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Unova apprentices

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by NinjaScepSneasel, Mar 19, 2011.

  1. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Well, firstly I think I owe IanDonyer an apology. I did an overly bad review on his new Unova based fan fic, complaining that there was too many Unova based storys starying up, and that it wasn't original. Afterwoulds, however, I had a change of heart. I decided that it would be a great idea to start one as therefore people would beable to compare the writers of the storys easier. Don't worry, My other fan fic, Regional Conflict - the five sacred stones, is still continueing. Oh, and this will probably end up as a PG13 again. Enjoy :)

    Anyway, without further ado, The first chapter! Please review :)

    Chapter 1: Stranger in the night

    I had always dreamt of being a trainer, ever since I could remember. I had always admired trainers such as Alder, Iris, Cheron and my parents. However, my parents were very particular about when and how I should get my first Pokemon. They definitely weren’t going to give it to me. But anyway, I think that as you’re taking the care to listen to my tale, I should do some introductions.

    My name is Mark, and I am 14 years old. I have had a very big part in the recent affairs that I’m sure you would have heard of. But in case you haven’t, I won’t spoil it for you. Like the past great Unova trainers, I lived in Nuvema city.

    Nuvema city had definitely grown over the years, developing many suburbs and becoming the second biggest port apart from Castelia city. Everyone had suddenly flocked to the tiny town as soon as my father, Blair, became the champion, and they also heard about the Team Plasma affair.

    For those of you who have had your heads stuck down a hole for the last 20 years, an evil group of people called Team Plasma tricked people into releasing their Pokemon, and they nearly succeeded in running the entire region. But it had been my father and his friends who had stopped them. Of course I’m proud.

    Anyway, if you’re anything like me then you won’t want to hear a history lesson. The important thing was that I was living on the outskirts of the city, which were surprisingly rural, and I lived practically next door to Professor Junipers lab.

    Now I shall get onto the telling of my tale, and how I got my first Pokemon…

    “Can you stop that please?” moaned Charlie, irritated. Him, Daisy and I were all best friends, and we were going to have a sleepover. We had also decided that as we couldn’t agree on who’s house to go to, we would examine everyone’s rooms to see which one was best.

    Charlie’s was definitely not the best. The room was hardly wider than a few sofas, and the space that he did have was filled with countless amounts of books and papers. I found this extremely boring, and I honestly did wonder how anyone could enjoy reading and writing practically all the time. Of course I was going to see what on earth could be so interesting that my second best friend would be obsessed with it.

    Charlie wasn’t too pleased. His facial features were dull and didn’t stand out in a crowd in any way at all. He had short, blue hair which blended with his slick eyebrows. His eyes were tiny in comparison with his huge and bony nose. His choice of clothing was equally as boring as him, he usually just wore blue or black. He adjusted his glasses nervously as he always did when he was worried. Obviously he thought his things were quite important.

    Compared to him, I think that its safe to say that I’m better looking. I’m not trying to be big headed, it’s the truth. I have shaggy ginger hair and massive, thick eyebrows. My mum says that my eyes have the twinkle of a star, and at least my nose doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb. I also have a better sense of fashion, as I normally wear a black trendy jacket, and styled jeans.

    “So, what do you think guys?” Charlie asked, expecting a good answer for some reason. He was about to be very disappointed.

    “Your room is totally rubbish,” Daisy summed up perfectly, much better than I could ever do. She has beautiful shining blonde hair that often blocks out her amazing emerald green eyes. She’s just the right size for everything, and her clothing style is amazing. She wears extremely short, blue designer shorts, a vest top and a t-shirt length jacket. She’s much nicer than me too, normally.

    “Well, I can’t see any of us sleeping in your room, Daisy. We’d be all pinked out,” Charlie remarked. This was another good argumentative response. I chose my friends very wisely.

    “Tell you what, guys,” I said, taking the situation into my own hands. “Why don’t we just go back to my place? Then everything will be fine.”

    “Agreed,” hurried Daisy, eager to get out of the tiny room. I think she’s claustrophobic. And thus we headed back off to my place.


    Nowadays, the streets of Nuvema city are often compared to the streets of Castelia city - thriving and dark. It was evening, and the orange glow of the setting sun was just visible over the top of the massive blue buildings lining both sides of the street. The road was long and dusty, and this was because of the mass of people that usually rushed along it. There were also many side alleys, but no-one knew what happen down there. It was best left a secret.

    “Scary,” shuddered Daisy, holding onto my arm like she often did. Charlie gave us a sigh of annoyance like he usually did when we clang to each other. It wasn’t our fault that he was jealous of our relationship.

    “I agree,” I replied extra loud and romantically just to annoy Charlie. Luckily for me my house was the last one on the final street. We all lived round about that street. And I was even more lucky in that just around the corner from my house is professor Junipers lab.

    We continued our stroll down the now deserted road. I made sure that every step we took was almost in slow motion just to make it seem longer for Charlie. I know it’s pretty harsh, but to be perfectly honest, it’s worth seeing his facial expressions. If they put a show of them on TV, I’m sure that it would become the most watched programme in all Unova, maybe even in the whole world.

    I certainly didn’t expect a middle aged woman in a lab coat to be standing outside my door with a large wrapped box. I would have just presumed her to be a normal visitor for my mum and ignored her, but she was blocking the way, and if I didn’t get Charlie and Daisy in quickly, they may decide to head to Daisy’s house instead. And whilst she was my girlfriend, I didn’t think I could cope having to spend a whole night in a completely pink room. So I had to talk to her.

    “Erm… hello?” I started in annoyed tone, just for affect. The woman turned around, surprised, and I instantly recognised her hair and short skirt as Professor Juniper. Only she could get away with being a professor and wearing such clothes.

    “Hello, Mark,” she greeted me, holding out her hand to me. I certainly didn’t want to be embarrassed, so I immediately declined. “I have been watching you three.”

    “You have?” asked Charlie, wondering what she meant.

    “No, I just said that because I felt like it!” Juniper said sarcastically in a stupid tone, and then burst out laughing. “Sorry, it had to be done,” she apologised. “Anyway, I think that you three have real potential to be great Pokemon trainers. I have a surprise for you in your room.”

    “What, so the box is not for us?” I asked, now unsure what she was doing stood outside my door.

    “Nope! That’s for some other young people. I was standing out here because I forgot to tell your mother to call you all together. But as you are all here now, I don’t need to. Now, I have work to do.” She saluted for some reason, and then continued down the street, watched by a few passer-by’s.

    “Well…” I said, to break the silence.

    “How can she just see potential anyway?” Charlie questioned.

    “Well, Mark here is the son of Bianca and Blair, probably two of the most famous trainers ever, isn’t he?” Daisy reminded him. “And I am the daughter of Cheron. And she’s probably seen you with your books so many times that she’s realised that you are knowledgeable.”

    “Are we just going to stand here waiting to be mobbed?” I spat, wanting to find out what the professor had done. “Let’s hurry up and get inside.” For once, Charlie and Daisy agreed, and I slotted my rusty old key into our blue door, and turned it. The other two filed in, and I took one last look at the dirty road before also heading inside.


