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The serebii tale (PG-15)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Mrmuffin123, Apr 20, 2012.

  1. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Hi, this is my fanfic, the characters are based on my friends on serebii. Other members on serebii will be included! Just ask. This fanfic is rated pg to 15 due to some strong references to sex and violence.
    Here it goes! edit, this is the edited chapter.

    Chapter 1, meet Mustafa
    Mustafa woke up to the early hours in the morning, his alarm clock blaring in his ears. He stiffly got up from his bed while trying to avoid the temptation of smashing his alarm clock.
    He didn’t really feel like leaving his room, so he reached for his television remote and flicked it on. He sat crossed legged as he searched for something good to watch.
    After about twenty minutes his eyes were getting drowsy due to the boring shows on, but he suddenly shot a look of disgust as he came across what he thought was the most revolting program ever. The Pokémon Centipede.
    He was a big fan of horror films but some films made him feel uneasy. He switched of the horrible film and decided it was time to get up.
    He walked out of his spacious room, only stopping to look at his league trophy; it was awarded to him when he beat all the leagues in all regions, well, except the new Hinusia region.
    He walked downstairs and was greeted by
    Lopunny. Lopunny was one of his oldest Pokémon, due to being part of his original team. Mustafa was reminded of when he first met Lopunny, it was precisely five years ago when he snuck out of his parents’ house in jubilife city. He wandered off, not knowing where he was going, only to find himself lost in Eterna forest. He was shivering with fear while hiding in a bush, trying not to draw attention to himself. He thought he would never get back home until he found a Buneary, she provided him with berries and led him out of the forest. And ever since that day, they had been best friends.
    Now she was different though, she wasn’t much of a battler but always aided Mustafa in his jobs.
    “Lop! Lopunny!” Lopunny said as she greeted Mustafa.
    “Hi Lopunny.” Replied Mustafa as he sat down and made himself a bowl of cereal. There was sunlight shining through his window, illuminating the whole kitchen. The flower patterns on the walls were as colourful as ever, with their pink and green shadings. The handles on the cupboards reflecting the sunlight, leaving a small glint behind.
    Once Mustafa finished eating he left Lopunny and headed for the garden, where his proper Pokémon team awaited him. This team was the one he had used to defeat all the leagues. He opened the door leading to the garden and was greeted by his Pokémon. Infernape, Metagross, Tyranitar, Excadrill, Shuckle and Blissey. All of them where busy training, practising their moves while improving their skills. He approached his Metagross, who was busy practicing his meteor mash.
    “hey buddy, ready for our battle with Kevin?” asked Mustafa, pleased with his Pokémon’s progress.
    “Meta!” replied Metagross, nodding in agreement.
    Mustafa smiled as he took Metgross’s poke ball and called him back.
    Suddenly, Mustafa heard his doorbell ring, he realised no one was awake that early in the day, no one except Kevin.
    Last edited: May 1, 2012
  2. ChloboShoka

    ChloboShoka Writer

    There's lots of things to work on, but at the moment the main problem in my opinion is that I think the first chapter is far too short. The first chapter has to grab readers from the word go and sadly, I didn't find it interesting at all, although I think with a lot of effort that this story could be a lot better than it is now. But I've seen you comment on other fics, so my advice would be to keep on reading and writing and you will improve naturally. On the bright side, I think it's really sweet to include your friends in a fic because it shows how much you appreciate them.
  3. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Okay then, I think I might need a bit more planning involved (I just thought "hey, let's write a fanfic!" and a couple minutes later it's finished.) I'm going to work on everything. But thanks any way. And by the way, could you specify what other things you thought were wrong with the story?
  4. Trickster Zorua

    Trickster Zorua AMUSING STARTER FTW

    Hey dude, I got your message. It's a good start, but it's far too short, but funny you use me in your fic. :p Oh, and use more Capitols. I don't know if you use it or have it, but try Microsoft Word.
  5. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    I'm writing this fanfic out on the text box at the bottom of this page. I know it's a bit short. I always start my storys off with short starts, but short and sweet, right?
  6. Trickster Zorua

    Trickster Zorua AMUSING STARTER FTW

    Yeah, but (and also other people surley) recommand you to use Word. It's easy, and put automatical Capitols. :)
  7. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Ok then, il just be really careful to put capitols
  8. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie 桜咲くこの坂を今も上っている

    Okay, for starters, there's this I need to point out.

    Uh-uh, you don't do that. You type out your story in a Word document, because that way, you'll have less spelling and grammar errors to deal with, and also so you won't have to feel rushed about writing a chapter. In a text box, you always have to deal with being signed out and all that.

