The Silent Blade: Kanto Journeys

[NeoCrisis873]

This FanFic justed popped into my head when i was sitting around doing nothing once, so I decided to post it here… on that note I begin:

The Silent Blade: Kanto Begins​

The night before he started his journey to stardom, Jason was dreaming of what starter he wanted to get… but then he awoke with a startle when he heard his parents’ Skarmory screeching its raspy wake-up call. Jason got, and took a shower, got dressed, and grabbed his bag and PokéNav on his way down to the dinner table. “Wow,” his mother exclaimed as he sat down at the table waiting for his breakfast to be served, “you’re up a lot earlier then you usually are.” “Morning, Jason,” responded his father to his wife’s statement. “Mornin’ Pop,” answered Jason in an excited voice. Jason’s mother placed steaming pancakes, two dozen well done sausages, a stick of butter, a plate full of scrambled eggs, a jug of chocolate and slim milk, and a cup of fresh syrup on the brittle table. “Well,” sighed his mother, “dig in.” Jason grabbed a little bit of everything, and started shoving it into his mouth. “You decide which starter you want, Jason?” asked his father after he put his newspaper down on the table, which obviously needed cleaning. Jason finally finished chewing and answered, “Well, I thought real hard ‘bout it, and I’ve finally decided that I’m gonna get a…” The family’s Delcatty strut in with their Poochyena and Golduck. Golduck was carrying a large parcel, and placed it on the floor near Jason’s mother, Lisa’s feet. “Ah,” sighed Lisa, “it’s here.” “What is?” Max, Jason’s father asked. “You know,” stated Lisa through her gritting teeth as she cough-nodded toward Jason. “What?” questioned Jason as he looked at his parent with a puzzled face. “Nothing…” replied his parents in a cheery voice in unison. “Whatever,” sighed Jason as he bent over and pet Delcatty and Poochyena. “Well, I’m off guys,” he whispered to them as though they could talk back, “wish me luck.” “I’ll be back Mom and Pop, as soon as I get my starter…” said Jason in a worried voice. “Promise?” asked his mother in a low, sympathetic voice. “I promise,” replied Jason in a courageous voice as he walked out the unbolted door.

Jason walked along the road and stumbled as he came across an injured Vulpix. “Well hi there little Vulpix, what’s wrong?” The petite, blood-colored baby limped over towards Jason, but fell half way there. “Aww,” commented Jason as he picked up the pokémon. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you back to full health,” swore Jason as he walked up Professor Oak’s sidewalk. Jason knocked on the maple door, at first there was no answer, but then he heard Tracey Sketchit yelling, “Hang on a sec, I’ll be there in one minu…” just then his voice faded as Jason heard a crash. Tracey opened the door while he was trying to restrain Ash’s Torkoal from attacking Ash’s Muk. “I see you still haven’t calmed those two down yet, Tracey,” commented Jason as he grabbed the door and shut it quickly behind him as he strutted in. “Ha-ha,” replied Tracey, “now can ya help me out here?” Tracey was now officially struggling with the two rivals. Jason put down the injured Vulpix on a table and then returned Muk to its pokéball. “Well hello there Jason, here to pick your starter I’m guessing?” questioned Prof. Oak. “Yup,” said Jason as he grabbed the Vulpix and cradled it in his arms yet again, “Well what is it gonna be?” asked Tracey. “I’m gonna have to go with…”

On that note I leave all you critics guessing, as my next chapter will be on its way soon…

;367;{:NC:};368;​

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Heya!

Well, what I noticed first about this story is the lack of paragraphing. The accepted format around here is to double space speech from text.

"Please do separate the speech from the rest of your writing like this in future," said the reviewer.

Otherwise, readers find themselves struggling with huge walls of text that are both tiring on the eyes and tedious to read through. Also, I think there were a few little punctuation errors amongst there. Mebbe run your chapters through a Spellchecker before posting? The one in Word might help with grammar and punctuation as well as spelling (though as far as I can tell, your spelling is fine. ^^)

Content-wise, I'd say that what you've got is relatively standard so far (though your portrayal of the family home was sweet and, with a little more fleshing out, could really add to the 'realistic' side of your story). There's so many OT (original trainer) stories out there that begin with the trainer waking up on the day they get their first pokemon and going off to pick their starter from Professor *insert tree here* - not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's hard to make your story stand out amongst such a huge crowd.

What I WOULD advise, though, is to work on your characterisation to the point that your readers stop seeing your characters as simple 'fill-ins' to the standard plot and start seeing them as YOUR characters. Characters can be the most distinguishing thing about stories, so I'd suggest putting this to good use and making your story memorable through the people it's about. (This is, of course, not the only way to make your story original, but it's a way that I find easiest.)

