The Uprising

[Smile Guy]

The Uprising​

RATING: I'm not aware of the American system, but I genuinely think there is nothing bad in this thread. PG, perhaps?

Well, my other fics proved to be full of Unoriginality, about window cleaners or were just too weird for people to pick up, so I've taken my time instead to start to write a good ol' fasioned adventure fic. The whole plot is fully worked out (I'm actually quite impressed with the idea I've come up with) so hopefully I won't hit any dead-ends. In fact, the only way this will stop is if I get lack of interest which is unlikely as I'm posting it on Fanfiction as well! YAAY! ......... So, enjoy!

BLURB
Matt would have been an ordinary boy, until his life is turned upside down when he breaks his back and is rendered paralyzed. Then Kate turns up and once again, his life is thrust upside down... But it doesn't end up the right way up. Matt is chucked into an illegal criminal group that is working against the goverment. What happens next, and what Matt discovered will make this story the most talked about story for a long time to come...

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION
BLURB
CONTENTS
Chapter 1 - [post=2970643]The Girl and Her Linoone[/post]
Chapter 2 - [post=2972416]Cleansed[/post]
Chapter 3 - [post=2989699]Gold and Grass and Grey Sand[/post]
Chapter 4 - [post=2993929]Headline News[/post]
[post=2997759]The Article[/post]
Chapter 5 - [post=3011104]Kate's Weakness[/post]
Chapter 6 - [post=3052715]The Uprising[/post]
Chapter 6 (Part 2) - [post=3116368]The Uprising[/post]
Chapter 7 - [spoil]Mission 100[/spoil]
BLURB


Chapter 1 - The Girl and Her Linoone

Odd, how things happen really…

Three years ago I had had all the aspirations to be an adventurer, to travel the four corners of the world, to witness wonders that no one before me had ever witnessed. And to become a pokémon trainer, to win the pokémon league, to catch all the pokémon in the world, to have legions of memorable friends.

Now, I lay flat on my back, in my bedroom with no chance of anything like that ever happening. I had a broken back. I was paralysed.

To be exact I was lying on my bed in my bedroom. No longer was my room plastered with pictures and merchandise indicating an obsession with pokémon, but it was dull and drab, white-washed with the only thing of interest being the uniquely patterned curtains. They were drawn over a window which would have looked out over the valley that Pallet Town lay in, but, the view had practically tortured me and I had requested for them to be drawn. I wasn’t under my bed clothes, merely on them -- when I was under them that meant it was time for me to sleep. I felt something brush my feet at the bottom of the bed and wished to know end that I could just peer down and see what it was.

My name was Matthew and I was fifteen. I had light brown hair which used to be very springy, but now, in accordance to my affliction it had gone limp and dry. A similar occurrence had happened in my eyes. They had been a vibrant brown and people had often commented how my eyes had been full of life… not any more. This had happened all over my body: My muscles had disappeared and I had become stick-thin -- undoubtedly I would also be very weak, if only I had the ability to prove it… I felt a tear trickle down my face.

Then I felt something brush against the side of my leg, (I had not lost feeling, merely movement) and this time I could see what it was out of the corner of my eye. A Linoone was lying next to me.

Now this was strange to me. First of all, I knew very well that neither I, nor my parents owned a Linoone. Indeed, I doubted anyone I knew had ever even seen a Linoone, given their absence in the Kanto region. I only recognised this elongated pokémon, with dark brown stripes on it’s beige coloured body was from the rare chance my mum had time to hold up a book to me so I could read -- from pictures basically.

My confusion was even greater when I heard a girl’s voice from behind me.

“Oh dear. Blimey, this can’t be right…” She had a city accent which I subconsciously made a connection to Goldenrod City in Johto (I had been there on holiday once).

“Who’s there?” I managed to mumble. I swallowed a lump in my throat which made me realise I was quite nervous.

“Robs? Was that you? I -- Oh my god…” Her voice trailed off.

“Who is that?” I asked, feeling a little stronger that she seemed equally worried about me.

“You -- you -- you can hear me?” she asked, stuttering. I grunted a ’yes’.

“But… can you see me?” she said, and then added, “Can you see Linoone?”

“I can see Linoone but, not you.” I replied, my nerves once again fully intact. She side-stepped into my view and flourished her hands in front of my face. She had long brown hair which was tied back, yet still draped down her shoulders. Her eyes were bright blue and seemed very active, as if her mind was full of thoughts that I could never dream of thinking. Her face was not round but elongated slightly and her chin was thin. She looked to be about my age, yet she had an air of maturity -- not threatening, more friendly -- around her. She cocked her head to one side.

“Well?” she asked, “Can you see me?”

“Quite clearly…” I muttered.

It was this that brought the girl to her senses. Her eyes widened, horrified and she backed away.

“Linoone!” she called and the pokémon scuttled onto her shoulder. “Oh dear,” she said, “You’re not meant to be able to see me?”

“Why?”

“Because… oh god, Clara’s gonna kill me anyway!”

“Clara?”

“Listen, umm, you stay here, yeah. Oh, who am I kidding, you can’t move and, um, we’ll get the, oh dear… Um… yes, yes, we’ll…” Her voice trailed off and she put her index finger to her ear.

“What is it?” she hissed, slightly violently, startling me. Her attitude had changed vigorously.

“Listen mate, you don’t scare me… I… oh…” She let the ’oh’ ring in the air. It was actually quite ominous.

While she listened to some sort of person in her ear, I contemplated her sanity. She seemed sane enough, perfectly under control, but she did seem, at the exact same time, to be talking nonsense. Suddenly, I was aware of something slapping me and realised I had closed my eyes. I opened them. It was the girl.

“This is no time to sleep. We have a major issue at our hands.” She fiddled with her ear some more.

“Git-head,” she groaned to herself, “He’s closed all lines of communication.” Then she turned her attention to me.

“Okay, we need to move, before it’s too late. Oh, I hope Clara’s gonna understand why I have to do this…”

“I can’t move,” I replied, helplessly.

“I know!” she said, baffled that I had said such a obvious thing. She lifted up her top slightly, and revealed six poké balls.

“I cheat,” she said, matter-of-factly, “I technically have seven pokémon if you include Linoone here,” she gestured to the ferret pokémon perched on her shoulder, who seemed to enjoy acting as this girl’s scarf.

“Anyway,” she said, “No time for chit-chat. She threw her poké ball to the ground.

“GO ABRA!” she called, then shrugged, “I only shout for the effect.” Abra was humanoid in shape, except the fact that everything seemed very disproportionate and yellow. It appeared to be asleep. “Abra?” the girl nudged the Abra, “Abra, wake up!” The Abra started, then looked around lazily, and saw it’s trainer.

