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~Troid~

ShadowCloud62

Child at Heart
I'm sorry, I had to write this down. It's been in my head for a while lately and I've decided to finally work on it.
For those who've played the video game, the plot is taken from Metroid Fusion. However, it is NOT a crossover, I repeat, NOT a crossover.
I understand that I am working on Raindrops on Roses, but...for now let me begin this.

And now, Troid begins...

Prologue

She only took a shortcut across Saffron City to get back to her hometown of Celadon.

She didn't want any trouble, she was just coming back from Lavender Town, after delivering Mrs. James' medicine. She didn't want to take the Underground Path, as she'd lost her previous deliveries there, so she just took the detour across Saffron.

Her bike was a fresh new model, the one every kid wanted in Kanto. It was everything to kids, with the soft bike seat, no worries of sore bottoms. The bike was the color of the sky on a sunny day, the wheels could easily repair themselves with a special liquid if they were punctured. The pedals could not possibly break, and it even came with a built-in basket, large enough to carry her deliveries. It was the perfect bike for her.

Her mother had given it to her after her father ordered her to get into the family business. "You gotta deliver this here medicine to Mrs. James in Lavender Town, all right?" he had said to her that morning.

She was thrilled to get the bike, and putting the medicine in the basket, she rode off and successfully delivered her medicine to Mrs. James.

Then, she wanted to cross Saffron, deciding to skip the Underground Path. Her papa told her to never take the Underground Path, you would lose important things there.

So, she took the route across Saffron.

Getting approved by security, she entered the city.

She was surprised to find very few people outside. It was a breezy summer day, and she expected everyone to be out, especially in a place like Saffron.

Only about two or three were out. And they were wearing strange clothing. Each person she saw wore a black paper boy hat, a black long-sleeved shirt that had a red letter 'R' on it, black pants adjusted by a purple belt, and on each belt, she could see at least four pokeballs. The only things that contrasted to their dark clothing were white boots and white gloves.

One of the uniformed men hurried up to her. She was slightly intimidated. She prayed he wasn't asking for a battle, for she didn't have any pokemon. She admitted to herself, this was an embarrassing fact, after all, she was old enough. Far more old enough, she has just celebrated her fourteenth birthday.

The man was pale underneath the sun, the brim of the hat shaded him. His eyes were very dark, at least black, and his dark violet hair was drenched in sweat from being outside for too long.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" he asked. His voice was rather sharp, as if he was a commander.

Calmly, she spoke, "My name is Talia Wolfsbane. I came from Celadon to deliver medicine to an old woman in Lavender, remember?"

His clueless look meant he didn't recognize her. Talia gulped. She didn't know what was going on or who this man really was. She was ready to just start pedaling and hurry off.

"May I ask you to come with me?" he said briskly.

Gulping again, Talia climbed off her bike and was about to walk with it, but the man held up a hand and shook his head, "Put that bicycle back with the security guard. You'll get it back later."

Funny thing was, she believed this guy. Not wanting to cause any trouble, Talia hurried inside the guard's post and came out moments later without her bike, just wearing her light blue tank top, her denim shorts, and her white sneakers, and her waist-length chocolate brown hair all crammed underneath a single white baseball cap that said 'Kanto Pikachus' on it.

"Come along, Miss Wolfsbane." the man said dismissively, beginning his trek towards the largest building in Saffron, that being the Silph Corporation building.

Nervous, Talia followed the man, not uttering a word. She just wanted to go home. Why did this guy want to take her into Silph?

As soon as they made it to the automatic sliding doors, he stepped aside and nodded, "You may step inside. Head to the eleventh floor."

The man stood outside as Talia walked in alone. As soon as the doors closed behind her, she looked around. The building was completely empty. There was an eerie silence that was really creeping Talia out.

She raced past the fountain and into the elevator, frantically pressing the button that led to the eleventh floor.

She just wanted to go home.

Why'd she get wrapped up in this mess?





Seems real confusing, doesn't it? I'll update soon
 

billy5772

SENIOR
This seemed very distilled. It would've been cool to add a little dialogue pertaining to the main character so that we could get more of a feel for her as a person. I'll admit, I am a fan of brevity, but you could have lengthened this chapter with more background scenes and still kept it at a readable length.

It's an interesting start to what I'm sure will be an interesting story, though, so keep going! I can see this thread becoming quite the rioutous hotspot if you keep the good work up!

