This is something that crops up a fair bit throughout the chapter – these are two separate sentences that Fusako is saying, not one long one broken up by the dialogue attribution in the middle, so the comma after 'retorted' needs to be a full stop."Someone has to worry about operational security," Fusako retorted, "The fewer people listening in on us, the better."
You've got an extra space after 'Pokémon' here.a second photo showed a picture of a small puffy purple Pokémon .
Melemele must be a pretty wild place, if someone with the zany design ethos of a pokémon game main character doesn't stand out from the crowd."She looks like every other rich tourist on Melemele.
Interesting currency system. Is the yen a global currency in this version of the world, with specific variants around the world? I suppose that is what the games imply, although I've always taken that to be a representational device.with a payphone inside which Fusako fed a few Alolan Yen into
This comes up a couple of times – 'bigwig' is usually written as one word.I've been in talks with all of the local big wigs
You're missing a closing set of quotation marks after 'scenic route'.Fusako deviated from her path back to the Team Skull Hau'oli regional office by way of a "scenic route
This feels like a clunky way to say this, mostly because of the repetition of the word 'walk' and the fact that that second clause is technically attached to 'walk' rather than 'Vulpix' as intended.and Channary, taking her Vulpix for a walk, who still need walks regardless of the temperature.
I feel like that might be meant to be 'young 'un', but like, I have literally never come across the word 'youngin' before, so possibly it's just one I'm not familiar with.A youngin' like you
Interesting. I suppose I would've thought that some of those would have died by now; birds are notably long-lived for their size, but like, falcons and stuff are like fifteen years, give or take. Possibly things are different for pokémon in this interpretation. That's cool if so! (Forgive me for getting stuck on pointless details, but these are the kind of things I'm really interested to see other people's interpretations of.)"They're all just older, really," Fusako said,
Not sure why 'uni' is capitalised here – I don't think it needs to be."Luckily Uni in Johto is state-funded or else I'd be up to my neck in debt."
This sentence could probably benefit from a comma after 'said'."Please enter, Captain," Kate said compelling him to move and letting everyone else shuffle into place before Fusako started the meeting proper.
I feel like there should probably be a comma after 'said' here."Third, I'd like to address the issue of laxness in our security ranks," Fusako said turning to Kauila and his lieutenants,
This question is missing a question mark, and I don't think it's the kind of question that doesn't need one, if that makes sense."By the way, ma'am, what sort of thing is coming up, if you don't mind me asking."
Awww thanks. I wish I could have written "Go Home", so the feeling is mutual. Your writings are why I returned to the site (my last posts here were from 2009 IIRC), since I saw your stuff on FF.net first.. Like, abject assholes organising against the system that created them? That is so much my thing that it makes me a little envious I didn't write it first, and a lot glad that someone else thought to do it anyway.
Oh good, I'm glad it wasn't too overwhelming. My expansion of canon's pretty detailed, but I'm definitely used to explaining stuff to people out of the know, so I try to make the chunks manageable. Also good to hear you like my prose. Fiction isn't something I read or write a lot of so I'm glad it works.It's quite heavy with data, but you've arranged it so organically that it really doesn't feel that way. On a line-by-line level, too, your prose is pretty solid, which is always welcome to see.
Not exactly the most fun or easiest part of fiction writing for me, so thanks for the crits.Grammar and spelling and wording
Her design came off to me as a less generic version of the Hoenn Lady class or something like that. A sundress and hat (the boots really stand out tho) seemed pretty reasonable.Melemele must be a pretty wild place, if someone with the zany design ethos of a pokémon game main character doesn't stand out from the crowd.
My interpretation is much like Game Freaks': hope the reader doesn't notice that the life cycle of Pokemon is held together with old masking tape haha. It's one of those "don't think to much about it too much or canon falls apart kinda thing" since it's not really my focus and it feels a little weird having Pokemon die and stuff.Interesting. I suppose I would've thought that some of those would have died by now; birds are notably long-lived for their size, but like, falcons and stuff are like fifteen years, give or take. Possibly things are different for pokémon in this interpretation. That's cool if so! (Forgive me for getting stuck on pointless details, but these are the kind of things I'm really interested to see other people's interpretations of.)
Glad you like it so far. Fusako's more or less the POV character so I'm glad she's interesting to follow around. I try to introduce a lot of the details of the world through her dialogue with other characters because that feels like the most organic way to introduce the world. The amount of new details will probably decrease over time, but I'm glad that none of its overwhelming. I definitely introduced a lot of named characters in the chapter because it's a good way to add ethnographic texture, but I tried really hard to make sure the names don't get too confusing.Ohhhh now this looks interesting! This isn't a version of Team Skull I've ever seen before, especially not while appearing so competent. I'm curious to see just how much more trouble they can cause while being a solid, organized unit instead of a bunch of goons goofing around.
Fusako is great; she's got the confidence and grit needed of someone in her position, but she's also got quite a bit of sass which makes her fun to read. She seems to know a lot of people and know exactly what to say to each one to keep things going smoothly. All the side characters and plots you've introduced were swallowed easily thanks to her, I think.
This fic has potential; I'll be following it from now on
In each of these cases, the narration should end in a period, rather than a comma. The correct version would be:"I guess it is," Fusako said awkwardly chuckling, "Did you come to bring me lunch, Kate?"
