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Towards The End(and Love) [PG-13}

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by BlueMew7, Jul 27, 2009.

  1. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    So this is my first Fan Fic. I really hope you guys like it. I've decided to post both the intro and the first chapter since the two of them are very different from each other. Any reviewer can post here. Comments from people who aren't reviewers are also welcomed. Enjoy!

    Towards The End (and Love) [PG-13]
    Rated PG-13 for some language, sexual innuendo, violence, and disturbing images and situations.


    Chu-Chung! Chu-Chung! SCREEEEEEECCHHH!!!!!!!! WOOSHH!!!!!
    The sounds of the metallic building being ripped apart could be easily heard even outside the large and intimidating structure . Hundreds of frightened people were forced to stay behind the caution tape that surrounded the towering, metal beast. Mothers were screaming in horror as they saw large chunks of it fall from such a high height; for fear that their loved ones that had gone into the metal death trap or worked in it, were misfortunate enough to be inside the falling metal chunk. However, some mothers were shouting with joy as they saw their child being brought down by professional Pokemon Trainers.

    The police had called in some of these trainers since there were so many policemen that had been scattered across the Sinnoh region. It was very rare that the policemen would have to request these trainers, but today was not an ordinary day. These trainers were being requested around the whole region because of similar disasters to the collapsing building. They were happening all around the region, but the strangest part about it was that they all seemed to start at the same time. However, this was never proven.

    One of the Pokemon trainers stumbled down the steps at the entrance, holding a crying child in his hands. This trainer had large, deep, black wounds across his face. One very noticeable wound was a large and wide scrape that was clearly swept across the man’s right cheek. Already, the white nerves were coming together as thin, white threads in order to close up the wound. Black muscle was oozing out of the wound. Several people gasped at the disgusting sight, and the women had their hands covered over their mouths as they saw it. The brave trainer didn’t notice the wound until later. Though, he wouldn’t care when he would see it.

    “Sir, we have evacuated all of the children from the building,” said one of the policemen.

    “Very good. Alright men! Let’s clear it out!” said the chief policeman.

    “NO!!!!!” It was one of the mothers that had let out the cry. “My son is still up there!”

    “Ma’am, I assure you, everyone has been evacuated. I am going to have to ask you to leave,” said the chief.

    “You think I wouldn’t know that my son is still up there?? I am his mother, damnit! I know he is up there!!” This mother was obviously not going to give up so easily. She would have to fight in order to save her own child.

    “Alright men! Let’s go! Move it!” said the Chief, who obviously ignored the mother’s cry.

    “No! Stop! He is still up there!”shouted the mother.

    A different trainer had overheard the conversation and decided that he needed to check to see if anyone was still in the building.

    “Alright Alakazam,” he said calmly as he released it from its pokeball, “I need you to search that building for any survivors.”

    The Alakazam nodded and searched the structure with its psychic powers. The telekinetic Pokemon jumped startled. It told his trainer that there was still something up there. The woman and the chief continued screaming at each other. The trainer had about enough of their bickering and broke the conversation.

    “Chief! She’s right! There is still somebody up there!”

    “How do you know?” he responded.

    “My Alakazam saw it. There isn’t just one, but two of them! One of them is a trainer!”

    “So? Maybe your Alakazam is wrong. Ever thought about that?” the Chief asked. He no longer cared who survived or died. The Chief had been here all day, but so had the others that were on duty. They never complained. So why should the Chief, of all people, complain? If this man had a conscious, he would have cared more.

    “I know he is right, sir,” the trainer responded.

    The chief sighed, “Very well. Men! Do not leave! We still have others that need to be evactuated. All officers standby!”

    The building continued to collapse, and the awful shrieks and cries were released from worried people’s mouths. There was another trainer, one of the more elite ones, that was still in the dying, man-made skyscraper. There was a trapped baby underneath some sharp metal that was drenched in its own blood. It did not shock the trainer though. He had seen a lot of things far worse than this.

    “Alright Charizard, I need you to melt that metal WITHOUT hurting that baby! Go!”

    The Charizard puffed out its chest and released a white-hot flamethrower on the metal. The Charizard did not injure the baby, fortunately.

    “Charizard, Let’s keep moving.”

    And on that note, the daring trainer picked up the baby and sprinted out of what was left of the building. The mother wept with joy as she saw her baby being carried out. Immediately, the trainer ran to the ambulance and asked the doctors what they could do.. The mother was given the news that her baby would have to be taken to the hospital right away, but was assured that her baby would be ok. The iron beast’s towering reign had now ended as it distorted and crumbled to the ground, releasing a large cluster of dark smoke and dust.

    “Alright, now we can move out. Let’s go men!” the chief commanded.

    One by one, each of the police cars left, as did the trainer’s. However, the trainer with the Charizard, and the one with the Alakazam, stayed behind and chatted.

    “Do you know what happened?” asked the trainer with the Charizard.

    “I don’t know, I just received a call that there was a building that was suddenly collapsing. They gave us no report as to what exactly caused it.”

    “Do you think anyone knows what happened?”

    “With every situation that has a mysterious cause like this one, there is bound to be a group of people or at least one person that knows the true story behind the situation, but honestly, no. I don’t think anyone knows what happened.”

    “Well it was just a freak accident, right? I mean, it’s not like it was anything too serious.”

    “Every situation has some seriousness, including this one.” He paused for a moment. He sighed and then said, “I don’t know, man. I think there was something behind this.”

    “Look, buildings collapse all the time. Well, maybe not all the time, but you get what I mean. Do you really think that somebody caused this on purpose? Better yet, do you think a single person or thing caused this? Come on, man.”

    “I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem natural that...”

    “You know what?” the other trainer interrupted, “let’s just go and be done with it. It’s all in the past now and everyone else has left. Besides, it’s been a long day and we should probably head back to our homes.”

    “You’re probably right. Let’s go.”

    The other trainer smiled and walked back. The one with the Alakazam stopped for a second and looked back at the remains of the building and sighed.

    “Come on!” Forget about it!” the other trainer was far away so he had to shout to the trainer.
    “Right,” the trainer with the Alakazam murmured.

    Chapter 1: Shocking News

    “Yes!! I got my 8th Sinnoh badge!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!! POKEMON CHAMPIONSHIP HERE I COME!!!!! BRING IT ON!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

    Ethan and Nicole were outside of the gym sitting on a bench with their chins rested on their hands. The one that was cheering for himself was Daniel.

    Ethan was not a young man, but he was not a boy. He was 15 years old. He had semi-long light-brown hair, but it wasn’t close to being as long as how a female has her hair, with faint streaks of blonde strands of hair. He was roughly 5'6" and moderately thin. He had hypnotic grey eyes that always surprised people when they saw them for the first time. He wore a black beanie on his head with a red pokeball symbol on the front of it. Ethan always wore a black jacket with a creative symbol on the back of it. He always had the jacket unzipped unless he was forced to zip it up. Underneath the jacket was just a plain grey shirt. He also wore moderately tight jeans. They were not tight enough to be considered skinny jeans. He always wore a silver ring on his ring finger on his right hand.

    Nicole was the same age as Ethan, but she was around 4 months older than him. She was also 5'6" and quite thin. She had beautiful, long, straight black hair that reached down to the middle of her back. She had piercing blue eyes that seemed to always be full of delight. She also wore a purple beanie on her head with a pokeball symbol on the front of it. Nicole wore long purple boots. She always wore a sleeveless, pink shirt with a white miniskirt. The skirt was a little bit longer than the average super short miniskirt.

    Daniel was about a month older than Ethan. He was 5'8" and moderately thin. He wore an orange collared shirt with short sleeves and khaki pants. He had emerald green eyes with short blonde hair.

    Ethan was a Pokemon trainer, and an excellent one too. He had started his journey as a Pokemon trainer when he was 10 years old. He started his journey in the Sinnoh region. He was not a very good trainer when he started. He couldn’t even get one gym badge. He would try over and over again to get a gym badge, but he would always fail. The worst part for Him wasn’t that he had lost so many times, it was that he had no friends to comfort him. He had not yet bonded with his pokemon enough for them to care about how he felt. It was quite sad in the sense of the emotion, and in the sense of it being pathetic, and pathetic in the sense of it being pitiful. So He decided to leave Sinnoh without even getting a single gym badge and headed for Kanto. From Kanto, he went to Johto, then to Hoenn, then to the Kanto Battlefrontier, and then back to Sinnoh. Ethan met his companions in Sinnoh the second time he had come there. He first met Her in Sandgem Town. She had been walking out of Professor Rowan’s lab with a pokeball in her hand. She was the one that came to Him. She asked Him many questions and it seemed to confuse Him as to why She asked Him such specific questions about various Pokemon related things. The conversation after the questions was very long. They had gotten to know quite much about each other within that one conversation. So He invited Her to come with him for the journey. She thought about it for awhile and then finally said yes. He had met Daniel after he had defeated the first gym leader in the Sinnoh region. Daniel was a very hyperactive individual. Despite that, he was very knowledgeable about the world of Pokemon in many of its aspects. Not only that, but he was very knowledgeable about many various things. Daniel could also be a very serious person. When Daniel wasn’t in that serious mood, he was overly optimistic.

