The Un - Forgettable Journey!

[Silent Conversation]

Here is a fan - fic that I decided to post on the SPPF. Hope you like it!

The Un – Forgettable Journey!​

Prologue: The Pool to a New World

Splash! Splash! The water from my deep, blue pool splashed all over the place after me, John, dived into the warm, clear water.

“Another perfect day!” I said to myself. It was a perfect day. It was a very sunny day and nothing had gone bad. But today was a very normal day.

Yes, today was normal. You see, usually I go wandering off somewhere and that leads to an adventure. Like one time, when I went to the grocery store with my mom, I got lost. I then met up with the store owner and he showed me secret areas of the store. And if you thought that was exciting, then you wouldn’t be able to handle the excitement of some of my other adventures.

So, my friends, that’s why I say that it is a normal day. Today nothing strange had happened, and to tell you the truth, I was pretty bored (and believe me; I was usually never bored). I thought that today was going to end as a boring day. But no; the adventure I was going to go on was going to be one that I would never forget.

“Jonathan, get out of the pool, you’ve been in there for more than an hour” called my mother,
“Coming, mom!” I said to my mom. As I wrapped my green and black towel around my body, I thought: It’s actually pretty strange that nothing exciting has happened.

A few hours later, I was at the dinner table with my mom, dad, and 14 year old sister. Today for dinner was chicken and rice. It tasted absolutely delicious!

“Mom, dad, I’m going to the movies with Kevin” my sister said to my mom and dad.
“Your boyfriend” I teased.
“Shut up!” my sister ordered, as she opened the white door of our large house and drove off in her small, blue car.

For some reason, I just felt like swimming, so I through out the leftover food on my plate without my mom and dad noticing.
“Mom, dad, I’ve finished eating” I lied. “Can I go swimming?”
“Fine” replied my father. I then got into my yellow swimsuit with black polka – dots, took off my multi – coloured shirt, went outside, and dived into the pool.

“If you could swim at school, I wouldn’t mind going” I said to myself. You see, like most kids, I hated school.

I then dived underwater and started swimming at the bottom of the pool. I was a very good swimmer.

And then I saw it. The thing that would change my life forever. I saw this small, brown door at the bottom of the pool. I was curious to know what it was, so I opened the door and swam inside.

Then, I started falling! When, I hit the ground, I looked around. There was no water; just land.

I got up and looked around. I was in a village. It saw a very small village with small houses. But in the distance, I could see a bigger house. It didn’t really look like a house. It looked like a little laboratory.

Suddenly, I felt a hand pick me up from the ground and I then saw a man.
“Welcome to Pallet Town!” greeted the man.

 

[Silent Conversation]

here is chapter 1

Chapter 1: John, the Pokemon Trainer

“Excuse me; what did you call this place?” I asked the man.

The man was pretty tall with brown hair, a small brown beard and a white lab coat.

“Pallet Town! This is the place where all pokemon trainers start off on their journeys” explained the man.
“Pokemon?” I asked the man. “What are pokemon?”
“Come with me” said the man.

The man and I started walking to that lab that I saw earlier. When I got closer to the lab, I saw that it was a wide building with one floor. The building was brown and white and it didn’t have that many windows.

“Come inside” the man said to me. And that’s exactly what I did.

“So what are pokemon?” I asked the man once we had gotten inside the lab.
“Pokemon are creatures that you can battle with or just be friends with” explained the man.
“I see. Oh, you forgot to tell me your name” I said.
“Oh yes. My name is Professor Oak” said the man. “And you are?”
“Jonathan Julius” I said. “But you can call me John”
“Okay, John. Now, there are a few more things that I have to tell you about Pokemon” said Professor Oak.
“I’m listening” I responded.
“So I will begin” said Professor Oak.

“Once you turn 10, you become a pokemon trainer and get your first pokemon. You then have to travel around Kanto – this region – and collect badges by battling people called gym leaders. There’s one in every major town”

“Once you have collected 8 badges, you can go to the place called the Indigo Plateau where you battle trainers known as the Elite Four. If you beat the champion there, you will be known as a pokemon master”

“I understand now” I said. “And now, I really want to become a pokemon trainer. I’m 11”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place” said Professor Oak. “I’ll be right back” And he left the room.

A few seconds later, Professor Oak came back holding 3 small, red – and – white balls.

“These are called poke balls” said Professor Oak as he showed me the balls. “These are the things you put you’re pokemon in”
“Okay!” I said.
“Now you must choose a pokemon. In these balls are Bulbasaur – a grass type pokemon, Squirtle – a water type pokemon, and Charmander – a fire type pokemon. You can only pick one, so choose wisely”

I thought: Which pokemon should I have? All these pokemon would be very useful, but I can only choose one.

“Can I decide tomorrow?” I asked the professor.
“Sure!” he replied. You can sleep in the spare room”
“Okay, thanks” I said.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Heya!