    My house was rather small, as it was popular to have a small house in Unova for some bizarre reason. I always did wonder who set all the stupid fashions around the world, and who decided what was popular and what wasn’t. We had two downstairs rooms, the lounge and the kitchen, which were both painted a dark blue colour as that was the only colour me and my mum could agree on. We also had three upstairs rooms - my room, the bathroom and my mum’s room.

    The house entrance lead into the kitchen, which was a small room with many work surfaces and all the equipment needed for a house kitchen. My mum was busy at work with something, wearing a green and white dress like she usually did. Apparently she had been wearing a similar dress on the day that she had met my dad.

    “Hello, Mark,” she greeted, smiling whilst putting some food away and brushing away her blonde hair. She was an excellent multitasker. Anyone would have expected my mother to say something like “sweetie” instead of using my name, but I had had a strict talk with her about not using embarrassing language.

    “Hi Mum.” I smiled casually, letting my friends go up the stairs at the back of the room to our landing, which doesn’t really count as a room. “We’ve decided that we are going to sleep here tonight.” I had already spoken with my mother about this, and she nodded knowingly.

    “Ok, I suspect I won’t see you until morning then. Goodnight.” She smiled lovingly, and then gave me a small cuddle before letting me retreat into my room.

    My room was also dark blue, and it was probably the biggest room in the house. It had enough floor space for two sleeping bags as the only other things I had in my room were my bed and a large wardrobe containing all of my stuff. I had already prepared the sleeping bags, and usually this would have impressed Daisy, but there was much more things of interest in my room now. Sitting on my bed was a large blue box similar to the one the professor had been carrying.

    “This must be what the professor dropped round,” grinned Daisy, “I can’t wait to see what it is!”

    “Why don’t we hurry up and read the label then?” Charlie impatiently remarked. As it was my room, they seemed to have the idea that I had the right to read it. So I kneeled by the thin piece of paper and tried to read in aloud. The handwriting was extremely scruffy though, and reading wasn’t exactly my strong point.

    “Dear trainers,” I managed to make out. “This box co…t…s the essen… thin… need… to star… your poke…advent…”

    “Advent?” spluttered Charlie. “Do you want to borrow my specs or something? I’m sure this isn’t something to do with Christmas!”

    “She has the handwriting of a goodness knows what,” I muttered, and Charlie snatched the tiny label out of my hands, reading exactly what it said.

    Dear trainers,

    This box contains the essential things needed to start your Pokemon adventure. Make sure that you sort the sharing of them out fairly. Please come and see me tomorrow for more information.

    Yours sincerely,
    Professor Juniper

    “Share them out fairly?” wondered Daisy. “What’s that all about?”

    “I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be millions of sweets.” said Charlie smugly, thinking that his little joke had been funny.

    “Ok,” I remarked, giving him a strange look. “I think we’d better open the box before Charlie starts his bad joke chain off again and kills us all.” I put my hands on the smooth lid of the box, as did Charlie and Daisy, and we lifted off the lid together. Inside was the best surprise of our lives so far.

    Inside the box was three pokeballs, little devices that were used for catching Pokemon. They were red on the top half and white on the bottom, with a line going around the middle. And we all knew what there appearance meant.

    “Oh my gosh!” screamed Daisy. “She’s giving us Pokemon!” The three of us leapt around the room, hugging and celebrating. Eventually, when the madness had stopped, we all knelt down next to the pokeballs. Each one had a little label attached to it with a little introduction label by professor Juniper. We all picked up one of the capsules and studied it. It was the closest we’d been to one of the devices.

    “Why don’t we read the little introductions out to each other?” suggested Daisy.

    “Fair do’s,” I commented, preparing to read mine out. To my relief, Juniper must have made someone else write these messages, and I could clearly understand it.

    “Snivy, the grass snake Pokemon,” I began. “Snivy are usually quite proud of themselves and love to win at battles. Despite their tiny legs, they can run quite fast. There solid scales make them tough as well.”

    “Sounds like the perfect one for you Mark,” snorted Charlie. “Well, the proud bit does anyway.”

    “You are so hilarious,” I groaned. “Actually, I do think that Snivy sound pretty cool. There’s a little picture of it here as well. But anyway, Daisy, you can go next.”

    “Right!” she grinned, showing off her beautiful well cleaned teeth. “Tepig, the fire pig Pokemon. Tepig gather in huge herds to play together. They leave their sparkling waste in hidden bushes so that they don’t mess up their homes. They can sustain anything quite easily.”

    “Ok, now it’s my turn!” announced Charlie. “Oshawott, the sea otter Pokemon. Oshawott love their shells, and they carry them on their bellies everywhere they go. Oshawott are very competitive, and they love to fight with each other. If an Oshawott loses it’s shell then it is said that it will be heart broken for the rest of it’s life.”

    “So, is that it?” I asked, and Charlie nodded as we passed around the pictures of the Pokemon. “So, who’s going to pick first?”

    “Well, there is only one way to pick.” Daisy said.

    “Fight!” Charlie yelled for humour, but once again he was given harsh looks. “I really should stop doing that…” he muttered to himself, before composing himself. “We should have a Pokemon quiz!”

    “That’s a great idea!” Daisy enthusiastically encouraged. She had been agreeing with Charlie so much that day that I had started to wonder if she was feeling alright.

    “That does sound good and fair,” I admitted, “but there’s a slight flaw. Who will write the questions?”

    “I will, with my knowledge I should easily be able to think of some tricky questions.”

    “Yes Charlie, but then you’d know the answers to them wouldn’t you, doofus!” Daisy retorted. “I’ll go and ask your mum to quickly write it, Mark. She has a lot of experience.”

    “I’ll go too,” murmured Charlie, following her out of the room and leaving me alone to think about my important decision.

    Which one do I want?

    Authers note: I am actually quite proud of this, I recon it is better than any of my other chapters on Regional Conflict. I shall hopefully continue this soon, and Reviewers, I would like to know which starter you think should go to which person. If you like this, then be sure to check out my other fan fic - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Thank you.
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2011
  2. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Woohoo! Finally getting into the reviewing gear today, it seems. I must admit I've seen you around the forums quite a bit, so I figured I'd take a look at your fic and give it a good review. I'm surprised it doesn't have any yet, especially since it's been posted for so long. Anyways, here goes;

    I already love your story. I've always found it interesting to take canon and twist it in your own way, and you've already done this wonderfully by giving some detail but not too much to overload us with information. I especially liked how you added in the earlier part about "if we'd heard about recent affairs Mark was a part of it, but if we hadn't he won't spoil it for us." Having him also be Blair's son is a great twist on a journeyfic, which I'm going to assume this is.