:club:

I'm currently on a mission to find out when that smiley is appropriate. It seems like something that you'd never use.
 

ShadowCloud62

Child at Heart
Okay, thanks for your review, billy5772! The dialogue I didn't really find necessary, I preferred describing how she felt at that moment then having her speak immediately. I like steadily revealing who the character is. So now we will learn more about Talia. (BTW, I really don't know when that smiley is appropriate either...)

Chapter One

For a minute Talia thought the elevator never moved, only stood in it's spot on the first floor. However, when she felt the elevator jolt, Talia realized she was on the eleventh floor.

As soon as the doors opened, Talia entered yet another empty floor. The halls were silent, and all Talia could truly hear were faint voices down the hall.

Running down the hall, Talia hurried towards the voices speaking, hoping they would help her, hoping they'd let her leave.

She made it to a large steel door at the end of the hall, and Talia pressed herself against the wall, listening to the voices, and placing a hand on the doorknob.

One of the voices was gravelly, as if the person had laryngitis. Talia couldn't tell if this person was a man or a woman, "Are you finished yet? We really don't have time for this."

The other voice was sharp, reprimanding, a female's voice, "Do you really think our research takes days?! Overnight?! The boss even said it himself, it would possibly take months, even years!"

What research? What's going on in there?, Talia thought as she instantly snatched her hand off the doorknob to listen more.

Gravelly Voice snarled and said, "But the boss also said that he needs the infectants in a month. It's been a month. Almost, actually. You still have one week and you're still on Square One."

The sharp female voice sighed in an exasperated tone, "I've had many failed experiments. What do you expect, I'm a Rocket Scientist! You're just a Grunt! Who are you to order me around?!"

Talia widened her eyes when she heard the gravelly voice man snicker and then say, "Whoever said I ordered you around?" and then she heard the loud bang of a gun.

Talia wanted to run, but she was rooted to the spot. She almost died when the door opened and the Gravelly Voice Man turned to her.

He was ugly, with big bug-like eyes and a weird looking nose. "Hi, Sweetheart," he said in a fake sweet voice, "gone and heard the wrong thing, eh?"

He reached a hand out to grab her, and that was when Talia regained consciousness in her legs, and, while panicking, she ducked under the man and hurried into the room he just exited, slamming and locking the door.

"HEY! GET BACK IN HERE, YA BRAT!" Talia heard the man knocking loudly on the door.

Talia looked down at the floor and screamed at the sight she saw. The blood everywhere, and the sprawled body of the woman whose voice she had heard. Beside the body was a table containing one large test tube which held a sticky-looking liquid the color of vomit.

Talia heard the man still knocking frantically on the door and she ran towards the table, ducking under it.

The smell of the body was horrible, it almost made Talia vomit. God, help her, she just wanted to go home!

The door was finally bashed open, and Talia heard the man enter slowly, "Come out, come out, wherever you are...." he said in the same fake sweet voice.

Talia crawled towards the back of the table, behind many containers that held the same liquid she saw in the test tube.

"I know you're in here, sweetie....come on, I ain't gonna hurt ya."

Talia held her breath, frightened that if she even took a breath he would find her. God, help me, please....!!!

Suddenly a few of the containers were kicked aside, and Talia screamed when she saw the evil grin of the man.

"Hello, sweetie!" he said, throwing a poke ball.

Talia shielded her eyes when the white light shone, and when she regained her vision, a purple floating ball was in front of her, grinning madly like the man. There was a toxic symbol on it's stomach, and there were even some toxic fumes coming out of the holes in it's body.

"Koffing, make sure that little brat doesn't get away!" ordered the man.

Talia blindly swung her arms, fending off the poison ball. One of her arms smacked one of the containers of liquid, thus causing a domino effect.

The green liquid spewed out everywhere, on Talia, on the Koffing, even on the man.

Talia stared down at the gross liquid on her arm. She was horrified when it started moving on her arm, taking the form of a green bug with pincers. It looked a bit like a louse, no eyes, just a mouth and pincers.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Talia screamed at the top of her lungs as the green bug thrust it's needle into her skin and burrowed deep within her body.

The same thing was happening to the man and the Koffing, only they were knocked unconscious. Talia saw everything, the bug going inside of her, and that was all she remembered before blacking out herself.







Short chapter, I understand. Next chapter....eh, it'll be up soon.
 

