1. We have moved to a new forum system. All your posts and data should have transferred over. Welcome, to the new Serebii Forums. Details here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders
    Dismiss Notice

To Dust

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Lily, Apr 23, 2011.

  1. Lily

    Lily you were the one.

    :> Hai derr.

    PG-13 for some strong language.

    To Dust
    ch 1.

    This morning, it was a city. Now, I've been to all sorts of cities in my life, but I could tell this was a special city.

    “Where have you taken me now?” I asked softly, clucking my tongue. Ren curled up in my arms, dozing off. I patted him fondly before sighing.

    It was definitely on the brink of winter. The cold wind nipped at my bare skin and everyone walking by me wore heavy clothes, their thick scarves and coats brushing against me. Few people gave me cursory glances—first at my thin shawl and dress, then at Ren—and hurried on.

    “It seems everyone is busy here. How oddly they dress. It certainly reminds me of Goldenrod,” I remarked. Ren, fast asleep, did not answer. Following the tide of people, I started walking.

    “Money for the poor, money for the poor,” someone called out. I stopped at the sound of a few coins jangling in a tin can. A man sat cross-legged next to a building. Sheets of grimy newspapers were spread out under him. Noticing my gaze, he quickly held the can up to me, muddy brown eyes pleading.

    “Oh dear,” I said, sighing. “Oh dear.” Carefully balancing Ren with one arm, I reached into the pocket of my dress, rummaging around for a few coins.

    “Will this do?” I asked kindly, dropping the coins in his can.

    The man peered into the can and pulled out the coins.

    “Lady, are you shitting me?”

    I blinked.


    He held up the three coins on his palm and violently tossed them across the sidewalk. This drew some bystanders' attention.

    “You think this is a joke, lady? You think it's fun messing with the homeless man? You think I'm that dumb? That I have no ****ing pride left?”

    I could tell the man was getting angry. I clutched Ren tighter, confused. He stood up, wobbling on his steps. The air around him reeked of onions and alcohol. By now, more people were stopping around the little unfolding scene.

    “You think I'm dumb, huh? Every last one of you think so, too!” he yelled, swinging his arm. We were fully surrounded by people. “Think it's funny, lady? Giving me toy money?” he spat, glaring at me.

    “I don't understand, sir. Toy money?” I took a step back right as he took a step forward. I was holding Ren not only to support him, but because I was afraid I would collapse out of fear if I didn't. Some of the onlookers pulled out their phones.

    'Please wake up,' I begged to myself.

    The man slowly inched toward me, reaching into his pocket. Why wasn't anyone stopping him? Ren stirred in my arms.

    “Yeah, you must be laughing. Real funny, huh? Don't worry, I'll show you real funny...”

    “And that's what happened,” I recalled, taking another sip of hot tea. “Luckily, Ren woke up just in time.”

    “Fascinating,” Seth whispered, circling the now sleeping Ren. “Absolutely fascinating. It's a phenomenon, really.” He straightened up, facing me. “You must have been terrified out of your mind.”

    I chuckled, responding, “Oh, maybe it was just a bit too exciting for an old woman like me.” I set the cup down, turning to Ren. “So you don't know what's causing it?”

    Seth shook his head. He took a seat across from me, helping himself to some tea.

    “I'm afraid not. I've never heard of such an unusual case. Erratic, rogue teleportation. Not only that, but...” He raised an eye. “This city you've described to me.”

    I hesitated.


    “I admit, of all the things that disturb me, it's where you ended up this time. Laila,” he said, crossing his legs. “Are you sure you still want to keep Ren? You know your secret is safe with me, but given your last encounter, I can't help thinking if staying with Ren is the best thing to do.”

    Before I could speak, Seth held up a hand.

    “Wait. Let me finish. Even here, should Ren's secret ever be found out, you can bet he'll be whisked off to some facility in the middle of nowhere. And the city. Laila, the city.” Seth shook his head. “I've travelled a fair bit myself, and I can assure you there is no place on earth like the city you've described. The clothes, the stores, the signs, the 'toy money'—nothing adds up.”

    “What are you implying, Seth?” I asked nervously.

    “I'm not implying anything, Laila. Quite frankly, I think Ren has taken you some place not on this earth, this time. In this world, even.”

    I sat for a moment, stunned. Seth finished his cup of tea and let out a long, weary sigh.

