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The Tower of Scyclical Times: Eight Legends, One Destiny (Rated PG 15+)

Yonowaru in Chaos

gaspard de la nuit
Two months and nineteen days. Gosh I hope bumping this thread is not breaking the rules...

Considering how -short- this part is, you readers might be a bit dissatisfied, but the next one'd be a delirium. Literally. I won't forgive myself if it wasn't xD

Anyway...rant away.

Opening -Bombing Mission- オープニング -爆破ミッション-

Flaykun turned around, to the wasteland expanse of jagged rocks and low-lying grasses and shrubs. They were too afraid; they dared not to hide from the ever-threatening weather, not to deny the Storm his victim. And yet, the cathedral was defiant. It stood boldly against the wind and whatever punishment the Storm was to throw at it, like a symbol of retribution. Centuries of erosion had worn it down to no more than a toppling ruin, but its sheer size and impossible architecture, teetering on the edge of the sky, where the brutal waves clashed with the cliff face below, was still much to behold.

It was not wise to travel by helicopter, but like the cathedral’s incarnation, Flaykun was defiant. He did not believe that there was anything the Sky could throw at him that he couldn’t handle. Dragonfly, however, a helicopter of taupe and Flaykun’s main mode of long-distance transport, was highly against his customs; it had seen too many repairs, and it was becoming apparent that it had had enough, hiding under the misty shadow of the cathedral on an unnaturally flat piece of ground.

He looked up towards the ancient spires, the apex surrounded by the imminent storm clouds, swirling around in an almost orbiting fashion. Sunlight filtered faintly through his clutches, but it was not enough to satisfy whatever was left of the stained glass windows. That was not to say it was ever enough to satisfy, for sunlight was a valuable resource when the Storm was resting, even though there were very few to take advantage of these rare moments.

‘Majestic,’ Flaykun whispered, his voice conforming to the wind. ‘If only I had come before the War.’

The wind picked up, almost like a response, blowing back his strand-like violet hair back. A light drizzle blew into his smooth face, the little of it that could be revealed behind a cape of ragged indigo. The island had a reputation of being assaulted by the weather’s violent temperament, but its current disposition gave no evidence of any such acts of aggression.

It would not be long, though, before the scales broke; it was merely a silence before a storm. As such, Flaykun had come equipped for the occasion: military-issued boots and armour of obsidian dark, synthetics of similar hue and with a heat-trapping design, complete with a coat for inconspicuousness. It was quite a contrast to see the Dragonfly somewhat lacking in weatherproofs.

It took unnaturally long for the storm clouds to gather, but when they had, Flaykun was already on the move.

He entered the cathedral, the cavity of the entrance threatening to teeter. He entered somewhat leisurely, each step with deliberation and stone-cold contempt. The roof was impossibly distant, as if its highest point was the sky. When he had reached the middle of a hall where his contempt had been made hostilely apparent by the resonating walls, he stopped. The entirety of the wall opposite Flaykun was covered in fresco, of the heavens and its messengers, of celestial bodies and the dragons of the sky. Stained glass decorated each alcove of unknown importance, and underneath, a single skeleton was enthroned, their stubborn pride evident in their postures. Flaykun ignored the fresco, instead proceeding to examine a skeleton on the left wall.

‘Long time no see, Tigress,’ Flaykun greeted to one, ‘you seem to be in pretty good shape.’

The skeleton he inquired was seated not as a pile of crumbling bones, but like an authoritarian figure, hollow eyes gazing generally at the opposite thrones, whose residents were of a similar posture.

‘Give it up, Tigress. You’re getting much too old for this.’

Though he did not expect it to reply, he seemed to be waiting for one. When he received none, he walked off, without farewell, and without a change in pace.

He wasn’t here to comfort or worship the dead – no; he was here to seek more serious negotiations with the caretaker here, wherever he was. No doubt, the caretaker, an old and wise creature dwelling amongst books, would have noticed his entrance, but his atypical absence was somewhat suspicious. Though an unexpected occurrence, Flaykun had pretty well deduced the conspirator behind the possible events (which he had also somehow deduced).

‘No one? Dang. Better make myself feel welcome then.’

His response came eerily- the cathedral had made his sarcastic comment morose and deceased. In spite of this, though, Flaykun felt all the more welcome, even if it was the cathedral’s intention to do so.

‘I wouldn’t like my tedious journey to be in vain. I’d urge you to show yourself,’ he reiterated, ‘I have a sincere urge to blow something up.’

He had purposely forced his voice to resonate, but that didn’t seem to be very effective for attracting attention.

Just when Flaykun was about to leave and consult one of his veritable pockets for explosives, a bolt of lightning had made its traces apparent, streaking across the right side of stained glass windows as it struck.

That was followed by a drop of thunder, akin with the resonance of an atomic bomb.

‘WAIT!’

It was not a request, it was a demand.

‘Ah…Rycuda has always loved his fanfare.’

Not out of fear, Flaykun had stopped in his tracks, his hand still in his coat pocket.

‘And yet, who do you think you are to shout in such an audacious tone?’ Flaykun asked. He was already in the vicinity of the wailing doorway and so far, he seemed rather impressed.