Ooh, there's moments in your story that I would put down as some of the most original I've ever seen. Like the door in the bottom of the pool. There's a lot of 'character goes to the pokemon world' stories about, but this is the FIRST I've seen with a door in the bottom of a pool. Mind you, that in itself raises questions. How did it get there? When did it get there? Did it go away again? Why did it get there? These are key questions - as of yet unanswered. Though perhaps there won't be an answer? There was no explanation for why the shopkeeper showed John the 'secret areas' of his store.

Actually, that's something I think you could include more of - reasons. A lot of the things you've said in here just happen or are required to happen - but no justification or explanation for WHY is offered. For example, why didn't Oak question John more intensively about where he came from? Why didn't Oak suspect that something was wrong? Why did John accept what had happened without question?

Oh, another point that confused me - why do ten year olds HAVE to go on a pokemon journey? What happens if the they don't want to go on a journey/aren't able to? What if they don't want to make pokemon fight? What if they don't want to leave home alone? What if their parents don't want to send them out alone? Sorry - I'm probably nitpicking at the wording - but I think that Oak probably shouldn't have said 'have to'. Perhaps 'can' would have been more appropriate?

Come to think of it, why did Oak give John pokemon? Oak knew John didn't even know what pokemon were until that conversation - surely that's not the sort of person to trust with the care and raising of a pokemon? With kids who grew up with pokemon, it's more understandable that they'd be allowed to handle the creatures... but John has no clue how to survive in that world, let alone care for another creature. IMO, it's very irresponsible of Oak to even allow John near pokemon, let alone give him one of his own.

On the other hand, I'm very impressed that you had John ask to decide the next day. ^^ It was mature decision and brought a healthy amount of realism back into a story so driven by ideas. Perhaps MORE moments like this would be in order? And on the topic of extending realism, how's about showing more of how your characters are feeling, moving, speaking and acting? This can help to deepen your story and characters, ground your plot and let your readers relate more easily to your characters. ^^ No need to go overboard, but doing these things can dramatically improve the degree to which your readers understand and enjoy what you write.

Anyway, I hope this has helped and that you will put this fantastic beginning to good use! If you want anything else commented on/critiqued or if you want anything in this review expanded upon/explained, let me know! Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[BirthdayPirate]

(The Un - Forgettable Journey!) Review

Characters: 12.5/25

John seems to have many traits in common with the anime characters: ridiculous name, relatively flat personality, and simple quirks. While it's definitely too early in the story to really decide how complex of a character he is, he seems at this point to be a simple copy of Ash, only slightly altered and from the real world. Most people would tell you to add flaws, but I say nay. Yes, he needs flaws, but he also needs things that he excels at. It takes a while to create a three dimensional character (my last really good character had fifty pages of information on him), but you can do it with relative ease if you just follow your gut; pretend like he's someone you know, and rather than deciding what he's going to do next, predict his actions. There is a difference, if you think about it.

Plot: 15/25

Again, seems to be the anime with the real world added in. I look the whole "Alice in Wonderland" feel, but you still have believability issues. Why isn't he questioning what is going on? I can understand if it's because he goes on so many similar adventures, but you haven't really made that entirely clear to the reader. Other than that, it seems like a standard journey plot, which is perfectly okay, as long as it is executed correctly.

Setting: 13/25

Standard canon setting, except under your pool. Not much to say about it, really. I personally dislike the Kanto region a bit, but it's completely your choice.

X-Factor: 17/25

The X-Factor in this fic is most definitely the real-world-to-Pokemon-world transition. I thought it was handled nicely, although it all just seemed so... incidental, like he found a lucky penny or something. Try to up the awe and curiosity in the future, if you'd like.

Grammar and Spelling: 10/20

Very mehish. Use Microsoft Word and it's spellcheck, and make sure you press enter twice every time someone speaks. Not as bad as some people, but definitely bad enough to be distracting.

Title: 5/10

Totally average. Not particularly bad, or particularly good, either. Just meh.

Dialogue: 6/15

I actually thought the dialogue was handled very poorly. See my comments in the grammar and avoidance sections for more info.

Avoidance: 13/20

The avoidance category involves avoiding falling into the stupid traps that the people on this board are so fond of. You did an okay job, completely ignoring all the hype around avoiding cliches, which is great in my book. Points were taken off for two reasons: one, you described things when you didn't need to. Did we really need to know the exact color and pattern of is swimsuit or the size of his sister's car? I am decidedly anti-description, but I did feel that Pallet Town was underdescribed, at least for the amazing wonderland that it was supposed to be. Two, you used saidisms. Remember, you don't have to use different words every time someone talks; said does just fine.

Opening: 6/10

It would have been fairly decent, but it contained one of the worst moments of overdescription in the whole story. Dude, we already know what water looks like, you don't have to describe it for us. Other than that, it was actually quite good.

Follow: 13/15

"Follow" is judged by how much I want to keep reading. You actually did a fairly good job with this; I liked your cliffhanger. I generally don't gripe about length, but it feels like you're cutting your chapters short. Length is really up to you, though.

Literary Devices: 4/10

This section is more of a bonus for really, really, really good writers, so don't sweat it. I gave you extra points for the Alice reference, and since I believe the swimming pool thing will have a place later...

Total: 114/200

Range: 101-150 - You have definite potential. Brush up on your skills here.