Unsung Hero

[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

Ya, I know I posted this before, but I deleted it, read the rules, and now understand.

This is the first chapter of my debut Serebii novel!

Unsung Hero

Chapter 1- A Destiny Begins

It had been twenty years ago that I was an eager little five year old who adored Red Ketchum. I remember the day he left on his journey, and how much I wanted to do the same someday. Eventually I did, but those five years were the longest of my life. Me (Alex) and my best friend Wallace, always pretended we were Pokemon. I was sprawled on all fours, just like a Meowth. He was jumping around, just like a Spearow. I remember the warm summer day, with the sound of the water trickling its way down the river. I, suddenly, was attacked by some wild Pokemon. To this day I still do not remember what Pokemon attacked me, but I remember what saved me. A Zangoose, who to this day is still my companion. The young Pokemon clawed the attacker, and won. Me and Wally chased the Zangoose. It kept running. Finally as the Sun went down, we decided to continue our journey the next day.

Me and Wally went into the forest, this time with bait. We spotted the Zangoose many times, but never caught it. We left food for it, and at sunset, as we left the forest, I heard the nibble of a hungry Pokemon.

On the third day, me and Zangoose became friends. Wally was sick, so I went alone. I checked footprints, and looked for other signs of a Zangoose. I went to the river late that morning, and saw Zangoose munching on what I had left him the day before. He jumped up and started to run away. He climbed into a tree. I took out a Snickers and held it up to him. Reluctantly, he climbed down from his perch. He snatched the candy bar from my grasp, and snarfed it. He lay down, and I softly petted his furry head. I told him everything about me. Zangoose would grunt, or nod his head in approval of something. It was getting late into the afternoon, and I knew I needed to go. I stood and started walking. He ran up beside me, and followed me home.

Five years came and went. Red would visit home, and praise me with my Pokemon skills. I beamed everytime he said, “You’re improving, Alex.” Eventually he became famous. He would visit home less and less. I’ll never forget the last day I saw him walk out of Pallet, after telling me we would battle someday.

Me and Zangoose added 5 more companions. A Heracross, a Donphan, a Breloom, Skarmory, and a Crawdaunt. I spent endless hours, befriending every Pokemon I could, and steadily training my beloved friends. My tenth birthday arrived, and my was to soon begin.

I remember the day that me and Wally left home. We were both kinda teary eyed. We vowed that we were to battle someday, and we’d always remain best friends. We did our little handshake and parted ways.


Chapter 2 Coming Soon

 

[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

Chapter 2- Pallet Festival

15 Years Later…

I awoke that fateful morning, expecting to continue my peaceful, secluded life on my little Sevii Island. The sun peeked through the shades of my windows. My eyes reluctantly opened. I dressed and went outside to prepare eggs over a fire. I let my friends out to eat, when a Dragonite glided down and landed in front of out very eyes. Dragonite dropped a yellow business envelope at my feet. I bent over a picked it up. I took my utility tool out and cut the envelope open. A paper read:

“Summer’s Have Come and Gone
New Adventures are Beginning to Dawn
Dearest Alex, Meet Me on My Front Lawn,
October 13th For the Annual Pallet Town Festival”

Yours Sincerely, Sam Oak.

I smirked a minute at Professor Oak’s horrible poem. Then something dawned on me.

“Looks like we’re going home, guys.” I said to my Pokemon.

“Is today the thirteenth?” I don’t know why, but I asked the Dragonite. My reply was simply a “Raaaah!” Zangoose nodded at me, which made me assume that meant yes.

“I’ll get ready and go then, bye Dragonite!” I said, and the Pokemon glided away.
“I’ll go inside and grab my things.” I swiftly packed and glanced at my clock.

“Only 7:30.” I said. I ran out side, gathered my Pokemon. I climbed on to Skarmory, and we were on our journey home.


“Down here, boy.” I said to Skarmory. The metal-bird landed right in front of my former home. I slowly got off, catching my balance. I returned Skarmory to his pokeball and trotted inside.

“Mom? Dad?” I questioned.

“Is that who I think it is? Oh, Robert! He’s here!” I heard the voice of my mother. The short lady trotted out of a room with a broad shouldered man in tow. I put on a smile, and mom hugged me.