    “You think he would have been out faster,” Ethan murmured, obviously really bored, as was Nicole.

    “Tell me about it, it took us at least 30 minutes for us to get our 8th gym badge,” she said with the same boredom in her voice.

    “He was in there for over 3 hours. He’s lucky that we didn’t just walk out on him and leave,” he said.

    They both paused and watched as Daniel kept jumping up and down and making a fool out of himself.

    “Should we tell him?” asked She.

    “We can tell him later once he calms down,” answered He.

    “We could just tell him now before he keeps rubbing it in our faces and talks about how he is going to be the Pokemon champion,” she said.

    He shrugged, “That works too.”

    “YEAH!!!!! LET’S GO!!!! I AM GOING TO WIN THIS!!!!”

    “Hey Daniel!” he yelled.

    “Hey! I got my 8th gym badge!” said Daniel in excitement.

    “Uh... yes, we know,” he responded, “I hate to break it to you Daniel, but the championships were last month. You have to wait a whole 11 months before the new championships tournament begins.”

    “Oh...,” Daniel sounded disappointed, “Well, there’s always next year right??” he sounded more hopeful. Daniel was the type of guy that would bounce very quickly from any negative situation.

    “Yes, but it took you 3 hours to get your 8th gym badge, and it took Ethan and I 30 minutes,” said Nicole.

    “So? That doesn’t mean anything,” said Daniel.

    He put his hand on his forehead and ran it down his face, “Actually Daniel, Nicole and I made it to the semi finals and were both defeated in the tournament. Since it took you over 3 hours, I doubt you will even make it into the tournament,” he said.

    There was a pause.

    “It’s getting kind of late. We should probably get something to eat,” She suggested

    “Alright, let’s go,” he said.

    When the three of them got to the restaurant, Daniel barked in.

    “You know time doesn’t really mean anything in the case of battling.”

    She sighed, “Daniel you can’t just...”

    “We interrupt this program for some breaking news!”

    It was the television. Ethan and co. turned their heads to the left to see the t.v. screen.

    “This morning in Veilstone City, a large building collapsed. No source has been found as of yet. Investigators are doing their best to see what caused this disaster to occur. Thankfully, everyone was evacuated out of the building just in time thanks to a highly professional group of Pokemon trainers. What is strange about this happening, is that there were no bombs in the building, and all of the supports of the building were tight and sturdy. One source says that there was one trainer that had a feeling that this was caused by some sort of larger force. That idea was been discarded, as it is improbable. That concludes this breaking news. Now back to your program.”

    Ethan and co. turned their heads back. They looked at each other for less than a second. The waiter came by and gave them their food and they ate. After they had finished, Ethan began to speak.

    “Don’t you think that is a little strange, though? What if something ‘big’ was responsible for that building’s collapse?”

    “The newscaster said that was unlikely. Remember?” Nicole reminded.

    “I don’t know, those newscasters don’t know everything,” replied He.

    “Think about it though Ethan, buildings fall over usually do to construction malfunctions or whatever,” she said.

    “The newscaster said that the investigators said there was nothing wrong,” he said.

    “Those newscasters don’t know everything,” Daniel said and then smirked.

    “Well we can’t go to Veilstone city and find out for ourselves,” he said as he chuckled half kidding and half not.

    “Well, why couldn’t we?” asked Daniel.

    “You can’t be serious,” he said.

    “I wasn’t.”

    “We should probably get going now,” suggested She

    “Cool, let’s go set up for tonight,” he said.

    So the three of them headed down towards the sandy, white beach. Wingulls and Pelippers were flying out into the ocean; going to places of the unknown.

    While the three of them were walking on the beach, Nicole shouted enthusiastically, “I cannot wait for tomorrow!”

    Ethan chuckled, “Hmhm! Me too. It’s going to be great.”

    “Oh, come on! You can be more excited than that!” she said.

    He waved his hands in the air, “Ah. Yeah. Woohoo. This is going to kick ***,” he said very dully.

    “Fine. Don’t be excited then.”

    “I’m excited!” Daniel yelled.

    “Daniel, your always excited. If you lose a Pokemon battle your excited,” He said bluntly.

    “Well, I’m really excited!” he paused, “and it doesn’t matter if you lose, it only matters if you have fun!”

    “Daniel, that is so cliche and you know it,” He said.

    “It may be cliche, but it’s true.”

    “Well, not to me it isn’t, but if you want to believe that, then do it,” He said.

    The two of them started setting up their tent. Daniel was having trouble with setting the poles in between the rings on the tent and putting them in the sand.

    “How the hell do you do this?” he said annoyed.

    She was working on the other pole, but she went over to help Daniel anyway.

    “Here, I got it from here,” she said.

    “Woah, woah, woah! What are you doing?” Daniel asked.

    “Helping you?” she answered

    “Well, I didn’t ask for your help,” he pointed out.

    “Yeah, but you definitely need it.”

    “Just let me do it,” he said.

    “Ok, fine.”

    Daniel spent a few minutes trying to get the pole in the rings, but somehow the ten fell apart and they all would have to start over. Ethan shook his head and placed his hand on his forehead. Nicole just stared at Daniel with amusement, giving him the ‘I told you so’ look.

    Daniel sighed and muttered, “I need help,” he said with a monotone voice.

    Nicole just laughed and walked over to help Daniel, “If you just let me help you, this wouldn’t have happened you know,” she pointed out.

    “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

    Finally! The tent had been set up and they could all go to sleep, but for Ethan, sleep wasn’t going to happen.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2009
  2. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    Chapter 2: Restless Night​

    Ethan had been awake for three hours, trying to fall asleep. Nicole and Daniel were sound asleep. It could be possible the reason Ethan could not sleep was because of Daniel’s awful snoring. The subject of His snoring had been brought up to him, but he denied the fact that he snored every time. Most of the time, Ethan slept through His snoring and it was Nicole that would complain to him. Strangely enough, this was the first time Ethan had seen Nicole sleep through it. It was usually Nicole that would be wide awake during the night. She would look exhausted and honestly, she looked pretty terrible too. Daniel would be clueless and tell her that she looked terrible, unintentionally to make her angry. She would blame him for her bad hair, which most of the time really wasn’t bad at all. It was mostly her face. It’s a good thing the two of them never said that to her. Otherwise, they would both be dead, or at least severely injured. It would seem like hours when she would brush her hair in the morning, but Ethan expected that this would happen during the journey.

    The point was, Ethan just couldn’t go to sleep and there really wasn’t a reason for it. Ethan decided that only way he would be tired, is if he took a walk in the city. When he walked pass a building, a person walked out in front of him from the shadows. He was around the same age as Ethan. Slowly, the man walked up to him. Each of his foot steps created an echo. Tap-Tap. Tap-Tap, the echos whispered.

    “Who is it?” asked Ethan.

    The man turned his head. It was Ethan’s long time rival, Hunter. He was an amazing trainer, and a heartless one too. He had been Ethan’s rival ever since he came to Kanto for the first time.

    He was confused, “Hunter? What are you doing here?”

    “I was just about to ask the same thing,” replied He.

    “Well, why didn’t you?”

    “There’s no time for jokes,” he said and then paused, “there’s no way that you are going to the championships. Even if you do have all 8 of your badges. That means nothing to me.”

    “That’s how it works though. You get your badges and head for the Pokemon League,” he said knowing that he pointed out the obvious, “you of all people should know that the championships were a month ago.”

    “Didn’t you hear?” he said mockingly, “someone had cheated in the championships. It caused the judges to erase the line up and start up a new one. The ship that is suppose to be leaving for the Battle Frontier, is actually heading for the championships in Johto.”

    “Well, I have tickets,” He pulled them out for proof, “so I guess I will be at the championships.”

    “Give them up.”

    Ethan was surprised, “Excuse me? It’s your fault you didn’t get tickets, Hunter.”

    “Oh I have tickets. You would just be wasting your time if you went on the cruise. You know you would lose. Give up your tickets to somebody that actually needs them that will have a chance of doing far better than you.”

    He was very irritated by this, and his frustration was growing, but he could still contain it.

