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Thunder, Fire and Ice: Birds of prey

crystal-zephyr

i feel his pain
This is my first fic so please go easy on me.

Sayara had been travelling for years now and was ready to enter the league. Most of the time she was being followed around by boys because of her good looks, long blonde hair, the fact the always wore a sleeveless shirt and always wore a skirt that barely touched her knees. Her pokemon were chosen to match her personality. She had a Slowking to match the laziness of her, a Meganium to match her beauty, a Charmeleon to match her fiery temper, a Plusle and Minun to match her playful side and she was now carrying an un-hatched egg. Travelling for so long had it disadvantages as becoming home-sick a lot.

A boy around Sayara’s age was flung out of a room along with his Mankey. “The one place where I can be at piece and I’ve still got perverts following me around!” Sayara had now stepped out of the room red faced and seriously angry. “Now get out of here before I call my Charmeleon on you.” Her red lizard pokemon stepped up besides her and looked prepared to fire a flamethrower at the boy and his primate pokemon. They both scrambled away in a rush. Sayara was in a rage as she usually was. Sayara’s Slowking stood up, from being sat down, and made a blue aura come out of the crown like rock on his head. It was its calm mind attack. At the same time her Meganium used a sweet scent as another calming down tool. They were used to this by now. As she calmed down the power went out and every one was screaming. A dark shadow moved around the pokemon. In the main lobby though a load scream was heard. Sayara and her five pokemon ran to investigate.

In the middle of the room stood a man dressed in red. His short black hair could only just be made out from the dim lights of candles and Sayara’s Charmeleon’s tail. He was clutching a strange looking pokeball in one hand and an ordinary one in the other. The figure turned around looked straight into Sayara’s dark green eyes and ran to the entrance. “Meganium stop ‘em with vine whip.” Her Meganium shot two long vines at the now escaping person’s legs. The vine’s tripped him over.

“Go Slugma.” Out of the ordinary pokemon came a red slug that looked made of lava. “Attack that brat’s Meganium with heat wave.” The lava slug sucked in as much air as it could then let it all out in a wave of fire.

“Slowking block the attack with water pulse.” Out of the pink crown headed pokemon’s gem shot out several blue rings that eliminated the fire stream. “Good now use disable.” Out the same gem came another blue aura only this time surrounded the fire pokemon and its trainer freezing them solid. At the time the nurse in charge had put the power back on revealing the trainer to be a woman who Sayara recognised from when she first started her journey. She had helped catch her Slowpoke which had now evolved to Slowking.

“Sayara we’ve been friends for years please let me and Slugma go.” She was now begging.

“Maria. I don’t know.” Sayara thought hard but came to a decision. “My answers no.” Meanwhile the shadowy creature was now lurking around the ceiling.

I hope it's alright.
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
In my opinion this is pretty good. But then again my fics haven't worked out well. I wish you luck with the other members and hope they think the same.
 
N

NoDayBut2Day

Guest
Is this a chapter? If so, I recommend you read the rules and advice for authors. Since this is your first fic I'll be nice :)

When you write a chapter try and make it a few pages long on Microsoft Word. It keeps track of how many pages you have written and has spell check which comes in handy but doesn't always catch every mistake you make.

You idea for this fic seems cool starting off with her already battling and catching the pokemon and getting ready for the league. But you left out a lot of other info like what league. Just take your time with the next part or chapter and hope you take some of my advice. Ill be back for when you update with me

-Danny
 

HB5squared

I'm Back
wow I believe that this is one page long...Danny. The rules actually say every chapter needs to be at least one page long...not a few pages in length. Or did Danny forget to read the rules and advice sticky as well?

Description could be better.

More history on the pokemon and people would also be nice. We have been friend for years....Haha I won't let you go my friend.

WEll, does this mean That Sayrara is cold hearted, or wants to bring justice or that Maria just isn't her friend?

If some girl was crazy and ready to sic their pokemon on people, I don't think any boy would follow them around. There is plent of good looking girls and I don't see boys following them around. A girl could be really nice but have an awful personality and no one could like her. Also this sort of demeans men, saying that all of them follow her around and are perverts. I'm a girl myself but I still have sympathy for the opposite sex.

Overall-it was weird and could use more description but was interisting...Good!
 

crystal-zephyr

i feel his pain
I'll be putting up the next chapter in a few days. It'll be back in time though to show the origin of why Sayara and Maria don't like each other anymore.
Also Sayara is very cautious and thought Maria was a theif because the lights were out.
And thank you for the reviews i've read through them and taken in anything you've suggested.
 

crystal-zephyr

i feel his pain
Ok. This chapter has only a small part of the past in but i will have the origins of Maria and Sayara's first meeting and splitting up.

