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The Unforgettable Journey.

LAWLZ FUNNY MAN

Pokemon Trainer
AAAAAAHHHH!!! Krisi woke up startled. A Pidgey was pecking at his window. Krisi got up and went downstairs. Once he got downstairs, he was surprised by a big Banner that read "Congrats, Future Champion!" Krisi was befuddled. What future champion? Suddenly a big "Surprise" was yelled out by people. Krisi was so scared he fell back on his head and was unconscious. When he woke up, he was in the Pokemon Center but at the special place for humans, which wasn't used much. Professor Oak was there along with Krisi's mom, Daniela. His mom stepped forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Professor Oak was watching him with curious, but firm eyes. They have seen everything, sadness, happiness, confusion, jealousy, everything. "Now young man, I heard from your mother that you wanted a pokemon, is that true?" Krisi nearly fell from the bed. " Yes sir, please!" Oak's turned from firmness, to sadness. " Well, I'm sorry to inform you but there are no pokemon left for you." Krisi was a mature boy. "That's okay, I guess." Oak patted Krisi on the back. "But, my your mother has informed me that you are and athletic, and smart young man." Oak grabbed ten poke balls and handed them to Krisi. " I'm allowing you to go and catch your own pokemon." Krisi was so ecstatic he grabbed them, a shiny red pokedex, and skipped out the door. As he was running he accidentally wasn't paying attention and tripped which led to him dropping one of his poke balls and it landed next to a Caterpie. Krisi stood in horror as the Caterpie waltzed over and captured itself.Thus concluding the mystery of Krisi's first pokemon.


When he sent out Caterpie it turned around and used string shot on Krisi. As both Krisi and Kooni ( Caterpie's name) traversed through Viridian Forest, they encountered a Pidgey. It turns out that it was hungry so it ate Caterpie. Krisi was pretty happy so he caught it in one poke ball. Krisi continued through Viridian Forest, it was basically just G3 (Pidgey) beating up Bug Types. As Krisi walked into Pewter City he was greeted by an Onix and it's trainer battling a Charmander. Onix hadn't broken a sweat while Charmander was bleeding and panting everywhere. Onix's trainer called out for a Rock Slide and Charmander was knocked out. Krisi watched as the Charmander got up and ran into the woods. The trainer called Onix back and walked away. Krisi followed Charmander. He found a rock house and the Charmander in it. It got up and fired an Ember attack. Krisi reacted quickly and sent out Pidgey. After all of the training with the Bug Types, G3 was a flying monster. He quickly demolished Charmander's home and sent Charmander flying with just one Gust Attack. Krisi and G3 followed. They found Charmander dizzy and wobbly, so Krisi jut popped a poke ball on his head. He decided to call him " Lizardon". Friday morning Krisi got up and sent out his pokemon. Krisi new that Brock would use his famous Geodude and Onix so he decided to spend the whole day training.

First they ran, or in G3's case flew 20 laps around Pewter City. G3 kept the lead the whole time while Krisi. Lizardon, and Kooni were right behind. Then they worked on their muscles by doing push-ups and sit-ups the rest of the day. Without anyone noticing, a Mankey was spying on them. It decided that Krisi's gym battle was going to have an unexpected visitor. In the morning Krisi decided to do one last move check. " Lizardon, use Flamethrower on the discs that I throw!" Three flying Dics soared into the sky. Lizardon didn't even break a sweat destroying all three discs. then They practiced on Eveyone else's moves. Finally Krisi healed everyone up at the Pokemon Center and went upstairs to bed. Mankey climbed into Krisi's room through the window and went inside his backpack. It grabbed a pokball and captured itself. While Kris was dreaming of his shiny new gym badge that he was going to win in the morning.



Leave comments and suggestions! Also Krisi's team is Charmander with tackle, metal claw, flamethrower, and ember. Pidgey has gust, tackle, sand attack, and growl. Caterpie has tackle and string shot.
 
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Dragonfree

Just me
Please read the Fan Fiction forum's rules; this is impossible to read, since it's one huge block paragraph.

Proper paragraphing means that you press enter twice when you switch to a new topic or when a new character starts speaking - like how the first paragraph of this post is telling you to read the rules and this paragraph shifts to the topic of explaining how paragraphing works. Without paragraphing, reading your work is a headache, as if somebody is speaking really fast and going from one thing to another without warning.

Additionally, this is too short. A chapter should be at least two pages according to the rules.
 

Quilava42

Blazing Flowers
In addition, your grammar is off. I mean, you're rushing a lot and you should slow down with this. You have potential, but I'm just listing my opinion. Now, here's what I noticed:

AAAAAAHHHH!!! Krisi woke up startled. A Pidgey was pecking at his window. Krisi got up and went downstairs. Once he got downstairs, he was surprised by a big Banner that read "Congrats, Future Champion!" Krisi was befuddled. What future champion? Suddenly a big "Surprise" was yelled out by people. Krisi was so scared he fell back on his head and was unconscious.

You're lacking detail on what's happening. And you're saying things too fast and you should slow down. So what if he gets shocked? I don't have a feel in this and you are the writer. Try to let his thoughts extend or let us readers know how he seems to feel. Just saying "He was surprised by a big banner that said "Congratulations, Future Champion" and his reaction by the thing I quoted....

