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They Are Waiting (Creepypasta)

Luxvan

Mozilla Fennekin
Hey, what's up? I made a creepypasta a few days ago and posted it on FanFiction but I want to get as much word as I can on this. It's not my first Pokémon story but it is my first creepypasta. I myself don't deem it very haunting but I did what I could while doing my best to avoid clichés and also left some small details unexplained so you can wonder yourself why these things happened the way they did.
My FanFiction is here, http://www.fanfiction.net/u/4091663/. I hope you enjoy!


Pokémon tries to teach several things about you. Strategy, adventure, friendship, courage… What I never realized was how critical these themes could be.

I got Pokémon SoulSilver in 2010 for my birthday, which was at the end of the year, so combining that with Christmas, I had a lot of gift money to spend on anything I wanted. With Crystal being my favorite of the Pokémon games (And yes, I've played them all, though also noting that Black/White wasn't out at the time), there wasn't any reason to not have it. Needless to say, I enjoyed it. I had a hell of a time visiting the old and new places of Johto and Kanto, recreating my love for the old fan-favorites.

But one day I lost the game. It was mid-late 2011, though that was only when I realized it was missing. I wasn't playing the game often anymore, especially since Black was my new favorite game. I desperately searched for this game, all to no avail. Must've fallen out of my pocket at school or something. The crappiest part is that this was not just Pokémon and items from SoulSilver, but everything that I migrated from Platinum and Emerald, altogether exceeding 400 hours. And it was taken from right under my nose.

Not forever, though… I managed to find it one day when I went through some old stuff still thrown in boxes from when my family moved around the time I lost the game. Granted, I had already searched these boxes for the game, but I guess **** just happens like that sometimes…

Needless to say, I was overridden by excitement. I couldn't wait to see my old friends again and spend typically boring days exploring new possibilities. I found my DS Lite, blew on the SS cartridge for a while (I got the game used and it sometimes wouldn't boot if I didn't blow on it, and especially since it's been in a dusty, cluttered place for over a year, it definitely needed to be cleaned out), swapped it with Black, made sure the sound was on, took out the stylus, and booted the game up. A bit to my surprise, the game started without any problems. I smiled as I watched the intro movie and found my save file still intact at Indigo Plateau.

…Or so I thought.

For whatever reason, the music wasn't working. There was absolute silence in the game. I slid my finger across the volume slider just to make sure, even though the intro had working sound. Maybe the sound got damaged when it was in the box? I was pretty sure on that thought, but I quickly noticed that the mart clerk and Nurse Joy weren't at their positions. I also remember an escalator leading downstairs to the WiFi sections being at the right, but that wasn't here either. Very strange to me. However, a bit of relief for me, my beloved Feraligatr that I named Lasso (long story why) was standing behind me like normal. I turned to him.

[…]

That was the reaction bubble that popped above Lasso. And that was all. No cry, no detailed message. Just […]. I talked to him again.

[…]

Same thing. And again I tried.

[…]

I gave up at this point. Fortunately, the bottom screen seemed to have its functions fully working. I tapped the Pokémon option.

Lasso (Feraligatr)
Hatchet (Pidgeot)
Cataclysm (Ho-oh)
Java (Flareon)
Lotus (Victreebel)
Architect (Mewtwo)

I know, not the most impressive team, but I was about favorites and knew nothing of stats and whatnot at the time. Anyway, there was a bigger problem with the team: the sprites were not moving at all. They lay completely motionless. I started with Lasso and went to his summary, and let it be noted that each command still made a noise. Even here, Lasso didn't sound his cry, and his sprite was still motionless. I moved along to each of the other Pokémon, same thing for every one of them.

I was pretty disappointed. I was ready to turn the game off and even throw it away, but I became curious as to what else wasn't working right. I took a couple steps left—and immediately stopped. Lasso wasn't following me. He stood eerily still in that same space. I walked back to him and tried talking to him again.

[…]

Lasso turned around, and no that wasn't a message. Like all other attempts, there was no message below, but his sprite turned its back to me right when the speech bubble disappeared. I tried talking to him again… nothing. Not even the three dots. There was absolutely no response, even though pressing A on him still made that high-pitched 'ching' like every other action. I tried it again… and again… soon I was rapidly pressing the A button, until something legitimately startled me.

Of course I didn't keep track of how many times I pressed A, but Lasso finally turned back around and simultaneously cried again… and pushed my Trainer away by a couple steps. And again he turned back around. This is just too weird. There's no way a "glitch" like this would be caused by leaving the game in a box.

I walked back up to him and faced him, but he immediately turned his back on me again, this time without any prompt from me. I wondered what would happen if I switched him in my party. I opened up my Pokémon list, selected Lasso, and clicked "SWITCH".

"You can't do this now."

Figures. I closed the list and was a little surprised to see Lasso turned back around facing me. I pressed A to talk to him.

