learned about Karen was that she wanted to know what evolution Eevee would like to evolve into: Vaporeon, Jolteon, Flareon, Espeon or Umbreon. Eevee didn't yet want to evolve into any of them, but Karen usually didn't notice.

Eevee liked each of Karen's pokemon for a separate reason. Ditto, the leader, cheered Eevee up when he was lonely or upset, or gave helpful advice. Jigglypuff helped Eevee get to sleep while Clefairy loved to play with Eevee. Eevee loved to talk with Roselia, who had won many pokemon contests. Roselia's contest advice proved useful when Eevee found out that his first contest was the next day...

Chapter 3: The Pokemon contest

When Eevee found out that his first contest was the next day, he went to Roselia. "My first contest is tomorrow," whined Eevee, "and I don't know what to do."

"Well," said Roselia, "You've got to not look nervous. You have to look confident, even if you're afraid."

"O.K.," said Eevee. "What do you do in a contest?"

"At the beginning, you have to do something to look cool like use a Petal Dance, then use a Magical Leaf to slice the petals to pieces," said Roselia.

"But I don't know either of those moves!" wailed Eevee desperately.

"Well, Karen will fix you up with some others," said Roselia. "I'll take you to her right now." Roselia took Eevee to Karen's room.

"Well, hi Eevee," said Karen. "Do you want to learn some new moves for the contest tomorrow?" Eevee nodded. "Okay," said Karen. "How about some of these moves: Toxic, Rest, Reflect and Mimic?" Eevee nodded again. Karen taught Eevee those moves with Ditto and Roselia.

Finally it was time for the contest! Eevee was a mixture of nervous and excited. Eevee wanted to win the contest when he heard that Karen's father would take them campinng at Mount Silver if he won.

When Eevee saw all of the pokemon there, his heart sank. There was an Exploud, a Lairon, a Glalie, a Zubat, a Xatu, an Aerodactyl and - Eevee nearly fainted in surprise - the shiny Poochyena!

The Poochyena noticed him. "Why hello there," it said. "I'm going to win this contest to please my owner." Eevee looked up. Standing next to Poochyena was an enormously fat woman in a pink and green dress.

Suddenly a loudspeaker blared, "Attention! Round 1 is about to begin." Eevee showed his coolness right after the Glalie. The Glalie had used a Hail attack, so hail was raining down on the stage. Eevee used his Toxic attack to shatter all of the hailstones.

The first judge gave Eevee a 9.5, the second gave him a 9.8 and the third gave him a 9.1. All together, Eevee had gotten a score of 28.4.

When Poochyena came up, it first used a Sunny Day to melt the rest of the hailstones. It then used a Sand-Attack to make a beautiful silhouette of tiny shadows against the sunlight. The judges loved this and gave Poochyena scores of 10, 10 and 10 - a perfect 30!

After all of the contestants showed how cool they were, the judges announced that Eevee, Poochyena, the Glalie and the Exploud had made it to the next round.

Round 2 was Eevee vs. Glalie and Exploud vs. Poochyena. Eevee went first. The battle started with Glalie using a Crunch attack on the ground and sent Eevee flying into the air. Eevee landed hard on the ground, which took away about 10% of his health. Eevee got mad and used his Toxic attack, which hit Glalie right between the eyes. This took away about 20% of Glalie's health.

Glalie used an Ice Beam, which Eevee jumped in the crater, caused by the Crunch attack, to dodge. Once Eevee landed, he found a fire stone at the bottom and evolved into Flareon!

Glalie hovered above Flareon and used and Ice Beam. Flareon had no time to dodge, and so was frozen. The flames on Flareon's body quickly melted the ice and Flareon jumped out of the crater. A Flamethrower easily defeated Glalie, causing Eevee to go on to the next round - against the Poochyena!

Flareon and Poochyena glared at each other, then the match started. Poochyena used an Iron Tail and took away 30% of Flareon's health. Flareon used a Fire Spin and took away 20% of Poochyena's health. Flareon used a Toxic, which hit Poochyena directly. Poochyena collapsed and struggled to get up. Flareon got ready to use a Flamethrower, just as Poochyena evolved into Mightyena!