The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
---------freaky. Very freaky......this Rocket Grunt with the gravelly voice, and the bug.....

This one is very intriguing.....
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
Did I ever tell you that I love your ideas? The plot is amazing! ^_^

And I thought they would be mutated or something by the green globish thingy.

Good Job!

~PEACE~
 

StrayedBullet

OMFG................
Well... it has an interesting plot so far. The chapter was pretty short, try a little more description. Maybe you can flesh out the characters a bit more, but that can be done in the coming chapters.

Oh, if you would like a banner, PM me with details. please provide own sprites and background though, so i can make it as close to what you want as possible.

-SB ;001;
 

ShadowCloud62

Child at Heart
O.O Whoa. I got a handful of reviews, some who've even read my previous work. ^_^ YAY! You put this budding author in a good mood!
Now we are about to find out what this green bug really does. Remember, for those who have played the game, it is based on Metroid Fusion!
Now, my update!!!

Chapter Two

She looked just like Talia, the brown hair the same color, a chocolate brown. Her hair was tied back in a bun, however, as she stood by the window of their Celadon Mansion apartment, hands clasped together on her chest. Her eyes, the same color as her daughter's, a vibrant green, were shining with unshed tears.

"She isn't home yet," the woman spoke softly, "where is our baby?"

From behind her, her husband wrapped his arms around her, his own green eyes shining with worry, "I don't know, Stacee. She would've been back by now."

Stacee Wolfsbane turned around to face her husband, "That's why I'm worried, Tom!" she exclaimed, her tears finally falling, "My baby could be anywhere, she's been gone for three hours now!"

"Shh, don't worry, I called Officer Jenny. She's sending a search party now as we speak. Are you coming with me? We have to find Talia."

Stacee sniffled, and nodded, "Yes, honey. Let's find our baby and bring her home!"

***

Her vision blurred all around her eyes, all she could see clearly was the sliding automatic doors. Her breathing was deep and quick, as if she was struggling to breathe. She felt like she had to vomit, but she swallowed down the urge to do so, and on instinct, she rose her left hand and swiped madly at the glass doors.

The glass shattered, and all she could see was the black claws on her hands. She wasn't scared. All that was going on in her head was the frantic thought, I need to leave, I need to leave, I need to leave....!

She noticed those familiar people dressed in black surround her, holding up pokeballs and some pokemon were already out. She heard their voices, they were like male computer voices, speaking in slow motion.

"ATTTTTAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!" the men yelled out, and as if in slow motion the pokemon raced forward to attack her.

With both of her hands she swiped them aside, as if they were nothing but hair in the way of her vision. Blindly, she ran, the men moved aside, and she continued running like mad until she was in the security building.

The security guard by the desk whimpered in fear the moment she entered. She cocked her head to the side, confused. She walked towards the desk and was soon on it after a single leap.

The guard backed away, holding up his gun.

He was about to pull the trigger, until someone else raced into the building.

"STOP!"

That voice....could that be Officer Jenny of Celadon....?

Wait....Celadon...?

Home!, a vague thought crossed her head. Turning, she looked at the police officer with hopeful tears in her eyes. She leapt off the desk and started slowly walking towards the officer.

"Stay back!" Officer Jenny backed away a little, a hand on her waist, as if ready to pull out her firearm.

Why is everyone so afraid? I'm still me, she thought. She tried to speak, but it came out as a strange muffled grunt,

"OfficerFenny, Iamhee. Ish me....Ish me, Thalia."

What is wrong with my voice? I don't even sound human!

Officer Jenny widened her eyes, then whispered, "Talia?"

"YESH ISH ME!" she screamed, "OFFICERFENNY, ISH ME, I'M THALIA! PLEASE, THAKE ME HOME! THAKE ME TO MA--MA, A--AND PA--PA! THAKE ME HOME!!! PLEASE!"

From behind Officer Jenny, she noticed her parents walk in.

"Ma--ma..." she reached out a hand, seeing her claws again. Maybe it was just a hallucination....

Her mother screamed, and clutched her father behind her, "What is that thing?!" she yelled.

"Mama...ish me....your thaughter...." This time hurt tears fell from her eyes. What was going on? Why did everyone fear her as if she were some deadly disease?

"She claims to be Talia. She looks like her..." Jenny told them.

