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Time Out (PG 13+)

hello and welcome to my first fan fiction here please tell me what you think of it ^-^ and yea, I know its not the world best but it6s the kind of end of the world fic i've been wanting to write for a long time now. enjoy

Alexandra strolled towards the Pokémon centre she only had one thing on her mind- Jasmine. The memory of her dead sister haunted her life. Her parents would never stop comparing her to Jasmine who had died eleven years earlier. Alex barely remembered her as she was only a newborn when Jasmine left to start her Pokémon journey back in Kanto. Alex smiled. Kanto, her family moved away because there were too many memories of Jasmine. They had moved against Alex’s word.

Alex ambled in the general direction of the front desk. She had never looked so calm in her life.

“Welcome to the Pokémon center may we heal your Pokémon to perfect health?” The nurse beamed.

“Uh… no thanks” replied Alex. “I was wondering if I could use the Pokémon centres battle facilities?”

“Why of course do you have a buddy to battle with?” Nurse Joy said.

“Nah, I wanna use the …uh…the time machine facilities please” replied Alex.

“Okay, Its being repaired right now just go on up and wait it won’t be much longer.” Said nurse Joy. “If you want I can….” But Alex had already disappeared.

“Is anyone home?” Alex yelled.

“Unless I’ve vanished” said a young man. He was fumbling around in a tool box.
“Is there a spanner over there?” He asked.

“Yeah” she replied. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing much just repairing the time machine, It has to be updated frequently because days pass by and it’s a time machine…”

“I get it” said Alex interrupting him.

She gazed up at the door to the time machine room. It was pretty amazing to look at, pipes and cords and a seemingly extravagant amount of circuitry.

“Ready to try it out yet?” Said the young man.

Alex turned around sharply, her mood was beginning to seep through her calm and composed front.

“My names Bill, by the way.” He said.

“Uh I’m Alex” she said awkwardly.

“Are you ok Alex?’ he said “you look, uh…. Concerned”.

“I’m fine, really” she said

“Okay then’ said Bill “ the time machines all ready so all I need from you is a date and the Pokémon centre’s location then I can find out who was using the battle rooms on that day, then you can pick the one you want to battle with.”

“umm, May the 22nd 1999, the lavender town Pokémon centre in Kanto”

“let’s Just see” he said rapidly pushing buttons. “Ah got it!” he yelled “here’s the hidden camera footage of the battle room for that day.” “Three people where in there” he said as three pictures appeared on a large computer screen.
”Which one would you like to battle?”

Alex stared, amazed, staring at her sister, through the grainy black and white footage.

“That one” she said pointing to her sister.

“Very well,” he said I’ll punch in the data for that time frame, and” he said “while it’s warming up I’ll explain how the time machine works. ”

Alex’s mind was racing, could she really do this?

“Ok” he said, “Now then when you step in to the time machine you will automatically end up in the in the lavender town Pokémon centre, in Kanto, May the 22nd 1999 at 12:02 pm. But It won’t look exactly like it does in this video, the main difference being that when you appear there, you will notice a red line through one half of the arena. This line cannot be crossed by a human under any condition, It is however, safe for a Pokémon.” Bill walked over to the doorway “there is one last thing” he said. “after you finish battling someone, as soon as they leave the room, Their Pokémon will be healed and their memory will be erased.”

“Okay!” Alex said in a slightly raised voice, “I’m ready”

“With this time machine, No.4.0, you can bring in newly discovered Pokémon but only in battles, since the other trainer’s memory is erased, not trades, in trades the system works differently, but still” he said “try not to use too many new moves to make it fair for the other trainer.”

“Sure” said Alex.

She walked up to the door completely sure of what she was going to do. Bill pressed the door release and Alex stepped into the shadows of her sisters forgotten past.
******************
Jasmine smiled, running her fingers over the cool metal doorframe.
“I love these new battle rooms, there’s just so much room!” “Oh, wait…. I’m talking to myself again….” She said. “Oh… I’m still doing it… Damn…”

Alex couldn’t believe her eyes. She had stepped into the past, she was staring at the sister she only ever knew from photos.