    “Well, I guess we will just have to find out who’s the better trainer. So, let’s battle.”

    Hunter merely grunted, “We’ll each use two Pokemon in a one on one battle.”

    “In the street? Right here?”

    “Why not? It doesn’t matter. I will win no matter where we battle.”

    He grunted in irritation and in slight anger. Ethan pulled out two Pokeballs and through one out onto the battlefield/street.

    “Roserade, come on out!” shouted Ethan.

    A Roserade emerged from the Pokeball and said its name.

    “Empoleon, let’s go!” shouted Hunter.

    An Empoleon also emerged from the pokeball.

    “You first,” said Hunter.

    “My pleasure,” He said smirking, “Alright Roserade! Sleep powder! Let’s go!”

    The Roserade did what He commanded. The Roserade released a powdery like substance that seemed to resemble a thicker version of pollen upon the Empoleon.

    “Dodge, Empoleon!”

    The Empoleon dodged it.

    Ethan was in shock. The Empoleon was fast! Really fast!

    “Now use Icebeam!”

    The Empoleon launched a large icebeam at the Roserade.

    “Dodge, Roserade!”

    Roserade was too slow, the icebeam hit Roserade. It was a critical hit! The Roserade plummeted to the ground. It was knocked out. Ethan rushed to his Roserade and picked it up in his arms. He told Roserade to have a nice long rest. He returned it to its Pokeball.

    “Ready to give up?” asked Hunter.

    “Not a chance!”

    Alakazam emerged from the Pokeball.

    “Alright Alakazam, use FocusBlast!”

    The Alakazam was twice as fast as the Empoleon. It was obvious that Empoleon was too slow to dodge the attack. The Alakazam put it’s fists together and then expanded them. In between the fists was a giant energy ball of compressed and focused energy. The Alakazam launched directly at the Empoleon’s head and it fell to the ground. However, it was not down for good. The Empoleon slowly got up and brushed off the attack. It was obviously still injured though. Empoleon’s special ability kicked in. It was called torrent. Now Empoleon’s water moves would be twice as strong as before! The Empoleon’s aura was now visible and blue. It shown all around its body.

    “Finish it Empoleon!” commanded He.

    The Empoleon cocked its head and then dropped it. It released a hydro pump from it’s mouth. The hydro pump hit the Alakazam dead on its head. The Alakazam was knocked out. He rushed over and returned Alakazam to it’s Pokeball. He stared over at Hunter and then shouted. He had lost his temper.

    “Who the hell battles with only two Pokemon? Why don’t we use three? Or all six? Let’s have a fair battle!”

    He turned his back to Him, “It was a fair battle. We each had two Pokemon, and you lost.”
    “I want a rematch,” he said plainly.

    There was a long period of silence.



    “You aren’t even worth battling you’re so pathetic. It must have taken more than a miracle to get your first gym badge. Maybe you should have stayed at home instead of coming out here to compete.”

    Ethan just stared.

    “You’re weak,” said Hunter.

    He was shocked by His statement. He was more sad than he was angry. Ethan was about to say something, but He had already left. He stood in place for a long time and then walked back to the beach. The time was now 1:30am.

    The wind was nice and smooth. It wasn’t too slow, and it wasn’t too fast. It was just at the right speed. He stared out at the sea for a very long time. Moments later, Nicole had walked out of the tent yawning and stretching. After she had figured out that Ethan was in front of her facing away from her, she became more awake.

    “Ethan? What are you doing out here so late? It’s,” she checked her Poketech to check the time, “1:30 in the morning. Could you not sleep because of Daniel’s snoring?”

    He only continued to stare at the vast sea.

    Nicole walked beside Him and stared out into the sea with him.

    “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Nicole said smiling.

    He nodded. Nicole’s voice became more caring, but at the same time, concerned. She frowned slightly.

    “Hey, are you ok?”

    He turned his head to Nicole, who was on his left side. He had a sad face. Nicole gave Him a comforting smile. She was ready to listen. She knew that Ethan had something he wanted to say.

    “I couldn’t sleep,” He said and he paused, “so I took a walk in Sunnyshore. I ran into Hunter during my walk and we had a battle.”

    “Hunter was here? How come?”

    “He’s here to go to the championships.”

    Nicole giggled, “The championships were last month.”

    “There was a callback. Someone had cheated, and now the cruise that was originally headed for the Battlefrontier is now headed for the championships in Johto.”

    Nicole nodded, but was still confused about one thing, “So what’s the problem?”

    He hesitated, “When I battled Him,”

    Nicole knew it was coming, and she dreaded the next two words that would escape from his mouth.

    “I lost,” he continued.

    Boom! The words hit Nicole like a bullet. The reason this was such a big deal was because Ethan had never won against Him before. After he was defeated by him before their encounter in Sunnyshore City, he trained, specifically to beat his team. The fact that he still lost badly against him after training for such a long time, was humiliating for Him.

    “I... I don’t...” Nicole stuttered.

    “I’m not good enough Nicole. I can’t beat him,” he said. He was obviously very depressed.

    Nicole didn’t know what to say.

    Ethan continued, “And it isn’t about me becoming the champion. I just want to show him that I can beat him without treating my Pokemon as slaves and treating them as friends.”

    Nicole just stared blankly at Him. However, she was in deep thought. She didn’t know how to comfort him, and that made Nicole feel helpless. That was the last thing she wanted to feel. She had felt helpless many times when Ethan was feeling this way. There was something about this time that was different. There was something very deep about His sadness, and Nicole was very concerned for him. He began to speak after a long period of silence.

    “But you know what? That’s not going to stop me from training. I promise that I will show Him the error of his ways. His words can’t keep me down forever,” he said with some confidence, “and I think he knows that,” he said with a slight smile.

    Nicole smiled. She was glad that Ethan was at least showing some sign optimism.

    “I’m going to take a walk. I need some time to think,” he said.

    Ethan turned to his right and began to walk. He took his hat off and held it limply in his right hand. When he turned, Nicole quickly responded and reached out her right arm towards His right shoulder. She attempted to place a comforting hand on it, but she could not reach it. She had acted too late, for Ethan had already began walking. Nicole’s comforting hand was no more than an inch away from his shoulder. Nicole could have come after him, but she decided not to. She knew he needed to be alone.

    “Ethan...” Nicole said quietly. There was care in her voice. She turned her head towards the ocean and stared out into it. Her eyes seemed to be lost in its beauty.

    He continued to walk, hands in his pockets, hat folding out of his right pocket. He stopped walking after awhile. He sat down and lied down on his back. He put his beanie back on his head, having it cover his eyes. A few Krabby and a few Corphish noticed Ethan. They walked towards him with their tiny, little legs. They got comfortable and laid beside him as he went to sleep.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2009
  3. Ysavvryl

    Ysavvryl Pokedex Researcher

    I like the fact that you used sound effects in the start, although I sincerely thought that it was a steam train at first. It's interesting that a cheater got the League to completely redo their big match. And that you're starting with someone who just earned their last regional badge after years of attempts at the Pokemon Leagues. I see a number of 'just starting out' Trainers and 'already been Champion' Trainers in beginnings, not this stage.

    But there's a lot of problems. This is difficult to read. You've got huge chunks of in-depth description (a bit too indepth). Scatter your description around so it doesn't read like a list. And there's also great big paragraphs, then long sections of dialogue. What happens is that the dialogue sections get read quickly, then the reader gets bogged down on the large paragraphs. Break those up too.

    And there's a lot of awkward wording, like this run-on: 'The police had called in some of these trainers since the majority of the policemen had Pokemon that were not capable of preforming such a dangerous task, and it was obvious that it was dangerous, because the next Pokemon trainer that came down from the building with a child in his hand had large, deep, black wounds across his face, one very noticeable wound was a very large one that was clearly swept across his right cheek'. There's three or four sentence ideas crammed into this one and makes it tricky to figure out. For instance, who's injured here, the Trainer or the child? It's made obvious later that it's the Trainer, but within the sentence, I thought it was the child.

    Also, I personally think that the first part of the sentence is unrealistic. Why would the police have poorly trained Pokemon? Think about police dogs: they are highly and specifically trained, for rescue, for bomb/drug detection, for restraining violent people. Policemen are adults, having more years to train their working Pokemon. Why wouldn't the police of the Pokemon world have similarly highly trained Pokemon? And before you comment on patrolmen Trainers in D/P, consider that they're simply patrol men of normally peaceful areas. The police force would call in their best to handle a collapsing building.

    The battle between Ethan and Hunter is pretty boring. It reads like the in-game transcript of the battles. And Ethan goes from one extreme (overexcited about the badge) to another (so bummed out by a loss that even a girl can't distract him...) so fast that it feels unrealistic. He doesn't feel very realistic. How does a dedicated League Trainer not know when the Championship Battles took place?