Chapter 2

Looking down at her old friend and her lava slug pokemon Sayara remembered back to her childhood.
Sayara and Maria were playing by a lake near their home town of Asleka town. Asleka was a quiet place that consisted of mainly water and grass type pokemon but the occasional fire type was seen. A Chikorita that belonged to Sayara was sun bathing as wild ones do. Maria was talking to Sayara about how lucky she was to have such a relaxed pokemon as well as strong.
“You know Maria you should ask your parents to buy you a pokemon. Even though I found mine you would be good with pokemon to I bet.”
“Sayara! Enough with the bets.”
“Sorry but you know what I’m like.”
“Yeah that’s the problem.” Both girls laughed.

Sayara then gets called back into the room and snapped out of her day dream. “Sayara. Wake up. Please just let me go. I’ll do anything to help you I just don’t want to go to prison.”
“Then why were you sneaking around and cutting of the lights ?”
“My Magneton’s holding a Magnet to increase its electric attack but got to close to the fuse box and short circuited it. Sorry. I was in the fuse box trying to fix it and Slugma was using Ember to weld some pipes back together that the magnet attracted.”
“Slugma, Slug.” Maria’s Slugma agreed by saying “She’s right. I swear.”
“See. I know you can’t understand her but I’m sure you caught the drift.”
“Yeah I did.” Sayara sighed at her mistake. “ Sorry Maria. Slowking you can stop the Disable attack now.” Slowking lowered its arms and the blue aura around Maria and her Slugma disappeared. They were free to move. “You should have called for someone to help.”
“I did. I screamed when this kid and his Mankey ran into me at the same time Magneton short-circuited the lights.”
“Oh. So it was you I heard scream. My bad again. Anyway you said you’d do anything, so I want you to come with me to the league.”
“What but you…” Maria just stopped talking and was frozen and so was everyone else in the centre except Sayara.
“H-hello.” She cried but no-one answered. Everyone except her Slowking was frozen. A tune like sound was heard but Sayara knew it was something else.
“I have no idea what’s going on but that voice is saying ‘You are the second chosen one. Only you can quell the war between the three birds of legend’ What ever that means.”
“Yeah. Who’s saying that?”
“Why. It’s me Sayara. Your favourite pokemon.” Sayara turned round to see her Slowking with its arms out.
“What. You can talk?”
“Yes I’m speaking my language but I’m guessing you can understand me clearly here.”
“Yeah I guess. But you’re not my favourite.”
“I’m not.” Slowking’s eyes went all watery.
“Slowking that just doesn’t work on me.” The black shadow that was hanging around her before was now encircling her above but was clear because it was black. “You up there? Are you the one singing? If you are you have a wonderful voice.” The singing grew a little less down into a few notes. “Slowking translation.”
“It says ‘Thank you and yes it is it singing’ it also says ‘stop calling me an it you pink idiot’. Hay that’s not nice.” The singing died down to a stop and time resumed.
“…got the answer that doesn’t mean I’m doing anything criminal so why should I still?”
“Oh. Never mind. Well it’s your choice but I’ll pay for you to sleep here the night and you can decide in the morning.” Sayara walked up to the desk, wrote a note and placed some money for the centre nurse to see. They both walked to there rooms that were side by side and were talking all night about their adventures. But all through this Sayara couldn’t get what had happened out of her mind. Eventually she fell asleep soon after Maria did.


Hope everyone likes this chapter.
 

crystal-zephyr

i feel his pain
Sorry for the triple post but then again no-ones posted but for anyone reading it i'll have the next chapter up soon.
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Um... Grammar is a wonderful thing. You seem to have problems with your dialogue. It doesn't flow, and doesn't seem natural. Some passages grate on my eyes, which makes for difficult reading.

Another thing throwing me off is the fact of your paragraph spacing. At least double-space (hit the Enter button twice) between paragraphs. It'll make your fic easier to read.

Subtility is also something I'm starting to like. The list of Pokémon Sayara has and their personalities right at the beginning of the fic crams your character's traits down our throats. I like it more when we can slowly see a character's personality. It makes the character seem more like a friend we are getting to know better, which is how it should be. I'll give you a quote from my writing magazine, "Fictional characters are multidimensional, and their layers must be revealed gradually and proven via the series of changes they undergo." Hope that clears up what I'm saying.

I don't like the sudden freeze everyone else goes through. It's too sudden and breaks the scene awkwardly. It confused me, as between your mechanics and pace, threw me off. Again, subtility would be nice. And why is Sayara the second chosen one? I really hope that it will be revealed later, and doesn't make her come off as most of the other chosen one fics I've seen carried out.

As a warning, I would just watch out for Sayara. She appears to come off, at least to me, as a Sue. But this is only my opinion, and not to be taken seriously.

Oh. HB5squared? It came out to be 7.1 inches in Microsoft Word.

-;249-d;-
 

Musical Mayhem

~Simple and Clean~
Howdy Crystal Zephr! I like the idea, just keep on trying to be descriptive. I can help you with that if you want.
 
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