[…]

And all on his own, he walked away and outside the Pokémon Center, leaving me (probably) alone in this empty room. Okay… I clicked on Pokémon again in the menu.

"You can't do this now."

Seriously? This was getting really trippy for me, but I was curious still as to what else was waiting for me. The first thing I did was try going upstairs where the Elite Four waits, which helped me confirm that there are no NPC's around whatsoever. It also didn't surprise me that I couldn't get into Will's room. There wasn't a badge check guy or anything. The entrance didn't even exist anymore. The wall was completely seamless like an opening never even existed.

I went back downstairs to check one last thing: my PC. To my relief, it not only booted up, but allowed me to access Bill's PC… except what I saw next killed the mood.

The first PC was empty and nameless, which I didn't mark as strange originally, but I found out that all the other boxes were wiped clean, save for one. It was a box full of Unown, and I counted fourteen of them. Though their sprites still showed their unique shapes, I pulled up their summaries to get the best view of them. I wrote them down to see if they were saying a message, and I was right:

THEY ARE WAITING.

Who is waiting? My Pokémon? Waiting where…?

And then it occurred to me: follow Lasso. Lasso is gonna take me to whatever place these mysterious Unown are talking about. Heh… I almost feel silly, playing whatever game this has become. But I want to know exactly is going on in this game, why, and even how.

I walked outside of the Pokémon League and onto its pathway. Sure enough, Lasso was waiting for me a few steps below. Before I had the chance to do anything, he walked away again, and like always the game wouldn't let me do anything until he was off-screen. Without testing anything else (the sign was mysteriously gone, so there wasn't anything TO test), I followed the path down to Victory Road. Lasso again was waiting, and he walked inside the cave right when I walked up to him without any prompt. I followed.

New location, same deal. No music, and Lasso continued to escort me somewhere. I didn't want to worry about any wild Pokémon, so I opened up the Bag… to find it completely empty. It's basically a piece of leather around my character's back. Even the Key Items were missing. How convenient. And now that I think about it, I had completely forgotten about my registered items, how they would normally be free to use on the menu. These were not present. However, the running shoes were still there, a bit surprisingly.

This struck my as curious again. Before moving on, and hoping Lasso isn't in a big hurry, I tested the other options on the menu. First, the Pokédex… empty. I've seen 0 Pokémon and captured 0. It even creepily said "NO REGISTERED DATA" on its screen instead of a grid of Pokémon. Seeing no other option, I closed it. I tried opening the Pokémon list again, but the game still wouldn't allow me. Next option: Pokégear. The clock showed the regular time and the call list only had three names: Mom, Professor Elm, and Lyra. The map and radio cards weren't installed. It's like I just walked into Cherrygrove City for the first time. I tried to call Mom, but the game told me that I have no signal, which I didn't even consider at first. I closed the Pokégear.

Next option, my Trainer Card… this scared me a little:

ID No.: 00000
NAME: Nobody (let me make it clear that I did NOT name myself that)
MONEY: 0
POKéDEX: 0
SCORE: 0
TIME: 00:00
ADVENTURE STARTED: 0

The Trainer sprite was no different. He was gone. Just an empty square of green was in its place. Everything else, no surprise here, gone. No badges, trade records, battle records, signature, whatever. There's nothing on this card. My character is basically a ghost at this point. I closed this and tested the only remaining option, the Settings, and found nothing different, though I just had to make sure.

Finally moving on, I walked freely through the least threatening Victory Road in existence. To my relief, there weren't any wild Pokémon to worry about. I reached Lasso unscathed. He dragged me all the way through the cave and into the Badge Check Gates, and disappeared again. This room was almost entirely changed. It used to act as a crossroads; one path to Route 27, one Route 25, one to Silver Cave, and one to Victory Road. But instead, the first two options were removed. The hall was completely closed off for these roads just like Will's room at Indigo Plateau. The only way out was to Silver Cave. I went back to Lasso and walked outside again. But before Lasso walked away into the trees, he turned to my character and… spoke.

Lasso: You left us behind.

My mouth hung open as he walked through the trees. Was he… actually talking to me? What in the holy hell is even going on right now! I was even more driven to follow. I tapped the Running Shoes on the menu and charged toward the cave. There has to be some explanation to this crazy scenario.

I quickly found the entrance to Mt. Silver, and for some odd reason, I noticed a large darkened spot of land right where the Pokémon Center should be. That's right, the building was completely gone. I also realized that Lasso wasn't doing anything without a prompt, so I clicked A.

Lasso took a small step back and slammed into my character, cutting the screens to black.

I was surprised again, but I waited for something to happen before reacting differently. The screen finally came back on like I entered a new area, and I was in a different place: the peak of Mt. Silver. It was snowing and the gust sound was active (there's not supposed to be music here, just the wind). The wall behind me didn't have the cavern leading back into Mt. Silver, which kind of unnerved me, to be honest. Lasso stood a couple of steps in front of me and walked away yet again. Seeing no other choice, I started to follow Lasso… until my Pokégear rang after a single step. It was Mom. I didn't even know you could use the Pokégear here, but then again I should just take into account that basically anything is possible at this point.

