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The Traveler

aggiegwyn

Well-Known Member
So, this is the fiction I have been working on for a while. I hope you guys like it, and feel free to give critique.

Special thanks to DNA(from PokeBeach), who helped me a lot with fixing up this chapter(and probably the future others.)



Chapters:

Nice to Meet You(below)
How Are You Doing?

I wake up to see the usual things. The two beds, night stand, and green walls. In ways, it relieves me, in others, it makes me sad. I turned to the side and pull off my blankets as I grab my glasses. I look around to see that my roommate, Margaret, is still asleep. That figures. Margaret was the kind of student who didn’t just go to parties for celebration, or even just once a week. Margaret goes to parties every night. It’s a wonder that she hasn’t dropped out of college yet. I pick myself out of bed and grab a towel.

After washing up, my day is all planned out. I’ll get some breakfast, have some classes, head for lunch, and then I’ll be home free.

I grab my foldable bike, which first looks like a jumble of parts, but comes together like an elastic puzzle. I made it with some help from my Robotics teacher. Yah, it’s no driver’s license, but I can handle it. I never got around to learning how to drive. Not having a mom or dad kind of takes that out of the equation.

Once I get outside I ride to the local breakfast place, and have a quick meal including strawberries, biscuits, and sausage. I wolf it down then take a quick sip of orange juice. By the time I finish breakfast and ride to the university, it’s roughly seven o’clock. That means I still have forty minutes to spare until I would have to head for class. I don’t know why I rush so much in the mornings. I guess I get eager for free time.

I walk to the park nearby and sit on the bench. The park is like a little castle. It has two towers, with stairs leading to the top of each, and a slide on both on them. Between the two towers, there are ways to get across: monkey bars and a tunnel. The tunnel is hung in the air, and make of plastic. I guess kids can crawl through it to get to one tower or the other. Around each tower on the ground is a moat, filled with sand and toy crocodiles. There were also some swings on the side of the left tower.

Only a father and his son were at the playground. The boy appeared to be five years old, and the dad looked to be in his early twenties. Maybe he isn’t his dad. Maybe it’s a babysitter or something.

I bring out my book and begin to read. I stop a few times to watch the dad/babysitter push the boy on the swings, hold him while the boy was testing the monkey bars, and sometimes tickle him on the ground. Yes, the dad/babysitter is cute, but I am definitely too shy to make a move to talk to him.

After some time I hear crying. I looked up to see the little boy was stuck on top of the plastic tunnel, and the dad/babysitter was trying to get him down, but every time he got on to reach the boy, the tunnel sunk dangerously low. I guess they built the playground for only small kids. I look down at myself and see my petite stature. I am still very light, despite my age and diet. I walk up to the tower and ask the babysitter if it's okay if I can pick the boy up and bring him down. He quickly nods and explains to the boy that I am going to help him get down.

I climb to the tunnel, sitting on top, and test it to see if it sinks as I move. It didn’t. I’m not sure what causes children to get on the top of tunnels instead of inside them. These heights are scary.

I cautiously crawl to the boy, and pick him up and put him behind me. Now that we are positioned back-to-back, I scoot backwards until he reaches the end of the tunnel and reaches the babysitter’s arms. Then I drop myself to the platform and stand beside the two.

“Thank you!” the dad/babysitter exclaims, holding out his hand. I shake it.

“No problem, just helping out,” I nervously reply. This was the bad side of helping out. Meeting new people wasn’t exactly my favorite activity.

“My name is Leo, and that was a close one, thanks.” He grins at the kid as he set him to the floor. The kid runs off and begins to play in the sandbox.

“My name’s Emily.” I continued. He didn’t say anything, so I kept talking “So…babysitting isn’t all it’s made out to be, right?” I could slap myself for attempting to continue the conversation.

He looks confused for a second, then shakes his head and smiles. “No, this is my little brother, Stanley.”

I laugh nervously and say, “Oh! Well…see yah later!” I run away before the conversation can continue.

Gosh! Why do I have to be so anti-social?! I thought. I walk into the university, even though I still have ten minutes before I really need to walk to class. Soon I realize that I forgot my book at the playground. I figure that it was better to leave it there than to run into Leo again and try to make conversation. Maybe it would be there later. I play with my phone for a bit, sitting outside of the classroom, before Ms. Delitrott walked to the door and unlocked it.

“You always come so early, Emily. Why?” She asks.

“Well, I don’t really have much else to do beyond going to school.” I nervously mumble, scratching the back of my head.

