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The Villain

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Dawn_Hero, Jan 24, 2012.

  1. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Hey, guys! I'm working my butt off with my main fic, Within My Own Nightmares, but I couldn't help but write this story. I've had this idea for quite a while, so tonight I finally sat down and started writing. I really hope you guys like this story, because I had way too much fun writing it and I have a feeling the other chapters will be just as fun to write as well. xD It's not exactly my best or most serious writing, but I really enjoy where this may end up going and I intend to keep pumping out chapters. This whole story is somewhat of an experiment, but with luck some of you may enjoy it. :p

    If you ever end up reading this, please make sure to leave a review! I know Chapter One is long and at times comes off as somewhat rushed, but pointing out specific things always helps me to make it even better in the future. :) Anyways, with all that out of the way, let's get started, shall we?


    • Kutie Pie

    ===Table of Contents===

    Chapter One: Meeting Mary. ( Part I / Part II )

    Chapter One: Meeting Mary.

    I don't know what it is about stories, but no one ever stops talking about the hero.

    What makes them so great, anyways? Is it strength? Courage? Bravery? This day and age, no one seems to remember. You see, part of me almost suspects that just about every hero since the beginning of time pretty much got recorded in the history books just 'cause they were so narcissistic that they couldn't shut up about themselves. Somehow, all the lies and exaggerations just sort of made it into print. Guess you could say some habits die hard, don't they?

    "There's a lot of people out there who wonder what it's like being me," a girl named Mary said cordially into a microphone. All of Pallet Town surrounded her, staring up at her platform with complete and total fascination. Why wouldn't they? She just graduated from trainer school with the highest markings they'd given out in over a decade. She was athletic, she was witty, and let's face it - every guy in a ten mile radius had asked her on a date at least ten times. She'd never say yes, though; she was involved in a steamy love triangle with two of the top athletes in Pallet Town. Romance aside, these heroic qualities are what made Professor Oak choose her, along with two others, as the recipients of his famed starter Pokemon this year - an honor that, keeping with tradition, required both a parade and an opening ceremony. Keeping with the same tradition, the most honorable candidate was allowed to speak before the parade began.

    "Well, all I have to tell them is this: it's a lot of hard work and dedication. You have to be ready to put forth a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to become the best!" She flashed her flawless pearly whites to the crowd, making the men swoon. "And so, with that hard work in mind, I," she paused to press her hand against her chest and giggle, "Mary Sue, wish you all a fantastic evening before the start of my journey! May you enjoy the parade and the commencement ceremony that follows!"

    A screech filled the air as she stepped to the side, holding out her arms to display the first of the floats but instead letting out a bloodcurdling scream of her own. From above her stand, a brunette girl fell from a tree and slammed into the refreshments table nearby, knocking the punch bowl into the air and down upon Mary's head. The pink juice instantly ran down her white summer dress, irrevocably staining it.

    Mary looked as if she was going into an asthma attack as she took the punch bowl off of her head and dropped it to the ground in front of her.

    "Rachel!" she screamed, her hands balling into fists as she leapt forward to deliver the girl swift justice. However, her high heels had a much different idea for her. As she lifted her foot it caught on the punch bowl in front of her, making her slip forward and topple off of her stand. With a loud tearing sound, she fell down and destroyed the first of the parade floats, making the second crash into the back of it. The crowd erupted into horrified screams as they rushed to Mary Sue's aid, but it was already too late - as she picked herself up from the wreckage of the first float, a pile-up had already been created and the entire parade itself had been destroyed.

    As the young intruder got up from the table and began to slink away, Mary let out a death-defying roar and jabbed her finger through the air, pointing directly at the girl. "You! she screamed. "You did this! You ruined me!" She picked up her broken high heel and flung it at the girl, missing her by at least a dozen yards. Her blue eyes narrowed into furious slits as the pearly teeth that once captivated a crowd clenched together in bloodlust. "Get her! Get Rachel!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

    Since the beginning of time, every story has had one unquestionable truth - that there will always be a hero and a villain. You really couldn't have a story without them, could you? In every good book there's always some incredibly interesting first sentence that compels you to keep reading so that they can introduce the hero that you will be following through-out the novel - the one who, with the help of her friends and her own aspirations, manages to conquer the source of all her problems and bring peace to herself and others once and for all. There's also the possibility of some rather interesting misunderstandings and, on occasion, some well-deserving slapstick routines involving water. The hero of this tale, as I'm sure so many of you may have figured out by now, will indeed be Mary Sue.

    However, let the record show that I, Rachel Summers, find this approach to be overwhelmingly clichéd and, with that in mind, shall begin my story by introducing to each and every one of you the role that I'll be playing this evening:

    The Villain.

    Two hours earlier...

    "Is this really how you want to spend your first day in Pallet Town? Stealing clothes?"

    I sighed, brushing the brown hair out of my eyes. Not this again.

    "Look, it's not like I intended to steal it. I really was going to return it. I just... wasn't sure when."

    My father sighed behind his desk, his brown eyes filled with disappointment as he stared at me.

    "Rachel, you're eighteen. You're way too old for this... I have no idea what we're going to do with you."

    "I suggest throwing the book at her," a female police officer standing next to my chair interjected happily, her hands clasped in front of her blue uniform. "I'm sure she'll thank you for it, sir! I hear teenagers love punishment!"

    The woman sounded like she actually believed what she was saying - was she always this chipper when she was bringing people in for committing crimes?

    "Are you sure throwing a book at her is a good idea?" a rather portly police officer on my left asked with a concerned tone, rubbing his red beard. "I mean, couldn't we just put her in jail? Throwing things at her seems so violent. If you really think it would help, though..."

    My father groaned, rubbing his forehead. "Jill, Barry, thank you for all your help, but may I speak to my daughter privately?"

    "Of course, sir!" Jill nodded vigorously before saluting my father and marching out of the room. Barry tried to mimic what she did, saluting as he had his head turned to her, then staggered out of the room and shut the door.

    "Gotta love Pallet Town's finest," Dad said uncertainly, leaning back in his chair. "My first day on the job and I'm already wondering how this town survived without me."

    "Well, dad, it's not exactly big - you could probably fit most of it on a gameboy screen. The biggest violations their police had to face were probably ten year olds trying to run in the grass on the way out of town without a Pokemon."

    I actually got a chuckle out of him with that, but the joy on his face soon faded.

    "Rachel, what are you doing? This was our chance to start over. The reason I got this job and moved us here was so that you could cut off all those ties with your friends in Cerulean and start a new life here. They weren't any good for you, kiddo."

    "The huge raise had nothing to do with it?"

    "Alright, it might have been ninety percent money and ten percent you. But don't underestimate how important that ten percent is!" He cracked a smile and I couldn't help but laugh at his joke. Satisfied with my giving in to his humor, he continued on. "Rachel, this... Well, it's a big day for me, and it's the job I've always wanted. You know I love you, but stuff like this... It's embarrassing. I don't want to lose this job because they think I can't even raise a daughter. You're a good girl. Why not show other people that?"

    "Look, Dad, I already told you - I wasn't stealing, just borrowing! It's all a misunderstanding!"

    "Call it whatever you want, it's no good. This is a small town... People are already talking. The second they think you're a hoodlum, who knows what they'll do? Besides, having the kid of the new chief of police stealing? Not exactly gonna make the town love us."

    "Maybe I don't want this town to love me."

    His face softened, a frown spreading across it. "Not this again, Rachel... Why do you do this?"

    I frowned, crossing my legs. "I'm not doing anything, I swear."

    A slight pause. My father took off his glasses and placed them on the table before running his hand through his hair. It was almost as if he knew what had to be asked, but wasn't sure how to ask it.

    "Rachel... Does this have anything to do with Sarah?"

    I frowned. Guess I was right. "Like I care about what she does. None of it matters to me, Dad. I don't think you get that."

    "Rachel, don't say that! She's your sister!"