Mom: H—hello?
C—can you hear me?
Son?
Is that you?
Please come home, son…
I miss you…
Everyone misses you…
Please come home, dear…
Everything will be okay…
She hung up.

Everything will be okay? I don't understand… What's been going on in this twisted world? And for what reasons? I had a grave feeling that the answer was at the end of the path, and I admittedly afraid of finding out. But I want to know… I miss my Pokémon, my game, my hobby… I want it back to normal. I took another step and immediately got another phone call, this time from Elm. I answered it again.

Professor Elm: …
So, how's that errand coming along, kiddo?
I thought you were someone I could trust.

Click.

Is this my fault? Something I did? I left them, they miss me… Is this really happening because I lost my game? Not to speak less of Pokémon's morals, but I would never think that a simple game would have something like this ever happen. And even if this WAS coded for some strange reason, it seems too dark, too haunting for a kid's game like Pokémon.

I took one more step forward and was hardly surprised to see a phone call from Lyra. I didn't refuse answering her either.

Lyra: Enjoying your new friends?
You left us all behind.

She too hung up.

I couldn't ponder these events anymore. I had to see for myself… or did I? I remembered what Mom said to me. She wanted me to come home. I tried to open my Pokémon list—yes, it worked! I noticed Lasso was no longer in the party, likely due to the fact that he's separated from my character. I selected Hatchet, my Pidgeot, and pressed Fly.

Hatchet: No.

That's all I got. The game could've said that I can't use it here, but Hatchet instead said it herself. I was pretty uneasy about all this. The strange redesigns, the characters and Pokémon acting negatively to me…

I closed the Pokémon list and moved on to end this charade. I was at the summit's platform where Lasso waited right at the top of the stairs, with Red standing a couple steps behind him. I was right in front of Lasso and pressed A to talk to him.

[…]

Facing each other, we both took a step forward, swapping places so that he was behind me like normal. Just for one last "what if", I pressed A on Lasso again, but got the typical response. He didn't face me, either, just made the […] response.

Lasso has led me here and wants me to confront Red. What other choice do I have? I went beside him to the right and pressed A.



The old-fashioned PokéBall in the middle appeared, and we were sent into battle, though to my disappointment, his incredible battle theme was replaced by absolute silence. Black patches covered the screen one by one like normal, and then a few snowy frames transitioned into the battle (these sounds were still functional). In the opening phase of battle, the Trainers slide across the screen and are first shown with the amount of Pokémon they have, and the opposing Trainer, if it's an important one, has a couple frames of stop-motion. However, Red didn't slide. He was in his final place on the first frame, and his sprite didn't move. He kept his eyes hidden entirely by his hat. My Trainer was completely missing from this phase, though the six PokéBalls were still there. The text below said "You are challenged." Nothing else.

The text changed to "…", but Red didn't do anything. He didn't send out his signature Pikachu, and the game instead sent in Lasso to battle… and I gasped in shock. He didn't sound his cry, he did not move upon being sent out, and the sprite was completely modified so that he didn't pose. He stood straight and forward, facing ME, not Red. The box was displayed on the right, and the bottom screen showed my moves, prompting me to make my turn, even though Red was still standing there, looking more sullen than ever. I pressed run, just to see what would happen…

Red: Accept it.

Red actually just talked… What is he talking about? Accept what? I'm tired of this game playing me… I faced my fears and selected a move: Superpower.

Lasso: No.
"Lasso used Frustration!"

Frustration wasn't even in his movepool, but that's what was chosen… by him. And not just that, he also used it on himself, as bash marks flashed a couple times on the sprite. Lasso's health bar slowly trickled down and down, until it was completely empty. Lasso dropped off the screen, and oddly enough, he gave his cry. And it wasn't a slower, lower-pitched cry for when he fainted, he just gave his regular cry.

"…"

The three dots again, though it's more comforting than whatever creepy message I was anticipating. I was expected to send in another Pokémon, and I sent out the next on the list: my Pidgeot named Hatchet. Once again, she did not cry, her sprite did not move, and it was modified to stand completely upright, dead expression fixed upon me. I tried something a little different: a defensive move. I clicked Roost.

Hatchet: No.
"Hatchet used Frustration!"

It happened again. The slow depletion of the health bar was painful to watch, and I had a creeping sense that Hatchet looked more ominous as it drained. Hatchet finally dropped off the screen and cried.

"…"

Next up, Cataclysm, my Ho-oh. It followed the same trend as the other two. I tested out one last option; I tried opening my Pokémon list.

Red: Accept it.

"ACCEPT WHAT?!" I shouted (Good thing I'm home alone). This game… this game! All of these cryptic messages, waiting so long to tell me what they mean! I gave up and continued playing the way it wanted me to play. I blindly pressed my thumb somewhere on the bottom screen. I didn't care what move it was, because I know how it'll end up.

