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This Darkened Heart {PG-14}

Noheart

The Abysswalker
“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
—Cyril Connolly


Hello, Serebii. I started writing this fic about two months ago. I've been writing off and on and I came up with three chapters so far. It doesn't really take me this long to write- I've just been lazy. I'll put up Chapter One and see if the fic gets any readers. If it doesn't, well I'll just trash it and won't post the other 2. I guess I'll start writing Chapter Four if I get to post Chapter Three. This fic is rated PG-14 because it's from the mind of a fourteen year old, and there are some violent scenes and some language. Very harsh language will be extremely rare, if not seen at all.

Give any criticism possible. But have some manners. Also, I came up with the idea of having a Character Bio section. I've already kind of set it up, but I won't post it unless I have to. It's meant for readers and raters to get a better idea of the characters, and it'd be added on to as chapters are posted. It'd be right here on the first post.

~PM List
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Table of Contents
Chapter One: Prelude {You are Here}
Chapter Two: [Coming Soon?]
Chapter Three: [Coming Soon?]

Without further ado, here's Chapter One:

Chapter One: Prelude​

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”
-Lao Tzu

“Great, just great,” Sullivan muttered, laying with his back down on his mattress, staring at his room's pale white ceiling. “There just has to be a loud thunderstorm right before graduation day. I need to buy some earplugs...”

Sullivan sat up, rubbing his indigo-colored eyes. His dark brown hair- which was normally combed straight- was messy and greasy from the hot, humid weather and the stress from not being able to go to sleep on the night before a big day. He looked at his black, squarish alarm clock on the night stand which was to the right of his bed. The clock read 11:34 P.M. in a bright red.

Groaning, Sullivan stood up and stretched, thinking a shower would help him sleep. Sullivan looked out his window to see rain pounding on it, like it wanted to break inside. The wind was vicious, enough to send branches from large trees off into the air. The sound of thunder roared through Sullivan's eardrums, and the outline of the images of lightning seemed to have been carved into the inside of his eyelids so he could see them every time he closed them.

“I give up,” he thought to himself. He turned around and collapsed onto his bed with his back facing the ceiling and drifted off to sleep, as if he fainted from exhaustion. The thunder roared and roared as a yellow bird-like figure with spiky looking wings could be seen, flying at incredible speeds in and out of the dark clouds, like it was panicking...

\|/This Darkened Heart\|/​

Sullivan woke by the sound of a bark. A bark he knew all too well. He slowly opened his eyes and felt the sudden pressures of two paws on his left leg. As he sat up, he saw a black-furred four-legged Pokemon with an eerie skull placed above it's eyes, what appears to be ribs on it's back, and thick white rings around the bottom of it's legs.

“Houndour!” it barked, jumping up and down on Sullivan's mattress, shaking the entire bed. “Dour dour dour!”

“What do you want, Shadow?!” Sullivan demanded, irritated. “Honestly, I can never get any-” Sullivan turned to look at the clock and swore. The clock was blinking the digits “7:25” along with “A.M.”. School started in thirty-five minutes, and today was graduation day.

“I owe you one Shadow, sorry for yelling,” Sullivan said, immediately getting up and running out his bedroom door to take a fast shower, wondering why his alarm hadn't woken him up.

Shadow usually has to wake Sullivan up and help him get ready for school. Sullivan's mother, Ophelia, is pretty busy in the morning, getting ready to go to her Pokemon Daycare for the day while fixing up breakfast, so she appreciates Shadow's help.

Shadow bit on one of the handles of the closet on the other side of Sullivan's room and pulled. One of the doors folded, leaving an opening where Shadow can see the dump that was Sullivan's closet. Shadow jumped and grabbed a hangar that had some jeans and a blue t-shirt with a white drum set imprinted on the front of it and quickly set it on Sullivan's bed. Unsatisfied, Shadow set the hangar with the clothes on it on the wooden, creaky floor while he made Sullivan's bed utilizing his paws and his mouth. He put the clothes back on the bed neatly and ran out Sullivan's bedroom door and down the steps. Running into the kitchen, Shadow started barking. This told Ophelia that Shadow set everything up, since it was almost always a daily routine.