    This sentence is relatively awkward; instead, why not try something along the lines of "Daisy, Charlie and I, all crowded tightly in a small room, were best friends and were currently regretting the fact we'd decided to have a sleep over." Or something else even smoother than that. The whole "Me, him and Daisy, who was also in the crowded room," is what throws this for a loop- The main thing is that if you're going to say that Daisy is also in the crowded room, you're going to want to separate that from me and Charlie (which should technically be Charlie and I but who really cares that much about grammar lololol.) because if you don't, people will include Daisy when you say "Me, him and Daisy" and then wonder what the heck the "also crowded in the room" part is for. Blah.... Sorry, I did a mini-rant trying to explain something. You can just ignore this. Your story's going well so far. Lol.

    I'd personally suggest scrapping the "So" at the beginning and adding an "it" at the end of the sentence. Makes it sound better (to me, anyways. Maybe I'm just psychotic. Lol).

    So, first you say Charlie wasn't pleased when your character went to inspect his stuff. Then you go into a long detailed description of Charlie. I think everyone's guilty of this, including myself, but think of things this way (and I've used this analogy WAY too much) ; Details are like peas, and us readers are the bratty, cry-baby kids. You're going to have to trick us into not knowing you're feeding us the peas if we're going to grow up big and strong (er... An analogy for continuing to read your story). There are a lot of ways you can subtly string together details without making it such an information dump that becomes very obvious to people passing by. Let's see if I can give an example without screwing up (though, I warn you, it may suck seeing as how I'm only doing it for a few seconds. ;-; )
    Granted, that's still relatively information-dump-y, but it's a teensy bit better in a sense that you aren't just listing things. Remember that you can spread out detail; when you look at, say a peanut M&Ms bag, you don't think, "I can't wait to tear into that rectangular, yellow-colored bag to get to the sweet, assorted-colored chocolate filled with peanuts inside." You're probably going to think something like, "wow, that's yellow." Same with your characters, unless they're mental. It's good to give a decent amount of detail, but giving too much can be fatal. Besides, sometimes readers like to think of a character in their own way and having too much detail makes them dislike the character.

    /Rant. Sorry about that. I keep going off on tangents.
    You can either go two routes here;
    1)“Your room is totally rubbish,” Daisy summed it up perfectly, much better than I could ever do.
    2)" “Your room is totally rubbish.” Daisy summed it up perfectly, much better than I could ever do.
    You sort of combined them to make something else here. When you do the ' "dialogue," blank character said' route, it only works if you also mention the character said it as in "That's totally rubbish," Daisy summed up perfectly. But if you're following that dialogue with an action, the action deserves to be its own sentence as in "That's totally rubbish." Daisy summed it up perfectly.
    lol dirty mind dirty mind dirty mind
    *Tell you what, guys
    Blahhhhhh. I have to warn you now that your fic may fall under some relatively negative stereo-types soon. You already have the three person-group, you already have the main character who's the most attractive, you already have the girl of the group who's really attractive, AND you already have them in a relationship the other character is jealous of. :< Now, depending on how you work things out further along down the road, that may not necessarily be bad and you might be able to salvage it; however, it's going to be a treacherous journey to get out of all those wish-fulfillment-like cliches apparent in so many fan fics.
    *in an
    Two things;
    1)I think what you were going for was "holding out her hand" :)
    2) These two things could become their own sentences. Let's see how it works out.
    Or, y'know, whatever other way of doing that you like. The sentence was already a tad run-on, so that's a perfect way to chop it up and make two great sentences out of one long one.
    Take out that second comma. :3
    The first comma shouldn't be there.
    Your character comes off as kind of cruel and rude. Are you going for that, or did it slip under your radar? D: I have to say, I'm not enjoying him very much at all due to how cruel he's been acting to Charlie, Juniper, and now his mother.
    Since it takes the place of his mother's name, Mum should be capitalized.
    So he'd already told her they were going to sleep there, but he then went over to Charlie's as they tried to find somewhere to sleep? o: Uhhhh.
    *She smiled lovingly. The "s" should be capitalized.
    There should be a comma after sweets rather than a period.

    Your writing style is good, though there are some parts that could use improvement. Just because that spoiler was relatively long don't think that I didn't enjoy your story; it was absolutely great. Daisy seems rather nice and I love the fact Bianca's in it since she's one of my favorite characters. :3 Your main character seems kind of rude and snobby, but people can get past that sort of thing hahah.

    The only thing I really want to warn you about is falling under cliche types of things. I went on about it in the spoiler but it still continues even further on in the story. Your main character's handsome, has the biggest room, both of his parents are are excellent trainers and one is a champion, he constantly puts down his guy friend, has the pretty girlfriend, and is basically "in charge" of his mother (i.e. "having a stern talk with her about not using embarrassing language). Now, I don't really know if you're doing this as a way of taking major Gary-Stu qualities and putting them in a character only to break the character down later on and make him realize what a jerk he is or if you're doing this just because you thought it was cool. I suppose we'll find out later on in your fic, though. :3

    Blah, ranting. Your story is actually quite good so far and I enjoyed reading it quite a bit. Sorry for the long review, but when I see things slightly off in a story that's really good I always want to try my best to help to make sure it reaches its full potential. You're a talented writer and I can't wait to read more by you. ;3 Hahah. If you have a PM list or some type of thing, feel free to add me to it. I can't wait for Chapter Two!
  3. BWfan

    BWfan Well-Known Member

    Hello NinjaScepSneasel! I must thank you for reviewing my thread the other day,I really needed a reviewer now. I'm going to return that favor with a review of mine now. ;bonsly;

    Ok, I loved the introduction, same story as Dawn Hero's. Writing a good sequel is nice to know.

    But now, on to what I've quoted.

    The biggest mistake is probably the fact that this is going from a narrator's point of view. When you're narrating a story,you're narrating it as a past tense, but you seem to be switching between past and present at certain times- mainly descriptions. How long has it been since your journey started? Do you think your friends would have changed at the present time? Can the same description hold true now as well? Would Charlie's choice of clothing be boring even now? These are questions you'll have to think about yourself.

    An advice I'd give is making this some sort of journal. Since you're comfortable writing this in present tense, a journal does not seem that bad. Present tense nterrupts with narration, just remember that.

    As Dawn hero mentioned, you need to write- "Daisy, Charlie and I." That's english bro, I know its a little weird, but that's english. Oh, and you needed to seperate Daisy and I from Charlie, as Dawn Hero said.

    Ah, another description problem here. A better way of writing it is " Compared to him, I think it was safe to say that I was better looking."
    Its these minor little details you'll need to watch out for.

    Also in the first paragraph, there's no need to type in two 'decided's in seperate sentences.. It could go like - "We wanted to have a sleepover, but since we could not decide whose house to go to, we decided to examine everyone's rooms to see whose place was the best to have a sleepover at."

    Also, as Dawn Hero said, going in for an action and then suddenly describing is bad. I think all of us do this, you're not the only one. Well said, Dawn hero! ;)

    Again, descriptive problem. You're describing Daisy in the present tense, bad bad with narration.

    Also, choice my friend wisely? That's the first time I've heard such a sentence formation. I'm not sure if that's the right one, but if so, then that's cool with me. 'Chose' or 'choose' seems more likely to me, must be a typo.

