Hi Manaphyman, as promised a long time ago, I would review parts of your fic.
I'm pretty sure that you've improved immensely since your earlier chapters, but have you ever considered re-writing your first few chapters? If you want more readers, the first few chapters have to be good enough to 'hook' the reader into reading more. And to be honest, your first few chapters aren't very good.
Chapter 1
Countless grammatical errors and some formatting issues. As you yourself advise to many other writers, might want to do something about the character's thoughts to distinguish them from the narration and dialog. Perhaps you should italicize them?
Mike has his Bonsly, Joey has his Rhyhorn, George had his Magby. Come to think of it, these pokemon resembled their masters. Bonsly was a brown, short crybaby, but strong-willed and good hearted. Just like Mike, Mike had brown hair, brown eyes, and was just 5’1. Joey was chubby and hardheaded, and had blue eyes and black hair, much like his partner Rhyhorn. George had blue eyes and red hair, and was as tall as him, 6 feet even. He focused on technical details and strategy, sort of like Magby. But what pokemon will be like me, he pondered. John had messy jet black hair, brown eyes, and was tall and lanky. He was 6 feet tall and weighed just a mere 105 pounds. He had almost no upper body strength at all, but he was a great runner. But what pokemon is like that? One way to find out.
Honestly, talking about your character's weights and heights isn't all too interesting. You should edit out any information that isn't necessarily 'interesting'. You have too much useless information in this particular paragraph.
“This is your bag dear, there are four pockets in it: one for Key items, one for regular items, one for poke balls, and one small pocket for berries on the side. We have provided you with a Fame Checker, a Teachery TV, an Itemfinder, and a TM case. There uses are self explanatory, and they are relatively easy to use. So, go ahead put it on.” She explained
LOL TEACHERY TV! XDDD
I think its Teachy TV.
Anyway, this is just lolz, Teachery >D Imma keep tabs on that one *evil laugh*
Anyway on the good side, I like the 'originality' in this chapter, especially the part about getting the egg from the Daycare Lady and creating a 'bond' with it before hatching. Better than walking 200 steps any day lol, but how do you bond with an egg? XD I don't think its been done before (from what I've read) so yeah, props for its uniqueness XD
Chapter 2
Well you've certainly started this chapter better than the previous. I liked how you put an effort into describing the cave.
There was virtually no description of Mamoswine, to be honest, even I forgot what it looks like XD Damned D/P
And the transition between the events was rather odd. I think you went from crazy Mamoswine chasing John to him hatching an Eevee and meeting with Mike all in a page and a half. Take your time dude, let the events soak into the characters, make them aware of their surrounding and the events going on around them. And John doesn't really doesn't seem all too disturbed by almost getting mauled to death by an angry Mamoswine.
“So, what brings you here?” Jon asked blankly.
Is this a joke? lol, did you forget how to spell your main character's name?
“I saw you run from Icefall Cave, and I knew you were either in huge trouble, or your egg was hatching. Since I have no life, I decided to come see what you were doing.” Mike
Mike what? And who the hell admits they have no life? XDDDD
“5000 people are dead, and an island is wiped out. This is the worst pokemon disaster in the history of these Islands.” reported the News Anchor.
On the TV pictures of a blood red pokemon with four arms. That was all he could see, because around the pokemon was a large blazing fire, that was engulfing the pokemon.
*scared* OMFG... IS THAT... DEOXYS? *hides behind closet*
Pretty intense cliffhanger, I'm lovin' that
Chapter 3
Some intense stuff here. Deoxys obliterates a whole island effortlessly and some lady wants all three legendary birds. Why she tells some random kid is beyond me? Is she one of those teasers who give you tad bits of information and makes you cringe in agony from thinking too hard? XD
Overall, the first three chapters need major tweaking, I'd get on a re-write right away if I were you, trust me, not only will your readers be satisfied, but you will too, if not, even more so.
Good luck and I'll be reading more of your future chapters, this is one interesting fic
Divinity_123 ;196;