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The Ultimate Price *Horror oneshot*

katiekitten

The Compromise
The Ultimate Price *Horror one shot*

Wells, here is my first attempt at anything horror! (Waters Deep was not scary, so it doesn't count :p) I wrote this for the trial of terror horror oneshot competition at actually tied third! *falls over* A big surprise, especially as I tied with Typhogirl. Anyways, enough of my babble, here's the story!





A wind rustled through the trees, brushing by oak and birch as it pursued its quarry, twittering with excitement. It slipped past the warring boughs, diving through their grasping fingers and into the thriving undergrowth, alive with calls of the night. A crashing sound, a black shadow stumbling by, tripping over its own feet in its hurry to escape. Thorn bushes dragged at his tangled, midnight-black fur, their bright fruits dripping off his gnashing maw as he snapped at the bushes that held him tight. The wind cackled behind him, whispering evil things in his ear. He could hear the eager snuffling of those who followed his path, see the flickering amber light that speared towards him in the gathering gloom. They were coming. Coiling his shaking muscles, he leapt free and was off again, stealing through the night. A twisting tendril of fog streamed behind him, whipping up to veil the ever-watchful eye of the full moon, her serene gaze casting the woods a ghostly hue. No where to run, no where to hide.

A break in the leaves allowed soft moonlight to spike down, sliding in crystal shards off the bowed leaves to smash silently on the ground. He lunged forward, wincing as moonlight blazing off silver stripes that lay across the broad expanse of his back, flashing briefly before falling once more to the dew encrusted grass. He was afraid it would shine like a beacon, blaring his whereabouts to the whole forest. He thundered up a high rise, panting heavily, desperate to escape. He had the slim figure of a greyhound, paws pattering on the leaf-strewn floor. His coat glistened with sweat, froth flew from his open mouth. His eyes were alight with a terrible flame; it fed upon his fear, pushing him into madness. He had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

He trembled with terror as he tripped on a hidden rabbit hole, his face mashing into the worm-ridden, wet earth. He had to get up, they were coming for him! But he couldn’t. He gave a small moan as a wave of pain spiked up from his forepaw, burning with an unforgiving fire. He struggled to his feet and stared at it, dangling uselessly in the predawn light. They would find him now, he could run no longer. He dragged himself to the shelter of a draping willow, whining as his foot throbbed agonisingly. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

A distant rustling, they were coming closer. He curled himself into a ball, tucking his nose under his tail for comfort, trying to become as small as possible. Wishing for them to leave. Begging them. His eyes rolled, the whites showing as he bit his tongue to prevent himself from crying out. He must not make a sound, or they would be on him in seconds. His consciousness began to drift, darkness creeping steadily onwards at the edges of his vision. He shook his head to clear it, then stopping in the middle of the motion, head cocked and listening. They were here.

A large creature blundered out of the undergrowth, head turning this way and that as it sniffed the wind, hunting for its prey. He closed his eyes, knowing that this is the end. A growl confirms his thoughts, and the doglike creature gradually approached.

Thud.

Thud.

The sound of heavy footsteps trailing towards him, filling him with dread.

Thud.

Thud.

Arrogant steps, filled with confidence, knowing its prey was helpless, coming slowly towards his hiding place.

Thud.

It paused outside, the putrid smell of rotten meat rolling towards him. He waited with baited breath. It was lingering on the outskirts, prolonging his agony. He moaned as it laughed maliciously, before thrusting its head and powerful shoulders between the bars of his willow prison. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. The yells of the humans echoed behind it, bringing with it the harsh light of torches, illuminating the face of his death. It was an Arcanine.

A memory surged, overriding his consciousness and throwing him deep into the bowels of the past, eyes closing as it appeared before his eyes…


***


The Pit. The iron cage that restrained him, the reek of fresh blood that seemed to coat every surface. He prowled backwards and forwards in his cage, every once in a while throwing himself against the bars in desperation. He was hungry. So hungry.

Around him, he heard the mocking voice of the one who had condemned him to this hell, the one who forced him to bow to his will. Filthy scum. How could he think he could rule me! Alas, I cannot reach him. Cannot go near him. He is high, to high for me to jump, no matter how much I try. A rumbling growl rose up his throat as he spat angrily in the direction of the voice. How dare he! There was a burst of laughter.

“Ganni’s a feisty one, isn’t he?” His jailer remarked.

A spark of light, Ganni pressed his nose against the bars of the cage. He was in a dingy cellar, far underground. An echoing passage way led to the outside world, he was placed against the cavernous opening. But he could not get out. No matter how hard he tried. A single torch was placed on a far wall; a silhouetted figure raised a strange device with flames erupting from the top. He lit the torch, revealing more of the room. Rows of cages lined the wall, all chained to the other and firmly attached. Their inhabitants, pokemon of all shapes and sizes, hissed as the light struck their vulnerable eyes, so used to the dark that even a hint of light was unbearable. Ganni barked sharply, throwing himself against one side of his cage in an attempt to knock it over. He had to escape, get out of this blasted cage! But it was no use. He whimpered a little, tail tucked around his back leg as he trembled. The cage seemed to close around him, causing his breath to catch in his throat. But now was not a time for fear. Gritting his teeth, he used his fear to fuel his anger and attacked the bars again, baring his teeth and snapping savagely.

The man laughed, raising the fire device and lighting a strange stick that was clamped tightly in those weak jaws. Ganni growled menacingly, a ball of fire began to form in the bottom of his throat, the familiar warmth comforting him. His eyes glinted angrily as he released his attack, sending it soaring across the room, towards the human.
Fool, he thought, a smile of satisfaction curved up the sides of his lips.
He’s defenceless. In a couple of seconds he will be a pile of smouldering ash. A warning to all humans not to mess with me. He watched his creation with glee, eyes lighting up with hope. The small inferno was half way across the room when it stopped in its tracks, slamming in to a previously invisible wall.

He snarled in surprise. A translucent barrier spanned across the room, chopping it in half. He could not touch his tormentor, not without going through this wall. The human laughed once more, walking to the edge and staring into his eyes. Ganni glared back, hackles rising as he spat at the human in defiance. He hated him, loathed him. He wanting nothing better than to fasten his jaws around his neck and tear him to pieces. The Human lowered himself carefully to the floor, allowing the flickering flame of the fireball to reveal his features. He had a small, pig like face, the face of prey. Ganni's eyes flashed angrily as a bark rumbled up his throat. The man shook his head in amusement whilst idly scratching his unshaven cheeks. A wave of greasy brown hair tumbled down his face, slightly covering eyes that shone a startling crystal blue in the flickering light. He grinned at the captive, gold fillings glinting amongst the motley group of greying teeth.

