The Spirits

[~*Nobody*~]

Well here I am once again.... hehhehheh! I'd rate the whole thing as PG. Some chapters do get gory so small children and pregnant woman go away!

Chapter one: 3 new friends ​

“YES! Today is the day I get my Pokemon!" Samantha said jumping out of bed. She looked at her calendar which had a big red mark on that day. The only thing that could stop her now was some sort of disaster, but that was not going to happen because it was going to be a sun filled day.

Other kids in the neighbor hood had gotten there Pokemon and left. Samantha was the only of three old enough left to get her Pokemon. One of the other two was a girl, named Tyra she was always near the water. The other was a boy, named Quinn he was always near the forest studying the plants. Samantha was always near a Volcano that was just on the other side of town.
Samantha had long brown hair, with deep orange-brownish eyes. Samantha wore an orange shirt with a pair of dark orange pants. Samantha had a orange mark on her right arm, it formed a flame. The flame grew as she grew.

~ Tyra's house~

"Wait? Is today the day?!" Tyra asked her mom barley able to keep still at the table.

"Yes it is dear." Her mother said putting down Tyra's breakfast.

"YAAAHOOO!!" Tyra screamed to excited to eat. "By mom! I’m going!" Tyra ran out the door with lightning speed.
Tyra was a red head, with aqua blue eyes. She was almost always wearing a bathing suite under her cloths. All her clothes were either a deep blue or aqua blue. Tyra had a long blue mark on her right leg which formed a vortex. The vortex grew longer as she grew.

~ Quinn's house~

"Potion’s, ok I have everything I need!'' Quinn said just as he was going to run out the door.

"Quinn! Wait! Don't forget Pooch!" His little sister said handing a small stuffed Poochyena.

"Fiona, I can't take Pooch with me. He's yours now!" Quinn said handing the stuffed Pokemon back to her.

"But?!" Fiona said confused. Pooch was Quinn's first ‘Pokemon’ as to say. He couldn't, wouldn't go any where with out it. But now that he was giving it to Fiona, she was confused.

"Take it. I don't need it any more. When you get your Pokemon you won’t either." Quinn said putting a hand on her little shoulder. He then walked out of the house with a small tear running down his cheek. The tear was of joy and of sorrow. Sorrow because he wouldn't see his sister until she had her own Pokemon. Joy because he was handing down a Pokedoll that had been in his family for years.
Quinn was a blonde, with green eyes. He mostly wore green. Quinn even had a mark on his left arm which formed a vine. The vine grew longer as he grew.

~Outside~

Samantha, Tyra and Quinn met in the Prof.s office.

"What are you two doing here!?" Samantha protested.

"I came to get my Pokemon, you?!" Tyra said trying to sound polite.

"I did... But I didn't think you two would be here." Quinn said trying to sound polite as well.

"Oh! You three are here! I didn't here you come in." Prof. Kari said scratching his head.

"Ok I'm ready!" They all said at the same time.

"All right all right! I know you want you’re Pokemon! But do you know why you are getting them together?" Prof. Kari asked lifting one of his eye brows. They all shrugged then looked at Prof. Kari, waiting for the answer.

"You see those marks on arms and legs?" He asked looking at the marks one by one.

"Ya! Come on tell us!" Samantha said excitedly.

"Here. Find out for yourselves." Prof. Kari said handing them a long and old scroll.

"Some day time will repeat its self. An evil greater then the evil we know now will rise and destroy the world. That is why the spirits of water, fire and nature defeated the great evil and sent it to deep into the core of the earth. They knew that some day it would come back, the spirits made three hero's that would defeat it when it comes back." Samantha read out loud.

"That’s right. You are the three the spirits chose to defeat the evil that is said to come." Prof. Kari said looking very serious.

"But I'm no hero!" Tyra protested looking worried and scared.