    “Of course, I'm your friend. You know I'd never turn you or Ren in. But I'm just concerned for your safety. Think about it carefully, Laila. You might not get off so lucky next time. As for Ren, well...” He trailed off, gesturing to the table where Ren was beginning to wake up. “I won't say anything. But please,” he said, grabbing my arms as I stood up, “just be careful.”

    Staring into the eyes of my only childhood friend of so many years, I couldn't help but cave in, nodding.

    “I will.”

    I took the small Abra in my arms, wrapped both of us in my shawl, and left Seth's house just as the sun began to set.

    “I promise,” I said quietly.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2011
  2. MudkipsAreAwesome

    MudkipsAreAwesome I was there.

    Wow... I'm liking the way this fic is starting out. Major suspense immediately. Just what the heck did Ren and Laila do? I'm gonna have to stay tuned for that. However, I copy and pasted it into word, and.. it does not fit the 2 page requirement. I guess you could make it longer next time? Can't wait for chapter 2.
  3. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Irememberyoulol No, really. I always enjoyed your stories and the style you write in, so it's really nice to see you around again.

    And so quickly I am reminded why I love your stories. I really like this introduction paragraph, mostly because it takes a semi-common introduction element ("this morning") but then structures the following lines in a quirky way where it's anything but common-sounding for the reader. Looking back on it, I realize that there's another layer to it: while this sort of event is slightly jarring for the reader, your narrator describes the event in a way that illustrates that this sort of thing happens to her quite a bit.

    The more I read on and understand what's going on, the more I really dig your introduction for its initial strangeness.

    I love how this scene unfolded. I also like how your character didn't seem initially distressed by where she is (again, commenting that her teleporting about randomly must happen to her a lot) and only seemed to panic when under threat rather than not being somewhere familiar. I'm not sure if you intended it or not, but there's something off-putting about her dialogue. It's still understandable, of course, and is obviously in the same language as everyone else, but there's something ... weirdly different about it. I'm not exactly sure what. It might just be my brain playing tricks on me. It might just be the conflict between these two characters, with the homeless man's dialogue being rougher around the edges and Laila's dialogue being a little more refined, what with her repeating "Oh, dear" twice. (I never hear anyone say that, so maybe that's why I'm so freaked out by it. =P)

    Anyway, I liked the dialogue between these two characters. You can totally sense Laila's fear bubbling through her calm demeanor and the homeless man not being totally right in the head.

    No need for the comma after "him."

    The second sentence I feel is biting commentary on our society today. =P It is sadly true; a lot of people would pull out their phones and record what's going on rather than try to intervene. Hurrah bystander effect.

    I don't really recommend single quotation marks for thought as some people do use single quotation marks for spoken dialogue. That and you can afford to have Laila's thought bleed into her narrative since this is told from a first-person perspective, the first person being her. Though it's interesting that she begged this to herself rather than Ren.

    The punctuation of your dialogue does work, but I'm debating if you meant for the sentence "Laila, are you sure you still want to keep Ren?" to be kept as one sentence. Currently it flows: "Laila. Are you sure ..." which is a little ... odd but works. If it is one sentence, you need to change up the outside punctuation around your dialogue (period after "legs" should be a comma" and "are" should be lowercase).

    Eh, I get what you're saying but then my mind keeps saying, "I think he just said the same thing." Is "universe" any better in place of "world?" I suppose you could interchange "world" with the grander "universe," but you could also interchange "world" with the slightly smaller "earth."

    Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter. I'll be sticking around. =P
  4. Lily

    Lily you were the one.

    <3 <3 Thanks a bunch for the review. I always appreciated them, Breezy. Nice to see you're still around here, too. Writing is a little dusty so thanks a bunch. :D

    Ch 2
    The very first place Ren took me was a park. It was the park Seth and I used to frequently play as children, and the park where I now sat on the bench and watched children play, instead. Strangely enough, I found myself amidst tall grass, clutching Ren. My head felt light and woozy.

    “I was baking an apple pie,” I thought out loud. “And here I am, in a park. Am I going daft already?”

    “Miss! Miss!” a young boy shouted out. Unsure if this was a dream, I turned around. He couldn't have been more than ten. He wore a wide brimmed straw hat, white sleeveless shirt and shorts. He carried a net and what looked like a toolbox.