“It’ll be your turn soon, my sweetie,” He cooed, a manic light dancing in his eyes. “You better be good, or you will end up like them,”

He pointed to a heap of rags in the corner. Ganni peered closer, turning his face to the side for the best angle, curious. On top of a rapidly decomposing blanket was a group of huddled forms, tossed together unceremoniously. A crimson liquid dripped off of the nearest one, which twitched and began to whimper. The human cursed, heaving himself up and marching over to the prone forms. He picked up the torch on his way over, and held it over the pile.

Ganni stared at them in horror, bile rising in his throat. It was a pile of corpses, a set of mangled bodies that had been savagely torn apart. It was a growlithe who had whimpered, it was silenced with a harsh kick. Ganni could not tear his eyes off of the horrific scene, frozen in place like a dear in the headlights. The Growlithe was barely holding onto life, bleeding from a dozen cuts dotted over its whole body. Where its tail had been was now a bleeding stump, bone protruding up from the grizzly wound. It had been literally torn off, no trace of it remained. The man grimaced, reaching down and hauling up the Growlithe by a leg. It cried out in pain, writhing, reaching out and trying to snag the man with his claws, attempting to escape.

“You see?” Asked the man calmly, turning towards Ganni. With his face wreathed in shadows, he looked wild, a feral light gleaming in his eyes. “This is what will happen to you if you lose.”

With a flex of his biceps, the man swung the Growlithe savagely into the wall. There was a sickening crunch. The pathetic creature screamed in agony, half its side curved inwards, blood spurting on to the walls and floors of the cavern. Its ribs had punctured its skin, the bone dimly reflecting in the grimy light of the torch. Sobbing, the growlithe wriggled feebly, the blood dribbling across its face and congealing over its eyes and mouth. It was drowning in its own blood. The man grinned, lifting his arm back and bringing the scarlet bundle forwards with another blood curdling scream. Again. And again. He had no mercy, beating the Growlithe on the wall until it cried no more, the spark of life leaving its eyes.

He tossed it back on the stack with disgust, blood dribbling down his elbow, before marching out past Ganni, down the corridor. Ganni's eyes flicked to the wall where the gore glistened in the flickering red light, a terrible message of the punishment he would receive if he did not please. Bile rose in his throat, shortly followed by terror. It welled up, crying, screaming, threatening to overthrow his calm certainty, to send him into a panicked frenzy. He compressed the urge, shuffling uncomfortably. He had been forced to soil himself in a corner of the cage. Padding silently to the other end, he lay down and curled himself up, resting his head on his tail and closing his eyes. Nightmares awaited him of the Growlithes empty eyes, staring sightlessly at him, filled with sorrow. No where to run, no where to hide.

The next day, they came for him. He had had a sleepless night, tossing and whimpering at odd intervals, coat slippery with sweat. He woke up with a start as something rattled his cage, blinking blearily at the source of the disturbance. The man was back, kneeling a mere foot away behind the cage walls. Ganni growled, struggling to get to his feet and lunging at the side of the cage, eyes locked on the ruthless killer. The man chuckled, standing up and walking away.

“He’ll do well,” he called to some unknown person behind the cage.

Ganni suddenly lost his footing, slipping to the ground. He was moving, the cage scooting along the ground into the dark tunnel. He got one last glimpse of the cavern, the walls still stained maroon and the man standing in front of it before a sharp turn placed a barrier of hard packed soil in the way. He crushed himself on the bottom bars, claws unsheathed and digging into the floor for stability. Fear returned, huddling in a corner of his mind. He tried to ignore it as the floor rocked and bounced, the constant movement causing his empty stomach to roll. He whimpered and stuck his head imbetween his paws. He felt sick, images of the growlithe coming once more to his mind. What had happened to it? Will the same happen to me? He whined, closing his eyes. After what seemed like an age, the cage came to an abrupt stop, sending his sliding into the front bars. He lifted his head, cautiously sniffing the air. It bore tidings of fear. He began to tremble, sniffing for all he was worth. The fear was coupled with the metallic tang of blood, coming from dead ahead. His fear once again threatened to topple him over the edge, he pushed it aside with difficulty, shuddering.

His feet scrambled to push him farther back into the depths of the cage as he tried to get as far away from the smell as possible. The sound of brisk movement, a hidden grate was thrown open, leaving the way free. He stared at it suspiciously; preparing to move when the cage tilted and a huge force threw him forwards. He flew through the air, soaring out of the cage and landing with a smack on a sandy floor. Pain wracked through his body, causing him to lie there, whimpering, as it slowly faded. The lack of food had weakened him, crumbled his resolve. He was hungry. So hungry.

He raised his head, wincing as his head pounded. The stench of sweat and fear flooded his nose, the smell exciting him slightly. The pleasant tingle reminded him of the countless pokemon battles he had participated in, that small memory bringing a shred of comfort to his world. He blinked and got up with a little difficulty, the lack of food beginning to show. He looked around him, searching for the ones that had brought him here. But there was no one there, a strong grating blocking off the only exit.

He was in a large pit, its earth walls scarred with a series of different cuts and gashes. Looking up he could see a gaggle of spectators, humans, leaning over the edge and jeering. He growled and sent a tongue of fire to lick their grasping hands, wanting to see the fear in their faces. But instead they laughed, much as the man had did as his fire struck yet another invisible wall. A soft coo dragged his eyes down, directing him to a ragged lump in the center of the floor. He glared at it, watching as it moved, revealing itself as a pidgey. It was shaking, staring at him with wide, fear filled eyes. The sight of it sent an additional tingle of excitement up his spine. This was going to be fun...

A voice called from the back of his mind, surfacing and directing his actions. He crouched low, hackles rising. The bird screeched in fright, flapping its wings weakly, trying to take off. Its fear only fueled the fire. He growled menacingly, a deep-throated sound that rumbled through out the cavern. The catcalls from overhead stopped, the tension in the atmosphere increasing as they all craned their skinny necks to see what was going to happen.

Silence.

Now! Instructed his brain, goading him into action. Attack now! He obeyed.

Bunching up his strong leg muscles, he lunged forward, jaws opening wide to reveal razor sharp blades. The pidgey screamed as his teeth sunk into its wing, a warm liquid spurting out and running down his throat, refreshing him and urging him on. Droplets of blood flew from his jaws as he arched his head away, taking the pidgey with it. On and on the pidgey shrieked, a terrible high pitched sound that wrent through the silence, sending shivers of pleasure down his spine as he tore the pidgey apart. Clouds of feathers billowed out as the cries stopped, ending in a finalising gurgle. Grinning he raised his blood stained muzzle and threw his head back, howling his triumph, weaving a chilling song that spoke of the glories of life and death, echoing hollowly around the room. His stomach chose that moment to growl loudly, reminding hims angrily of its missed meals. His gaze strayed to the bird at the center of the room. He was hungry... So hungry... Getting up, he trotted over to it and began to feed.