"Oh but you are! Tyra you are the water's hero. Take this Pokemon." Prof. Kari handed Tyra a Pokeball. Tyra took the Pokeball and let out the Pokemon inside.
The Pokemon looked like a frog only it was a light blue. The belly was a darker blue, it stood on two feet. The eyes were a aqua.
“It’s so cute!” Tyra screamed.

“Its called a Tumbra and he is all yours.” Prof. Kari said taking another Pokeball out of his pocket.

“I’ll call him…. Thrash.” Tyra announced.

“Good name. He will evolve into a type of thrashing Pokemon. Now Samantha for yours. This is Cani.” Prof. Kari said letting another Pokemon out of a Pokeball.
A small fox like Pokemon came out. The body was a purple, the under belly and tip of the tail were blue. The eyes were a deep orange, like Samantha’s. The snout was white, it had small sharp teeth. When you looked at his eyes a certain way it looked as if a fire was burning deep in side. It walked on four legs.

“Oh my gosh! Your name is now Tod.” Samantha said picking up the small Pokemon.

“Now for yours Quinn. This is Fernyla” Prof. Kari let out one last Pokemon.
This one looked very different then what anyone had seen before. It had a long vine for a tail, its eyes were a emerald green. It looked like a medium sized tiger. It had small vines instead of claws. Its body was a light green the stripes were a lighter brown. The paws and snout were a cream like white.

“It’s a male.” Prof. Kari said with a beaming smile.

“Well now he’s Jaden.” Quinn said also smiling.

“Samantha yours wont evolve, so I hope you like him just the way he is. Tyra yours will evolve twice more. Quinn Lare will evolve once. Please be careful, and the earth spirit has teamed up with the evil, so be warned.” Prof. Kari said with a very stern look on his face.

“Now say your goodbye’s and be off!” Prof. Kari said waving as they headed to to their own houses.

Ooc: Hey if this Fanfic gets popular I’ll make a RPG out of it when I’m done a few chapters! Yes I thought of this all by myself! ( No I did not copy any one!) If you would like to give me some names for some Pokemon say it!

Cani (Cane-I)
Fernyla (Fern-E- la)
Trumbra (Trum-bra)

 

[Kage]

Let's begin by saying that original trainer fics tend to be failures -- they are the most common of all Pokemon fiction and usually involve basically game/show rehash with the characters slightly altered to tailor the writer. While it is possible to make an original OT-fic, they seldom crop up. I'm by no means saying that your story is a failure -- I'm hardly at a point to tell yet... but I digress.

The main characters are rather generic and dull. They are obviously connected with the three starter elements -- grass, fire, and water. The repetitivity of them all bearing these markings that grow over time begins to read like a children's book. They all leave their homes with bland and unexplored emotions-- exitement, predominately. Did you ever stop to consider how a ten-year old, a mere budding child still figuring their lives out, would take to going out in the wilderness, by themselves?... Perhaps they would be exited at first, but then the tumult of emotions might weigh them down.

The professor's explanation was rather strained. The conveniantly acquired scroll's description seemed to fit the mold of 'defeat random evil' rather well... it was also vauge (this could be loosely depicted as foreshadowing, but not really)... the word 'evil' was used several times in succession. Also, consider that word -- evil. What does evil actually mean? From the hero's perspective, they're a bunch of meanies doing something bad (against the law, immoral), although their opponents could have a subtle undercurrent of what they consider "good".

Keep in mind that if you are going to use made-up Pokemon to describe them in detail -- I got a loose image of what they looked like, but their mannerisms were lost to me. For example, a Mankey or Spearow are clearly defined as territorial and usually furious; they would likely not listen to their trainer at first, although (despite being sickeningly cliche) they could earn their respect through a tough battle or something, and become a powerful ally... it is not particularily nessecary to create made-up pokemon in order to depict those three elements.

I didn't touch on grammar and description -- the former was alright most of the time, although I caught several mistakes without looking too hard, mostly homophones. A grammar/spell checker such as Microsoft Word would be helpful, although it should never be trusted unconditionally; you could ask someone to proofread it for you.