"I know you too well, after all," Kate replied as she positioned her wheelchair next to Fusako's desk, "Lee brought in homemade cornn berry loaf today. Thought you'd like to try it."
"I'd love a slice," Fusako said, fishing out a knife from her desk drawer, "Just put it here. I'll slice some off."
This happens quite frequently throughout the chapter; I just picked an example of it happening three times in a row."I guess it is," Fusako said awkwardly chuckling. "Did you come to bring me lunch, Kate?"
"I know you too well, after all," Kate replied as she positioned her wheelchair next to Fusako's desk. "Lee brought in homemade cornn berry loaf today. Thought you'd like to try it."
"I'd love a slice," Fusako said, fishing out a knife from her desk drawer. "Just put it here. I'll slice some off."
Just want to capitalize "Team Skull" here.As they ate, a man in full team skull attire (designated regional head of security by Fusako herself), entered the office, with a manila folder in hand.
I think the "wore in" here is just a typo (should just be "wore"). The wording also strikes me as a bit fancy in this sentence; "The sun's awesome might" seems like a kind of grandiose way of putting things when the sun isn't really that important to what's actually going on in the sentence.The sun's awesome might didn't deter Fusako from going outside in her almost military style fatigues, which Fusako proudly wore in regardless of the weather.
This is an interesting line of dialogue to me, since it could mean a lot of different things. Obviously the Team Skull we see in the games are rabble and rabble-rousing, but from what we've seen of Fusako so far she seems like possibly the least likely person on the planet to do any rabble-rousing. Presumably she's being sarcastic/teasing by saying this, but how does her part of Team Skull relate to the noisy loser side of it? Are they kind of a smokescreen for the team's real operations? Are they an unfortunate result of poor management in some other divisions? Something else? It'll be interesting to see how this version of Team Skull works as we learn more over time."You forget our cause, Figueroa! For who are we if not rabble rousing other rabble?" Fusako retorted with a scolding tone.
This sentence has a misplaced modifier. "Looking up from his work" refers to the man's eyes, not the man himself, who of course is the one who's actually looking up. Fixing this would probably require fairly extensive rewording; something like, "Looking up from his work as Fusako passed, the man locked eyes with her..." or "The man looked up from his work as Fusako passed, and when his eyes met hers she stopped..."Looking up from his work as Fusako passed, the man's eyes met hers and she stopped, recognizing the features of his soft, tired face.
Book titles are italicised, rather than placed in inverted commas.'No Desert Begins Barren: Kalosian Mining Corporations in Orre'
Using an ampersand here seems kind of weird; I'd just use the word 'and'. Also, I can't put my finger on why, probably because I don't really know how the rules of adjective order work exactly, but I'd say that 'narrow' ought to come before 'densely-packed'. I'd probably also separate them with a comma, rather than an 'and', but I guess that one might just be me.and a densely-packed & narrow bookshelf.
Sometimes, as here, your sentences are slightly awkwardly arranged – like, the intrusion of that subordinate clause into the middle of the main one breaks up the flow of the sentence. I'd rearrange it like so:Jason's Meowth walked up to the bag and, with a casual flick of the wrist, sliced open the corner of the bag,
This comes up a fair bit throughout the fic, so maybe that's something to look out for in future.Jason's Meowth walked up to the bag and sliced open the corner of the bag with a casual flick of the wrist,
Given that this refers to the experience of moving rather than the physical route itself, I feel like 'trip' or 'journey' would be better fits than 'route'.The route from the hallway to the entrance
That should be 'an' rather than 'a'.shot Charizard a only-this-one-time look
'Just thinking about it' shouldn't be here; I'm finding it really hard to explain why, sorry, but I think it's to do with the use of the word 'incensed' and the particular structure you've chosen.The purchasing of valleys where Alola's few Charizards made their nests and the subsequent exploitation of their populations for cheap transportation by WingService Inc (a subsidy of the corporate leviathan, Unovan-Kalosian PLC) incensed Fusako just thinking about it,
That should be 'he', not 'his'. Also, I feel like you only need to say either 'soar' or 'darted about the sky'; this doubling up of information happens a few times and slows things down a bit.to soar as his darted about the sky
'She' shouldn't be capitalised here, and that should be a full stop after 'apologized'.“Thanks, Thomas,” She apologized, “Sorry for imposing
I feel like several different sentences from different drafts have ended up bumping into each other here, and I'm not quite sure which one you intended to be the final version."Guzma said it was an issue of 'certain Admins' moving using their forces for 'non-revolutionary' activities instead 'protecting their own people'," Guanyu explained.
Missing an 'al' at the end of 'additional' here.and therefore, not much in the way of addition revenue,” Kate added.
Missing an E at the end of 'masse' here, and I guess there's an argument to be made for italicising en masse, depending on how integrated into English you consider the borrowing to be.catch strong Pokémon en mass
'Any more' is two words.bring anymore problems like this up with Zhou.”
The apostrophe here should be before the S, rather than after.one facet of Team Skulls' image problem.
That should be 'changing', rather than 'change'. Or possibly there's a 'trying to' missing before 'change'.who are actually change Alola for the better.”