“Abra can you teleport me and Matt --” Abra looked across at me, while I pondered how the girl knew my name, “-- out of here, preferably to a secluded place where no one else is around. --” The Abra looked cheeky. The girl raised her voiced, angrily “-- on this planet, not in lava and not in the middle of the ocean like last time!” The Abra thought for a second, realised that there were no flaws in what the girl had said and dully said:

“Abraaaa!”

The room around me seemed to glow a pearly white. Until it became unbearable. I felt my back shift uncomfortably and painfully as if I had been picked up and whirled around. For a fleeting second, I saw an imprint of a red face, fire-like in appearance before it was gone and all the white flashed green, then was black.

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-- By Smile Guy

 

[not_awake]

Quite unique and interesting characters. Aside from a minor error here and there (and I only really noticed the there on my read through) it's very good. Keep me posted about updates and I promise you've got yourself a regular reader. This looks to be one of the more intriguing fics I've seen in a while.

The Abra thought for a second, realised that there were no flaws in what the girl had said

I love that line. Perfect characterization.

 

[Smile Guy]

Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Cleansed

It was a dream. That was what had happened. The girl and her Linoone and that Abra, in my room: It had all been a dream. I smiled, my eyes remaining firmly closed and let myself drift into the covers of my bed, as a warm breeze blew over me.

Warm breeze. That wasn’t right. I always had my windows shut, these days.

“Oh, real smart, Abra,” came an all to familiar voice, “Transporting the bed as well! How am I gonna carry the bed around and hide it? -- Don’t fall asleep, oh you plonker of an Abra!”

Not a dream then, I thought.

I looked up and saw a clear blue sky. My eyes flicked around me (I had long since given up trying to turn my neck) and judging by the trees all around me, I guessed I was in a forest clearing. The sound of nature was all around me, and in particular, I could hear running water, somewhere to the right of me. The bed was slightly lopsided, implying it was on a slope.

“Ahh! You’re awake!” said the girl, cheerily, “I guess not moving all day make’s you really tired, huh?” I frowned.

“Sorry, that was crude of me,” she said, blushing slightly. Then her face brightened again, “We haven’t properly introduced each other, have we!”

She curtseyed, while at the same time skilfully warped Abra back into her poké ball. “Kate,” she smiled, holding out her hand, realised I couldn’t it, and disguised it by patting my hair. “Err, sorry, ’bout that,” she grinned sheepishly.

“It’s okay,” I said, but I didn’t smile, instead, I started to interrogate her. “What’s going on? Why have you taken me here? Where is here? Who were you speaking to earlier? Why were in my bedroom earlier?” The questions rushed out of my mouth in quick succession.

“Well, let’s start with ‘Where is here?’, shall we?” But Kate, instead of answering my question, whipped out an odd machine. Seeing, I was looking baffled, she mumbled: “Pokémon Encyclopaedia.”

Two minutes passed as Kate pressed random buttons and holographic images appeared in mini above the screen. I frowned; I wanted answers sometime soon. “Finally!” she cried, then continued “We appear to be in, ah, yes, that could propose a problem…”

“What?” I asked her. She ignored me, but muttered to herself “Yeah, better play it safe. Don’t want to be seen by a ranger or a warden. They’ll think we’re trespassing, or worse poaching!”

“Where are we?” I asked her again, slightly angry, that she was ignoring me like this.

“What? Oh…” She looked mildly surprised I was there, “We’re in Fuchsia City’s Safari Zone. Which is not good because --”

She was interrupted by a massive gun shot piercing the surroundings. Kate groaned. “Well that’s gonna attract every single goddamn ranger and warden in the world. God, I hate poachers! -- Y‘know, I think me and the gang should --”

But she stopped speaking abruptly, and I knew why. We stared at each other wide-eyed. The very earth was rumbling, and there was no mistaking it. What on earth could it be? The rumbling only seemed to get more and more violent. I could feel the very bed I was on shaking. Was it my imagination, or was there a dust cloud forming in the distance?”

“Run!” screeched Kate, horrified and started to sprint in the other direction before jerking herself back, realising of my, somewhat more horrific predicament. Her Linoone had taken to quiver in a nearby tree. She ran over to me and shoved my arm over her neck and hauled me out of my bed. My eyes were permanently glued on the dust cloud on the horizon. Except, of course, it wasn’t a dust cloud it was a stampede of animals. I could make out individual Rhyhorns, Donphans and other such pokémon.

While I, even if I hadn’t been paralysed, would have been paralysed in fear, Kate bravely whirled me and herself around and staggered us into the wooded area.

It was at this point when the true disaster happened.

The bed, possibly because of the tremors, slipped out from underneath itself and started tumbling down the wooded embankment, straight at Kate and I. It hit Kate and she flew forwards, crashing into a tree. I, however, with the bed building up momentum behind me, and of course my inability to move, could do nothing but tumble downwards. I was briefly aware of the first of the stampede crashing around me… Yet they all seemed to be determined to stop… --

Suddenly, I felt like my heart and stomach had shot into my mouth. I was aware of having nothing but air beneath me. I barely had time to realise what was going on -- the embankment must have come out over a cliff -- before I plunged into deep, cold water.

Gasping for air, I tried to kick my legs up.

And realised I could.

Looking down, (I could look down!), I saw my legs moving about quite easily, and I was controlling them. I tried to move my arms, and found, like my legs, I could, quite easily.
But the current was still strong enough to keep me from surfacing. Becoming increasingly desperate for air, I tried to reach up, but couldn’t. I panicked. I was not going to die, straight after recovering from paralysis!

Then a thought crossed my mind. Maybe I was already dead. Perhaps this was just a path to heaven or hell, or wherever I might be heading. Perhaps I should just let this river do whatever it wanted to me.

“NO!” I shouted at myself, though only precious bubbles rushed past my face. I’m not dead! I’m going to live! I will live! And with newfound desperation, I started to swim with all my strength upwards. But then I found myself lose consciousness. I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head. Then I hit something hard.

It was just about what was needed for me to black out.

But, before I did, a smile appeared on my face. My paralysis was gone, once and for all. I would not die, a paralysed person, as I was so sure I would. My mind flitted briefly on my parents who I realised would be so worried about me. It didn’t matter. Finally, after three years, my curse had left me. This river, or the fall, or Kate or whoever or whatever it had been had truly and utterly cleansed me.

It was at that thought, that I truly passed out.

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-- By Smile Guy

 

[Caterpie Master]

Wow, this story is awesome!! I can never make a story as good as this one!
The almost dead part is cool, I like those lines in a story. Keep up the good work!

 

[Koubagia]

Well, you reviewed Clockrow, so I thought I'd return the favour. I enjoyed this, particularly how good I felt your characters were. Anyway, here is the full review:

Plot
I'm liking what I'm hearing. Though you have not made enough progress in to comment on this very much, you have opened this flawlessly. I felt it was moving a bit quickly at times, but that is only a minor drawback. I also felt that it was a bit too short, so there hasn't been much of the plot in there yet. These are the only things stopping it getting any higher for plot.