A screech of metal alerted him to the presence of another, entering what he now considered his domain. He looked up sharply, stepping carefully away from the corpse. With a clang, a gate that had briefly been opened was swung shut, the sounds of hurried footsteps retreating the only sound. The spectators began to murmur to each other, keeping a close eye on the action below. He bared his teeth, saliva dripping from his open jaws as he panted hard.

There was something out there; something hidden in the shadows by the gate. A soft hiss, a padding sound, and his new opponent emerged into the moonlight that streamed down from above, filtered by the scorched glass. It was the size and shape of a grown wolf, curved fangs protruding from its grizzled maw, its grey hide mud streaked and dirty, and somewhat pungent. It smelt off unwashed body, sweat and mothballs, the exquisite scent tickling his sensitive nose. He ignored it, stepping forward and warning it off with a low growl. It answered with a growl of its own, crouching low, hackles raised. He responded in kind, calling upon the fire that lurked deep within and storing the power at the base of his throat. An intruder! In his territory! He did not like that, no, not at all. His tail swished back and forth angrily. His enemy noticed and took the offensive, darting in close and swiping his dark pelt with ivory claws. He snarled as it cut through his skin, pain twanging in his side, but he pushed it away and released the flame. It reached forward eagerly, splaying onto the spot where the Mightyena had once been. But it was gone, melded into the shadows.

A flicker of movement to the right, he turned in time to see the wolf lunging at him, snapping wildly. He whimpered as it crashed into him, the surprise attack sending him to the ground. Adrenalin began to pump through his veins as he rolled out of the way and got back to his feet, instincts kicking in. He leaped away as the mightyena snapped at where his neck had been a few seconds later, tail swiping angrily. He struck forward with a clawed paw, just missing as the mightyena retreated and began to circle him. He watched it closely, noting its every movement. When he saw its body tense he prepared himself for the inevitable charge.

The wolf leaped forwards, eyes narrowed with concentration as it thundered ever closer. Arrogance prided its every step, it was certain that it had him now. Ganni's eyes took a quick sweep of his where abouts. Two walls prevented a backwards escape, he was being backed into a corner. His confidence shrunk a little at the knowledge, but he quickly refocused himself on the task at hand. The Mightyena was only a couple of feet away when Ganni jumped high into the air, taking the wolf by surprise. With a small Yowl, it tried to stop itself as it watched Ganni fly over its head, landing softly on his paws behind it. With a small whimper it collided with the wall, taking a few, dizzy steps backwards before slipping to the ground. That was all Ganni needed.

He was there in a flash, leaping onto his fallen enemy, back feet scraping its tender under belly with razor sharp claws as he fixed his jaws around the beasts neck. In cried out in pain as he slowly tightened his grasp, slowly cutting off its air supply.

The feeling of triumph was over powering. He was on a high, it was stronger than it had been with the pidgey. He could feel the mightyenas racing pulse on his tongue, its salty sweat mixing with his saliva. There was an odd roaring in his ears as he stood over his opponent, staring unforgiving in to its fear filled eyes. He grinned wickedly, enjoying the feeling. Power. Ultimate power.

With a savage growl he ripped his head backwards, tearing out the Mightyena's throat. Its eyes widened in shock as it jerked madly, pupils dilating. Blood seeped out of its wound, spilling on to the floor, dyeing the sand a deep crimson. It continued to spasm a few seconds after its death, before silence returned once more.

He stared at the grizzled bodies that lay spread-eagled on the floor. He was panting hard, the thrill of the kill still with him, filling him with jubilant joy. HE had done it. By himself. No one messes with him and gets away with it. The sullen creak of the gate cut through the air, he whipped his head around, towards the sound. He allowed himself a grin. He was ready this time. Getting up, he sped towards the grating, slipping through the gap as the person manning it desperately tried to close it. He snarled, leaping up and knocking the human over, examining his face. It wasn’t him. He growled, briefly scratching deep into the mans cheek, cutting into the bone, enjoying the mans shriek of pain before he was off again, running through the passage.

It wasn’t long before he found him. The Man. His tormentor and captor. He was still in the cage room, idly kicking at the mound of dead bodies. Hearing Ganni's warning growl, he looked up, fear stark on his stupid face. He began to back up, putting his hands behind him that writhed around, searching for a weapon. Coming across the torch he removed it from its bracket and hid it behind his back. As if it would do him any good.

“Good doggy,” He cooed, keeping a close eye on Ganni and steadily backing up. “I didn’t mean you no harm.”

Ganni's growl dropped an octave and he began to stalk forward, teeth bared, crouched low to the ground, muscles ready to move in a split second. No one would treat him like that and get away with it. He would have his revenge. He backed the man into the corner, the look of sheer terror on the mans face when he discovered he was trapped sending another shiver of pleasure down his spine.

“Good boy…”

Why did he keep up his useless mutterings? Ganni thought, snapping suddenly, causing the man to flinch. It wouldn't do him any good. He grinned wolfishly as he approached, enjoying his preys fear. He feinted a jump, laughing as the man cringed. Adrenaline rushed through his veins, causing his body to tingle pleasantly. When he was less than a foot away he coiled his back legs muscles, and lunged.

The man was ready. With a yell he ducked, holding up his torch and pushing it against Ganni's soft under belly. The cave was filled with Ganni's outraged yelps of pain as he tumbled to the ground, snarling. His coat was singed, the skin beneath badly burnt. Once again the pain hardened his resolve as his eyes narrowed. The man dropped the torch, causing it to go out. He looked down at it for a few seconds, realising he had nothing left. He was helpless. There were tears in his eyes when he looked up and placed his feet solidly on the ground. He held up his hands, waiting for the inevitable. He got it.

Ganni leaped onto him, slashing at him with all his might, ripping him to shreds. Blood splattered everywhere, once more staining the floor and walls. The man was screaming, screaming, batting at Ganni uselessly as he slipped his claws into the mans chest, clawing at the mans rib cage, each crack causing the mans shriek to rise in pitch. Flashes of the Growlithe flickered before Ganni's eyes, as helpless as the man was now. He writhed with pain, just holding onto life as Ganni slowly, delight glittering in his eyes, raised a clawed paw and stabbed down, straight into the mans heart. His screams faded abruptly as he slumped to the floor, blood crawling from his nose and mouth, collecting in puddles of gore. Ganni looked up. The Pokemon stared at him from their numerous cages, some whimpering slightly. He took no notice of them, hearing the concerned cries of humans who were coming to seek their comrade. His eyes blazed, he did not care. He would kill them all if he had to...

