1. We have moved to a new forum system. All your posts and data should have transferred over. Welcome, to the new Serebii Forums. Details here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders
    Dismiss Notice

Unknown Paradise - PG13

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Xionea, Apr 6, 2013.

  1. Xionea

    Xionea Half a centaur

    Unknown Paradise

    Hello everyone! Welcome to my first Fan Fiction. I hope you read it and enjoy it. There will be intense battles and drama, so if you want that, then you came to the right place. I hope you continue to follow the story as it won't be an obsessively long one. Well, hope you enjoy the beginning!

    PM List

    Chapter 1: A tragedy​

    10 years ago, there was a war between humans and Pokemon. Arceus led the Pokemon. The war didn't last long and before we knew it, 80% of the human population was wiped, leaving a mere 20% of us to survive. Arceus took a majority of the Pokemon and left without a trace.

    Due to the war, the world was left in ruins; buildings destroyed, trees uprooted, rivers dried up.

    We've managed to slightly build the world back after those 10 years. Unfortunately, we heavily rely on the Pokemon's help now more than ever, but with so few Pokemon now, its been a big problem.

    Finding a Pokemon in the wild is a huge deal. When one is spotted, we do our best to become friends with it. We don't try to hurt it and then try to capture it in a pokeball. If the Pokemon trusts someone, it'll then go inside a pokeball. That indicates its respect for the trainer.

    I only own two Pokemon. My best friend has one. Most people don't even have a Pokemon. So I guess you could say I'm one of the luckier people.

    In the small town I live in, everyone has to pitch in to help out with the community. I play with and take care of the town's Pokemon. There's only 12 of them, so it isn't very difficult. My friend, Elizabeth, helps out from time to time. Some people work with the grass and rock Pokemon to build homes and roads. Others, like the mayor, keep everything in running order.

    The sound of shoes on gravel hits my ears. With no grass for miles, it's so easy to hear someone approach you.

    "How's everyone doing today, Alice?" Elizabeth, who I like to call Lizzie, asks with a high pitched tone in her voice.

    "Everyone's doing fine," I smile and say. "Plusle and Minun and exhausted from charging the electricity today, though."

    "I'm not surprised. They're the only electric Pokemon we have. I'm happy that they haven't left us."

    "I think they enjoy it here. There are other Pokemon that they get to play with after they charge the electricity. That wouldn't be possible out in the wild," I tell her.

    "That's true." Elizabeth bends down and picks up Plusle. "Plus, I don't want any of these cuties to leave us. My heart would break!" She tickles Plusle, making it laugh with happiness.

    I look at the laughing Plusle and all of the other Pokemon that seem to be enjoying themselves. "Hey, Lizzie?" I ask.

    She's still smiling as she cuddles the small bundle of electricity, "Yeah?"

    "Do you believe in the Pokemon Paradise?"

    "The place that Arceus supposedly brought a majority of the Pokemon to after the war? Can't say I truly do. It would need to be a big area, and if it really exists, you'd think someone would have found it by now, right?"

    "Yeah, I guess so..." I say with a bit of disappointment.

    I was hoping I wasn't the only one who believed in that place. If my best friend believed in it too, I would have been ecstatic. But even she doesn't believe it exists.

    My goal is to find the Pokemon Paradise. I want to mend the relationship with Pokemon and humans. Arceus was too harsh to begin that war in my opinion.

    Just as I was about to try to change Lizzie's mind, I heard screaming.

    Lizzie jumps up, "What's going on?"

    I look up and see smoke billowing up in the distance, "That doesn't look good." I motion to the mayor's Kingler, "Help me put out that fire!"

    The Kingler snaps its pincers and scurries alongside me.

    We reach the location of the fire with Lizzie a few paces behind us. The wooden buildings our town is made up of are engulfed in flames. The fires are way too big for one water Pokemon to extinguish by itself. "Kingler, use water gun on the fires. Try to put them out!"

    The Kingler obliges and starts shooting a stream of water at the flames. Luckily, since I take care of the Pokemon, Kingler obeys me, regardless that I'm not its owner.

    "How did this happen?" I ask the nearest person.

