The seven jewls(warning bad grammar)

[dubbi]

Chapter 1

Hi my name is Dan, I'm a ditto with blue eyes. Last weak the king of tryanitar town said he would attack ditto city if the dittos did not give him 1 million dollars. The problem is ditto city is a poor city and we don't have enough money. I needed to think of somthing fast and I did today. Earlyier today my Grampa told me the legend of the seven gems. He said along time a go in pikatown an army of dugtrios attacked pikatown.

"Like us dittos the pikachus couldn't defend themselves" "One day a 15 year pikachu named Adam read a book on the seven gems" "The book said each gem had a power. "The powers were fire, water, earth, flying, dark, thunder and dubbi power."

"It is said that each gem is guarded by a legendary." "The legend is if you get all seven gems and put them on the legendary stone." "You will get power as strong as the legendary pokemons power."

"Adam decided he would go on a quest to get all the jewels. A few months later he returned back to Pikatown succeful. "He drove the Dugtrios out of Pikatown and became a hero. Last month Adam died at the age of 65.

When Adam died the seven gems returned to where they were before. "Also along time ago dittos were able to transform into anything." "But 5,000 years ago the dubbi jewl was stolen from dubbi town and the dittos lost the power to transform."


My plan is if i get the dubbi gems us dubbis will be able to transfom and we will be able to defeat the tryanitars. When I told my Grampa my plan. He told me not to go on a quest to get the dubbi gem because there are alot of evil villians trying to get the gems too and I would get killed. I was not going to let my grampa stop me. I gathered up the strongest pokemon that I could find.

In fire village I found a really powerful blaziken. In aqua town I found a swift and beautiful milotic. In thunder villiage I found a shockingly strong pikachu. I told all the pokemon my plan and they agreed to help. I told my grampa what I was doing and he locked me in my room!

Since I was locked in my room, I could not go on the quest. I called up blaziken, milotic and pikachu and I told them what happened. They told me to sneak out of the house when my grampa is asleep. We made a plan that we would all sneak out of are houses at 11:30 and we would all meet up at thunder villiage at 12:00. At 11:25 today I crept downstairs and I ran out are door.

I ran to thunder villiage as fast as I can. I found my friends quickly and we started talking. We stopped talking when blaziken said he saw two charizards say something about the 7 gems. We all started to listen to there conversation. This is what they said.

" If we get all the gems we can kill King Absol."
"Yes, and than we can become king,"
we heard them say.


Can you guys help me with my fanfic and grammar. Like can you edit the fanfic.

 

[Twitch]

;227; First of all, you have no description whatsoever, and it's too short. Also, try writing in Word with Spell Checker on. It'll also help with grammar.

Also, you're abusing quotation marks.

" Adam decided he would go on a quest to get all the jewls" "A few months later he returned back to pikatown succeful." "He drove the dugtrios out of pikatown and became a hero." "Last month Adam died at the age of 65." "When Adam died the seven jewls returned to where they were before." "That ends my story on the seven jewls."

It should be:

" Adam decided he would go on a quest to get all the jewels. A few months later he returned back to Pikatown succeful. "He drove the Dugtrios out of Pikatown and became a hero. Last month Adam died at the age of 65. When Adam died the seven jewels returned to where they were before. That ends my story on the seven jewels."

Also, you don't explain who Adam is at all.

This is what they said. " If we get all the jewls we can kill king absol" " Yes and than we can become king"

This is wrong. Start a new line for everytime someone says something. Like this:

" If we get all the jewels we can kill King Absol."
"Yes, and than we can become king,"
we heard them say.

Or something like that. The story is a little cliched too.

 

[dubbi]

Thanks at the other forums people just say my grammar and story sucks. Do you mind editing future chapters?

 

[Shiny_deoxys]

Thanks at the other forums people just say my grammar and story sucks.

Well, no offence Dubbi, but it does. Really bad. I am sorry to say that you need help. Let me see what I can do to help you.

First of all, the story has no characterization. This Dan ditto, we don't know anything about him. What is a ditto? What does it do? What does it look likie? You explain nothing, so most readers would have no idea what it was about. I don't want to read about a one dimensional character, and no one else on this site does either.

Second, the length. Way to short, although I guess it is a prolouge so I can let it slide. But that is no excuse for poor grammar and bad description. Also, a major thing that I unearthed, the city was under attack by a large Tyranitar army for no reason whatsoever, and then his Grandfather locks him in the basement, so they escape? Number one, why would the Grandfather worry about locking him in the basement when the city was under siege, and number two, how did he escape the basement.

And, I don't want to count them up, but you spelled jewels wrong multiple times, and I suggest you fix them.

By the way, you never post something bad and ask people to correct it for you. That should be done by your peers at home, or by PMing someone to do it for you. But NEVER post it if it isn't your very best, thats not how things work around here.

If you want my advice, take a deep breath, read some 4-5 star fics on this site, and then start over. If you continue on with this your thread will be closed and you will be critizised multiple times by other reviewers that are a lot harsher than I am. If you work this a lot harder than you have, it might turn out to have potential, but you have to work with it. Good luck.

S.D.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Hi my name is Dan, I'm a 15 year old ditto. A few months ago an army of tryanitars attacked are city!

Our not Are. And why are Ditto's living in a city?

Us dittos had no way to defend are selves and the tryanitars were too strong.

So I take it these Dittos' are defunct and can not use Transform. It's been shown they can even transform into non organic objects, so I find them being defenseless pretty hard to grasp.

It seemed like we were going to lose. I needed to think of something and I did today.

Wow, it took him all day to think of something? And the Tyranitars are still attacking I take it? Then there must not have been many T-Tars as I doubt any City would last long against a torrent of Hyper Beams. Especially if the Ditto's are as helpless as you say they are.

Earlyier today my Grampa told me the legend of the seven jewls. He said along time a go in pikatown an army of dugtrios attacked pikatown.

Earlier and Jewels though maybe you should stick to Gem. It means the same thing. And is Easier to spell. And what is this 'a long time ago in Pikatown an army of Dugtrio's attacked Pikatown.' So, everywhere is named Pikatown?

I think he meant, A long time ago, an army like this, but of Dugtrio's, attacked Pikatown.

. I gathered up the strongest pokemon that I could find. In fire village I found a really strong blaziken. In aqua town I found a strong and beautiful milotic. In thunder villiage I found a shockingly strong pikachu.

You could have found other words outside of strong to describe the pokemon. Like powerfull, wise, swift, agile, cunning, sly, etc, etc, etc. Strength isn't everything. But I guess to pathetic pokemon like you made these Ditto's, it must be everything.

Outside of that, the horrid structuring that you didn't even make in your last fanfic, the ERROR of putting SPACES AFTER A QUOTATION. IE;

" This is not right."
"This is right."

Also don't self insert yourself into the fic;

dubbi power."

like that. Not only does 'dubbi power' sound stupid, it's not even an element pokemon could use. What does it do, badly dub an episode or a pokemon?

Your characters are FLAT AND BLAND. Badly described and about as deep as this plot is. Which isn't deep at all. You further bring horror with this chapter by rushing it. As I get the feeling it could easily be twice this long, or outside of that; better written.

I doubt you even read the Advice for Aspiring Author sticky, because like hell do I see any improvement from your 'Godzilla' fanfiction.

 

[dubbi]

I took most of your advice got any more advice? Should I amke this chapter longer are just make next chapter longer?