Trainer for hire (Rated 13)

[Shadows Follower]

Hi there! I've been reading many of the stories on this site and thought I'd try to write my own. Course, I can't promise It'll be the best but I'll try.

Trainer for hire (Rated 13)

Prologue

The streets of Saffron City were cold that night as Nevil made his way to the Pokemon Center. The wind whipped and the buildings towered over him. He didn't want to do this so late at night but it was the only time he could get an appointment.

In truth, he didn't want to do this at all. Word had got round at school of a trainer only known as "Phantom". They said he could help anyone with their problem. He had heard tells of what this trainer had done and it scared him to think he had done such things but with what was happeing to him, he saw no other choice. Like a beacon of hope, the lights of the Pokemon Center could be seen as Nevil turned the corner. With thankful relief, he ran to its doors, and opened them.

The Pokemon Center was fairly quiet, with only the odd trainer talking on the telephones or sitting on the chairs in the corners away from the door. The lounge TV was making barely any sound and the quietness unerved Nevil more than he already was. Taking his straw hat off, he approached the desk. A lady wearing a nurse outfit who had beautiful blue eyes and lovely pink hair came over to him.

"Welcome to the Pokemon Center! I'm Nurse Joy. How may I help you?" she asked.

"Yeah erm... I'm hear to see... Phantom." he whispered. She smiled back at him.

"Oh yes. He's just down that hallway in one of the spare rooms. If you follow the corridor to the end, its the second door on the right."

"Ok. Thanks Nurse Joy." he called to her as he made his way passed the corridor door. She gave a sigh.

"Their always nervous to meet him." she said to herself.

Nevil did as Nurse Joy said and found the door easily. Nevil's heart raced thinking of what could be on the other side but he knew he had to this. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door.

The hall had been well lit and bright while the room he stepped into was dark and gloomy with many menacing shadows coming from the corners. A desk was in the middle of the room with a chair to sit on. A lightblub hung above it giving the only light for Nevil to see. A figure was sat on a chair opposite the table edge nearest to him. Nevil couldn't see him from the lack of light. The figure sat their, barely moving with shadows almost cloaking him like they were his friend. After a brief moment of him entering the room the figure spoke.

"Nevil I presume?" asked the figure. Nevil jumped slightly as he spoke. Getting himself together, Nevil just shook his head, daring not to upset him. The figure laughed.
"No need to be afraid. Take a seat." Nevil slowly pulled up the chair and sat on it.

"So, you said you had a job for me on the phone?"

"Yes sir. I want you-"

"Please call me Phantom. Continue if you may." asked Phantom.

"Well Phantom, I need you to help me with a bullying problem."

"Go on," persisited Phantom

"Me and my friends have been bullied by this man for so long now, we don't know what to do about it. He teases us and steals our Pokemon from time to time. Calls us weak. We've tried to fight him off with our Pokemom but he keeps beating us."

"And you want me to stop this bullying right?"

"Exactly. Nothing violent Phantom, just to shake him up of course."

"You don't need to worry. I never go that low in my job. Do you have a picture? An address?" Phantom asked. Nevil pulled something from his pocket and put it on the table. A metal gauntlet appeared from out of the shadows to grab it. There was a moment of silence as Nevil could only assume Phantom was having a look.

"Don't worry Nevil. Once I'm done with this guy, he won't even be able to mock you behind your back." assured Phantom. A smile appeared on Nevil's face.

"Thanks Phantom. My friends banded together to give you this." he told Phantom, producing a small bag of money from his other pocket and put it on the table. Phantom pushed it back.

"Take it. I have no need for your money... at least in your case." explained Phantom. He took the money and counted how much was in. "Besides, for usual jobs, $10 wouldn't even get me through the door." he joked, giving the small bag back to Nevil. "I always take bullying jobs personally."

"Thank you Phantom. I'm very grateful."

"Just doing my job. Now get out of here. Your parents will probably be starting to worry about you." Nevil put the money back into his pocket and opened the door that led back into the hallway. When he had left, Phantom grabbed two Pokeballs from his waist and chucked them on the table.

"Go Flare! Toxin!" he called. On the table appeared a Quilava and an Ekans. They both looked at their trainer in curiosity.

<Whats up Sora?> asked the Quilava.