“Oh” said Jasmine “there’s some else in here! And she heard me talking to myself….”

Alex had no clue what to say… she had planned this out in her head but for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to speak.

“Are you alright? asked Jasmine. “My name’s Jasmine but please, call me Jazzy.”

“I-I’m Alexandra.. C-call me Alex” Alex said, she was becoming slightly uneasy, maybe this wasn’t the best idea after all…

“Hey” said Jazzy “what’s through that door?” she said pointing to the door Alex had entered through.

“Well” said Alex beckoning her sister across the line in the middle of the room. “Let’s go find out”
**********************
As soon as Jasmine stepped over the line Alexandra knew she had made a mistake. There was a huge crashing sound and the half of the room connected to the past vanished. A dark void pulled everything in sight away. Alex held on to the door with one hand and her sister with the other.

“Swing me up towards the door!” yelled Jasmine as loudly as she could.

“It’s too dangerous!” yelled Alex “I’m not gonna lose you again!”

“JUST DO IT!” yelled Jasmine.

“Alright!” yelled Alex, desperately trying to hang on. “3, 2, 1 SWING!”

Jasmine caught on to the door handle, pulling them in out of the void that was desperately trying to suck them in and into the unknown blackness beyond.
 
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BladedScizor

Well-Known Member
First and foremost, its seems a lot of emotions should be coming up in this piece, yet I find find the emotions to be somewhat lacking. I know Alex didn't really know Jasmine, but if she has been really haunted by her sister her entire life, you'd think she'd feel something upon actually seeing her.

Second, the reactions of the entirely family to Jasmine seems a bit unrealistic. Losing a close member of the family is a terrible, heartbreaking thing, and I say this from experience, but eleven years is an awfully long time for her parents to be unable to let go and see what they still have. And then, they alienate their still-living daughter with constant comparisons to the one they lost? I guess I could see them doing that for a short while, but eleven years is way past what is believable.

Getting past that, there is the battle center time travel facilities; they discover a method of time travel, and they use it for Pokemon battles... right. Granted, I know its supposed to be based on a feature in the games, but it only existed there due to the annoying tendency of the games to not include several Pokemon from previous generations. That isn't the case in a 'real-world' Pokemon World, so you'd need some better justification for time travel only being used for Pokemon battling.

As for the ending of the chapter, it does seem a little ridiculous that screwing up the system in such a way was so easy. You'd think they'd have some safeguards up in case someone like Alex tried to pull stupid crap like that. If nothing else, Bill should have let her know exactly why people weren't supposed to cross the red line.


You have an interesting concept here; you just need to work on some of the logic in it, as well as description and emotion.
 
^ Thanks for that ^_^, point taken, the next chapter is very emotional, I want to bring the character development riiight along too, and hopefully, pull this fic together ^_^ wish me luck~!
 
chapter two is now here XD

“How bad is the damage?”

“Things aren’t looking good….”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means it’s time to call in every friend we’ve got“

“And what about the time machines?”

“They’ve all been shut down…”

“….. This won’t end well”

“It’s our job to make sure it does”
**************************************

Alex slowly opened her eyes; the room seemed to be spinning. She blinked. The spinning slowly came to a halt. Alex realized she was lying in a hospital bed.

“You’re finally awake”

Alex turned sharply, it was Jasmine.

“So you’re my little sister” she said pulling herself up on to Alex’s bed.

“Jasmine, I can explain” Alex said.

“They already told me everything” Jasmine said turning away from Alex “you must care a lot about me to risk ripping open time and space to save me.”

“Y-yeah, you’re my sister” said Alex, almost crying.

“MORON!!!” yelled Jasmine. She slapped Alex hard across the face.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?” Yelled Alex, clutching her nose, blood ran into her hands.