“Oh, look Robert! He’s gotten so big!!!” Her tight hug was constricting me.

“Hello son. How’s it been going?” My solemn but gentle father asked.
“Life’s been treatin’ me pretty well. How are things around here?” I asked merrily.

“Ah, good.” My dad said. “Except Celia Ketchum has lost the rest of her screws.” I remembered that this was the 10th anniversary of Red’s disappearance. He was thought to be dead.

“Poor Celia…I would never heal if I lost you…She’s been roaming around her garden at night…” My mom said.

“Wally’s home!” My father said changing the subject. We went into the living room and sat down.

“How are your Pokemon?” Mom asked.

“As good as ever. Last week I discovered a new type of berry!” I said.

“Oh, how wonderful!!!” Mom beamed.

“Are you entering the Pokemon tourney, Alex?” My dad questioned.

“I’m planning on it.” I said.

We ate lunch, then me and my parents walked to Oak’s giant lab on the hill south of town. The now old man approached us.

“Ahh, Alex, how nice to see you. The contest is about to begin, so enter quickly.” I shook the old man’s hand and went to the “Entries” booth.


I was up against one of my old classmates. He was more talk than action. I easily whooped his poorly planned team.

Next was a little girl. I let her take a few blows at me, but easily won.

Finally, my best friend, Wallace, was up against me. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Wallace has always had an ego, but it got worse when he accepted the position of Hoenn League Champion. I, too, had been offered the position, but turned it down. I was and still am the first person in history to ever do that.

The battle began and I released Breloom. She would do well against Luvdisc, who Wally always sent out first.

Luvdisc did water gun, which was use less. Breloom used Mega Drain, and Luvdisc was obliterated.

He sent out a Gorebyss. The Pink Pokemon easily destroyed Breloom. Skarmory was my next choice. After using Fly a few times, Gorebyss fainted.

I sent out Zangoose, and his favorited Milotic came into battle. Zangoose used a whomping Fury Swipe. Milotic used Ice Beam. Zangoose stumbled some, but caught its balance.Zangoose snuck a Quick Attack. Suddenly, Milotic started to dart into the air. Zangoose jumped up and grabbed onto Milotic. The water-serpent called out in pain. Zangoose kept ascending Milotic’s body. Milotic seemed nearly out of the atmosphere when she darted towards the ground. The whooshing sound was heard. Zangoose safely jumped off. Milotic plowed into the ground. I was declared the winner, and Wallace walked away with a grimace.
_________________________________________________________________
;181; How Ya Like It?;181;

BIG PLOT TURNING NEXT CHAPTER

 

[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

New Chapter

Chapter 3
You’re No Friend of Mine

I found Wally at the Pallet Feast, and plopped myself by him.

“No hard feelings? Right?” I said.

“You’ve gotten better, of course not!” Wally said. “After dinner meet me by the waterfall, a’ight?”

“Ok, see you then.” I said. During dinner I talked to people I’d missed so much. I was bombarded with questions of all sorts. I finally found Celia Ketchum.

“Hello, Miz Ketchum.” I smiled at Celia. She faintly smiled back.

“How’ve you and Mimey been getting along?” I asked, referring to her and her Mr. Mime.

“Fine, I guess. Ashy said he’d call me the other day.” She said.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Ashy came home and told me he’d call!” She said irratibly.

“Oh, well that’s good.” I said. She suddenly stood and said, “I need to go wait for Ashy’s call. Bye!” She kissed my cheek and ran off.

“I wonder what that’s all about…” I thought to myself. I pondered what made her that way as I went to meet Wallace at the waterfall.


I arrived at our old childhood play spot. Wally sat in a tree which we used to spend hours in. It used to seem so big, but now it’s just an ordinary tree.

“Took ya long enough!” He said.

“Yeah, I had to see Celia.” I said. “What’s up with Ash coming home?”

“He didn’t. My parents don’t know what’s gotten into her. Last month she told me Pikachu was allergic to string cheese…”

“Really…” I said. “Now what did you want?”