    He paused, seeing if this had any effect, but apparently realized that appeal would get him nowhere. "She just won the Soul Badge in Fuchsia, you know. She called this morning and told me."

    I groaned. "Again with the not caring! Look, am I going to get in trouble or what? This chair sucks. I'm getting all numb in weird places."

    My father ran a hand through his black hair, studying me once more. "Community service. The park in the center of town needs cleaning up before the parade this afternoon - get that done and I might have some chores for you afterwards. Deal? You're not off the hook just like that, though, missy. You'll be paying off that shirt one way or another."

    I rolled my eyes, standing up from my chair. "Whatever. It'll get done. Promise." I turned and began to walk towards the door, but Dad stopped me once more.

    "Rachel, I'm serious."

    I flinched, the tone of his voice convincing me he wasn't kidding. "Dad, I'll be a good little girl, I promise. I won't even punch anyone!"

    I chuckled, but Dad remained silent, staring me down. "One more incident here, Rachel... Just one more, and I don't even know what I'd do. I can't take much more of this, kiddo."

    I stared at him for a few moments before nodding my head, solemnly. "Right, Dad... Promise."

    "One more thing, Rachel."

    I turned around to face him. "Yeah?"

    "How did those two even catch you? You used to be able to evade the police for hours back in Cerulean, and they weren't so... off." He arched an eyebrow, smiling.

    I laughed, wondering if he was even allowed to smile at a statement like that about his daughter. "They didn't. I was running towards Viridian when this other guy jumped me from behind a tree." I paused, thinking about the scenario for a second. "He's good. Scary, but good. Maybe that's how Pallet Town got by without you, eh, pops?"

    "Ah, that Christopher Sue guy, eh? Yeah, he's good." His facial expression softened as he smiled, winking at me. "See you at the parade, kiddo. You're gonna be there, right?"

    I sighed. "Guess so. Why not? I'll be in the park anyways"

    I turned back to the door, opening it and letting out a squeal as Jill and Barry fell into the room.

    "We, uh, we weren't eavesdropping, sir!" Jill said hurriedly, straightening out her brown hair as she shot to her feet. "Just standing guard! You never know - terrorism and the like!"

    "Right... Terrorism," Dad said with an arched eyebrow.

    "Er, t-terrorism is bad, chief! Very bad!" Barry stuttered, staggering to his feet. "Wouldn't want you to get hurt! That's why we were eavesdropping!"

    Dad gave an awkward smile, pointing towards the door. "If you two wouldn't mind escorting Rachel out, I have some important business to attend to. Thanks."

    "Right, sir!" Jill said instantly, grabbing me by the arm and yanking me towards the door. "We're on it! I know just the cell!"

    "She's not going to jail. She's doing community service for now."

    Jill's smile deflated, her chin quivering as if she were about to cry.

    "N... No jail?"

    "No jail!" I said worriedly, yanking my arm out of her grip. "What's up with you?! I've just got to pick up some garbage or something!"

    Jill's entire body seemed to sag, as if her reason for being was now destroyed. "Well... Alright then, sir. You know what's best. We'll escort her out."

    Dad leaned his head on his hand, staring at us with mild boredom. "Thank you, Jill," he said impatiently. "I appreciate it."

    Those three words of appreciation seemed to instantly restore the woman's confidence, making her grab my arm enthusiastically and drag me towards the door as Barry stumbled after us. "Right, sir! Anything for you, sir!"

    As soon as we were outside the office and the door closed behind us, Jill realized she was unsure of what to do as we navigated the corridors of the Pallet Town Police Station.

    "So... Community service, eh? Exciting!"

    I paused as we turned a corner, unsure of what she was getting at. "Erm... Yeah. It's a real walk in the park. Literally."

    "So, are you enjoying your time in Pallet Town then, Rachel? We have a really nice set up here. It's really... Town-y. And there's people... and clouds sometimes." She nodded her head vigorously at her own statements and gave a wide smile, continuing to stare at me. "It's fun, if you aren't in jail or working! And neither of those apply to you, unfortunately, so life must be grand!"

    I smirked. It was like this girl lived off of being chipper, even if it was somewhat... misguided.

    "Yeah, this place is rad. Lots of... Air and stuff. I like it."

    Barry nodded. "Yeah! We have that! Lots of it!"

    "You like clothes, right?" Jill asked, tilting her head. "I got my police outfit online. You should check the internet sometime. It's fun, and you can't steal things there."

    "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." I couldn't help cracking up as she glowed with approval, seeming to think she just gave me the advice of the century. "Man, I like you. Keep this up and we'll be best friends in no time, Chippy."

    "Chippy?" She scrunched her nose in thought as Barry scratched his head. "What's Chippy?"

    "You're... Chipper. I thought it might fit. You like it?"

    Her eyes brightened. "Nicknames are exciting!" she said quickly, nodding her head vigorously once more. "I enjoy them!"

    "Heh, figured as much. That's what friends are for - always giving you nicknames."

    Jill paused as we reached the lobby of the station, turning to face me.

    "Friends?" She blinked, the concept seeming somewhat unfamiliar to her. "B-best friends?"

    I smirked. "Sure, why not? Us gals got to stick together, right, Chippy?"

    "Chippy, eh?" A familiar voice rang out from the other side of the room, snapping me from my thoughts. A large, muscular man with dark brown hair and stern features walked towards us, draining all the joy from my body.

    Great. That stupid officer that caught me.

    Jill's face flushed as she began to stammer out a reply. "Chris! I d-didn't see you there! I thought you were going to return the clothes this girl stole to the store!"

    The man stopped next to us, placing his broad hand on my shoulder. "I did. That was quite the mess you got into, little lady. Hopefully you've learned your lesson about stealing today, right?"

    I shivered at his touch, shrugging his hand away. "Yeah, stealing is bad. I'm a changed woman. Thanks."

    The man's grey eyes scanned me carefully, as if evaluating my lie. "Good to hear - I approve. Are you spending the night here, or...?"

    "No jail for this one!" Jill chipped in happily. "Chief said she's best fit for community service! Gotta get the park ready for the ceremony this afternoon, right? Wouldn't want your daughter to give her speech in a filthy park!"

    Chris turned to Jill, frowning. "No jail? Interesting... But that's right. I'd hate to see that... Do a good job, then, Rachel. The ceremony's in a couple hours. Hopefully you'll stay and watch my daughter's speech!"

    "Wouldn't miss it for the world," I muttered dryly.

    Chris glanced at the clock on the wall and I followed his gaze. Four p.m.

    "You should really get going, Rachel. I'd hate for you to not get done on time. Your father may think community service is best for you, but here in Pallet Town, we prefer more... direct measures of punishment." He smiled, though I no longer felt like he was doing so simply because it was nice outside. "I'd hate for anything to happen while you clean up, because any new punishment will be far more severe. We won't tolerate hooligans in a pretty town like ours... I'll make sure of it. Understand, little lady?"

    Jill and Barry gazed at me expectantly, a large smile still plastered across the woman's face. Chris continued to stare at me, as if analyzing what I was about to do.

    "Right... I guess I'll chat you all up at the ceremony then. See ya later."

    Jill waved ecstatically. "Bye, Angsty!"

    I paused, turning back to face the girl. "Excuse me?"

    "Angsty," the girl said matter-of-factly. "You said it yourself - best friends nickname each other. If I'm Chippy, you should be Angsty."

    I shifted uncomfortably before realizing it didn't matter and nodding my head. "...Right. I'll catch you later, Chippy."

    Jill beamed, and from the corner of my eye I could see her nudge Barry in the ribs as she whispered loudly, "Her and I are best friends. She calls me 'Chippy.' I call her 'Angsty.' It's our thing."

    As I walked towards the police station doors I let out a loud sigh, crossing my arms. Today was going to be way too long. I could feel it.

    Last edited: Jan 24, 2012
  2. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    EDIT: Realized Chapter One was a bit too long to have all of it in my first post, or else I really couldn't update my table of contents. xD Had to split it in half. Sorry.