Also, you say "Krisi" a lot. Say "he" when it's necessary. Also, if he's a Boy, then why is his name Krisi...... Think of a better name rather than that if you want to. And is it necessary to capitalize Banner?

When he woke up, he was in the Pokemon Center but at the special place for humans, which wasn't used much. Professor Oak was there along with Krisi's mom, Daniela. His mom stepped forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Professor Oak was watching him with curious, but firm eyes. They have seen everything, sadness, happiness, confusion, jealousy, everything. "Now young man, I heard from your mother that you wanted a pokemon, is that true?" Krisi nearly fell from the bed. " Yes sir, please!" Oak's turned from firmness, to sadness. " Well, I'm sorry to inform you but there are no pokemon left for you." Krisi was a mature boy. "That's okay, I guess." Oak patted Krisi on the back. "But, my your mother has informed me that you are and athletic, and smart young man."

Yes, we all know they're for humans. But why not a hospital? I mean, this is for Pokemon, right? Another lack of emotion in this. The next one which showed numerous emotions, you could have loosen it up, as in saying that they seen his troubled face, like they know that he's confused and scared by saying things like that. And why space out the quotation marks? Also, when you type dialogue, they're talking. Space it out from what's happening.

And he was a mature boy? What? I didn't want to offend another one who writes like this, but this is so vague and off. I mean, it just doesn't know without description. You're telling us what's going on instead of showing us. The last one, it's a comma splice. There should be no comma in this.

Oak grabbed ten poke balls and handed them to Krisi. " I'm allowing you to go and catch your own pokemon." Krisi was so ecstatic he grabbed them, a shiny red pokedex, and skipped out the door. As he was running he accidentally wasn't paying attention and tripped which led to him dropping one of his poke balls and it landed next to a Caterpie. Krisi stood in horror as the Caterpie waltzed over and captured itself.I need a space here.Thus concluding the mystery of Krisi's first pokemon.


Ok, again, do not space the quotations. And I see that there's an extra one? o-o And the red one I did, it's just weird when you say it. And the next one I bolded is too long for a sentence and you forgot a comma where you said,

As he was running he accidentally wasn't paying attention and tripped which led to him dropping one of his poke balls and it landed next to a Caterpie.

The next one I bolded, you forgot to space out the thing. Wait. In the sentence, you said that Pidgey ate Caterpie. But at the end, he's still alive? How? And your final paragraph is unnecessary. This is a major spoiler to what moves they know.


When he sent out Caterpie it turned around and used string shot on Krisi. As both Krisi and Kooni ( Caterpie's name) traversed through Viridian Forest, they encountered a Pidgey. It turns out that it was hungry so it ate Caterpie. Krisi was pretty happy so he caught it in one poke ball. Krisi continued through Viridian Forest, it was basically just G3 (Pidgey) beating up Bug Types.

You're lacking explanation in your story. And since when did he catch and named Caterpie "Kooni"? Another lack of emotion. I mean, why is he happy for Pidgey eating a live Pokemon? I mean, what? If he saw that gruesome scene right before his eyes, he could've fainted like before. And you're rushing.

As Krisi walked into Pewter City he was greeted by an Onix and it's trainer battling a Charmander. Onix hadn't broken a sweat while Charmander was bleeding and panting everywhere. Onix's trainer called out for a Rock Slide and Charmander was knocked out. Krisi watched as the Charmander got up and ran into the woods. The trainer called Onix back and walked away. Krisi followed Charmander. He found a rock house and the Charmander in it. It got up and fired an Ember attack. Krisi reacted quickly and sent out Pidgey.


Your actions are too short. And the first thing I bolded, you once again forgot to put a comma between City and he. And when he was hit by a Rock Slide, it's just not well explained. He fainted? You're saying things a lot.

Just show us how it was like just saying, Charmander was knocked out, or It got up and fired an Ember attack. That's not well explained. He got up, and ran into the woods. That's how you say it? Really? I don't want to sound rude, but you need serious improvements in this story and it's hard to keep up with it. And where's the trainer who's controlling Onix? It seems as if Onix is running the gym. Pokemon can't do that without a human trainer.

I'll stop quoting things, because I don't have to repeat the same things. Your sentences are too short and bland. Everything is happening too fast and you should have took your time to review and fix your mistakes. Krisi seems incredibly flat as a character and I don't see on how I should care of him if he isn't showing any real emotions despite pride there. What are his struggles?

I didn't want to sound rude, but you need to revamp this story, a lot of it, and we'll see. Your spelling is almost perfect, but your sentences on the other hand, are the problem. Everything is said weirdly and paced and it seems...... horrible at least, even by the length. Your paragraphs are too long and should be separated.

And regarding of your title and how this whole story is explained, I just don't see how it's memorable. It seems, nothing to me at least. I can't grasp on what's important for him. His goals, how he feels, things like that. This whole story is just...... boring. If you want this story to be good and well written, I suggest practicing and learning from tutorials, and others.

It helps if you just think about how this story goes. I was like you, until I like took my time to write chapters and get an idea.
 
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