Mightyena fired a Hyper Beam just after he was hit by the Flamethrower. The Hyper Beam exploded in Mightyena's face, making it faint and winning Flareon the contest!

________

I know, the beginning is pretty short, but it gets longer. I'm writing this down in a notebook, and the next chapter is 7 pages. Does anyone like this? Please read and review. Thanks!

-Gecko ;149;

 

[~Fire&Ice~]

I like this very much and I think I will review this more often. One thing though. You should elaborate more. Like with Eevee and the firestone. It should have had more than a couple of sentences to it. I will keep my eyes on this.

 

[~*Myuu the Ryuu*~]

*subsribes*

i'm not really much of a reviewer, but i'll say that the battles need a bit more description. other than that, i really feel sorry for the poochyena who had to get stuck with the lady.

9/10. keep up the good work!

 

[katiekitten]

Me sir miffed. You deleted the version with my review, didn't you? *growls* I spent a while on it, and from what I have seen you haven't improved.

Description. Your story has barely any of it. In my last review I showed you how you could change your first sentence into something more productive. I'm not going to type it all up again, but I know that you read it.

What time of day i it? Describe. What does the Eevee look like? Describe. What does the forest look like? Is it a mist shrouded forest or a bright cheery wood? Theres a big difference between them, so describe. What does the truck look like? Describe. What exactly does the Poochyena look like? Describe. What does the room the Eevee is moved into look like? Describe.

I got all of those questions from the first chapter. Answer them, and we might be getting somewhere.

Proof read. With just a quick glance at your most recent chapter, there are unclosed tags. Sort them out.

Length. Putting two chapters together doesn't make up for the length of them. Don't think I didn't notice. ¬.¬ This is where description comes in handy. like I showed you before, it can transform a simple sentence into a paragraph, increasing your chapter lengths by the tenfold.

Well, that is all for now. Try and use my advice this time, for you won't be getting rid of me that easily. ¬.¬

 

[Mawile XD]

I'm really sorry. I did delete that post, and I thought that I'd deleted both posts! I did read what you wrote. As I have said, the next chapter is much longer, descriptive, and better written. By reading carefully, you might figure out what the next chapter is about.....


Thanks for the reviews!

Gecko ;149;

 

[Mawile XD]

Chapter 4: Adventures at Mount Silver

Karen was overjoyed! “You won your first contest,” she said. “And you even evolved into a Flareon!”

Flareon smiled. It was true; he had won a contest. Karen’s father was astonished. He kept on muttering to himself, “It won! It actually won!”

Flareon glanced down at his new body. He still looked a bit like an Eevee, but his body and tail were covered in yellow flame. His head and ears were a deep orange. He even had a flaming crest on the top of his head. He looked tougher. He felt different, more powerful than before.

Just then, Karen remembered something. “Dad,” she yelled. “You said that if Flareon won, you would take me to Mount Silver. Flareon won, so are you going to keep your promise?”

Karen’s father sighed. “Oh, I suppose.” Karen was about to hug Flareon in joy, but then thought better of it. “Flareon, come here!” she called. “I want to show you something.” Flareon scampered over. Karen opened a drawer in her chest. Inside, there were many different pokeballs.

“I’m going to try to catch lots of pokemon!” she said. “That way I can win more contests!”

* * *

Soon after, Flareon was in a plane going to Mount Silver. Karen was saying something, but Flareon was too bored to listen. Suddenly, a loudspeaker made Flareon jump.

“We will be landing shortly. Please prepare to leave.”

Flareon felt better. He didn’t like it in the plane. He didn’t like the idea that he was thousands of feet in the air. I’m not a Swellow, he thought. I shouldn’t be up in the air. I should be safely on the ground, like the Flareon that I am.

The loudspeaker buzzed again, “You have arrived at Mount Silver. Please exit the plane in an orderly fashion.” The plane’s doors opened, and Flareon tore out of the plane, followed by Karen and her father.

“Karen,” said her father, “I know that you smuggled a stash of pokeballs here. Catch a flying pokemon – that way you can wander about without getting lost.”

“How will I not get lost?” asked Karen. “Oh, just send out the flying pokemon. It will fly around, then tell it to take you to the camp site. Until you catch a flying pokemon, you have to stay in sight of the campground.”