Cataclysm: No.
"Cataclysm used Frustration!"

This continued for the remaining three Pokémon. They refused to obey whatever command I gave and instead used Frustration to one-hit KO themselves. Finally, the last Pokémon, Architect the Mewtwo, had fallen. I was out of useable Pokémon. Red's sprite moved as if the battle had just started, and the screen immediately cut to black.

"…"

I clicked A, and the text box was removed, revealing two black screens. This seemed to be the end—No! I jumped out of my skin as the top screen flashed white for a split-second, revealing an Unown G, and a high-pitched screech came out of the DS for as long as it was on the screen. More of this followed, and I paid my fullest attention to what came up. They had no rhythm; they just unpredictably flashed on the screen in random intervals. And I'm positive that they spelled this:

GOODBYE.

The screen stayed black for an agonizingly long time, and I thought for a moment that the glitch or whatever this is had run its course… no. Again, I was wrong. The screen finally faded in to where I was before, on Mt. Silver with Red. It was like how the battle started, me and Red facing each other with Lasso behind me. Again I waited for the game… nevermind, I guess I have to—nevermind again, the game finally did something. Lasso turned me around and spoke again.

Lasso: They are waiting.

After that, he walked north to the very end of the path, stopped at the edge, gave his cry… and walked off the mountain. His sprite descended at moderate speed, well enough for me to watch his unique sprite turn into a constantly shrinking sphere… and I was petrified. Hatchet then came out from where my sprite stood and for a second looked to be my new follower… until she too followed Lasso.

"No!" I cried.

Cataclysm, a much larger Pokémon, also materialized next to me. It went to stand at the edge of the cliff, sounded its cry, and also walked off the mountain.

"No… please…" I said softly as I saw Java, my Flareon, materialize. I felt my eyes water and I couldn't do anything but watch my poor Flareon walk off the edge.

"Come back… please…" I said as I began to weep. Lotus, my Victreebel, started to follow.

"Don't… don't do it…"

Lotus was already over the edge. And my last Pokémon, Architect the Mewtwo, materialized next to me.

"Stay… please stay…!" I pleaded to this game. I didn't know what to do! Do I sit here?! Do I turn the DS off?! I just want this madness to end!

But it was already too late. Architect, my last Pokémon, had fallen off the edge. I continued to cry; it's all I felt I could do…

Red turned me around and spoke as well.

Red: They are waiting.

Red too headed north.

"NO!" I shouted.

He stood at the edge of the cliff.

"DON'T DO IT! PLEASE DON'T!"

He stood there for nearly an eternity, almost as if he was admiring the lookout.



He took a step and began to fall off the mountain.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I cried as I watched him turn into a sphere and disappear from the map. "WHY! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?"

I continued to sob as the rough sounds of Mt. Silver's wind continued to sing. I wasn't paying attention to the DS for a moment, I was too busy covering my eyes, crying into my palms. I could still hear the wind. And then I knew what needed to be done.

I finished sobbing enough to function properly as soon as I could. I wiped my hands on my pants and my eyes on my sleeves. I picked up the DS again.

I don't want to keep them waiting.

My character stood in the same position from when he was when Red talked to him. He didn't watch the mass suicide. He ignored it, reflecting me as I had ignored them. I walked north to the edge of the cliff until I heard the "thump" sound. It seems I couldn't simply walk off. …I quickly thought of pressing A. The ding was heard, but nothing happened for a couple seconds. And finally…

"They are waiting."

I pressed A again to skip the text, and there he went. Like my Pokémon and Red before, he took a step off the mountain, shrunk into a sphere, and continued shrinking until there was nothing left of him.

The wind and snow stopped seemed to stop, and the game faded to white. There was nothing left to see. The story was over.

Still teary-eyed, I finally switched the DS off… but quickly thought of switching it back on. I want to know if there's still anything left…

No. The game was burnt out. The DS didn't read anything in its slot, and no method possible allowed it to read. It was dead, just like everything that had existed in it.

And that was it for me. I took SoulSilver out of the DS and found every other Pokémon game, card, or book that I had and made a wealthy pile of it outside. And I torched it. I burned it all. This was the end of my Pokémon adventure. After experiencing what I just saw… there's nothing I can do. Call it what you want, but I'm even afraid of that happening in some other Pokémon game of mine. I won't let these games haunt me by living with them. And so I put them out of their misery. They don't have to worry about living on a shelf, in a box, abandoned and forgotten…

Even today, the memory continues to leave a burn mark, but I never let it get the best of me. I continued my life, just without the games I grew up with. Some noticed, of course, like my close friends who also share the hobby. But I refuse to play the game again. I just shrug it off when asked. I grew old and tired of these games, that's my excuse. I simply didn't want to play them anymore. They didn't care much. I didn't become crazy or anything. I can still look at a Pokémon game with a straight face and watch someone else play it without fear of something disobeying or committing suicide. But nobody but me and whoever reads this story knows about this, and of course that's why I've left myself anonymous.