    Chapter One: Meeting Mary.
    Part II

    A gust of wind rolled by, blowing my brown hair into my eyes as I grabbed another pop can and threw it into my garbage bag. Perfect. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my afternoon. Just... Great. I sighed, pausing for a second to wipe away my hair before inspecting the park for any other litter. I think I'd pretty much collected all of it by now - perfect, since there was only about thirty minutes before the parade started.

    Even I had to admit the park was rather pretty: green grass everywhere, large oak trees - which I heard someone passing by say were in honor of some old geezer living on the outskirts of town - were dotted across the landscape, and a small creek ran through the middle of the park towards the ocean that formed the southern border of my new home. Pallet Town wasn't that bad looks-wise, but man, there really wasn't anything to do, was there?

    A high-pitched giggle snapped me out of my thoughts, turning my attention to a blonde girl looking to be about my age surrounded by two boys. At their feet sat one final used pop can, no doubt dropped by one of them. I groaned - guess I had to go be social.

    As I approached, the girl turned to face me with a smile. "Why hello there!" she said cheerily, her white summer dress waving in the wind. "You must be Rachel, right? Rachel Summers? Dad said you were moving to town with the new Chief of Police. That's pretty neat!" She flashed me a large smile, her teeth unnaturally white. Now that I was closer, I could see just what kind of a girl she really was: perfect blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, expensive dress, fancy-looking white high-heels to match it, smooth, blemish-free skin... She was like some kind of weird Pallet Town barbie.

    My body tensed, realizing that I probably had to be social to this diva since her dad was working with the police. "Er... Yeah. Crazy world. Guessing you're that Chris Sue guy's daughter? He said you had to give a speech or something today. Nice stuff."

    "Oh! Dad mentioned that?" She gave a fake laugh, turning to look at the two boys on either side of her before continuing. "How embarrassing, right? I guess parents always have to brag! I'm really not that different from anyone else - honest!" The fake tone in her voice made me flinch.

    "No one ever said you were, Barbie," I muttered as I bent down and grabbed the soda can. I felt rather safe calling her such a thing to her face - I doubt in such an out-of-the-way place like this they even knew what those were.

    "Dad actually got me this designer dress just for the occasion! Cost is never an issue when it comes to these types of events, you know?" She giggled, twirling around to show it off. "You probably want to know why, right? It's a long story - " she gave a small sigh, as if acting put out - "but I might as well let you know. You see, I..."

    Blah blah blah.

    I ignored the sound of her voice as I threw the pop can into my garbage bag, straightening my back afterwards and looking around idly for any other garbage to go pick up and get me away from this conversation. My eyes, however, fell upon something far more interesting.

    To her right was probably the cutest guy I'd ever seen - tall, with tan skin, brown hair, and bright blue eyes. He smiled as he noticed my gaze and I immediately looked away, my face turning bright red. I nervously glanced at the boy to her left, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't nearly as cute.

    Thankfully, he wasn't. He had pale skin, bright red hair, and emerald eyes, his face dotted with freckles. He blinked and smiled, making me realize how odd I must look just staring at him. I diverted my gaze back to the Barbie, who finally seemed to be wrapping up her speech.

    "...and that's how I met a legendary when I was ten years old, and an ancient prophecy foretold of my saving the world!"

    "Neat story, B," I said dryly, focusing back on the handsome guy to her right. "And just who might you be, handsome?" I might have said that more flirtatiously than I'd liked, but he flashed me a bright smile that made me realize he certainly didn't mind it.

    "Name's Adam. Adam Stu. Pleasure to meet you, Rachel."

    His voice was deep. I loved it. I could feel myself melting in front of him.

    I gave a weak laugh, twirling my hair around my finger. "Hahahah.. Pleasure. Yeah... Pleasure."

    The barbie's expression turned from exuberant pride to fiercely territorial, her head tilting to the side as she said through gritted teeth, "Adam here is the star athlete of our local trainer school. He's won every Pokeathlon you can compete in with rented Pokemon, and Oak's chosen the three of us to get his starter Pokemon. They offered to give Adam here a permanent position as a Pokeathlon trainer at the academy, but he turned it down." She arched an eyebrow and gave me a smug smile. "He'd rather travel with me," she paused afterwards, hoping to get the point across, before quickly adding, "and Steve here."

    The red-haired boy waved, glancing over at Adam with... Wait... What? I could feel my heart breaking.

    "Every girl for miles has been asking him out, but I think he has a special someone in mind, if you get my drift. I think it's just a matter of time before he finds the right girl." She giggled, looking over at him dreamily as I realized what was actually going on.

    Adam stared back at Steve, smiling, as the barbie doll turned and stared me down with apparent bloodlust. Just like that, my quick infatuation was shattered. Sadly... I don't think the girl had gotten the hint he wasn't interested just yet. Adam walked over to Steve, leaning in closely and whispering something in the boy's ear that made him blush and giggle.

    So that's how it is, eh? No wonder he's been turning down all those girls.

    "Yeah... I dunno, B," I chuckled, slinging the garbage bag over my shoulder. "I'm starting to think he's not really looking for a girl right now."

    The girl's face went bright red. "What's that supposed to mean?!" For a split second, I could actually see the anger on her face. She quickly regained control, however. She smiled and cocked her head, looking me up and down with disdain. "Well... We'll see about that, won't we?"

    I giggled, wondering when the girl would realize her and the rest of them had been barking up the wrong tree for quite a while now. "Nice to meet you all. Adam, I think you and I should enter one of those Pokeathlon tournaments sometime. I have a feeling we're both, uh, playing for the same team."

    Adam seemed oblivious to what I was implying, straightening up before the Barbie looked back at him and Steve. "Yeah, sure. I'd like that," he said with a smile, Steve nuzzling up against his arm.

    "And by the way," the girl mentioned dryly, "my name's Mary. Mary Sue. I don't know who this 'Barbie' is, but I think you got her confused with me. Wouldn't want you running around town not knowing the important people."

    I rolled my eyes. "Right. Wouldn't want that at all."

    "Anyways," the girl huffed, obviously annoyed by my hitting on her object of affection, "if you don't mind, we need to jet. I've got to work on my speech... Only about ten minutes 'till it starts, and I'd just hate to get it wrong. This is my defining moment - I'm finally starting my journey. Everyone's going to be watching me. I'm..." She looked me up and down, frowning at my outfit - what, she has a problem with black tops and blue jeans? " I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy people staring at you, right? At least, not how you look right now."

    This girl was getting to be a little too much for my taste. Something told me that having all those people staring at her and worshiping the ground she walked on was pretty much the focus of her entire life. What a diva.

    "Steve, wanna stand by me during the ceremony?" Adam asked with a wink, flexing his abundant muscles. The red-haired boy smirked, nodding his head. Seeing her chance as they began to talk, Mary leaned in towards me.

    "Could we speak for a second, sweetie?"

    A pang of revulsion washed through me. Sweetie? Calm yourself, Rachel. You promised Dad you wouldn't hit anyone the first day in town. I took a deep breath, trying my hardest to relax.

    "Sure, Mary. What's on your mind?" We walked a little ways away from the two boys, Mary looking back and flashing Adam the biggest smile she could muster before turning back to me with a frown.

    "I know why you're picking up those soda cans. You're a thief." The girl said the last word with such disdain that, almost instinctively, my fist clenched.

    "And you're a stuck up diva. We all can't be perfect." The girl continued on, pretending she hadn't heard what I'd just said.

    "Look, Rachel, I hope you change - I'd love to be... I dunno, friends or something, but I won't tolerate delinquents flirting with Adam. He's mine."

    I busted out laughing, trying to clasp a hand over my mouth to keep from drawing attention. "No, 'sweetie,' he really isn't. I don't think you get that he's - "

    "Perfect? I know he is, and I also know you're a thief. Steal him from me and you'll regret it."

