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The Tenta Catastrophe

menace64

Member
This story, which - for the time being - is rated PG-13, involved a brand new island, Tenta, along with 151 new Pokemon inhabitants.

I won't say anymore. That's what the story is for. ;)

Prologue

A flock of Boltlarks raced by overhead, a chilly gust of wind chasing close behind. Professor Larch, recently returned from his seminar in Ochre City, stared at the electric birds as they disappeared into the distance.

“Now isn’t that odd,” he commented to himself. The Professor hurried back to his lab, and – after feeding the Pokemon in his care – delved into the migration patterns of mature Boltlarks.

“That’s what I thought. They never travel this far north.”

The Professor leaned back in his chair, puzzled. In all his years of Pokemon research, the only places he’d ever seen that species of Pokemon was to the far south. Boltlarks weren’t adapted to the frigid temperatures of the area and, if they weren’t rescued, they would surely die.

Reluctantly, but with a peppy fervor, the Professor reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Dialing the only person in town that he could think of, he waited for her to answer.

A young boy answered instead.

“Ben,” the Professor said. “Is your mother around?”

“No. I don’t know where she is,” Ben, the boy (the young man, the Professor admitted to himself) replied.

“Well that’s all right. Are you busy this afternoon?” The Professor could hear Ben running off a list of things he had to do.

“I suppose I’m free for a while,” Ben said. “Should I come by?”

“Yes, please do. Promptly, if possible.”

Twenty minutes later, the lab’s doorbell rang. The Professor ran to the door, opened it, and quickly escorted Ben inside. The Professor was amazed at how much Ben had grown since he’d last saw him. It couldn’t have been more than a few weeks; just before he left for his seminar.

“Ben, I’m so glad that you could come on such short notice.”

“No problem. How was your trip, Professor?”

“The trip? What trip?” Then there was a pause, as the Professor’s mind caught up with his mouth.

“Oh… that trip. Fine, fine. It was fine. But there’s something else I need to talk to you about.”

The Professor took Ben into his main study, which was littered with stacks of Pokemon research and countless encyclopedias towering against the walls. Disproportionably-large bookshelves brought a claustrophobic air into the room. It usually put Ben off, but the Professor’s mood kept him focused.

Not wasting a moment, the Professor sat Ben down, then started pacing around the room. “Earlier this morning I witnessed several Boltlarks flying to the north.”

Ben swallowed, slightly confused. “…and?”

“Well, you see, Boltlarks are strictly warm-weather Pokemon. They can’t survive our harsh winters. In all my years, I’ve never seen them in this area.”

“So what does this have to do with me?” Ben asked.

“Actually, it has more to do with your mother, Caroline,” The Professor said.

“My mother? Now you’re just confusing me.”

“I was hoping your mother could follow the Boltlarks north to see what they’re up to, and to rescue them if circumstances call for it.” The Professor paused, suddenly unsure of his memory. “She is a Pokemon trainer, right?”

“No, she used to be. She hasn’t had any Pokemon in years. I barely remember any of them.”

“Are you serious? Tell me you’re joking!” The Professor’s pace quickened. He was at a loss.

“Is there anyone else that can go? I’m sure there’s another trainer nearby…”

“No. Your mother is the only person I trust to take care of this situation.”

Ben couldn’t think of anything to do. He sat, mind racing for a solution. That solution came to the Professor first.

“Ben! I have it!”

Without another word, the Professor rushed out of the study and down the hall. Ben, smile on his face, followed.

They came to the Pokemon storage room. Red-and-black Pokeballs rested on shelves and displays, each labeled with a Pokemon’s name and catalogue number. The Professor began searching the horde of Pokeballs.

“Ben, look for a Pokeball numbered For-Nine-For, One-tee. We’ll need it.”

Each taking one side of the room, the Professor and Ben scanned the shelves for the Pokeball. Ben’s eyes were overwhelmed by the sheer amount of Pokemon the Professor had collected over the years. He was familiar with some of them, but there were many Pokemon he had never heard of before.

Suddenly, his eyes fell on the Pokeball in question. The label underneath it read 494/1T.

“Professor! I found it!” Ben removed the Pokeball from the shelf and brought it over to the Professor. The Professor took it from Ben’s hand, and held it out to his side.

“What Pokemon is in there, Professor?”

The Professor smiled. “A very rare Pokemon, which should come in handy.”

Throwing the ball into the air, the Professor called to it: “Come on out, Snaldee!”
 

Freawaru

Well-Known Member
The anonymous one-star reviewer strikes again. Who was that masked man?

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to accuse this piece of the worst possible crime: that of being boring. I did try, but I'm just not interested in the setting you've chosen. This is mostly, I think, due to the fact that it's so nondescript.

A flock of Boltlarks raced by overhead, a chilly gust of wind chasing close behind.

A new region with 151 new Pokemon? And all we get in the very first sentence is "A flock of Boltlarks..."

