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The True Champion

C

captius

Guest
This is my first post on this site, but I have been writing for a little over six years professionally. I hope you like this story, it has been one I have wanted to share with people, but my editor told me there is no market for it, but I proved her wrong when I found this fan site lol. Enjoy...
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Prologue
Demolition​

The sun had just sunk behind the mountains, shrouding the massive arena in darkness. The Finals of the Pokemon Championships were about to begin and the crowd was getting restless, a ripple of whispering moved throughout. They had been waiting so patiently for this moment for more then two weeks, and now they were only a few seconds from the greatest match that there would ever be.

The challenger’s gates opened and a young man walked out. The crowd was deathly silent, as if this man had been sentenced to death. But with the reigning champion about to defend his title for the tenth time in a row, this challenger was going up against the greatest Pokemon Trainer in the country, maybe even the world. Ten years the champion had dominated, the closest he had come to losing was in his first ever title match, when he narrowly won against the reigning champion. This man was a legend.

The crowd roared in excitement as their champion marched out, his hands held high over his head, celebrating a win that he hadn’t earn yet. But with him, it was only a matter of time. They sent out their first Pokemon and the crowd roared even louder. The Challenger used his strongest, a large Arcanine, its fiery red hair blowing in the gentle breeze, making it looking even more menacing. The Champion decided to start the match of a little differently, he used a Tropius, one of his weaker Pokemon.

“Are you insane?” the challenger yelled over the crowd. His opponent smiled and pushed his greasy black hair out of his eyes.

“You make the first move!” the champion yelled.

“If you say so! Arcanine! Use flame thrower!”

The large Arcanine charged at the massive Tropius and jumped high above it with its powerful legs. A jet of flame erupted from the Pokemons mouth, engulfing the grass Pokemon with an intense heat. Arcanine landed just behind Tropius with a roar of victory.

“Give me a challenge!” the challenger yelled, but again the Champion smiled and shook his head.

“Since you asked! Tropius! Hyper Beam!”

The flames around Tropius died down and a massive beam of pure energy shot out and hit Arcanine square in the face, sending him flying into the far wall. The referee ran over and examined the Pokemon who was not moving. He raised the green flag showing that the winner of that round was the Champion. The crowd roared again, the very noise shaking the stadium.

“What’s the matter?” the champion asked as he flicked his hair back again. The challenger had fallen to his knees, a look of shock etched all over his face. He couldn’t believe that his strongest Pokemon, a fire type, had lost to his opponents weakest, grass type Pokemon. He knew now that he could not win this battle, the champion was just too strong.


“Did you have to beat that kid so bad?”

“He needed to be put into his place Rachel, you know that. He was too cocky,” the victorious champion said as he sat down on a bench in his changing room. The door opened and the challenger entered, tears welling in his eyes.

“Please sir! I beg of you! I tried my hardest, but you are just too strong! Please don’t destroy my village! We have nowhere else to go!” he begged.

“Well you should have thought about that before you lost. Now get out of my face before I call security!”

The boy sobbed and then ran out of the changing room, slamming the door in anger as he did. Rachel sighed and walked over to the wall where a map of the country was hung.

“Shall I tell the demolition team to get to work James?” she asked.

“Tell them to bulldoze the village today. Now we get to choose the next village to destroy in the name of progress. Hand me my darts please Rachel,” James said and took the gold darts that were handed to him. He closed his eyes and held a dart up. He threw it at the map and opened his eyes walked over to the map to see where it had landed.

“It looks like Reiden is the next to become a mall,” he laughed.

“Are you planning to do what you always do?” Rachel asked.

“Of course, it is funnier this way. Give them the hope of being able to save their homes and then crush them in the tournament!”

“Why can’t you just do it the proper way? This is really sick you know, bordering on inhumane. I know you are a great trainer, but what if, in the long run, you get beaten?”

“Come on now Rachel! I have never been beaten in my life, and the only time I came close to losing was ten years ago in the finals. I can’t lose, I’m golden!”

“I know, but what if you have an off day? All it takes is one of those and it is all over!”

“You worry about the legal side of our business, and let me worry about the other stuff. Now let’s get out of here before the crowd barges in looking for an autograph!”
 

