• We're currently experiencing a minor issue with our email system preventing emails for new registrations and verifications going out. We're currently working to fix this
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

The Sevii Islands Saga

Manaphyman

Up all night
Second thing: Yahoo! Gym Battles coming up!

Review: Yes, it was short, but hey. I still liked it. Go Harken! And tournaments! Anyway, this chapter's good. Intro's the tourney in the next chapter, which I'm fervently hoping will be AWESOME! Except that Harken didn't even seem... tired. After all that, a lot of time would have to elipse before he'd be that recovered. Oh well.

With best wishes,
--Lucarioman777

P.S. No Riolu? Bummer.
You're right...but then again, I only showcased their time with him for a few minutes.

As for Riolu....well the final teams I posted..i decided to change them. There may or may not be a Riolu.
 

Shiny Venusaur

The Prodigal Son
Lol, thanks, I should have sent you the chappy. But just as a warning to everyone...Harken won't be in for a LONG time.







As for Riolu....well the final teams I posted..i decided to change them. There may or may not be a Riolu.
;_; Ohhh well, I can see why as he did just get shot >_>
And I noticed, when Lindz got a Cleffa instead of...of oh crap what was it >_> well you get the point.
 

Josiah

is your favorite
Speaking of harken not being in the fic for a while, are Celebi, Sadie, or Ash and co. going to be in any of the upcoming chapters? Just wondering.
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
And I noticed, when Lindz got a Cleffa instead of...of oh crap what was it >_> well you get the point.
I changed at last minute.....again.

Speaking of harken not being in the fic for a while, are Celebi, Sadie, or Ash and co. going to be in any of the upcoming chapters? Just wondering.
Ash and Co? Maybe around 30.
Sadie? Same
Celebi...No idea.
 

duncan

Well-Known Member
Hmm. Not a bad chapter or anything, but I found a bunch of errors (you guys didn't see any?). You need a constant beta, who can look over every chapter. It really helps. Anyway, I'm going to be a little extra picky today. You've improved quite a bit since beginning this. You still have a ways to go, though.

“Now Lindsey, chill. You can’t just go barging in there, he could be sleeping!” John argued, grabbing onto his girlfriend’s arm, much to her dismay.
There in steady of their.

Lindsey was drenched in water, her hair and clothes completely soaked, and still dripping. Mud dotted her clothes, which were almost impossible to decipher now. Mud also streaked her hair, blending in with it’s dull blond sheen. It was a wonder that they had let them in.
This isn't technically wrong, but you should take a second look at it. When describing something (or someone) don't use the same word more than once. When you start getting repetitive in your description it really hurts the fic in general. I'll show you what I mean:

Lindsey was drenched in water, dripping all over the clean hospital floor. Mud covered her clothes, making it hard to decipher what color they were to begin with. Earth was also streaked in her hair, blending in with it’s dull blond sheen. It was a wonder that they had let them in.
That's not really a good example, as I made it far too wordy and it didn't flow very well. But you see what I mean by how it looks better when you don't repeat words. A thesaurus is very handy for things like that.

“I killed a man, John. I shot him, square in the chest. I ran towards the bunker, to try and help him. It was so chaotic and violent. There was no emotion, no fear, no thoughts.” He attempted to explain.
This didn't work for me. I know what he went through, but this was extremely bare bones. Add more emotion, more description. A flashback of the battle would also have worked quite well. Remember, it was very dramatic. He probably wouldn't even want to talk about it (I know I wouldn't).

“I am flattered that you came to see me, but you need to get on with your lives. You need to beat gyms, and contests, travel the islands, have fun. I will recover, and when I do Lindsey, be on your A game. I expect a fierce battle with you in the Grand Festival.” He ordered.
Replaced you're with your and you misspelt fierce.

“Now go,” he continued sternly. “Live your lives.”
No comma needed between "he continued" and "sternly".

She hadn’t seen experienced an egg hatching (that was her own) since Eevee 3 months ago.
Seen and experienced don't work together. Scratch one.

Again, sorry for the harsh review. The thing is, in my experience, negative reviews will nine times out of ten help me more than just a normal "yeah, great job!" sort of review. True, it makes you feel better knowing that you did good. Unfortunately that's all it does, whereas hopefully this review helped a little. :) Just keep working on description and emotions. I know you know how. A beta wouldn't hurt either, to keep those pesky typos at bay. Yeah...
 

niedude

Don't forget to grin
haha loved the new chapter! And I hope that if there are going to be three chapters worth of gym battles Mike and the other outshined members get to try for a badge!

Anyway...

;058; Here's the review

"You can’t just go barging in their, he could be sleeping!”

You mean “there” and not their.


“That’s George, and Joey. Their last names are not important.”

Last names for main characters only XD

;058; hey I don’t have a last name and I’m a main character!

But you’re a pokemon!

;058; Oh? Ok then…

“Harken, wake up. You have company.”
Doctors don’t wake up patients when they have visitors, especially when they are in critical condition (which harken had a little while ago right?)