‘Don’t forget that you’re under arrest, Flaykun!’ Rycuda’s voice bellowed.

There was no need, Flaykun thought.

‘Quit ********ting and get to the point.’ He hadn’t bothered to turn around to examine the person so wanting to delay his departure. There was too many a day that he had seen his face – and his annoyingly awkward hair.

‘Oh, and by the way, that’s Doctor Flaykun, Rycuda. I’m still a psychologist regardless of my employment or criminal status.’

‘Don’t dare you move!’ Rycuda bellowed once more.

Flaykun did not remark on his use of obsolete English, but he snickered anyway. A snicker was hard to ignore in such a cavernous cathedral – but Rycuda dared not to reprimand. Although it was he who was after Flaykun, he knew very well who was in pole position to eliminate the other. For one, he knew that Flaykun had in his possession a readily prepared bomb in one hand.

Flaykun, however, had no intention of blowing anything up...at least, not now, when he was having so much fun abusing Rycuda’s abysmal EQ. It therefore came as quite bad news to hear nothing scolding from Rycuda about the snicker.

Meanwhile, Rycuda was at a loss of what to do. The situation certainly had turned out to be more awkward than he had expected. All Flaykun did was stand there. He wasn’t even facing him. He was much too inexperienced for this, Rycuda admitted.

On the other side, Flaykun had all the time he’d ever need. He knew that Rycuda lacked neither the courage nor the instinct to arrest him, which was augmented by the considerable distance placed between the two men. Rycuda would’ve been foolish to rush headlong to catch him, and despite his predictable nature, Flaykun certainly knew that Rycuda wasn’t that dim.

Rycuda, too, knew that he could not simply walk up to Flaykun to arrest him. The very thought of not being able to arrest a man of such close proximity was eating at his brain already. Rycuda was not aware of any time constraints – it was a stale war that could last indefinitely, and he could not bear the additional thought of the months he had spent tracking down Flaykun amounting to this. His options were out and he knew that Flaykun was welcome to leave to his desire.

‘You know I can stand here all day, Rycuda,’ Flaykun spoke at last, ‘I doubt you can do anything right now. There’s no need to waste each other’s time.’

Flaykun made the first step out, initiating his departure out of the cathedral.

It was not until he was well out of the cathedral that Rycuda decided to act.

‘Manectric!’ he bellowed, flinging a Pokeball in Flaykun’s general direction. With the help of the momentum from the throw, the resident of the Pokeball – a streak of lightning blue and tawny saffron - was able to pounce towards his target as it materialised from a crimson beam that the Pokeball had discharged.

But Flaykun was not caught unawares.

Likewise, Flaykun threw out a Pokeball, as if to counter Rycuda’s.

‘Block, Tangrowth,’ Flaykun issued, completely indifferent to the sudden shift of scenario.

A veritable mass of indigo belched out of Flaykun’s Pokeball. Within seconds of its advent, the seemingly liquid mass solidified, forming a wall as high as the cathedral doors. In fact, it had literally cemented itself within the exact mould of the cathedral doorway like a makeshift set of gates, excluding both entrance and exit.

Within seconds of Rycuda’s bellow, the flash of lightning, as nimble as a ninja, had flew into the wall, kamikaze-style.
 
Last edited:

Synthetic

Well-Known Member
Well, Mr. Yonowaru. This is intriguing.

I was initially confused by your style of writing; it took a little work to find the flow. You appeared to try too hard to sound ‘intelligent’ in the prologue, and that led to some odd little phrases that, though they made sense, felt jerky and unnatural.

‘In man’s darkest hour, the forces revolted; a crystal of pessimism in the sky, pushing mankind over the brink, into chaos, into ruin. War plunged mankind in to a deplorable state of fear and paranoia, feeding on the sorrowful souls of the fortunate and succeeding where its path runs across fields of terror and agony. Destruction spread across the land, the lands ruled by foolish kings, and life was all but a different shade of moonlight.

That paragraph appeared to run away from you, burgeoning into purple prose and inconsistency. I believe the problem lies in too many commas. It can be remedied by a few full stops and probably with some spacing between lines.

Spacing between lines helps slow the reader down, so they (well, some like me, at least v.v) take longer to digest each line.

I’ll take a phrase and rearrange it a little to try and explain myself and see if my comment holds any shred of validity. :3

In man’s darkest hour, the forces revolted.

Nadir… a crystal of pessimism in the sky…

It consumed mankind. It drove them to the brink… collapse was inevitable; decreed by the stars…

And now, their fate sealed. Mankind submitted to chaos.

Submitted to ruin.

… Okay, so I wandered right off. Anyways, you get the drift.

Having said that, I liked the sentiment you seemed to be reaching for, and I think with a few more full stops and redundancies, it would work nicely.

Record it down.

Doesn’t work. Perhaps “Take note.” or “record it.” or something similar.

I also found it rather random for an apparently bodiless entity to go ‘eh?’; that is a rather human sound, and doesn’t feel right to these creatures that are supposedly the epitome of intelligence.

