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The Sevii Islands Saga

Lucarioman777

Well-Known Member
Man, I could've sworn I posted a review in here somewhere for your most recent chapter... oh well.

Awesome chapter, mate. Description was pretty good here, plot was good, heck, let's just say I liked it. I don't have much time left, and I think I missed a chapter on PR:AP...

With peace in mind,
--Lucarioman777
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Thanks LM777. I'm glad you were able to make it, after just returning and all. I'm glad everything is up to par.

Anyways, midterms are over, and this week is gonna be easy. So new chapter and rewrites will be done soon!

Btw, I have finished and sent the chapter list to 22111, anyone else want it?
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Sure, I'll send it to you asap.

Theres also a little surprise in there too, but please dont reveal any info to other readers.
 

221111

Well-Known Member
Yeah I got the list thanks. And ignore that last pm, please.
 

latioslegends

Well-Known Member
I'll take a chap list if you don't mind ^_^
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Sure, I'll send it to you asap. Just remember to be quite about it.

I am halfway done with the new chapter, and I'll release another spoiler later today...so watch this spot.
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Alright, I'll send you one asap.

Btw, I havent seen you around lately...have you caught up yet? I'm not pressuring you or anything, I'm just curious.
 

Pokemaster271

Electropower!
It was a good chapter. I liked how you de-ubered John. It really brought him down to earth.

I noticed recently this fic has come a long way since the beginning of the fic.

I didn't notice any grammar flaws, but I don't really look for them.

I just thought of something. The Deoxys. What happened to it? I'm sure you'll clear that up soon.

Well, that's all I got for ya. Oh, and I'd like a chapter list too, please.

Pokemaster~
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Glad you liked it. As I did say before, the object of this chapter was to make John suck.

Well, Deoxys comes into play very shortly...when I send you the chapter list, you'll know.
 

Shiny Venusaur

The Prodigal Son
...didnt I post like last week saying I wanted a chapter list. what happened to my post?
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
@S.V.--I'm not sure what happened. I'll still sent it to you though, I am interested on your speculations...cause you are usually right.

@EP-- It's ok, dont worry about it, and I'm really glad your caught up.

New chapter wil be this weekend though. I have time to write Friday and Saturday afternoon, and I will have it done!
 

BladedScizor

Well-Known Member
Well, I promised you I'd read through this, and I finally got around to finishing what you have.

Anyway, the early chapters had some problems with description and choppy sentences, but it appears that particular problem has been more or less been taken care of. However, a lot of the emotional parts are still handled kinda lightly, mainly the ones involving Pokemon battles that get out of hand or trainers mistreating Pokemon; you tell us that it is a horrible sight, but other than that, there's not much emotion there to make us feel that horror.


I appears to me that the Sevii Islands have some pretty low standards when it comes to Gym Leaders. Hannah will watch two Pokemon pretty much carve each other up without so much as batting an eye, Cory forces the trainers who face him to use grass Pokemon that are weak against his own bug types, and Tide is working for freaking Cyrus!


I notice that a lot of the later chapters seem to be a bid at making sure John doesn't look Gary-Stu; that's a good policy, but I personally think that rather than making John look like a complete jack*ss, a better approach would be to concentrate on the other members of the group a little. So far, only Mike has shown any signs of being even halfway competent, and everyone else just seems to be there to make John look better, to have other people around to have completely random pointless arguments with, and, in Lindsey's case, to provide a romantic interest. Your latest chapter seems to suggest that Lindsey may actually do something halfway intelligent in the near future, so I say go with it if you are.


As I'm sure it's been pointed out, many of John's Pokemon seem able to do things that are a little unbelievable. Eevee's somewhat random ability to use psychic powers was kinda iffy at first, but you took care of that pretty well by having it evolve into Espeon. Budew just threw me off completely, though; a young, untrained Pokemon uses a single grass-type attack to OHKO TWO well-trained Pokemon who have powerful resistances to grass-type moves? Hidden talent or adrenalin or whatever, I'm not buying that one.


As late as it is right now, that's all I can come up with at the moment. If I can think of anything else, I'll let you know.
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Wow, that was both unexpected, and welcome.

That, alongside with duncan's review, was probably the most helpful I've had. I agree with you, the first 9ish chapters were struggling with description, but I was able to reverse that.

In regards to the Sevii Islands Gym Leaders...well.....they're not so great. I had to make them reasonably easy for John, cause it just looks better.

You are correct in your assumption, the last few chapters were an attempt to make John suck. I promise that aound Chapter 33-34, George and Joey will be showcased more. Chapter 31 is all about Lindsey, seeing its a contest one.

Thanks for the review BD, and I hope you continue to R + R!
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
Hi Manaphyman, as promised a long time ago, I would review parts of your fic.

I'm pretty sure that you've improved immensely since your earlier chapters, but have you ever considered re-writing your first few chapters? If you want more readers, the first few chapters have to be good enough to 'hook' the reader into reading more. And to be honest, your first few chapters aren't very good.