“I have something to reveal. Something that will over joy you.” He said. He pulled what appeared to be a tear-drop out of his pocket. It was nearly the size of a pokeball. “I am the newest leader of Team Aqua.”

“Yeah right, go on…And what is that thing?” I asked.

“It’s a Soul Dew. It has been passed down through generations of Aqua leaders. I want you to have it.” He solemnly said this, and I burst out laughing.

“Yeah RIGHT!” I said. His face stayed solid. I was expecting him to yell “Psyche!”

“I’m serious.” He placed the Soul Dew in my hands. “I want you to do a favor though.”

“What is that?” I said. “I won’t do anything to help Team Aqua.”

“I want you to release Latios and Latias. This artifact holds the very souls, hence the name, of these Pokemon.” He stared deep into my eyes.

“Why can’t you do it?” I asked.

“Because. Only the strongest trainers are good enough to challenge the brother and sister.” He smirked. “This is your payment for your first Aqua mission.”

I was angered. My best friend becoming a Mafia Lord, and asking me to help him.

“Your no friend of mine, but thanks for the Soul Dew.” I said. I released Skarmory and flew away. I knew soon I would be in trouble with Team Aqua.

;386-d; ;094; Kinda Cool, huh?;094; ;386-d;

 

[Dilasc]

If you delete it to repost it, that's technically a bump, and a way to try and avoid low star ratings and reviews that you think are not worshipping your every nano-second of existence.

What we have here as a story is still bad from what I recall. There is no description. What do these creatures look like? Tell us! Dont use numbers in place of their word value! Write things out, dang it! You have a lot of work ahead of ya.

I recommend you go read some high star rated fics. If you need help finding good ones, search around, they may be closer than you think. When you find one though, read it, and absorb what you read, and take note of their style and mimic them all so you don't seem plagaristic.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Well, there's several points about this fic that have me confused or at wondering.

First up, how old is Alex? About twenty or so? Cause younger trainers generally don't have such a powerful team of pokemon.

Secondly, who is Celia's son? Ash or Red? (Yes, I know they're anime/manga versions of the same person, but I think I saw you use both names in the one fic.) I reckon the reader knows who you're talking about (unless there's two people and I REALLY missed something here) but indecisiveness on the author's part - especially over a character's name - is a no-no. There are exceptions - when there's deliberate ambiguity in the fic - but naming shouldn't be one of them, IMO.

Thirdly, in your battles, how did a Gorebyss defeat a Breloom (which has a type advantage)? I think your battle scenes could use a bit of work. The only one that really showed you had a clear image in your mind of what was happening was the Zangoose vs Milotic one. Even there, although I could clearly visualise the battle, I'd advise you to smooth it out a bit. The sentence are rather choppy at the moment, not to mention repetitive. "Zangoose did this. Milotic did that. Zangoose did this. Milotic did that." And a little extra description wouldn't go astray. Perhaps describe the way the pokemon looked in action? There's no need to describe the way a Zangoose looks like - people know that alread. But the way a Zangoose looks as it performs a Quick Attack, the speed and expression of the pokemon, not to mention the sounds it makes might help bring it to life. I'm not suggesting you go into endless detail - that can get very boring very quickly, but you've certainly got room to flesh things out a bit more.

Fourthly, the length of your chapters is acceptable in terms of the rules, but people generally like to see more than two pages in Word per chapter. There are exceptions, but I don't think your fic is one of them. I'd aim for at least over two - possibly up to five? I myself hit around 7 pages + and other people do more. But if you're new to this and worried about losing readership, perhaps stick to the over two goal?

Fifthly, Wallace. I'm assuming he's at least twenty as well? He's an interesting one, but I can't really see how anyone less than the best rise to becoming the new leader of Aqua. And I can't see how any leader of Aqua would ask someone not already on the team to perform such a dangerous mission. (This isn't to say that he'd ask some less than capable team member, but if the person he felt was most suited to the job wasn't on the team, I reckon he'd try to change that before entrusting them with the job.) Even though Alex is his one-time friend, I would have expected Wallace to try and get him to join before he gave him the mission - let alone such an important item. For one thing, if Alex didn't agree, how would he get the thing back to give to someone else?