Plot rating: 8/10


Characters
Your characters were introduced well, even after the small amount you have written, I already have a good impression of Kate and Matt's characters, not to mention the sadistic Abra, which I think is cool. I'm curious about Clara and how that character will fit with this. You introduced the characters well, by showing rather than telling, particularly with Kate. I am going to keep an eye on your fic purely because of how good your characters are.

Character rating: 9/10


Interest
This fic kept me interested throughout. I like your tendency for cliffhangers and I am intrigued as to how the plot will develop, particularly as to how this will become an adventure fic, and how you will use that. I can tell from the opening that it will be very original, despite being the most overused plot device in fanfiction.

Interest rating: 9/10


Construction
The length of the chapters is my only real issue, consider chapter 2 of my own "Clockrow" or numerous other even longer fics. The layout is very good, it is easy to read. I am not the guy to ask for grammar, so I honestly don't know about that, but I didn't spot anything huge, other than the "wished to know end" that should be "wished to no end". Spelling was flawless (I ran it through a spell-checker), except in the blurb, where paralysed and government are wrong.

Construction rating: 7/10


Overall rating: 82.5%

 

[Tale]

Smile Guy! How are you? After finding your fic I thought I'd give it a read through, and I was pleased to find it was only two chapters in - its rather hard to follow a fic thats already progressed quite a bit.

Anyway, I managed to read both at once, thanks to the convenient length of them both, and I felt compelled to review, because I found that this fic has really pulled my interest, and I without a doubt found it a fantastic read.

The whole concept for one thing is packed with originality, I can tell you that loads of people enjoy a good journey fic as long as the originality is present, and this fic achieved that originality with ease I can assure you. Having the main character paralysed, that concept in itself brings a variety of thoughts to the readers mind, questions they want answered. I myself wondered if the whole fic would progress with him paralysed all the way through, an idea that kind of put me off, as having an Abra teleport the main character within his bed everywhere sort of rules out any decent action (unless you could have doensomething about that, a thought that made me read on), and I wondered how this problem would be solved - so all in all that in itself was and is a highly successful hook.

I loved your writing style, its at a point where its easy to read, but the description is fantastic along with your vocabulary. Probably one of the best styles I've read.

Above all one of my favourite aspects of this fic is the characters, of course my favourite at the moment being Kate, a character I'm sure everyone whos read this fic has already enjoyed reading about. Her cockney/city accent (an accent I can appreciate, as I also live in England) has really built her character and I love how you've used it, my favourite line so far being where she called her Abra a 'Plonker of an Abra', I literally laughed out loud at that bit =P. So yeah, well done with that.

All in all, I say keep the standard up, as theres nothing much I can critisize. I think you could slow it down a little somehow, this reflected mainly in the length of the chapters, but yeah, try to add a bit more description or something, or dialogue perhaps, anything to stretch the chapters out a bit, and that will really build some tension and make the read more enjoyable than it already is I think.

But yeah, five stars in my opinon, mate. Great job, and I'll be sure to continually check this fic out ;D.

 

[Smile Guy]

Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Gold and Grass and Grey Sand

I lay face down in sand.

Awareness was immediate. I was alive! And…

I could move! I sat up, slowly and gingerly, and flexed my hands slowly before I pressed them into my face, rubbing my eyes and cheeks. I looked down and saw my legs. I pulled my right knee, so that it touched my chin and very carefully picked myself up. Wobbling slightly, I leant against a nearby rock and peered around.

I was on a sandy beach. Yet the sand was not white, or yellow, but grey. I suddenly became aware that I was not wearing shoes or socks and rubbed my feet gently into the sand. The feeling was incredible. I was sure I had not done such a thing for at least four years. The beach was very small and looked to be on the edge of a forest. The river, which ran in front of me, was no longer the raging torrent of the rapids up-stream, but a calm bubbling brook which merely seemed to trickle past. The sky was clear blue and the trees were in full bloom. Everything was so beautiful.

And suddenly a wave of euphoria washed over me. I could move again -- I was free. My hand lifted from the rock and I jumped away, practically dancing towards the river. I plunged my feet into the satisfyingly warm water and laughed out loud. I had actually forgotten what such a wonderful feeling movement was. All those people who took it for granted; they had no idea how lucky they were.

Whatever had happened to me, however this miracle had occurred I would never let it go again. I would never put myself into this position ever again. My heart, however, did falter slightly when I thought back to the day, the day when my paralysis had began…

But I did not linger there too long. With a leap and a bound I splashed out of the water and turned towards the forest. The call of nature had overpowered me. I felt a terrific urge to just run and run and run, to prove, that once again I was able, not handicapped, free… I ran -- no, sprinted -- into the trees, my heart and mind and soul pumping wildly.

The leaves and brunches rushed past me. Adrenaline was pounding through every vein of my body. My eyes were bright and wide open. My heart pounded atrociously. My laugh continued ominously. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had scared to death every single pokémon that had come across me.

Eventually, I came to a stop and rested against a tree. My back slid down the trunk and onto the floor. I was breathing very heavily. I think I had burst out all my energy that I had contained inside me since two and a half years ago. All that time of not being able to do anything at all. It had been a nightmare. A tear of sadness trickled down my cheek. But I shook myself. I was free from all that now.

It was as I calmed down that I noticed something very odd about the forest floor. Rather than leaves or mud, as the usual forest foliage would be, the ground had grass on it.

I raised one eyebrow. There was nothing like an odd mystery to keep yourself from getting hyper. I leant down and rubbed my hand through the grass. It felt real enough, but I couldn’t quite get the feeling out of my chest that it seemed so unnatural for grass to be on a forest floor. It was all rather odd.

Now, that I looked around, I could have almost sworn that the forest was ordered. The trees seemed to be in rows. Had they been planted by humans? But that still didn’t explain the grass.

In fact…

Could I see the end of the line of trees? Was there a glinting in the middle distance. Stepping up again (I was still slightly amazed that I could step up) I started to jog forward. As I got nearer, the glint became golden. And as I got even nearer I realised that this golden glint was actually a building. And a very incredible building at that.

It was shaped like a temple and appeared to be made of pure gold. The entrance wasn’t visible, but I assumed it was on the other side. There were odd statues placed at random around the area. They were also gold.

I was about to cry out in amazement about the oddity and perplexity of this building, when a rough hand shoved over my mouth.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” shouted a voice, violently, shaking me to my knees. It was a man.

“I was washed ashore, I -- there, I was lost in the forest, I --” My voice stuttered as violently as the man had shouted. I felt a knife press against my neck.

“How did you end up in here, then?” said the voice, although a little more calmly.