    This also tells me you are writing this out in an effort to get your name out there quick. This is not a good sign. If you want to write about your friends here, fine, but you need to show signs you care about it, or it's not going to look good for you.

    All right, to the critique.

    Already, we have a problem.

    "Mustafa" is someone's name, thus it should be capitalized.

    Second, the period after the number "1" is rather unappealing. A colon or hyphen will suffice.

    It would also look more visually appealing if it was underlined or something, but nothing too fancy. But this is only an option.

    Now before I pick apart the story, I can see you don't have paragraphs. A block of text hurts people's eyes, so naturally, it's unwanted. Paragraphs are to be used when you're switching between a thought-process, dialogue, or when a speech gets too long.

    Okay, not a bad start. I honestly think you should have some ambiance, though. You need to guide us to the main character waking up in bed. While not being overly descriptive, you can show us what his room looks like, or what the day is like outside while transitioning "through" the window into his room. Something like that. It's a bit bland to see someone waking up without something to guide us to that part.

    It's also a "telling" when we need to be "shown" what's going on.

    Should be capitalized, or written out as "television".

    Mmm, I wouldn't use "telly" in a paragraph like that. It's more proper to just use "television" and have "telly" be used in dialogue only.

    Talk like Yoda in description you do not.

    You got some repetition going on there. It sticks out like a sore thumb, and hurts the flow of the story-telling.

    In writing, numbers are written out in words and not as numbers unless they're too large to write out. In most cases, anything under "10" needs to be written out, but perhaps anything under "100" should be written out.

    Instead of telling us what he's doing, why not show us what's going on? Why not show us how he sits, what his facial expressions are like, anything to show us that he's getting bored.

    This is an awkward sentence not because the Lopunny's a servant, but because of the way it's structured. We figured Lopunny was originally a Buneary he caught, but why not give a small back-story on their relationship? It should be no longer than a small paragraph.

    "Ok" is not okay. It needs to be written out as "okay".

    The period needs to be a comma, and Mustafa needs to be capitalized because it's a name.

    Again, you didn't capitalize "Mustafa".

    Also, that was a bad use of transition. Just because he's having only a slice of bread and orange juice doesn't mean we can't have an atmosphere. You need to show us what's going on instead of expecting us to fill in the gaps ourselves.

    That was dull, to be honest with you. I don't want to be told what they are to him, I want to know a little about the Pokémon themselves. How exactly are they important to him besides the obvious?

    Some of the names should be capitalized, by the way, I forgot to mention it with Lopunny. It may be the name of their species, but they should be capitalized when we recognize them as recurring characters. And you forgot the "u" in "Unova".

    You didn't have to tell us this. You could've just led us up to that part, or have him explicitly tell Metagross, "Hey, buddy, ready for the battle with Kevin?" and then lead us to the battle.

    Why won't you capitalize the characters' names?

    And there's an apostrophe before "s", as it's a possessive term. And you also didn't have to tell us he was heading to Kevin's house, we already know the two are going to have a battle.

    Um... what? "Tales" is the name of... an actual person? Okay, I understand that you're writing a story about your Serebii friends, but couldn't you make it a nickname instead of an actual name?

    Okay, first problem: you didn't capitalize the first words in each separate piece of dialogue.

    Second: you spelled "probably" wrong. I'll let you pass with "pulverise" since you're from Great Britain or Australia, or any places where you spell words as such.

    Third: you didn't capitalize the characters' names.

    I find it hard to believe you can capitalize "Kevin" but not "Mustafa" as it's a name.

    The last sentence is fine, since you'll have a battle start at the beginning of the next chapter--hopefully.

    And after all that and the short size of the chapter, you can tell I didn't like this chapter. It's obvious you thought it up on a whim (especially since you told us explicitly you just typed it into the text box), so there's no telling what the plot will be, and you didn't bother looking it over before pressing the "submit" button.