Sixthly - formatting. You've done pretty well so far with it! Full stops and capitals. I didn't find any spelling errors. Congratulations! That's one of the first things that people notice about a fic. But yours doesn't contain any of those distractions. The only thing I can think to comment on is that in amongst what is generally a fic made up of single lines double spaced, even small paragraphs show up as chunks of text. I'm not asking you to break those up, but I'd suggest fleshing out the rest of the fic. It'd make it look a bit more uniform

Seventhly, Celia's madness. It's an interesting twist in this fic and intriguing to see how it develops. Pretty sad, though. Insanity - although so often used synonymously with humour - can be one of the most moving illnesses. Careful you don't cheapen it by using it offhandedly.

...meh. I think that's all. It's certainly enough for now. Anyway, I reckon you've got some original ideas here and the motivation to continue with them, obviously. You've got some courage and perseverance, I'll say! Not many people can be bothered continuing to post after one chapter goes unnotieced, let alone three! I hope you'll continue to write. Just keep in mind the points I've outlined here - if you were to work on all of these points, your fic would improve dramatically. I hope this review helps and encourages you. PM me when the next chapter goes up, hmm? Thanks!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

Just to clear stuff up...

The whole Ash/Red thing was a mistake, but now that I look at it, it makes Celia look even crazier!

Wally and Alex are 25.
(15 years after they left home)

I don't want to copy other's fan fictions. (Plots)

Thanks for encouragement and advice! I'll make the next chapter better, I promise!;249-d; ;198;

 

[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

Chapter 4- Song

Skarmory and I flew all night. My head was in pain, thinking of how much I was hurt, Celia's madness, and the Soul Dew. My arms were numb and Skarmory's metallic body made nothing better. I blew on my hands, then felt a sudden warmth on my hips. I reached into my pocket and saw the artifact I took from Wallace hours earlier. The token was glimmering and warm. I heard a poetic riddle in my mind:

Ea Oh Ni, No
Se-to T'ali Doh
Miyanegy, go Te' lo
Eon Islan'deo
Ea Oh Na, mes

I jumped. It was like the sound of an African ritual. Soft and soothing, but sending a a message. I once again looked at the Dew.

Latios' head was right there. He looked at me, a hand reached out and touched his head. My eyes were closed, and my own arm reached out into thin air. My eyelids jolted open. I pulled my arm back to my side.

"What was that?" I said to myself. I thought and pondered. It occured to me that the Soul Dew was giving me a message.

"Skarmory, take me to Pacifidlog Town!" I yelled in the wind.

"RAHHH!" He replied. And we were off...

*********************************
The sun was arising as Skarmory descending onto the floating town. We landed and Skarmory clapsed. I rubbed his head and put him in his Pokeball.

I roamed the planks for a while, looking for the infamous Illusile Library. If any place in the world could give me information on ancient languages, it was here.

After a half hour of searching (and breakfast,) I found the large limestone building. The building was believed to have been enchanted by Jirachi, to keep the structure from plunging into the sea.

I climbed the many steps and walked into the library, and approached the desk.

The librarian was asleep. She was young and slender, and hair of a strawberry blonde color.

"Ahem." I fakely coughed.

"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, how may I hellllp you?" She yawned and stretched.

"Are there any books on ancient languages?" I asked.

"What language? Hoennian, Kantonian, Johtian, or of an island race?" She asked, listing them off on her fingers.

"Um...I'll start with Islander..." I said. She retrieved four-hundred-fifty-eight books on the topic. I rode the escalator to a quite room at the top. I immersed myself, determined to find out this language...


;094; Is this better?;008;

 

[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

Appearance Index

Why I don't focus on what Alex looks like:
It's from his perspective, and Alex has lived on an island for years, not caring what other people think of how he looks.

Alex is medium sized, maybe 5'9 at the greatest. He is slender. His hair is a jet black color. It's unkempt, but not shaggy or long. He wears contacts.

He wears a vest. There are many pockets and it's black. A trainer belt, which holds his pokeballs, and baggy cargo pants. (Khaki color) These are also bulging with pockets. He wears a plain red t shirt. He has a backpack which holds items, his collapsable bike, and Super Rod.


more coming soon

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Well, it certainly looks like you've put a lot more thought into this one! The spacing is a lot neater and easier to read, so great work there.