Soon later, Karen was looking for flying pokemon. “There’s got to be one somewhere,” she said. “Keep your eyes peeled for anything that can fly.” Flareon and Karen’s other pokemon nodded.

Suddenly, Clefairy got very excited. Flareon looked over, and there was a Tropius munching on some leaves. It looked like a green and brown dinosaur, with bananas growing on it’s chin. Then Karen looked over.

“A Tropius!” she cried. “Those can fly!” Flareon launched a Fire Spin at the Tropius. It missed, but it got the Tropius’ attention. Tropius sent a barrage of Razor Leaves at Flareon, but Flareon dodged them. This continued for a while, until Flareon used an Overheat.

This considerably weakened Tropius, burning it badly. Tropius roared in anger and fired a Bullet Seed at Flareon. This hit Flareon twice. Flareon ran over and chomped down on Tropius’ leg. Tropius tried to blow Flareon off with a Gust, but Flareon hung on. Tropius began to fly, but Flareon jumped up on Tropius’ back, and used a Flamethrower. Tropius collapsed. Quickly, Karen threw a timer ball.

The ball wiggled for a few moments, and then the ball made a pinging noise. Tropius had been captured!

Karen released Tropius. She put a Sooth Bell around Tropius’ neck. “Yes!” she cried. “Now I can explore Mount Silver!”

Flareon and Karen went high up on Mount Silver. A bush rustled. Out popped a small brown bearlike pokemon. It had a white crescent shape on it’s forehead – a Teddiursa! “Awwww,” cooed Karen. “It’s so cute!” Teddiursa began to suck on its paw. It walked over to Karen and smiled at her. Karen was just about to capture it with a Luxury Ball when there was a roar!

Karen spun around. There, crashing out of the bushes, came a huge mother Ursaring!

It was huge – about six feet high Flareon guessed – With a yellow ring on it’s stomach, it looked amazing. It’s body was large and stocky, brownish, with furry shoulder patches.

A green-haired boy came rushing over. “That’s my Ursaring!” he cried. “I’m so sorry!”

Karen looked relieved. “Could you call it off?”

“I’m sorry,” said the boy in a rush. “That Teddiursa must be its cub! I didn’t know when I caught the Ursaring!”

“Just try to call it off!” screamed Karen as the Ursaring advanced.

“I’ll try,” said the boy grimly. “Ursaring, return!” The Ursaring easily dodged the laser that shot out of the pokeball. It then stomped over to him, slashing at him. The boy scrambled up and tripped. The boy flung up an arm, trying desperately to get away. The Ursaring swung a huge paw and sent the boy flying. The boy slammed into a tree and fell, motionless, into a clump of bushes.

Flareon shot a Fire Spin at Ursaring, infuriating it. Karen then sent out Roselia, hurting Flareon’s feelings.

I beat that demented hockey mask, Glalie. I beat that shiny Mightyena. Now she’s sending out Roselia. I could do it. I’m positive.

Flareon watched as Roselia sent out a barrage of glowing leaves – a Magical Leaf by the looks of it - at Ursaring. Ursaring swatted the attack away, and lunged at Roselia!

The Teddiursa looked scared. Flareon launched the huge blast of flames that was called a Fire Blast, hitting Ursaring in the face. Ursaring stumbled, and fell.

Flareon was just about to finish it off when the boy, who seemed battered, limped out of the woods. “Ursaring, return,” he gasped, calling the huge bear into it’s Ultra Ball, and then he uttered, “Catch that Teddiursa. It may sooth Ursaring’s temper.”

The boy then fainted. Flareon looked at Roselia, who looked embarrassed and shaken.
She then offered Teddiursa a Luxury Ball. Teddiursa thought for a moment, and smiled
at Karen, it’s eyes shining. Karen then sent out her pokemon, and introduced Teddiursa
to each pokemon.

“Tropius, would you be able to carry Flareon, this boy, and I to the campsite?” Karen asked.

Tropius looked insulted. It then kneeled down and looked at Karen expectantly. Karen laughed, “Oh Tropius, thank you!”