    Ok, I read the rest. Juniper sounded rather sarcastic, something unexpected, but I respect that. You've got a different view of Juniper, don't you.

    The rest, yeah. Basically what Dawn Hero said- Main character's rich, snobby, likes being cool, gets a girlfriend, yeah. Pretty good actually, it was just those first few paragraphs which had a little problem. The starting was as generic as it can be, your story only starts from here,or rather after the starter pokemon are chosen. I'm expecting something nice and different from you.

    Keep up the good work!
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2011
  4. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Woo Two Review! WOOHOO! Ok dokey, detailed responce coming to the two reviewers here who kindly took time to find my story :)

    So, firstly, Dawn Hero - I've seen you around a bit too, I think I may have read your first chapter of "Within my own nightmares", And I can't remember really what happened, but i remember that it was amazing, and that it kind of inspired me to do something in Regional Conflict. You're not being picky with the grammer - I know my grammer and spelling are atroucious, and It's good to have someone who can correct it.

    Long review = good! Thank you for taking time to read and review. Especially liking the talented writer bit. I wasn;t going to do a PM list, but i might as well now :) ta

    Oh, and a bit of explaination -
    He told her that they were going to sleep at one of their houses.

    And, BWfan -
    Thank you for reviewing :) The present tense thing is because of the narrator describing them when he is telling us the story from now. It may be a bit confusing, sorry :p I agree with all your comments, and I like the bonsly too.

    Anyway, thank you guys, I'll find time to edit through soon :)
  5. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Righty then, sorry for the long wait, I've been writing the other fan fic, ill and away, so this was very delayed. Here is chapter 2, where an earth shattering secret is revealed!

    Chapter 2: The Gift

    I had always admired Snivy, ever since the start of my life. My father had chosen Oshawott and my Mother had chosen Tepig. I had read about them in many books. Their green, slender bodies and wide eyes had always stood out to me, and the leaf on it’s tail gave it an impressive look. But I had known that it would be hard to beat Charlie, and I would have to fight for my Snivy.

    That night was a very special night. Not only did we get our first Pokemon, but I found out something very special about myself, a life changing secret that I never guessed I would have…

    The imported Pikachu head alarm clock ticked loudly, the only noise in my surprisingly silent room. The three of us were lying on the floor, hard in thought on our test papers that my mum had kindly written. Well, I say kindly, but I was very embarrassed that my mum knew so much about Pokemon. It seemed like she was a secret Pokenerd.

    Secretly I hadn’t started answering my quiz yet. I could see that Charlie and Daisy were deep in thought, and I pitied them both. They were some of the nicest people I knew, and I could be harsh with them sometimes. Especially Charlie.

    I turned back to my paper, and read the questions through my mind.

    Welcome to the super Pokemon quiz of Biancaness. Hope you get the ones you want. Bianca

    I groaned, wishing that my mum wouldn’t be so childish.

    Question 1 - Who is the gym leader of Opelucid city?

    Question 2 - Which young brief champion was a member of Team Plasma?

    Question 3 - Who is the champion of the Pokemon league?

    The quiz continued on, and I realised that they were all to do with events that my mum had experienced. It would be an easy win for me. I grinned, and quickly set to work on the ten questions which would earn me the Pokemon I wanted.


    Soon we had all finished, and my mum had came up and taken all papers from us, quickly getting to work on marking them. We all sat silently, eagerly awaiting the truth of the matter. Finally, my mum put down the paper and gave us all a wink.

    “Well, I have the result kids!” Bianca smiled, handing our papers back. I stared at my result - a large eight out of ten. I realised that, stupidly, I hadn’t known which region Pikachu originally came from, and where Munna came from. I knew it was a decent score, but I reasoned that Charlie would probably get higher.

    “So guys,” sighed Daisy, looking around the room as my mum left. “What did we all get?”

    “I,” Charlie proudly announced, “have got a fair score of eight.”

    “So have I! Looks who’s the group genius now!” I beamed, jokingly sticking my tongue out at Charlie.

    “I hate to stop your little argument,” said Daisy, “but I got nine!” She smiled pinning us both down with a stare of victory.

    “That’s impossible!” spluttered Charlie, snatching her quiz only to find out that she had been telling the truth. “I don’t believe it! Where have you been hiding those brain cells all these years?”

    “I don’t know. Well done anyway guys.” Daisy gave a us both a caring look, and I admired her kind personality and amazing looks. I definitely deserved her more than Charlie.

    “Como on then, choose the Pokemon!” I urged, hoping that she wouldn’t choose my precious Snivy. She plodded over to the box, and without a second thought she had taken a Pokeball and pressed the centre button to release the creature inside.

    A flash of light filled the room, and I s******ed to myself at the thought of what would happen to an epileptic trainer. Standing in the middle of the room was a jolly looking Oshawott.

    It opened it’s mouth to cry out, but I heard another voice instead of the cry. It was a high pitched one, so I presumed that Daisy had screamed yeah or something. I certainly wouldn’t have been so excited if I had been stuck with a flat footed, snowman headed otter. I failed to see how anyone could be excited about a blue thing with a weird shell on it’s front and a massive nose.

    “So, what do you think?” Daisy beamed.

    “Well, it’s certainly an interesting choice.” I remarked.

    “What do you mean?” she asked, noticing my tone of voice.

    “Well, I’m surprised that you chose a demented snowman that obviously body slammed onto some poor shelled animal after falling in a pot of glue.”

    <What cheek!> came the high pitched voice again as Oshawott opened it’s mouth. Daisy obviously wasn’t keen for it to talk. Giving me the evils, she lifted up Oshawott and put it on her head, where it some how managed to stay balanced on it’s flat feet.

    “So then, who’s choosing next boys?”

    “I will!” I exclaimed.

    “That’s hardly fair!” moaned Charlie, trying to pull me back.

    “Life’s unfair. Get over it.” I wasn’t going to let a whiney bookworm deny me the moment I had waited for for years. I knew which one I wanted, and let my Snivy free to hold the room at it’s glory.

    <How super. I’m free at last.> came an odd voice as my Snivy opened it’s mouth, puzzling me. The voice sounded posh, and unlike anyone else in the rooms. I reckoned it had been in my head - I hadn’t slept very well the night before.

    “YES!” yelled Charlie, snatching up the last Pokeball and releasing Tepig. The little orange pig was orange in colour, apart from the area around it’s backside, which was black. It looked manic and over excited, and it bounced room the room, it’s little curl tail knocking into things. “I wanted Tepig from the start.” Charlie explained.

    “Why?” I wondered. “Why would you want a pig with a nappy?”

    “Tepig is blatantly the strongest starter here. It learns better TMs, it’s cooler and it’s fire type, which unlike grass and water types isn’t very common.”

    “Right. And I’m guessing that’s bookworm language for “I want to be a farmer”.”

    “Shut up,” Charlie lamely replied, the worst comeback in history. “I bet I can beat your little snake in a battle any day.”

