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Unova: Last Hope

Dragon trainer

Arise from the Ashes

A pokémon centre, dust covered a light sprinkle once a busy bustling now only silence fell over. Chairs scrawled everywhere, broken windows and raindrops of glasses and the mist outside hung low on the air. Flickering of lights and the chill in the air made the area seem more alive. Footsteps suddenly broke the silence and the soft crunching on the ground as a small young woman crept around.

Soft groans and moans could be heard echoed from far away.

Static broke “H H Hello” A soft voice echoed.

“C Can anyone hear me?” It continued again

“Hello, yes who are you and can you hear me?” The young woman hid and spoke into the microphone.

“I’m in Huin, where are you, I’m in the pokémon Centre” She spoke into the microphone.

“W W We are in” Static

“Where are you?” She hurried down the phone, a tear rolled down her face

“Sazanami” The voice echoed down

“I’m coming to you, I can fly over there in 2 hours” The young woman smiled a rush of relief flew and echoed in her voice. Happiness, thankfulness.

A loud roar echoed down the microphone, a spine tingled and uncertainty rushed down, the echo silence broke the room and the line went dead. Static again and then silence fell until it was broken by the soft sound of tears and crying.


What? Exactly
This is a little short, even for a prologue. Adding in some extra description to elaborate on what's going on would be greatly beneficial. The Pokemon Center setting is the only thing with any significant description, and even that I think could be lengthened a bit.

You don't describe what the young woman looks like at all, other than saying she's "small," so elaborating on that would be greatly appreciated.

A couple other things then. I think you meant "sprawled" when you said "scrawled", and describing the woman as "small" is a little counter-intuitive. I personally think "petite" would be a better word.

Other than that, there are a few places with some grammatical problems that just don't sound right when you read them. Have you considered getting a Beta Reader to help you with it? I think having one, basically a more experienced writer to look over your fic, talk about it with you, and help proofread the chapters with you, would be greatly beneficial.

You can apply for one at the Beta House thread in the Author's Cafe, or hell, if you want, I could do it.