    "I'm not sure, but I think a Pokemon did this," the man responds.

    I scan the dry land, looking for any sort of fire type around that could have caused this. However, I did notice a young girl standing in front of one of the burning buildings.

    "Get away from there!" I yell at her.

    She doesn't respond to my yelling.

    Frustrated, I run over to her and grab her arm, "Didn't you hear me?"

    The young girl looks at my face with her red eyes that felt like they were staring into my soul. "Isn't it beautiful?" she asks with a monotonous tone.

    "Wha-? Are you insane? You could get hurt from standing this close to the flames! C'mon, lets move."

    I try to pull her away, but she was like a brick wall and wouldn't budge an inch.

    "Volcarona. Get her off of me," she says.

    There's no way she owns a Volcarona, I think to myself. Boy, was I wrong.

    My back begins to feel extremely hot, and I realize why.

    With a quick 180, I see the large 5 foot long moth staring at me. Sweat begins to form on my back; part from the heat beating off of its wings, part from pure terror.

    The Volcarona stares at me with kaleidoscope eyes filled with anger and rage. It must be because it thinks I'm hurting its master. The moth screeches, pulls in close to me, and locks its stubby arms around my body. It pulls me up in the air as I release the girl's arm. The wind as we take off whips my blond hair all over my face, partly obscuring my vision. 20 feet in the air. 40 feet. 60 feet. The higher up we go, the more I hyperventilate.

    The terror I feel ignites even more. My body screams at me to struggle free, but my brain knows better. The Volcarona can easily kill me if it drops me at this height.

    By the time we reach almost half a mile up in the air, I look down and see something that terrifies me.

    The entire town is now in flames.
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2013
  2. Keldminrachi91

    Keldminrachi91 Just call me Cooki

    Hmm, very different. I like different, though. :)

    Anyways, I do like the whole story behind it, although this feels like more of a prologue than a first chapter. IMO, fics that introduce a new topic are very good, but almost always require a prologue. For example, if you have something like what you are doing, obviously there would have to be some explanation to the situation they're in, but something like a trainer fic does not, because we all know the ten year olds travel around X region and so on. Although this really depends on your writing style. Some people just don't like to write prologues, and that is perfectly fine.

    Something I do like is the length. It is good for this particular fic, or at least what you have told us so far. Same goes for the pacing (except for one tiny thing; see below)

    Your pacing was good, except for the last few lines. It seemed a bit rushed, the way Volcarona lifted her up into the sky. A little more detail would fix this, like perhaps giving us, as the readers, a little more insight, if you know what I mean.

    Like I mentioned earlier, you could've had the first part (where you set the setting, etc) with some more information and had it as its own separate prologue (remember, prologues DON'T have to include a lot of action, nor be exceptionally long), and then have the rest with some more information and as its own chapter.

    And now, the quoting portion. Yay!

    Who led the humans? Was there no leader, and thus there was mass chaos among the humans? Why would Arceus leave a small population of humans? This, while not a bad thing, reminds me of the first movie (Mew vs Mewtwo) because of Arceus saving the Pokémon but eliminating some of the humans. We, as readers, would definitely need more information, because I find it confusing that:

    A) Arceus doesn't completely eliminate humans, allowing us to think that Arceus does care about the survival of the race. But, if he did care about them, why would he kill off the majority of them anyways? On a similar (yet more understandable) note, why would Arceus save only the Pokémon? I can understand this to more of an extent, but right now, Arceus and the backstory really conflict, if you know what I mean (ie- there are unanswered questions that need to be answered, because if they go unanswered, readers can get different ideas of what happens in the fic. This CAN be good in some situations, but I don't think its the best for this one.)

    I would assume this was due to the war? I had to think about this for a moment, because the way it's worded, you make it seem like the world was in ruins because Arceus left without a trace.

    The tense is a little off, because relying on Pokémon help was in the past, because Arceus took the Pokémon in the past. Something like "Unfortunately, we heavily relied on the Pokémon's help, which there is now very little of." fits better.

    I do like how you addressed the "What about Pokeballs?" factor that I see quite a few fics fail to mention. Kudoes to you. :)

    Your dialogue flows very well, which can be hard to do. Well done.