“It’s because you’re an IDIOT” she yelled, crying. “You’ve destroyed everything! Everyone’s Gonna DIE and it’s your fault, I love you. She said burying her face in her hands. “But, you’re so stupid.”

Alex suddenly felt incredibly dizzy, the room faded away, everything around her seemed to melt into the same shade of dark, fuzzy gray and Alex passed out.
***********************
“Breaking news!” Alex’s eyes flicked open at the sound of the television.
“All over the globe, disasters, both natural and super natural have been breaking out”

“Huh?” muttered Alex… “What’s going on?”

“I, Sandie Sampson am here with you live at the Kanto regions Lavender tower where the strange dark void that has spread across the town seems to have originated”

“W-What the….?” Yelled Alex, she jumped out of the bed and run towards the television.

“This is all your fault, you know” Said a young man, as he sat down beside her.

“Shuddup, and who are you anyway?” Alex replied.

“My name is Celio” he said.

“What’s happening?” Said Alex staring at the TV.

“We’re not quite sure,… yet” he said

“Oh yeah? Who’s ‘we’?” Alex replied sharply.

“Me, Bill, and the help we’ve just called in. Perhaps you’ve heard of them; Cynthia and Lance, the Elite Four champions.” He said.

“W-wow” She said.

“Honestly though, It’s not completely your fault, you know” Celio said.

“Huh?”

“You’re funny Alex. The expression on your face says ten times more than words ever could” He replied, smiling slightly.

“Get to the point!” She said, slightly embarrassed.

“ If the world was going to tear apart every time someone crossed a red line then we couldn’t let anyone go back in time, something went wrong.” He said.

“Where’s Jasmine?” Alex asked.

“Jazz? She’s in the other room.” He said. “She hit you, didn’t she?”

“Yeah, she slapped me across the face.”

“Do you know why?” He said.

“No….. well, yes, because she blames me for putting everyone in danger.” Alex said

“It’s because you put yourself in danger Alex… She cares about you.” He said

Alex looked away.

“Go talk to her” said Celio.

******************************

“Come in Alex!” yelled Jasmine as she pulled her head out of her book.

“How did you know it was me? Heck, how did you even know I was here? I haven’t knocked yet!” Alex said

“I’m usually right about things like that, I can guess when people are gonna show up, I’m good at it” Jazz said.

“Wow” said Alex “cool!”

“Show me your Pokémon.” Said Jazzy very randomly.

“Ah… what?” said Alex, surprised.

“You have Pokémon I’ve never even heard of” Said Jazzy, staring in to space.

“O-oh right well, this is the first Pokémon I ever owned” Alex Said. “Go Prinplup!”

“lup” said Prinplup bursting out of the Pokeball.

“Amazing! Amazing!” said Jazzy enthusiastically! “Now you can meet the first Pokémon I ever owned! “Go Wartortle!” Said Jazzy, releasing Wartortle from it’s pokeball.

“So” said Alex ”Do you want to see my other pokemon?”

“I’ve got a better Idea” said Jazzy “We’ll have a battle, tomorrow.”
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Why are you hiding your chapters in spoilers. You aren't writing them in the reply box are you? And outside of that possibility? WHY. I mean there's no spoilers in them is there? Or is it a lame attempt to dazzle us with a new fad.

*sigh*.


“Come in Alex!” yelled Jasmine as she pulled her head out of her book.

“How did you know it was me? Heck, how did you even know I was here? I haven’t knocked yet!” Alex said

“I’m usually right about things like that, I can guess when people are gonna show up, I’m good at it” Jazz said.

“Wow” said Alex “cool!”

“Show me your Pokémon.” Said Jazzy very randomly.

“Ah… what?” said Alex, surprised.

“You have Pokémon I’ve never even heard of” Said Jazzy, staring in to space.

“O-oh right well, this is the first Pokémon I ever owned” Alex Said. “Go Prinplup!”

Said saidsaid said said. And wtf is up with 'jazz' and 'jazzy' pick one name or nickname, and stick to it.

Example.