Description was lacking in bits -- there was basic physical description, naturally, for both humans and Pokemon. This is good, but it ceased the flow of the story... try to keep it moving despite the fact that something is being described. In real life, you may be looking over something, but does that mean that everything halts for a moment so that you can examine it?

I hope that my concise review helped the development of your fanfiction... I would suggest reading Advice for Aspring Authors for further help.

--Kage

 

[Torkoal]

I love it! you're not far enough into it for me to make a real assesment, but good job so far! I hope this turns out well! I do have a few questions:
1) Will these three be traveling together or will this story just follow Samantha's journey, with the others as rivals? if not will there be a rival or rivals?
2) Is this story set in a new region with new Pokemon? I'm guessing so from the new starters and new Proffesor.
3) Is this set in the Anime or Manga? Will we see the characters from whichever one it is in the story?
thats it for my questions i'll comee back here later and review again once you've developed more of the story.

 

[~*Nobody*~]

To Kages post:
DUH! And there actuley 14. Yes the nighbor hood is very challanged when it comes to catching Pokemon.

Torkoal:
Thank you!
1) There friends. But because... wait I'm giving stuff away! AH!
2) Yes. ( To tell the truth I am constantly making up new Pokemon and regions. I will tell the name of it in the next chapter.)
3)... Uh..... I realy don't know how to answer that because I don't realy know what Manga is!
I will have a rivel for the three characters but he will come up later.

 

[Musical Mayhem]

Hmm, not your average trainer fan-fic. I think that you could describe a little bit about these "marks" and "conections" but otherwise it's good. Maybe it's one of those things you don't want to give away, I don't blame you. Your made-up Pokemon are cool, I like them.

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Thanks... And belive me there are more made ups where those came from! * Looks at folder filled with fake Pokemon that I made up* Yep lots more. And the marks will come up alot more. This was just introducing them. The marks do more then just sit there and make them selves more noticeable!

 

[Musical Mayhem]

Aah gotchya. And by the way, did you see my sign-up for your RPG? I don't remember what it's called, but it's about the legendaries and the Shadow-team and Elite heros. Just wanted to point that out.

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Ok Chapter 2 is half done! And thanks for the heads up ShyPikachu!

 

[Kage]

DUH! And there actuley 14. Yes the nighbor hood is very challanged when it comes to catching Pokemon.

Is the 'duh' directed towards the entire post, or one section? I apologize if I offended you by covering the entire thing (or... something), but in my self-defense, I was attempting to provide constructive critisism...

One thing I'd like to point out was the exchange in between Quinn and Fiona. To be truthful, I love brother/sister relationships, and their cute conversation discussing the doll and it's ownership. Toys that are hand-me-downs are easily the most chesrished.

Sorry, it wasn't mentioned. Most teenagers would still have issues being self-sufficent, though.

I apologize once again for not understanding your meaning of the neighborhood being challenged...

--Kage

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Eh thats ok. I have been critisized alot lately so I'm getting used to it!
I have been going through alot of ideas and this one came to me when I was reading a different fic. (No I am not copying) And well just started to write it in microsof word. I should get back to writing it because I just thought of something!

 

[Kage]

Eh thats ok. I have been critisized alot lately so I'm getting used to it!
I have been going through alot of ideas and this one came to me when I was reading a different fic. (No I am not copying) And well just started to write it in microsof word. I should get back to writing it because I just thought of something!

You're lucky to be the kind of person who is unaffected by critisism... I tend to take it personally, despite how irrational that is. (sigh) It's not as if your readers want you to fail, though.

No, no! By all means, read as much as you can. I recently had an idea I had been toying around with for a year or so that I had "perfected"... I read only a fragment of another fic and realized how boring my idea really was, and the characters involved. I'm keeping some elements for later writings, but the original idea was trashed.

Keep writing. There will be improvement the more you write, since there isn't really a way to deteriorate.

