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Titans Of The Darkened Dimension

Grandmaster Chao

Well-Known Member
This is my first Fan Fic. I hope u like it.


Prologue

Deep, in the heart of Mt. Pyre, laid the hideout of Team Magma. The inside of the mountain was flowing with lava. The heat was so intense but the Magmas had gotten used to it now and were quite happy working there.

It had been three years since Trent’s father Maxie disappeared and Trent had been left in charge of the organisation. Team Magma had once been an evil organisation but when their plan to resurrect Groudon failed and almost destroyed the world they turned to good.

Trent, a fiery 14 year old red head, was in the control tower keeping the lava flow steady when a grunt came running in. “Sir. We’ve found something. “ he said gasping for breath.
“What is it?” Trent asked.
“It’s something we think you might like.” replied the grunt.
“Ok. Take me to it.” said Trent in wonder. When they reached the spot where the thing was Trent stepped back in astonishment.
“Is that what I think it is?” he asked.
“Yes sir. We’ve found the Magma Emblem.” replied the grunt.
“It’s glowing! You know what this means don’t you?” Trent asked.
“No sir. What does it mean?” replied the grunt, puzzled.
“It means…my dad Maxie is still alive!!” Trent shouted joyfully.
“That’s excellent sir but the question remains, where is Master Maxie?” asked the grunt.
“I don’t know,” he replied “But I do know one thing. My dad’s alive and I’m going to find him no matter how long it takes.”

Once Trent found a map of Hoenn and packed the supplies he needed, he set of on the perilous journey to find his father. Little did he know that a lot of dangers were lying ahead and a lot of new friends too.

Trent had been walking for a few hours now and had sat down by the stream to eat. He pulled out a jam sandwhich from his supply bag and started to eat away at it. Then suddenly, a Numel came running out from behind a bush. It looked scared. The little pokemon hid behind Trent, quivering. It was in shock. Trent turned around to look at it.
“Hello little Numel, what’s up?” he asked. But the Numel just huddled closer. Then a Poochyena came charging through the bush, growling and baring its teeth. But there was something odd about this Poochyena. It was not black. Trent stept back and reolised that this was no ordinary Poochyena. It was golden! Trent reached into his bag and took out a pokeball. He threw it but it missed the pokemon. The Poochyena fled in fear.
“Dam! I was so close too,” he said. He turned to sit down but triped over something. It was the little Numel.
"Are you still here?” he said. The Numel looked up at him and then jumped on his lap. Trent now realised that this Numel had found a new companion.

And so they both set off together down the grassy path to Forretree City.



Thanks 2 Ivymoonrose and Shining Kyogre for givin me advice!
 
Last edited:

Dilasc

Boip!
Paragraphing is your friend,
Kinda dull from start to end.

First off, don't use numeral keys in your fic. Always type the number out as words. It is a sign of laziness and lack of care to use numerals, not that there aren't worse things, and there are worse things here, trust me.

Paragraphing is your friend. There is no tab, so you must use enter twice between paragraphs.

DESCRIBE! What is a Numel? What if I did not know what a numel looks like! Give us a somehat vague description of the creature if you'd like, but just give us SOMETHING! Seriously, description is so very important.
 

Leon

Well-Known Member
it aint bad dude, but it seems better than when i read it this afternoon in the library, anyway, u want me 2 help with this 1??
 

Grandmaster Chao

Well-Known Member
Yeah. Maybe u should help Haru, and tanks for ur coment Dilasc.
 

Grandmaster Chao

Well-Known Member
Btw, please don't be so harsh Dilasc, and constructive criticism would be appreciated instead of sarcasm!
 

Leon

Well-Known Member
I showed u the edit post button yesterday, so no need to double post, and like i said outside german, dilasc's critisism is constructive!!!
so u want me 2 write chappie 2??
 

Dilasc

Boip!
I was no flaming you, as was said earlier. Anyway, I have a suggestion for you, Super Groudon. I want you to read some high star rated fics and see what you can pick up from their writing styles. Read carefully, and pay attention to the style, but don't deprive yourself of enjoying a good plot. After you dio that, take what you've learned from all these stories, and see if you can mimic them in your own offbeat blend of intrinsics.
 

Grandmaster Chao

Well-Known Member
Yeah Dilasc. I'll do dat. Tanks! Haru could u start as soon as please?
 

Raito

HADOUKEN!
Slightly above par but I can make it better. In Texas, USA where we have to take the stupid TAKS writing in 7th grade, we work on writing a lot.

Paragraphs are made when you switch somewhat of a Topic or when someone else says something so just make a line between each piece of Dialogue since Serebii doesn't have tabs or multiple spaces on column one. Descrribe everything! I like how you described how they said something but describe pokemon to, is it shiny. I can picture trent's head but I can only assume the rest from Maxie's body, You see where i'm coming from?

Hope I helped
 

blackemerald

Well-Known Member
Sort of dull. Type numbers out as words as it makes you look like someone who isn't a lazy writer. Description is lacking which I find important in this fic because, from the looks of things, Trent is going to go on a long journey, meeting lush locations on the way. Make me feel as if I'm right there watching everything.

Tabs don't work in Serebii so use the enter button after the story changes to a different location, time or after someone speaks. The story also felt too chopy.

Please don't double post. There is a icon called edit. Use it.
~B.E
 
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