“I, just wandered in here…”

“You can’t just wander in here,” the voice was very calm now, until, “YOU MUST BE LYING!” The knife went tighter into my neck.

“Please, I was paralysed but then --”

“You were paralysed?” the man’s voice was interested now, and I almost thought I sensed some form of recognition. “You say you were paralysed?” I nodded very carefully, aware of the knife perilously close to my jugular, but the knife loosened and completely fell away. I was swung around and found myself looking into the very dark eyes of a man of about fifty. He was exceptionally tanned though not quite black. He had wrinkles round his mouth and eyes, but otherwise seemed to have quite smooth skin. He was topless but looked to be wearing a very expensive pair of trousers.

“How were you paralysed?” said the man, he sounded eager.

“I --” But I was saved of having to answer this question as a tall slender woman stepped into my view. She wore a long silky dress and an elegantly placed sun hat. There was not a hair out of place on her body.

“I advise you put him down, Ian,” she said. Her voice was as silky as her dress.

“I -- I -- was going to,” mumbled Ian, and he shoved me to the ground.

The woman turned her attention to me and immediately I felt myself blush and looked away. She was very pretty. I noticed that she was wearing a golden necklace.

“I apologise for Ian’s man-handling. I’m afraid he’s a little bit…” her smile increased delicately, “into men.” I heard Ian exclaim a disgruntled, “No, I’m not.” and when I looked around, saw he was not.

“Welcome, to the Golden Palace, Matthew --” This was the second time, someone had known my name without me knowing how “-- My name is Cynthia. You are a very welcome guest, here.” She smiled, but there was something about this whole situation that made me very uneasy. I suppose I was in a mysterious forest, my paralysis had been cured and I was by a gigantic golden palace that I had never heard of before.

Cynthia seemed to notice my concern. “Don’t worry, Matthew. All will be explained if you come with me…”

I had to admit, that the appeal of finding out exactly what had been going on these past few hours was very intriguing. But, then again, there was something that was making me very uneasy.

Cynthia changed her tactic. Her voice deepened, became more threatening, “Come with me, Matthew, now.”

I shook my head. “Why can’t you just tell me now?”

Cynthia’s eyes narrowed, but only for a second. “Very well,” she whispered. And she brandished, as if from no where a poké ball. “I shall do it, now… Venomoth, you know what to do!” She gently tossed the poké ball to the ground and out came a pokémon which I recognised to be a Venomoth. Usually, these butterfly pokémon were purple but this one -- and somehow I was not surprised -- was gold. “Venomoth, could you please use Paralyse Dust…” Her voice was sickly sweet. The horror of what she said, sunk in. I was going to be paralysed again. “NO!” I shouted, “You can‘t do this!” Cynthia merely smiled thinly.

“Yes. I. Can.”

The Venomoth turned to me, it’s eyes with a look of determination on it’s face. I tried to crawl away, but ironically, was paralysed with horror. This was not fair! I had finally been cured --

“LINOONE!” Out of no where a Linoone leapt out and tackled the Venomoth to the ground. I heard a familiar voice from behind me. “Wow, got here in the nick of time. You alright, Matty?” It was Kate.

“Yeah…” I said edgily, my eye on the struggle between the Venomoth and the Linoone.

“Hey Cynthia,” said Kate calmly. Cynthia looked like she wanted to snarl, but held it in, her eyes looking above them all. “How are you doing, Linoone? Excellent!”

The golden Venomoth was lying unconscious on the floor. “Now get out of here before I call my most powerful pokémon, Cynthia.”

Cynthia, now genuinely snarling, recalled Venomoth into her poké ball and stalked off back towards the Golden Palace.

“What’s --”

“Shh,” Kate put her index finger to her lips. “Right, I’m really annoyed about this, but… GO, Abra!”

“Abraaaa!”

“Right, Abra, I’m serious. If you don’t do this properly, then I will not give you that purple poké block you like --” the Abra, as usual looked desperate to find a flaw but failed, “-- Take us to the nearest city. Try and do something wrong with that one… And, NO sewer works.”

The Abra nodded reluctantly and a flash of white light enveloped them all. The next thing I knew I was standing in the middle of a bustling area, my eyes tightly closed. Kate put her hand on my shoulder. “Oh no…” she said, and as my eyes opened, I was horrified as well…

 

[not_awake]

Love that Abra... He seems a little like the robot from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Anyway, it's looking good. The twists and turns are fantastic. I can't wait to see where it goes. The only criticism I have is that there are a few phrases you used that seem a bit odd. Other than a few quick fixes it was top notch.

There was nothing like an odd mystery to keep yourself from getting hyper.

Hyper seems out of place. Excited or overwhelmed perhaps?

T

he woman turned her attention to me and immediately I felt myself go hot and looked away.

Go hot? Is that a British thing? Maybe describe the sensation. Blushing, heart beating faster, a temporary fixation.

I tried to crawl away, but ironically, was paralysed with horror.

I'm sure some people need the irony pointed out to them. Not everyone though.

 

[Smile Guy]

Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Headline News

Of all the places Abra could have taken us…

Kate, Linoone, Abra and I were standing in the middle of a prison yard. It was about fifty by fifty foot and the ground was of a dusty quality. It was deserted, yet surrounded by a ten foot wired gate. Kate groaned angrily.

“Abra, one of these days, I’m gonna kill you!” The Abra merely yawned and turned on it’s side and fell asleep. Kate narrowed her eyes, muttered “Honestly…” to herself and retrieved the Abra into the poké ball. She turned to me, “Well, this complicates matters -- I -- hang on. How come you’re not paralysed any more.”

“You’ve only just noticed?” I questioned, dully.

“Well, y’know, I wasn’t concentrating.” She shrugged my question off, blushing slightly. “Now, we’ve got to get out of here before a prison guard sees us here with pokémon. Oh god, they think we’ve been planning an escape.”

And sure enough, no sooner as she had said this, a prison guard came running from the prison brandishing a baton in one hand and a poké ball in the other. I could see inmates peering through their barred prison cell windows, undoubtedly intrigued to see the interesting thing that was happening in their otherwise, boring day.

The prison guard was wearing a very scruffy uniform. The collar was turned up and many of his buttons on his jacket weren’t done up. He look a bit tired and had the distinct smell of coffee under his breath. I noticed Kate smiling, and I could see why. It looked like they could use the guard’s tiredness to there advantage.

“What are you doing in this prison yard?” said the guard, half-yawning and half-trying to be threatening. He rubbed his eyes and tried to make himself more alert but failed.

“We’re tourists,” replied Kate, quite calmly considering she was lying severely and with a different accent, “From the Hoenn region and the map seems to have taken us here.”

The prison guard nodded, but then frowned. “What map?” Kate motioned to her pocket. The prison guard followed her hand. I could have sworn she was pointing to a rather flirtatious place.