    Please do not do that in the future, and just use a Word document. If you don't have Word or any other writing program (and Wordpad is not recommended), you can download some free programs from the Internet. You are also encouraged to go back and edit the chapter(s), even though people do generally leave it alone so we can see a due process of improvement. But in your case, you should definitely fix the chapter so you can draw in more readers.
  9. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Okay then, I will edit the chapter on Monday ( I will use a word document, I promise) and write the next chapter in the following week.
  10. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Okay everyone the first chapter has been edited
  11. Trickster Zorua

    Trickster Zorua AMUSING STARTER FTW

    Good edit dude! ^^

    It's still short I think. You must minimal 2 pages with a specific font and a specific size. But the only error I saw was that there's no Capitol at "hey buddy". But it's improved now! ^^
  12. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Thanks! This was two pages, maybe because of the font, but thanks!
  13. Trickster Zorua

    Trickster Zorua AMUSING STARTER FTW

    Okay! I know again the font and the size! ^^ Arial, 12 pt! I think...but I think you need to watch it with Arial and 12pt, maybe you must write then more for one chapter!
  14. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Iim done with the first chapter, any more feedback anyone?
  15. WOW this is great! A little errors here and there but overall, I think you did a fantastic job on this.
  16. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Thank you, il try not to make slot if errors next time!
  17. Diz~

    Diz~ Combat Specialist

    Lopunny punny!
  18. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    There will be more of lopunny, i promise
  19. Mrmuffin123

    Mrmuffin123 First Male Swiftie

    Chapter 2, the evil of team Tekcor.
    Mustafa had no idea how Kevin managed to attract such a big crowd, there were Girls surrounding them, cheering and chanting his and Kevin’s name.
    Mustafa had decided to battle in the nearest park, there were plenty of trees allowing some good cover for the Pokémon. However the ground was covered with twigs, making it impossible to go 2 metres without making a sound.
    Mustafa took his position, firmly holding his Pokémon’s poke ball. His rival standing ten metres away from him.
    The crowd started a countdown. Once the reached zero Mustafa hurled his poke ball, with Metagross appearing out of it with a flash of light.
    “Okay, Dragonite, let’s go!” yelled Kevin as he tossed out his poke ball, with a Dragonite appearing out of it, with the sun glistening on its scales.
    The crowd gasped as the Pokémon were revealed, for a moment there was silence, but then Kevin decided it was time for it to break.
    “Okay, Dragonite, let’s start with a dragon dance!” ordered kevin.
    “Dragon! Dragonite!” said Dragonite as a cloud of dust began to whirl around it, completely concealing the Pokémon. Once the cloud cleared the Dragonite burst out of it, now looking much tougher than before.
    “We’ve got a chance! Use meteor mash!” yelled Mustafa.
    Metagross did so, charging into Dragonite, the power being boosted by the steel gem it was concealing.
    “Dra! Dragon!” cried out the beat up creature, as it went tumbling back, crashing into a gate.
    For a moment there was silence, Kevin had his head in his hands, trying to hide the tears. Until an ear splitting cry was heard.
    There was a group of black clothed people, chaining Kevin’s Dragonite into a cage.
    “Hey! That’s my Pokémon!” screamed Kevin, as he shoved his way through the crowd trying to reach the anonymous gang.
    There were screams emitting from the crowd that were watching the battle, some ran home, some clutched their poke balls, hoping that the gang won’t come and snatch their Pokémon.
    But Mustafa just stood there, there was something familiar about one of the gang members, he knew that person from somewhere, he just couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
    Before Mustafa even knew what he was doing, he was running towards the gang, while Kevin was helplessly trying to free his Pokémon. He approached one of the Grunts; he was small in stature, with black hair, and cold blue eyes.
    “What the heck do you guys think you’re doing?” asked Mustafa sternly.
    “Mind your own business kid, we’ve got business to be done” snapped back the grunt, as he took out a phone.
    “We’ve got the pokemon sir, do you request us to return to base?” asked the Grunt, sounding totally different than he was ten seconds ago.
    There was a mumbling sound coming from the sound, but it seemed to Mustafa that the grunt could understand what it was saying.
    “Excellent, let’s get out of here boys!” ordered the grunt, as he began to break into a run.
    Mustafa approached the familiar Grunt.
    “Who are you guys? What do you want?” asked Mustafa, feeling sorry for kevin as his Pokémon was strapped helplessly in a cage.
    “The names team Tekcor kid look it up” replied the Grunt, before him and the other grunts ran off after their leader.
    Suddenly, an enormous helicopter emerged from nowhere, with the name “Team Tekcor” printed on the bottom. It released a giant chain, grappling onto the cage, as it lifted up Kevin’s Dragonite and flew off with it.
    Kevin lay on the floor, sobbing at the loss of his friend.
    “Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise” said Mustafa, trying to cheer up his best friend. But he got no reply.
    He looked to the area where the helicopter had flown off to, with his words replaying in his head;
    “Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise”
    Hope you enjoyed the chapter1 give some feedback andf I’ll upload the next chapter next week!
    Last edited: May 4, 2012
  20. Trickster Zorua

    Trickster Zorua AMUSING STARTER FTW

    Cool chapter dude! 10/10! I see no errors this time! ^^

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