Sullivan got out of the shower with a gray towel wrapped around his waist and ran into his room, going through his dresser to get his boxers and quickly throwing on the jeans and shirt that Shadow set neatly on the bed. As he looked out the window, he could see that the bad storm that was occurring outside the night before had cleared. It was sunny and nice out, with a few white clouds here and there in the bright blue sky. Getting back on task, Sullivan quickly combed his hair, not caring that he was pulling hairs out, then looked over at his nightstand. 7:45. Grabbing Shadow's pokeball off his dresser, Sullivan ran out the door and down the wooden stairs as fast as he could, water drops flying off the back of his head. He grabbed his book bag which was next to the front door and ran out, shouting a “bye mom!” as Shadow hurried behind him.

Ophelia sighed. Sullivan forgot to eat his breakfast.

\|/This Darkened Heart\|/​

Sullivan ran through the Pokemon School's doors, looking at an analog clock to the right that was above the security guard and his desk. 7:58. Sullivan ran to his locker, Shadow following.

37-42-30. Sullivan pulled off his lock and opened his messy locker, grabbing a white binder that read “First Period” on the front of it that was near the bottom, under a bunch of other binders and books. Turning around, he saw the door that lead to the stairway, which had a notice on it. Sullivan took a closer look.

NOTICE:

No lessons today. Report to the gymnasium.

Sullivan then ran from the locker area and into the main pod, making a left and sprinting toward the gymnasium. He heard a “no running in the hallway!” from the security guard out by the front desk, but he didn't care.

8:00. Just in time. After returning Shadow to his pokeball, Sullivan pushed through the gymnasium doors, stumbling inside. The gymnasium was noisy and all the bleachers were filled with every student in the school. Teachers and other faculty were standing around on the gym floor, discussing and setting things up for some sort of speech.

Off into the distance, Sullivan could see his friend Scott waving to him from the bleachers in the far left corner in the back of the gym.

Catching the eye of many students as he passed by, Sullivan trudged up the steps and headed down the bleachers until he reached Scott.

“Where were you, Sully? It's about to start!” Scott said. Scott was a bit taller than Sullivan, about 6 feet tall. He had tanned skin and short hair with a thin body. He was wearing a silver chain with a pokeball attached to it, along with a plain black t-shirt and some black gym shorts.

“Overslept,” Sullivan muttered, rubbing his eyes.

“What?” asked Scott. “It's too loud, I can't hear you!”

Just then, it got quiet, thanks to the hand signals Principal George gave, waving his arms up and down. Without realizing this, Sullivan stood up and yelled a reply to Scott.

“I OVERSLEPT!” he shouted.

The whole school turned to look at the source of the sudden outburst, finding Sullivan standing up. Voices and giggling could be heard as Sullivan quietly sat down, embarrassed.

“Good going you moron,” said Sullivan, irritated.

“Oh yeah, I'm the moron,” Scott replied, sarcastically.

After saying a few words that Sullivan couldn't make out to the Vice Principal, Principal George walked up to the microphone which was in the middle of the gym floor. He had on a tuxedo with black dress pants, a red and black striped tie, black dress shoes, and square glasses with silver edges. Sullivan could always see light reflect off Principal George's bald head, failing to force away a chuckle or smirk every time he glanced at it.

“Quiet please!” Principal George announced into the microphone, turning everyone who was giggling at Sullivan silent.

“As you all know,” he began, “today is the day that all ninth graders graduate from the school. However, this year we're doing something a little... different than the normal award ceremony and final dismissal. This year, all ninth graders will be participating in the Sandgem Graduation Battle Tournament!”

Sullivan immediately smiled as conversations from one student to another begin to rise in number and volume. All this time, he thought his life was always going to be boring, and unimportant. He thought poorly of a generic life, a life of school, a career, a family, all that stuff. He set his mind on one dream: to be remembered. Not just by his family, but by history. Sullivan thought that becoming a Pokemon Trainer and beating the Sinnoh League is the best way to do that. But, as Sullivan is always reminded of the hard way, not everything goes as planned.