Her mother let go of her father, and slowly began walking towards her, tears brimming in her own eyes, "Talia, darling? Honey, is that you?"

"Stacee! Be careful!" her father yelled.

Her mother took her outstretched hand, and without thinking she pulled her mother close in a warm hug, "Mama....ish me, ish me.....these bad men...they took me away....please don't be scared of me. I'm shtill Thalia...."

Her mother hugged her back, and she heard her mother sobbing uncontrollably, "Honey, what did they do to you?! What did those bad men do?! Look at yourself!"

"Talia...?" her father was shocked.

"I don't believe it..." Officer Jenny widened her eyes, then narrowed them as she ran out the other way, into Saffron.

All who were left were her, her parents, and the still whimpering security guard.

"What thid they thoo to me, Mama? What ah you thalking abow?" she couldn't imagine what was so shocking.

"Look at yourself, darling....DAMMIT, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!" her mother pulled away.

The only mirror was that of behind the security guard's desk. She walked towards the mirror, and once she saw her reflection, she finally vomitted.

What she saw was not her own reflection. She saw a monster. Her eyes were no longer emerald green, but an ugly, wicked red. Her hair was much longer, down to her ankles. Her clothes were torn and ripped, as if she grew out so quickly. And she did. She was at least two feet taller now. Her arms were fine, but it was on her fingers....her fingers! No longer humble nails, but horrible, black claws! Her feet were exposed, the same claws aligned her toes. But it was her back. Her back! They were huge! Black wings, that looked like that of a bat's wings. They were at least as big as a Ho-oh's very own wings! Hanging from her mouth were tiny white fangs, giving her the finishing touch of a creature.

A creature. No longer a human.

Falling to her knees, the creature named Talia Wolfsbane buried her face in her hands, but nothing could muffle her anguished scream, which came out as a monster's sad whimper.








Next update will be up soon.
 

StrayedBullet

OMFG................
Good improvement, interesting concept with the monster. Can't wait to see more.

-SB ;001;
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
You caught me by surprise there, ShadowCloud62! I thought that Talia would be close to a wolf-like creature, with the last name of Wolfsbane and all. Imagine my surprise at the description of the creature!

Also, the sentence structure in the scene when Talia is heading through Saffron and is talking to the Rocket made my heart race. You set up the feeling well, making me want to read further.

You have just the right amount of description when it matters. You also allow for the character's emotions to come out. I actually find myself wondering how Talia and her family will deal with her being this sort of bizarre creature.

I haven't read your other work, but now I want to.

And I didn't spot that many grammar mistakes. Perhaps there werent any? If there were, I didn't notice them.

Keep it up!

-;052;
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
I knew it would mutate her! But it's starting to freak me out. The description is pretty good. Keep it up!

~PEACE~
 

ShadowCloud62

Child at Heart
Here goes...

Chapter Three

Stacee hurried towards the closed wooden door that was locked from the inside, "Honey, has she opened the door?"

Tom shook his head, "No. Ever since we bought her home, I've tried to give her something to eat, but all I hear is sobbing and her throwing things around. It's chaos in there."

Stacee shoved her husband aside and pounded on the door with her fist, screaming, "Talia, honey, please, open the door!"

"NNNNNNO!!!" came the anguished animal grunt from her daughter. Soon after the shout Stacee heard Talia fling her mirror across the room.

"Please, sweetheart, open the door!" Stacee was on the verge of tears. She couldn't bear to see her baby suffer. She lunged her shoulder onto the door, putting all her weight to the door.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Tom exclaimed, trying to pull Stacee back.

Angry tears fell from Talia's mother's eyes, "I will NOT let our child suffer this alone! She needs us!" She wrestled out of her husband's grasp and threw her shoulder onto the door again.

Tom stared for a minute, then grabbed a hold of the brass knob and began throwing his own shoulder onto the door as well, helping Stacee break down the door.

After five more shots, the door fell off its hinges, and Stacee raced to Talia immediately.

Her daughter was about to throw her prized family portrait they had taken when she was six, but Stacee grabbed the photo, stopping her.

Talia was at least a full three feet taller than her mother, and she was sobbing uncontrollably, trying to get out of her mother's firm grip.

"Honey, this HAS to stop!" Stacee yelled, tears falling from her eyes as she looked at her mutated daughter, "Darling, you have to tell us what happened, so that we can help you, sweetie!"