    Just like that, all the humor was gone. "Are you threatening me, Barbie doll?" Instinctively I stepped closer, reminding her that I was taller than most girls our age in the most intimidating way I could. I glared down at her, my arms crossed in front of my chest. "You might want to rethink that."

    The girl stood her ground, glaring back. "All I'm saying is that this is a very big day for me. If some no-good thief ruins it, there'll be hell to pay. Understand?"

    Before I could say a word, Adam and Steve walked over to either side of Mary with a smile on their face.

    "What's up, you two? Best friends already?" Adam said with a genuine smile, patting Mary on the back. "Miss congeniality over here, I guess! Glad we could get you situated in town on your first day!"

    Mary gave a high-pitched, fake laugh, flashing her white teeth as always. "Oh, Adam! You're so sweet! We were just talking about how scared Rachel here is of crowds! How odd, right?"

    I scowled. "Yeah, you know me. Can't stand the limelight. I hear it totally flushes you out and adds ten pounds." I paused, grinning, before adding, "Oh no! Mary, I think it's already starting!"

    The girl's jaw dropped. "It... W-what?"

    "Oh no!" Steve said worriedly, patting her on the back. "Mary, I think she's right!"

    Her chin began to quiver as she stared at him, horrified. "I... I..." She looked as if she were about to go into an asthma attack - her chest began to heave up and down and her hands began to shake as she felt her stomach, wondering if the ten pounds were noticeable. "I need to go get ready!" she cried, panic-stricken, before running off towards a stage in the center of the park. I hadn't realized it, but people were already beginning to gather in the park - all ages, shapes, and sizes, from young and skinny to old and fat. Towards the stage there was just about no room to even see the grass. I had no idea there were even that many people in Pallet Town.

    Steve frowned, looking after her. "Poor thing," he said softly. "I need to go do her make-up. This could end up being a fashion disaster. Who's she fooling, wearing white?"

    "Right... And there's still that Fearow nest in the tree above Mary's platform. I'm gonna go ask if they've gotten rid of it by now. Don't want it causing any trouble." Adam smirked, walking closely with the boy towards the center stage. He turned back to face me as he walked, giving me a peace sign as he yelled one final thing. "Nice meeting you, Rachel! If you're picking up pop cans, I think there were a few left by the creek. Glad you've realized we've all gotta do our part to make sure the park is clean!"

    I frowned, glancing over at the creek a few yards away. Sure enough, he was right. Despite the extra work he just dished out, I had to admit, that boy was cool. Too bad he was teamed up with the little barbie doll, or I could've seen a friend in him and his little boy-toy. With a sigh I walked over and knelt down, picking up the can and plopping it in my bag. That had better be the last of those stupid things, or I swear I'll -

    "Poli! Poli!"

    I crinkled my nose, glancing around. What the hell was that?


    My eyes fell upon a strange feather sticking out from behind a stump nearby, near-transparent with a blue line going down the middle. Was the noise coming from there? Still on my knees, I crawled over, wondering just what could be going on. Upon closer inspection, the feather looked... organic, almost. There weren't any ridges in it - it was totally smooth, and somewhat wet...


    I laughed as I glanced behind the stump, realizing how stupid I was. The 'feather' was attached to a tiny oval blue body with two small feet sticking out from its bottom, a white circle on its middle with a black spiral pattern filling it.

    Right. A Poliwag. Duh.

    "What the hell are you doing over here?" I asked, tilting my head. "And what's with the whining?"

    The Poliwag seemed to notice me, it's eyes widening with fear as it screamed "Poliii!" and shot out a stream of water into my face. I spluttered, stumbling backwards and landing on my butt as it began to frantically whimper and whine while kicking its legs.

    I wiped the water from my face, my mascara running. "What was that for, runt?!" I hissed, staggering to my feet and stomping my black boot to the ground in anger. "I can help, you know!"

    The Poliwag settled down slightly, shuddering as it stared up at me.


    "Still so happy about the water gun? Maybe I should just leave you here to rot - "

    "Polii! Poliii!"

    I sighed, bending over and picking it up. "Let me guess... You waddled out of that little creek to see what all the fuss was about today and you fell over? Those little legs aren't really the best for walking, and you don't exactly have arms to pick yourself back up... Heh. Useless."

    The Poliwag's eyes narrowed as it shot another blast of water into my face.

    "Alright! Alright! I take it back!"

    I spluttered and wiped my face off with my arm as it huffed indignantly. "Jeeze... You're quite the firecracker, aren't you?"

    I bent over, placing it on the stump and kneeling down to look it in the eyes. "That better, runt?"

    The Poliwag looked off to the side, it's eyes narrowed in either embarrassment or anger. Heh. Maybe both.

    "Look, I'm just giving you crap. Happens to the best of us, you know?" The Poliwag stared up at me, its expression lightening. "Though I don't think I've ever been stuck on my back before like that..." I cracked up, laughing my heart out before getting nailed with another blast of water.

    'Kay. I should've seen that one coming. As I dried off my face, I couldn't help but gain some respect for the little thing. It really was happy to defend itself. "You're not all bad, you know that, Squirt? I like you." The Poliwag's face flushed as it turned to look towards the creek in embarrassment.

    "Poli! Poli!"

    "Right... The creek. Duh. One sec, I'll put you right back in there."

    I straightened up, stretched, and as I went to grab the tiny Poliwag -

    A loud squawking filled the air as a large orange bird flew by in a split second, picking up the tiny water-type in its talons and swooping away. "What the hell?!" I screamed, whirling around to watch the large bird nestle inside a tree above the center stage. Beneath it, an old man in a lab coat walked on stage, introducing himself as some kind of tree and staying that he was glad to be here today. I shook my head, realizing that wasn't important now. That stupid Fearow had Poliwag. I wasn't exactly sure what a person was supposed to do in a situation like this, but I didn't really care.

    I dashed towards the tree at full speed, soon reaching the crowd of people lining up for Barbie's speech. A familiar face turned towards me up ahead, waving ecstatically.

    "Angsty! Angsty! Over here! Come stand by me!" Jill yelled elatedly, jumping up and down. Great. Just what I needed.

    "Can't right now, Chippy!" I yelled as I rushed by, nearing the tree. "Gotta do something first. I'll be over in a second!"

    Jill beamed as I dashed by, leaning in towards a woman who, from her expression, didn't seem to know her at all. "That's my best friend, Rachel," she said proudly. "She calls me Chippy. I call her Angsty. It's our thing." The elderly lady stared at the officer disbelievingly before muttering something irritably and listening to the Professor's speech once more.

    I finally reached the base of the tree, now able to hear Poliwag's cries from somewhere in the branches. It had been a while since I'd climbed a tree, but I guess there's only one way to remember, right? I hugged the tree, shimmying up a few feet before placing one of my feet on a sturdy branch. Instantly I began to climb, Poliwag's cries distorted from the leaves.

    "There's a lot of people out there who wonder what it's like being me," Mary's voice rang out from somewhere beneath me. God, she's self-righteous. "Well, all I have to tell them is this: it's a lot of hard work and dedication. You have to be ready to put forth a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to become the best!"

    I rolled my eyes, reaching up and grabbing another branch to pull myself up. It quivered and, for a split second, I almost worried that it would snap, but thankfully it held. I glanced over and could finally see Fearow's nest - it was on a branch right above head-level a few feet over. I shimmied over and raised myself onto the branch, praying to Arceus that it didn't snap as I began to crawl down it towards the humongous nest made of twigs and branches at the other end. At least this branch is huge, I thought to myself. It'd be my luck that it didn't hold and I'd go hurtling down.

    The large Fearow was preening itself on a branch several feet above as three small Spearows squawked hungrily in its nest, cornering the tiny Poliwag now cowering in fear right ahead of me.

    "Poli! Poli!" It squealed, blasting one with a shot of water as the other two advanced greedily. Poor thing - it wouldn't stop quaking.

    It better be happy I'm doing this, I thought to myself angrily. Not many things get this level of attention. Guess I'm just in a giving mood today or something.