That's why he's been training with Shadow with determination. Shadow seemed like the soft, kind, helpful type of Pokemon, but on the battlefield- he was a force to be reckoned with. Every time Sullivan went out for runs, he'd bring Shadow along. Working out, hitting the punching bag in his basement, he made sure Shadow was in good shape too, having him exercise every once and a while by battling.

“I'm definitely beating everyone here. The only real challenge for me is going to be you and Jade, Scotty,” Sullivan said, still smirking.

“Challenge, huh?” Scott smirked. “If by a challenge you mean that one guy who's going to completely mow you, then yes, I'm a challenge. You're right about Jade though, that chick's a monster in battles.”

“Quiet please!” Principal George said once again into the microphone, silencing the students. He beckoned a man that was in his late twenties, who was in a tight red shirt that failed to hide his muscularity, and some blue jeans that had his shirt tucked into them. Battle Coach Miller walked up to the microphone, clearing his throat. “This is how it's going to go,” he began. “ Every other student in the school, that means sixth to eighth grade, have a choice to watch the event or not, so none of you have to worry about missing the tournament thats exclusive to the ninth graders. The match-ups will be decided randomly by paper with every single ninth grader's names on them placed into a bag. There are 64 of you ninth graders, meaning there will be sixteen sets of battles on Battlefield One, and sixteen sets of battles on Battlefield Two the first day. The battles will be in one Pokemon versus another format. To prevent unfair advantages, both battlers must throw their pokeball at the same time, and there will be no substitutions.

"The tournament will be five days long, which should be enough time to conclude the tournament. The winner of the tournament gets to have a picture of his or herself hung up in a new hall of fame that will always remain in the school for as long as it exists, and great supplies for a new journey. Ten pokeballs, a backpack, a sleeping bag, 10 full heals, a few TM's of great value, and other very special items that you will all find extremely intriguing and useful.

“What moves do these TM's contain? What are these special items? These questions are a secret until the end! Today was supposed to be the last day, but it will be extended five more days for the tournament. Don't worry, there won't be any classes, and you don't have to show up. However, if a ninth grader does not show up when the battles are occurring, the missing student automatically forfeits of course. The tournament starts tomorrow, and good luck to you all! You are all dismissed!”

All the students got up and went on their way, except for Sullivan and Scott. They waited right next to the gymnasium's exit, waiting for a certain someone.

“There she is!” Scott said, smiling and blushing a bit.

Almost last in the crowd of leaving students, a teenage girl walked up to Sullivan and Scott. She was wearing a light green tank top, along with some blue jeans and light green and white shoes. She had long, chestnut hair and brown eyes, and was a few inches shorter than Sullivan.

“Hi Jade,” Sullivan said. “Ready for the tourney?”

“You know it!” she said, smiling. She seemed hyper that day.

Jade and Sullivan have been friends since they were toddlers, and they are next door neighbors. It was blatantly obvious that Jade had some feelings for Sullivan, always happy and smiling when she was around him, wanting to hold his hand, stuff like that. Sullivan wasn't really interested, he knew dating as a teenager always ended in disaster. Besides, romance would've certainly got in the way of his goals, and it would ruin his friendship with Jade one way or another.

Scott, on the other hand, had been crushing on Jade for years. Yet, Jade showed no interest. It was one of those conflicts that most teenagers come across- the girl of your dreams likes your best friend kind of thing.

“Well, I'm gonna be training with Chuckie for the rest of the day, since I'm going to have to go up against at least one of you two,” said Scott.

“It's not like it'll do you any good,” said Sullivan, smirking. Sullivan wasn't really a conceited guy, he just liked ticking off Scott by acting like he was.

“Yeah! HEHEHE!” Jade almost screamed, fidgeting with energy.

“Too much coffee this morning, Jade?” Sullivan asked.

“Shut up!” Jade said jokingly as she punched Sullivan's arm.

“Well, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. See ya,” Scott said quickly. He was always nervous around Jade.

With a combined 'bye', Jade and Sullivan went on their way back home.