You need to be WAY more inventive with this. You must already have a good idea of what these things look like, so tell us what they ARE like. It might be an idea, actually, to start off with a more general description of the area, concentrating on the difference from the places we already know. What makes your new region unique aside from the Pokemon? There must be something, right?



Your characters are also boring, mainly because we don't know anything about them aside from their names. Why don't you show this first scene more from the Professor's viewpoint, which would tell us a bit more about his character and state of mind?

Maybe something like this:

"A rushing, whistling sound cut through the dull hum of the PC, and Professor Larch looked up quickly from his work, grateful for a momentary distraction. Outside, as a spatter of rain blew against the window, clouds of streamlined black and yellow Boltlarks zipped across the clouded sky..."



Then there's an issue with your concept. I have to confess that my first reaction is "Oh no, not another Original Trainer fic..." Are you going to bring anything new to this table? Different pokemon don't count.



Then there's an issue with the character who I'm guessing is going to be your protagonist: Ben. He's boring too. He's nothing more than a name. At the least you need to give him a motive for wanting to train Pokemon, assuming he does want to train Pokemon.



You do have something going for you though (that was the stick, here comes the carrot!) This concept of the Boltlarks flying out of season is... interesting. (I bet you're glad something is XD Well, I don't set out to be mean...) And this is a story I might read, if you can go back and put some realism into your characters. For a start, I want you to come up with a realistic reason why Professor Larch would entrust important scientific research to a ten year old boy who's never handled a Pokemon before. Any grown man or woman in town with a pet Rattata and/or a big stick would have more useful knowledge and practical experience than the child. And "because Oak did it" isn't a realistic reason ;) Oak is a twit.

Anyway, when you've got that reason, I guarantee you'll be able to write a more interesting story out of it, because in terms of technical skills you're decent, and you evidently have imagination. Bring these characters to life.
 
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menace64

Member
Well, to be fair, this is only the prologue to what I'm hoping to be a very long story.

You can't expect me to answer every single one of your questions regarding characters, Pokemon, and the Tenta island in a little more than a page of text. If I incorporated all that you listed as "necessary" elements, then it would become overwhelming and just as uninteresting.

I have many new twists to bring with this story, most of which I'm guessing will change this from PG-13 to R (and don't let that come off as me saying, "the dirtier, the better" because that is not my intent). This story is going to be based in as much realism as possible (for a Pokemon story), while blending in enough of the Pokemon spirit as I can manage.

That includes a kid entrusted with some duty. But that will not unravel as you might expect (quite the opposite).
That includes battling a group of ill-hearted miscreants. But that, also, will not be told in the normal style.
And, ultimately, as every other Pokemon tale has done before, it will come down to the kid's courage and bravery being used to save the entire world.

Thank you very much for reading the first part of my story, but please stick around and allow me to pull the classic tale into brand new territory.
 

Ash_Junior

Irredeemable Nerd
ugh, no offense, but I odn't like seeing ten-year-olds saving the world.

why not? simply because it's not realistic. They don't have the stamina, strength, or experience to save the world. Please don't use the "But he's pure of heart" excuse. That is crap. Totally and utterly. Samurai might be noble and honorable facing enemies with their swords, but they're still dead when the bullet hits htem between the eyes.

yeah, I'm writing a "save-the-world" fic, but I'm having grown-ups do the work.

and as for all of his suggested improvements fleshing it out to ovre a page in length--DUH. that's the point. like I've said other places, we, the readers need to have all the information that we can so we can visualize stuff.

The characters--I have no clue what they look like.

and your created Pokemon (NOT fakemon) sound interesting, but what do they LOOK LIKE?
 

menace64

Member
Who said Ben's 10? I sure didn't.

In the real world, no one - regardless of age - is capable of saving the world. But in the Pokemon world, a person's power is limitless based on three simple criteria: 1) How lovingly (s)he treats Pokemon; 2) The power of said Pokemon; and 3) Circumstance.

So yes, even though I'm using a young adult (I'm shooting for 15 or 16), it's plausible for him to do great things (and horrible things).

And as a note about my writing style, I never describe how a person looks. I prefer leaving that detail up to the reader. Pokemon, on the other hand, will get as much visualization as possible. I didn't flesh out the Boltlark in the opening paragraph because, well, it was the opening paragraph. The last thing I want to do is gum up the works.

Expect the next leg of the story tonight! Hopefully, you'll all see that I'm going in a completely different direction with this story.
 

Ash_Junior

Irredeemable Nerd
Who said Ben's 10? I sure didn't.

So yes, even though I'm using a young adult (I'm shooting for 15 or 16), it's plausible for him to do great things (and horrible things).

EXACTLY.

you didn't say his age. so how are we supposed to know?

In the real world, no one - regardless of age - is capable of saving the world. But in the Pokemon world, a person's power is limitless based on three simple criteria: 1) How lovingly (s)he treats Pokemon; 2) The power of said Pokemon; and 3) Circumstance.