    “Bring it mate!” I replied, eager to show that knowledge isn’t all that’s needed for a battle.

    <I agree with you, fine fellow. This jumpy young scoundrel doesn’t stand a chance against someone of my superiority!> came the voice again, and the words seemed to match with Snivy’s lip movements.

    “Uh, guys? Did you here anything weird?”

    “What like?” asked Daisy.

    “Like a posh voice.”

    “Markus has got voices in his head! He has the great plague. And he‘s scared that I‘m going to beat him, so he‘s making excuses to not battle me.” Charlie s******ed.

    “Oh shut up.” I stood on my bed, looking over the whole room to see exactly what was happening. “Alright Snivy! Use wring out!” I grinned, as having seen the powerful attack used many times before I knew it would decimate the feeble Tepig.
    <Eh?> came the voice, once again in unison to Snivy’s mouth movements.

    “Silly boy,” laughed Charlie. “These are only weak pokemon, they won’t know those kind of moves!”

    <I agree, old chap!> said the posh voice, and I was now sure that it was Snivy.

    “Well, what do you know then?”

    “My dear delusional child, it can’t talk to you. Pokemon can only talk in babies programs, which you obviously watch a bit too often.”

    <Well, I could use a tackle attack on the little blighter,> Snivy explained, and I gave Charlie a nasty grin, knowing just how wrong he was. <Or maybe I could give him a little scary stare of leer, should scare the jumpy youngster.>

    <No! No scarey scare!> wailed another voice, which I identified as Tepig. Charlie had obviously got his facts wrong.”

    “Right then! Snivy, attack with leer!”

    <Good choice!> saluted Snivy, squinting it’s eyes hard at Tepig, who put on a face of pure horror as a green flash occurred.

    “If you want to play tactical, then eat this! Tepig, use Tackle!” Tepig bounced around the room, heading straight for Snivy.

    “Whack him back with a tackle now!” I yelled, and realised that my Snivy had real style. The snake swang its leafy tail around just as Tepig ran in, hitting the pig into the wall in a similar style to a baseball hit. The lights knocked around a bit with the impact, but I wasn’t bothered at the time. It was my moment of victory and style.

    “How dare you hurt my Tepig!” cried Charlie. “Smack him one, Tepig! Tackle him until he’s down.”

    “Do the same - show you’re stronger than that little piglet!”

    <Righty ho. Shouldn’t take long, the chap lacks my experience.> Snivy yawned, almost as if the prospect of battling the other starter bored him. The two rushed into each other, and a fierce brawl began, the two of them tumbling around the room. I could clearly here cries of protest and annoyance from the both of them, and cheer leading comments from Oshawott.

    “You know he’s going to win.” I taunted Charlie.

    “I don’t actually,” he remarked. “My Tepig should have higher attack power than your Snivy. But your Snivy has very high defence stats. And I guess I did take that defence lowering before. Hmm.” Charlie figured out all of his weird little facts, and I think he meant that I was going to win.

    He predicted right - Snivy stood on top of Tepig, proudly glancing around the room like an honoured soldier. I was very surprised to find that there was no blood anywhere in the room. I knew Pokemon were different to us, but I didn’t know they didn’t get blood wounds. It really intrigued me, but I figured I could ask the professor about it in the morning.

    “Well done!” grinned Daisy, jumping around the room, with Oshawott copying her. Snivy flung itself into the air, flipping itself in front of me to bow.

    <Proud to be of service, sah!> he stated, and I gave him a massive crushing hug.

    “Course you’re proud. You won!” I beamed.

    “Ok, well done doctor Doolittle,” Charlie said, giving me a weird look. “Either you have mental issues or you actually can speak to Pokemon. I’m getting supper.” Charlie gave us both one last look, and then, picking up Tepig and spraying him with some kind of medicine, he left the room.

    “Can you actually talk to them?” Daisy asked, approaching me. I looked nervously around the room. Snivy was flirting with Oshawott below us, and I could clearly hear their every word. But I was very unsure of what people would think of me if they knew I had this ability, which obviously they didn’t.

    “No, I’m just making up comedy answers.” I lied, making up my mind.

    “You will be famous one day.” Daisy whispered softly, kissing me gently on the cheek, and for a split second it felt like I was on another planet, floating away with her. Then I returned to reality to see her follow after Charlie.

    I looked again to Snivy and Oshawott, decided not to tell anyone about my power, and started getting out the sleeping bags.
  6. Manaphyman

    Manaphyman Up all night

    Hey! I figured I would review this fic instead. I'm a sucker for journey fics, and its easier to review something that just started, so here you go!

    Chapter 1:

    Red Flag #1- Sleepover with both sexes? As teenagers? My family/town is very liberal, and thats not something that would have been condoned...wouldn't parents veto it? Just a nitpick.

    As cliche as it is, (and it is cliche) I really enjoyed the intro. I am a bit frightened that Mark is going to become a Gary-Stu, given who is father is and his egotistical nature, so please be careful of that. If you need help humanizing him, pm me.

    So we're doing this in first person? Again, all up to you, but third person lends itself to better description, and prevents a stu from developing, in my opinion. It also allows an unbiased eye to look at the situation, and also others to think. I would consider rewriting this in the third person, lest you overdevelop one character and under develop others. For an author just starting out, its probably a good idea.

    Again, for just starting out the description isnt too bad. Try to spread it out, describing things as you go, through dialogue, ect. Try to mention temperature, smells, feeling, to create an imagery. You could play on nostalgia- what does it feel like for someone about to start their Pokemon journey? This boy has a lot to live up to, given who his father was. That could be a good plot point. With any journey fic, you really have to be multi dimensional.

    Not saying you did this, but don't simply regurgitate the game with just your own characters.

    Overall, not a bad start. I agree with Dawn Hero in that I like your writing style, but you are falling into many overused cliches/ Not to say that doesn't happen to many writing journey fics, but still. Work on your description, shake up the plot, develop your characters, ect. Try to avoid characters explaining their origins or a big plot point...allow the reader to figure it out.

    Most of these comments can be applied to the second chapter as well. Both were rather short, but length will increase as your writing matures. I am worried about Mark, given that he now has his ideal Pokemon (Snivy) and the girl. Watch out for gary-stu-ness and "chosen one syndrome."

    Keep me posted. I'm here for advice if you need me.
  7. GastlyMan

    GastlyMan Ghost Type Trainer

    Great job with this story so far, NinjaScepSneasel. :D You're a pretty good writer, although you do have some spelling/grammatical errors.

    I'll admit my empathy goes out to Charlie. Aside from physical appearance, he seems a lot like me. Mark, at least to me, doesn't seem like a very likeable character for a protagonist.
    Ah, Mark wouldn't like me then! XD
    I hate it when people do that sort of thing. >=( Poor Charlie, haha. Maybe it's just me, though.

    *In an annoyed tone
    *Effect is a noun. Affect is a verb.
    "Its" shouldn't have an apostrophe. Only use one if you're making a contraction for "it is."
    Same issue.