One stumbled in and stared in gob-smacked horror at the scene before him. A Houndoom with a mad fire raging in its eyes and blood dripping from its crimson jaws standing over the shattered corpse of the man...



***


A sharp bark brought him back to consciousness. The Arcanine stood over him, her eyes glinting in triumph. His time was quickly running out. No where to run, no where to hide. His luck was gone, his hourglass nearly empty. He struggled to his feet, still not giving up. Maybe there was hope, maybe he could convince her to let him go... His breathing was shallow, fast, mirroring his panic. His heart raced, eyes flicking from side to side in vain. He was not ready to die, not now, not here, not ever. Colors accosted him; sounds, smells. Everything seemed clearer, details standing out. Each individual blade of grass; the whistling of the wind, the moonlight bouncing off the willows fronds... So beautiful, so fragile. Life was so precious, not something to be thrown away.

This is not the way. He whispered to the Arcanine, begging her with his eyes. For he knew her fate. If she did not flee, she would be condemned to die like him. Die in that filthy, dsgusting pit, no one to morn you, no one who cares. He shuddered. At least he had made a stand. He had nearly gotten away. Freedom was so close, yet so far...

She faltered for a brief second, a confused look in her eye. She cocked her head, thinking. A spark of hope bloomed in his heart. Maybe she would believe him, let him go, let him live! But it was lost when she grinned, eyes glinting with delight at her trick.

Your last words. She commented, thoughtful. Pity.

She grinned wider and stepped forward, unsheathing her claws. He tried to back up, but he did so resignedly, knowing it was the end. It's funny, he thought, feeling a wave of calm settling like a warm blanket around him, how when you know you are about to die you feel no fear. No panic. Just quiet acceptance. His original panic was gone, sped away by his turmulting emotions. Sadness, longing for what he couldn't have, but most of all, just that. Quiet acceptance. He gazed at his executioner, who was giving him a slow lazy smile. She knew he was dead. Nodding slightly he sighed, closing his eyes and standing tall. Crouching she leapt forward, slashing at his legs until he fell to the ground, crying out in pain. He tried to get up, tried to roll onto his front, but it was too late. She came up behind him, eyes flashing with the same delight his had, laughing as she sunk her claws mercilessly into his belly. He shrieked, pain pulsing through his body as his life blood poured to the ground. He feebly tried to kick at her, but she ignored it, slashing his face cruelly. His sight began to narrow, slipping into darkness, as she bent down and bit into his flesh, tearing out a huge chunk and eating it, before his eyes. The pain faded as he averted his eyes, gazing up at the full moon. It poked through the leaves of his hovel, falling upon the silken grass. His last thought was of how beautiful it was as a smile twisted up the corners of his lips for the last time…
 
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Hakura May

Xin Nian Dao!
~Puts a pillow on the ground before you fall down~ :p

I can't believe you haven't got any reviews yet. This is awesome! Poor Growlithe, though. ;_;

The description was awesome. I could see every movement. That's the main aspect of horror; the description. I mean, why would you want a horror fic with no description? It's like jumping into a wall. You aren't supposed to do it; it's very obvious. You aren't anything like that. The description was beautiful, and you drag away from the paragraphs by doing so. Description is definatly your strength. I love it! ~Falls over from the awesome description~

I caught a small mistake. I wouldn't count it as a mistake, but it just sounds... odd. o_O

A spark of light, Ganni pressed his nose against the bars of the cage. He was in a dingy cellar, far below ground. An echoing passage way led to the outside world, he was placed against the cavernous opening.

I don't know why. "Far below ground" just sounded... weird to me. Maybe "far underground" or something similar. I don't know why. Just sounds... odd.

Overall... Awesome job! I was never into horror, personally. I like reading it, but I was never good at writing it. I'm good with Adventure and Pokemon battles, and sword fights. XP 'Tis all.

Keep up the good work! ^-^
 

IceKing

Sexorific!
Duuuuudette! I loved this one shot, I'm quite surprised it only won third place, I know it was definetely better than mine. I can definitely see why Patty chose this as her first place. You should enter *Insert Catchy Title* (The upcoming Comedy One Shot contest)!


So anyways, onto the review. As I stated before, I loved this fic. I loved the beginning quotation with the wind, it was very beautiful and really drew me into the story. Its like one of those beginnings to a movie. And I could definetely see this being some sort of a short movie. The introduction was simply amazing, kinda of reminded me of Floating Flame's Monster, and I really liked the suspense of the Mighteyena (I wasn't too sure what exactly he was... I had the image of a Growlithe but the second time aroudn I noticed he had midnight black fur) hiding from whatever danger was approaching him.

I actually looked at this fic a million times before, and I was really expecting for the italics to annoy the crap out of me, but they didn't. I thought the italics were a nice touch and made a good emphasis on the flashback. Started with Media Res, aye? Ok, I stole that from Bay in his review to my own fic =( But again, the italics kinda made me picture the whole before scene as if it was black and white, similar to the Harry Potter movies if you watch them.

But the content in the italics was much better than the actual italics. I loved the saga explaining the whole story. I was still unsure of what the main pokemon is, but Im just hoping its a Mighteyena. And I have a strong feeling that I'm misspelling Mighteyena. I particularly loved how you developed Ganni as just a bloodlusting evil bastard. Or maybe he really isn't , he's just vicious by nature. I loved how you described his lusts to see the man burn into an inferno of smoldering ash, and how it was fulfilled in the end. Personally, I think the Growlithe's murder was the best scene in the entire one shot. The description was just so incredibly...perfect and I could picture it perfectly. I wouldn't think that just throwing him into a wall would do so much damage though.

The actual arena battles were simply brilliant. I was all fidgeting during the Pidgey's murder, because I like birds and the thought of it getting killed so brutally made me quite queasy. Just curious, was Pidgey a warm up act for the actual opponent, Mightyena (now Im thinking Ganni is a Houndoom). One of the things I felt could have been improved was that Mightyena put up more of a fight and not make it as one sided. I just love how you describe tearing throats out, it's just so bloody vivid (pun intended). As for theme and charachter development, I loved the use of "Adredonaline" and "hormones" to show Ganni's vicious nature and how being so brutal came so natural to him. Lady Myuu wrote a similar fic called the Dog Pit except her main charachter was a weakling, after reading that, it was night to read the POV of one of the vicious fighters.