    And how is it that Ethan is not a young man, but not a boy, yet the same age as Hunter who is clearly stated to be a man?
  4. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    Daniel was the one that got his gym badge. It wasn't Ethan. Daniel has never been to the Pokemon League before.

    Keep in mind that the story isn't about these trainers going on a journey to get their gym badges. It's about a really big problem that develops way later in the story and they need to be at one of their high points in terms of battling experience if they want to survive. Plus, I didn't want to make the usual story of trainers going on a routine journey of badges and then taking on the pokemon league.

    I don't see how that is a problem. What do you mean, "not this stage"?

    I'm glad you mentioned that, because I wasn't sure how people would react to my odd writing style. I was on another php forum that was mainly based on writing stories. Most people there liked my writing and they were use to the huge paragraphs. So yeah, thanks for mentioning that. Now about the too indepth descriptions, that has been a big, and very bad habbit of mine because I have worked with writers on the forum I mentioned below who did not understand my writing because it wasn't specific enough. So I had to go ahead and get real indepth for those people, but I can assure you I can re-adapt to my old style of not being too indepth.

    I realize that the intro was really crappy. I wrote it about 3 months ago, but I guess that's no excuse.

    Again, a very crappy intro. I realize that it is very unrealistic. I'll go and edit the intro tonight.

    It was meant to be boring. The reason for that, is because they will no doubt have a rematch. They will use all six of their pokemon so it won't be such a short battle. The second reason it was so short was because the main focus of the chapter was not the battle, but the reaction of Ethan when he lost.

    Daniel was the one that got his eighth gym badge, not Ethan. I hope that makes things make more sense.

    Again, it was Daniel that got the league badge, not Ethan.

    Haha! I completely forgot about that! I thought I had edited that part out and fixed.
  5. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    Chapter 3: A Cruise Built For Three​

    When Ethan woke up, he was exhausted. He had gotten almost a full 5 hours of sleep the previous night. Nicole had gotten about 7 and a half hours of sleep. She had gone back to sleep a bit before Ethan fell asleep. Ethan pulled his beanie up over his eyes and shook off the sand on him as he slowly stood up. The Krabby and Corphish had already gone on their way before he woke up. He checked the time on his Poketech. His eyes widened. It was 6:30am! The cruise would leave in 30 minutes and he hadn’t even gotten back to the tent yet! He quickly ran back to the tent to find that Daniel was already ready to go, but Nicole was nowhere insight. Ethan checked the tent and saw that she was still fast asleep.

    “Nicole wake up!” Ethan yelled obnoxiously on purpose.

    Nicole was startled and jumped.

    “Wah! Huh? What’s going on?” she asked.

    “We have to hurry if we want to make it to the cruise!” said Ethan.

    “How much time do we have?” she asked as she stretched her arms and yawned.

    “25 minutes,” he answered kind of bluntly.

    “Ah! We don’t have much time left! Let me get ready,” she searched her clothes and picked them up. She looked at Ethan, “Get out! Let me change!” she shouted.

    Ethan was startled and he half gulped and half grunted, “Guah! Sorry,” and he quickly walked out the tent. He had already changed in the morning before he came back to the tent. He walked away from the tent and then heard Nicole’s cry.

    “Agh!! My hair!”

    It was Nicole. Ethan face palmed, but laughed at the same time. He knew it would at least take 30 minutes for Nicole to “fix her hair”.

    “Nicole,” Ethan was still outside the tent, “Just wear your beanie until we get on the cruise. Then you can fix your hair.”

    Nicole groaned, “Ugh, fine.” She walked out of the tent already. Ethan, Nicole and Daniel broke down the tent and put it in Ethan’s backpack.

    “Are we all ready?” Ethan asked.

    The other two nodded.

    “Alright then! We have 5 minutes to get on the cruise before it leaves. We are going to have to run if we want to make it,” said Ethan.

    “Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” said Daniel.

    The three of them ran in the direction to where the cruise was located. It actually wasn’t located very far away. It was closer than what Ethan expected.

    Daniel murmured to Nicole, “We could have walked here as slow Slaking and we still would have made it here in time.”

    “Don’t you think that’s a bit over exaggerating?” asked Nicole, “The cruise would have been well over 2 miles away from shore by the time Slaking would get here.”

    “Now that’s an exaggeration,” Daniel responded.

    “It was less of one than your Slaking incident,” Nicole countered.

    Ethan turned around, “I can hear you, you know,” he said, “let’s just,” Ethan yawned, “get on the cruise and relax.”

    “Right!” agreed Nicole.

    The three of them ran up the ramp. Hundreds of people were on the cruise. Confetti was being thrown by others and people were taking pictures and waving goodbye to their loved ones.

    Obviously, not everyone on the cruise was heading for the Championships. Some were headed for the Battlefrontier in Johto, and some were headed for the Grand Festival. Mostly coordinators would be headed there. There were some that were from Johto and were heading home, and for some it was the opposite.

    The three of them made it up the ramp and waved goodbye. They didn’t know anybody, but it was friendly to wave goodbye to everyone that wasn’t on the cruise. After awhile of waving goodbye, Ethan turned his head to many different directions. He was looking for Hunter. He wanted to find him, but he didn’t want to make any contact with him. He had just about enough of Hunter’s negative comments.

    The cruise started to move and more people continued to wave goodbye on the cruise and on the shore of the beaches. Ethan, Nicole and Daniel headed for the dining hall. They were starved! The three of them entered the dining hall. It was enormous!

    “Wow!” Ethan exclaimed.

    “Look at how big it is!” exclaimed Nicole.

    “Forget about that! Look!” Daniel said. He pointed to the huge breakfast buffet of food down the small stairs.

    “Oh, that looks delicious!” Nicole said and she clasped her hands together.

    “Come on! Let’s eat!” said Ethan.

    The three of them rushed down the stairs and got in line. They were lucky! They were the first ones in line! They grabbed their plates and whatever food they could fit on them. Daniel got so much food that he needed two plates. Ethan and Nicole got to their table first obviously since Daniel had more food than them, it took him more time to get to the table. When Daniel had gotten all of his food, they saw that he had two plates filled with food.

    “Um, you got...” Ethan said.

    “Two plates? Yeah I know. I’m starved! You think that they would create bigger plates,” said Daniel.

    “I guess so,” Ethan said.

    “Alright! Let’s eat!” said Daniel. Daniel garbled his food down at such a great speed that it kept Nicole and Ethan from eating. They just stared at Daniel. Daniel usually had good manners, but he looked like a pig, and everyone noticed. Everyone.

    “Uh, Daniel?” said Nicole.

    “Hm?” Daniel grunted as he continued eating.

    “People are staring,” said Nicole.

    “So? It doesn’t matter what they think,” he responded.

    “Daniel, look up,” said Ethan.

    Daniel rolled his eyes. “Fine,” and he looked up.

    His mouth was still full of food, but he had it closed. It was still obvious that he had food in his mouth since there was a long line of syrup dripping down from his mouth to his chin. Daniel looked around. Everyone had stopped eating and were looking directly at him. They weren’t angry. They were just, well, amused, for a lack of a better term. Daniel’s eyes shifted back and forth from one person to the other. Even the cooks were staring at him. Daniel swallowed all the food that was in his mouth very fast, which was very painful since there was so much food in his mouth. After he swallowed he released a loud cough, but he covered his mouth so that he wouldn’t spread any germs. Daniel wore a big goofy and slightly foolish smile and then began to speak loudly enough for everyone to hear.

    “Wow, is this food great or what? Yeah. Isn’t it? Heh, I think it’s great. I mean, look at this!” Daniel looked at his two plates of food and opened his arms to show the food on his plates, “have you ever seen a breakfast this great? It’s delicious! Yeah!”

    Everyone was still looking at him, and Daniel was still smiling the same goofy smile. He chuckled awkwardly.

    “Heh-heh... heh... heh...... enjoy the food,” he said with his voice becoming more quiet for every word that he had spoken in that sentence.

    Everyone slowly turned back to their own tables and continued their own conversations, or they started new ones about the kid with two plates of food that was eating like a pig. When Daniel began eating again in a more appropriate manner, Ethan slammed his head on the table and Nicole face palmed. Ethan and Nicole finally started eating after the awkward sort of events that had just occurred. After they had finished eating, they walked to their designated rooms. Daniel and Ethan had a room together, and Nicole had a separate room that was right next to Daniel and Ethan’s room.

    “Here it is,” said Ethan, “room 461. You and I will stay in here Daniel.”