    Mark's power is awesome. I'd love to be able to talk to Pokemon. :D Anyway, keep up the good work. I love journeyfics, and this one is no exception! Just make sure to give Mark a few more redeeming qualities, and you're set.
  8. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Sorry that I haven't updated in ages guys, I've been not in a writing mood. I shall try to get the next chapter of this done soon, so I'm very sorry for the wait. Anyway, reviewing my awesome reviewers-

    ManaphyMan - Woo! You started to read. Thank you very much. I agree with all your comments, and don't worry, It's going to be very differnt from the games as It's set past their events. Also, other events are going to happen which will change some of these stereotypes.

    Gastlyman - Thanks for the review. And thanks for the comments on my writing, It's awesome that people like you guys enjoy it so much. I'll try to find time to fix my mistakes!

    In the mean time, after my stupid break, I'm going straight back to vigorous writing :) Thanks guys.
  9. Tepig 5000

    Tepig 5000 Darkness Filled Me

    Ok i saw this and i was really looking foward to the story and u didn't let me down really good chapters so far the others have pretty much done everything i can see plz keep up the good work and yes i am gouing to begin reading your other story
  10. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Thanks Tepig! Please read the reviewing rules though. But yeah, thanks for the support. And the next chapter may be up tommorow if your lucky :)
  11. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    And now, the third chapter! If you've read my other fan fic then you will see a bit of a cameo for a few chapters here. Enjoy :)

    Chapter 3: The Nutty Professor

    Of course I was interested in my power. I mean, I’d always thought I was special, but now I seemed to have a unique ability that even a brain box like Charlie couldn’t comprehend. Naturally, I thought that it was amazing, and that I deserved it. What a cocky big-headed twerp I was.

    The sleepover went well. We stayed up for ages talking and telling each other secrets, much to Charlie’s annoyance. I got to know the Pokemon better too. But although the night was good, my mind was only on what the day would bring - the proper beginning to my adventure!

    “What are you doing?” Charlie asked, tapping his foot impatiently on the side of my sleeping bag.

    “None of your business!” I snapped, wishing that my commoner friends would leave my stuff alone. The time was only eight o’clock, but Charlie had already got changed into his normal clothes - a common jeans and hoody combo. I think he was trying to be cool. Daisy was up too, and she had been for ages. She had been a bit uncomfortable about sleeping with us both, but I assured her that we would be doing things like that all the time on our journey, and she seemed a bit calmer at that. To my surprise, she too had rushed to get up, and she had already left to go and pack her things for her journey.

    “Today is a special day.” she had explained to me before she left. I couldn’t see why - the sun would rise and fall like any other day.

    “Whatever,” Charlie sighed, not bothering to try and question me anymore. “I’ll be off too. Thanks for the fun time.” Charlie saluted me for some reason, bent down, and left the room chuckling. What a strange boy.

    I looked around the room I had spent most of my time in for most of my life, and I was surprised to find my eyes welling up with tears. I would be leaving it all behind, in one quick hour. I desperately tried to stop them, but to my embarrassment the bodily water poured from my eyes like a beautiful fountain.

    <Stop blubbering, old chap!> Snivy snorted - he had somehow got out of his pokeball. <You don’t want to cry at a time like this do you?> I nodded, thinking that I was a bit of a freak to be talking to a walking snake.

    <This is the time for you to show your full potential!> Snivy exclaimed like a mighty political figure. <This is the time to show the world that you, Mark of the humans, are ready to prove your worth and your skills! This is your finest hour!>

    “Have you ever thought of becoming Pokemon president?” I managed to chuckle as I wiped away my tears.

    <Many times lad, many times indeed.> Snivy smiled. <Now, you need to prepare yourself! Bring whatever you need, your destiny awaits!>

    I smiled, thinking Snivy’s speech inspirational in it’s own funny little way. Stopping the tears, I stood up and started to pack my bags.

    “I bet you knew this was going to happen for ages, Mum.”

    “Of course dear. I arranged it myself.” Bianca smiled, handing me some of my clothes, a brand new Poke’tch and some lunch. She had obviously been preparing for days.

    “Thank you so much.” I said, close to tears again. “You’ve always been there for me, and I don’t know how I’m going to cope without you by my side…” I broke down again, and Bianca embraced me with one of her magically comforting hugs.

    “I’m going to miss you so much,” she said sadly. “But I know you’ll shine. I know that you’ll do your best, and maybe even overthrow your father as champion. Do it for us Roberts!”

    “Thank you so much mum.” I cried, not caring about her caring tones this time. Somewhere deep inside me wanted me to just throw down the bag and stay, but I quickly threw it out.

    <Anytime before next Christmas would be nice…> Snivy yawned from beside me.

    “Come on honey, you’d better go.” Bianca sighed, letting me go. “Your friends will be waiting!” I gave her one last, long stare, and then started to head off. My journey would unfold.

    “The sleepover went well. We stayed up for ages talking and telling each other secrets, much to Charlie’s annoyance. I got to know the Pokemon better too,” Charlie read. “What does he think he’s doing? Writing events so that he can recall them when he gets famous? He won’t, the cocky boy! Do you honestly love him?”

    Daisy shifted nervously. Charlie had stolen my journal, the one that I would do exactly as he suggested with. The two of them were stood outside Professor Juniper’s lab, all kitted up. I could see them in the distance as I approached with Snivy, and I could barely hear their conversation.

    “I’ll ask you again, why do you love him?” Charlie retorted, making progress. Once again Daisy blanked him. “Exactly, I think you should stop your little game. It’d…”

    “What little game?” I asked, reaching them as Snivy addressed the other two younger Pokemon as lower ranks.

    “Oh, er… Scrabble?” Charlie nervously replied.

    “You lie,” I stated, giving him the evils. I knew he was up to something, and I proved myself correct when I saw my precious journal in his hands. “Hey! My Journal!”

    “More like your book of self praise…” Charlie commented.

    “Oh shut up will you?” I spat, fed up of him. “You not exactly perfect either!”

    “Will you two be quiet, please?” We both turned, and saw that Daisy had been the one to cry out. “This is meant to be a happy, exciting time for us all, and I don’t want it ruined by your bickering.”

    “Sorry, oh mighty Queen Daisy.” Charlie grumbled, in an unnaturally bad mood. “I guess I’ll leave you two to kiss and make each other better while I go and try and find another exit. I’ve rang the doorbell several flipping times, but the old goat doesn’t want to let us in.” Charlie stepped up to me with a glare of what looked like pure disgust, and then turned on his heals and went around the lab. Me and Daisy looked at each other awkwardly.

    “Well, he’s happy.” I murmured to break the silence.

    “Yeah.” Daisy sighed. She too seemed unhappy. I don’t think she’d liked our argument very much. But it’s not my fault if the bookworm wanted to be a twerp and steal my private belongings.

    <This is all very nice you chaps standing around here waiting for nothing to happen, but aren’t you meant to be doing something here?>

    “Yeah Snivy.”