Willow's Tara

The Bewitched
Hmm, seems pretty good, I wait to see what happens since this is only a progulue.

BTW, I think you accidently clicked on the thread twice cuz there are two threads made by you.
 

surskit

Cascade Trainer
making it looking even more menacing. The Champion decided to start the match of a little differently, he used a Tropius, one of his weaker Pokemon.

Looking should be look

Of should be off

No wonder there is no market for this, it's unprofessional and very poorly done. Yes I'll admit you are an ok writer and it was a little bit interesting for a few seconds but after a while it's just like duh... what's going on?

He's defending his title yet he is challenging people for their villages? WHAT!

It seems to me like this is rushed and choppy there is too much going on and it isn't very well-thought out.

Based on this tibit of story I'll bet my mother that you haven't sold one book...

And your editor what are you paying him with? buttons? because "six years of writing professionally" and having an editor whom I'm assuming is not professional as he couldn't pick out those two tiny mistakes. You just came across as arrogant and it just made you look stupid.

Please don't quit your job to become a writer, especially one for pokemon. Nintendo wouldn't buy this... junk!

On another note:
Good description and pretty interesting battle scene, although quick.

You could go far if you didn't think you were so good...
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Surskit's right. What are you paying your editor with? Editors have stacks upon stacks of manuscripts to read. What about yours made it so good?

Based on this prologue, I saw glaring problems with the plot. Like the fact that no character aside from Rachel has a name. It's a very good idea to introduce your characters by name right from the start. Also, the basic premise isn't great. A "champion" who defeats simple trainers wanting to save their villages for economic profit. Pish. Where's the rest of the story for this? The reasons are pretty superficial for him to destroy towns. Another mall?

The Champion decided to start the match of a little differently, he used a Tropius, one of his weaker Pokemon.

The first comma should be a semi-colon, or you should have turned it into a period, as the two ideas are different.

The referee ran over and examined the Pokemon who was not moving.

You might want to have a comma between "Pokémon" and "who."

A jet of flame erupted from the Pokemons mouth,

"Pokémons" needs an apostrophe.

had lost to his opponents weakest,

"Opponents" needs an apostrophe.

He needed to be put into his place Rachel,

Comma between "place" and "Rachel." He's talking directly to her.

“Shall I tell the demolition team to get to work James?” she asked.

Comma needed between "work" and "James."

Hand me my darts please Rachel,”

Comma needed between "please" and "Rachel."

“Come on now Rachel!

Comma needed between "now" and "Rachel."

Clichéd plot and characters. A lack of real motivation from the characters. Nothing introduced in the prologue. At least tell your readers where the story's location and time in the prologue.

Six years of writing "professionally" should tell you what it takes to break it in a world where it's hard to get a start. And this isn't a "market." It's a fan-site. You don't get paid for submitting your stories here.

And yes, you do have this thread twice. Please proof-read that, too.

Your arrogance isn't really welcomed either. It doesn't matter that you've been writing for six years. You're just starting out here.
 
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C

captius

Guest
Thanks for the replies...

Just as a note, the first post was written in about ten minutes as I was heading out the door this morning. This means that there are mistakes as you have all, some what a little roughly, pointed out.

Second of all I do have novels published, two to be exact. And as for being arrogant, I am sorry if I came off that way. I did not mean to, as I said, I was in a hurry.

From now on I will proof read everything I submit, but like in all work, there are bound to be some mistakes that come through. And, if at all possible, please submit constructive criticism, not stuff that breaks a person down.

As for the Prologue, I am sorry if it confused you, or you noticed plot holes. But the point of a prologue is to set the mood and begin the story, so those plot holes will be filled, if you continue to read.

I am working on the next chapter now, and should have it posted by tomorrow for those who care.

Thanks for everything again...
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
Pfft, why would anyone want to market a Pokémon story. That's just sad sweetie. Plus no one cares if you think your writing is crap or if you think you're the best writer in the world anyhoo. We're still going to judge you the same. We won't be in awe or pity you. Got it? Good. :) However, how an author acts doesn't reflect how well written his story is. I mean, most authors are either high or were alcholics but you see them producing works like Moby Dick or A Farewell to Arms or something.