    “And I will be in room 460. We’ll be right next to each other. Won’t that be cool?” said Nicole.

    “It sure will!” Ethan replied, “I’m going to put some of my stuff up.”

    “I’m right behind ya’!” said Daniel.

    Ethan nodded and then entered his room. Daniel started go into the room, but Nicole stopped him. She grabbed him by his left forearm.

    “Wait,” she said.

    “Huh?” Daniel grunted.

    “I want to talk to you.”

    “Sure. What’s up?”

    “It’s about Ethan.”

    “What about him?” Daniel was confused.

    “He ran into Hunter last night.”

    Daniel looked surprised and then concerned. He knew all about the tension between Ethan and Hunter. He knew that their rivalry was unhealthy, and he assumed that Ethan knew the same, but Daniel trusted that Ethan had a reason for pursuing Hunter as a rival and as a Pokemon trainer.

    “What happened?” Daniel had become more serious.

    “He got caught in a Pokemon battle with him.”

    Daniel looked even more concerned. He knew that Ethan had been training a lot ever since he lost to Hunter before he battled him at Sunnyshore the previous night. Daniel assumed the worst of the outcome. He looked to his right and saw Ethan sitting at the end of the bed that was further away from the front door of the room. His head was slightly tilted downwards. He was looking at the ground and seemed to be in deep thought.

    Daniel thought to himself, “Putting your stuff away, huh?”

    Daniel turned his head back to face Nicole. “He lost didn’t he,” he said. He knew that was what happened.

    Nicole declined her head slightly and looked at the ground. Her face could still be seen from Daniel’s point of view.

    “Yeah,” she whispered quietly.

    Daniel nodded and grunted smoothly.

    “I know you want to help him,” Daniel said. Right when the first words escaped his mouth, Nicole released an, “Oh?” and quickly inclined her head. When she did so, she saw that Daniel had a sharp look on his face and was looking directly at Nicole to make sure that she was listening.

    “But, you need to let Ethan handle this. He needs to know how to handle this on his own without anyone else’s help. It’s good that you want to help him, but you still need to learn when you need to let him be on his own. Having Ethan deal with this on his own will help him become more independent in most of his struggles. It’s just apart of growing up for him and for everybody in this world. When he becomes fully independent, he...”

    Daniel was cutoff by Ethan’s snoring. It surprised Daniel and Nicole. The two of them went inside and saw that Ethan was fast asleep on the bed. Daniel and Nicole smiled.

    “We should let him rest, he’s had a long night,” said Daniel.

    Nicole nodded in agreement.

    “Now come on, let’s get some fresh air. We can check back up on Ethan in a few hours,” said Daniel.

    She nodded again and the two of them made their way to the main deck to relax and enjoy themselves.

    Even though Daniel was very hyperactive most of the time, when he was serious, he always had great advice about almost everything. The hyperactive side of Daniel was the exoskeleton of his personality. Both Ethan and Nicole enjoyed having Daniel join them in their journey. The two of them probably wouldn’t have made it this far without him. Even though Daniel was the same age as Ethan and Nicole, he acted like an older brother to the both of them. However, other times, he acted like the younger brother. It was always good to have both of those sides of Daniel with them constantly.
  6. Umbrazard

    Umbrazard She has Umbreon Ears

    I thought you have a decent plot starting out here; the building collapsing was good. the problem is, you're idea is great, you're writing, not so much. lots of grammar issues and poor characterization. That can be worked on though. So good luck!
  7. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    I think I mentioned this before, if I haven't then you're going to here it now. I know about the grammer issues on that chapter. I'm still editing it. The characterization part I'm not sure I follow. Could you give some examples?
  8. Umbrazard

    Umbrazard She has Umbreon Ears

    Well I'm not near a computer right now, (i have a blackberry) so I can't quote anything, but everyone in the fic seems to be a cliché taken to extremes. The jerk rival who treats his pokemon like crap, the indefitable optimist, the caring cliched girl partner, and ethan seems like a major depressive. one minute he's cool and fine, the next he's practically suicidal.

    Plus your description is blocked in, really more an aside than part of the story. And never use an anime character to describe someone. what if I didn't know who Dawn was?
  9. lugia*master

    lugia*master Cheese XD

    When you want me to start reviewing your fic, just throw a VM at me...
  10. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    Alright, I am going to start editing these right away. I have a confession, I didn't edit any of this when I posted it. I was just too excited and wanted to post it. Everything is going to look different except for the plot and the settings. Wish me luck!

    Intro: Posted and edited
    Chapter 1: Posted and edited
    Chapter 2: Posted and edited
    Chapter 3: Not yet edited

    I understand that some of you think that the characterization is cliche. I am aware of this, keep in mind that we haven't gotten far enough in the story to get real specific about their character.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2009
  11. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    This chapter is a bit dull and short, but it has a purpose.

    Chapter 4: Lazy Bum

    Both Daniel and Nicole got their swimsuits on to participate in the fun water games. After a few hours of playing, the captain rang the bell and announced that lunch had started.

    “We should check on Ethan. It’s been a few hours,” said Nicole.

    “Alright, I’ll be right back,” said Daniel.

    He dried off and got a plate of food for Ethan. Daniel opened the door to their room slowly.
    He was still fast asleep. Daniel smiled and laid the plate by the lamp on the small table next to him. He patted him on the back and walked back down to the main deck. Nicole immediately asked him how Ethan was doing.

    “He’s doing fine. He’s still asleep though. I gave him a plate of food incase he wakes up and gets hungry,” he said..

    Daniel had better manners this time when he was eating around everyone else. Some people were eager to see Daniel to eat like a pig, which was kind of odd. The rest of the day was pretty normal. Ethan slept for most of the day. He woke up once, but only to eat the food that was on the table. After that, he went back to sleep. When it was dinner time, Daniel did the same thing and put a plate of food by Ethan. When dinner was over, Daniel came back to the room. He sat on Ethan’s bed and put his hand on his back and shook him.

    “Hey, Ethan, wake up,” said Daniel quietly.

    Ethan only groaned and pulled the covers over his head. Daniel quickly pulled them off of his entire body and slapped his stomach.

    “Ugh!” Ethan grunted loudly, “what the hell are you doing?”

    “You slept all day, and the only time you got up was to eat,” he said..

    “Well, what time is it now?” he asked as he stretched his arms out.


    He let his arms go loose as he heard the time, “So I have 4 more hours to be awake. What am I suppose to do around this time of night?”

    “Um, get some fresh air maybe?”

    “Alright, fine.”

    He slowly got out of bed and put his clothes on and spoke as he was doing so.

    “Where’s Nicole?” Ethan asked.

    “She’s outside on the private deck at the back of the cruise,” answered Daniel.

    He nodded and headed for the private deck. He found her at the end of the deck staring out into the ocean. He walked up to her and put his hand on her shoulder. Nicole jumped.

    “Geez, Ethan! You scared me!” said Nicole.

    “Sorry about that.”

    “It’s fine. How did you sleep by the way?”

    “I slept fine. I only got up to eat.”

    Nicole giggled, “Sounds like you had an exciting day today.”

    “Well, tomorrow I won’t sleep all day. You can count on that.”

    “Good, because I missed you today.”

    Ethan turned tilted his head slightly and looked slightly puzzled.

    “Really?” he asked.

    “Yeah. Today just felt kind of empty without you. It was weird.”

    Ethan nodded to show that he understood, but he really didn’t understand why it was “empty without him”.

    “I talked to Daniel about the situation with you and Hunter.”

    He looked interested, “What did you tell him?”

    “I told him that I was worried about you.”

    He was about to speak, but she beat him to it, “But, he assured me that you were ok and that you needed to handle this on your own.”

    “Well, honestly, I’m feeling much better now. Besides, it doesn’t matter what Hunter thinks of me. So if you still feel even a little bit worried, don’t because I’m feeling much better now.”

    She wasn’t convinced, “We saw you sitting on the bed with your head down. You were thinking about something.”

    “I was,” he admitted, “It wasn’t about Hunter, though. It was about what we saw on T.V. the other day at that restaurant.”

    She rolled her eyes, “Ethan, you have to forget about that. It didn’t even involve us. Plus, we don’t know anybody that was in Vielstone City at the time.

    “People were killed though. It doesn’t matter if we don’t know them.”

    “You can’t fool me. That’s not why you were thinking about it.”

    There was a pause. He did not speak.


    He sighed, “Ok. I know something was behind that disaster, and behind the other disasters.”

    “You said that at the restaurant,” she pointed out.

    “I didn’t mention the other disasters that occurred. I wasn’t sure if something was behind it all, but now I know. Someone, or something, knew this was going to happen.”