Flareon ran over, jumped onto Tropius’ back, and sat down. Karen slung the boy over, and climbed on. Tropius got a running start, and took off into the air.

Flareon was amazed at how Tropius could carry them all and still fly so well. It seemed magical. This was different than the plane ride. Flareon liked this.

Flareon could see the entire mountain below. A flock of blue birds with cloudlike wings flew by. Swablu and Altaria, Karen called them. They looked like food to Flareon.

Tropius began to glide down to the campsite. Flareon could see Karen’s father below, dumbstruck. Tropius glided down in a smooth landing.

Karen hugged Tropius and sent out Teddiursa. “Dad, look!” she said, “Look at these pokemon that I caught.”

Karen’s father was amazed. “You’re really becoming a trainer.” He said, more to himself than to Karen, “Professor Elm called me a few minutes ago. You can – I mean – do you want to go on a pokemon journey?”

Karen’s eyes glowed with pleasure. “If it’s all right with you, I’d love to.”

“Professor Elm would like to meet you on the day-after-tomorrow. I have a meeting at the lab that I need to tell you about first. It’s about – what the?”

A net had shot out from the woods, covering Karen’s father. An engine roared to life, and a helicopter with a big “R” on the side flew out.

At this moment, the boy awoke. “What’s happening?” he asked. Then he spotted the helicopter. “No way? Them? Here? Go Phanpy! Stop that helicopter!”

A small, blue, elephantlike pokemon burst out of it’s pokeball. It had a red patch on it’s trunk, and two patches on each ear.

It began rolling to the helicopter, and then smashed into it with it’s side. As it fell, the helicopter dove down and smacked the Phanpy away with it’s blades. The blue elephant instantly fainted and smashed into the earth.

The man in the cockpit shot a dart at Tropius, who had been told by Karen to use a Solarbeam, knocking it out.

Karen’s father was shouting something, but the helicopter’s roar drowned it out. Karen screamed in frustration, and began to cry.

Flareon would’ve shot a Fire Blast at the helicopter, but was afraid to because he might hit Karen’s father. The helicopter was far away by now, and above the dull drone of the helicopter, Flareon could hear Karen crying.


To be continued.....


_______________

Is this any better? I hope so.

Enjoy!

 

[~*Myuu the Ryuu*~]

yep, it's better. too bad they didn't get to actually train, though.

10/10. keep it up!

 

[Mawile XD]

10/10? Wow, that's much better than I expected! The reason that it's better is a long story. I began writing this a while ago, but I lost my notebook, and that gave me time to think about the rest of the novel. Flareon hasn't trained much, yet, because it never had the time. It's fairly decent at battling, because it needed to survive before it was captured. It will train, though, in the next chapter there's a huge battle. For a fun fact, Flareon is at level 16. It's moveset is: Flamethrower, Fire Spin, Fire Blast, and Toxic.

 

[~Fire&Ice~]

A couple things.

How did Flareon learn all these fire attacks out of nowhere?
The battle scenes were a little too fast. But they are getting better. Generally, you just need to slow things down a little bit.
Give more descriptions like why did Karen give a soothe bell to Tropius. How did she get it?

A couple things I did like were how Tropius looked insulted when Karen asked for a ride. You are getting better though! Keep up the good work!

 

[Mawile XD]

Flareon just - well - you got me. He just learned Fire Spin, but Flamethrower and Fire Blast are able to be learned at much higher levels. Since Karen has a stash of TMs, she might have just given Flareon new TMs to suit it's new body. Remember, a bit of time passed after the contest. Since Karen just caught Tropius, she probably gave it a Soothe Bell to gain friendship. I'm writing the next chapter in my spare time.

 

[Mawile XD]

Chapter 5: A Rival for Karen?


The boy leaned down to comfort Karen. “It’s okay,” he said, “We’ll rescue him. I’ve got a Pelipper that can use Fly.”

She angrily swatted him away. The boy bent down again, angry this time. “I was going to tell you that we just might be able to rescue that man, but you obviously don’t care to hear it, so I won’t say it.” He said, in a voice that sounded like he was angry, his tones trembling slightly.

Karen looked up, her eyes red and swollen. “What is it?” she asked, “Please tell me.”