"NNNO! LET ME GOOOOOO!" Talia's voice sounded more and more animal-like than human, an angry snarl.

"Talia Amalia Wolfsbane!" Tom raced to Stacee's aid, "Stop it! Just stop it!"

"NO! NO! LET GO OF ME! I'M A MONSTER, HOW CAN YOU BEAR TO LOOK AT A MONSTER!! LET GO OF ME!"

Stacee held her daughter firm, and stared straight into her eyes, and she spoke boldly and enunciated each word clearly,

"Because you're our baby, and we'll never stop loving you."

This made Talia freeze, and she dropped the photo. Luckily Tom caught it on time and placed it on the unharmed dresser.

"Honey, please...don't shut us out. We're your parents and we'll always be here for you, whether you like it or not. You're still Talia to us, and we'll always love you, sweetie." Stacee replied.

Tears were falling from the mutated human's eyes, and she bent down a little and wrapped her arms around her mother, careful not to scratch her with her claws, "Mommy, Mommy...." she sobbed over and over.

"Shhh....honey, it's okay...." Stacee was instantly reminded of how, when Talia was younger, she'd get a wound and she'd always cry, 'mommy, mommy...' over and over. This was no different. All she had to do was kiss her hurt away.

Stacee pulled back a little and kissed her daughter on the cheek, "There," she said softly, "your boo-boo doesn't hurt anymore, does it?"

Talia pulled her mother close again, "Mommy...."

She didn't feel herself beginning to change. Tom watched in amazement as Talia returned to her usual height, which was a few inches shorter than her mother. The wings seemed to sink into her back, and her claws disappeared. Her clothes were ripped, but Talia had returned to her normal, human form.

***

"I still don't understand," Talia's soft voice had returned as she looked in shock at her normal, human hands, "how did I change from that--thing--to a human again?"

"Maybe you can turn it on and off, Talia," Tom suggested. The three were sitting at the kitchen table, each trying together as a family to figure things out.

"Yes, honey, maybe you can change from the creature to yourself. After that parasite infected you, dear, it's probably an on-and-off mutation of some sort." Stacee said.

"Maybe..." Talia shook her head and buried it in her hands, "Maybe, maybe, maybe. Mama, Papa, all this maybe is getting us nowhere. We have to go back to Saffron...maybe those uniformed people will tell us what happened to me."

"No," Stacee said instantly in a sharp tone, "I will not let you go like that. Tom and I will go alone. You stay in the house, clear?"

Talia shook her head, "No, Mama. I want those men to see...see what they did to me."

Tom glanced at his wife, "She has a point, dear. I also want them to see what they did to our little girl."

Stacee sighed, "Those men seem to not care. Officer Jenny took a few into the station and they didn't reveal anything. The others must still be in Saffron."

Tom rose, "Then let's go."

"Now, Papa?" Talia asked in surprise.

"Hell yeah! I wanna beat the living **** out of them, they deserve it!"

"Tom!" Stacee gasped.

Tom sighed in an exasperated tone, "I'm sorry, I'm just really angry. Talia's our girl, and they got her in a mess she didn't deserve to be in. Stacee, don't you see? They need to pay for what they did! They need to see what the hell they did to her!"

Talia and Stacee glanced at each other, then both rose, saying in unison, "Let's go."



I apologize for the short update...next one will be up soon.
 

StrayedBullet

OMFG................
Hmm... it is getting there, but in my mind i still believe you need to add a bit more description. you could have described the house, the bedroom etc. Also, you could have possibly described how this form was affecting Talia, you know, describe the effect it was having on her emotionally, possibly physically if applicable. also, just a bit on the short side, but other than that it was good. Can't wait to see what happens next!

-SB ;001;
 

ShadowCloud62

Child at Heart
Thankies, everyone! (That's how I say thanks, I just say thankies) *hands out cookies shaped like Raichu and Gardevoir* Feel free to eat, I'm making another batch very soon!
Now, for the reason you guys are here: the update.

Chapter Four

Saffron City was different from the last time Talia came here. The first time had very little people, but nevertheless had people. Today....Saffron City was completely empty. The tall buildings no longer looked friendly, but seemed eerie in the emptiness of the city. There wasn't the cry of a Chansey in a Pokemon Center, and there wasn't the bustling of people walking on a busy street.

Stacee clutched her daughter's hand tightly, "You'll be all right coming with us, Talia? Are you sure you don't want to stay with the security guard?"

