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The serebii tale (PG-15)

irock245

She wants it
Cool chapter dude! 10/10! I see no errors this time! ^^

ummmm.......

“The names team Tekcor kid look it up” replied the Grunt, before him and the other grunts ran off after their leader.

There should be a comma between kid and look. Also, DOUBLE SPACING FOR PARAGRAPHS.

how many people forget that.

also, why was nobody trying to stop kevin when he was trying to free his dragonite? Why didn't he pull out his pokeball and return the dragonite? It's a cage with no special properties, so the dragonite could have even broken out of the cage as he had +1 attack!

So many unanswered questions.
 

Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
All right, here we go.

Chapter 2, the evil of team Tekcor.

Seeing as this is the name of the chapter, there needs to be some capitalization as such:

The Evil of Team Tekcor

Mustafa had no idea how Kevin managed to attract such a big crowd, there were Girls surrounding them, cheering and chanting his and Kevin’s name.

We didn't really need to be told this. You could just show us the crowd and how big it was instead of mentioning, “Oh, Mustafa had no idea about Kevin attracting a large crowd.”

And why is “girls” capitalized? It's not a name or even the name of a group.

Also, where the heck are your paragraphs, boy? I'll understand if you have paragraphs in your Word document, but you need a space in between paragraphs on these forums. So you're gonna have to break the normal paragraph rule specifically for Serebii.

Mustafa had decided to battle in the nearest park, there were plenty of trees allowing some good cover for the Pokémon. However the ground was covered with twigs, making it impossible to go 2 metres without making a sound.

Perhaps you should have a bit more description about the atmosphere and surroundings here. Also, write out the number as “two”.

Mustafa took his position, firmly holding his Pokémon’s poke ball. His rival standing ten metres away from him.

You got a sentence fragment here. Combine it with the first sentence, or reword it, mainly “standing” needs to be “stood”.

The crowd started a countdown. Once the reached zero Mustafa hurled his poke ball, with Metagross appearing out of it with a flash of light.

Okay, you forgot the “y” for “they”, and the comma after “ball” is misplaced. It needs to be after “zero”. Also, it should be “PokéBall” or “Poké Ball” (or if you can't put the accent on the “e”, then “PokeBall” works as well).

“Okay, Dragonite, let’s go!” yelled Kevin as he tossed out his poke ball, with a Dragonite appearing out of it, with the sun glistening on its scales.

The “withs” shouldn't be in this sentence, like, at all, unless you can rewrite that sentence.

The crowd gasped as the Pokémon were revealed, for a moment there was silence, but then Kevin decided it was time for it to break.

This is a run-on sentence. It can be broken into two at “revealed”.

“Okay, Dragonite, let’s start with a dragon dance!” ordered kevin.

Forgot to capitalize the “k”.

“Dragon! Dragonite!” said Dragonite as a cloud of dust began to whirl around it, completely concealing the Pokémon.

Why not just have “Dragonite let out a roar”? I don't think an actual Dragonite in the anime says its name like that.

“We’ve got a chance! Use meteor mash!” yelled Mustafa.

Meteor Mash is the name of an attack, so it should be capitalized.

Metagross did so, charging into Dragonite, the power being boosted by the steel gem it was concealing.

Mmm... I can let this pass, though it may need to be rewritten slightly. Or switch some tenses around.

For a moment there was silence, Kevin had his head in his hands, trying to hide the tears. Until an ear splitting cry was heard.

Gee, Kevin's a wimp, ain't he? Why cry when his Dragonite just hit a gate?

Also, that's a sentence fragment. Add on to it, or combine it with the previous sentence (which will then need to be split into two sentences).

There was a group of black clothed people, chaining Kevin’s Dragonite into a cage.

...too vague. Describe the scene, not the people.

But Mustafa just stood there, there was something familiar about one of the gang members, he knew that person from somewhere, he just couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Another run-on sentence. This can be split into three sentences if you want to keep the words as they are. Otherwise, this needs to be rewritten. I don't want to be told that Mustafa knew one of the gang members somewhere, I want to see that he's looking at one of them, racking his brain for a name to the face.

Before Mustafa even knew what he was doing, he was running towards the gang, while Kevin was helplessly trying to free his Pokémon.

Again, a run-on sentence. But this can't be broken into two sentences without the second sentence being added on to it. So rephrase this, please.

“Mind your own business kid, we’ve got business to be done” snapped back the grunt, as he took out a phone.

That's some awkward speech. The grunt obviously doesn't know how to structure his sentences. It'd look better if it was this:

Mind your own business, kid, we've got work to do.

“We’ve got the pokemon sir, do you request us to return to base?” asked the Grunt, sounding totally different than he was ten seconds ago.

Um... why is “grunt” capitalized now, but it wasn't earlier? You're also missing a comma after “Pokémon”.

And describe how different the grunt sounds like, don't tell us it sounds different. We want to know how he sounds different. Is he gruff now than he was earlier? Did his voice get higher-pitched? What?

There was a mumbling sound coming from the sound, but it seemed to Mustafa that the grunt could understand what it was saying.

“There was a mumbling sound coming from the sound.”



Don't you mean “phone” or “speakers”?

And of course the grunt can understand what was being said, we didn't need to be told that. And why is “grunt” not capitalized, now?

“Excellent, let’s get out of here boys!” ordered the grunt, as he began to break into a run.
Mustafa approached the familiar Grunt.