    So, I see Lizzie is the smart character, is she? XD

    Skipping the part that I feel was slightly rushed, I do LOVE cliffhangers, especially well-executed ones. Cliffhangers to some are an "easy way out of finishing what you started". To me, cliffhangers are "a creative way that, when executed correctly, can lead readers checking back every day for a update". By executed correctly, I mean where you choose to cut it off. There's the cliffhangers where it cuts off right before "X" is revealed, and cause a lot of suspense if used right. If you had cut it off at the second to last line this would qualify as one of those. Then, there's the ones that are cut right after "X" is revealed, giving the readers more of a settled feeling, but still wanting to know what happens next. These, in my opinion, are harder to write, because they can become the normal cut off, where it just slows to a stop, and you feel completely satisfied with the ending of whatever.
  3. TheBlackDuelist

    TheBlackDuelist Well-Known Member

    Well It's not bad but it could definitely be alot better. It was different which is a plus of course and a good way to draw readers away from the usual ten year old story fic. I'll highlight some of things that you should work on.

    The Plot
    • Although this is only the first chapter, You want it to reveal the Protagnists and the setting they are in. Be more descriptive when you try to desribe the setting that the characters are in. It was hard to picture an image of what the town looked like from what you described

    POV (Point of View)
    • I don't often see authors using first person so respect to you for attemping that. Now everyone should know that using First Person POV isn't as easy as using Third Person. The major disadvantage of using 1st person is the fact that you can only get into the heads of one character, the protagnist. If you're going to be using only his or her's POV then you should be as enclose as possible. This means that you need to show the readers everything the narrator sees to a high degree. It is up to you to show the readers on what is going on.

    Writing Style
    • Now this is something that I actually quite enjoyed. It was a good to mix up the type of styles you used as I noticed that in some sentences that you described what the characters were doing and then showed their dialogue, while other times you said the dialogue and then showed their actions. It makes it good for the reader and can make reading a long fan fiction more bearing. Good job.

    I'll be waiting for the next chapters to come out and then I'll give ya another review :)
  4. Xionea

    Xionea Half a centaur

    I didn't want to go too in depth with the war yet, since the back story involving that will play an important role later. Therefore, revealing too much right away will just spoil everything.

    Yeah, looking back on it, I do think that was a bit rushed. I'll try to fix that.

    To me, I didn't feel the need to describe the setting, since, well, it gets burned at the end.

    All in due time.

    I'll fix the wording on that.

    I was talking about more of humans relying on Pokemon now more than ever. Ex: Plusle and Minun being used to generate electricity. I understand the wording was a bit iffy.


    In my personal opinion, I like cliffhangers that tell you what happened but leaves room for some speculation. If I left it on the previous line, it would have felt way too broad, which I personally don't like.

    Guess I'll add detail to it.

    Thanks for the information! I'll keep that in mind.

    Last edited: Apr 7, 2013
  5. Keldminrachi91

    Keldminrachi91 Just call me Cooki

    I completely understand with the 'not wanting to reveal because it spoils' thing; have something a little like that in my fic :)

    Reading over my review, I do think it was a little more focused on the...parts of your fic that could be improved. That is very unlike me, and I'm sorry, because many of my reviews are try to keep positive and keep what I say I like equal to qhat I say could be improved. I do believe that at that particular moment, I had to cut the review short before I could finish, so I will try to finish off what I started.

    Like TheBlackDuelest, I did like how you used first person POV, unlike most other fics. Sometimes when I can't find a good fic that isn't in third person, I'll sit down and read a few chapters of the Hunger Games, because after awhile reading multiple fics in first person just gets... boring, I guess. So, yes I did like that about it. :)

    And, the part about cliffhangers is where it was cut off, I believe. I meant to say that the way you cut it off was good; it was very well suited as an ending. :)

    And, also, I see you reworded some of the beginning parts; they are much easier to understand now, and seem to be understood more naturally.