    “You can’t know that for sure.”

    In his mind, he said, “But I do.” There was a fire in his eyes that showed his determined look. He wasn’t going to forget about this without doing something about it.

    She sighed, which created a long pause.

    He broke the silence, “I’m glad you talked to Daniel.”

    She looked up at him, but didn’t speak.

    “I know that there have been rare times when you have talked to Daniel one on one, but you should know by now that he isn’t just a joker. He can be a very serious person if you just give him a chance, and that’s what you did. You gave him that chance for him to be serious with you.”

    “But, how come he always acts so, immature?”

    “It’s because he’s insecure about himself. He doesn’t want people to think that he is a big softy.”

    She was still confused, “We’re his friends though. Why is he insecure around us?”

    “You mean around you.”

    “What do you mean?” she was very curious.

    “Hey guys! You might want to head inside unless you want to be struck by lightning!” Daniel said as he slammed the door open.

    The two of them looked confused, but then saw the large flashes of lightning that crawled across the sky in the distance, like a slithering snake. They all hurried inside.

    SHII-CRAAACK!!!! BOOM!!!!!!!!
  12. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    Chapter 5: A Deeper Understanding of Each Other

    “Get up! Get up! Get up! We’re going to be late! Hurry!” shouted Daniel. He was obviously not in the serious mood he was in the last two days, which was kind of nice for Ethan and Nicole. It gave them some comic relief.

    “Guh! Daniel! I was having the best dream and you ruined it!” yelled Ethan, who seemed to be very annoyed by Daniel’s sudden unnecessary outburst.

    “Ah, I bet it wasn’t that great. It was just a dream. It wasn’t real.”

    “Well obviously it wasn’t real!”

    There was a pause.

    “So what was it about?” asked Daniel. He seemed to be very curious about it all of the sudden.

    “Oh, it was just about how all of the world was united and we were doing our part in helping the environment,” he said sarcastically.

    “Very funny,” said Daniel.

    Ethan began to get dressed, “So why did you wake me up so early?”

    “What are you talking about?”

    He turned around quickly to face Daniel, “What the hell?? Are you kidding me, Daniel??”

    “Oh now I remember!”

    “Thank you”, he said still very annoyed. One more day of Daniel being mature and serious wouldn’t have hurt.

    “We’re going to be late for breakfast!”

    “Oh, crap! What time is it?”


    “Agh! We only have 5 minutes of breakfast!”

    “Let’s hurry!”


    The two of them ran as fast they could down the stairs, running into, pushing, and shoving people as they hurried to the dining hall. Thankfully the two of them had made it down just in time to get their food on their plates. However, they were forced to eat out on the main deck because the staff had to clean up the dining hall. As the two of them were scarfing down their food, Nicole came up to the two of them, she was still in her pajamas. She looked at Ethan first and flashed a quick, but joyful smile at him.

    “Um...” Ethan said and then pointed at Nicole’s pajamas.

    “My pajamas? I was late for breakfast so I didn’t have time to change into my clothes.”

    “But it doesn’t take more than a few seconds to get dressed,” said Ethan.

    “For you maybe, but for girls, it takes us a long time to get dressed. We have to put our makeup on and strap our...” she paused, “Never mind.”

    “I know,” Ethan laughed.

    Nicole looked embarrassed, but shook it off quickly.

    “So what’s up?” asked Ethan.

    “Oh yeah! They announced it this morning during breakfast!” said Nicole. She seemed excited.

    “What announcement? How come we didn’t hear about it?” asked Daniel.

    “We slept in. Remember? We were late to breakfast. In fact, breakfast was already over by the time we got our food,” answered Ethan.

    “Oh, that’s right,” he said.

    “So anyway, what was the announcement?” Ethan asked..

    “Starting at 6:00pm, right after dinner, they are having a Pokemon Cruise battle!”



    “What the announcer said, was that they were going to allow Pokemon battles all over the cruise, and there is a prize.”

    “How do you get this prize?” asked Daniel.

    “They will hand us a device that looks similar to a vs. recorder. It counts how many times you lose and how many times you win. The more wins you have, the more points you have, but if you lose a battle, that’s negative points. So one win would be one point, and one loss would take away one point. Whoever has the most points by the end of the competition wins the prize.”

    “That sounds like fun!” exclaimed Daniel.

    “So what’s the prize?”

    “They didn’t say, but I bet it’s something really good!” said Nicole.

    “Maybe it’s a cool key chain!” exclaimed Daniel excitedly.

    “Yeah, a key chain that says, ‘I can’t think of a worse prize than this’,” said Ethan sarcastically.

    “Come on! What’s not cool about a key chain?”


    “Ok, fine!,” he yelled throwing his arms up. He turned his head and murmured, “I think it would be cool.”

    “Daniel, it’s fine. Don’t make such a big deal about it,” he said.

    He turned his head back, “Then don’t make fun of my key chain idea.”

    “Ok, ok, ok!” Ethan laughed, “I won’t talk bad about your key chain idea.”

    “Thank you,” he said satsified.

    Nicole dozed off during the conversation.

    “So, uh, anyway, are you two going to be in the competition?” she asked.

    “Probably,” answered Ethan.

    “You know it!” Daniel also answered.

    “Well, Hunter’s on the cruise and he will be in the competition. What if he tries to battle you?” she asked.

    Ethan took a more serious look and then frowned. Nicole gasped quietly. She knew she had said the wrong thing.

    “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why did I say that? Damnit Nicole!” she thought to herself.

    He thought for a few seconds and then answered her, “I’m not going to let him. I don’t want to have anything to do with Hunter until the competition. I don’t want him to figure out my full strategy.”

    Nicole nodded to show that she understood, but she knew that wasn’t the real reason. He did not want to be defeated and humiliated by him again. It was a pride thing. It was true, he couldn’t beat him in this state now. He was not skilled enough. However, there was still something even deeper than that, Ethan didn’t want to be hurt again. He didn’t want to feel that depression again. Daniel attempted to start the conversation back up again to rid it of its awkwardness.

    “What time is it?”

    “10:45,” he answered after he checked his Poketech.

    “Do you all want to head for the pool?”

    “Isn’t that all the way on the top floor?”

    “It sure is,” Daniel said smiling.

    Ethan looked at Daniel, and then at Nicole, “Yeah, sure. Why not?” he said.


    And so, the three of them got up and headed for their rooms to get dressed. When Ethan and Daniel got to their rooms, Ethan was changing and saw that Daniel got very close to the wall.

    “Daniel! What are you doing? Stop staring into that hole!” he said.

    “What are you talking about?” Daniel was holding a small mirror in his hand.

    “Uh, never mind.” He assumed Daniel was peeking through the hole in their room.

    “How did you know there was a hole in this room? And why did you think I was staring through it?” he asked.

    “I, uh...” he stuttered.

    “You little pervert,” Daniel said.

    “I swear! I did not do it! I just saw that hole there! I have never looked in it before! I swear!” he said very defensively.

    He was telling the truth. He really had never looked in that hole before. Though, the obvious conclusion would be that he did look through the small opening. After all, he was still 15 years old.

    “Dude, calm down. I was joking,” he said.

    “Well, don’t joke like that.”

    “Since when has that bothered you?”

    “What do you mean?”

    “Usually, those jokes don’t bother you. Why do they bother you now?”

    There was a short period of silence.

    “It’s because Nicole is my best friend, and it offends me when we talk bad about her.”

    “But, we weren’t talking about Nicole. We were talking about you.”

    “But, it involved Nicole, and that’s all that matters,” said Ethan. He seemed to be very irritated.

    “So does it make a difference if it is a girl that you don’t even know or one that you hate?” asked Daniel. He was pushing his limits, but he knew this.

    Ethan puffed and then said, “No, it doesn’t. Even if it is a girl I hate, or if it is a girl I don’t even know, it still doesn’t make a difference. What if instead of Nicole, it was a girl we didn’t know, and a person we didn’t know, but knew that girl overheard us? He would react the same way I did, because he cared about that girl.”

    Daniel nodded, “Ok, I’m sorry,” he said sincerely.

    “It’s cool.” But he wasn’t cool with it. He turned around and began to walk out the door.

    “So Nicole is your new best friend?” he asked.

    Ethan turned around and half-smiled, “Daniel, you’re my best dude friend. No one can change that and you know it.”

    “That’s what I like to hear.”

    There was another pause.

    “So are we cool?” Daniel asked.

    Ethan smiled, “Yeah, we’re cool.” He meant it this time.

    “Are you ready to head out?”

    “Yeah, let’s go.”


    The two of them exited their room and ran down the hallway. They noticed that Nicole was still getting dressed since her door was locked.