"Come in Alex!" Jasmine called out, pulling her attention from the very interesting book held in her hands. Her gaze now focusing on the door as Alex shyly came in, a look of confusion on his face. She flashed him a smile and it seemed to settle him.

"How did you know I was here? I'd not even knocked yet," Alex asked, and Jasmine only smiled again.

"Oh," she started, "I just have a knack for these sort of things, don't worry, I'm not a stalker or anything." She finished, closing her book and set it aside on a small table beside her chair.

Alex only laughed nervously- who used 'I'm not a stalker' as a casual joke? But he didn't voice it. That'd be rude. And paranoid.


So you know... If you can't guess by the example.

Work on description, depth and detail. Give your characters some flesh and blood. Emotion. Personality. HUMAN REACTIONS TO CRAP. I mean 'Jazzy' basically acted like a stalker or a psychic- or atleast creepy, Alex should have hesitated. Instead, Wow Cool!

And work on using things outside of said. Said. Said. Said. Throw in a bit of action. I mean come on, that was the most common thing you used, next to asked and replied it seems.

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors, go read The Rules, too.
 

pokeaidmissy

Well-Known Member
I love the fic idea! Completely love! However, it needs some work. It seems to be going fast and could use some more emotion and details.

For example, how stunned is Alex that she is actually seeing her late sister for the first time in her life, without the use of photos? Is she comparing herself, as her parents, often did, or is she slowly trying to learn about this unknown figure of her past? Is she trying to compare their looks, to see if this is true? If prehaps the girl with the same color (insert whatever here: eyes, hair, etc.) is truly her sister, or if she is just dreaming? How about Jazzy? Is she relieved that she has been spared from the grip of death, or is she freaked out that she is in a different time where she has been pronounced dead? How about her parents? Do they know? Doesn't Jazzy want to see them?

I believe you get the idea there. Also, I see some basic grammer mistakes (ex.-Lavender Town, misplaced commas, unnesscessary capilization, etc.) Simple things like that, just read over for that stuff more slowly next time. =]

All in all, a great job for your first fanfic! This idea for a fanfic is one of the most creative I've seen in a long time! I can't wait to read more and see how well you improve!
 
chapter 3, Its better than a hard kick in the face X3
“Have you managed to stabilise things yet?”

“No, things are still getting worse.”

“Cynthia and Lance are ready to help us, If we need them”

“If we need them?”

“Well, when we need them…”

“This won’t blow over, you know.”

“I know.”

“The Pokémon know it too, they’ve come to clean the wounds of time”

“It won’t work, will it?”

“No, only one Pokémon can help us now”

“But, that’s just a myth.”

“I hope not, if it is, we’re all doomed.”

**************************************************************************

“Just look at this place!” Gasped Jazzy, astounded by the size of what appeared to be a conference room.

“This place looks like an evil lair!” Added Alex “I bet you could plot to take over the world from here”

The two girls stared across the room. The table looked as if it stretched on forever, surrounding it there were AT LEAST one hundred and fifty chairs.

“Well” said Jazzy climbing on to the table “this is a better place than any of the other rooms we’ve randomly walked into today to hold a battle!”

“ARE YOU CRAZY?” Yelled Alex, who was just starting to realize that she wasn’t the only reckless one I the family “This room must have cost more money that I’ll ever see in my life! We can’t mess it up!”

“Geez, don’t worry, It’ll be alright.” said Jazzy “Besides, this is the only room big enough to battle in and this table makes for the perfect battle field!”

“B-but…”

“Just get up here.” Jazzy replied, pulling Alex onto the table. “ Now, run down to the other end of the table and get ready! ‘Cose I’m gonna beat you bad!”

“Oh yeah?” yelled Alex, forgetting her uncertainties at the prospect of a challenge “ I’ll show you moves you’ve never even heard of!”

“A real challenge huh?” Asked Jazzy “Well then, let’s make it a three on three battle”

“Sure!” Alex beamed as she reached her end of the table.
“I’ll go first!”Yelled Jazzy “Wartortle, its battle on time!” She through the pokeball and Wartortle was released.