    “Miss!” he said, catching up to me. He panted, struggling to form words. “M-Miss, i-it's dangerous in t-tall grass, d-don'tcha know...?”

    “Is it?”

    The boy nodded furiously, explaining, “You can run into wild Pokémon in tall grass. You should at least have another one besides your starter.” He pointed at Ren. I was utterly confused.


    “Yeah. It's a—oh, gosh, miss! Behind you!”

    “Behind me...?”

    I turned around, only to see nothing but tall grass and a small yellow worm-like creature crawling through it. I sighed, relieved.

    “Why, it's just a—“

    “It's a Weedle! A wild Weedle!” the boy crowed, jamming his fist in the air. “Don't worry, miss, I got this. I'm a Pokémon trainer, you see,” he said, grinning. For some reason, my heart ached.

    I watched as he pulled out a Pokéball, sending out yet another worm-like creature, except this one was green and was more like a caterpillar.

    “If this is a dream, it is the strangest one I've had yet,” I said to no one in particular, watching as Caterpie tackled the Weedle into submission. The poor thing couldn't move anymore. It let out a pathetic mewling sound before collapsing on the ground.

    “Alright! Good job, Caterpie!” the boy yelled excitedly. A brief beam of red light, then it disappeared back inside the Pokéball.

    “What's going to happen to it?” I asked with a touch of sadness. The boy gave me a blank expression.

    “What, the Weedle? Who cares about it? Probably get eaten or something.” He shrugged, then gave me a big grin. “You should get out of the tall grass, now. More of them might come at you, miss.”


    He cheerfully waved at me before running off. I felt dizzy. The sun was beating on my back and to my dismay, I realized I was in the middle of the park with no shoes.

    “Were you the one who took me here, Ren?” I whispered into his head. He did not respond. I could vaguely hear children laughing, Pokémon screaming, and my own heart pounding. My eyes found their way back to the Weedle, still collapsed on the ground.

    A bird, two birds, then three—three Pidgeys swooped down, pecking at the dying Weedle.

    “They're eating it, Ren,” I said raspily, throat dry from the heat. “They're eating it.”

    I watched helplessly at the bug, no longer resembling a bug, but bits and pieces of what might have been a bug. And the Pidgeys, with their tiny beady eyes, staring at me as they kept eating and eating and eating—

    “Laila, are you listening to me?”


    I jerked my head up. Seth peered at me, his forehead creased with worry. I immediately plastered on a smile.

    “Ah, I'm fine. I guess I didn't get enough sleep last night. You know, thinking about everything and all.”

    “You should take care of your body more. You aren't young anymore,” he said, frowning. I waved it off.

    “Don't worry about me. It's because I'm tired. I will rest when I get home. Continue with what you were saying,” I said, trying my best to appear nonchalant. He paused, unsure of my response, and then took a deep breath.

    “Like I was saying, what will happen if you get teleported to that strange city again? And from the looks of it, once Ren falls asleep, you're completely rendered helpless. Not like you had much control to begin with, but Ren's state of consciousness is important—”

    “Aren't you thinking about this too much, Seth?” I interjected. “I'll be okay, really. I've actually come to expect these trips, as silly as that sounds.”

    “Laila, these aren't just simple 'trips.' You're being teleported Arceus knows where and you expect me to sit back and relax?” he asked, frustrated. He slumped back into his chair, rubbing his head. I felt guilty for causing so much burden.

    “I'm sorry,” I started to say, but he shook his head.

    “It's fine. Listen, I'm just stressed. Come back tomorrow, okay? We can talk more then. I just...I just need to think for now,” Seth muttered, avoiding my eyes. Again, my heart ached, but I conceded.


    I gently lifted Ren from his sleeping position and once again, wrapped both of us in my shawl. Summer afternoons were quickly fading.

    “Goodbye, Seth.”

    “Goodbye, Laila,” came his faint voice as I closed the door. “Have a safe trip home.”

    “I will,” I answered.

    But I didn't.
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2011
  5. floracat

    floracat Give me your food.

    Hmmm. For some reason, I think that Laila got transported to our world. The man on the street said she gave him toy money. Well, Pokemon world money has to be different than our money, right? And it sounded like the man was going to do something bad to her, like cut her up or something. Well, unfortunately, it sounds like something someone in this world would do.
  6. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    As much as I like this sentence, the clause in bold is a little awkward. It sounds like it's missing a word or two.