"Guys... we've got another mission." Sora told them, giving a grin as he did.

 

[Master Trainer]

nice fanfic it makes me wonder whats going to happen to the bully keep it up.

 

[IceKing]

As soon as I looked at the title, I thought this was a fic about prostitutes XD Dont ask...

Normally I give much more detailed reviews, but I really don't feel like it. First off is that I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY suggest you do NOT refer to trainers as "bug catchers" or "lasses" because thats basically giving them the stereotypical image in the games rather than an individual personality. This phantom guy has definetely got me interested, though why is a PokeCenter a hideout for hit men or something of the sort? Watch out for grammar mistakes as well, I saw quite a few. Be sure to proofread. Also, I was thinking of how you can improve your fic and decided that I think this fic would be a lot better if you added some mysterious descriptions and added phrases that build up a nice mysterious tone. For example, you can talk about how the Phantom is hidden in the shadows and how the boy is nervous to see the phantom. Think of it like a movie I guess!

Good luck with future chapters, this was actually not bad, work on the writing a bit more, try putting some more effort into it

 

[Luxuria]

See smiled back at him

Thank Phantom

I think these were your only typo's.

"Ok. Thanks Nurse Joy."

So Nevil just all of a sudden knew her name?

A pretty great fic so far for first attempt but I think these mistakes I pointed out were the only flaw.
The Phantom guy sounds very mysterious. Does he have another
name other than Phantom that only certain people know?
I can't wait for the next chapter.

 

[Terria]

*Grins*

Is this in any way connected to ya last story?The one that got deleted?
I have been reading it but not replying........sorry!
That story (about Sora Wiaki of Team Snagem)got erased.......i still have the link......although it leads to another story now........I still kept it.......Perfect Prologue anyway!!


P.S:that story about Sora......i miss it.......its also the reason why i joined Celebii...........

P.P.S:i'd notice that sig of you ANYWHERE now!!!!!

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Hmmmmmm. Good. Needs more description and a quote

I think these were your only typo's.

Actually he made a LOT of typos. You described the pokemon center being 'quite' Don't you mean 'quiet?' and gaunlet and a few others. Can't be bothered to go correcting 'em. It's original. Interesting plot. A few grammar mistakes. You ended speech and then a 'he said' using a full stop (.) I'd say this was about half and half in quality. It looks good though

 

[Shadows Follower]

Chapter One: Trainer for hire (Rated 13)

Here's what you've been waiting for, Chapter One of my (hopefully) successful story Trainer for hire.

Iceking, Blingin G and Water Flower:Thanks for pointing out my spelling mistakes and giving me tips on how to improve. I would say that misspelling is definitely my weakest thing as a writer. If I make any more, please feel free to point them out again. I hope you continue to enjoy my work as well.

Terria and Master Trainer:Thanks for your support and glad to hear that you are enjoying the story so far (even though its barely begun). I would hope that you keep reading and tell me what you think. As for you Terria I sent you a private message about your question. Fell free to reply back at any time.

Trainer for hire

Chapter One
Number 3 Gigas Street, Saffron City 21:32PM

Local bully, Jack Kiju was sitting comfortably in a creaky old armchair in his worn out apartment as he tossed a Pokeball up and down with his right hand. Jack was happy with himself today. He had gave the kids on his street a right kick in. Had even got another Pokemon from that runt Nevil. That would put them in their place for another week. Jack finally tossed the Pokeball into a bag in the corner where several more of his "earnings" were being kept. He liked having power over the kid on his streets, watching their little faces scruntch up in fear as he walked by was like sweet nectar to him. No one was better than him on this street. No one.

Just then, a loud knocking came from his front door. He angrily got up and walked to the door. Who would dare disturb him at this hour? He opened the door and gave a menacing look to the person standing there. To his surprise, the person didn't react what so ever but stood there as if nothing had happened. This didn't stop him from trying to act tough. The person was hard to see in the darkness of the night and could only tell their age must have been about twelve, two years younger than him. He would teach this kid a lesson for messing with him.

"Whats your problem you little brat?" Jack asked rudely. The person gave a slight laugh and looked at Jack in the eyes.

"Are you Jack Kiju?" the figure asked, talking in a confident voice. Jack slightly confused from this strange guest just answered back.