    The Fearow seemed unaware of my presence as I reached the nest, quickly wrapping my right arm around the nervous Poliwag. It let out a surprised cry, struggling at first but soon realizing it was me. The flock of baby Spearow squawked angrily, rushing in and pecking at my arm as I let out a small squeal of pain. "Get off!" I growled, trying my hardest to back up but beginning to lose my balance. The three baby Spearow continued to squawk, bitterly flapping their wings as they dug into my arm.

    "Stop!" I hissed, the Poliwag beginning to cry loudly as the Spearow tried to get to it through my arm. My worst fear came true, however: the Fearow stopped preening itself, glaring down at me.

    You're kidding me, right?! I can't get a break!

    "And so, with that hard work in mind, I," Mary Sue's voice rang out from below, followed by a fake giggle, "Mary Sue, wish you all a fantastic evening before the start of my journey! May you enjoy the parade and the commencement ceremony that follows!"

    I began scooting backwards as fast as I could, the Poliwag shivering uncontrollably in my arms, but it was too late. With a mighty, ear-piercing screech, the Fearow unfurled its large wings, the gust of wind that came from the action making me lose my balance and fall off to the side. I screamed at the top of my lungs, hurtling down and crashing into a flimsy table a dozen feet below. From the corner of my eye I could barely see a large bowl propelled through the air right towards center stage, but there were more important things to worry about for now. The Fearow let out another screech that was drowned out by one much, much louder - gasping for breath, I turned around to see Mary Sue stained red, flopping a large plastic bowl down on her platform in front of her.

    "Rachel!" she screamed, her hands balling into fists as she leapt towards me. Her high-heeled shoes, however, had something much different in mind, apparently. As she slipped and fell forward I staggered to my feet, glancing down at the Poliwag.

    "Are you alright?!" I asked breathlessly. The Poliwag wheezed, but nodded its head. I glanced back up, noticing the Fearow burst through the branches into the sky. Horrified screams rang out from behind me, followed by nearly a dozen loud crashes, one right after another. I glanced back just in time to see Mary emerge from the middle of a ridiculously over-decorated float, her face bright red with anger.

    This isn't going to end well. I just know it.

    The ceremony was ruined. The table was broken beyond repair. Mary Sue was furious. Everyone was staring at the wrecked parade, horrified, except for one person: Officer Sue had his arms crossed in front of his chest, his face bright red with anger as he gave me a death glare. Something told me that I was going to be serving more than just community service once he got his hands on me.

    Time to get away.

    I began to limp away towards the outskirts of town as fast as I could, but it was too late. "You! Mary Sue screamed. "You did this! You ruined me!" I turned around in time to see her pick up her broken high heel and fling it at me, missing me by miles. Guess she was about as athletic as she was humble. My body was beginning to recover from the fall already, though my right arm was badly damaged. I began to dash as fast as I could, jumping over the creek in a single leap. From behind me I could hear the diva scream at the top of her lungs, "Get her! Get Rachel!"

    The entire town seemed to roar in agreement, and soon the sound of hundreds of feet stomping on grass chased after me. I looked back, horrified, as the entire town rushed after me, some people crossing the creek in a single leap and the others wading through it in a couple seconds. Behind them, however, was the biggest blow I'd gotten all day - my father stayed behind, staring at the ruined parade with his head bowed in shame as the sun began to set.

    Great... His first day as Chief of Police and his daughter ruins something like this. He's gonna hate me.

    My father glanced over and, for a split second, I could have sworn we made eye contact. Mary Sue finally got out of the float and began to chase after me as well, followed by Adam and Steve, as Dad shook his head in shame.

    I could feel the tears beginning to form, but I pretended not to care. Screw him. Screw them all. I don't even care. This is stupid. Who is he to be ashamed of me?! I was helping a Pokemon! I continued to run, the edge of town several dozen yards away, but the townspeople were gaining. I glanced back once more only to see Officer Sue and Jill leading the horde; despite the tears I couldn't help but smile as Jill turned to Officer Sue and yelled delightedly, "you know this girl we're chasing?! She's my best friend! She calls me 'Chippy!' I call her 'Angsty!' It's our thing!"

    I didn't know what her problem was, but at least she was endearing. Guess she never made many friends.

    "Give up now, Rachel! You don't want the police after you!" Chris roared, closing in on me. I could hear his large boots slamming on the ground behind me as he dashed closer and closer. "You're already going to get hit with a pretty hard time for this - don't make it worse!"

    "Screw you!" I yelled out, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wasn't about to face my father. Not after this. I just burned that bridge. "I didn't do anything!"

    "Stealing, destroying our holiday, and now lying, too? You have no shame, do you?!"

    I looked back at my target: the tree line forming the boundary lines of Pallet Town. I rushed towards them as quickly as I could, but it was no use. I could almost feel Officer Sue's hands on me.

    That was when it happened - a death defying screech filled the air, followed by a large gust of wind that nearly knocked me off my feet as Fearow swooped over my head.

    "What the hell?!" Officer Sue yelled out from only a few feet behind me. "What's it doing here?!"

    The Fearow circled back up ahead, its talons outstretched as it swooped down towards me. I screamed at the top of my lungs, Poliwag doing the same, but my instincts kicked in before I could even realize it: in a split second I had jumped through the air, hit the ground, and now rolled across the ground in a near-fetal position in order to protect Poliwag. The talons barely missed me as I rolled, instead hitting Officer Sue square on. He screamed at the top of his lungs as the bird picked him up and, in anger, dropped him into the crowd. Several people screamed, running over to help him as he staggered to his feet and the bird circled back.

    Horrified, I jumped to my feet and began to run even faster as night began to descend upon Pallet Town. Crap, crap, crap. That wasn't what I wanted at all. He's going to kill me.

    I shot into the thick clump of trees, disappearing in the shadows as Fearow circled overhead. It screeched angrily, zooming back down towards the group of people and this time picking up Mary Sue, dropping her a few feet away. She screamed my name as she staggered to her feet and realized that her white dress now had a large cut running across its center.

    I bit my lip, tears running down my cheeks as I began to run through the night towards Viridian City, keeping between the trees in hopes of some sort of cover. As soon as I couldn't hear the din anymore, I stopped and leaned against a tree, trying my hardest to catch my breath.

    I'd just burned all my bridges in Pallet Town. They're going to kill me for that. And Dad... My lip began to quiver, but I couldn't help it anymore. Dad... A large sob that I'd been holding in was let loose into the night, and before I knew it I was on the ground crying.

    Why couldn't I be like Sarah? Why didn't I just become a trainer like he'd always wanted? She never would have ruined him like this. If they fired Dad from the force...

    I steeled myself, wiping the tears from my face. I had to face reality: I just ran from police. I'm wanted for Arceus knows what, and I'm on the run now.

    A small whimper arose from my left, knocking me from my thoughts. Poliwag nudged my leg gently, staring up at me with a worried look in its eye. "Poli?" it asked caringly, nuzzling against me. "Poli...?"

    My lip began to quiver again. "Stupid little Squirt, getting caught by a Fearow. What were you thinking?"
    The Poliwag continued staring up at me, rested against my leg. I continued on. "I- I'm sorry... I never put you back in that stupid creek. It's too late for me to bring you back... I'm going to have to leave you here. You can find your way back, right?"

    The Poliwag huffed, blasting me with another spray of water. I squealed, protecting my face but still getting soaked.

    "What was that for?!" I cried out, lowering my arms cautiously in case it was about to spray me yet again.

    "Poli! Poli!" It began dashing forward towards Viridian City before falling flat on its face and squealing.

    "What...?" I walked over and put it back onto its feet, cocking my head. "P-Pallet Town's the other way, you little runt." I was somewhat glad for the water on my face this time, however - I had realized I wasn't done crying. I still couldn't hide the tears in my voice, though.

    Poliwag puffed up what I assumed was its chest and began darting towards Viridian City once more before falling on its face again. I couldn't help but chuckle, walking over and picking it up.