    “Uh… Mark?” Daisy said, giving me one of her rare strange looks. “Did you just understand Snivy?”

    “Uh… yeah!” I agreed proudly. “It’s a special power I have. I think it’s really awesome!”

    “How long have you known about it?”

    “Since I was a baby.” I lied, and to my pleasure she looked impressed.

    “Wow Mark. That’s really cool! I never knew you could…”

    “Boo!!!” came a loud screech, making us both jump. I turned and saw that Professor Juniper was chuckling behind us, having crept up on us. Charlie was stood behind her, s******ing away as well.

    “Ha…ha…ha.” I said, in monotone. “You guys are hilarious. I suppose it was your idea, bookworm.”

    “Quite the contrary, Roberts.” Juniper laughed. “It was completely my idea. I’m getting old now, and one can only amuse themselves with such practical jokes.”

    “Couldn’t you just hire a comedian…” I grumbled.

    “Haha!!” Juniper laughed again. “Although I’d love to hang around out here just joking with you, I think you’d better come in so that I can explain things to you.”


    “This way!” she grinned, leading us inside.

    The “lab” was very much as I had expected it to be - a lot of corridors with a few technological rooms coming off and a set off stairs leading to their actual home. The walls were a plain white, presumably so that she could focus on her work. Although I found it difficult to believe that she could focus on anything other than her little jokes with her crazy personality.

    “This way kids.” Juniper called, treating us like we were much younger than we were. After what seemed like ages of endless corridors we finally arrived at a large silver door, with a large sensor pad and what looked like a doorbell.

    “Shall I put my hand on this sensor or something?” I asked.

    “Oh no. You activate it with that little switch. Charlie, be a dear and push it for us will you?”

    Charlie, being the polite little nobody he was, gullibly pressed the obvious electric doorbell, and received a mini electric shock, to the great amusement of the professor, who then took to rolling around on the floor in hysterics. Well, it was her home I guess.

    “Gets them every time!” she snorted.

    “Mum, stop embarrassing yourself. These people are Pokemon trainers to be, not practical joke testers.”

    Turning around, I saw that the new voice had come from a girl around about our age. She was looking rather annoyed at her mother, and shared the same colour eyes and hair as Juniper. I think the professor was equally as embarrassed at the new girl still being in her pyjamas as the girl was with the jokes.

    “Ah Beri. Make yourself useful and go and get changed sweetie? These people are my clients…”

    “You know they're not Mum, they’re just young people like me. And yet, unlike them, you won’t let me be a trainer…”

    “That’s not true! I gave you my Oshawott, my prized Oshawott, which was…”

    “Mum, you brought it off of one of your ex-clients.” Beri yelled, getting very annoyed. Then the two of them started having a full on family row. But I didn’t remember any of it. I was more focused on her face - it was nearly as beautiful as Daisy’s. In the end, Beri budged past us and headed in the direction of another room, leaving Juniper to angrily active the door.

    The laboratory in side was, as you would expect a crazy person’s workspace to be, a complete mess. Books and papers were flung here and there across the floor. There were many dull shelves on the side, each with a different assortment of data, machinery and equipment. In the centre of the room was a large table, and a few comfy chairs.

    “Sorry about the mess…” Juniper muttered, although I could tell her thoughts were still focused on her daughter. “Well, this is my lab! Like it?”

    “It’s a bit messy…” Charlie stated the obvious, and I could hear the Pokemon behind us sharing their opinions too. I decided that Juniper’s speech might be important, and so I blotted them out for a while. Juniper reached into a hidden drawer in the table and pulled out three red devices (after her first try ending in her finger being trapped in a mousetrap she had set for a joke).

    “I’d like you to have these, I’m sure they’ll help you.” She pushed the objects across the table to the three of us, and we stared in awe at them.

    “These are Pokedexes, right?”

    “Of course. The newest types.”

    “Awesome!” I exclaimed, pushing a button on the side of mine. I flipped it out, and saw that it had several buttons like a keyboard on the bottom, and an information screen on the top.


    “Pleasure?” I wondered. “That sounds too happy for a machine.”


    “Yes. Ok.” I said, quickly shutting the machine again. “Don’t you need us to collect data on Pokemon for you?”

    “Nah, your father already satisfied all my needs with that darling.” Juniper grinned. She let out a somewhat mad cackle, and jumped around the room.

    <She’s lost it, man> Tepig tutted, although he was bouncing around as well.

    “Now, Beri dear, take these young trainers out onto route 1 and show them how to catch Pokemon will you?” Beri had obviously been outside the room, and entered grumpily. She glared long and hard at Juniper, knowing that she had to do as her mother commanded, and then stormed off upstairs to get changed.

    “Say, is that a slave or your daughter?” I smirked, and through her madness Juniper didn’t even realise it was an insult.

    “Very good Mark. Just like your father. Now, would you two care to wait here whilst Beri prepares herself?”

    The three of us sighed in unison, obviously wanting to set off, and slumped down on the chairs, waiting impatiently.

    Luckily for us, Beri got ready quickly, and soon hurried Charlie and Daisy outside. But I hung around a bit, wanting to ask the professor my questions. She may have been a bit loopy, but she was still intelligent.

    “Professor Juniper,” I stuttered, “why don’t Pokemon bleed?

    “Oh, they do my child,” she laughed. “They just have very protected bodies. A Pokemon can die in battle, so you must be very careful.”

    <You’d better old bean - I’m jolly well too young to die!> Snivy muttered, and I laughed, congratulating him self-consciously. I turned back to Juniper, and saw her face creased in excited shock.

    “You can understand Pokemon, can’t you?”

    “How did you guess? Can you too?”

    “Of course not!” But you… you are a very extraordinary specimen. I could do with studying you instead of all these Pokemon!”

    “Er, no thanks mate.” I groaned, not too keen on the idea of having hundreds of wires attached to me. She would probably have killed me by accident anyway.

    “Oh. That’s a disappointment.” Juniper sighed, and then walked right over to me. “You have a very special gift, Mark. I would cherish it and use it to the best of your abilities. Do not misuse it.” I nodded in agreement, although I knew that I would get this kind of praise all along. “Now go along, your journey awaits!”

    I dreamed of what lied ahead, and then rushed off after the others.

    Note: There will be a break of a fe weeks before the next chapter as I will be on Holiday. Sorry!
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2011
  12. MacKareLosity

    MacKareLosity Critic



    Thought I should critique this work. All points made are based on my opinions which you are free to ignore if you disagree with them.

    Careful not to overuse 'that', it can slow the pacing of your story.

    No but's, you already have 'although'.

    This sounds a bit redundant. When someone snaps 'none of your business', readers can already guess the protagonist wants Charlie to leave him alone. In doesn't quite add up when the protagonist suddenly wishes Charlie would leave his stuff alone, especially if Charlie didn't even touch his stuff (sleeping bag probably, but that was to stir his attention).

    But's at the start of each sentence are usually very weak. I would consider using it rarely in the story. Also, a fullstop should replace the comma.