    “Wow, they really do take a long time to get dressed,” said Ethan.

    “No kidding,”

    By the time the two of them got to the top floor, they were exhausted.

    “Next time, *pant pant* we take the elevator,” said Daniel.

    “*Pant pant* good i...*pant pant* idea,” he agreed.

    As they sat down, Ethan asked, “Do you think Nicole overheard our conversation?”

    “Dude, you need to relax. Even if she did hear it, which she didn’t, she wouldn’t have cared.”

    “Yeah, she would have.”

    “Well, it doesn’t matter. She didn’t hear us. So let’s just leave it at that. Ok?”

    Nicole soon made it up to the swimming pool. She didn’t look as exhausted as the other two when they made it up to the swimming pool. Ethan looked nervous.

    “Just let it go. You’re fine,” assured Daniel. He was doing the best he could to keep him from worrying. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be working to well.

    “Hey guys!” she exclaimed as she walked up to them, “isn’t this pool huge?”

    “It sure is. Don’t you think it’s big too, Ethan?” Daniel was trying to loosen Ethan up. He elbowed him.

    “Ack!” he grunted as he was elbowed, “yeah, it’s huge.”

    She was puzzled, “Are you ok?”

    He was more relaxed now and he smiled, “Yeah, I’m better. Thanks.” Daniel smiled.

    “Alright! Let’s go!” exclaimed Nicole. She turned around and jumped into the pool. Daniel pushed Ethan into the pool as he got to the edge of it. He tried to keep his balance by flailing his arms, which obviously wasn’t working. Daniel laughed as he fell in and jumped in with him.

    “Wow! Look at that!” exclaimed Nicole. She pointed forward. Trainers and their water Pokemon were playing together. Since the pool was so big, any kind of water Pokemon could fit in the pool except for Wailord of course.

    “Well, let’s not be the only trainers without our Pokemon,” suggested Ethan. He got out of the pool and searched his bag for a Pokeball.

    “Empoleon, come on out!” he commanded. He had sent his Alakazam back to Professor Oak after he had battled Hunter. The only reason he had done this was because he needed a water Pokemon on his team. The Empoleon shouted its name as it emerged from its Pokeball. Ethan jumped into the pool and then climbed upon his Empoleon’s back.

    “Let’s go! Milotic!” commanded Daniel. The Milotic emerged from it’s pokeball and wrapped itself around Daniel in a loving way.

    “Ok, ok, ok Milotic! That’s enough of that.”

    “Go Kingdra!” exclaimed Nicole. She and Daniel climbed on their Pokemon’s backs. The three of their Pokemon dove into the water and swam forward. The three of them all looked surprised and amazed when they saw that there were even more trainers underwater, than there were trainers that were at the surface. They were even more surprised to see that it was 20ft deep! It was the biggest pool they had ever seen for sure!


    Daniel’s Milotic spotted a Gyaridos and swam towards it quickly. He had trouble staying on his Pokemon she was going so fast! The Gyaridos seemed surprised at first when the Milotic reached it, but it soon grew fond of it. The two Pokemon started to flirt with each other. They twirled around each other towards the surface. The trainer with the Gyaridos hopped off of its back as did Daniel with his Milotic. The three of them plus the Gyaridos trainer swam to the surface.

    “It looks my Gyaridos has a new friend,” said the trainer.

    “As does my Milotic,” said Daniel. He looked at the trainer, “what’s your name?”

    “Melody,” she answered. Melody was a tall and lean girl. She had straight red hair with deep blue eyes. She had moderately pale skin with freckles, “and yours?”

    “My name is Daniel. Nice to meet you! So where are you heading?”

    “I’m heading for the Battle Frontier to train some more.”

    Daniel looked puzzled, “Why aren’t you going to the championships? You know there was a call back because somebody cheated, right?”

    “Oh, I heard about it. It was pretty big news. I was shocked.”

    “So were we. Those are my friends over there. They told me about the news.”

    “You didn’t see it on TV?”

    “No, we didn’t. My friend Ethan, over there, heard it from his rival.”

    “How did that come up?”

    Daniel knew this was a sensitive subject and that it would be best if he didn’t tell her what happened during the battle.

    “They were just talking about random stuff, checking up on how they were doing. His rival brought up the news and invited him to come.” This was an obvious lie.

    The two of them continued to talk about various things. Daniel and this new girl, Melody, were getting along very well. It was the first time Ethan had seen him connect with a girl before. It wasn’t that he was socially awkward; he was far from that. He just always liked to pick on girls in a jokingly way. Even Ethan and Nicole could tell they were having a good conversation.


    “Aw that’s so cute!” Nicole said in a cheerful, bubbly voice and clasped her hands, holding them to her cheek, “it looks like Daniel has found a girl he can talk to. That’s so heartwarming.”


    “So anyway,” Daniel continued, “how come you aren’t going to the championships?”

    “It’s just to hard for me. I lost the second round of the tournament last year.”

    He tried to cheer up and encourage her, “Well, hey, I bet you’re stronger than you were last year.”

    “Well actually,” she looked embarrassed, “I haven’t been doing much training.”

    “Oh,” he said feeling somewhat awkward, “well I hope your journey at the Battle Frontier goes well!”

    “Thanks! Oh I forgot to ask you the same thing! Where are you heading for?”

    “I’m heading for the championships with my friends!” he said excitedly.

    “Well, good luck to you too!” The two of them waved goodbye to each other and went their separate ways in the pool. He stopped swimming and turned around. Melody was still swimming in the opposite direction.

    “Wait!” he shouted in order to get Melody’s attention. Melody stopped in her tracks and turned around very quickly.


    “So I uh...,” he tilted his head down and to the right, “I guess I’ll see you later, then?”

    She giggled, “Yeah! Later tonight!” she shouted since they were so far away.

    “And tomorrow?” he asked sounding very hopeful.

    She laughed out loud, “Yes, Daniel! You will!” she smiled, “ I’m not going to just disappear while I’m on the cruise!” she said jokingly. They waved at each other. One by one, the trainers were getting out of the pool to head for dinner.


    Nicole got the conversation started while they were walking down the hall, “So what was her name, Daniel?”

    “What are you talking about?” he asked trying to avoid the conversation.

    “Don’t play dumb,” she said as she punched him in the shoulder, “you know what I’m talking about.”

    “Ow! That hurt!” he said while rubbing his sore shoulder.

    “Your fine. Now tell me her name. I want to know really badly!”

    Ethan laughed at how eager Nicole wanted to know. He did his best to keep his laugh in, but little bits and pieces of grunts and snorts escaped his mouth and nose.

    “What’s so funny?” she asked.

    He turned his head away and waved his right hand to her, “It’s nothing. Continue,” he said as he released his laughs.

    “So anyway, what was her name?”

    “She was just a girl. It doesn’t matter,” he said. He was becoming desperate to not continue the conversation.

    “Don’t be so stubborn Daniel!” she said.

    “Ok, fine! Her name is Melody and...”

    “Aw! That’s such a precious name!” she said cutting him off in mid sentence.

    “Ok, yeah, sure, whatever. Anyway, Milotic rushed to her Gyaridos and they started flirting with each other. So we started talking while they were having their fun.”

    “That seems a little bit ironic don’t you think Ethan?”

    Ethan had dozed off.

    “Ethan?” she asked, trying to get his attention.

    “Huh? Oh yeah, that is ironic.”

    “I have no idea what you two are talking about,” Daniel denied.

    She lifted her arms up, “Fine. Have it your way. You don’t have to tell us anything.”

    “There’s nothing to tell, Nicole,” he denied again.

    “If that’s what you want us to think, than ok.”

    “Good,” he said satisfied as they entered their rooms.


    “You like her,” he said to Daniel.

    “What? No I don’t!” he denied.

    “Dude, don’t lie. I have never seen you talk with a girl for so long without her slapping you in the face or walking away.”

    “But she did walk away.”

    “You both walked away and you waved goodbye to each other. Even after you did that, you carried on the conversation.”

    “How do you know I carried on the conversation?”

    “So you admit it!” Ethan said. He was trying to break through his walls, “and anyway, I saw your mouth move first after you two waved goodbye.”

    “Ok fine! So I do like her. Is that such a big deal?”

    “For me, I don’t care that much to be honest. However, I am happy for you, but you should be the one that should think it is a big deal, not me.”

    “We’re just friends.”

    “No, it’s too soon to be friends yet, but you do like her.”

    Daniel paced around a small area of the room. He looked like he was thinking.

    “Just admit that you like her. No one is judging you, and that includes me too.”

    Daniel turned around, “I do like her,” he said, and then continued, “No.”

    He paused.

    “I love her.”