    "Do... Do you want to come with me? Is that what you're saying?"

    "Poli! Poli!" It kicked its legs feverishly, trying its hardest to get back on its feet.

    I smiled, picking it back up and placing it on my lap.

    "You're... You're sure? Honestly? 'Cause... You might be able to make it back to Pallet Town, you know."

    The Poliwag grinned at me, nodding its head.

    After a day like this, I didn't think it was possible for me to be happy. But this... I gave the tiny creature a hug, trying my hardest not to cry again. Arceus, I hated all this stupid crying. I hadn't cried for years.

    "Heh... What was I thinking, right? You can't even make it two feet without falling flat on your face. There's no way you could've gotten to Pallet Town."

    Poliwag squirmed out of my arms, blasting me once more with a spray of water as it yelled out angrily. I wiped the water off my face, laughing to myself softly.

    I may be on the run, but at least I'm not alone.


    "What your daughter did is inexcusable!" Officer Sue hollered, slamming his fist down on Chief Summers' desk. His face was bright red with anger, his eyes focused into narrow slits. "We lost her due to that stupid bird, and there's no telling where she's going or what she'll do! I want her cuffed and jailed this instant!"

    Chief Summers gazed down at his desk, depression etched into his face. "I..." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "I agree. We'll form a search party instantly."

    "No need!" Jill piped up, looking at Barry with a smile. "We'll do it, sir!"

    Both Chris and Chief Summers shared a worried look, but they both realized they had no choice - those were the only two people they had at their disposal. "Arceus... Rachel's as good as free."

    "No she isn't!"

    The door to the Chief's office swung open as Mary Sue stormed in, her stained dress shredded to pieces after the fight with Fearow. "I'll make her pay for ruining my ceremony! She won't get away if I have anything to say about it!"

    Officer Sue smirked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Well... You do have a Pokemon now... You're starting your journey anyways."

    Chief Summers ran a hand through his hair, picking up the phone on his desk. "I guess I have no choice... I'll have to alert local authorities. The Officer Jennies need to know about this." He began to dial, but paused momentarily. "Rachel... What're we going to do with you? What were you thinking...?"

    "Then that settles it," Officer Sue said warmly, a soft grin spreading across his face. "She should be ours by morning."

    Jill grinned, her eyes bright. "Barry and I will head out to start looking for her, too! Won't we, Barry? It's the least that we could do!"

    Barry scratched his head, frowning. "I dunno. I'm... sort of hungry, Jill. I could use a sandwich before we start anything serious."

    "Then it's settled!" Jill exclaimed elatedly. "We'll head out immediately!" She squirmed in her spot with anticipation before quickly prodding Mary Sue. "Her and I are best friends, you know," she said with an air of pride. "She calls me 'Chippy.' I call her 'Angsty.' That's our thing."

    Mary Sue scowled, disregarding the comment. The girl's blonde hair fell in semi-red, frizzed strands around her face, her mascara running down her cheeks. Her voice was filled with contempt.

    "Don't worry, daddy. I won't stop until I get that girl. She's as good as yours."
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2012
  3. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie 桜咲くこの坂を今も上っている

    (Oh, now I understand why you split the chapter XD. I was thinking "Wait, the chapter can fit in one post, why'd you post it again?")

    It's now cemented: you want a different hero. You told me so in Within My Own Nightmares, but I figured it was mainly for that story. Guess you really do like a different hero, and I can see it here. Rachel, despite how you introduced her, doesn't seem like a villain to me at all (well duh, she probably isn't, even though she said so herself). I actually really like her. Granted, it could be because of how we flee from the name of Mary Sue, but I suppose this is more of a... deconstruction of a Mary Sue. She's nasty as can be while keeping a pretty face on around the people. That's an interesting take into a Mary Sue, I don't think I've seen that before. Mainly I've just found stories where the Mary Sue ends up dying at the end because it's a parody or something (actually, the first Mary Sue story DID end with her dying). I'm really excited about where you're going to take her.

    The chapter starts off with the action, so it can catch our attention and want us to keep reading to see what happened, how it led up to that. Good. You got me thinking Rachel is a trouble-maker who did it on purpose, while at the same time, you revealed that Mary Sue is rather nasty. When you turned back time to show what happened, Rachel's character turned out to be different. Sure, in passing between her father, we can see she does get in trouble a lot, but she has her heart in the right place all along--if begrudgingly. That's really interesting. I can't exactly remember a character like that at the moment, but it feels fresh, especially at the end where she is literally run out of town. THAT was unexpected.

    I like how the people of Pallet Town are perfect do-gooders (though some are wacky about it, I can see that in Jill, she's really such an eccentric person), and yet, they look up to the best of the best, and do what they say. It's pretty scary thinking about it. I can see that happening if Pallet Town was a village (well, it's small like one) back in the day, but not in a somewhat-modern day telling. You might not know what I'm mentioning here, but this is like Hinamizawa gone wrong, in a way. When a member of the village is attacked by a person, two will come back up the villager. If two people are fighting, then four fight back. If eight beats up a person, then sixteen join the brawl. The village looks after one another. Pallet Town feels the same way, but it's done wrongly. They are only following orders. It makes it even more creepily similar because Rachel is new, thus technically an outsider, and the respected village leader doesn't like outsiders. This story is what might happen had the main character of the show made a bad impression on himself moving into the village.

    (Sheesh, I must really have Higurashi on the brain.)

    Aw, damn, I don't remember what else I wanted to say about this first chapter. Well, I think I said what needed to be said anyway. The story's an interesting take on Mary Sue, and though it's not something I normally read (the feel of the story, not the idea of Mary Sue... much), it hooked me in. You're very easily becoming one of my favorite writers on this site, and hopefully you won't disappoint as this story continues. It's easy to get mixed up between two different stories, if one's not careful, they can slip up on one story while they cruise along well on the other. Just a heads-up there, though I think you've handled a few stories at once before.

    Put me on the PM list, please, and keep this up!
  4. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    I took this as a huge compliment, honestly. xD I really enjoy trying to think outside the box, even though I'm sure everything I do in stories won't always fit that description. The main character is one of the most important parts of the story, so if you make them some super-heroic do-gooder then... what's the point? Everyone knows what that's like, and you always know they'll end up taking the high road out of things. This story, as the title and beginning may suggest, isn't really about having a hero - I want a villain. :p Most of this story is me just having fun with writing while I maintain a plot, but there's one major thing I want to tackle with this that I touched on in my first paragraph: what makes a hero? Is it someone who has everything going for them and tries to do good for her own fame and glory, or is it the person who always breaks the rules and tends to be a total jerk with small moments of good deeds? There may not be an answer. xD I dunno. But... It'll be a fun concept to explore.

    Sorry for the major rant. I like to talk a lot. Hahah.

    I'm glad you enjoyed Rachel's personality. :p She's pretty much my new favorite person to write as, and I can't wait to keep exploring her personality. I think she's really fun, honestly, and maybe it's not great for an author to like his character so much. xD But whatever, I'll work on it. As for Mary Sue, I thought it'd be fun to show the complete opposite of what I'm going for - the ultimate "perfection" of a character where everything goes right. It's probably entirely clichéd by now to try and have a Mary Sue in a fic for comedic purposes, but I thought it'd be interesting to actually have your character compete against one. It's interesting to try showing the opposite side of Mary Sue; the one enemies have to see. Rest assured, you haven't seen the last of her. xD

    I thought the beginning would be a fun way to start the story, and I was hoping it may draw people in. The fact the chapter was huge probably drew most away afterwards, though. xD A lot had to happen, and thankfully, chapters won't really be that long again except once in a blue moon. I'm glad you enjoyed the trip through time to explain the events, too. ^^ Like I said before, Rachel's going to be fun to write about - she prefers to be bad and act like a complete smart-***, but she can't help but... well, help. Even if she doesn't want to. Who knows what kind of shenanigans this could get her into. xD The fact you seem to not recall a character like that gives me hope. I really enjoy making the main character stand out. ^^;;

    Yeah - in the animé and games everyone's so happy, cheery, and just... I dunno. If I were to live in it, it would strike me as Stepford wives-esque xD I figured since Rachel's a brat, having her in a town so perfect couldn't help but cause fiction and make them hate her. Well, all except Jill, who's another new favorite little character of mine. :p Entirely naive, with heart in the right place but with no grasp on reality. Lol. That's an interesting point, though - it is sort of creepy to think about. The whole town itself may have some cult-like qualities... Who knows? :p Either way, it's not the last that you've seen of Pallet Town, either. Hahah.