Remember also that Vulpixes are, like Eevees, considered to be overused - and mostly over used by writers looking to give their characters special pokemon. Vulpixes and Eevees seem to have taken on a sort of stigma of popularity - meaning that they've been used so often and so poorly that readers don't wanna see them any more and may regard trainers who do have them as 'crowd-followers'. This isn't to say that you can't use them but, like the plot, be careful about the way you go about it. I tend to think that people can get away with using any pokemon - from as special and overdone as Mewtwo to as mundane and ignored as Ledyba - as long as the pokemon has a distinctive and believable personality.

Another little point - Tracey restraining Ash's Torkoal and Ash's Muk... mmm, I'd personally advise keeping little cameos like this out of your story unless it's significant for later. Meh, it's up to you, but my own preference suggests that canon cameos aren't as great as using your own characters - probably because the canon brings in all sorts of preconceptions wheras using your own characters gives you the freedom to introduce them afresh to your readers.

Oh, and I didn't find any swearing in here that deserves a PG-13 rating - and my personal tastes prompt me to suggest simply forgetting the swearing completely. I just don't see the point to it. I've not found that it really helps the stories it's in - and it doesn't make your characters/story seem more mature. Not to mention that if you lower the rating, you leave it open to people who don't read higher rated stories (yes, people like that are out there - and they're not all little kids) and may attract more readers. Meh, it's your choice, again, but speaking as a reader who finds that sort of thing a turn-off, I'd recommend just leaving it out.

Anyway, I hope this helps you. As with so may stories that start like this, your story, too, as potential. It's up to you now - put this beginning to good use! Remember that your next chapter will need to be at least a page in Word to comply with the Rules. ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[NeoCrisis873]

Heya!

Well, what I noticed first about this story is the lack of paragraphing. The accepted format around here is to double space speech from text.

"Please do separate the speech from the rest of your writing like this in future," said the reviewer.

Otherwise, readers find themselves struggling with huge walls of text that are both tiring on the eyes and tedious to read through. Also, I think there were a few little punctuation errors amongst there. Mebbe run your chapters through a Spellchecker before posting? The one in Word might help with grammar and punctuation as well as spelling (though as far as I can tell, your spelling is fine. ^^)

Content-wise, I'd say that what you've got is relatively standard so far (though your portrayal of the family home was sweet and, with a little more fleshing out, could really add to the 'realistic' side of your story). There's so many OT (original trainer) stories out there that begin with the trainer waking up on the day they get their first pokemon and going off to pick their starter from Professor *insert tree here* - not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's hard to make your story stand out amongst such a huge crowd.

What I WOULD advise, though, is to work on your characterisation to the point that your readers stop seeing your characters as simple 'fill-ins' to the standard plot and start seeing them as YOUR characters. Characters can be the most distinguishing thing about stories, so I'd suggest putting this to good use and making your story memorable through the people it's about. (This is, of course, not the only way to make your story original, but it's a way that I find easiest.)

Remember also that Vulpixes are, like Eevees, considered to be overused - and mostly over used by writers looking to give their characters special pokemon. Vulpixes and Eevees seem to have taken on a sort of stigma of popularity - meaning that they've been used so often and so poorly that readers don't wanna see them any more and may regard trainers who do have them as 'crowd-followers'. This isn't to say that you can't use them but, like the plot, be careful about the way you go about it. I tend to think that people can get away with using any pokemon - from as special and overdone as Mewtwo to as mundane and ignored as Ledyba - as long as the pokemon has a distinctive and believable personality.

Another little point - Tracey restraining Ash's Torkoal and Ash's Muk... mmm, I'd personally advise keeping little cameos like this out of your story unless it's significant for later. Meh, it's up to you, but my own preference suggests that canon cameos aren't as great as using your own characters - probably because the canon brings in all sorts of preconceptions wheras using your own characters gives you the freedom to introduce them afresh to your readers.

Oh, and I didn't find any swearing in here that deserves a PG-13 rating - and my personal tastes prompt me to suggest simply forgetting the swearing completely. I just don't see the point to it. I've not found that it really helps the stories it's in - and it doesn't make your characters/story seem more mature. Not to mention that if you lower the rating, you leave it open to people who don't read higher rated stories (yes, people like that are out there - and they're not all little kids) and may attract more readers. Meh, it's your choice, again, but speaking as a reader who finds that sort of thing a turn-off, I'd recommend just leaving it out.

Anyway, I hope this helps you. As with so may stories that start like this, your story, too, as potential. It's up to you now - put this beginning to good use! Remember that your next chapter will need to be at least a page in Word to comply with the Rules. ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

thanks a bunch piney, i appreciate the advice , and i'm thinkin of takin the PG-13 rating cause theres no swearing now... anywho, the thing about ash's pokes will be very important for later, cansidering Jason has been ash's best friend since they were two...

NEXT INSTALLMENT COMING SOON!!!
;367;{:NC:};368;​