“I’ll tell you if you can defeat me in a battle.” replied the boy, still speaking angrily.

“There’s no time for that now!” howled Karen, “My father’s been abducted by – um.”

“Team Rocket,” finished the boy.

“Yes, Team Rocket – I knew that – and I have to see the Professor on the day after tomorrow.” she wailed, “I don’t know what to do…”

“I’m sorry,” said the boy uncomfortably, “I didn’t know that he was your father. My name’s Corey, by the way. Who are you?”

“My name’s Karen Aristovok,” she said miserably.

“Then Maximillion Aristovok is your father?” asked the boy, “He’s a business associate of my dad’s” said the boy named Corey, “Let me battle you to test your skills. That way, I can figure out what you’re up for.”

“There’s no time!” said Karen, “We need to save him! What if they’re doing science experiments on him?”

“Let’s put it this way,” said Corey dryly, “I can’t take you into battles that you’re not ready for. Besides, your pokemon could use experience. This will be good practice for both of our teams. I have a minimized healing device, invented by my father, to heal your pokemon. Your Tropius is knocked out, and I won’t let you use Pelipper until we battle.”

Karen scowled, then said, “Fine. I’ll battle you. Anyway, who is your father?”

“His name is Robert Elm,” said Corey, “and he works as a professor in New Bark Town.”

“Really?” gushed Karen. “He’s the professor that I’m going to meet!”

“Cool,” said Corey. “But heal your pokemon while I heal mine.”

“Okay,” replied Karen, suddenly cheerful. “Here you go guys!” she said as she passed out berries.

Flareon looked at Corey’s pokemon. There was the Phanpy that he’d seen before, a white and blue pelicanlike pokemon called a Pelipper, a yellow and blue pokemon with three points crammed together that looked like a Manectric. There was a Shroomish, a mushroom colored brown with green spots. There was a greenish little bird called a Natu, a black and purple pig that seemed to be a Grumpig, and the Ursaring that had attacked them earlier. Corey was telling the Ursaring to go back to the mountain to reproduce. It looked relived, then stalked off.

Flareon was glad that Ursaring hadn’t seen Teddiursa, because if she had, there would’ve been an event similar to what had happened earlier.

Corey noticed that Karen had seven pokemon. “This will be a six-on-six match,” he told her. “So you can’t use one of your pokemon.”

Karen chose not to use Clefairy. It smiled at her from the sidelines.

Karen and Corey each got ready a pokeball to start with. When they threw them, out came a Grumpig and a Tropius. Corey quickly yelled, “Hyper Beam!”, just as Karen yelled “Solarbeam!”

Both pokemon charged their attacks, then released them at exactly the same time!

Hyper Beam was an awesome attack. It could faint a pokemon easily. Solarbeam was the strongest move that a Grass-type pokemon could learn.

The two beams smashed into each other, and reverberated away at sideways angles, harming neither pokemon. Both pokemon regained energy, panting. Then, without warning, Grumpig fired a blast of blue energy, a Psybeam, at Tropius.

The attack struck Tropius in the side, wounding it. Tropius then struck Grumpig 4 times with a Bullet Seed. Flareon suddenly noticed that the Grumpig was holding a Twistedspoon.

Corey’s brow was furrowed, his eyes deep in thought. Suddenly he brightened, and said, “Grumpig, Flash!”The two pearls on Grumpig’s head emitted a strong light, blinding Tropius momentarily.

Karen frowned, then smiled. “Tropius, you can’t see, but you can still use Earthquake!”

Tropius began to stomp on the ground, but Corey said, “Bounce!” Grumpig used its tail as a spring and shot into the air. Karen looked confused, but then shock crossed her face as Grumpig plummeted down at Tropius.

“No!” she screamed as Grumpig crashed into Tropius, causing it to faint.
Corey smirked. Your pokemon may look pretty, but they’re useless in battling!” he shouted at her triumphantly.

Karen looked annoyed. “Jigglypuff, come on out!” she cried. “Use Sing!”

Jigglypuff smiled, as unknown to it, Karen and Corey put on earplugs. Flareon put his paws over his ears, and, thinking quickly, bit himself to distract him from the music.