\|/This Darkened Heart\|/​

Sullivan walked through the front door of his home after saying goodbye to Jade who went into her house next door. It was about 8:45, and Sullivan was dead tired. The circles around his eyes that day were dark- about an inch and a half under his eyes, and about a half an inch above them. He took Shadow out of his pokeball, and told him about the tournament. Shadow had wanted to start training immediately, but Sullivan said he was too tired. He promised he'd train with Shadow after a quick nap. His mother and father were at work, so they weren't there to yell at him for sleeping during the day. He got upstairs and laid down on his bed, quickly falling asleep...

\|/This Darkened Heart\|/​

“Okay, Perla, could you get the food for Jade's Roselia up on the bottom shelf please?” Ophelia asked. Perla was Ophelia's Persian's nickname that she gave her.

Ophelia had arrived at her daycare a few blocks away from her home a while after Sullivan left for his last day of school. Luckily for her, the only Pokemon she was taking care of at the moment was Jade's Roselia, which was little work compared to other days where she was taking care of ten Pokemon at once. She had a red Apron on, which read “The Vesh Pokemon Daycare” in white text on the front and back, a yellow undershirt on, and some light blue shorts. Her short blonde hair was straight down as it normally was.

“Purr,” purred Perla as it walked to the other side of the room to the wooden shelves where all the food for the Pokemon currently at the daycare was kept. People say that all Persian have a naturally mean personality. This was true, but Ophelia's Persian was always helpful and nice when Ophelia needed her. When Perla was around other people though, her mean side came out and she intimidated even Sullivan. She didn't get along too well with Shadow, either.

Perla jumped and, with great agility, swiped the bag of food which contained the type of food which grass types liked off one of the shelves with her right paw. Perla then caught it with her mouth and landed back on the ground, walking over to Ophelia and giving her the bag. Perla walked with pride and elegance wherever she went- it was no wonder her species were classified as the “Classy Cat” Pokemon.

“Thank you, Perla dear,” Ophelia said as Perla purred.

She opened the door behind her which lead to the yard where the Pokemon got their exercise and fresh air and went outside as Perla followed behind. By a small pond, Jade's Roselia could be seen splashing the water with her tiny green legs as she sat on the land beside the body of water.

“Ariel, would you like some Breakfast? Jade should be here soon,” Ophelia said to the Roselia.

“Rose!” Ariel said cheerfully. The little plant Pokemon took it's small, fragile legs out of the little pond and walked over to Ophelia to eat it's breakfast.



MOLLLLLTREEEEESSS!!!



The piercing screech sounded like it could be heard from miles away, letting everyone who heard it know how angry it was.

There was a loud bang, and suddenly the sounds a crashing building would produce could be heard. The strong smell of smoke was in the air.

“What on Earth was that?!” Ophelia cried, frightened.

Perla's ears twitched as she looked in the direction of the screech that pierced the trio's ears. Roselia gave a little shriek of pure terror.

Ophelia turned to look at what Perla was looking at, and instantly became even more horrified. There was a building being completely devoured by flames.

That building was Sullivan's school.

***

Pretty short compared to the other two, I guess. Hope you liked it.
 

shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
Shadow usually has to wake Sullivan up and help him get ready for school. Sullivan's mother, Ophelia, is pretty busy in the morning, getting ready to go to her Pokemon Daycare for the day while fixing up breakfast, so she appreciates Shadow's help.

I feel that this part is kind of out of place. When you say it it probably shouldn't be said straight out like that. It would probably better if it was brought out by dialogue or something.

Sullivan got out of the shower with a gray towel wrapped around his waist and ran into his room, going through his dresser to get his boxers and quickly throwing on the jeans and shirt that Shadow set neatly on the bed. As he looked out the window, he could see that the bad storm that was occurring outside the night before had cleared.

The tensing seems off. I would say "As he looked out the window, he could see that the bad storm that had occurred outside the night before had cleared."

I hope what I'm saying makes sense.
 
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Breezy

Well-Known Member
So, um ... What's with your author note? You give us a really nice quote about writing for yourself, not the public, then go on to say in your author note that you won't post your other chapters if you don't get reviews? o_O

Sullivan sat up, rubbing his indigo-colored eyes.
Does he really have indigo colored eyes, or did you just want a fancy word for blue? (Indigo is a mix between blue and purple -- not a common eye color at all.)