    I've got up to chapter ten of Within My Own Nightmares written out and edited, so I'm good with that for a few weeks, but once I'm caught up with it I'll probably rotate and do WMON one week, and The Villain the other. I want to make sure both of these stories continue on, since I already have so many ideas for them. xD I appreciate your compliments about my writing - I was worried the writing in this chapter wasn't the best, but I had so much fun writing it I couldn't help but put it up. I hope I don't disappoint in the future! :p

    Now, with that out of the way, I just have to say I can't wait to post Chapter Two. xD Like I said before, this is sort of a comedy-esque experiment with serious moments, and so basically this means using all the kinds of characters I could never really fit into Within My Own Nightmares. With Chapter Two, I'll finally get to try out a new one I've been meaning to have for a while - tied as my number two favorite character in this story with someone else I won't yet introduce. xD Hahah.
  5. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me Staff Member Moderator


    You have an interesting concept here. Rachel's characterization, thought process and dialogue are pretty solid and believable, and the writing is generally fine.

    But I have to say I do see where Farla's coming from regarding Rachel being just as much of a Sue as Mary, if not more so.

    Why? Well. You keep telling us Rachel is the villain, and Mary Sue is the hero. But throughout the story, you revel in how stupid, annoying and stuck-up Mary Sue is. Even in the third-person scene at the beginning, the one that's supposedly establishing Mary Sue as the "hero" before we see Rachel's point of view, she comes off as an arrogant brat, it's pretty obvious Rachel fell there by accident, and consequently Mary's fury at her feels unjustified and exaggerated. And as you go on to show Rachel's first encounter with Mary and her POV of what happened, this only reinforces that feeling - you show us Mary Sue is generally petty and mean-spirited even when she hasn't just had her dress ruined, and that she's stupidly oblivious to Adam's obvious gayness so she's just dumb, and that the reason Rachel was up there in the first place was because she was nobly trying to help a Poliwag (and not even, as I had previously assumed, simply trying to clean up the Fearow's nest, which would at least have been a poor choice to be doing at the exact time the speech is being made). You pile on reasons why we should like Rachel and dislike Mary - the fact you've established in the background that Rachel stole a shirt and that Mary has awesome grades and a legendary destiny does nothing to make us feel Mary is the "hero" here. She does not in any way come across as a traditional storybook hero; in fact, she comes off more or less exactly like the stereotypical "popular girl" high school drama villain.

    This means you never really make it remotely convincing that anyone would take Mary's side here. Rachel just fell out of a tree; real people would be running to help, asking if she's all right, or at least what she was doing in that tree, but no, you have a mob - all smitten with Mary Sue's nonexistent charm - chase her out of town, as if falling out of a tree is a crime worse than murder.

    And that's what Sues are all about: the world doesn't react realistically to them. Everybody hates Rachel for no good reason; even her own father is bowing his head in shame when all she's done is fall out of a tree at an unfortunate moment. You make it clear to the reader that it's for no good reason - you make sure we know that it's unfair, and Rachel really doesn't deserve any of this, so we should sympathize with her - but the characters are all just too stupid and mean and unfair to realize it. This is a standard Sue-pattern, just like the one where everyone loves her - the world is being used in contrived ways to make us feel sorry for the main character, instead of feeling like it exists independently of her and the characters in it have minds of their own.

    So. Your concept, as far as I can tell, is meant to be following a character who would ordinarily be the villain, against the character who would ordinarily be the hero. However, as you've set up the characters, this comes off as more or less a variation on the standard high school drama conflict - the new, troubled girl versus the arrogant, stuck-up popular girl - and the roles work out exactly how we'd normally expect the roles to work out in that conflict - the new, troubled girl is the hero and the arrogant, stuck-up popular girl is the villain.

    I feel this would work better if you made more of an effort to make Mary genuinely come off as a character someone could like. If she were actually nice and appeared to have a real sense of justice, it would be much easier to buy her as the hero of her own story, and thus the idea that Rachel is really "the villain". This would mean you'd have to be more careful with Rachel, of course; if you made Mary genuinely nice but kept the way Rachel internally mocks her and puts her down at every opportunity, we'd simply end up hoping Rachel dies in a fire, so you'd have to make Rachel's POV somewhat more sympathetic as well (but that should really happen automatically if Mary isn't as insufferable, since then Rachel has less reason to mock her).

    Make us understand why, even though Mary is the hero of her own story, Rachel in particular would resent her. Make Rachel do something that would actually sensibly warrant Mary making her her sworn enemy, even if we can understand from Rachel's point of view why she does it. For instance, perhaps Mary, the goody-two-shoes, is horrified by the fact Rachel is a thief, advocates harsh punishment for it, and is generally convinced that she's a criminal and a bad person (leaving her crush on Adam entirely out of it), and Rachel is hostile towards her because of that; that would make for something that genuinely sounds like it could be a perspective-flip on a traditional journey fic (where the main character often faces off against criminals that the narrative treats unsympathetically) and make Mary sound at least semi-reasonable even while Rachel's POV is the more sympathetic one when we know her side of the story. Or, you know, you can do something else. Point is, for your concept to work properly the way you want it to, we need to feel like Mary could be the hero, and currently we decidedly do not feel that way.

    Some other, less important stuff I found worthy of comment:

    Since the story is written in past tense, this should be "She had just graduated from trainer school".

    Likewise, these heroic qualities were what made Professor Oak choose her.

    I've got to wonder why in this fic suddenly only special heroes get to pick starter Pokémon, and they can't do it until they're eighteen. That sounds nothing like any kind of canon and really like they'd be kind of ridiculous out there with their special barely-trained starter Pokémon when most trainers would have just gotten themselves a Pokémon years earlier and have been training all that time. (Or that's what I'd assume from how canon works - otherwise, if only special heroes get to have Pokémon normally, that would make for awfully few trainers existing in the world. Or, if you just have to be eighteen to train Pokémon either way but only special heroes get official starters, that should still completely change how the world works out - instead of a hobby adventure thing kids do to travel the world, make friends and learn how to take care of themselves, Pokémon training would become this expensive waste of time that losers do instead of getting a real job after they finish school. I mean, the only way you're going to make a serious living being a trainer is if you're a particularly good one - as with competitive sports in the real world - and you don't get particularly good at training without experience actually training Pokémon; if you're getting your first Pokémon at eighteen, it's going to be a while before your Pokémon are strong enough for you to be making any kind of a living off it, and part of that is just going to be before you find out if you actually have the talent to be any good to begin with. Either way really changes the dynamics and meaning of Pokémon training around in a way you'd have to seriously think about.)

    I don't think I've ever seen anyone have an asthma attack, so I was kind of clueless as to what this actually meant. I was picturing her gasping for breath and it all just came out very strange. Later in the chapter you actually describe what you mean by "as if she was about to have an asthma attack", but it would be nice to do that here.

    The fact we don't get any details on exactly where she stole that shirt from and what the circumstances were makes it hard to gauge just how seriously to take "but I was just borrowing it!" - that could be semi-credible but it could also be a ridiculous excuse on the level of "the dog ate my homework". We don't get to know which, and it makes it hard to determine what we should really make of the whole thieving scenario - we have no idea how reasonable anyone is really being about it or how serious a crime it was, so it kind of fails to have the proper character setup purpose it should. I'd add a bit more detail on it if I were you.