I at first thought about researching this kind of thing, seeing if it was really hidden in its code somewhere, and if a certain event or even series of events could trigger it. I also wondered if I was alone in this, whether I've made a shattering discovery, or if this game just had something done to it by the previous owner. That's right, it was a used copy, but that wasn't important to me.

However, as soon as I was about to Google this plot, I stopped and thought why I should be asking for help about it, spreading word about it. The burden is mine. The memory is mine. My game, my Pokémon, nobody needs to know. Who cares if someone else comes across this? The theme of the game is to befriend your partners. Fail, and face the consequence. But I will say this as a warning: any copy of any Pokémon game that you have lying around, even if your system is badly bent and on its last legs, give the game one last go. Turn it on, say hi to your Pokémon, do whatever you can do to keep their trust.

They are waiting.
 

Shymain

Shaymin Lover
A creepypasta, eh? haven't read any of those in a while...

Alright, your grammar was pretty good, but your first paragraph didn't flow very smoothly. It was confusing, in fact. It might just be me, but I thought that the whole 'lots of money' thing put together with the fact that Crystal was your fave game meant that you bought Crystal, but after reading it over a few times, I realized that you got SoulSilver.

May I suggest writing it more like the following?

My birthday is at the end of the year, so combined with Christmas, I usually get tons of presents and money. The newest main games, SoulSilver and HeartGold, had come out at the beginning of the year, and I still didn't have one of them. Crystal was my favorite game, so I was really wanting one of the two- after all, they're remakes of the second generation! So on my birthday, I received a SoulSilver game. It was my favorite game at the moment, so I played it tons.

I haven't included all of the aspects that are in the first sentence, so if you want to change the first paragraph into something like this, then feel free to change it however much you want.

Usually I would criticize someone for just talking about them playing a game, but since this is a creepypasta, I will do the opposite. This is very well written, with good description, and the (unintended?) effect of having the Pokemon world replace the real world at times. It's so smooth a transition that some people might not notice it. I did, and kept reminding myself that this was from a real world perspective. Once again, I have to congratulate your description, because the details are what caused the aforementioned effect.

I have to admit, with all of the creepypasta that I've read, I can't really say that this is scary. Do you read a lot of creepypasta?

I must mention that the plot is not the most original, but I'm glad that you threw your own ideas into it to avoid clichés. Compared to most Pokemon creepypasta, this story is impressive, because you at least use your own ideas and correct spelling and grammar.

The last paragraph sorta says that you didn't post this anywhere- but you did. I'm a bit confused there, so...

I want to praise your grammar- especially the way you use commas. Finally there's someone who puts commas where they are needed! Congratulations, my friend!

Anyways, I would enjoy more writing from you. This was quite good.

Keep Writing!

Shymain
 

JX Valentine

Ever-Discordant
However, as soon as I was about to Google this plot, I stopped and thought why I should be asking for help about it, spreading word about it.

It's a good thing your character didn't Google this plot. If he had, he would have found thousands of stories just like this one.

Sorry to be blunt about that. That's the last joke, I swear.

But the truth of the matter is that creepypasta is a very tricky thing to master, and a lot of stories out there fall flat of doing so. I mean, let's take a look at this one. You have a kid who once loved their game, lost it, refound it, and thought, "Hey! It's awesome that I found this thing! Let's play it again!" So right off the bat, you've actually taken one of maybe three of the most commonly used openings for a game-based creepypasta. (The other two are "reasons why you shouldn't shop at garage sales and nearly abandoned game shops manned by creepy old people" and "why the internet sucks.") Note that I said game-based. Not only do Poképastas frequently start out like this, but every game franchise's fanpastas have stories that start like this. The point is that if a reader can list off a number of stories that start out like yours, you're going to have trouble building that creepy vibe from the get-go because readers already know how stories like this go. It's like showing someone a cliché-looking ghost. You're going to have to put in a lot of effort to make them feel scared about a sheet with holes in it.

Beyond that, we get into the meat of the story which is entirely about ... game characters being pissed off that the player has abandoned them. I'd hate to say it, but that's also a massively overused plot for Poképasta. Sometimes, it doesn't even make sense. For example, in this case (as in the cases of a lot of Poképasta in which the player accidentally misplaced their game—as opposed to intentionally trying to get rid of it or flat-out resetting too many times or what-have-you), one has to wonder why the characters are ripping the player apart. It's not his fault that he lost the game, after all. Why do they have to treat him as if he's killed them? Sure, maybe they don't know it was an accident, but that's the thing about giving an object sentience: you have the option to reason with them. Unless, of course, the game is evil, but at that point, I'd have to wonder why all it's doing is whining that it was abandoned.