    Overall, my review of this chapter is:

    ~Your dialogue flows well, and you didn't leave questions like 'Pokeballs?' unanswered

    ~Your ending is well done; especially since you included some more detail; the events and thoughts now seem to lead up to the cliffhanger

    ~Probably the biggest; your idea is original. Sure, there's some other Pokémon world apocalypse somewhere (my dead RP comes to mind), but the majority of stories you see nowadays are either PMD, journey/trainer, or humorous (recently, I've see quite a few). Yours already sets a serious tone, and I like it very much.

    ~Your description could use a little bit of work, but that, I think, really just comes with experience and practice. I think that the more you write, the better you'll be able to judge if something seems vague.

    ~Nothing else, really, especially after you cleared everything up. :)

    Also, if you have a PM list, I would love to be on it. *cough cough hint hint wink wink* ;)
  6. Xionea

    Xionea Half a centaur

    I appreciate the help and support with this, it means a lot to me! Thanks!

    The sad thing was, I was fully aware that I didn't describe the town at first. It was hard to find a point in the first chapter to describe the town without it just seem like coming out of the blue, so I decided to opt it out, which may not have been a smart thing to do. I also realized some of the stuff that I did have to fix were careless mistakes on my part. I'll have to proofread more and make sure stuff like both of those don't keep happening.

    Sure :D

    Again, thank you and TheBlackDuelist for the help you both provide to make my fanfic better!
  7. Xionea

    Xionea Half a centaur

    Chapter 2: Oz​

    I can't believe it. The town I grew up in is now burning in front of my eyes.

    How did the flames spread that quickly? One scenario pops into my mind. That girl must have placed more than one fire type Pokemon around the town. Why did she want to burn my hometown?

    Something flashes out of the corner of my eye. I look over and see the red headed girl standing on top of a Charizard. She must have incredible balance to stand on a flying Charizard.

    "Drop her, Volcarona," her emotionless voice commands.

    The Volcarona screeches in reply and unlatches me. I try to grab onto the tufts of fur with no luck.

    My scream fills the air as I plummet down to the burning town. My tattered clothes press firmly against my body.

    With much effort, I manage to successfully grab one of the Pokeballs on my poorly handmade leather belt. The air force makes it difficult to point downwards, but I put all of my strength into it and point the ball directly below me. I hope I grabbed the right one...

    "Skarmory, help me!" I press the button in the center and it opens. A red light ejects out of the inside and forms the body of my Skarmory.

    The metallic bird caws and helps me land onto its back as softly as possible. Unfortunately, landing on a bird made of steel softly just isn't possible. I still hit my head hard on its back, leaving a large bruise on my forehead.

    I can hear the girl's Charizard and Volcarona above me, "Tch, still alive?" she asks.

    "I have no intention of dying now," I told her as I rub my forehead.

    "That's a shame..." She snaps her fingers, "Charizard, flamethrower."

    Flames begin to form in the center of the Charizard's maw.

    "Dodge it!" I beg Skarmory.

    The stream of fire shoots from the Charizard, and Skarmory barely manages to dodge it. I can feel the intense heat of the blast as it passes us. A second later and we would have been crispy.

    The girl looks at her Volcarona, "Hurricane."

    Volcarona rapidly beats its wings, forming a large hurricane aimed directly at me.

    "Now add Fire Spin," she commands.

    Volcarona swirls around its hurricane, adding a plethora of flames into it.

    The result is a giant inferno, much larger than a normal Inferno attack.

    "Skarmory!" I yell, "Autotomize!"

    A flash of light directly below my face stuns me for a second, then I notice bit and pieces of metal fluttering down to the earth after blinking out bright spots from my eyes. Skarmory shed some metal to increase its speed.

    "Dive bomb down as fast as you can!"

    Skarmory tucks its wings in and nearly throws me off from the speed of the drop.

    The Fire Spin + Hurricane combo harmlessly passed over our heads and dissipates.

    I fly back up to eye level with the red-haired girl. Her black dress flutters in the wind.

    There's no way I can beat two fire types with a single steel type. There has to be an alternate solution. Charizard is front of me and Volcarona is not far from my left. An idea forms in my mind.

    "Flamethrower, Charizard," the pyromaniac says.

    Once again, Charizard begins its attack. Flames slowly begin to form.