Talia shook her head vigorously, "No, Mama. I have to come. I want to know the reason that parasite was being used. I have to know what's wrong with me."

Tom's expression was hard as he muttered, "Come on, we really don't have time for small talk, we gotta get into that Silph building."

The Wolfsbane family began to slowly walk down the red brick road, towards the towering building that seemed to be entirely made of glass. There didn't seem to be any people inside.

"I wonder what happened to all the citizens in Saffron," Stacee wondered, "ever since those Team Rocket men came here, Saffron's been a little eerie lately..."

"Maybe those *******s held them hostage somewhere," Tom said angrily, "so that they can improve their goddamn research and use it on our kid!"

His fists were clenched so tightly that his nails were digging into his palms until they bled.

"Honey," Stacee placed her free hand on her husband's shoulder, "calm down."

"How the hell can I calm down when our daughter's been tossed into all of this?! She didn't do anything, all she wanted to do was come home to us and be safe!"

"Papa, please," Talia pleaded, "calm down. You didn't take your blood pressure pills today, so try to be calm."

Tom took a few deep breaths and his expression softened as Talia gripped his large hand, "All right, Tal."

Moments later they stood in front of the automatic doors of Silph Corporation. Both Stacee and Tom were about to step in with Talia, but she pulled them back.

Both Stacee and Tom looked at their daughter. "Honey?" Stacee asked.

Talia's head was down, and she let go of both her father's and her mother's hands. Talia was brave at first, but now, now that she was facing this place again...

"Mama, Papa, I can't. I can't go in there. I tried to be brave, but I can't go in." Talia muttered sadly.

Tom ran a hand through his raven-hued hair, "I had a feeling, Tal. Your mother and I told you to stay with the security guard...."

"I'm sorry, Papa. I just can't."

Stacee nodded, understanding, "All right. Your father and I will go ourselves. You can stay out here or return to Celadon if you really want to. Okay?"

Talia nodded, "I'll stay out here, there doesn't seem to be anyone here anyway."

"We'll be fine, Tal, don't worry about us," Tom said, "your mother will keep me calm, honest," he smiled a bit, trying to lighten up the mood a little.

Talia giggled, "Just don't go overboard, Daddy."

"Come on, Mr. Conceited," Stacee lightly teased her husband, yanking him by the arm, "we're going in."

Talia nodded, "I love you, and be careful!"

"We will, darling," Stacee said as she and Tom stepped inside and the doors closed behind them. Before they began to walk further into the building, they turned to Talia, smiled, and waved.






This is only about two pages on WordPerfect, again I apologize greatly for the shortness. Chapter Five will be longer, since prologue to chapter four are merely beginning chapters, and chapter five will build up on what the parasite is and why Team Rocket is using it. Also, we'll learn a few more side effects that the parasite can do. Also, we are given a name to the parasite. Hint for you guys: look at the title.
 

The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
(takes the Raichu and Gardevoir cookies and devours them....then feels bad for eating Kay and Shadora >_>)

Like you said, a little short but quality wise it continues to be very good. I'm in suspense as to what exactly this parasite can do.....
 

ShadowCloud62

Child at Heart
TGB: Don't worry, don't feel bad for eating the cookies, Kay and Shadora made them themselves! They're excellent bakers!
 

StrayedBullet

OMFG................
*Eats cookies and gets fat*

Now I have to go on a diet grrr!!! Anyway, aside from the short chapter, you are improving greatly. I'm interested in seeing how Tom reacts when he gets inside, hopefully he won't do anything stupid. Also i find it a bit strange how Tom and Stacee just let Talia wait outside, she's out there in the open, so anything could happen. Interested in seeing how this develops.

-SB ;001;
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Cookies! *tackles cookies* And that's the way the cookies crumble.

Ah...your fic is good. One little itsy-bitsy grammar issue, but it's not enough to seriously detract from the story. Argh! I can't wait for the update! I want to know more!

The one thing that irks me is the line about the blood pressure medication. A person can die if they don't take it and get angered or excited. But it's just a small thing. Not that important to the story.

I just would like more description of the character's feelings. You show some well, but I like more. Like...I don't know. Can't provide that many examples. Sorry. Ignore that.

-;052;
 
S

Soleni

Guest
It's good, but all the chapters are a bit short. Try a tad more description.
 
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