BULL.

that's just the candy-coated stuff that the Anime has. I would agree with #2, but you forgot #4--what the trainer knows. #5, the strength/stamina of the trainer (because what happens when the Pokemon faints? everybody's all happy, touchy-feely?), and the training the trainer has recieved.

Ash_Junior said:
Samurai might be noble and honorable facing enemies with their swords, but they're still dead when the bullet hits them between the eyes.

And as a note about my writing style, I never describe how a person looks. I prefer leaving that detail up to the reader. Pokemon, on the other hand, will get as much visualization as possible. I didn't flesh out the Boltlark in the opening paragraph because, well, it was the opening paragraph. The last thing I want to do is gum up the works.

sounds like an excuse for not describing for me.

and btw, I never said JUST the Pokemon/humans....I also meant the surroundings--the lab, the immediate surrounding outside--what's going on!
 

Willow's Tara

The Bewitched
Well, it has potential I will give you that.
Bit what about descripition? Since they are new Pokemon, I certeintly have no idea what Boltlarks look likes besides that they are electric birds, they could be a mini verison of Zapdos all I could know.

You might have to work at it to keep it interesting, but I would like to see where this goes..

Also, I agree about the 10 year old, it seems weird that they save the world, a 15 year old with magical powers or a 17 chosen one year old I can understand, but a 10 year old?, so I think as you said in the above post, should use a 15 year old (That's why when I make trainer fics my trainers are all usually 15 year olds or so or 17)

And they are your creation, we want to know what you see, like what you picture the Boltlarks look like..
 

menace64

Member
Here's the next section of the prologue. I think I need to apologize; I should have posted this with the earlier portion to avoid some of the confusion.

I know there are a lot of still-unanswered questions, but trust me... everything will come out soon enough.

Prologue: Part Two
Before Ben sat one of the smallest, slimiest Pokemon he had ever seen or heard about. The Snaldee stared up at Ben with its two bulbous eyes, each raised above its head by a thin eyestalk. On its back was an overlarge, armor-like shell of twisted rock.

“Snall snall,” it twittered to itself.

Ben looked back and forth between the Snaldee and the Professor, not sure which one to be speechless about first. “What do you expect this thing to do?” he clamored.

“Oh, Snaldee – as a species – can be very surprising,” the Professor said as he crouched to the floor and began scratching the Pokemon on the back of its head. Ben got down beside him.

“But what can it do, exactly?”

“Well, the reason I think this guy will come in handy is because of his slime. See, the slime a Snaldee secretes is very sensitive to electricity – which will come in handy when your mother goes out to find the Boltlarks.”

Ben blinked in disbelief. “Wait, I thought you were going to send me to find them. Why else did you call me here?”

“Send you? Ben, you’ve never had your own Pokemon, much less handled or cared for one. You can’t even drive yet. Plus, you have school.”

“Then why the hell am I here?”

“Ben, you said it yourself that you don’t know where your mother is. Take Snaldee to her, explain what’s going on, and then stay here and look after your sister.”

The Professor stood and recalled Snaldee back into his Pokeball. He handed the Pokeball back to Ben. “I have a strange feeling that the stray Boltlarks is but the first sign of something major in the Pokemon world. Your mother, wherever she is, must discover what’s going on in Tenta, before it’s too late.”
 

Willow's Tara

The Bewitched
Hmm, it's better, and you did describle the Pokemon which was good, I pictured a slimy creature with armor/shell twisted rock, althought I pictured it green;)
Um, I am not totally sure if a two part Prologue is allowed thought, but I will let someone else clear that up because I am not sure
 

menace64

Member
What do you mean, "allowed"? I'm just posting my story as it progresses.

Should I go ahead and update with chapter-sized blocks from now on?
 

Willow's Tara

The Bewitched
Well, as I said, I don't know if you can post two parts of a Prologue or if has to be one part and the rest are chapters..

Althought I wouldn't mind seeing the chaptered sized ones, I like long stories, giv eme something to do;)
 

UltaFlame

I'm weird accept it
the rules state you have to post all of a chapter/prologue in one post. also if you want to keep us interested then I read the first two paragraphs of the first part read the second cuz it was overly short... make it interesting let us see the Snaldee make us Feel the slime is it icky or disgusting? or is it something so squishy and delightful you wouldn't want to take your hand off it?

also we should hear the words I mean think about it if you write

the trainer said, "I hate you!"

one might assume that the person is shouting out of anger, but with what you wrote he/she could've been speaking robotically.

also make us taste what they do, or better yet what are they wearing I mean I don't want a character who YOU visualize as a normal looking kid with black hair, while I see them as a character who wears samurai armor and wields a samurai sword with light blonde hair...

see very different.

make us feel like we are there help us see what they do ASSUME we have never seen this fabulous new region describe the beach, is it a rocky shore that seems to bogle up all that dare go near the ocean? or is it maybe a wonderfully romantic area where a new couple would go to see the sunset?

I don't see what you do, I can't smell the aroma of anything, I don't feel thre slime on the snaldee, its up to you to help us feel these things, and more.
 
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