"Yeah. Whats it to you?"

"Quite a bit actually. I've come to see you."

"For what?"

"I've been hearing things about you Jack. They say your a brute who bullies people for fun and to get what you want. You steal, hurt and mock people for your own enjoyment and I will not stand for this." Jack banged his fists together in this little punk's face. Again, the figure neither flinched or moved but stood their unamused.

"Oh and your here to stop me?"

"Exactly."

"Ha! I'm not scared of a snot nosed kid like you. I'll give you a beating you won't forget." The figure laughed to himself again.

"Thats funny. I was going to say the same thing to you." Now Jack was mad. He threw his fist at the stranger's face. To his horror, not only did the figure block the attack but was able to push his arm back with great force, making him stumble to the floor. Curiously, the figure's hand had seemed to give off static and sparked slightly when he did. Stunned slightly from the incident, Jack got to his feet carefully. What kind of person was this?

"I will give you a warning Jack. Stop your bullying now or you will pay." the figure insisted. Jacks courage had returned with remembering his Pokemon. He withdrew his Pokeball.

"Ha! I teach you yet. I'll show you no one beats me." he threw the Pokeball outside into the corridor and a angry monkey Pokemon appeared. The figure passed his fingers through his hair and began to talk into a device that was placed on his right ear and came in front of the left eye.

"Analyser, scan Pokemon and tell me what you can." he said to it, turning to face the new Pokemon.

Scanning Pokemon...
Identification confirmed.
Name: Mankey
Type: Fighting
When a Mankey starts shaking and its nasal breathing turns rough, its a sure sign that it has becoming angry. However, because it goes into a towering rage almost instantly, it is impossible for anyone to flee its wrath.

"A a quick to anger Pokemon for a quick to anger bully. Makes sense," the figure said to himself as he withdrew his own Pokeball. "I choose you Flare!" The Pokeball landed in front of the Mankey. In a flash of light, a black and yellow Pokemon appeared to fight, sporting flames on its head and back.

"W-what kind of Pokemon is that?" Jack asked.

"He's a Quilava, a Pokemon you'll rarely see in Kanto. More to the point, he'll show you for what you truely are." explained the figure. Jack didn't understand what that meant but he had to win this fight to keep his reputation from being lost. Fear began to grip Jack as the situation began to intense for him.

"You gonna stand around all day or are you going to attack?" the figure asked Jack.

"O-of c-course. I'm not going to back down from a fight with a runt like you!" he nervously said, his tough attitude beginning to fail him.

"Fight? I don't fight." remarked the figure. A sparkle of blue and green came from the figure's eyes. "I win."

"Mankey, attack with low kick." commanded Jack. It was now or never to stomp this mysterious character.

"Quick attack Flare."

The Mankey went low and tried to get it's leg under Flare but the Quilava moved so quick, he had aleady gone before it could get close enough and reappeared behind the Mankey.

"What the-"

"Attack with ember."

Quilava held its head back and a stream of fire of high temperature burst through its mouth. The Mankey was directly hit and was thrown back. The figure moved aside as the Mankey skidded across the floor and along the corridor. Jack watched in horror as the fainted Mankey finally crashed into the wall at the end. He then turned to the figure who's victorious Pokemon stood at his side in the shadows. Jack's heartbeat began to speed up and he could feel sweat dripping down his face. His fear had begun to reach critical levels.

"So your true colours appear Jack. You're all talk with nothing to back it up. Just like most bullies," the figure told Jack. He began to approach Jack slowly. Jack began to try running, all he could think of was getting as far away as possible from this kid as quick as he could. The figure grabbed another Pokeball from his belt.

"You can't run from your fate Jack!" cried the figure, coming closer to the doorway. "Go Toxin!" The Pokeball fell in front of Jack as he made for the kitchen door. A large Ekans appeared from the Pokeball, blocking the doorway. The Ekans took a good a look at the scared bully and then gave a evil looking smile.

<Man! Look at the size of this guy! You can tell who's been eating the Happy Meals. Word of advice dude - Put down the fork!> taunted Toxin. Jack was shocked from not only being blocked from his only escape but being insulted by a Pokemon.