That's the other issue I have with a lot of Poképasta. A lot of writers in the genre should really keep in mind that the term is creepypasta. If you're not evoking a sense of dread and horror, that's not creepypasta. And there are a lot of ways to evoke terror, but I'd really like to use the definition from this video, which covers why creepypasta is, well, creepy. Put simply, it has a lot to do with ambiguity. Good creepypasta gives you the sense that something is horribly wrong, but it doesn't overdo it. That's why things like "hyper-realistic blood" and huge amounts of gore don't always work, but things like an entire city disappearing, a mysterious text-based game, and Slenderman are seen as creepy: because while you know there's something really wrong going on (and are flat-out told that), you also don't see the big picture. As in, you can't entirely tell whether or not it's real, and that's the part that's scary.

The problem with a lot of Poképasta is that they fall short of presenting terror, one way or another. In some cases, they overdo the blood and gore to the point where it becomes ridiculous. In others (including this one, I feel), they focus too much on the wrong sense. To be right up front, it feels as if this pasta is trying to make me feel sorry for the character, not horrified by what happened to him. You spend the entire time building up how this character is being emotionally abused, not emotionally traumatized. He's being bullied, not haunted. All of his friends are leaving him, basically. Unless you're really afraid of being alone for some reason, that's not really terror. You also don't really build up anything that makes us think that something is horrendously and fantastically wrong with the game. It's all about the game seeking revenge, not what effects it can have on a person or what enigmatic forces are controlling it. In short, game is angry. Game makes character feel bad. The end.

(Alternatively, the other reason why Poképasta tends to fall short—and the reason that links back to the video about ambiguity—is because we've seen it before enough times that it loses its edge. Side note about Poképasta plot, by the by? There are literally hundreds of different possible plots and angles one can use to create Poképasta, but a lot of writers tend to assume that the only ways to write pasta are the usual cliché ways. The beauty of this franchise is it's an utter sandbox with countless different products and tidbits of canon that people can use, so there really shouldn't be a very limited scope on the kinds of stories we write. For example, I'm surprised that no one has ever written creepypasta about fanpages and that lost episode creepypasta are extremely rare in this fandom. But anyway, yes, that's the other reason why this pasta doesn't quite work as a pasta. I've basically seen it before many times, and probably so have other creepypasta fanatics. And now back to the point about aiming for the wrong sense.)

It's also not helped by the paragraphs at the end where the character spends all this time describing how he can no longer touch this game because he's emotionally scarred by it. (In other words, depressed.) That's not really highlighting ambiguity and terror so much as "this character is no longer emotionally stable." So it just doesn't feel like a creepypasta.

Now, don't get me wrong. As a story, it's ... okay. You do evoke some emotion, but it's just the wrong emotion for a horror. It just reads more like an angst fic than anything else, which means it's not that bad for an angst fic. 'Course, in terms of grammar, I did note that there were a few comma issues here and there. For example, "I grew old and tired of these games, that's my excuse" is a run-on because those are two independent clauses. Likewise, "I at first thought about researching this kind of thing, seeing if it was really hidden in its code somewhere, and if a certain event or even series of events could trigger it" does not need that comma after "somewhere" because there's a lack of symmetry that makes this a list. In short, lists need to start with very similar words at the beginning of each item, and determine if you need a comma in a sentence by replacing it with a period and seeing if both resulting halves make complete sentences. For the latter, if they do make complete sentences, you don't need a comma; you need a period. Alternatively, you need a semicolon or a comma and conjunction. Additionally, there were issues with ellipses ... in that you should try to avoid using them because in most cases, you'll want a hard pause that a period provides, not a soft one wherein your voice trails off.

But besides that, I don't know. I've certainly read worse stories with this kind of premise, but because I've read so many, it's difficult to say where this one stands, especially because I was expecting to have a completely different emotion evoked here. However, if we do look at this from the "this is an angst story, not a creepypasta" standpoint, I will give you props for including the side characters like Elm and your mother. Very few do that, and I'm almost reminded of the extended Lost Silver game, particularly that part in Goldenrod City (which still does not make this a pasta, sorry). It's always interesting to see people remember that those characters exist in stories like this because, yeah, you're spot-on in saying that the Pokégear could totally be used by them to add something to the story (as it does here).

I think that, honestly, if you want to take the "this is an angst game" angle, ease up on the moral. Like, that entire last paragraph (not the last line but the paragraph that starts off with the Googling comment) could be removed because, yeah, we get your character is in a pit of despair. You definitely don't want to hit the reader over the head with what you're trying to say, especially given that you've said that the characters are angry over being abandoned throughout the rest of the story. (You could probably ease up on that too.) But other than that, this has the potential of being something interesting as a supernatural/fantasy angst story, not as a creepypasta. And I apologize for my earlier rant about creepypasta, but I wanted to firmly establish why I say this would definitely work better in a different genre.
 
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Luxvan

Mozilla Fennekin
Well first I want to thank both these people equally for giving me some VERY useful reviews.
A creepypasta, eh? haven't read any of those in a while...