“Job?” she implies.

“Online,” I simply respond, trying to end the conversation with short answers.

“Wow, very nice.” She raises an eyebrow and blows the hair out of her face. I think Ms. Delitrott is the youngest teacher I ever had. She is very smart, and skipped several grades. I like her because she always wore these weird outfits and made her class fun by using humor. Before I had her as a teacher, I hated math. Now, it’s different.

I walk in the room and sit at my desk. I look down to see the similar inscriptions on the desk from past students. Most of the inscriptions are either inappropriate or not legible enough to read.

Twenty minutes later, more students pile in. At eight o’clock, Ms. Delitrott closes the door and begins class.

The rest of the day seems to flow right by. It’s only the morning that really drags on. When I’m learning in school, it seems as though I can’t take in enough. I love college.

After my classes are over, I head outside and set up to ride. After noon, I have the day to myself. I love college schedules. I head for some takeout, and take it with me to downtown. I pull up to the subway station and input my card to get in. I leave my bike against the wall and walk down to Railway #327. I know it won’t get stolen.

No one else is waiting for the train to come. I am alone. After a few minutes of waiting, the train comes to a screeching halt and opens its doors. It’s empty inside, and I sit in a seat and begin eating my food. I finish quickly, eating lightly. I stand up to hold on to the handle, even though I have plenty of room to sit down.

The train heads into an unlit tunnel. I feel it. I feel the way my body twists form, and how the brick in the walls changes into modern metal. How the train has grown extra seats for smaller creatures. And how I look at my hand again and it’s a slightly different shade. The train exits the tunnel and stops. It opens the doors and I am welcomed to the new world.

I am a Traveler.




Thanks for reading, I hope you like it!
 
Last edited:

RoflLuxRay

Pokemon Physiologist
Hello...

Well, that was a little brief. Liked it though. It was the title what dragged me into reading your story, and I see why you named it liike that.

I felt you rushed through the story, perhaps you could have stopped and described a little more the situation? At least to some extent, but I get it, narrating the whole day is something somewhat boring, but there are ways to preserve the style.

The scene in the park with leo was accurately described, from Emily's point of view. The scene was somewhat blurry, I found no description of Leo or his little brother, at least to get a picture of them in my head.

To put it short, you described the situation really well, but not the scenario. Still, that cliffhanger is enough to keep me entertained for a while.

Thanks for your time, I look forward to the next chapter
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
I wake up to see the usual things. The two beds, night stand, and green walls. In ways, it relieves me, in others, it makes me sad. I turned to the side and pull off my blankets as I grab my glasses. I look around to see that my roommate, Margaret, is still asleep. That figures. Margaret was the kind of student who didn’t just go to parties for celebration, or even just once a week. Margaret goes to parties every night. It’s a wonder that she hasn’t dropped out of college yet. I pick myself out of bed and grab a towel.

After washing up, my day is all planned out. I’ll get some breakfast, have some classes, head for lunch, and then I’ll be home free.
You know, this might just be me, but I like your introduction paragraphs. I like to think I've read a lot of pokemon fic in my time, and I have to say that a lot of them start with a pretty similar intro: wake up, musing, get ready, leave. But there's something nice about yours; it seems to be aware at how mundane and routine your character's morning is and how it's "relieving but sad" at the same time.

The further I read, the most interesting your narrative is, actually. It's kind of the same way I felt with the introduction scenes; Emily's descriptions of the world around her are very mundane and average since it is so day-to-day and routine for her. It's kind of listy, but it works at the same time. It also helps that you can just sense Emily's slight boredom while going through her day.

I do like Emily's commentary by the way as she tries to make pieces of things. You did it before this moment, but I really recognized her particular narrative/thought when she was looking at the boy and his dad/babysitter.

“My name’s Emily.”I continued. He didn’t say anything, so I kept talking “So…babysitting isn’t all it’s made out to be, right?” I could slap myself for attempting to continue the conversation.
You missed a space after Emily's dialogue (before "I continued). There should also be a period after "talking." "Continued" should be "continue" (the majority of your fic is in present tense, I believe).

I laugh nervously and say “Oh! Well…see yah later!” I run away before the conversation can continue.
Put a comma after "say."

I walked into the university, even though I still had ten minutes before I really needed to walk to class.
"Walked" should be "walk."