“No. I remember…a bird. A huge white magnificent bird. It killed everything. Everything but me.”
;058; Run for your lives! Killer birds are here!

Good thing the Lugia in my story was not that evil… or Nie’d been toasted, or killed actually… And it should be "killed everyone", unless you lugia went berserk and killed the plants too XD


“That half hour dragged on for two hours”

You mean that they were in there that half hour and then two more hours?


“insisting that Harken get his rest”

So she woke him up to see them and now she is kicking them out? Bah stupid doctor…


“He had never seen actual snow.”

Yeah, real life me hasn’t seen snow either….


“She hadn’t seen experienced an egg hatching (that was her own) since Eevee 3 months ago”

Doesn’t feel right for some reason… maybe this:

“She hadn’t experienced a pokemon egg hatch since her starter Eevee, three months ago.”

How about that? Not too different but better (right?)

“Out of nowhere, the ominous figure that was Hannah appeared in front of them.”

I get a feeling she is not an everyday doctor, if she is a doctor at all… we’ll see I guess…


“The leader is very tough. She is supposed to be the best ghost trainer on the island.”

HAHA! I knew it! The doc is the gym leader!

“Her name is Hannah. Hannah White.”

Whooo, cool name! (white, a ghost trainer named white XD)

;058; makes me want to challenge her!

Yeah ghost type trainers tend to get a bit cocky…


And I'm so wating for the bunch to kick some ghost ***! Makes me think if Mismagious is going to be back....
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Hmm. Not a bad chapter or anything, but I found a bunch of errors (you guys didn't see any?). You need a constant beta, who can look over every chapter. It really helps. Anyway, I'm going to be a little extra picky today. You've improved quite a bit since beginning this. You still have a ways to go, though.
I do....any takers?

Again, sorry for the harsh review. The thing is, in my experience, negative reviews will nine times out of ten help me more than just a normal "yeah, great job!" sort of review. True, it makes you feel better knowing that you did good. Unfortunately that's all it does, whereas hopefully this review helped a little. Just keep working on description and emotions. I know you know how. A beta wouldn't hurt either, to keep those pesky typos at bay. Yeah...
It's fine....I am improving though? And it wasnt bad?

HAHA! I knew it! The doc is the gym leader!
Lol..not exacltly a doctor....XD, but I'm glad your excited Nie!
 

UltaFlame

I'm weird accept it
just read this, and well... nothin much to say, I din notice much anythin to crit, but then, I'm feelin a little tired now, night.
 

UltaFlame

I'm weird accept it
meh, make it saturday, trust me, I think you'll probably wanna post it saturday (next saturday not today) instead of next thursday.

Iunno why i think so, I just think so
 

UltaFlame

I'm weird accept it
oh... that sucks. I know how it feels, but... well...

I await the next chapter, for now, lets stop posting here for fear of spam.
 

Lucarioman777

Well-Known Member
Bummer. Like I said on PR:AP, it sucks when someone dies, ecspecially someone you respect. Man, we need something to cheer us up...

hmmm... I wonder...

Be back soon,
--Lucarioman777

Edit: Aaaaand, I'm back! I made a little somethin-somethin real fast on Paint to cheer you up (hopefully).

http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc25/Lucarioman777/SeviiIslandSaga.jpg

Oh yeah, and I forgot to say Lucario/Gallade/Staraptor pwn all.
 
Last edited:

niedude

Don't forget to grin
Oh your grandpa passed away? that does suck... i hope you are better by the time you read this.

;058; Yeah cheer up dude

And post the chapter when you feel the chap is ready, I know from experience that sometimes writters rush the final part of the chapter to make it in time.

;058; You do that but it doesn't mean everyone else does it!

...

see ya dude
 

RobSp1derp1g

On my way...
Hey, MM, i just heard the news, that's pretty bad
i'm sorry
post only when you are ready
we will be waiting
 

latioslegends

Well-Known Member
Sry about your grampa

Anyways my review.
Well there were some grammer mistakes, but not to many, unless I wasn't concentrating to good lol. The chap was a little short, but the plot had me going to most around the middle of the chappie. Can't wait for your next chap ^_^
 
Last edited:

Manaphyman

Up all night
Thanks LL...I'm glad you liked it.

I will try my best with the new chappie....duncan is gonna beta it, so it will be much better.
 
HELLO! :) I'm only on chappie 16, but i don't want to be a closet reader, and since i asked Manaphyman 2 review my fic, I owe him a review. SO. Really good fic, I know ur a good reviewer from DJ, and turns out you're a good writer 2! so, just an issue, but it seems to me that there r 2 many kids. There's a bunch of characters, and only John and Lindsey do anything. The chapter w/ ho-oh + lugia was really good. Now i want to read BM22's fic! :) I assume eevee has psychic powers because it's predisposed to become an espeon. As 4 "hunter and hunted", methinks dat the galactic people will turn tag into"AAAAHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" so, good fic! (Plz put me on pm list)
 
Top