“Err, err, how did you get over the fence?”

“We walked.”

“You walked?”

“Yes, along the Route 1 Highway, to be exact.”

“The Route 1 Highway?” The guard frowned even more, but then yawned again, “Are you having a laugh?”

“Did you know Donphan can be equal to the height of Magikarp in Fiore?” Kate was smiling, complacently. I stifled a laugh. She was baffling the guard with incredible ease. The prison guard looked confused for about ten seconds then said:

“I’m calling security.”

“You are security,” said Kate, patronisingly.

“I meant back-up security!”

“Good for you.”

The guard looked positively furious. He ran a hand through his hair, knocking off his hat in the process. “You’re under arrest!” he said. There was a long pause and the wind picked up, softly blowing sand over the three of them and Linoone.

“We already in prison,” said Kate, after a very long, awkward silence, “And could you kindly let us free, please.”

“I can’t do that!” insisted the prison guard. Suddenly, Kate changed her manner into a person of high status.

“Congratulations, Steven --”

“Richard.”

“Sorry, yes, Richard. You have passed my inspection test on how to act when a mysterious person or persons appears in the middle of a prison yard. I don’t normally do this, Richard, but I must say I’m very impressed with you. Expect full results sometime soon… But I must say, we‘re looking at hundred percent here.”

The guard looked rather chuffed with himself.

“Now kindly show me, and my apprentice out, thank you.”

“Of course!” said the guard quickly and led them to a side gate at the edge of the prison yard and unlocked a padlock. Kate and I stepped through the door. “May you be promoted to the high heavens!” said Kate, dramatically.

“Thank you, very much. Goodbye!” replied the guard.

Kate and I, with Linoone perched on Kate’s shoulder walked across the road that ran past, then behind an old fashioned building. I burst into laughter.

“That was brilliant!” I said.

“Thank you, you pick these sorts of things up in the Uprising.”

I stopped laughing. “What’s the Uprising?” I asked, inquisitively. Kate’s face fell. “You’re not supposed to know about it… yet.” She added the “yet” when she saw my face. I supposed it would have been a mixture of annoyance and worry.

“Listen, once I’ve got into contact with Robs or Mickey, we’ll tell you everything. I have to say, I don’t know too much myself at the moment. Clara’s being very secretive at the moment.”

I decided not to press the matter. But instead asked, “How are you going to make contact?”

Kate sighed and I noticed Linoone sighed too. “Well normally I have a nice, convenient ear piece and we’d be picked up in seconds but that, but that awful lady Cynthia and her hapless accomplice Ian disconnected me and are going to attack Pallet Town in some way…”

“WHAT?!?” I screamed. The thought of my beloved hometown, despite the fact that I had barely seen any of it these past few years, being destroyed was terrible. All those people who had been so kind to me, my neighbours, Nikki my one true remaining friend, my parents. My thoughts lingered on my parents. I wondered whether they had found out I wasn’t there and if they were worrying about me or not.

Kate seemed horrified by my reaction. “Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’m sure Clara’s got it all under control.” A silence fell between us. As if to break it, Kate lifted her hand and put it on the shoulder of a nearby boy. I felt a pang in my stomach which I couldn’t properly describe.

The boy looked a couple of years younger than me. As he looked up I saw he was very ashen-faced and appeared to have recently been crying.

“Yo!” said Kate, oblivious to the boy’s face, “Do you know what town we’re in?”

The boy nodded. “It’s - it’s - Fuchsia City.” And he scampered off away from them.

“What’s up with him, do you reckon?” asked Kate.

But we were quick to notice that other people walking the streets of Fuchsia City were equally buried in tears or white-faced. Kate keenly pointed out how Fuchsia was normally such a vibrant city. “I don’t understand it,” she said, again and again.

Finally, they found a Pokémon Centre, which Kate explained would be able to reboot her communications system. The atmosphere in the Pokémon Centre was as sombre as it was outside. Even to the extent that black drapes were hung everyway, as if mourning someone’s death.

I scanned the room, seeing no one there except a wizened old man who was sitting down, with his face buried into his hands. My eyes came to rest on a notice board and my heart skipped a beat.

“Kate…” I said, tugging on her shoulder.

“What?” she asked irritably. She was obviously desperate to get into contact with her mysterious Uprising. I pointed out a newspaper headline that had been pinioned to the notice board. Her face dropped a ton. She sat down and, like the old man nearby her, put her face into her hands. She shook her head in despair. This can’t be. For the newspaper headline on the board read:

PROFESSOR OAK’S MURDERED BODY FOUND IN FUSCHIA RIVER. GUNSHOT TO HEAD

I too sat down next to Kate. Professor Oak had been so kind to me these past few years. Like Nikki, he had been one of the few people who had cared to visit me. Even offering me a pokémon, though I had declined. And now he was dead. The horror of it all was overwhelming. Everything that had happened these past few hours had just been bearable, but this… I didn’t know what to do.

I sank into the chair and closed my eyes. Pondering what I had just learnt

 

[Koubagia]

Great chapters.

Interest
My interest in this story has tripled from reading these two chapters. I'm loving the plot, and I really like the character of Kate, she reminds me a little of my own Roan. The plot twists and the crazy Abra just make this perfect. I love the way this story is progressing, and rest assured I will continue reading.

Interest Score: 9.5/10


Plot
Nice twist with the prison. You have introduced new elements effectively and your characters have reacted appropriately. It has moved a little quickly once again, but that is only a minor problem. I'm really liking this, Smile Guy.

Plot Score: 9/10


Characters
Your characters are always good. Matt has become a much more developed character in these two chapters and you have introduced the new characters of Cynthia and Ian well. It's also nice to see someone not afraid to include homosexuality, I myself have chickened out of that numerous times.

Characters Score: 9/10


Construction & Accuracy
It's well laid out and easy to read, but this is a given for you. There are only a few minor comments I would like to make about accuracy. In chapter 3, "The call of nature" makes it sound like he needs the toilet and "Paralyse Dust" should be "Stun Spore", assuming that was the attack you were referring to. In chapter 4 the only thing I saw was a missing full stop right at the end. Not really much wrong here.

C&A Score: 8.5/10


Overall Score: 90%

 

[not_awake]

Do I detect a trace of the Doctor or is it just British sensibility? Perhaps it's the hints of time travel that put me in mind of this. Again a very good chapter, though I hope we see Kate's motives laid out soon. Then again, with everything else paced quickly, that mystery keeps me wondering and keeps me hooked. It's fine line though as I'm sure we're all asking ourselves what's this all about.

 

[Smile Guy]

The Article

Heh, heh. This is a little extra thing I've decided to put in. It's just a short little newspaper article depicting the tragic murder of Professor Oak. Hope you enjoy. I did just knock it up in a matter of minutes so...