    Jill and Barry bug me. They're comically stupid characters; they'd feel at home in a setting where the characters are generally ridiculous, but here you have Rachel and her father just being real, normal people having a real, normal conversation while in the background there are these two idiots who are so exaggeratedly dumb and generally strange that they sound like they come out of one of those zany cartoons. They feel completely out of place. You can't put characters like this into a setting where comedy overriding characterization isn't the norm; in this context, Jill comes off as severely mentally challenged rather than simply "chipper", and that makes it just feel vaguely disturbing rather than funny when Jill happily declares Rachel her "best friend", fails to pick up on her sarcasm and general contempt for her, and goes on to excitedly tell random people about it - it seems like something my boyfriend's autistic brother would do.

    You're missing some sort of punctuation before that closing quote, likely a period.

    This did amuse me, though, assuming the reference to internet piracy was intended.

    I'm not sure I really get what you mean by this; it seems to imply you mean he's smiling for real, since smiling "simply because it was nice outside" doesn't exactly imply he means it and saying he's not just doing that anymore implies now he does. In context, however, I'd have expected him to be smiling in some kind of a cold or threatening manner, which is exactly the opposite. If that's what you meant, I'd reword this somehow, because right now it seems to imply "his smile wasn't genuine before, but it was now".

    Words like "why", "well", "say", etc. injected at the beginning of a sentence that could stand without them should have a comma after them.

    It seems manifestly odd that she wouldn't have noticed what the boys who have been standing right by Mary's side all along look like until now. I mean, even before Mary actually started talking to her, Rachel was approaching them - she'd have had plenty of time to at least briefly glance at the group and notice one of them is Mr. Sexy, instead of her gaze being so fixated on Mary that she doesn't even notice properly he's there until she's looking around for more garbage she could pick up. When I look at a group of people one of whom is a hot guy, at least, my eyes are pretty quick to notice that the hot guy is indeed hot.

    Amusing as this is, it really doesn't make sense as the end of a speech.

    Adam and Steve really aren't acting like people here. If Adam genuinely wants Mary to think he could be interested in her, one would expect him to at least keep the public flirting with Steve to a minimum - even if he knows she's thick, he should at least be worrying Rachel might spell out the obvious - while under any other circumstance he should at the very least feel extremely awkward here as Mary is talking about him like a piece of meat she's planning to buy, even if he doesn't want to make it explicit that he's not interested for one reason or another.

    I do like that you named them Adam and Steve, though. Subtle but amusing.

    Again with the talking about him like he isn't standing right there. It's just bizarre that he stands there simply listening to this conversation without wanting to say anything or even finding it weird and embarrassing. Would you just stand there smiling and nodding if two people one of whom you don't even know were having a conversation right in front of you about your sexual orientation and whether you're interested in one of them? Perhaps even more importantly, would you ever discuss somebody's sexual orientation and whether they're interested in some particular person with a third party while standing right in front of them? Mary could be doing it because she's just that socially oblivious, but the fact Rachel, who isn't, is participating in it without a second thought makes it very weird. They can have this conversation sometime when he's not right there.

    Isn't it "to burst out laughing", not "bust"?

    (Also, I see where Farla's coming from with the bashing-the-Sue-while-the-Stu-gets-off-scot-free thing, too. You made the Sue into a laughingstock who's obviously petty and mean and stupid and even though she's pretty we're assured she's a fashion disaster in the making, but even Rachel the "villain" thinks the Stu is pretty awesome. Is there a reason you went the antagonized parody route with the Sue but kept the Stu as just a fairly standard 'perfect' Stu character, only relegated to a background role? One would expect a fic that makes fun of a Sue and also has a Stu in it to also make fun of the Stu in a similar fashion, but there's no sign of that here.)

    You never state the Poliwag is lying on its back until Rachel is thinking aloud about how it got there, and by that point the reader has been scratching their head over why Rachel is so sure it needs "help" when it's just standing there spraying water at her for a bit. The fact it's on its back is unusual - it's something Rachel, and by extension the reader, should notice immediately upon seeing it.

    Its, possessive.

    It seems really weird that neither Mary Sue nor anybody watching the speech would have noticed that on a branch just above the refreshments table, there's a screaming Poliwag in a Fearow's nest, and a girl is climbing the tree. I mean, at the very least I'd have expected Mary Sue to look up in annoyance trying to find the source of the sound that's interrupting her speech, and then she'd see the nest and probably Rachel as well. In the third-person scene at the beginning you made it sound like Rachel just fell out of nowhere, like she'd been quietly spying on Mary after hiding within the tree since before the speech began or something; now that we see that actually what's going on in the tree ought to have been making a lot of noise and drawing attention for a while, and that Rachel just started climbing this tree that's clearly located just beside the stage, and that since the Spearow start pecking her she's also speaking, it becomes kind of hard to swallow that Rachel falling out of the tree could have come that out of the blue for either the audience or Mary - I'd expect them to have noticed and reacted long before that.

    What kind of damage? It's hard to ascertain what she means by "badly damaged", especially when she doesn't appear to be in pain or otherwise incapacitated as far as we can tell. Is it broken or just scraped? We can't tell. If her arm is anything that could be called badly damaged, we should notice it in her first-person narration - is pain shooting through it? Is it bleeding? Can she move it - does it hurt to? These are all things that should be at the forefront of a first-person narrator's mind after being hurt, instead of there being one off-hand mention of "bad damage" several paragraphs after it happens.

    You want a second line break there.

    This is just so bizarre I have to boggle at it again - how can her father the police chief not see that falling out of a tree in a way that happens to disrupt some silly ceremony isn't a crime?

    There should be a comma after "No"; it's another one of those common words added onto the beginning of sentences that still make sense without them, so they need a comma after them.

    She's using "Daddy" as a name here, so it should be capitalized. (You can always tell if words like "dad" and "mom" should be capitalized by trying to insert the person's name instead - if it works, it needs a capital letter, whereas if it doesn't, such as any context involving "my mom", it's not capitalized.)

    So yeah. Like I said, this is an interesting concept and I actually quite like Rachel's characterization and most of the writing, but you really need to watch the believability of how other characters react and relate to her, and because Mary Sue is made so obviously unlikeable, the villain-POV aspect of this currently doesn't actually come out that way, in the end.

    I'll try to follow this, though you should always take it with a grain of salt when I say that, since I have a horrible tendency to fall behind on fics that I fully intend to read.
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012
  6. Tropius07

    Tropius07 Kickin' Grass!

    Love it!
    I especially enjoy the way you incorporate wild Pokemon as, well, wild
    I hope more of this comes into play, and how her adventure unfolds will be interesting to see
    Mary Sue is quite the little peach, and I must say that some of your characters are just as fun to read about! I suppose that I love them because their personalities either mesh or don't work at all with Rachel's.
    Over all, I can't wait to see more of this story!
  7. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Sorry for the horrible delay in my replying to this thread. D: Uni was hectic this week, so I didn't get much time to really come over and give a detailed reply. I'd just like to thank the two of you for reading this and replying, first of all. :D I appreciate it.

    Well, to start off, I'll say I appreciate the fact you find Rachel's characterization and my writing to be fine. :)

    I'm actually really glad you pointed this out. Like I've mentioned to other people before, this is an entirely new concept for me and I've never done or really read anything like it in this fandom. Though I had fun writing it, I'll admit it was done in haste and some of these concepts never crossed my mind. I was thinking of going along with a "Mary Sue is a narcissistic brat and my character is semi-flawed but cool" approach since it seemed enjoyable, but like you and others have pointed out, it doesn't fit the concept. That actually made my day once I realized just what was off from that. xD

    This was really interesting to me. People focus so much on the Mary Sue concept where everyone loves her and the world bends over backwards to make sure everything goes her way, so I figured doing the exact opposite would be a break from it. It sounds rather stupid, but I guess I never really thought that if the world was bending over backwards just to make the character's life suck that it wouldn't be Mary Sue at all.


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