Grumpig quickly fell asleep. Corey looked worried. “Wake up Grumpig!” he begged it. “Just try to awaken.”

Karen grinned. “Jigglypuff, use Shadow Ball!”

Flareon almost laughed when he saw Jigglypuff’s tiny arms throwing balls of darkness continually.

Grumpig woke up, and then fainted. Karen’s cheer rushed through Flareon’s ears like a foghorn, her musical voice echoing, “We’re tied!”

Corey thought for a moment, then sent out Phanpy, telling it to use rollout. “Jigglypuff, use rollout, too!” Karen replied.

The two small pokemon hurtled into each other, but only Jigglypuff was sent flying. Karen was bewildered. “How could Jigglypuff go flying, but Phanpy not, especially since they are both about the same size?” she wondered aloud.

“That’s easy to figure out,” smirked Corey. “Jigglypuff is way lighter than Phanpy.”

“What does color have to do with this?” asked Karen in a confused voice.

“No, no, you don’t get it you twit,” said Corey in an annoyed tone. “I meant that Jigglypuff weighs way less, you numbskull. Now, Phanpy, Take Down!”

Phanpy began to rush at Jigglypuff. Flareon was worried if Jigglypuff even stood a chance against Corey’s formidable Phanpy.

Phanpy was knocking Jigglypuff around like a rag doll, but Jigglypuff hadn’t even hurt Phanpy.

Karen smiled. “Jigglypuff, use Sing!”

Unfortunately for Karen, before Jigglypuff could begin singing, Phanpy slammed into it, knocking it out. Now Flareon was sweating hard. This Phanpy was strong!

Karen didn’t seem worried. “Go Roselia!” she called. “Use Poison Sting!”

Roselia fired out a series of glowing darts, each one slamming into Phanpy with great force.

Phanpy moaned. Corey’s face paled. Phanpy had been poisoned.

Every few seconds Phanpy grew weaker. Roselia then used a Giga Drain attack, causing Phanpy to faint.

Corey scowled. He flung out a pokeball, releasing a Natu.

Karen ordered Roselia to use a Magical Leaf, but Natu prevailed, using a Night Shade to block the glowing leaves.

Natu then fired a Psychic attack, considerably hurting Roselia.

Flareon was glad the Psychic attack hadn’t struck him, it looked painful.

A few more Night Shade attacks defeated Roselia, so Karen sent out Ditto.

“I’ll grind that pink blob of Play-Doh under my heel,” sneered Corey. “Natu, use Psychic!”

The Psychic attack missed Ditto, giving it a chance to Transform. Now Ditto was a carbon copy of Natu.

“Ditto, use Night Shade!” screamed Karen, triumphantly.

The attack slammed into Natu. The Little Bird pokemon cried out in pain, then fainted.

“Go Pelipper!” said Corey.

Ditto instantly used Transform, turning into a clone of Pelipper.

Corey grinned. “Pelipper, use Stock Pile!”

Pelipper began charging up energy. Flareon could see Pelipper’s body pulsing as Pelipper’s body began glowing a faint red color.

“Pelipper, use –“

Corey was cut short as Karen cried “Ditto, give it a Hydro Pump!”

A torrent of water poured out of Ditto’s mouth striking Pelipper’s wing.

Corey was furious. “Pelipper, use Spit Up!” Pelipper opened its mouth as a ball of a light purple tinge shot out and hit Ditto, injuring it.

“Ditto, use Fly!” Ditto flew up into a cloud, unseen by all eyes.

“Pelipper, use a Hyper Beam into the cloud!” Pelipper obliged, sending a glowing white beam into the cloud that Ditto had flown into.

Ditto came down like a missile, and smashed into Pelipper, causing Pelipper to faint. Ditto reverted to its regular form.

Now Corey was seething. “Go Manectic, and use Charge!”

Manectric poppod out of it’s pokeball and began to glow with electrical power. Ditto then transformed into Manectric. “Give it a Shock Wave!” cried Karen.

Corey smiled. Suddenly, Flareon understood! The Charge attack stored up electrical energy to use for a devastating attack. The Shock Wave would hurt Manectric, but it would add to its attack power!