Make up your mind about whether-or-not “grunt” is a title, or just a word.

“Who are you guys? What do you want?” asked Mustafa, feeling sorry for kevin as his Pokémon was strapped helplessly in a cage.

Uh... why isn't he trying to stop them? His best friend's Pokémon is being kidnapped. He has a freaking Metagross. Why doesn't he sic it on them to release the Dragonite?

And capitalize Kevin's name.

“The names team Tekcor kid look it up” replied the Grunt, before him and the other grunts ran off after their leader.

Make up your mind.

And if it's title, capitalize “team”, then. And why the heck did he tell Mustafa their team name? Don't they have a sigma on their uniform or what?

Suddenly, an enormous helicopter emerged from nowhere, with the name “Team Tekcor” printed on the bottom. It released a giant chain, grappling onto the cage, as it lifted up Kevin’s Dragonite and flew off with it.

Um... no one saw the helicopter until just now... and it somehow got the whole team name printed on the bottom of it...

...

Kevin lay on the floor, sobbing at the loss of his friend.
“Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise” said Mustafa, trying to cheer up his best friend. But he got no reply.

In other words, “I should've done something to stop them, but oh well, sucks to be you, LOL.”

[IMG139]http://gifsoup.com/imager.php?id=1084904&t=o[/IMG139]

He looked to the area where the helicopter had flown off to, with his words replaying in his head;
“Don’t worry Kevin, I’ll get him back. I promise”

We know that, why are you flashbacking to one second ago?

So yeah, this was bad. Granted, it wasn't like how your first chapter was like the first time around, but there is still a lot of work to be done with how you're telling a story. There's a phrase called "show, don't tell". I mentioned it before, and it's exactly what it means. Why am I pointing it out? Because you like telling us what's going on instead of showing us. A story should be like how a movie is filmed. We need to be able to see what's going on in detail so we can step into that world. You can't expect us to fill in the gaps ourselves (though writers have done that before, but they had a reasoning for it), nor do we want to be told what's going on. We like figuring everything out ourselves, it's the same with "sight".

So for future references, you should look at this page for more details on how to "show" and not "tell".
 

Mrmuffin123

First Male Swiftie
Guys, I would appreciate it if you stop tearing down my chapter and searching for errors to make me look bad. If you are going to do that, then don't read this fanfic. I will also report you. This is a fanfic for those who enjoy reading and don't mind a few errors here and there, not for people that come up with a bunch of errors. And to me its considered as spamming. As for kutie pie; I would like you to stop spamming up this tread or just stop reading at all. The way you write your little "oh I found loafs of mistakes fix then now *whine whine whine*" paragraph is full of little scentences that are just taking the mick out of me. So stop or go away, simple as.
 
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JX Valentine

Ever-Discordant
This is a fanfic for those who enjoy reading and don't mind a few errors here and there,

You know that you got people who enjoy reading and don't mind a few errors and that they're the ones who submitted those lengthy reviews, right? I mean, those two didn't have to spend goodness knows how much of their time reviewing your work, but they did. Moreover, they showed that they at least have a basic understanding for how literature works, which implies that they enjoy reading. The fact that they pointed out that many errors also says they prefer fanfics that are largely error-free but that they don't consider yours to be one of them. In short, you actually caught the attention of your intended audience, but the problem is... the fic doesn't deliver what that audience is expecting, sorry to say. (I can back that sentiment up, if you don't mind me saying this. As I've told you via PM, I unfortunately can't read your work in the first place because my eyes physically can't focus on text on a screen that lacks proper paragraph formatting. Skimming your work and trying my best made me tilt my head at parts. Like the mention of The Pokemon Centipede, for example. And the lack of description for the battle in chapter two for another. But those are just brief points of examples. There's a lot more I could say, but honestly, it's clear to me that you'd probably report me too for saying it.) In any case, that's why they're reacting the way they are to you.

That being said, only person who's making yourself look bad is you, I'm afraid. I would've dropped a (polite, I assure you) review to this thread eventually, but even while considering Kutie's normally abrasive style of reviewing, seeing a writer respond to a reader with essentially "OMG HDU" is a huge turn-off for most sane, reasonable people. It says to me, as a neutral party in the whole shebang, that if I say so much as a tiny bit of concrit or if I say I didn't like your fic but provide clear and politely worded reasons to explain why and how you can make your story better, you'll report my post. Why would I bother reading if that's the kind of risk that I'm taking?
 
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Dragonfree

Just me
Unfortunately, you do not get to dictate what is or isn't spam. Reviewers are allowed to say what they think of your story, even if you don't like it. And believe it or not, people generally don't search for errors to make you look bad: they see errors and point them out so that you can avoid the mistake in the future and become a better writer.

If you're really not interested in improving your work, you can disregard their attempts at helping you out, but you do not have the right to kick them out of your thread and tell them they can't voice their opinion on your story. Much less do you have the right to mock them for "whining". The rules of the fanfic forum explicitly state that authors must respect reviewers. You'd do well to read them.
 
To anyone reading this; Mrmuffin123 has important exams to revise and is currently unable to write the fanfic right now. Waiting would be much appreciated.
 

Mrmuffin123

First Male Swiftie
Okay, my exams are over now so I shall me starting on the fanfic soon since I need get a new computer (broke my other) so I'm gonna start the next chapter in 2 weeks. From now on ill take a bit more time in my chapters so they'll be longer and more accurate in spelling, grammar ect.
 
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