--Kage

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Ok just because I got a sprite of Cani (AKA Tod) done: ( Why? Please don't ask.)

Thanks Avenger Of All Pokesouls!!

 

[Astinus]

So this is another one of those fics that pop up like weeds, where random kid from random town winds up saving the world?

Your characters were flat. All that they feel is excitement. But they don't really show it. Stomach flip-flops, sweating... All these and more can be used to show excitement. Show, don't tell!

Kage was right about the constant repeats of words sounding like a children's book. (Hello, Willy Worm. Hellow Andy Ant. Hello, Charles Catepillar... etc.) I was able to skip a lot of your paragraphs and still got the jist of the chapter.

Readers don't know what region this is in. Also, don't know the town, or any sort of information about the region. A volcano, the ocean, and the forest all very close by makes me think that this is a small island. Though, what sort of parent would allow their child to go up to a supposedly active volcano?

The scroll for the set-up of the main point of the fic? Blah. These kids don't even feel anything on the fact that they have to save the world.

I hope that you take my review seriously. I'm only trying to help you by telling you these things. Digest it well.

-;136;

 

[~*Nobody*~]

As I said before I will be saying what the name of the town and region is in the next chapter. And the volcaneo is unactive. This was just the first chapter so I am amazed that people are judging it like its the whole thing. Before you decide on what the whole thing will be like you should wait until it is over. Just because I am only now getting a good Idea in my head doesn't mean you should judge it like I am the best writer in the world making a big mistake. And you think my fic is a weed huh? Well how do other pics come up? Do they just magicly apear? All fics just pop up waiting to be read. Please ddon't judge a book by its cover.

 

[Astinus]

Here. Let me give you some advice.

The opening act of your fic is supposed to:
"Get the reader hooked
Establish a bond between the reader and the lead character
Present the story world - tell us something about the setting, the time, and the immediate context
Establish the general tone of the novel
Introduce the opposition."

-from Write Great Fiction: Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell

People judge things by the first few pages. Editors do so, agents do so, readers do so, even to professional authors. There are nine billion other things I can do other than to read your fic.

Your lead characters can not be connected to. When was the last time that you have ever heard of someone with a mark on their face that lead to saving the world? A good character seems human, is human. Byt the way, if this was a book, would you be able to explain seperately that your characters are fourteen? Kage and I assumed that they are ten, because they are getting their first Pokémon. I checked, and it's not mentioned in the chapter at all.

Please give us a description of not only the setting of the world, but of the time period and of what life is like for these characters.

Your main opposition? Evil. Evil could be anything. Bees, flowers, trees, dogs... anything could be evil in someone's eyes.

Really. This is harsh criticism coming from me. I'm just trying to show you haw hard it is to break into the world of writing. To me, writing is serious business.

Though, you know, you could just ignore it all.

 

[~*Nobody*~]

If you do not wont to read it then don't. I am not forcing anyone or anything to read my fic. I am just writing as I think. Try it and have fun! This fic is only starting. Even in books I read at least the first 3 to 5 chapter are a yawn fest. It takes time to get into every thing. And I didn't say anything about them saving the world. Who said there wouldn't be twists turns injurrys or anything else. Please try to come back later and see how you like it. Please be a bit considerit about other people to. Some people here want to see the rest of this so if you wish to say bad things about my fic PM me so we can disscuse in privite and consider one more thing:
Every book starts out borring and maybe even a little un detailed. But get into it and see what is coming up and get looking forward. A book I was just reading The Giver started realy borring. I just skipped a few paragraphs and got right into it. Please do PM me if you have any other comments.
And one more thing: To me writing is something you should find fun not borring. Just because I don't take it as serious as you doesn't mean I can't write all I want. And some advise to you, and any others who wish to criticize me:
If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all. ( Oh that was criticism? I didn't notice until you said that. As I have said I am used to being criticised. I am criticied all the time for my size, voice even my clothes! So it only get realy annoying.)