"Toxin! Use wrap on him." called the figure. Toxin began to wrap his long body around Jack, tightening the grip as he slithered up his body. Jack tried to resist but the strength of the snake was incredible. He fell to the floor on his backside as the Toxin reached his shoulders. Toxin stared at Jack with his yellow slit eyes and hissed at him. Jack was nearly in tears now as he thought of what the kid had in store for him. Now the figure was stepping into the apartment, walking over to Jack to confront him.

For the first time, Jack could get a look at the mysterious figure. He wore army boots on his feet and jeans with many cuts and holes in them on his legs. He wore a black shirt on with a broken white heart on it. On top of his shirt was a white jacket that went down to his knees. It had studs for buttons and many scratches upon it. On each hand he wore two steel gauntlets with wires attached to them that led up to the device on this eye. The anaylser on his left eye had a red screen over it which covered the true colour of that eye. A noticeable scar which passed vertically over his left eye was the first thing you saw on his face. His eyes were strange as well for the right eye was a calming light blue which showed a gentle nature within him while the scared eye was a dark green which almost showed rage behind it. His hair was untamed and spiky with white streaks in it. The mysterious figure leaned down to look into Jack's own eyes.

"Never try to run away." he told him. Jack was upset now from the fear of what might happen to him.

"W-w-what -a-are you going to d-do to me?" weeped Jack.

"That depends if you co-operate. I gave you a chance and you chucked it away. I'm going to give you one last chance." explained the figure looking at the pathetic state of a man.

"W-w-what happens if I r-r-refuse?" whimpered Jack. The figure gave another of his little laughs.

"You get to see a fire attack up close and personal." The figure called over Flare and told him what to do in his ear. The strong Quilava came face to face with the broken bully and opened his mouth wide. Jack looked in horror as he saw the flames of the fire type grow bigger in the back of the Pokemon's throat. They didn't look like they would stay back their for long.

"Its your choice. Give in your life of bullying or get your taste of punishment."

"Who are you? What are you?"

"My true name is not to your concern bully but my street name to many is Phantom."

"The P-p-phantom! I've heard of you! The Pokemon Trainer for hire! Please don't hurt me! Please oh please!" cried Jack, letting his emotions at last, allowing tears to roll down his face.

"Do you promise to give up bullying?"

"Yes! Oh yes oh yes! I will never bully anyone ever again! Just please don't hurt me." moaned Jack.

"Very well. I will leave you and your petty attitude. But listen here..." he pulled Jack up to his own face. Both his eyes filled with anger. "If I ever get another person coming to me saying you've been bullying again, I will not show mercy. I take bullies very personally." he threw Jack back on the floor, making sure not to hurt Toxin. He rummaged the room for a minute, leaving Jack to continue crying. He came back with the bag of Jack's "earnings" on his back. "I'll take back all the Pokemon you stole too ." Phantom nodded to Toxin to let go.

Toxin loosened his grip and slithered over to Flare. The volcano Pokemon shaking his head.

<Do you always have to insult everyone Toxin?>

<Of course I do. Its my style.>

<Whatever.> Flare finally muttered to himself. Phantom returned the two companions back to their Pokeballs. He was now back in the corridor and was having a look at the shell of bully Jack in the shadows again.

"Let's hope we never have to meet again." With that, Phantom left the apartment, leaving Jack Kiju a changed man. From a cruel and horrible bully to a sobbing cry baby. Jack never bothered to move but just continued to cry on the spot where he had been tied up. He would never bully again if it mean't he never saw the rumored Phantom again.

Number 21 Gigas Street, Saffron City 21:58PM

Nevil was reading a book in his room about bug Pokemon at that time. His mind was still on Phantom that night though. The Phantom had only recently been heard of but his reputation had grown quickly. Nevil just hoped he had done the right thing in asking for his help. Many rumors had circled around about his appearence and what he had done but Nevil never expected any of it to be real. That is until he meet the man himself tonight. His biggest concern was if this Phantom couldn't even defeat Jack. What if he was too strong? Would it have been his fault The Phantom was hurt or worse? Nevil could only hope and wait.