I did, however, really love the last line. :3

Once again, I really felt as though you were trying too hard in the prologue.

On the other hand, I might be looking at what is the faithful reproduction of a Final Fantasy outtake or something? I’m unfamiliar with FF in general, having only ever watched the Final Fantasy AC movie. XD” So pardon all of this, if that is indeed the case. *Is slightly confused*

The first chapter comforts me. Nicely done.

And what is it with ‘’ for dialogue instead of “”? I’ve seen that only a few times. I’m guessing it’s the British way…?

V__v”

As a note, I find it better if you stick to keeping numbers written out. So instead of 20%, write twenty percent. :p


‘What to do?’

‘Leave them here. Me and you and him and him and him and him and him and him would do that if we were you.’

‘Smarticles! Yes, let’s!’

‘Hurry, we haven’t even got to the lathering yet.’

‘I’m hurrying...but its so hard to tie people up when you have in-grown claws!’

‘Be careful with her boobies...’

‘Wait...where’s the loot?’

‘We free, not loot.’

‘Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine...’

‘Gah! I broke a nail...’

‘Don’t tell me how you managed that.’

The voices became fainter.

‘This alarm’s broken...it keeps on repeating the same thing!’

‘I wonder why...’

‘Have you tried algorithms?’

‘Hmm...no...’


Sounds druggy to me... XDDDD


Next chapter!

office wear was, essentially, forbidden in this building.


… O___o … XDDD

Yes, you can slap me for thinking that. “>>


Rahabian stopped, but Persephone did not let go of the Intercom button. The voice behind the Intercom muttered something inaudible and slammed the table a few times. After some considerable slamming and a breaking of glass and china, Persephone let go of the button and dismissed Rahabian. He refitted the letter inside the envelope, stowing it inside his pocket, and left without saying a word.


Oh ouch, Mr. Shitteh is Shitteh.

I’ll leave it there for now, but I shall return.


And whaaat, I was reviewing the prologue still? ;__;

Teach me. Heh.
 

Yonowaru in Chaos

gaspard de la nuit
I'll spare you a server problem by preventing a double post :]

/being nice

I was initially confused by your style of writing; it took a little work to find the flow. You appeared to try too hard to sound ‘intelligent’ in the prologue, and that led to some odd little phrases that, though they made sense, felt jerky and unnatural.

That paragraph appeared to run away from you, burgeoning into purple prose and inconsistency. I believe the problem lies in too many commas. It can be remedied by a few full stops and probably with some spacing between lines.

Spacing between lines helps slow the reader down, so they (well, some like me, at least v.v) take longer to digest each line.

I really haven't touched it in a long time. I can't remember when I really wrote it, but I think you're spot on about the tryhard bit x_X I *think* I diverged from that bit (eventually) though.

I’ll take a phrase and rearrange it a little to try and explain myself and see if my comment holds any shred of validity. :3

In man’s darkest hour, the forces revolted.

Nadir… a crystal of pessimism in the sky…

It consumed mankind. It drove them to the brink… collapse was inevitable; decreed by the stars…

And now, their fate sealed. Mankind submitted to chaos.

Submitted to ruin.

… Okay, so I wandered right off. Anyways, you get the drift.

I knew you'd sneak in a Synthetic-touch somewhere! xD

I don't know why I didn't choose the method of lining/paragraphing you did right there, or just make it somewhat (badly) poetic. The whole fic is riddled with them anyway x_x

Doesn’t work. Perhaps “Take note.” or “record it.” or something similar.

Fix'd/fixing

I also found it rather random for an apparently bodiless entity to go ‘eh?’; that is a rather human sound, and doesn’t feel right to these creatures that are supposedly the epitome of intelligence.

Nah, like me, they're tryhards. But I'll keep in mind about the human reaction thing.

On the other hand, I might be looking at what is the faithful reproduction of a Final Fantasy outtake or something? I’m unfamiliar with FF in general, having only ever watched the Final Fantasy AC movie. XD” So pardon all of this, if that is indeed the case. *Is slightly confused*

Not a crossover; Pokemon only. Should probably put that on the front post to prevent confusion...or I shouldn't and I end up with more confused readers. Then I s****** silently x3

The first chapter comforts me. Nicely done.

First chapter? You're hardly there :D

And what is it with ‘’ for dialogue instead of “”? I’ve seen that only a few times. I’m guessing it’s the British way…?

V__v”

Umm...I guess.

If it's a dire correction, I'll make it. Otherwise, I think J.K. Rowling uses the singular ones. Eh *shrugs*

As a note, I find it better if you stick to keeping numbers written out. So instead of 20%, write twenty percent. :p

Ack. I didn't realise until you told me o_O

Sounds druggy to me... XDDDD

You have no idea ;rolleyes;

And whaaat, I was reviewing the prologue still? ;__;

Teach me. Heh.

:)
 

Kindrindra

大事なのは自分らしいくある事
Tension... and lots of it!
That was another amazing chapter, especialy how you wrote the use of Block!
Oh, and the fact Kamikaze-style was the last word made me lol, for some reason.

See Ya Later!
 
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