Soon I realized that I forgot my book at the playground. I figured that it was better to leave it there than to run into Leo again and try to make conversation. Maybe it would be there later. I played with my phone for a bit, sitting outside of the classroom, before Ms. Delitrott walked to the door and unlocked it.
All the words in bold are past tense when they should be in present.

The train heads into an unlit tunnel. I feel it. I feel the way my body twists form, and how the brick in the walls changes into modern metal. How the train has grown extra seats for smaller creatures. And how I look at my hand again and it’s a slightly different shade. The train exits the tunnel and stops. It opens the doors and I am welcomed to the new world.

I am a Traveler.
I really like this paragraph. It's nicely worded, and I love your descriptions in it.

Welp, that was vague enough to keep me interested. I have no idea where this is going, but I am eager to figure out whatever that out. Like RoflLuxray said, you were somewhat skimp on descriptions, particularly with Leo and his brother, though I have a slight feeling we're going to see them again. Either way, since they were strangers, it's likely that Emily would have taken note of their physical appearances. Leo's, at least, since she seems to think he is attractive. It doesn't have to be in one huge clump, but some small detail here and there would be nice.
 

aggiegwyn

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the comments! Yes, now after looking at it with a fresh face I can see some description to be added. I think I fixed all of the mistakes you caught, thank you very much!

I should be done fixing up that chapter sometime soon.
 

aggiegwyn

Well-Known Member
Woah, the writing section here is super active. I'm surprised!


Anyways, here's the next chapter. Another thanks to DNA from PokeBeach. He really helped with editing. Feel free to pick out mistakes and give critique.

(Feedback is nice too, but I can understand if you absolutely despise this story with all of your heart....)


How Are You Doing?

The doors open to an abandoned part of the station. I look around for a few seconds, gathering the information I can about this world. I have to switch my vocabulary, refreshing myself on the new names of objects in this world. Cell phones are PokeNavs. Animals are Pokemon. Hospitals are Pokemon Centers. Now that my review is over, I walk over to the exit gate that leads to the main station. Unlike the one on Earth, this station is completely packed. On Pokemon Earth there are very few cars, so the main modes of transportation are the bus or the train. Most people go for the train.

Rustboro City is pretty extravagant. They go really big with the buildings, and the city is filled with all sorts of weird companies. They have the PokeNav business, I think a few people who worked to invent the PokeDex were born here, and plenty of others here grew to be heroes of technology. I don’t know why, but every time I travel to Pokemon Earth, I end up here.

I head over to my home, the apartment complex, because I need to pick up a few things before I go to see Roxanne. I grin at the passing people and Pokemon as I walk down the smooth streets, and as soon as I see the bright blue building I know I’m home. I head inside and wait for the elevator to come down. The receptionist looks at me for a moment, but I quickly turn away. Yes, even on a different planet, I am still very anti-social. I sigh in my head as I get in the elevator and head up towards my floor. I rush in to open the doorway to my room, seeing the usual aquatic themed bedroom, and my things lying on the coral green carpet.

Inside, I need to do a few things. First, I need to take off the clothes from Earth, and change into a different outfit. Earthling clothes tend to look dull and a bit out of place in the bright colorful world of Pokemon. I put on the most contrasting colors I can find in my closet--neon orange and turquoise—and move on to equipment. I take out my phone and check to see if its transformation is successful. As expected, it had morphed into a PokeNav. Of course it was successful. The train always did its job. I pick up the Poké Balls from the apartment floor and set them in my belt. Bellossom, Blaziken, Gyarados, Dragonite, and Togekiss sit in the devices. I spent at least three years training these guys. Aside from Roxanne, they were the only ones I had enough courage to talk to on this planet.

I grab my bag, which is filled with all sorts of unusual devices, and head outside. Opposite to my morning on Earth, I was running late. Roxanne wanted for me to observe an upcoming gym battle. I guess I’m still need to learn life lessons from my old teacher.

It is illegal to use flying Pokemon on most city grounds, so I end up taking the subway. Of course, it's lunch time there, and the station is even more packed than usual. I have to wait for my train to pass three times before it has enough room for me, and even then it seems as though the train is dragging slowly; very, very, slowly.

Eventually, I do get to the Rustboro City Gym. I am seventeen minutes late as I run inside and enter the guest room. It’s located on the higher left side of the stadium, so that spectators can view battles in progress. I look through the clear wall as I set my bag down to see that Roxanne is battling. What a relief. I sit myself on the back side of the room, by the window. I admire the battle while getting out my water bottle.