Flareon tried to warn Karen, but it was too late! Ditto sent out a Shock Wave, causing sparks to shoot from Manetric.

“Manectric, Thunder!”

A huge mass of electricity smashed into Ditto. Ditto fainted, sparks shooting from its unconscious body.

Karen, usually cocky, looked worried. “Go Teddiursa!” she yelled “Use Dynamicpunch!” In a flash of red and white, Teddiursa appeared. It’s paw began to glow with white energy, forming a ball. It then charged directly at Manectric, striking it in the side.

“Good job Teddiursa!” Karen yelled. “Fury Swipes!”

Teddiursa began to slash at Manectric with the sharp claws that were concealed it it’s paws. Manectric, out of instinct, bit down on Teddiursa’s paw. Teddiursa squealed in pain, and then began to suck on it’s injured paw.

“Give it a Lick,” Karen shouted.

Teddiursa licked it’s paw and looked questioningly at Karen. “No, no,” said Karen, “Use your Lick attack on Manectric.

Teddiursa smiled, then it’s tongue expanded slightly, and gave Manectric a long lick.

“Manectric, give that dumb bear a Quick Attack!” called out Corey.

Manectric tried to move, but couldn’t! It was paralyzed!

Teddiursa walked over to Manectric and began slashing it until the poor dog fainted.

“Holy Miltank!” yelled Corey, “THAT beat my Manectric?”

Karen smiled evilly. Corey glowered back. “I have one last pokemon,” he said in a sad voice, “and it’s Shroomish!” he finished with a defiant yell.

At this, Corey spun around in a blur, and flung out a pokemon. A Shroomish burst out, and oddly enough, it was wearing the same expression on it’s face as Corey, a hopeless scowl.

“Shroomish, Bullet Seed!” Corey screeched!

Shroomish spat out a barrage of glowing yellow seeds, of which a few of hit Teddiursa.

Suddenly, Shroomish began to glow. It was evolving!

The pokemon that Shroomish had evolved into was much bigger. It looked a bit like a kangaroo, with short arms and big red claws. It had a mushroomlike cap on it’s head, and overall, it looked like it was smirking.

“A Breloom!” cried out Corey. “Ooh, I’m going to beat you now!”

The “Breloom” pokemon exchanged a glare with Teddiursa. They each then began exchanging Dynamicpunches. When both fists met, both pokemon were forced back.

“Try a Stun Spore!” called out Corey, not sounding confident with his new pokemon‘s powers.

Glittering, golden spores floated out from under Breloom’s cap, paralyzing Teddiursa. Breloom then finished off Teddiursa with a Headbutt.

Flareon knew that it was his turn to battle. He jumped off of Karen’s shoulder, and got into a battle stance.

Breloom began to charge up for a Solarbeam. Before Breloom had time to release the attack, Flareon used a Flamethrower.

As Breloom stumbled around in pain, still charging for the Solarbeam, Karen motioned for Flareon to come. Flareon trotted over and sat down next to Karen.

Out of her side pouch, Karen pulled out a TM. “This is TM 50, Overheat. I’ll get rid of your Fire Spin attack, so you can learn this.”

Karen pushed the disc-shaped TM into a device that she pressed onto Flareon’s forehead. Flareon could feel the knowledge of his Fire Spin technique vanishing, as new ideas popped into his brain. There was a tickling sensation, and then the device beeped, showing that the move had been taught.

Flareon turned and released an extremely powerful blast of flames, Overheat. At the same time that Flareon had released the Overheat, Breloom had launched a Solarbeam. The two blasts collided, causing an explosion that raised up lots of dust.

Flareon strained to see through the dust. As it cleared, Flareon could see the collapsed form of Breloom. He had won, and his winning streak was intact.

 

[Literate]

He had one, and his winning streak was intact.

I think that would be 'won' not 'one'.

Anyway I think it went too fast. Way too fast. One minute you're talking about contests, the next they're at Mt. Silver. Then you skipped back to the camp and started talking about going on a journey. Then her father was abducted by Team Rocket, then the person who she had just, 'just' meaning like five minutes ago, asks her to battle. One of his pokemon evolves and that's only the last half... Don't take it the hard way but....it's kinda true.