Just then a tapping could be heard from on his window. Carefully, Nevil approached the window and opened it. Nevil couldn't see anyone at all, only the glimmering blanket of lights below of Saffrons many streets could be seen. When he looked down, a bag was tied to the ledge of the window with a little message tied to it. Making sure nobody was looking, he pulled the bag up into his room and examined it. He opened the bag to reveal it containing a horde of Pokeballs. To his surprise, it was all the Pokemon that he and his friends had lost to Jack from months ago. He pulled off the message and read it to himself.

To Nevil,

Problem Solved!

From "The Phantom"


End of Chapter One

 

[Luxuria]

strange's

stranger

He's a Quilava

Umm it would sound better if you said it.

<Man! Look at the size of this guy! You can tell who's been eating the Happy Meals. Word of advice dude - Put down the fork!>

That made me laugh. Lol just lol.XD

cryed

Cried

mutted

muttered

Great chapter but you still need to work on your spelling.
And it was very discriptive. I could picture it in my head.
I can't wait to read chapter two.

 

[Terria]

Hahaha...........
just like the "other Phantom!!!!~~~"
as great as ever!!

p.s.:i replied to the message u sent
;249-d;

 

[Ash_Junior]

Reminds me of what I started a month or two back in the Pokemon--A NEw Beginning Thread.

'cept she's a Rocket, and she's called The Avenger.

nice fic here, but just a question...wouldn't it be problem solved, not problem sorted?

 

[IceKing]

He was happy with himself today. He had gave the kids on his street a right kick in. He had even got another Pokemon from that runt Nevil. That would put them in their place for another week. He finally tossed the Pokeball into a bag in the corner where several more of his "earnings" were being kept. He liked having power over the kid on his streets, watching their little faces scruntch up in fear as he walked by was like sweet nectar to him

Watch out for the constant repition of words that start sentences! It usually makes the paragraph sound choppy and flow badly.

Again the figure neither flinched or moved but stood their unamused.

I believe theres a comma after again

"A a quick to anger Pokemon for a quick to anger bully. Makes sense," the figure said to himself as he withdrew his own Pokeball.

When you have a sentence like "Blahblahblah" Jack said, there needs to be a comma after blahblahblah.

The Mankey went low and tried to get it's leg under Flare but the Quilava moved so quick, he had aleady gone before it could get close enough and reappeared behind the Mankey.

Couldn't you be a bit more descriptive?

"So your true colours appear Jack. You're all talk with nothing to back it up. Just like most bullies," the figure told Jack. He began to approach Jack slowly.

Few grammar mistakes there. Also, you might want to say some parts outloud because they dont flow very well.

<Man! Look at the size of this guy! You can tell who's been eating the Happy Meals. Word of advice dude - Put down the fork!> taunted Toxin. Jack was shocked from not only being blocked from his only escape but being insulted by a Pokemon.

So humans can understand pokemon?



Overall, as critical and mean as I want to be, I do like this fic! It's definetely very interesting and has great potential. I see a lot of places that when you improve on description and language, will be a lot better. Description is pretty good in some places, while lacking in others. Charachters are a bit stereotyped but my motto is as long as they are done nicely, it doesn't matter if they're stereotyped. Also, try and introduce your charachters to better match their personality. I couldn't have pictured Toxin taunting that Bully the way he was. Perhaps if you described how he eyed the bully with a bit of a smile or something along those lines, just introduce the fact that hes a little cruel bugger. Also, I'm kind of interested in the Phantom especially since he is revealed to be very young. I have a question, if they battled in the house wouldn't they have made a bit more of a ruckus and wouldn't have Jack's parents intervened or something? As for grammar, just be sure to proofread carefully because I'll be sure to nitpick on you until you're much cleaner of the grammar problem. Though I myself have problems with missing words and ect as well XD I think its easier to catch mistakes on a forum post...

Overall, good story, you have great potential, try and step it up a notch!

 

[Luxuria]

Few grammar mistakes there. Also, you might want to say some parts outloud because they dont flow very well.

Umm he didn't spell colour wrong, he just spelt it the canadian way like I do. >.>

 

[Ash_Junior]

trivia: actually, that's the English way of writing it. 'course, England colonized Canada, so....

 

[Tezza]

G’day Shadows Follower! Let’s have a look at Trainer for Hire! Please forgive as I review as I read.

If this is your first, you’re doing well. I love the dour picture you paint, dour, gloomy. I can almost picture it about to rain like in a classic comic book setting.