The kid she is battling has no chance. He walks in with a Zigzagoon and a Wurmple. He is going to walk out with a knocked-out Zigzagoon and a knocked-out Wurmple. A few minutes later, my prediction comes true. Roxanne walks up the stairs and enters the observation room, letting down her hair and giving an exasperated look to me. Where there used to be fancy curves of hair on her head are crazy curls. She runs her fingers through the curls as she sits down to talk.

“The nerve of kids these days is incredible,” she groans. “I can guarantee you that kid is going to be in my class tomorrow, expecting me to teach him everything I know in a day.”

“Well, what are you going to do about kids, you know?” I sarcastically remark. Roxanne scans my teenage body, realizing the joke.

“Well, the battle you and I had years ago was quite entertaining,” she remarks as she takes off the professional-looking clip on her dress.

“Anyways, “Teacher”, what’s the lesson today?” I ask, smiling. Roxanne used to be my teacher years ago, and because of that I had to get used to talking to her. As the years passed, it became less and less of a fear to talk to her. In the meantime, we became friends. But, I have decided to make my travelling abilities a secret from her. From everyone.

“The lesson is A: Do not walk into any gym battle with untouched Pokemon...” - she pauses as she pulls the hair out of her face - “and B: Retire after beating a challenger in one minute and fifty-two seconds.”

I laugh at the joke and turn to her. Roxanne isn’t laughing. She’s dead serious. She looks at me, expecting some sort of response. I realize what she is expecting me to do. She wants me to take her place.

“Wait…what?” I exclaim, scooting to the edge of my seat. “I don’t even have a Rock-type Pokemon, Roxanne! I don’t have any social skills at all! I travel a lot. There is no way I could do this.”

“I’m retiring, Miku,” she states bluntly, using my Pokemon Earth name, “and you’re going to replace me. You can do this. You don’t have to talk to the person during the battle, and you know you could catch some rock Pokemon easily.” She uses her soothing voice to get me to calm down, but it doesn’t help my burning face, nor my ability to stop myself from crying.

“Why? You’re only like…thirty-two…right?” I exclaim, gripping my bag. “You can’t retire.” She can’t leave me here. She can’t leave me to be alone.

“Thirty-one, actually. I’m retiring because I am getting to be a very tough gym leader to beat.” She pauses, looking at the floor. “I’m being promoted to the Elite Four. I can’t stay here, Miku. You’re going to have to learn how to communicate, and don’t you dare say you can’t. Our friendship is living proof you can.” She was right; of course she was right. She was the teacher, I was the student. I have to learn how to communicate. But how well can I communicate before I have to give up my secret? Before I have to tell the whole universe that I can travel to different worlds at will?

I realize something. This could be a good thing. If Roxanne and I had been friends for much longer, maybe she would notice that I would go to the train station a lot. Maybe I would screw up one time and say “Game Boy” instead of “PokeDex”. Eventually she would find out, and I would have to explain it to her. Then, I may have to tell all of the worlds. That can’t happen. They would use me to plot invasions, to create wars, to trade weapons. I wouldn’t work.

“C-congratulations,” I say, standing up and strapping my bag on my shoulder. I say it coldly, meaning for it to hurt. I don’t want her to come back. I don’t want to have to tell her. Roxanne is moving away. The only person who I could talk to without stuttering in almost all of Pokemon Earth is leaving me. But this is a good thing. At least that’s what I’m telling myself as I run away from the building.

It’s a good thing… I think as I hear her calling me name. I think that as I reach the complex, and as I get in the elevator.

Thoughts swarm my head as I rise with the elevator. It stops three floors before mine, and in comes a teenage boy. Of course I didn’t think to hold my tears until I reached my room. I turn around, wiping them away, red from embarrassment. The boy doesn’t make any move closer, and I’m glad he doesn’t. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be talked to.

The elevator stops at my floor, and we both get out. I notice the pile of boxes by the door across from mine, and see the boy walk up to it and open the door. Great, he is just going to wait until I stop crying and then ask what’s wrong. I pretend to walk to my “room” that is down the hallway, and wait for him to go inside and shut the door. When he’s done, I walk back to my room. This way, he won’t knock on my door asking what went wrong.

I sit on the couch and try to read a magazine on the latest Pokemon devices, trying to find something else to think about. I wanted to go back to Earth, but I was afraid of running into the boy, or Roxanne. I will leave early tomorrow. I begin to cry as I think about Roxanne again, and when I’m done, I’m glad it’s out of my system. I sit on my bed and try to think about something else. Right before I go to sleep, I realize how familiar that boy looked.
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
Woah, the writing section here is super active. I'm surprised!
It's usually not this super busy; I think the release of B/W has increased the amount of new stories posted. Though yeah, it is a little faster than most forums (least the ones I go to).