I'm kinda surprised that the man was brave enough to be alone with Ganni after witnessing him violently kill two pokemon, but hey, stupidity kills. And what a lovely killing scene as well, though the whole tearing throats out was becoming a bit redudant at this point. I wasn't fond of the actual ending as much as I was of the italics and introduction, but it was still written very nicely and had me on the edge of the seat. I was hoping for more gore by Arcanine, but the fear felt by Ganni was much better. I loved how you said panic eventually disappears and is replaced by acceptance. Question: Who sent the Arcanine to find Ganni?

So other than that, mechanics were good. There were no major problems except for this:

Ganni fell on him as a Cheater a gazelle

Should be cheetah on a gazelle. Though Lions are more associated with killing gazelles. Or Fire Trucks (brownies to whoever catches that reference)


Overall, 5/5 EXCELLENT fic! This will definetely go among my favorites, I can't wait till I read Phoenix over the summer =P Keep writing!

EDIT: WHO VOTED THIS A ONE? I oughtta kick you in the nuts...
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
Aw, thanks guys! *hugs* I appreciate the reviews!

Tavion: *hugs pillow* Thankis! XD

I'm glad you liked the description! I really enjoyed writing it, and I'm glad you liked it as well. *hugs* I agree, 'far below ground' is a little odd. I'll sort that out. :)

IceKing! *tackleshugssmooshes* Thankies for reviewing!

Mine is so not better than yours... Yours sweeped me off my feet and into the next dimension. XD I'll give the comedy one a try, when it comes along. I'll probably use it as an excuse to write the evil bunny king of doom. XD

You liked the wind part? Hurray! *does happy dance* I liked that part to, but I wasn't certain if it was to much of an overload on the description. Ganni in the end was a houndoom, but I think I should have made him a Houndoor. I just keep on seeing him, like you said, as a growlithe and an Mightyena, however you spell it. XD
The italics turned out ok? Good... I was worried they might put people off. I'm glad it didn't too much. :)

The Harry Potter movies were good. I especialy like the girl who plays Hermione... Black and White like the Flash backs in the second? I hadn't thought about it that way, but yeah, it fits. :)

You liked the Growlithe scene? >=) Me to, it was my first try at a gory sequence and I'm glad t turned out well. I'll edit it a bit so it is more realistic, thanks for pointing that out. :)

Yeah, Ganni is a vicious little fellow. XD I quite enjoyed writing him. Te thought processes were a recent edit, I thought it could use a little more umph. I'm glad I did. :)

You liked the arena battle too? Hurray! *Brings out champagne and gives a bottle to IceKing and Tavion* I'm not normaly a violent person, so this was a lot of fun... >=) For the next week I was spouting grizly scenes, especially when these five year olds came around... *laughs evilly* I would have, but I just stopped myself. XD

Yah, the Pidgey was a little warm up, to see how good he was. Once they had tested him, they brought out the big guns. I'll go back and edit the Mightyena part, make it so it puts up more of a fight. I was in a hurry when I reached that point... *kicks self*
I'll change th tearing out throast bit. XD Thanks for pointing that out! I will most certainly change it. And give the ending a little more gore. :) I really loved how in your one shot, you kept up the grizzly detail to the end. I won't be able to do as well, but I can try. :)

Yeah, I never really liked that sentence. It never sounded right. Tha nks for pointing it out! I'll edit it. :)

Oh, the Arcanine was sent by the men manning the dog pits. They didn't want him to escape and let people know wat was going on, so they sent out the hounds. :)

Thank you so much the review! *hugs again* It really helped! I'll go get those mistakes... *takes out rusty sword plushie an brandishes* XD

Edit: Oh my. XD I sure do use a lot of smilies... XD

Edit Two: There we go! All edited. *brushes hands together* XD
 
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Lily

you were the one.
Fantastic imagery! Wonderful use of words, and you conveyed the actions well. I didn't really feel this to be a horror one shot, but rather, one of sadness. o_O; Odd little me. Pity for the Growlithe. ;.; Overall it exuded a feel of..what's the word..a sad, long tale ingeniously crafted together to produce such lyrical prose. I especially loved how you ended it - very poetic and elegant. Also..

Your last words. She commented, thoughtful. Pity.

Loved it. XD

No major qualms as far as I'm concerned, and this is solely my personal problem, but the story felt a bit tedious and dragged out...granted, I admired your skills on weaving the story together, but I simply felt some parts were too tedious. *short attention span* ;_;

Your work leaves mine to shame. Splendid job. =]!
 

cdra1617

Not a Seadra
...uh, in the mood? o_o

It was... great. I dunno why I'm barely phased here. o.o But anyway the begining and end were perfect. Just... woah o_O some of that was pretty violent but... it was really well done. The pit sort of came to life there, but unfortunately I didn't catch that he was a Houndoom until like... the end >.>

The whole theme, his urge to destroy that man, it was just wonderfully put together and overall very gorey. o.o But in a good way, since this is horror. XP

*gives cookie and pokes* Good work, keep on writing! :3
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Thankies for the reviews! *hugs Kairi and cdra*

Thankies for the review, Kairi!

Yeah, I agree with you in both points. :) It was a little long, and it is a little boring, sorry about that. *kicks self* It's just to... long... XD I'll work on it in the next one shot I write, and I'll try to fix this one up. :)

For some reason I seem to be good at writing tragedies. XD My story is miserable, my one shots are miserable... Might be because I am so cheery, my stories turn out sad. XD Ah well, I always enjoy writing them. :)

I love that sentence. XD It has to be one of my favourite parts of this one shot. That and the beginning sentence. :)

Cdra! Thanks for coming! :)

I made you speechless? :eek: *falls over onto pillow again* Yeah, it was pretty gory. XD My first try at proper horror. I'm glad you liked it!

Don't worry about not figuring out he was a houndoom, the hints were very subtle. I'll try and make it more obvious. :) *eats cookie and is poked* Thanks! XD

Thank you guys again! *hugs*

Edit: Just noticed the rating... Attack of the phantom one stars! XD I can kinda understand them not liking it that much for it being boring, but they could have rated 3 or 4. *shakes head in amusement* What ever gets them going, I guess. :p
 
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Lily

you were the one.
;o;!!! That one-star was not justified; boredom cannot constitute a low rating, and neither can envy/admiration, from what I am assuming! >O Honestly...people out there will do anything. *votes 5*

Sincerely, your anonymous benefactor. :DD
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
XD Thanks Kairi! *hugs*

I'm writing a new one shot at the moment... I am about two pages in. It is going to be different from this, it's going to be first person for once. :)

It should be... interesting. XD
 

Lily

you were the one.
Awesome! I'll be looking forward to that ('specially since it's a one shot). Would you be so kind enough to inform me when you're done writing? (Or not, if you're busy~) I'll be honored to read it. <3
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Sure! ^.^ I would love to let you know. :)

Kairi, your one shot is so sad... *sniffs* You are a very good writer, don't put yourself down. :)

Iceking has started a comedy contest... *rubs hands together excitedly* Finally an excuse to get myself to write The Evil Bunny King of Doom. I don't think it will be funny enough though... I'll try my best. :)
 

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Ah, yes. I remember this. ^^ Terrific, absorbing, story, this, and one that stands up very nicely to multiple readings. It's nice and gory; it's got well-done atmospherics, with the cruelty, squalor and despair of the dog pit and cages very tangible; and you did a great job of getting behind Ganni's eyes - his fear, his bloodlust, and in the end, his resign are portrayed well. ^^

Highlights:

It slipped past the warring boughs, diving through their grasping fingers and into the thriving undergrowth, alive with calls of the night.