Groaning, Sullivan stood up and stretched, thinking a shower would help him sleep. Sullivan looked out his window to see rain pounding on it, like it wanted to break inside. The wind was vicious, enough to send branches from large trees off into the air. The sound of thunder roared through Sullivan's eardrums, and the outline of the images of lightning seemed to have been carved into the inside of his eyelids so he could see them every time he closed them.
There's no need to mention what Sullivan's name is in such a short space of time. The first time should suffice, and substituting with "he" and "his" works.

“I give up,” he thought to himself. He turned around and collapsed onto his bed with his back facing the ceiling and drifted off to sleep, as if he fainted from exhaustion.
You can't "think to yourself" and use quotation marks. Quotation marks in dialogue indicate speech, and as we know, speech is said out loud. Not unless you mean "he said out loud to himself." If you want to keep it as thought, either omit the quotation marks (I give up, he thought to himself.) or use italics to separate your character's thoughts from the narrative (I give up, he thought to himself.)

As he sat up, he saw a black-furred four-legged Pokemon with an eerie skull placed above it's eyes, what appears to be ribs on it's back, and thick white rings around the bottom of it's legs.
Whoo, whoo, let's slow this description train down. This sentence is too windy and bogged down with description. It's important to ask yourself whether or not certain features of a character are important to introduce straight off the bat. Don't think your readers are stupid; they can piece together what a character looks like even if the details are separated chapters apart, and, quite honestly, they usually imagine a character that probably doesn't look like the one in your head. In this excerpt, it's quite obvious that you follow the mantra of "Quick! Get the physical features out of the way so we don't have to mention them again!" way of describing when that just doesn't work in all cases. Is it important that all this detail is known to the reader in this short period of time?

"It's" should be "its" instead. For the record, it's = it is, while its = the neutral possessive, like the eyes belong to it, or the ball belonged to it. In this case, the houndour's eyes belong to it. If unsure which one to use, insert an "it is" in place of your "its" and see if it makes sense. If it doesn't, you should be using "its" instead.

“I owe you one Shadow, sorry for yelling,” Sullivan said, immediately getting up and running out his bedroom door to take a fast shower ...
A comma should be after "one" and before "Shadow" here.

Shadow usually has to wake Sullivan up and help him get ready for school. Sullivan's mother, Ophelia, is pretty busy in the morning, getting ready to go to her Pokemon Daycare for the day while fixing up breakfast, so she appreciates Shadow's help.
Like shadowlight said, this is kind of awkward because it's bluntly stated and you change your tenses (from past to present). Again, is this information necessary that it had to be separated from the paragraph after it? Why couldn't you merge this information with the paragraph below so it makes the flow smoother and actually makes sense in the context of thangsss?

“Where were you, Sully? It's about to start!” Scott said. Scott was a bit taller than Sullivan, about 6 feet tall. He had tanned skin and short hair with a thin body. He was wearing a silver chain with a pokeball attached to it, along with a plain black t-shirt and some black gym shorts.
Again, is knowing the exact details of Scott necessary? Blend it in with the text, slowly but surely.

"Scott stared down at Sullivan" implies that Scott's taller. The exact detail doesn't really matter, not unless it matters in the plot.

"He fiddled with the pokeball that hung around his neck" means, well, there's a pokeball hanging around his neck.

And so on.

Just then, it got quiet, thanks to the hand signals Principal George gave, waving his arms up and down. Without realizing this, Sullivan stood up and yelled a reply to Scott.

“I OVERSLEPT!” he shouted.
Oh, you've been to school auditoriums before, and you know that the school doesn't hush that fast. ;P You would have noticed a change, enough to catch yourself from acting the fool anyway.

ade and Sullivan have been friends since they were toddlers, and they are next door neighbors. It was blatantly obvious that Jade had some feelings for Sullivan, always happy and smiling when she was around him, wanting to hold his hand, stuff like that. Sullivan wasn't really interested, he knew dating as a teenager always ended in disaster. Besides, romance would've certainly got in the way of his goals, and it would ruin his friendship with Jade one way or another.
This is really blunt as well, and just not necessary in order for your plot to make sense. Let these facts be known through action. Have Jade flirt but have Sullivan not take notice. Stuff like that.