The Article

PROFESSOR OAK’S MURDERED BODY FOUND IN FUCHSIA RIVER. GUNSHOT TO HEAD

Officials are baffled, as is everyone else in the region when the prestigious Professor Oak - loved by everyone - was found face down, with a bullet to his head, in Fuchsia River.

It can be said that the people mourning the man’s death the most is the residents of Fuchsia, in which, not only was the body found in the famous Fuchsia but where the Professor had been conducting a ten year scheme to create an Ecological Zoo where he had allowed passers-by to get up and close to very rare pokémon.

Possibly the only other place where mourning levels will be as high if not higher than in Fuchsia City will be the small but quaint Pallet Town, Oak’s hometown. Ash Ketchum himself quoted “This is a despicable act. No one deserves to be murdered, least of all Professor Oak, who has helped me through some hard times and even started off my career.”

Equal responses were noted throughout the region as special services in Town Halls and Gyms paid their tributes to the most intellectual and kind man in Kanto.

Even the foreign regions of Johto and Hoenn paid their tributes in particular Professor Elm and Professor Birch who had been long-time friends with him.
The executive Chief of Police, DCI Jenny had one short but simple statement to make on the matter: “This is a murder. It is not suicide, it is not an accident. A beloved man was found shot facedown in a river. This doesn’t just happen. Someone, meant for this to happen and I guarantee they will pay. This will be treated like any other investigation, with precision, accuracy, truth and justice.”

When examining the body, they concluded that the man had only been shot today, although exactly when would be hard to judge as the water had effected the usual tests.

More as it comes, except, we, ourselves, The Fuchsia Print, offer our condolences to Professor Oak.

By Cindy Natalie Hiarthoy (1568131415)​

 

[Luckmage]

Wow. And that is all I can say. xP I'm returning the favour since you reviewed my fic. ^^

Now, on to it:

Your plot is very interesting. As in: the moment I started reading Chapter One then I got hooked already kind of thing. Although sometimes it does tend to "speed up" a little and get kind of rushed...

And [SPOIL]you killed off Prof Oak, how could you?[/SPOIL] xD

It did add the "shock" element to your story though. Nicely done.

Did I add that I loved the humor as well?

“I’m calling security.”

“You are security,” said Kate, patronisingly.

“I meant back-up security!”

“Good for you.”

*grins widely from ear to ear*

I feel that you're descriptive in your use of words although I did spot one or two errors like:

“Yo!” said Kate, oblivious to the boy’s face, “Do you know what town we’re in?”

Did you mean the boy's face, or the boy's facial expression?

And your Kate was...unique. I liked her personality cos' she's all spunky and cheeky and all. =D

Overall, you aced this. Five stars! *gives three cookies to Smile Guy* ^___^

 

[ijea4444]

I think this is a great story.Can u pm me when u post next chappie?
In my opininon (< Spelled right i dont think so) i think the prof. oak death is a scam. Maybe in the end it was a look a like and the real oak is tied up.

 

[Caterpie Master]

I think this is a great story.Can u pm me when u post next chappie?
In my opininon (< Spelled right i dont think so) i think the prof. oak death is a scam. Maybe in the end it was a look a like and the real oak is tied up.

You indeed spelled it wrong, it's opinion
The dead of Oak is a liitle wierd, but it adds a cool thing to the story.
Can't wait for the next chapter!

 

[Smile Guy]

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 - Kate’s Weakness

The next few hours passed by miserably.

Kate barely spoke or moved. She just sat there, with her hands in her face. Even the old man who had been in the position before had walked away. I contemplated asking her why she was so shocked, to offer a helping hand but I didn’t know how. In all honesty I was angry at her. A few hours, she had been a lifeline and had appeared an indestructible force. Talking and attacking her way out of a variety of dangerous situations. Now, she was like this – a wreck. Why was she like this? Surely I was the one who should be like how she was. I had known Professor Oak better, hadn’t I?

Feeling rather trapped by having to stay near Kate, I tried to make myself comfy and picked up a magazine. There was nothing of interest. It was all the sort of stuff that promised how to make your pokémon super-powerful in ten easy days but actually just subjected your pokémon to torture… Well, maybe it was a little less depressing, but that was how I felt.

Linoone seemed to be sharing the grief and after a little investigation, I had found the pokémon curled up around Kate’s feet.

My eyes gazed at Kate -- her face now down to her knees. She had been so fantastic for the short time I had known her and suddenly, she had revealed her weakness horrifically easily. A wispy strand of hair had fallen out of place and, despite myself, leant forward to stroke it behind her ear, a feeling of something quite unexpected in my stomach.

“Excuse me,” said a sweet voice, just as I was about to touch her. I looked up, and saw a nurse standing over me. She was clearly not the head nurse, as she was not wearing standard pink uniform or having standard pink hair, but she seemed official enough. (With blue uniform and brown hair).

“Is she okay?” the nurse asked, a hint of genuine worry in her voice.

I paused, realising I didn’t truly know, but said: “I think so…”

She raised an eyebrow.

“She’s just grieving, I think.”

“Oh, I see. You mean, about Professor Oak?” she asked. I nodded. The nurse sighed and sat down next to me.

“Did she know him? Personally, I mean.” I paused again. How much I didn’t know about Kate… “I don’t know….” I said.

“As good as,” came a voice. We both turned to look at Kate. “What do you mean?” I asked.

”It was my job. I made a mistake. Now he’s dead…”

“What do you mean it was your job? You can’t blame yourself for this!” said the nurse.

“That threat, that Cynthia sent me, in your bedroom,” said Kate, her watery eyes turned towards me, “I assumed it meant a danger to the whole of Pallet, to everybody’s beloved but she just meant Professor Oak. She must have. She was involved in this murder, I know it! And I should have interpreted it correctly. You shouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for my stupid, stupid ****-up!”

And she leapt to her feet and rammed herself against the wall, again and again and again. The nurse and I leapt to our feet and tried to pull her away. She complied, but slid down the wall, crying uncontrollably.

“This is not your fault!” I shouted, fiercely. The nurse seemed utterly confused about what we were talking about. “This is that evil woman, Cynthia’s fault, okay. She’s the one who ordered Professor Oak to be shot into Fuchsia River and…” My voice tailed off.

“Hang on. Didn’t we hear a gunshot? Wasn’t that what caused the stampede?” Kate looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and I could tell that realisation had dawned on her as well. But, to my horror, she just slid further into more tears.

“What’s going on?” asked the nurse.

“I -- I’m not sure…” I replied, truthfully. The nurse frowned and looked as if she wanted to say something, but, the phone rang. She walked away reluctantly.

“Kate… Kate…” I said, turning my attention back to the sobbing wreck on the ground, “What is going on?” Kate merely shook her head.