Alright, your grammar was pretty good, but your first paragraph didn't flow very smoothly. It was confusing, in fact. It might just be me, but I thought that the whole 'lots of money' thing put together with the fact that Crystal was your fave game meant that you bought Crystal, but after reading it over a few times, I realized that you got SoulSilver.

May I suggest writing it more like the following?



I haven't included all of the aspects that are in the first sentence, so if you want to change the first paragraph into something like this, then feel free to change it however much you want.

Usually I would criticize someone for just talking about them playing a game, but since this is a creepypasta, I will do the opposite. This is very well written, with good description, and the (unintended?) effect of having the Pokemon world replace the real world at times. It's so smooth a transition that some people might not notice it. I did, and kept reminding myself that this was from a real world perspective. Once again, I have to congratulate your description, because the details are what caused the aforementioned effect.

I have to admit, with all of the creepypasta that I've read, I can't really say that this is scary. Do you read a lot of creepypasta?

I must mention that the plot is not the most original, but I'm glad that you threw your own ideas into it to avoid clichés. Compared to most Pokemon creepypasta, this story is impressive, because you at least use your own ideas and correct spelling and grammar.

The last paragraph sorta says that you didn't post this anywhere- but you did. I'm a bit confused there, so...

I want to praise your grammar- especially the way you use commas. Finally there's someone who puts commas where they are needed! Congratulations, my friend!

Anyways, I would enjoy more writing from you. This was quite good.

Keep Writing!

Shymain
True, a few grammar mistakes are the norm even after some editing, but I did my best. I do like most of your re-wording, though, so I'll take it into account.
I did even admit myself in the author's note that it wasn't that creepy (and can even be undefined as a creepypasta as mentioned below), though I think the story was at least a good place to start with. I haven't read MUCH creepypasta though it's certainly had its ways with me recently. At the very least, I've read probably all of the man Pokepastas like Lost Silver, Come Follow Me, Black, Snow on Mt. Silver, etc.
I'll fix that last error.
But thank you very much for the kind words, it means a lot! :D


It's a good thing your character didn't Google this plot. If he had, he would have found thousands of stories just like this one.

Sorry to be blunt about that. That's the last joke, I swear.

But the truth of the matter is that creepypasta is a very tricky thing to master, and a lot of stories out there fall flat of doing so. I mean, let's take a look at this one. You have a kid who once loved their game, lost it, refound it, and thought, "Hey! It's awesome that I found this thing! Let's play it again!" So right off the bat, you've actually taken one of maybe three of the most commonly used openings for a game-based creepypasta. (The other two are "reasons why you shouldn't shop at garage sales and nearly abandoned game shops manned by creepy old people" and "why the internet sucks.") Note that I said game-based. Not only do Poképastas frequently start out like this, but every game franchise's fanpastas have stories that start like this. The point is that if a reader can list off a number of stories that start out like yours, you're going to have trouble building that creepy vibe from the get-go because readers already know how stories like this go. It's like showing someone a cliché-looking ghost. You're going to have to put in a lot of effort to make them feel scared about a sheet with holes in it.

Beyond that, we get into the meat of the story which is entirely about ... game characters being pissed off that the player has abandoned them. I'd hate to say it, but that's also a massively overused plot for Poképasta. Sometimes, it doesn't even make sense. For example, in this case (as in the cases of a lot of Poképasta in which the player accidentally misplaced their game—as opposed to intentionally trying to get rid of it or flat-out resetting too many times or what-have-you), one has to wonder why the characters are ripping the player apart. It's not his fault that he lost the game, after all. Why do they have to treat him as if he's killed them? Sure, maybe they don't know it was an accident, but that's the thing about giving an object sentience: you have the option to reason with them. Unless, of course, the game is evil, but at that point, I'd have to wonder why all it's doing is whining that it was abandoned.

That's the other issue I have with a lot of Poképasta. A lot of writers in the genre should really keep in mind that the term is creepypasta. If you're not evoking a sense of dread and horror, that's not creepypasta. And there are a lot of ways to evoke terror, but I'd really like to use the definition from this video, which covers why creepypasta is, well, creepy. Put simply, it has a lot to do with ambiguity. Good creepypasta gives you the sense that something is horribly wrong, but it doesn't overdo it. That's why things like "hyper-realistic blood" and huge amounts of gore don't always work, but things like an entire city disappearing, a mysterious text-based game, and Slenderman are seen as creepy: because while you know there's something really wrong going on (and are flat-out told that), you also don't see the big picture. As in, you can't entirely tell whether or not it's real, and that's the part that's scary.

The problem with a lot of Poképasta is that they fall short of presenting terror, one way or another. In some cases, they overdo the blood and gore to the point where it becomes ridiculous. In others (including this one, I feel), they focus too much on the wrong sense. To be right up front, it feels as if this pasta is trying to make me feel sorry for the character, not horrified by what happened to him. You spend the entire time building up how this character is being emotionally abused, not emotionally traumatized. He's being bullied, not haunted. All of his friends are leaving him, basically. Unless you're really afraid of being alone for some reason, that's not really terror. You also don't really build up anything that makes us think that something is horrendously and fantastically wrong with the game. It's all about the game seeking revenge, not what effects it can have on a person or what enigmatic forces are controlling it. In short, game is angry. Game makes character feel bad. The end.