 

[Kage]

Though, you know, you could just ignore it all.

So far she hasn't had trouble doing so.

No, books do not start out boring... one of the very first writing skills learned is to use a hook. Fifth grade at the latest. At this point, the story is far from enjoyable -- blank little characters who haven't developed beyond nametags; an unknown, undescribed world; a dull inclusion of three elements and "evil"... uh, wow.

In case you haven't noticed, those who review your fic are attempting to HELP you. We aren't flaming -- this is constructive critisism. Frankly, your fic needs improvement but you're being too bullheaded to accept any advice. Stop getting so defensive about your writing, which other people only consider fun if it's beyond the boundary of 'decent'.

Feel free to continue ignoring our advice!

--Kage

 

[~*Nobody*~]

I am not ignoring you. I am jsut saying that I feel that writing should be fun and thats what I'm doing I'm making it fun for my self. And most books I read is have a borring start, well manly one that is unactive and filled with atsrting points. And I am only 11 I had Gr.5 last year so I am realy still learning. But please remember this wise old advise:
If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all.
Any way:

Chapter two: The others​

“Oh Sammy, don’t forget this!” Samantha’s mother said handing her a mango and a map. “It’s a map of Koann. You will need it if your going from town to town!”

“Ya thanks mom.” Samantha said taking the map, mango and putting them into her bag. Tod nudged her side, it seemed as if he knew it was time to go. But Samantha and her two new best friends had one last question.

“Prof. Kari why do we get these Pokemon, I’ve seen other kids go with Charmanders’ and Chikoritas’. It just seems like we are the odd ones out. ” Tyra said looking at Prof. Kari’s new machine.

“Oh so you want to know now. Well the spirits were as you know once Pokemon. You needed Pokemon that were different. I found them together they are friends so it will be easier for you guys to bond also.” Pro. Kari explained fixing up the machine.

“So what you’re saying is something along the lines of: There unique different, and one of a kind! NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!” Samantha said mimicking his voice. The three left for a town slightly north west of theirs’.
Koann was a very different region then the others. As you may have guessed from the name that is was in between Hoenn and Kanto. Many towns were there, all looking very different then the others. Volcano’s, forests and lakes were every where.
The town was farley large with many houses that the neighbors lived in. A Pokemon Center was in the middle.

“Come back!” Prof. Kari yelled waving his hand and running after them.

“What?” Quinn said looking back at the sweaty, panting man.

“There isn’t just you. There are others, like you.” Prof. Kari said panting and putting his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

“What?!” Samantha and Tyra said in unison shocked at what they were hearing.
Prof. Kari handed them a piece of the scroll that had been ripped off.

This time Quinn read out loud. “ The thunder, wind and earth sprits helped. Only after years of being side by side the earth spirit and evil….” The scroll went off because it ended. Quinn, Samantha and Tyra looked at Prof, Kari angrily.

“I’m sorry of not telling you earlier but I was scarred that you would expect them to do the work. I believe that the earth spirit has gone off and released the evil because they have sided. This means that the earth spirits successor will be evil.” Prof. Kari said pushing up his glasses and still panting. “Go look for the Thunder and Wind spirit. They will be able to help you. You are still young, only fourteen in fact. So to you it will be dangerous. Safety in numbers remember. Now go I will not interfere any more.” He said only looking like he was sorry for not telling them and very serious looking.
They then continued to the next town, Draconic City.

ooc:I know it was short but the next ch will make up for it.

 

[Musical Mayhem]

It's better than the first chapter, I think you could add a little more personality to the characters though. Some books do start off really boring, I can't think of any off the top of my head, but there are some. Anyways, Yipee! Wind spirit! I like the wind! *does happy dance*

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Ya there is one more I have planned to make a appearence. She is in allence with the Earth Spirit. But I will not say anything more about the other spirit. Te next chapter will be much longer and something about the marks will com up so stay tuned!