The bold sentence is a comma splice; you actually have a few littered in your work. A comma splice is when you connect two complete sentence with a comma, when a comma just isn't strong enough to hold the two ideas together. Either replace it with a period or semicolon. Semicolons, in a nutshell, act like periods but connect similar complete sentences together.

“Rose!” Ariel said cheerfully. The little plant Pokemon took it's small, fragile legs out of the little pond and walked over to Ophelia to eat it's breakfast.



“MOLLLLLTREEEEESSS!!!”



The piercing screech sounded like it could be heard from miles away, letting everyone who heard it know how angry it was.
What's with the huge space here? I feel like you're trying to separate it so the transition from Jade's roselia to a random moltres cry doesn't seem random, but you're better off describing the cry rather than jumping straight to dialogue to allow the text to (sigh, I bet you're tired of hearing this) blend together better. In this case, I would first use this line here:

The piercing screech sounded like it could be heard from miles away, letting everyone who heard it know how angry it was.
to transition between the roselia and the moltres' cry, but expand on this detail.

That building was Sullivan's school.
More of an opinion really, but don't you think this ending would have really had a huger impact if the reader didn't know that Sullivan was safely at home? It would have been a more "omgggg" moment if they thought he was still at school. *shrug* Two cents.

The main problem, as I have addressed several times, is the way you bluntly acknowledge information when it's either

A) not necessary
B) could be retweaked so it fits and blends into the action of your piece.

All the information that you listed, like the name of Sullivan's mother's persian, could be easily blended within the text so that the story progresses forward. When you make sudden breaks to explain things, it halts the flow and the progression, and sooner or later, the reader might get frustrated with this. They came to read stories, not explanations after all, right? ;P So basically, re-read your work and ask yourself if certain gems of knowledge are necessary for the reader to know in order to understand what's going on. This includes things like physical detail.

The writing mechanics are pretty strong (again, watch out for comma splice errors) and you have a good hand on the basics. The overslept thing ... eh, a somewhat overused idea, but at least he wasn't late for getting a pokemon or something. ;P It is certainly too early to judge on things like characterization and plot. I'm not sure if this is a school or journey or legendary fic, but I suppose that's somewhat of a good thing.
 
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Noheart

The Abysswalker
I hope what I'm saying makes sense.

Yeah, I see. I'll fix it up in a bit.



So, um ... What's with your author note? You give us a really nice quote about writing for yourself, not the public, then go on to say in your author note that you won't post your other chapters if you don't get reviews? o_O

Well, there really isn't a point to post more if there aren't any readers, you know? It does sound a little contradictory, but if I didn't want readers, why would I put the story up in the first place?

Does he really have indigo colored eyes, or did you just want a fancy word for blue? (Indigo is a mix between blue and purple -- not a common eye color at all.)

His eyes being indigo has a point in the plot. Plus indigo is an awesome color.

There's no need to mention what Sullivan's name is in such a short space of time. The first time should suffice, and substituting with "he" and "his" works.

All righty then, I see what you're saying. Saying the name too much is a nono. (seeing all your quotations makes me want to save your post in a word doc...)

You can't "think to yourself" and use quotation marks. Quotation marks in dialogue indicate speech, and as we know, speech is said out loud. Not unless you mean "he said out loud to himself." If you want to keep it as thought, either omit the quotation marks (I give up, he thought to himself.) or use italics to separate your character's thoughts from the narrative (I give up, he thought to himself.)

Oh, I guess that's just a typo I missed. Didn't really catch it, thanks for that.

Whoo, whoo, let's slow this description train down. This sentence is too windy and bogged down with description. It's important to ask yourself whether or not certain features of a character are important to introduce straight off the bat. Don't think your readers are stupid; they can piece together what a character looks like even if the details are separated chapters apart, and, quite honestly, they usually imagine a character that probably doesn't look like the one in your head. In this excerpt, it's quite obvious that you follow the mantra of "Quick! Get the physical features out of the way so we don't have to mention them again!" way of describing when that just doesn't work in all cases. Is it important that all this detail is known to the reader in this short period of time?