“Please, I need to know. How come all this is happening? This isn’t fair on me…”

“ISN’T FAIR!!!” shrieked Kate, “YOU’VE BEEN CURED OF PARALYSIS!” I was stunned at this furious reaction.

“Yeah, I know,” I said, weakly, “But I have no idea --”

“You’ll be glad you have no idea. The truth is painful. The truth is unfair --”

“I don’t care! I want the truth!” We stared at each other fiercely for a good long minute. I was pained to see Kate hating me like this. It was an awful minute, and only interrupted when the nurse appeared. She looked at me, then at Kate, then turned back to me again.

“Are you Matthew Scoging?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said, continuing to stare at Kate.

“It’s the phone for you.” This did get my attention. Who would want to phone me? And who would even know where I was?

“This way…” said the nurse. Pulling myself away from the staring match between myself and Kate, I followed the nurse along a passageway to the left. She gestured to a phone. I picked it up.

“Hello?” I said, uneasily.

“Hello,” replied an unfamiliar female voice. It wasn’t as slang as Kate’s or as sleek as Cynthia’s. It was both calm and active.

“Who is this?” I asked.

“Clara… of the Uprising.” Excitement rushed through my body. This was the person Kate had mentioned. Was I finally going to learn what was going on? “Matthew, I want you to take Kate to the back of the poké centre. Make sure no one sees you. Robs will be there okay. Kate will recognise him. Good luck. I hope to see you soon.”

“Wait --” But Clara had already hung up. Disappointed, I returned back to Kate, where the nurse had an arm round her back and was comforting her.

“Kate…?” I asked, rather cautiously, given how I had just left her. To my surprise, she looked up at me, quite simply and to my happiness, she had a spark back in her eye.

“Yes?” she said.

“We’ve got to leave now. Follow me!” I felt quite powerful issuing an order.

“Oooh, okay, Mr. Control Freak,” she said, managing a smile. She was clearly trying to be her normal self again. Standing up, she walked towards me and put her arm on my shoulder. Despite myself, I felt another tingle in my stomach. Could I really --?

“Well, where to?” Kate asked.

“Err, Clara said out the back,” I replied. Kate rolled her eyes, revealing them to be rather bloodshot. The nurse, however, had left the room, and, noticing this, Kate said: “No harm done, then.”

“Yeah…” I took a step forward. But, Clara pulled me back.

“Listen,” she said, “I’m sorry. Oh, it’s okay. Professor Oak’s death sort of shocked me too…”

“No… I overreacted. I know I did. I put you in a really awkward situation and I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s… It’s okay.”

Kate smiled and nodded. To my great surprise, Linoone leapt onto my shoulder and ran round my neck a couple of times. Feeling rather impressed with myself, although slightly embarrassed, I led both of us out of the back of the poké centre.

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Ahh, yes. A nice character development chapter, I think and hope. It may also be nice to note that the next chapter, looking at the plan of it will be the longest yet. And that means about double the length for me. I was contemplating splitting the chapter in two but seeming as people want a longer chapter I thought, meh! And the Review Club is officially in action Tale and Tachyon...

 

[The Pokemon Master]

Hi! I just read your fic, and I must say that it's really good. The only errors I noticed were minor, and it's got a great plot and amazing characters.

I won't get all picky with this review about grammar (unless it's major) and other little things, just going to give the general view of it.


The Characters

Matthew: This guy's life must have been hell. It might still have been until his paralysis was cured, considering he was with a very active girl and her psychotic Abra. Things seemed to look up for him for a little while, until Professor Oak died. Now, though, he seems to have perked up a little (hey, he's finally going to figure out what the heck is going on). I love the way you've developed him, and I sense a relationship beginning to develop between him and Kate.

Kate: Wow. This girl has energy in unbelievable quantities. She's also very brave (she faced down a horde of stampeding Rhyhorns and Donphans to try and get him to safety. That's what I call courage). Also, she seems to take her duty to an extraordinary degree (maybe that's why she's so active all the time?). Glad to see she's finally getting over Oak's death (I was pretty sad about that too, as a matter of fact). Great character overall!

Robs, Mickey, and Clara: Haven't seen or heard enough of them to give you a review on them yet. From the sound of it, though, the next chapter will solve that.

Cynthia: *resists urge to melt the gold palace down and drown her in it* This... woman is really getting to me. She thinks she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. I hate her and hope she dies a gruesome death. (this actually indicates that you've done a great job creating the villain)

Ian: Great grunt you've made, and he's homosexual to boot (at least if you believe Cynthia). Even in the small window we got onto him, there's still a chunk of character revealed there. Another nice job!

Other characters: These characters all fulfill their roles admirably, contributing to the plot and helping to reveal more about the others. Amazing way of bringing all the lesser characters into a helping role.


Pokemon

Abra: I love it. The way Kate has to eliminate all the possibilities for Abra to mess with the order is just hilarious. It has definitely earned the titles "sadistic" and "crazy" given to it by Tachyon.

Linoone: Always a nice Pokemon to have around. This one is apparently pretty strong. After all, it took down the Venomoth in one hit. Great Pokemon to pair with Kate, though. It's got to be as energetic as she usually is.

Venomoth: This is a Pokemon I just have to feel sorry for. I just get the feeling that it wasn't a golden color to begin with, and Cynthia had it colored that way. Also, I pretty much have to pity any Pokemon that she owns.


Plot

Not too much to comment on here, I just think it's great. It really gets me hooked, and does so without being boring. About the only part I didn't like at all was the fact that Professor Oak is dead. Otherwise, great plot (hope the next chapter's not as boring as you made it sound...).


Grammar

For the vast majority of the work, your grammar and sentence construction are perfect. However, there is the occasional word being left out.


Summary

This is an excellent piece of work. Keep it going, I really want to see how this plays out.



Until we meet again...
;150;

 

[cyndaquil_dratini]

Hey, I've been looking for an interesting story to read for a while now, there seems to be a bit of a lack of them at the moment...maybe I'm being a bit impatient with my waiting for new posts, I feel liek a story loses its flow if it never gets added on to. So many good stories I've read since I started using this site have ended up like that, or take months to post onto. Grr to that.

I'm really...I don't know...I'm not the kind of guy you want to review, I'm really really harsh and honest and picky and I feel like you just need some more encouragement. Something about you- your enthusiasm for this story, maybe, the way you structure your plot, the cliffhangers, your character development, the way you look at your writing- really relates to me. I'm really, really enjoying this story- I read it all tonight, but I'm really enjoying it. So, yeah, sorry, but I gotta review it, and I'm gonna be fussy and pedantic and get angry or push you or whatever, but maybe you'll appreciate that in the end. I'd just like to make one thing clear- I'm very interested in where this story is going.