This isn't to say that the formatting is perfect though - I prefer seeing italics to captial letters so I suggest you change Skarmory's "RAHHH!" to "Rahhh!". Or whatever sound you want to give it. Anyway, I reckon italics just look that little bit more professional. Also, people don't like to see random smilies in your fic or in a tag (Yes, I know I have smilies after my own siggie, but these are obviously standing for Pincone (Pineco) Tortoise (Torkoal) and I don't have a big siggie anyway. Plus, in a short chapter, smilies stand out more.)

Which brings me to another topic - length. I reckon that this chapter was almost under the required size, so I heartily advise lengthening the next chapter considerably. If you're wondering how, remember that description is your friend here - it will make everything longer.

On the topic of description/atmosphere, your first paragraph was the best of the lot. Even though it didn't go as far as it might have to create the scene, it's an improvement from before. We're just starting to get a sense of what your character is thinking and feeling - a sense of his personality.

I would have liked to see the message part described a bit more. Just where was Latios's head? And whose hand was it that reached out and touched him? (You said 'a' hand, though I'm fairly sure you meant to say 'my'.)

I'd also have liked to see a bit more interaction between Alex and Skarmory. Obviously the two have been together for a long while and I'm thinking there'd be a pretty strong relationship there. Whislt small gestures can say a whole heap, perhaps a little more emotion was needed than just a pat on the head.

When you said

The sun was arising as Skarmory descending onto the floating town. We landed and Skarmory clapsed. I rubbed his head and put him in his Pokeball.

I imagined a man on his Skarmory almost falling from the sky since the bird's limits of endurance had been reached. When you said the sun was arising, it added in the golden orange blush on the waters and sky and the same colour in sharp lines along Skarmory's wings as the light was reflected on the edge of his metallic feathers. You said the landed and Skarmory clapsed (collapsed?) and I see a man and bird tumble out of the sky into an abrupt and jolting landing on ancient, rotting timbers made soft with water. I see the sort of paraphenalia you find around docks - ropes, barrels and crates - lying on the floating platform while the ocean laps at its edge - barely three meters from the landing spot. Skarmory wheezes a metallic, scraping sigh and sinks to the ground, while his trainer crouches at his head.

"You did good, buddy."

The word aren't long, but they hold far more meaning than long words could. With a rueful smile at his compainion's exhaustion, the man rubs calloused, leathery hands along the bird's smooth head, fingering the horn. The bird clicks and wheezes again, rolling an eye up at its master. The man gives it a final pat and recalls it, before rising stiffly and to survey his surroundings and stretch muscles cramped from the long flight.

Just an example, but that's one way you could have stretched that short bit out. That's what I imagine when I'm reading your fic, but it's also what you have to spoon feed to your readers - they lap it up. What you're doing now is like giving someone a knife and fork, but telling them to get the substance of their own meal, and completely forgetting about providing pepper, salt and spices. You have the basics of an exciting fic, but let's get some juice into it, eh?

On the topic of the plot itself, I was a little surprised when Alex suddenly ordered Skarmory to take them to Pacifidlog - no reason was given and I assumed that he was simply taking himself where he had to be for the next part of the narrative - not where he had to be for his own logical reasons. That's the unfortunate thing about characters - you want them to do something because it advances the plot, but logic and their own personality dictates that they do something else. It's almost like they write themselves. >< Yes, it's frustrating, but when you come across that, try to give them logical, believable reasons for doing what you need them to do.

I was surprised again, however, when he turned out to be going to a library. Perhaps you could have added in a bit about him thinking he'd need to go find out more? It came suddenly and he was at the library before the reader knew why he'd gone in the first place.

Half an hour of searching to find it? Why? Was he lost in the town, or was the library lost and he had to quest to find it again? Mebbe something about directions could be added in?

Also, the librarian retrieved four hundred and fifty eight books? How? I'm assuming she just looked them up on the computer catalogue because to physically fetch them would take hours, not to mention being a whole lot of effort from someone so sleepy for someone she didn't know.