So, I should just slowly reveal what Shadow looks like throughout the chapter... Got it.

"It's" should be "its" instead. For the record, it's = it is, while its = the neutral possessive, like the eyes belong to it, or the ball belonged to it. In this case, the houndour's eyes belong to it. If unsure which one to use, insert an "it is" in place of your "its" and see if it makes sense. If it doesn't, you should be using "its" instead.

Damn. You'd make a good english teacher, you sound exactly like mine.

A comma should be after "one" and before "Shadow" here.

Added to the fix up list...

Like shadowlight said, this is kind of awkward because it's bluntly stated and you change your tenses (from past to present). Again, is this information necessary that it had to be separated from the paragraph after it? Why couldn't you merge this information with the paragraph below so it makes the flow smoother and actually makes sense in the context of thangsss?

Damn. Tenses. Always a problem for me, in every story I have to write. I don't know, I guess I just have trouble explaining things in past tense and present tense alike so I unconsciously switch between the two.. Can't believe I read it over and over and didn't see this. Crap.

Again, is knowing the exact details of Scott necessary? Blend it in with the text, slowly but surely.

"Scott stared down at Sullivan" implies that Scott's taller. The exact detail doesn't really matter, not unless it matters in the plot.

"He fiddled with the pokeball that hung around his neck" means, well, there's a pokeball hanging around his neck.

And so on.

Work on description...

Oh, you've been to school auditoriums before, and you know that the school doesn't hush that fast. ;P You would have noticed a change, enough to catch yourself from acting the fool anyway.

Haha. Yeah, I guess I was just trying to make the principal look like a fierce figure who, if he asked, the students would hush immediately. Sullivan was woken up, so I thought it'd be funny if he didn't notice... It does sound a little stupid and unrealistic though.

This is really blunt as well, and just not necessary in order for your plot to make sense. Let these facts be known through action. Have Jade flirt but have Sullivan not take notice. Stuff like that.

Okay, slowly, slowly... Maybe more dialogue will fix this.


What's with the huge space here? I feel like you're trying to separate it so the transition from Jade's roselia to a random moltres cry doesn't seem random, but you're better off describing the cry rather than jumping straight to dialogue to allow the text to (sigh, I bet you're tired of hearing this) blend together better. In this case, I would first use this line here:

to transition between the roselia and the moltres' cry, but expand on this detail.

It was meant to be completely random and out of the blue. I don't know, I guess dramatic effect? Haha.

More of an opinion really, but don't you think this ending would have really had a huger impact if the reader didn't know that Sullivan was safely at home? It would have been a more "omgggg" moment if they thought he was still at school. *shrug* Two cents.

That would have been a good idea. I'm not exactly an expert with endings... and fics in general, obviously.

The main problem, as I have addressed several times, is the way you bluntly acknowledge information when it's either

A) not necessary
B) could be retweaked so it fits and blends into the action of your piece.

All the information that you listed, like the name of Sullivan's mother's persian, could be easily blended within the text so that the story progresses forward. When you make sudden breaks to explain things, it halts the flow and the progression, and sooner or later, the reader might get frustrated with this. They came to read stories, not explanations after all, right? ;P So basically, re-read your work and ask yourself if certain gems of knowledge are necessary for the reader to know in order to understand what's going on. This includes things like physical detail.

The writing mechanics are pretty strong (again, watch out for comma splice errors) and you have a good hand on the basics. The overslept thing ... eh, a somewhat overused idea, but at least he wasn't late for getting a pokemon or something. ;P It is certainly too early to judge on things like characterization and plot. I'm not sure if this is a school or journey or legendary fic, but I suppose that's somewhat of a good thing.

Heh, I didn't even realize the overslept thing was overused. I'll take a look at shadowlight's post again and review the chapter, and possibly the other two I've written.

Thank you both for the really nice reviews. I appreciate it.

I'm a bit too lazy at the moment to fix up things right away though, detention drained me. :p I'll get to it before I post new chapters though.
 
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