The first half you could see what's wrong with it. Too fast and what would a fire stone be doing in the crater of the contest stage? How can the Hyper Beam explode in Mightyena's face? Can a Poocheyena even learn Hyper Beam? And also the point of main character. First couple of chapters you were basing on Eevee/Flareon's point of view. Then you switch to Karen and it's getting a bit confused..... Don't worry about it. I like things almost perfect. Well, stories anyway.

And what someone else said, more description. Just put some at least. I know you're trying hard but some of it doesn't make sense.

 

[~Fire&Ice~]

Good, good. I see that you are trying to slow things down a bit but it still needs to go like WAY slower. Your descriptions are getting better like when you were describing the Pokemon. But it still needs to have a little more. Ask yourself,"What would a person who has never seen [insert whatever you're talking about] think of in their minds if I describe it like this."

Flareon just - well - you got me. He just learned Fire Spin, but Flamethrower and Fire Blast are able to be learned at much higher levels. Since Karen has a stash of TMs, she might have just given Flareon new TMs to suit it's new body. Remember, a bit of time passed after the contest. Since Karen just caught Tropius, she probably gave it a Soothe Bell to gain friendship. I'm writing the next chapter in my spare time.

Thats a nice, but dont tell me, put it in your writing!

But you are improving and dont take my comments too hard. Im not trying to pick on you or anything. You have a great fic in the making. It just needs a couple stuff and it will become even better.

 

[Mawile XD]

Sorry, but I've been busy thinking of a villain for this story. I'll start writing the next chapter now...

 

[~Fire&Ice~]

well you should kind of hurry before people start losing hope!

 

[Mawile XD]

Sorry, I've been busy with projects with school, and my computer keeps deleting large sections of the chapter. I have also been thinking of ways to develop my new character.

Anyway for a preview......

Chapter 6: The Awakening of Legends​

Tin Tower, Ecruteak City

On the top of the Tin Tower nothing seemed to be happening. Then clouds shifted. Directly above the Tin Tower, a rainbow arched over Ecruteak City. Four bells rang deeply, their tones showering noise over the city. A man wearing a light blue headband over straw-colored hair watched in awe.

An assistant of this man ran up to him. "Morty," he called, "Do you see the rainbow over the Tin Tower?"

"Yes," replied the man who seemed to be called Morty. "Ho-Oh's back."

"But what will the city do?" The assistant whined, "People look up to you! You should choose."

Morty laughed. "Walter, you flatter me. I can do nothing about Ho-Oh, and you know it. Do you think that I could really stop Ho-Oh?"

"Yes," replied Walter peevishly. "You could. Stop fooling around and do something!"

Morty's eyes blazed in anger. "No!" he yelled. "I could not! I am powerful, yes, that is true, but it is completely beyond my power to stop that creature. All that I am going to is wait for Ho-Oh to do whatever has called it, and then let it leave! If it attacks the city, I will fight it, but I know that I will lose. I have fought another legend before, and I lost bitterly. Ho-Oh is almost unstoppable. I can do nothing!"

Walter looked terrified at Morty's blowout, but said nothing.

Morty gasped, then pointed. As the sun began to rise, a golden shape was appearing at the top of the tower.

It grew, until the silhouette of a monsterous bird was completed. Then the shape began to glow white, releasing Ho-Oh, ruler of Johto!

Ho-Oh perched on the Tin Tower for a few seconds, then rose off, into the clouds. It was needed elsewhere.

Meanwhile...​

Whirl Islands

Pryce felt very relaxed. He was taking a break from leading the gym in Mahogany Town. His arthritis had been acting up, and he'd decided to close the gym for a week to go to the Whirl Islands. Here, his doctor had said, was supposed to have a wonderful climate.

Pryce scowled. The first two days that he'd been there had been fine, he'd admit that. Currently, it looked as if rain was about to pour down on him.

Suddenly, Pryce sat up. There was a whirlpool, and a boat was being sucked into it!

EDIT: I'm sorry to say it, but this fic is dead.

 

[-Freedom'sWarrior-]

I like this fic, Mawile! Very exciting and fast-paced!