“I call Prinplup!” yelled Alex, the pokeball exploded open and so did the bubble seal, spreading bubbles everywhere.

“Wow, what was that?” Gasped Jazzy.

“The twenty first centaury!” Said Alex, smiling “get your head out of the past!”

“No matter” said Jazzy “Old school battling, is all I need to beat you, after all, It’s not about razzle-dazzle, It’s about how hard your hits are! Use bubble beam!”

“Burst those bubbles with drill peck, then, attack Wartortle!” yelled Alex.

Half of the bubble beam attack struck Prinplup, the other half was burst by drill peck as Prinpulp elegantly moved through the bubbles, striking Wartortle.

“Don’t think we’re weaklings! ” Yelled Jazzy “Ice punch, Now!”

“Metal Claw!” Yelled Alex “this battles just warming up”

“New moves don’t scare me!” Jazzy remarked, flicking her hair off her face.

Wartortle and Prinplup leapt at each other Wartortle took a swing a Prinplup with ice punch, Prinplup blocked Wartortle’s swing with metal claw and the attacks collided. Both Pokémon struggled to overpower their opponent.

“Now! Pound!” Yelled Alex.

“Tackle it!” Yelled Jazzy.

The brawling Pokémon clashed, both still trying to overpower their opponent, they gave it all they had left, and collapsed on top of each other.

“RETURN!” They yelled.

“I’ll show you yet!” Yelled Jazzy “Pikachu, it’s battle on time!”

“Oh yeah?! Said Alex “Well, If you fight fire with fire, then…. I call Pachirisu!”

“It looks like…. You Pikachu!” Jazzy said looking more than a little shocked “Never mind! Let’s cut to the chase, Thunderbolt!”

“Discharge Pachirisu!” Yelled Alex.

“Pika!”

“ChiiiPa!”

The room filled with yellow and blue electricity.

“A great battle indeed”

“HUH?” said Alex and Jazzy turning to see Celio standing in the doorway.

“I could hear you both from a mile away” Said Celio “But, I must say, this is incredibly interesting”

“Uhhhhhh…” Alex said, as Jazzy stared blankly into space.

“I’d say, that you might want to wind it down now.” Celio remarked “Bill will be along any second now and…. I’m not sure he’ll be completely happy to see you battling on his table.”

“Oh, Right. Return! ” Jazzy said.

“I told you so! Return!” Alex muttered.

“Ok” Called Bill bursting into the room, “the devices are all in place and – HEY! What are you two doing in here? And why are you standing on my table?!”

Celio smiled as Bill franticly tried to get answers out of the girls.

**************************
Alex sat on the hospital style bed.
I don’t get her she thought. one minute she slaps me across the face, the next she’s so perky and…… I’m pretty sure she’s…. an optimist. horror struck Alex who shivered at the very thought. My sister the optimist?!

“I hate optimists….” Alex sighed.

Alex felt pretty low. It had only just hit her, that ‘Jazzy’ was Jasmine the so called perfect sister she never knew. It wasn’t the same though. Alex had stared at pictures of her for so long she never thought of the one thing pictures couldn’t tell her. Jasmine’s personality. It was becoming all too clear to Alex why her parents compared her to Jasmine, Jasmine got great grades in school, Alex barely passed the third grade, Jasmine was optimistic and sweet, Alex despised optimism and was as ‘sweet’ as a hard kick in the face.

there’s something about her, despite how different we are….. Alex thought , remembering Jazzy’s care free – if not reckless- attitude towards staging their battle on the table. Alex and Jazzy had the same reckless streak, although not in the same way. Jazzy seemed to be more of a free spirit and Alex, she was just plain rebellious for the sake of being rebellious.

also this really IS a spoiler:
CHAPTER 4 'trailer'; chaos in Lavender town? and..... A charming stranger? And who IS this mystery pokemon? What will happen to Jasmine?
 
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