    I love this boy's enthusiasm, haha. You do quite well characterizing characters that we only see briefly.

    How jarringly realistic. I actually never thought about the pokemon that end up "fainting" in the game/anime, but for them to be eaten is probably sadly true. I think it's sadder that this particular weedle wasn't even trying to attack anyone; it was the boy that initiated the attack and won, and for that the weedle suffered the consequences. And the boy doesn't seem to really care, either ...

    I has a sad. I love your repetition of "eating" btw. It makes the narrative, especially paired up with your simple descriptors of the torn up bug, seem so much more naive.

    This is kind of a weird place to comment, but I like that your main character is an older character instead of someone in their early to late teens. There aren't enough OC older character fics in this fandom. =P (That or I don't read enough of them.)

    Loved this ending.

    Your style is very nice to read in; you really know how to use and string together your words so they leave an impact. I also like how you describe things where it seems to have a point rather than "describing for the sake of describing." The sentence where Laila realizes she's standing in the park barefoot was my favorite bit.

    Will be around for chapter three, hopefully. =P
  7. Lily

    Lily you were the one.

    Yus, it was New York City. ^^

    Wow, thanks so much! I'm fixing all the little awkward things you point out in the document. I am very happy the simple style works. I really enjoy writing in a sense that the meaning is still there, but everyone can understand it without having to pull out a thesaurus or something. XD

    And I guess it goes with time, but as I find myself older than my younger writer counterpart years ago, writing about older people interests me a lot more. You just don't see many fanfictions with them, in my opinion, but there are so many possibilities for them.

    Once again, many thanks.
  8. Only error I found:

    You're missing a "to"?

    Well, it looks interesting, though I can't really say much since you haven't revealed too much to the readers. It sounds really intriguing, though, what with all this teleporting business and someone who interprets / guides them and the precaution in the first chapter about Ren being "turned in". I feel that once you do start to reveal stuff, it'll be one of those "woah" moments. XD

    I would've liked more description on the characters though. The only thing I know about Laila is that she isn't that young, and for everyone else it's all blank, Seth in particular. Of course, if you mean to not be descriptive, then I have nothing against it. Just something I took note of.

    Of course, with a really good cliffhanger like that, you'll expect this reader to come back for it to be resolved. XD Can't wait for Chapter Three!
  9. Lily

    Lily you were the one.

    Edited in the 'to!'

    Yeah, I might have skimped on the description, a bit. I do agree that right now, Seth is a blob of a character (and Laila, possibly). I'll be sure to keep that in mind for the next chapter.

    Thank you for the review, it really helps! Been so long since I got nice feedback. X_X
  10. floracat

    floracat Give me your food.

    Yahooo!!! I knew Abra took her to our world! Anyway, this is a really cool story. I can't wait to see what you do with this, it's really interesting. Can you put me on the PM list? If you have one, that is.
  11. Lily

    Lily you were the one.

    I don't have a PM list. ;_; On another note, this is getting harder to write.


    “Eight badges, eight gyms. How long d'you reckon 'til I reach the league?” he asked, drawing figures on the dirt ground with a stick.

    “Oh, I dunno. Must be a long time, I guess.” I continued to stare at the big, fluffy clouds.

    “A super long time,” he agreed, finishing his poor rendition of a Charizard. “It must be fun. A long journey.”

    “I guess.”

    “You don't seem very excited about this.”

    I shrugged, replying, “Why would I be? It sounds awfully tiring.”

    “Well,” he said, blushing slightly, “I thought we agreed to go together! On a journey.”

    I laughed, facing him.

    “I only said maybe.”

    “W-Well, you promised,” he retorted, throwing the stick away. He crossed his arms. “You promised me. You promised to go on a journey with me when I turned ten. You promised you'd stay with me until I reached the league! You promised!”

    He stood across me, smiling sadly.

    “How many more promises are you going to break, Laila?”

    “I don't know,” I said quietly, holding Ren. “I don't know where I am but I must admit I don't like this place.”

    It was true. I was in a cemetery. It was cloudy and dismal, the familiar cold circling us. I shivered and held Ren closer. I could not feel my nose, ears or fingers.