You paint the same scene of the PokeCentre, although I’m using a bit more of my own imagination rather than your projections. Maybe a mention of tiles or a television on mute in the corner would add to the feeling of emptiness and unnerve Nev more.

I see a bit of punctuation problems, but no worries. This can be picked up with rereading.

For example “Go on.” persisted Phantom. Would be better off as “Go on,” persisted Phantom. I also think that persisted is the wrong dialogue word you’re looking for. It sounds eager, but Phantom doesn’t feel like an eager character. I’m in fact picturing Puss in Boots from Shrek, being slow and cryptic as he speaks. Adding extra adverbs would fix this no worries.

I am a little worried about Phantom’s characterisation. In the first chapter we learn he’s young, or at least younger than Jack. He has a well known reputation of some of the bad things he’s done, but also that he’s good enough to charge only ten dollars. I’m not sure of what kind of currency is worth but I think he’d be flat out buying a decent lunch let alone earning a living. Those things clash and I’m a reader who looks for definite failings and flaws in her characters. Then there’s the ‘spark’ his hand gives off, some high tech gadgets and a quickly won trainer battle against your typical evil bully.

Some of your wording doesn’t flow, mostly due to word repetition and run on sentences. Slow down, reread and listen for where you stop for a breath. Also look for new topics to start new paragraphs.

While I compliment you heartily on your battle scene, too many things are building up in Phantom’s favour.

While the idea is very good, I don’t think the character of Phantom makes it very interesting. There were no surprises, no obstacles, just going from success to success. This can be remedied with flaws and you can work out flaws by sitting down and writing out a bio. For everything in his favour (mysterious appearance, reputation, gadgets) add something that works against him so we can see how he conquers it.





Spelling and Grammar Errors

"There always nervous to meet him." she said to herself.

"Please call me Phantom. Continue if you may." asked Phantom. (If he asks, then there should be a question mark. But it sounds more like a statement then a question.)

"Yes sir. I want you- (Should be a quotation mark on the end.)

"Go on." persisited Phantom

"You get to see a fire attack up and personal (I assume you mean ‘up close and personal’

Goodluck, I’ll see you go in your next chapter!

 

[Shadows Follower]

Replies

Looks like quite a few comments about my chapter. Better answer before my new chapter comes out...

Water Flower and Terria:Thanks for your comments. Didn't really review it but thanks for reading.

Ash_Junior and Water Flower: Thanks for backing me up on the word colour, but please don't use this thread as a grammar warzone. I think that might be against the rules.

IceKing: Thanks for another review and showing me my spelling mistakes. To answer your question about Jack's parents, that will be explained in the next chapter. Also you said that if the battle had taken place in the apartment, it would create a ruckus. I answer to that one, if you read that again they actually fought in the corridor outside the apartment not in the house itself.

Tezza:Talk about a review! Thanks for showing my spelling mistakes and I also have a few answers to your comments.

1) You said that Phantom only charged $10 for that job but if you read a bit better, he said he'd do it for free. The $10 was a gesture from Nevil for what he was doing.

2)You said his character was mixed up. In answer to that, more will be explained about that in the next chapter.

3) Finally you said how Phantom had become Uber (too successful). I know what you mean by that but that was not what I was trying to show. I wasn't trying to show Phantom as strong, but more of Jack being weak. Jack lost that battle easily cause his Pokemon was weak.

Well thanks for reviewing you guys. Also note any spelling mistakes you've pointed out have been corrected.

 

[Articunomew]

Jack lost because his Pokemon were too weak?
I agree with Tezza up there, but on the topic of Jack.

Why would Jack be able to create dominance over the whole of a neighbourhood if his Pokemon were weak?

I'll leave you with that thought.
It was a great fic, there are definitely some words you might want to fix up. Description is an area you will want to improve on slightly, but not much.
Keep it up! I'll be waiting for your update!

C ya!

 

[Terria]

Yup.Jack is a LOUSY bully..........ah well.....the others got bullied when they just started!!Jack is lousy, but still, others are worse......
Im afraid for Sora.......his ekans won't stand well........
Are you going to have a larvitar in his team?.........sorry..........
There are a lot of questions i need to ask............
See you!