    I lean in close to Skarmory, "Fly behind the Volcarona," I whisper to it.

    Skarmory makes a quick turn and flies directly behind Volcarona just as Charizard releases its flamethrower. The attack hits Volcarona right in the center of its body. The fur ignited as the fire spread all over its body, making it twist in pain. It then fell out of the sky.

    The girl clicks the center of a Pokeball that almost seemed to appear in her hand out of thin air, making the falling moth return to its owner in a blur of red light.

    She doesn't look happy... Or sad... Or, frankly, any emotion at all.

    "You having trouble fighting a steel type with all of those fire Pokemon?" I ask in a cocky voice.

    "I burned your town. That's all I came here for. No need to fight you," she says. She was just about to fly away when she looks back at me, "My name is Oz. I hope you enjoy the ashes of your loved ones." And with that statement, she flew away off in the distance of the smoke-filled sky.

    That's right! Everyone in the town!

    I flew back down as fast as I could, quickly returning Skarmory into its Pokeball the second we landed, and nearly falling flat on my face from rushing.

    A quick scan of the dry field outside of the burning town showed everyone was here... Except...

    I rush to the nearest person, the mayor, "Where's Lizzie? And all of the Pokemon?" Panic beginning to creep into my voice.

    He frowns, which makes his curly moustache slightly uncurl, "We haven't seen them since we managed to get out. Elizabeth was escorting everyone she could find."

    My heart started to beat twice its normal rate. My best friend might still be in there.

    The mayor seemed to anticipate what I was planning to do, so he grabbed my arm, "Don't go in there. At least wait until the fire is done burning."

    "But she could be hurt in there!" I yell in his face.

    "I know, but there's nothing we can do now!"

    . . .​

    It took until late next morning until the fire was at a safe level to check the town.

    Everyone spent the next few hours looking through the black ruins of our small town hoping to find a sign, or the body, of Lizzie. No one could find anything.

    Any trace of the Pokemon were completely gone, as well.

    All I wanted to do at that moment was cry. With the loss of my best friend, hometown, and all of the Pokemon, my life has become a living hell in less than 12 hours.

    The tears finally made their way out. They flowed down my face, dripping onto the soot ground. I couldn't do anything but sob uncontrollably.

    No one would comfort me.
  8. Jorge565

    Jorge565 Magikarp

    Im not a saying I like to see people die, but I am actually kind of happy that lizzie died(lol) because it adds to alice's backstory.To be honest I think these chapters could've been a prologue because it tells the reader what makes alice tick. Nontheless this fic is awesome. I especially like that you have constant action(but not too much) to keep the reader interested. Will be looking forward to reading more of this fic
    .it is also like some of my fave series like hunger games, heroes of olympus, and divergent series since you have a good mix of dialogue and action.(sorry went all geeky there >_<)
    And can you add me to pm list or else :mad:
  9. Xionea

    Xionea Half a centaur

    Don't worry, you're not the only geeky one here! *high fives*

    And I'll put you in the PM list :)
  10. Keldminrachi91

    Keldminrachi91 Just call me Cooki

    I liked this chapter.

    Oz: Very mysterious. Although I think a young girl acting as the town's destroyer is a little, odd, I guess. Normally the ones burning towns and killing people are older, more experienced- looking people, but' it's good to do things that are out of the ordinary. (Just me being a geek here, but it makes ODD if you make it an acronym. How strange...)

    I liked the action, and your pacing was also good. I noticed a few little minor grammar mistakes, although I can't seem to find them now >_< I also noticed that you have added more description, and there is more of a balance between description and dialogue. Your chapters are shorter than a lot of fics, but that IS PERFECTLY FINE. There are a lot of fics I've seen with five pages of writing and I've also seen fics with thirty- page chapters, but for this fic, the length could be slightly longer (maybe another page or so), but really it's fine. Don't feel that you have to make your chapters extremely long, because sometimes that hurts your fic more than it helps it.

    Overall, this chapter has shown that you are already improving, and that your have very solid writing skills. I would just recommend proofreading your fic chapters (if you aren't already), although even that can't comb out every single mistake :) Just keep it up, you're doing great! ;)

Share This Page