    Ethan was now shocked, “Love her? Isn’t that a bit extreme?”

    “We have so much in common, Ethan! I’ve never met a girl like this before!”

    “Why is this so hard for you?”

    “What? What are you talking about?”

    “Daniel, I know there is something more to this.”

    He sighed, “What if I never see her again?”

    “Well, where did she say she was heading?”

    “The Battle Frontier in Johto.”

    “Let’s think about this then. You can talk to her tonight and ask if you could meet up somewhere while you two are in Johto.”

    He nodded in approval, “That could work. Yeah! I’ll do that! Thanks Ethan!”

    “No problem, bro.”

    The two of them headed down to the dining hall to have their dinner and to get ready for the big competition.
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2009
  13. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Well-Known Member

    This is a review of the first chapter only. Before I start I want to say how ironic it is that when I'm scrolling through the fan fiction section that I find a fan fiction by one of my buddies in the Naruto Timeskip Discussion Thread! Here we go! *cracks knuckles*

    Hello listy description! This is what you do not want to do. Scatter you description through a couple paragraphs, and make it flow. Lists are not good.

    Also don't give us a character's entire personality in a paragraph. Make us understand his personality through what he does and how he acts.

    What in the hell is this? This is a major no-no. Unless the characters are some sort of Gods then you would not captialize him, she, he, or it. They are not proper nouns. They are only captialized at the beginning of a sentence.

    This is another no-no. "Silence reigned over the teenagers as they stopped their activities and began to stare at one another." I made that in about five seconds. You can do better than this!

    This happens sometimes when I am writing a chapter as well. You forgot the 't' at the end of tent. Nothing major, but it would still be better if you went over the chapter and found all the spelling and grammar errors that you can find.

    I don't feel this flowing very well(in the first chapter at least). Someone would be talking and you wouldn't specify who. If you did then you most likely put "him" or "she". Which reminds me.

    Very wrong. First of all it is improper. Secondly, she would not be capitialized. As i was saying, it would jump from one character to another and then it would just be a bunch of text for a while. You also tend to just say, "They went to place x." It would help if you describe the place, what happened on the there, what does it look like on the way there, and etc. I will finish the other chapters later tonight.

    Until next time, Shadow Lucario is signing off.
  14. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    Here's the things, when they go to those places, describing them isn't really that important. Why would I need to describe what the tent on the beach looks like? As for describing the restaurant, do you really think that it is necessary to do that. They are only their for a very short time. Plus, that location doesn't have significance. It is the actions that are significant. As for "said She" and the "He walked over to Her and He did this to Her", I was doing a "find and replace" action when I was editing this chapter, I must have missed those. Now, for the description of the characters, I realize that it is really dull. I tried to figure out a way to describe their looks without putting it in a list form. Unfortunetly, when I read the story, it actually looked worse. So I think I'm going to leave the character description as it is.
  15. xXPorygonXx

    xXPorygonXx Sort of active

    In the future, just ignore the trolls and don't feed them.

    However, I do concede the point that you need to use description more in your chapters. Yes, we do know what a tent looks like. However, when authors go into writing, they should act like no one knows what something is, and they then describe it to us. It's important to describe, but not over describe - you can use descriptive words, instead of just saying "tent".

    The same goes for your Pokemon. Describe them, instead of just saying the name. Because the only problem I can see right now between being an average fic and a good fic is your lack of description.
  16. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member


    Or here. Let me be more of a jerk and bash you further.

    Oh and btw you've never been to a pool before? I went to one when I lived in California for swimming lessons, and while the training area wasn't to deep, maybe 10 feet at the max, the diving pool? Loooool it was 20 feet or so deep. And looool having that many people and pokemon in a pool would make it overcrowded and not safe, tho you never really say, I think, how many people are in there. And how are they all miraculously staying down below the surface? I mean are they all master divers?

    Alright so he shouts, and at his shout, Milotic comes out and wraps itself, .. itself, not herself, or himself, around Daniel in a loving way. And loving, is it sexually harassing him? Woah calm down there Milotic we'll get you to a pokemon center or a daycare center just hang in there!!!

    Omg. What is this.

    What's a kingdra? Where is it?

    How would Nicole cling to a Kingdra's back? How did she even stay on with it's fin. How did Daniel stay on the back of a slippery Milotic. And why did they climb onto the backs of the pokemon?

    So now they randomly went from land, into water? Wouldn't Kingdra have been crushed and unable to move with such a lazy trainer on it's back?

    Why did the three all share the same bland example of expression? Why should they even care if the pool is overcrowded?

    Depth means nothing, it's the surface area that counts for a pool. Over crowding is still overcrowding and can cause people to get hurt, drowned, crushed or anything. Especially if you add big, giant, pokemon into the mix.

    Does this review satisfy you now?
  17. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    See, reviews like this I like. There is no flaming. Thanks for the advice. The first two chapters are kind of lame I realize. Nevertheless, I need to continue righting more chapters.
  18. Reisude

    Reisude Fanfictionist!

    I like this description. I think the thing I like most about it is the way you called it the towering beast or the metal death trap. Very nice! =DDDDD

    That's HARSH. And this guy is the police chief? Aww that's not nice Dx I feel bad for the city that has him as their police chief. (No offense to the city)

    I think there should be a comma before the word startled enters. That would generate a good pause :3

    Instead of conscious, I believe it is conscience.

    Okay, it was hard to follow this conversation because I didn't know who I was talking. I suggest putting in some more details to these sentences so that we'll be able to tell who is talking.

    *covers ears* DANG! That boy has a RANGE! I'm gonna go buy ear plugs -.- Lolz jk xD
    And there should be quotation marks at the end of his exclamation.

    The part of that sentence that I put in bold I recommend revising. It sounds awkward :/ I think you are very talented though, and your description holds good potential. =DDDDD But the description of Ethan is kind of listy. This is one of my problems as well -.- Try combining the sentences to lower the listiness =DDDDD Like I said, I need to work on this as well. The description of Nicole is listy, too.

    These sentences should be combined. Also, the rest of the paragraph is listy :/ You should combine some sentences and try to avoid listiness as much as possible. (Again, I have a problem with that, too -.- Curse listiness)

    "Him" should be lowercase, (I know that you put it as something that you should go back to later. That was very clever :) ) and I recommend putting a semi-colon where the comma is.

    "He" should be lowercase. And dang o.o How long has this boy been traveling? He's gone to that many places? DANNNNNNG. Lolz, sorry. Just a random comment about that xD He's quite the traveler.

    "Her" should be lowercase. There is a lot of capatalized "Him's" and "Her's" in this paragraph, and I recommend going back and editing them. Also, we are implying that the "her" is Nicole since she was the only girl mentioned so far, but it would help if you said her name so that readers would understand better.

    It's listy, and I think it requires more depth. It's too basic, and some of it isn't necessary. Maybe you could reduce some of these sentences or combine them. Lots of readers would stop reading after something like this. It's too basic of an intro. Maybe you could also give more background to Ethan. To us, he's the hopeful Pokemon trainer, but that's all he is at the moment.

    It's awkward-sounding. Ahh, sorry for pointing that out Dx

    Comma is not necessary there.

    The "he" in the starting sentence should be capitalized.

    "She" should be lowercased, and there should be a period after "suggested".

    In my opinion, it would make more sense if it was "barged" instead of "barked".

    Sighing is not a form of speech, and the comma should be changed to a period.

    How is it improbable? o.o Silly little news reporter! xD I don't see how it'd be improbable. Then again, they didn't see anything ram into the building or anything like that, so I guess I could slightly see how it'd be improbable...But how would a building just topple over and collapse? SUSPICIOUSSSS

    No kidding! No offense to the newscasters or anything :/ "He" should be lowercased, and it should be switched around with "replied" so that it's easier to read.

    Really? o.o Man, I'm clueless.

    I don't like the "half kidding and half not" description. I think it could be changed to something else.

    Again, "She" lowercased, "suggested" and "she" switched to make more sense, and period at the end.

    "Chuckled" should have a period and not a comma.

    There should be a period and not a comma.

    "Your" should be changed to "you're." "He" should be lowercased.

    "Ten" should be changed to "tent".

    There should be a comma and not a period.

    Did something HAPPEN?! Lolz sorry xD Over-excitedness xD Anyway, I think you have potential, and I promise to read and review the other chapters later today. Great job so far! =DDDDD There are just a few things that need to be fixed.
  19. BlueMew7

    BlueMew7 Send Bidoof to AG

    Alright, I know I haven't posted a new chapter in for awhile. I've been busy with a lot of other stuff. I am definetly going to continue this story, however. I'll edit chapter 2 with all of the listy stuff.

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