(Alternatively, the other reason why Poképasta tends to fall short—and the reason that links back to the video about ambiguity—is because we've seen it before enough times that it loses its edge. Side note about Poképasta plot, by the by? There are literally hundreds of different possible plots and angles one can use to create Poképasta, but a lot of writers tend to assume that the only ways to write pasta are the usual cliché ways. The beauty of this franchise is it's an utter sandbox with countless different products and tidbits of canon that people can use, so there really shouldn't be a very limited scope on the kinds of stories we write. For example, I'm surprised that no one has ever written creepypasta about fanpages and that lost episode creepypasta are extremely rare in this fandom. But anyway, yes, that's the other reason why this pasta doesn't quite work as a pasta. I've basically seen it before many times, and probably so have other creepypasta fanatics. And now back to the point about aiming for the wrong sense.)

It's also not helped by the paragraphs at the end where the character spends all this time describing how he can no longer touch this game because he's emotionally scarred by it. (In other words, depressed.) That's not really highlighting ambiguity and terror so much as "this character is no longer emotionally stable." So it just doesn't feel like a creepypasta.

Now, don't get me wrong. As a story, it's ... okay. You do evoke some emotion, but it's just the wrong emotion for a horror. It just reads more like an angst fic than anything else, which means it's not that bad for an angst fic. 'Course, in terms of grammar, I did note that there were a few comma issues here and there. For example, "I grew old and tired of these games, that's my excuse" is a run-on because those are two independent clauses. Likewise, "I at first thought about researching this kind of thing, seeing if it was really hidden in its code somewhere, and if a certain event or even series of events could trigger it" does not need that comma after "somewhere" because there's a lack of symmetry that makes this a list. In short, lists need to start with very similar words at the beginning of each item, and determine if you need a comma in a sentence by replacing it with a period and seeing if both resulting halves make complete sentences. For the latter, if they do make complete sentences, you don't need a comma; you need a period. Alternatively, you need a semicolon or a comma and conjunction. Additionally, there were issues with ellipses ... in that you should try to avoid using them because in most cases, you'll want a hard pause that a period provides, not a soft one wherein your voice trails off.

But besides that, I don't know. I've certainly read worse stories with this kind of premise, but because I've read so many, it's difficult to say where this one stands, especially because I was expecting to have a completely different emotion evoked here. However, if we do look at this from the "this is an angst story, not a creepypasta" standpoint, I will give you props for including the side characters like Elm and your mother. Very few do that, and I'm almost reminded of the extended Lost Silver game, particularly that part in Goldenrod City (which still does not make this a pasta, sorry). It's always interesting to see people remember that those characters exist in stories like this because, yeah, you're spot-on in saying that the Pokégear could totally be used by them to add something to the story (as it does here).

I think that, honestly, if you want to take the "this is an angst game" angle, ease up on the moral. Like, that entire last paragraph (not the last line but the paragraph that starts off with the Googling comment) could be removed because, yeah, we get your character is in a pit of despair. You definitely don't want to hit the reader over the head with what you're trying to say, especially given that you've said that the characters are angry over being abandoned throughout the rest of the story. (You could probably ease up on that too.) But other than that, this has the potential of being something interesting as a supernatural/fantasy angst story, not as a creepypasta. And I apologize for my earlier rant about creepypasta, but I wanted to firmly establish why I say this would definitely work better in a different genre.

I thank you again for taking the time to construct this review, it really helps a lot.
I can't believe I completely skipped the fact that I started off the same way everyone else does. And after all my confidence in avoiding clichés! xD
You're definitely right about the story not being very scary, if at all. Most of the reason I called it a CP is... well to say so, I guess. I at least got the Angst part right, that's one of the genres I listed it on FanFiction. But that's beside the point.
I also do agree that Pokepasta has so many available options to choose from. It's just a matter of what you WANT to write, and using myself as an example, I'm writing fanmade games for the Pokémon series, so making a haunted (?) game CP sounded like a comfortable idea to start with. And it was; aside from the flaws that even I could see before getting feedback, I enjoyed writing it. I do, however, have another idea for a Pokepasta that is probably scarier and definitely more original. Simply put, it will have nothing to do with the games.
As I said to the other reviewer about the grammar, you're also right. But I do that too often, I'm just glad people don't have to dissect everything and give me an education about it xD.
I'll definitely look at the last paragraph and see what I can do with it. I'm sorry if I overworked this sort of thing, though I at least did my best to make sure the character doesn't overreact (something I find often in VG pastas). And there's no need to apologize for anything you've said, I found it very helpful and commendable.
Either negative or positive, thank you once again for the feedback!
 
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