    Tense confusion. The protagonist says he is 'about' to go for ages, hence it hasn't occurred yet or occurring now. It should be future tense, 'I bet you knew I will be gone for ages,'

    No matter how long a dialogue is, it always ends in a comma before a tag (the only exception is using exclamation marks for extreme emotions or question marks for questions).

    He just did though...

    This does not follow the protagonist's perspective. Because you are writing in first person, you story should immediately be based on what your protagonist can see, not what 'God' can see. I suggest you start immediately with the protagonist finding the two outside Juniper's lab and have the protagonist listen to their conversation. Also, the protagonist shouldn't be able to know Charlie had still his journal until he sees it, otherwise it will make the story sound like a historical account. Historical accounts takes away the things that hooks readers into the story, as it can just foreshadow what is about to happen (i.e. ruin the surprise for readers).

    then I realised. using 'and' in this case indicates simultaneous events. Here, without the correction, it sounded as though the protagonist gave him the evil stare and saw his journal, then says 'you lie...'. It will make much more sense if he talks about the journal first, but 'giving him the evils' will immediately reduce the pace afterwards.

    Because the protagonist is 'fed up', his dialogue should become more tense and sharp. Here, this dialogue is too passive for the protagonist's aggression. Consider "Shut up!"

    too should be two. Also, you repeated please in the same sentence. Remove one of them of your choice.

    It's obvious Charlie is in the bad mood, evident in his sarcastic dialogue. This phrase is redundant.

    kissing, making

    the dialogue is bogged down due to the repeated to in the same phrase. You can make one of three corrections here. Remove seem to or to let, or both.


    The quotes in this segment are slightly worse than the quotes of the previous segment. The fullstop should be replaced by a comma if the dialogue follows a tag. Also, what seems to be off is how calm the protagonist feels straight after being 'fed up' with Charlie. This is too unnatural, especially if he's referring back to Charlie. He would most likely NOT talk about Charlie at all.

    Redundant. Readers already know this when she stopped their quarrel. This will also have a negative impact on the reader's view on your protagonist. Because this phrase is mentioned, readers will criticise the protagonist as very ignorant.

    Tense confusion. You keep alternating from past to present. I presume your story is in past tense, so wants should be wanted.

    I remembered somewhere earlier that the protagonist can 'hear' what Pokemon is saying, but others interpret their words as their calls. In this case, Daisy must have very strong telekinetic powers because she solved Mark's mystery with one of the very bad clues. Snivy probably sounds like 'Snivy, Snivy-Sni?' And Mark says 'Yes Snivy'. How did Daisy know he's not pretending to understand Snivy?

    Careful here. So far, the protagonist is acting like an anti-hero and if his attitude continues to fall, it will make him unlikeable to the readers. Also, how did the protagonist figured out it was 'obviously' an electric doorbell? Readers wouldn't want to read about a person who is a 'know-it-all' as it is like reading about how successful a person is and he never loses etc.

    A 'client' is someone using the service of another person or company. I am not sure why the daughter is opposing her mother and that the protagonist is not her client. This needs ellaboration. If you decided to keep this phrase, be sure to replace 'their' with 'they're'.

    And this immediately contradicts Beri's claim that the protagonist is not Juniper's client. Also, replace the fullstop with comma because it follows a tag.

    So Juniper assumed someone will dig their hands in her hidden drawer? This is amusing but it needs to make sense as to why she put it there.

    I would have the protagonist being very careful. Since he understood Juniper's prankish behaviour, wouldn't he question whether the pokedex is another prank if he pushes the button? Simply saying 'he knows its not a prank' is not good enough a reason for readers.

    Should be CHEERS with an 'S'.

    Isn't that what a Pokedex is designed for? The only logical time the protagonist will ask this sort of question is BEFORE he gets the pokedex.



    The chapter is looking good so far. I can see the protagonist is starting to recover from the 'Gary Stu Syndrome' in the previous chapter, but he still retains his arrogant personality. This is good for one of the downsides of the protagonist, but becareful not to let this overrule his good-side, otherwise you will have an anti-hero or worse. I see there is a few actions and humours spread out, congratulations on that!

    The question that remains is how natural your characters are. Remember, they are still like humans and should act akin to humans. There is a few personality issues I found in this chapter, but I hope they can be fixed easily. Also you have to watch out on your protagonist's attitude.

    A few minor problems are indicated in the critique, but it is still a great chapter.

    Hope this helps!
  13. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Thanks for the review, I'm greatful for all the advice. As you said at the top, I am ignoring a few pieces of adivice or help, and here's the reasons why -

    I don't understand this one, Charlie is talking about him being famous. And while he may be nowadays, he is not at the time of the story. That's his parents.

    I thought this might be critisized. Mark knows because someone will tell him later. So as the narrator he has chosen to put in what he gets told later there. I personaly thought it would fit better there than later, so thats why. Sorry for the confusion.

    People say "Oh shut up will you?" all the timewhen they are annoyed, and I think he would only do it really sharp if he was really angry.

    Not really, it shows that Charlie isn't always annoyed, as he has seemed to be so far.

    Again, people say what I put these days. I think kissing and making doesn't sound right.

    Good point actually! But I think that she'd noticed him talking to seemingly no-one, and smiling at Pokemon's comments and seeming to understand them. It's hard not to react when someone says something funny, right? And Snivy makes a lot of funny little comments.

    No, she never said that other people were her clients! This is refering to completely different people.

    I see where your comming from. Remember that these are just the first chapters of what will be a very long story. I am purposely making him unlikable at the moment. But he will learn how bad he is along his journey. Things may seem to be going all his way at the moment, but I still have millions of chapters to go yet. Trust me, Mark is going to be very upset at something that will happen too him soon. And the doorbell, why would there be a doorbell on a wall of a lab? And you see a lot of doorbells around, so you would know if you were thinking what was one and what wasn't.

    Anyway, some challenging and valid points here. Thanks for the advice :)
  14. MacKareLosity

    MacKareLosity Critic

    Your welcome!

    Also, I don't know if this is pointed out but I'll just put it out there just in case.

    In the explanation for my second critique, I respect what Mark is trying to do but be careful. Because readers knew what is going to happen, they won't feel any hook or surprise if Mark sees the journal in Charlie's hands (Mark told readers about it). Spoiling the surprise can reduce the impact of the argument to the readers, hence you may expect a yawn from the readers. You may still disagree with this, but the point is to avoid too much foreshadowing.

    Explanation of the third critique. 'Fed up' does mean annoyed at some point. If so, I thought maybe you can shorten the sentence. The longer the sentence in a dialogue, the more passive it becomes. I thought of 'Can you shut up?' But its entirely up to you.

    Explanation to fourth critique. Perhaps I have overlooked that Daisy is mostly near Mark when he's talking to Snivy.

    Last explanation. You still need to be careful. I will consider adding a few good things about him. You will run the risk that readers putting your book down due to them being 'put-off' by the protagonist's behaviour, but in the same time, it may not occur just yet.

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