Lovely, and a great way to set the scene.

The wind cackled behind him, whispering evil things in his ear.

Very cool line. ^^

He had a small, pig like face, the face of prey.

That right there is my favorite line in the entire story. I just LOVE it. ^^

With his face wreathed in shadows, he looked wild, a feral light gleaming in his eyes.

That is a really wicked image. Very nice.

With a flex of his biceps, the man swung the Growlithe savagely into the wall. There was a sickening crunch. The pathetic creature screamed in agony, half its side curved inwards, blood spurting on to the walls and floors of the cavern. Its ribs had punctured its skin, the bone dimly reflecting in the grimy light of the torch. Sobbing, the growlithe wriggled feebly, the blood dribbling across its face and congealing over its eyes and mouth. It was drowning in its own blood. The man grinned, lifting his arm back and bringing the scarlet bundle forwards with another blood curdling scream. Again. And again. He had no mercy, beating the Growlithe on the wall until it cried no more, the spark of life leaving its eyes.

The most powerful, impactful scene in the story, IMO. I remember the first time I read that – it was an “Oh, my God…” moment then, and it still is. ^^

Grinning he raised his blood stained muzzle and threw his head back, howling his triumph, weaving a chilling song that spoke of the glories of life and death, echoing hollowly around the room.

Another severely cool line. I especially like the part I bolded there.

He could feel the mightyenas racing pulse on his tongue, its salty sweat mixing with his saliva.

Mmmm. Very savage and satisfying description.


Boss work, this. Kudos!

IceKing said:
Though Lions are more associated with killing gazelles. Or Fire Trucks

The ambulances will have to wait their turn. ^^
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Sike! *smooshes in big hug*

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked how I went inot Gannis feelings, I added that part later after deciding that it was missing something... *feels better*

XD I like that little scene to. Poor wittle growlithe... ;_; My first ever attempt at that sort of scene, so I'm very happy it turned out well. :)

Grinning he raised his blood stained muzzle and threw his head back, howling his triumph, weaving a chilling song that spoke of the glories of life and death, echoing hollowly around the room.


Another severely cool line. I especially like the part I bolded there.

XD A little bit of my one shot experiments, the final dance, coming out there. I'm glad it fit in with the story. :)

Thankies again for reviewing, Sike! *hugs again*
 

Delphina

^^I'm with stupid^^
WOW. amazing KK! You are really good at horror! I feel sorry for Growlithe though *collapses in a heap crying!*
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
Thanks Del! *hugs* I'm glad you liked it. :)

How you getting on with the forum? Enjoying it?
 

Delphina

^^I'm with stupid^^
yeah kindof! still a bit new and confused! I can't figure out the whole banner-signature and PM thing which is why I'm talking to you here but oh well! maybe you can show me when we get back to school!
How's your Bunny King Of Doom story coming along? Have you started it? And was it you doing the War of the Worlds spoof or EJ? *Falls over in confusion*
hope ur all ok - *hugs KK and EJ*
 
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Delphina

^^I'm with stupid^^
[SPOIL]Does your signature mean you won't be in school next week?[/SPOIL]
[SPOIL]ps i like these spoil things[/SPOIL]
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
Nah, just won't be posting here for a while. :) So I don't get to hooked... But I am failing miserably. XD

Spoils are cool, aren't they? XD

Siggy... to get an image in your siggy, put

[*img]put url here[/img*]

Without the stars. :) To PM someone, click on their name. (Such as mine) A drop down thing will appear, and you click the 'send a private message to ______'

It is pretty straight forward from there, although you have to remember to type a title, or it won't let you send it. It doesn't matter what, you just need a title. :)

That is the basics, but you can center a banner by putting [*center] at the beginning and [/center*] at the end, again without the stars. :)

Yeppers, I'm writing the evil bunny king of doom. >=) I'm getting there, I'm on four pages, but I am a little worried about the beginning, Ej thought it was a little choppy... Ah well. Nearly done. :)
 

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
This is long... o.o;; Hope it doesn't suck!

----

twittering with the excitement.

'The' excitement from what? Of what? Using a definite article ('the,' as opposed to indefinite articles 'a' or 'an') implies that we should know where the excitement comes from, or at least makes us think you'll continue on and tell us what kind of excitement it was.


I should probably warn you now that overly-wordy prose isn't really my thing. I don't see exactly how it benefits a story, and I more often than not find myself saying, "Jolly, but move on with the fic now, plzthx." I won't harp it any further, but it may cause a lack of interest or accuracy on my part. That's a disclaimer, I guess.


A crashing sound, a black shadow stumbled by, tripping over its own feet in its hurry to escape.

Why do you switch from present progressive (-ing verbs) to past tense? Keep the same tense within a sentence, especially one constructed like this, or you run into grammar problems like so. Change 'stumbled' to 'stumbling.'


Alright, I lied. I'm going to harp overwordy prose some more. Generally, when you start to get into horrifically uncommon words that force me to open a new window and head over to dictionary.com because context clues aren't enough for me to be sure of the meaning, you have a problem. When I have to keep checking definitions, I start to lsoe my place and lose the feeling of the story. Granted, most people probably don't care enough to go find out the meaning of words they don't know, but for the few of us that try, it's not a reader-friendly thing.

Also, joy. An unbreon. Ain't seem one o' thems before. -.o''

Coiling shaking muscles he leapt free and was off again

Hm, the meaning of this is sort of unclear. It it means what I think it does, you need to add a 'his' between coiling and shaking, and probably should put a comme after muscles.

A twisting tendril of fog oozed behind him,

Ah, my other favorite problem we run into with thesaurus-heavy prose. This one isn't as definite a thing, but usually you get a lot of word misuse. The problem here is that fog can't really 'ooze.' To ooze implies a thick, steady, slow flow of a rather concrete substance, usually somethign dirty or grimy (in fact, the noun 'ooze' is synonymous with 'slime'). Fog, being nothing more than a sheet of water vapor, doesn't have the consistancy or gross quality to really be able to ooze. A thesaurus usually gives you words with similar meanings, but often the words are *not* interchangable.

her serene gaze casting the woods a ghostly hue.

