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The Sevii Islands Saga

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by Manaphyman, Apr 19, 2007.

  1. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    You're right...but then again, I only showcased their time with him for a few minutes.

    As for Riolu....well the final teams I posted..i decided to change them. There may or may not be a Riolu.
     
  2. Shiny Venusaur

    Shiny Venusaur The Prodigal Son

    ;_; Ohhh well, I can see why as he did just get shot >_>
    And I noticed, when Lindz got a Cleffa instead of...of oh crap what was it >_> well you get the point.
     
  3. Josiah

    Josiah is your favorite

    Speaking of harken not being in the fic for a while, are Celebi, Sadie, or Ash and co. going to be in any of the upcoming chapters? Just wondering.
     
  4. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    I changed at last minute.....again.

    Ash and Co? Maybe around 30.
    Sadie? Same
    Celebi...No idea.
     
  5. duncan

    duncan Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Not a bad chapter or anything, but I found a bunch of errors (you guys didn't see any?). You need a constant beta, who can look over every chapter. It really helps. Anyway, I'm going to be a little extra picky today. You've improved quite a bit since beginning this. You still have a ways to go, though.

    There in steady of their.

    This isn't technically wrong, but you should take a second look at it. When describing something (or someone) don't use the same word more than once. When you start getting repetitive in your description it really hurts the fic in general. I'll show you what I mean:

    That's not really a good example, as I made it far too wordy and it didn't flow very well. But you see what I mean by how it looks better when you don't repeat words. A thesaurus is very handy for things like that.

    This didn't work for me. I know what he went through, but this was extremely bare bones. Add more emotion, more description. A flashback of the battle would also have worked quite well. Remember, it was very dramatic. He probably wouldn't even want to talk about it (I know I wouldn't).

    Replaced you're with your and you misspelt fierce.

    No comma needed between "he continued" and "sternly".

    Seen and experienced don't work together. Scratch one.

    Again, sorry for the harsh review. The thing is, in my experience, negative reviews will nine times out of ten help me more than just a normal "yeah, great job!" sort of review. True, it makes you feel better knowing that you did good. Unfortunately that's all it does, whereas hopefully this review helped a little. :) Just keep working on description and emotions. I know you know how. A beta wouldn't hurt either, to keep those pesky typos at bay. Yeah...
     
  6. niedude

    niedude Don't forget to grin

    haha loved the new chapter! And I hope that if there are going to be three chapters worth of gym battles Mike and the other outshined members get to try for a badge!

    Anyway...

    ;058; Here's the review

    "You can’t just go barging in their, he could be sleeping!”

    You mean “there” and not their.


    “That’s George, and Joey. Their last names are not important.”

    Last names for main characters only XD

    ;058; hey I don’t have a last name and I’m a main character!

    But you’re a pokemon!

    ;058; Oh? Ok then…

    “Harken, wake up. You have company.”
    Doctors don’t wake up patients when they have visitors, especially when they are in critical condition (which harken had a little while ago right?)


    “No. I remember…a bird. A huge white magnificent bird. It killed everything. Everything but me.”
    ;058; Run for your lives! Killer birds are here!

    Good thing the Lugia in my story was not that evil… or Nie’d been toasted, or killed actually… And it should be "killed everyone", unless you lugia went berserk and killed the plants too XD


    “That half hour dragged on for two hours”

    You mean that they were in there that half hour and then two more hours?


    “insisting that Harken get his rest”

    So she woke him up to see them and now she is kicking them out? Bah stupid doctor…


    “He had never seen actual snow.”

    Yeah, real life me hasn’t seen snow either….


    “She hadn’t seen experienced an egg hatching (that was her own) since Eevee 3 months ago”

    Doesn’t feel right for some reason… maybe this:

    “She hadn’t experienced a pokemon egg hatch since her starter Eevee, three months ago.”

    How about that? Not too different but better (right?)

    “Out of nowhere, the ominous figure that was Hannah appeared in front of them.”