However, I did notice that you stopped using numbers and wrote the words out instead - nice going! It's great to see people listen to advice!

Anyway, those were just some points that you can improve on. Overall, I'd say you've got the bones clear and interesting idea and once you start fleshing it out, you'll have a truly great monster of a fic here! I can see you've tried a lot harder this time and well done you for making the effort!

Thanks for the PM for this chapter! Same for next chapter as well? Thanks! Good luck and have fun!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[cyndaquil_dratini]

Hey, I've been reading your fic, and I reckon you could have a great story. I like how you described Alex meeting Zangoose, I like the ideas you have for your plot (especially the visit to the library.). I agree with Piney tho- you need to really flesh things out to be able to get the most out of them.

At the moment, you have lots of good ideas, and you've kind of strung them together in a bit of an awkward way. In your first chapter, you start off really well by reminiscing about Zangoose. I like how Alex and Wally pretended to be pokemon, it seems like the kind of thing little kids in the pokemon world would do- I can really believe that. But when you're talking about the zangoose running away : Me and Wally chased the Zangoose. It kept running. Finally as the Sun went down, we decided to continue our journey the next day.

That bit doesn't make sense. It's like you were writing, and thought of an idea, and so wrote it in. What you need to do is decide what's going to happen before you write the story. So, if you were reminiscing about the time when Zangoose ran away, you shouldn't have said the bit about "A Zangoose, who to this day is still my companion." It makes sense, but it confuses the reader, because it makes it sound like Alex and Zangoose hit it off right away, and then Zangoose ran off.

There are things like this all the way through your story. I think what you need to do is read back through what you've already written, decide what exactly is going to happen next, and plan it out. And if you think of a good plot twist halfway through, you need to change the chapter so it fits with that. A plot twist needs to be believable as well as unexpected- Wally suddenly revealing to Alex that he was the leader of Team Aqua (as well as the Pokemon master?) seems kind of unrealistic, and was thrown upon us, mayeb to make the story seem more interesting to outside readers. What will make the story more interesting is if you stop and describe things more- I'd like to know a lot more about Alex's personality. From what you gave away in the character description, he seems like an interesting bloke (he doesn't care what other people think of him, that's quite an achievement...so he's got an attitude, or he's just very self-confident?) But people aren't just born with a personality- things happen to affect it, and change it. And characters in stories can't be perfect, either, because it makes it boring. Make Alex more realistic, someone we can relate to. And the story about the dew, and Wally, need much more fleshing out. I wanna find out exactly what's been going on, you need to fill in all the details.

Your latest chapter is much better than the others- I could imagine Skarmory flying through the sky, and the dew suddenly coming alive. This paragraph made me feel something- try and get that more, try and give the reader something to take away from your story. What does this story mean to them? I didn't mind the part about the library, I don't mind if you don't reveal all of a plotline as soon as it begins- but you have to know exactly what the plot is! You need to have a very clear idea of exactly where the story is heading before you begin, you need to know exactly how a chapter is going to end before you begin writing it, it's imperitive. So more forethought would go a long way- you're obviously really imaginitive, I like the ideas you come up with. Keep going though- you're dealing with someone who turned down the offer of being a Pokemon Master, which is the goal of anyone going on their pokemon quest. Why? Where did Alex get the rest of his pokemon from? How did Wally become the leader of Team Aqua AND the pokemon master? You need lots more explanations before your story is believable.

I loved the character you gave the librarian, she's great. Flesh her out a bit more- and I'm assuming the line about the 458 book was meant to be a joke, but it was waaaay too subtle. If you were being serious, that's unbelievable. Try and make everyhting in your story believable.

After all that, I like your ideas. I liek the character of Alex...I'd like to know more about him, and especially his relationship with his pokemon. I'm wondering what his flaws will be- he seems to not have very many at the moment, so I'm keen to discover what they are when they show up. Keep going, I liek your imagination, and your determination. I reckon stick just to the story, as opposed to little character descriptions- just add them in to your writing somehow. Keep going, I love your enthusiasm, and I'm excited to find out what happens next in this story.

 

[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

Sorry

Sorry Chapter 5 isn't up...having writers block, and trying to make Chapter 5 long...