    “Of all places this time,” I commented, struggling to smile. I could not. Cemeteries depressed me, and for a good reason. They only reminded me of my ethereal life. Yesterday, I was nine and suddenly, decades later, I had trouble finding my socks every single morning. Was that why I looked forward to Ren's antics? Remembering Seth's words, though, I winced.

    “I must apologize to him again,” I told Ren, who was sleeping, “I feel terrible now. He is only worried about me, after all...”

    I sighed and forced myself to look at my surroundings.

    I knew I wasn't in Lavendar Town. I could not spot the tower anywhere. All I could see were fields and fields with endless gray slabs of stones sticking out. The grass was a pale, sickly yellow. As cemeteries went, this one was quite gloomy.

    “I don't recognize this place at all. I feel as if you're taking me farther and farther away, sometimes,” I told Ren, despite the fact my words were heard by no one. Talking comforted me, so I continued as I walked past the gravestones.

    “And I can't tell if there's a pattern, unfortunately. I was never good at noticing things. At times, I can't even tell if I'm dreaming. Why me, I wonder? Suppose someone else had found you instead; suppose a more adventurous person than myself had found you. I am sure their story would be far more exciting. I cannot weave a tale for my life.”

    The air grew chillier. I coughed lightly, holding the shawl closer.

    “But I do not regret finding you. I am, I suppose, happy. You have made life a bit more interesting. Seth tells me it's a phenomenon. I simply see you as a friend.”

    Upon the last word, I stopped walking. No matter what direction I took, everything looked exactly the same—rows and rows of gravestones, dead grass, gray sky, and a large, crooked tree.

    “Oh dear,” I murmured. My chest felt heavy and for some reason, I felt uneasy. “I feel like I'm walking in circl—hmm? Tree?”

    In the distance, I could see a silhouette of a person standing in front of one of the gravestones, next to the tree. My vision was poor, but it wasn't so poor as to miss another human being, let alone a tree, in this vast, empty cemetery.

    “I know I was alone,” I said, gripping Ren tighter. “I know I was alone,” I repeated, if only to reassure myself. Nevertheless, curiousity got the best of me and I approached the figure. He was a man, I could see. He donned a long, black coat and a hat. He was facing down, making it difficult to see his face.

    “Excuse me,” I called out politely. He did not look up. Perhaps he couldn't hear me.

    “Excuse me,” I called out again. He still did not look up. Perplexed, I walked closer to him, but my presence still went unnoticed.

    “...ou,” he whispered. I could barely hear what he was saying. Feeling bold, I walked even closer, ending up right next to him.

    “...you,” he whispered again, and this time, he raised his head and faced me. I immediately recognized his gaunt face, blue eyes, and hair streaked with gray.

    He grabbed my shoulders, taking a step closer. Startled, I attempted to take a step back but found my feet rooted to the ground.

    “I missed you,” he said hoarsely, “I did, I really missed you. Where are you now? Why did you leave?”

    My whole body trembled.

    “I don—“

    I missed you. I miss you. Where are you now?”

    “I do—”

    I miss you!” he yelled, digging my nails into my shoulders. I cried out from the pain, tears threatening to emerge. He leaned in closer until his face was directly in front of me. Shaking, he began to weep.

    “I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, Laila, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I really do, so why did you—”
  12. floracat

    floracat Give me your food.

    Oooooh. What a creepy chapter. Wonder who the heck the guy was. Is Laila going to be coming back to our world again?
  13. Oh, wow. o_O

    First, a few errors I found:

    o_o Interesting sentence. I assume nothing's wrong and it's actually such because of Laila's unique predicament, so, uhh, yeah.


    But Ren could hear them...? [I know what you mean, though, no one referring to no person]


    That was creepy and...well, creepy. XD You surely have no trouble putting readers at the edge of their seats. ;)

    My problem with this chapter was the ending. While in the previous chapter I really liked your cliffhanger, this one's ending was more "now what?" than "oh shi-, what's gonna happen next?". It doesn't have that cliffhanger feeling; it's more incomplete than unresolved. I actually thought you weren't finished with the chapter yet.

    The rest of the chapter, though, was good. The beginning either gives insight to Laila's relationship with Seth or introduces a new character altogether - either way, it was nicely written. Can't wait for the next installment! =)

Share This Page