The doors open to an abandoned part of the station. I look around for a few seconds, gathering the information I can about this world. I have to switch my vocabulary, refreshing myself on the new names of objects in this world. Cell phones are PokeNavs. Animals are Pokemon. Hospitals are Pokemon Centers. Now that my review is over, I walk over to the exit gate that leads to the main station. Unlike the one on Earth, this station is completely packed. On Pokemon Earth there are very few cars, so the main modes of transportation are the bus or the train. Most people go for the train.
Interesting opening for this chapter; I like how you kind of just jump head-first into the pokemon world. A lot of people handle the transition from “real world” to “pokemon world” rather shakily; most of the time they unbelievably overexaggerate it (aka the WHOA OMG WHERE AM I?) sort of thing. But I like how Emily is taking things in stride. My only slight problem with this paragraph is the way you use “Earth” to refer to Emily’s previous world and the pokemon world (pokemon earth) in a small space of time. Since you already made clear that you’re talking about Pokemon Earth, I’m wondering if you could completely take out the “Pokemon Earth” in bold and replace it with “Here” for the sake of clarity/confusion (“There are very few cars here”).

They have the PokeNav business, I think a few people who worked to invent the PokeDex were born here and plenty of others here grew to be heroes of technology. I don’t know why, but every time I travel to Pokemon Earth, I end up here.
Comma after “business” should be a period.

“Anyways, “Teacher”, what’s the lesson today?” I ask, smiling.
Teacher should be in single quotation marks.

I realize something. This could be a good thing. If Roxanne and I had been friends for much longer, maybe she would notice that I would go to the train station a lot. Maybe I would screw up one time and say “Game Boy” instead of “PokeDex”. Eventually she would find out, and I would have to explain it to her. Then, I may have to tell all of the worlds. That can’t happen. They would use me to plot invasions, to create wars, to trade weapons. I wouldn’t work.
I like this paragraph. Says a lot in a short space of time. =P

Anyway, I do like your overall concept; I had no idea what you meant by “I am Traveler” in your last chapter until, well, this chapter, and the results were interesting. I do like how you handle the world switching; you make it sound so very normal, and it makes sense that it would since it is normal for Miku/Emily. She’s a fascinating character, Emily/Miku, not because of her traveling but her personality as someone shy and protective of her secrets. The narrative is a little clunky in places, specifically when you stop to describe things, but for the most part I like how you write this. It’s strangely paradoxical that it is kind of slow and flat (I don’t mean this in a bad way) since Miku/Emily is such a quiet and anti-social character. But because of that, the narrative has a distinct voice. It’s straightforward and to-a-point but you can tell we are reading from a specific character’s POV.

Still have no idea where we’re going with this, but I am enjoying the ride. Wonder who that boy is …
 
I enjoyed this. The idea of a character who appears to be escaping from real life in the world of Pokemon is a good one, even if can be read in a way that isn't exactly great for a Pokemon-obsessive's self-esteem (heh).

While 'travelling between worlds' is a common premise, it's definitely refreshing to see a story that focuses on a character who's used to it and does it on a regular basis, rather than one thrust into a confusing new world.

More than anything though, I can find myself relating to Emily quite well. I think you give a really clear picture of her mind (and it's worryingly similar to mine, I'm not that antisocial, am I?). She's a good character, and I'm looking forward to seeing how her story will unfold. Keep it up!
 

aggiegwyn

Well-Known Member
Breezy-Thanks again for catching those mistakes! If I could, I would hire you as an editor, seriously. I'm glad you enjoy the story so far, and I will definitely be fixing those soon. (Once my spacebar get's fixed. Now, I have to tap it super hard to get anything done.

TMD-Well, there were two things I wanted to do with Emily.

1.Make her adult. Children cannot save the world all of the time. But, she still seems childish since she is very shy.

2. Let her begin with knowing. I hate it when characters are requested to go on an adventure, and they only freak out for about five minutes, and then go "Okay."

That's incomprehendable. (If that is even a word.:/) If I were thrown into mortal danger, I would run away. And there we go.

So, Emily couldn't run away. I made her born with the ability, which will be told with more detail later.



Thanks to you both!
 
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