    I get a feeling she is not an everyday doctor, if she is a doctor at all… we’ll see I guess…


    “The leader is very tough. She is supposed to be the best ghost trainer on the island.”

    HAHA! I knew it! The doc is the gym leader!

    “Her name is Hannah. Hannah White.”

    Whooo, cool name! (white, a ghost trainer named white XD)

    ;058; makes me want to challenge her!

    Yeah ghost type trainers tend to get a bit cocky…


    And I'm so wating for the bunch to kick some ghost ***! Makes me think if Mismagious is going to be back....
     
  7. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    I do....any takers?

    It's fine....I am improving though? And it wasnt bad?

    Lol..not exacltly a doctor....XD, but I'm glad your excited Nie!
     
  8. UltaFlame

    UltaFlame I'm weird accept it

    just read this, and well... nothin much to say, I din notice much anythin to crit, but then, I'm feelin a little tired now, night.
     
  9. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    lol...I'm tired too. Anyways, glad you liked it....trying to come up with next chapter by thursday....
     
  10. UltaFlame

    UltaFlame I'm weird accept it

    meh, make it saturday, trust me, I think you'll probably wanna post it saturday (next saturday not today) instead of next thursday.

    Iunno why i think so, I just think so
     
  11. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    Yeah probably...I wanna catch up....but it's been real hard lately.

    My grandpa passed away Thursday night....
     
  12. UltaFlame

    UltaFlame I'm weird accept it

    oh... that sucks. I know how it feels, but... well...

    I await the next chapter, for now, lets stop posting here for fear of spam.
     
  13. Lucarioman777

    Lucarioman777 Well-Known Member

    Bummer. Like I said on PR:AP, it sucks when someone dies, ecspecially someone you respect. Man, we need something to cheer us up...

    hmmm... I wonder...

    Be back soon,
    --Lucarioman777

    Edit: Aaaaand, I'm back! I made a little somethin-somethin real fast on Paint to cheer you up (hopefully).

    http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc25/Lucarioman777/SeviiIslandSaga.jpg

    Oh yeah, and I forgot to say Lucario/Gallade/Staraptor pwn all.
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2007
  14. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    That's great LM, thanks! I'll put that up on the main page.
     
  15. niedude

    niedude Don't forget to grin

    Oh your grandpa passed away? that does suck... i hope you are better by the time you read this.

    ;058; Yeah cheer up dude

    And post the chapter when you feel the chap is ready, I know from experience that sometimes writters rush the final part of the chapter to make it in time.

    ;058; You do that but it doesn't mean everyone else does it!

    ...

    see ya dude
     
  16. RobSp1derp1g

    RobSp1derp1g On my way...

    Hey, MM, i just heard the news, that's pretty bad
    i'm sorry
    post only when you are ready
    we will be waiting
     
  17. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    Thank you everyone...

    Yeah Nie..I do rush sometimes...

    Thanks SP....we'll see about the chapter.
     
  18. latioslegends

    latioslegends Well-Known Member

    Sry about your grampa

    Anyways my review.
    Well there were some grammer mistakes, but not to many, unless I wasn't concentrating to good lol. The chap was a little short, but the plot had me going to most around the middle of the chappie. Can't wait for your next chap ^_^
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2007
  19. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    Thanks LL...I'm glad you liked it.

    I will try my best with the new chappie....duncan is gonna beta it, so it will be much better.
     
  20. HELLO! :) I'm only on chappie 16, but i don't want to be a closet reader, and since i asked Manaphyman 2 review my fic, I owe him a review. SO. Really good fic, I know ur a good reviewer from DJ, and turns out you're a good writer 2! so, just an issue, but it seems to me that there r 2 many kids. There's a bunch of characters, and only John and Lindsey do anything. The chapter w/ ho-oh + lugia was really good. Now i want to read BM22's fic! :) I assume eevee has psychic powers because it's predisposed to become an espeon. As 4 "hunter and hunted", methinks dat the galactic people will turn tag into"AAAAHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" so, good fic! (Plz put me on pm list)
     

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