Hanako tackled all the grammar mistakes for me. *shakes fist* But it's okay, we have other things to worry about anyways.

- I have a problem with the battle between Tropius and Arcanine. Why would the Arcanine stand there and take the hit instead of dodging it. His trainer could of easily used Agilty or Extremespeed maneuver. Even if he didn't, it's more instict that you're going to do something if you have a powerful attacking coming in your direction.

- More than a question than a comment. Are the people in the audience from the village? Why would they be cheering the champion on? More so, why would an audience be cheering on such an evil person. Surely they would of noticed that a village turned into a parking lot after the champion defeated a challenger.

- The challenger... no. Just. No. If he had come for far to even challenge the champion in the first place, no way in hell would he want to give up that easily, especially when his village is at stake?

- Is there no specific reason for the champion to destroy villages other than sick pleasure? Surely he would of been forced to resign as a Pokémon league champion because he's doing such terrible things.

- If Rachel is so peturbed by what the champion is doing, then why doesn't she do something about it instead of commenting on why he took it so hard on the challenger instead. They seem to be good friends, maybe she can convince him otherwise not to destroy villages. At least she could not call the demolition team.

- What is the "proper way" that Rachel speaks of? You mean there's a "proper way" to destroy people's homes? Does she want him to go into combat with the villagers and kill them himself or something?

Really, I'm concerned for the people in this time period. Why would they respect someone who tears downs people's home for commercialism and gets a sick kick out of it? Don't tell me that they don't know about it either seeing as this champion seems to have been doing this for quite some time and its pretty hard to miss a village.

However, I disagree with the clichéd characters, though they could of been better developed. For example, Rachel. If she finds the champions motives inhumane, why does she continue to work for him and not stop him or convince him otherwise? The champion was truly annoying, you made me hit him. So that's good. I still don't know why he wants to destroy villages though. So hopefully that will be explained later.

Speaking of those two, I have no clue what they look like other than the fact that the champion has greasy black hair.

I'm assuming that there's going to be an underdog trainer that somehow defeats the unstoppable champion, yes? :)

LaTeR dAyZ!

edit: Oh, new stuff. =3

Just as a note, the first post was written in about ten minutes as I was heading out the door this morning. This means that there are mistakes as you have all, some what a little roughly, pointed out.
There's a thing called patience. Wait until you have the time to proofread and such. It also proves surskit's point that you didn't seem to plan this out very well either. Type on the reply box much?
Second of all I do have novels published, two to be exact. And as for being arrogant, I am sorry if I came off that way. I did not mean to, as I said, I was in a hurry.
Titles please?

De-cockitize that attitude a notch. No one likes that in an author which is why certain reviewers reacted in that way when they posted.
 
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Astinus

Well-Known Member
If you did indeed type this in ten minutes, then my advice to you is to take a step back and proof-read it first. The goal is not to submit your story in the fastest, but to make it the best you can produce. Take Breezy's advice in that.

I'm sorry that my review "broke you down," but I figured that since you are a professional, you would have received a "form" letter from an editor. Editors, at least from what I've heard from other authors, don't sugar-coat it. If you did not say that you were used to the business, then I would have been much gentler. I just assumed. And for that, I'm sorry. I would have thought that you would have recieved some sort of rejection when you were beginning...

Yes, please. What are the titles of your books?

Breezy said:
Hanako tackled all the grammar mistakes for me. *shakes fist*

=3 Ha ha to you! ;p
 

surskit

Cascade Trainer
I hope you like this story, it has been one I have wanted to share with people

Just as a note, the first post was written in about ten minutes

Wow you just totally contradicted yourself and proved that there is no editor and you're not professional. You are a LIAR!

If it was one you wanted to share with people for a long time than how come it is littered with grammar mistakes and plot-holes? Oh ya because you wrote it in ten minutes before wlaking out the door? So therefore your 'editor' didn't look over it at all and therefore couldn't have said that there is no market for it and therefore you are a liar and are probably lieing about you being a professional writer.

And on another note, if you were a professional writer and did have two books published, what are you doing writing books on pokemon? It's ok for me as I'm only 11 but you come off as much older but way less mature.

I'll wait to be astounded by the first chapter and if it isn't good than I'll stand by my first idea for your rating, 1/5 stars.
 
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