Does the 'her' refer to the moon or the fog?

A break in the leaves, soft moonlight spiked down, sliding in crystal shards off the bowed leaves to smash silently on the ground.

Why do you keep structuring sentences like this? Not only do youo randomly change tenses, but even if you didn't you'd still have a sentence fragment. The best way to salvage it, methinks, is to throw in 'and' after the first comma, but even then it wouldn't be golden.

He lunged forward, light blazing off silver stripes that lay across the broad expanse of his back, flashing briefly before falling once more to the dew encrusted grass.

What? There's some form of comma abuse in there, but I'm not even sure what it is. Do reword.

He had the slim figure of a greyhound, paws pattering on the leaf-strewn floor.

I'm not sure how these two clauses are related. The first half is totally random.

it fed upon his fear, pushing him into madness.

What is 'it'?

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

I just now noticed the repition of this. ...dare I say that such repitition is lost when paragraphs are a mile long? Nah, I don't think I'll mention it. I'm already a liar 3 times over.

A distant rustling, they were coming closer.

I'd make this a colon, not a comma.

Wishing for them to leave. Begging them.

Please, type two or three more words, throw in a comma or two, and make this one complete sentence. IMO, the 'fragment for effect' thing if often less effective than a proper sentence.

The sound of heavy footsteps trailing towards him, filling him with dread.

There's that weird syntax again. Just so I understand, what are you hoping it will accomplish? Why present progressive as opposed to past of even present? Why no complete sentences? Without that, it's just blatantly grammatically incorrect.

Arrogant steps, filled with confidence, knowing its prey was helpless, coming slowly towards his hiding place.

Is adding 'They were' to the beginning of this sentence so hard?

He waited with baited breath.

Does 'he' refer to the hunter, or the hunted?

The pronouns are slowly but surely losing me.

Oh, I just pciked them up again.

Hm, why do you offset the flashback with asterisks? It seems weird. You've already told us that wer'e flashing back. They just seem unnecessary, and sort of jar the flow a tad, IMO.

He was hungry. So hungry.

Replace the first period with an ellipses.

How could he think he could rule me! Alas, I cannot reach him. Cannot go near him. He is high, to high for me to jump, no matter how much I try.

I'm not sure why you don't offset this with a 'he thought' or un-italicise it. As simply a continuing of the narration, it's very weird sounding. Basically, all you're doing is changing person mid-paragraph. Not good.

“Ganni’s a feisty one, isn’t he?” His jailer remarked.

Rawr. 'His' should not be capatalised. The rules work as such:

"Hello there," he said.

"Hello? (or ! or . )" His voice fluctuated as he said this...

When the text after the dialogue beings a new sentence, then the fist word is caps'd. Otherwise, if it's an variation of the first example, lowercase. That was a crappy explanation. Sorry.

A spark of light, Ganni pressed his nose against the bars of the cage.

'And' after the comma.

An echoing passage way led to the outside world, he was placed against the cavernous opening.

Huh, two more totally unrelated clauses. And again, one of them it toally unrelated to anything else going on. You choose the weirdest sentence structure.

But he could not get out.

Why not connect this with the second half of the previous sentence? Then you avoid to grammatical faux paus in one fell swoop.

No matter how hard he tried.

Fragment (consider revising).

A single torch was placed on a far wall; a silhouetted figure raised a strange device with flames erupting from the top.

When you connect two clauses, *especially* with semicolons, they must be closely related.

He had to escape, had to get out of this blasted cage!

The man laughed, raising the fire device and lighting a strange stick that was clamped tightly in those weak jaws.

In what jaws? Ganni's? You never mentioned a stick.

He’s defenceless. In a couple of seconds he will be a pile of smouldering ash. A warning to all humans not to mess with me.

Why do you un-italicise the text here and not up there? Consistency is a virtue.

A translucent barrier

If it was translucent, it was not invisible. You cannot clearly see through something translucent.

He could not touch his tormentor, not without going through this wall.

WTF? Didn't he just set the dude on fire and send him fleeing into the force field?

The Human

Typo.

pig like face

Pig-like should be hyphenated.


Just as an FYI, I an extremely confused as to what's going on right now. So he's in this place, and the guy comes down and lights a torch, except he lights a stick in someone's mouth, so Ganni spits a fireball at him and he goes crazy burning, but then he's okay because oh! Ganni can't hit him, and he comes over having caught the fireball, which is now a little creature? What?

whimpered, it was silenced with a harsh kick.

Here is a place where a semicolon is a better choice than a comma.


I always find it amusing how, on good ol' SPPF, horror = gore. You cannot have horror without some kind of dead corpse bleeding profusely. I miss good old-fanshion suspense thriller stories.


He had no mercy, beating the Growlithe on the wall until it cried no more, the spark of life leaving its eyes.

It took an awful long time for it to die. I do have to think that it would have gone unconcious long before finally being killed, seeing as it was being smashed against a wall. o_O;;

Growlithes empty eyes

Growlithe's. Posession.


I'm getting sort of bored now. You keep leading on us, promising that something might happen one say, but it just isn't. First he runs for five paragraphs, then he is threatened violently for ten. Get to the action. let's finish this. Chopchop.

metallic tang of blood

You're saying blood smells like metal? I beg to differ. o_O;;

edge, he pushed it aside with difficulty, shuddering.

This first comma would be better as a period or semicolon.

The sound of brisk movement, a

'And' after the comma.

Alright. You and dependant clauses obviously don't get along so well. When you are connecting a dependant clause-- that is, an incomplete sentence-- to something, you need to throw a conjunction (and, or, but, nor, etc.) in.


Geez, this is long. When will something happen?


---

In any case, I'm being violently forced of the computer now (oh, violence! horror!). I'll finish up tomorrow. But so far...


You sentence structure isn't too hot. In a lot of places, it's quite poor (and on the contrary, it also suprises you every now and then and is pretty good). All in all, though, you seem to have a dislike for complete sentences, and are having some trouble connecting clauses properly. This leaves a reader very confused.

The prose otherwise is actually not that bad after the first two or three paragraphs where you descrive the same thing in four different ways. Other than that, it's rather enjoyable.

The worst part is that I am very far into this fic and absolutely nothing is happening. That wouldn't be so bad if you weren't telling us the same things over and over and over. For how many paragraphs is he going to be cowering in his cage? Is that really interesting to write?