Chapter 1

Countless grammatical errors and some formatting issues. As you yourself advise to many other writers, might want to do something about the character's thoughts to distinguish them from the narration and dialog. Perhaps you should italicize them?
Mike has his Bonsly, Joey has his Rhyhorn, George had his Magby. Come to think of it, these pokemon resembled their masters. Bonsly was a brown, short crybaby, but strong-willed and good hearted. Just like Mike, Mike had brown hair, brown eyes, and was just 5’1. Joey was chubby and hardheaded, and had blue eyes and black hair, much like his partner Rhyhorn. George had blue eyes and red hair, and was as tall as him, 6 feet even. He focused on technical details and strategy, sort of like Magby. But what pokemon will be like me, he pondered. John had messy jet black hair, brown eyes, and was tall and lanky. He was 6 feet tall and weighed just a mere 105 pounds. He had almost no upper body strength at all, but he was a great runner. But what pokemon is like that? One way to find out.
Honestly, talking about your character's weights and heights isn't all too interesting. You should edit out any information that isn't necessarily 'interesting'. You have too much useless information in this particular paragraph.

“This is your bag dear, there are four pockets in it: one for Key items, one for regular items, one for poke balls, and one small pocket for berries on the side. We have provided you with a Fame Checker, a Teachery TV, an Itemfinder, and a TM case. There uses are self explanatory, and they are relatively easy to use. So, go ahead put it on.” She explained
LOL TEACHERY TV! XDDD

I think its Teachy TV.

Anyway, this is just lolz, Teachery >D Imma keep tabs on that one *evil laugh*

Anyway on the good side, I like the 'originality' in this chapter, especially the part about getting the egg from the Daycare Lady and creating a 'bond' with it before hatching. Better than walking 200 steps any day lol, but how do you bond with an egg? XD I don't think its been done before (from what I've read) so yeah, props for its uniqueness XD

Chapter 2

Well you've certainly started this chapter better than the previous. I liked how you put an effort into describing the cave.

There was virtually no description of Mamoswine, to be honest, even I forgot what it looks like XD Damned D/P

And the transition between the events was rather odd. I think you went from crazy Mamoswine chasing John to him hatching an Eevee and meeting with Mike all in a page and a half. Take your time dude, let the events soak into the characters, make them aware of their surrounding and the events going on around them. And John doesn't really doesn't seem all too disturbed by almost getting mauled to death by an angry Mamoswine.

“So, what brings you here?” Jon asked blankly.
Is this a joke? lol, did you forget how to spell your main character's name?

“I saw you run from Icefall Cave, and I knew you were either in huge trouble, or your egg was hatching. Since I have no life, I decided to come see what you were doing.” Mike
Mike what? And who the hell admits they have no life? XDDDD
“5000 people are dead, and an island is wiped out. This is the worst pokemon disaster in the history of these Islands.” reported the News Anchor.

On the TV pictures of a blood red pokemon with four arms. That was all he could see, because around the pokemon was a large blazing fire, that was engulfing the pokemon.
*scared* OMFG... IS THAT... DEOXYS? *hides behind closet*

Pretty intense cliffhanger, I'm lovin' that :D

Chapter 3

Some intense stuff here. Deoxys obliterates a whole island effortlessly and some lady wants all three legendary birds. Why she tells some random kid is beyond me? Is she one of those teasers who give you tad bits of information and makes you cringe in agony from thinking too hard? XD



Overall, the first three chapters need major tweaking, I'd get on a re-write right away if I were you, trust me, not only will your readers be satisfied, but you will too, if not, even more so.

Good luck and I'll be reading more of your future chapters, this is one interesting fic :D


Divinity_123 ;196;
 

Manaphyman

Up all night
Yeah Divinity!!! I'm glad you finally had the chance to stop by...and yeah, I have considered re-writing my first 5 chapters...in fact, Im almost done.

Chapter 1...

Yeah...it was flawed, thousands of gramatical and spelling errors (teachery tv ftw...) I agree...in the edited version those heights and weights are gone. I'm glad you like the plot, I beleive it is one of my strong points.

Chapter 2...
And the transition between the events was rather odd. I think you went from crazy Mamoswine chasing John to him hatching an Eevee and meeting with Mike all in a page and a half. Take your time dude, let the events soak into the characters, make them aware of their surrounding and the events going on around them. And John doesn't really doesn't seem all too disturbed by almost getting mauled to death by an angry Mamoswine.
Yeah, transitions were REALLY off. But in the edited version..well...its a lot better. And yep, thats Deoxys. I'm glad the cliffhanger was good...I pretty much left it the same, but elaborated on it a tad. Your review came at a perfect time, because now i know how to fix those chapters!

Chapter 3...

Some intense stuff here. Deoxys obliterates a whole island effortlessly and some lady wants all three legendary birds. Why she tells some random kid is beyond me? Is she one of those teasers who give you tad bits of information and makes you cringe in agony from thinking too hard? XD
Lol, lets go with that. Lorelli is her name, from the Kanto Elite Four. She was sent on a mission. Why she tells John all of this? Well..that connection has yet to be established...but in the next chapter it will be.

Thank you so much for the incredible advice...I will get right on the re-writing. I am glad your intrested, catch up when you can!

Which leads me to this next bit of info..

Regardin the next chapter and rewrites

Life's been real tough lately, with my girl friend, and trying to keep my family in tact. However, after I get through Valentines Day..and the rest of the week, I have Winter Break, so expect great things from me there, I promise!
 
This is a really cool fic.

I like how you make the battles graphic in a way that makes it seem more real.

Agian this fic is awsome, can't wait to see more.
 
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