One of the best aspects of your writing is the sense of irony you inject into everything- the title, The Uprising, and the main character is paralysed and gets cured. It's clever, it's really clever, I love irony because it takes so much forethought. The most ironic thing is that the only reason I came across your story is your little whinge to everybody about how come you never get posts and you feel like nobody likes your story. Do you know a guy on this site called Dilasc? He drives me insane, always wanting extra credit, begging people to nominate him in the awards, always complaining about his under-read story-- and his story is utter cliche fantasy 'the world has ended' poo (well, I shouldn't say that, I just don't like that style of writing much- I went and read his story for a similar reason to why I went and read yours and hated it ,so I didn't even bother posting, but it doesn't mean its a bad story, it just means I have really specific tastes.) The point is that Dilasc drives me nuts and I don't even know him, coz every time I'm aware of him he's having a good old whinge bout how unpopular he is. Grrr....so don't write any more then, if nobody reads your stuff, if you feel so hard-done by!
First things first, please please PLEASE change your sig. You don't need that. Your story is better than that. There's no point to that. And I know, I know, I KNOW, trust me, I'm a newbie author writing my first fanfic and it does feel like that. The thing is, we all feel like that- we all write expecting everyone to tell us how wonderful our work is, and we go online every chance we get to see if theres any new posts and there isnt and you're so proud of that ast chapter, you just want someone to tell you how brilliant it was, and nobody does for a month, and then the only review is so short it's over before it's begun. The trick is to enjoy the journey of your fic on your own, and hope that people will have the patience to catch up to you. I, personally, believe a good name is key too, since that's why people click on fics in the first place.

Anyways. That's my first point. Stop whining. And I know you're gonna tell me straight away "I'm not" but you are, and you don't need to coz your fic's great. But, yes, I do understand how you feel because that's how I felt- I put so much effort into my fic and then it takes years for people to review, or they dont review at all or whatever. You've got regular reviewers, so thats a lot more than most people have, and you've got a good story, so just keep on going. And I'm here now anyways, so you can count on me to tell you exactly what I thought of every bit I loved or hated in the chapter, it's oen of the things I really enjoy doing.

I've already pointed out lots of the key things that are really attractive about this story- your sense of irony is wonderful, your enthusiasm for your own story is also really appealing, it means that I'm not gonna really get into a fic that's just gnna be given up on after a month. Your habit of twisting the plot, making it nice and lovely and thick and putting heaps of cliffhangers in is great. I love stories like that, coz my story's like that too (go and read it, pretty please, I hope you'll love it, but it's really long now- don't give up on it!) I love how you've obviously thought about every little action, every little thing that's going on, there's a reason, there's a plan, there's a nice, well-defined plot. Yay! I am the self-proclaimed plot police and I hand you a badge of honour.

Characters in this story are wonderful, so deep, and very real, very...charismatic. I love Matt, he's really interesting; I love Kate, everyone does. I don't like Linoone. I spend days trying to sort out which pokemon will be key in my fic, so it annoys me when someone just sticks one in that's so commonly used in fics these days. I can think of about four fics which have a Linoone as the main character. I don't know if I like Cynthia, I don't know much about her. The gay grunt seems...hmm..I like the way you introduced him, I like his relationship with Cynthia- I like that he's gay, if he is, which he's prolly not, coz I'm gay too- I think he's a bit stereotyped, as is Cynthia. I like baddies to have a real side to them, makes them seem ever so much more bad. What I felt didn't come up to standard was the last chapter, and the blatant "character development" in big neon lights that stood out over it, specially after what you said at the end. Character development should be subtle, and should grow with the fic, not just stuck in where it's convenient. What you were doing befoe was fine, so no need to stick really obviou character development in now.

The best part about this story is the way it moved me. The scene on the beach, where Matt regained the use of his body, was just magical. That was Uprising, I can tell you. I really felt I understood what he was going through, even though I don't- and that was probably due to some really nicely written description in the first chapter, about what it's like to be paralyzed. And the shock (partly ruined by my eyes scanning down and reading the big headline before I got to that bit in the story) when we found out Professor Oak was dead, was ace. It's so hard to write shock like that, so clever to be able to shock your readers with twists like that. You're doing really well, I love your subtle description, and the way you relate your characters to your readers.

What i think you need to work on, more than anything- and here's the bit where I usually say plot, but it's not plot- it's substance. Your story is moving too quickly, too many things are happening, and there's not enough stopping and contemplating. Ask questions in various bits of the story, think about what has just happened, reflect on it- make sure that if the pace of the story is fast, the reader's carried along with it and not left behind, not caring. Stop and smell the roses a little- maybe a little bit more description, but try more than anything to describe what people are feeling more, I think that'll be key in getting your readers to really feel connected to the characters, and like they're being taken on this "journey" too. It's not length- and this is really important- it isn't length that you need more of, it's substance. Make your writing seem really professional, like you're writing a novel.

The other thing which is bugging me bout The Uprising is the punctuation. Your reviewers all say "it's perfect!" or "I spellchecked it, and it's fine" but it isn't really. You overuse commas, a habit I can relate to. Don't put them in the middle of sentences where there doesn't need to be a pause; you don't use a comma to singify every time you want that reader to take a breath. Your commas are cutting up the story in odd places, so use them sparsely. For example, in that last sentence I used a comma before a so, which I didn't need to do. I'm still getting used to the comma rule myself, but you're overusing it lots. Also, the words you've got wrong are really wrong, and it's mainly words a spellcheck wouldn't pick up. So don't be lazy, read through your story more than once (I always do it just after I posted it, go through and edit it on beta) and change things that need changing. Lots of this story looks like first or second draft to me, stuff that hasn't been looked over enough. Yeah, I know I have heaps of mistakes in this review, I've just got so much to say and I wanna get it all down so I'm not worrying too much bout the typos. I think typos are ok in a review.

I'm looking forward to this next chapter, sounds set for something good a juicy. I love the way you write, I love this story, I love the way it's going- and there have been some really moving bits in it. I can see why you're really proud of this, I would be too. I think...as a last side note...that the little plot overview at the beginning of the story is a bit 'blowing your own trumpet'. The 'make this one of the most shocking fics around' or whatever. Cause ti feels like that, when you first start out, but everyone here's an author, not an audience, and they're all trying to do the same thing.

All in all, you're wonderful, your story has really impressed me, your style is vry likeable, and I'd just like to see a little more depth, a bit more substance, to really make the most of this really nicely thought out story. Please, pm me as soon as every chappie is done, but I'll be checking serebii frequently for more on this anyways, rest assured.

 

[soul of legonds]

awasome

Nice fic, this is a mistery and an adventure, so cool. Keep up the good work.

 

[Smile Guy]

Right, I've just had a disaster. My story and a couple of other files for my school have vanished, so, although I've still got the story up to Chapter 5, (here), I'm going to have to restart Chapter 6 (and the plan for Chapter 7), so may be a delay.