Well, here's to your climax (if it comes) being damn good. And here's to potential. You sound like you know what you're doing... at least, a lot more than most of the people here.

'Til tomorrow.

edit:

... my compliments are pretty backhanded, aren't they?


Contuation...

Alrighty.

---

He was hungry. So hungry.

Ellipses, not period.

He raised his head, wincing as his head pounded.

'...wincing as *it* pounded.' would probably be better.

He blnked and got

Typo.

His weariness seemed to fall away

You just told us this twice. Why again?

reveal razor sharp blades.

Hyphenate 'razor-sharp.'


I don't really understand why all of the sudden he's a savage beast. He's been cowering half-dead for three pages now, and you don't give any reason for the transformation other than a change of scenery. And it's not like he's being attacked. Animals generally won't attack something that won't threaten them like that. Logically, he'd leave it alone and scout the place for a way out. He *could* just be hungry, so he attacked it, but you never even attempt to mention that, and this is more of a drunken rage than a hunt-type attack. Not to mention that birds don't have a lot of meat on them anyway.


presence of another, entering
Take out this comma. Not sure why you put it here. Typo?

Adrenalin continued to pump through out his body,

Why? The stuff is pretty short-lived, and it had done its job-- given him enough energy to randomly kill the pidgey. You'd think now reality would set back in and he'd collapse.

There was something out there; something hidden in the shadows by the gate.

No, a semicolon must connect two complete sentences. Add 'there was' to the beginning of the second clause and you shoud be fine.


Oh, and BTW, I know I stand corrected in that it's not an umbreon.


You like the word 'maw,' don't you? xD Just an observation. It's a good word.

He gritted his teeth and twisted his head, lunging for the Mightyenas paw. It shrieked, releasing its grasp and slipping to the ground, limping away.

So, Ganni hasn't been fed in x amount of days, is riding the bad end of a pointless adrenaline rush (that should have come against the mightyena, not the pidgey that couldn't hurt him anyway, BTW), has his side ripped open, his neck punctured several times, and he is still thrashing about and putting up a fight. But, as soon as he bites the mightyena's foot, the creature is tormented by pain and retreats. Right.


The words 'bleeding to death,' are coming to mind here. Why is Ganni not dead yet?

He grinned wickedly, enjoying the feeling. Power. Ultimate power.

I don't know, that's a very human sentiment. Of course, pokemon are generally more sentinent than regular animals, but the feeling of the stronger creature is generally more along the lines of 'I am stronger, I shall lead now,' then 'I get to rule the world now.'

With a savage growl he ripped his head backwards, tearing out the Mightyena's throat.

Alright, I know it's all for imagery and effect at this point, but I still find myself asking 'Why?' if it's already very dead. And I still want to know how Ganni is parading around like he doesn't have a scratch on him.

He backed the man into the corner, the look of sheer terror on the mans face when he discovered he was trapped sending another shiver of pleasure down his spine.

This sentence edges on run-on, but I'm not really sure if there's a place where you could split it or add a comma for clairty. Sorry. -.-''

Adrenaline rushed through his veins, causing his body to tingle pleasantly.

It's over. He's bled to death. Face it.

His eyes widened as he realised what he had done: He had killed a human. There was no return from that.

Yes, how awful. He killed the evil human. Never mind the innocent pidgey and mightyena that were in the same boat as he. He killed his torturer, and for that he must pay. >.<;;

gob smacked

Hyphens, dear.


---
Ooooh, the analysis...

You know, I think my favorite part of the flashback was how you managed to talk about nothign forever and didn't give us even the slightest hint as to how Ganni had escaped from the place and been pursued. You tell us why, but I still want to know why he didn't bleed to death and why no one shot him after he'd killed the man. They'd had no problem holding onto the obviously lunatic animal before. Why could he escape now? Why did he feel the need to run? Why wasn't he still riding that ridiculous adrenalin rush?

I don't know, I feel sort of let down. We knew he was going to die in the beginning, then you go through this whole ellaborate thing about why he was going to die, then you kill him. Where's the moral? The closure? The point? Even horror and gore need those to be complete. A shot story (IE, one-shot), is arguably the hardest thing to write because you need to be able to lace something that matters into something so short. Which, honestly, is why I don't write them. I don't think I can do it. I feel bad about making people come up empty because I hate the feeling. How can you go on forever about the same thing (or nothing, in some cases) and not get bored writing it? Are we supposed to take something out of that?

You also lapsed out of logic at the end there. I pointed out all of the things that didn't make sense above, but I feel like I need to reiterate it. It's also important to remeber that pokemon are not little mini-humans who will react like us to everything. Rules of the animal kingdom apply to them. Also, mortal beings are suprisingly weak. It doesn't take very long at all for someone or something to bleed to death.

As far as grammar goes, you consistantly had trouble with syntax, sentence structure. I pointed all of them out above, and usually it was the same two or three types of mistake, which in a way is good, because when you keep doing the same thing wrong it's easy to fix. You also had one or two typos and need to remeber that hyphens are your friends.

One of the big redeeming parts to this was that despite everything, it still managed to be enjoyable to read. Granted, nothing ever really happened (or, when thigns were, nothing of logic or importance), but your prose even with the weird syntax was still quite good, which is a nice break for me. It managed to keep me out of WHY am I still reading this??-land, even through the very slow and annoying first paragraphs. Be proud. I don't have the greatest attention span ever.

In fact, though, the pleasantness of the read is rather distracting. I'm just a bit of a lunatic; an average reader probably wouldn't notice some of the logic lapses and most of the grammar mistakes I pointed out. And even so, the nifty wording makes me want to give this a higher rating, simply because the prose just didn't suck. There isn't much not-sucky prose here. It outweighed a lot of the rather bad stuff.

I'm not really sure what my conclusion is, though. 'I disliked the fic because it was boring, logic-defying and nothing happened, but it was great because it was still enjoyable to read because you actually knew what you were doing and have great potential,' is sort of paradoxical, but sums it up, I guess.

Nonetheless, keep working at it. You do seem to be one of the better writers here.

:)
 
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Hahahabvc87

Always watching...
I think my stomach just churned... :X

Those were wonderfully horrifying descriptions of the death scenes, all 4 of them. Since I have had gory nightmares before, reading this kinda brought them back...

The sentences were a tad confusing, and I found myself reading whole paragraphs over again to catch the exact meaning within. However, the enigmatic style of writing really does bring out the drama of the scenes, magnifying the already terrific descriptions.

For a first-time horror writer, this is incredibly good! *gives 5-tier cake* Darn those monostars! I hope to read creations of similar quality in the future!

Now, please excuse me while I search for a toilet... *runs off*
 
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