DarkGirl said:
Cold, so cold. A girl wrapped in nothing more than an ice blue and white jacket stumbled along a glacier; cold to suit her soul.
Playing happily in the bitter weather along the path were two Pokemon; dark types, dark to suit her soul. Her evil eyes widened as she galloped eagerly towards them, Pokeball in hand.
Her Ponyta blasted the two Pokemon with a blazing tongue of fire. The girl threw the Pokeball of doom. It twisted through the bitterly cold air of the glacial Ice Path.
She’d caught the Umbreon, leaving the Sneasel in pain.
She’d caught me, leaving my best friend.
As a personal preference, I dislike fics based on angst and tragedy and darkness. It just seems pointlessly depressing. >< Meh. It's your fic. I'll probably just not read anymore. But since I read the prologue, I might as well comment. ^^
Firstly, I'm a little confused about the actions you've got going there - you say the girl stumbled along, then that she galloped and mentioned that she had a Ponyta. Is the girl ON the Ponyta? If she's meant to be, I'd advise you make that a bit clearer because she goes from walking to riding without any transition and the reader is left baffled.
Secondly, I can see you're trying to set a grim atmosphere to this fic but using a lot of words like 'dark', 'evil', 'doom', 'bitter', 'cold'.... Sure, each of these words carries a stigma of gloom and doom but I'd advise against using such phrases as 'pokeball of doom'. It just ends up sounding corny cause so many people would use terms like that in a humourous/sarcastic context to the point that the connotations of humourare fixed into it. Very few people will take you seriously if you word it like that. Perhaps something like 'The girl hurled the pokeball, sealing a fate of sorrow with its passing' or some such. Bah. You can tell I'm not skilled at the whole 'let's write something that's TRAGIC AND DOOMFUL' style. Meh, long story short, just remember that the words you're using are often seen in very different contexts and that people remember those other contexts and associate them with yours. Mebbe try something more run of the mill like 'sorrow' or 'grief' or 'sombre'. These all add to the grave (<<there's another!) mood you want your fic to have but IMO are less corny.
Thirdly, characterisation. I think most other people have said it before, but I'll say it again anyway. Characters are rarely one-dimensional so be careful with the way you portray the girl who caught the Umbreon. Whilst Umbreon might see her that way, no human character is truly bad and shouldn't be portrayed as such.
Then again, you could probably do something pretty slick with the way Umbreon sees her as opposed to how she really is. To me, she sounds pretty clueless, but not malicious. Sneasels are ice types so she probably thought it would be alright on the ice. Either that or she didn't think at all. Of course, Umbreon doesn't know this, does it? Poor li'l critter probably sees his new master as a heartless tyrant... But that's where you can show your maturity... even while narrating from Umbreon's point of view, you can let your readers see that the girl isn't behaving like a monster - just that Umbreon sees one cause he's looking for one... Bah, I prattle too much. >< Just remember than no character is one-dimensional, two dimensional or even three or four dimensional. 'Real' characters are as complex and complicated as real people. You can't begin to count the dimensions because the dimensions blur.
Fourthly, I kinda like your theme. I've been toying with the idea of doing my own story about the consequences of defeating a wild pokemon... they don't just disappear... So naturally I can appreciate the ideas here. ^^ Nice going.
Fifthly... meh, can't think of a fifth one. Just have fun and good luck with next chapter! ^^
Piney.
;204;;324;
