Unwanted Legacy {PG-13}

[Noheart]

Hi all, and welcome to my fic. I've been finding myself bored a lot, so I thought that writing a fic would be fun. All constructive criticism and advice is welcomed with open arms. This fic is rated PG-13 because of Violence and Mild Language. And remember guys:

PROCRASTINATION-
makes perfect.



\|/ Unwanted Legacy \|/​

Table of Contents~

~PM List
___________________​

____________________
Chapter 1: The First Step
Chapter 2: Reload
Chapter 3: Persistance
Chapter 4: Rocky Road (Coming Soon)
Chapter 5: Vicarious (Coming Soon)​

.rolouge:.​

November 2nd, 2015.

Bang.

"Move move move!"

Bang.

"Find cover! Don't die!"

The sound of gunfire and explosives deafened everyone near it. Bullets are flying, houses are burning. The smell of smoke and sulfur made the soldiers gag and vomit. They all soon succumbed to the gunfire of the gunmen wearing gas masks and black suits with a giant red "R" on the chest.

Black jets soon flew over the battle field, dropping Electrode with a strange grey device on their heads. As soon as they hit the ground, the result was catastrophic. Resistance was futile. Soon, everyone in Saffron City either fled or died. Sabrina, the Saffron Gym leader, held the men off for as long as she could along with her powerful psychic pokemon so civilians could flee.

But there were too many of them.

Among the flames, a young man in his twenties stood with his hands in the pockets of his black hoodie. He had long, blood-red hair and an evil look in his eyes.

"Find all of the civilians. We're not taking prisoners." said the man.

"Sir yes sir!"

The sound of hundreds of men running in all directions filled the area. The man with red hair smiled at the sound of screams and gunfire.

"This is only the beginning. The world will be on it's knees soon enough."

***​

Two weeks later.​

November 16th, 2015.

"Why is he doing this? This isn't what I wanted."

Giovanni sat on his rock-hard prison bed with tears in his eyes. His room was painted with grey, the walls dampened from terrible plumbing. The steel bars that kept him prisoner were large and thick, as they were for any serious criminal.

Footsteps.

"Prisoner 628, come with me."

A guard had opened the cell door, and Giovanni winced at the screeching sound of metal being scratched against cement.

"Where am I going?" Giovanni asked.

"You'll find out soon enough." replied the guard.

Giovanni followed the guard with his head down and walked with small steps. His handcuffs were very uncomfortable and tight. He never imagined that the Kanto Prison would be as bad as he heard. On second thought, it wasn't. It was far worse.

The guard and Giovanni reached a door down the end of a hallway. He was going to be questioned, and he knew why. The guard opened the door and shoved Giovanni in with the palm of his right hand. He then slammed the door.

There was a middle-aged man on the other side of the room behind a wooden table. He had a notebook with him and a small table lamp on the left side of it.

"Sit down." said the man.

Giovanni took a seat, wanting to get this over with. He'd tell them everything, for he no longer wanted anything to do with Team Rocket. The team's creation was a deadly mistake, and now he was paying the ultimate price for it: Punishment and Guilt. The man spoke again.

"Alright, let's begin. As you know, Team Rocket has gotten increasingly violent over the years, commiting crimes such as theft and assault. Some members have even been charged with murder. Authorities thought these acts of violence were just performed by wannabe's with no leader, trying to revive something that has long been dead. However, that theory is dead wrong. Saffron City is now in ashes, and we're still clueless. Where in the world did they get all of those weapons? Why did they attack and destroy Saffron City? These questions have remained unanswered, and the casualties in Saffron City are beyond countless. So, I will do everything in my power to prevent something like this massacre ever happening again. We now know that Team Rocket has a new leader, and I believe that you know his identity."

Giovanni remained silent for a while, thinking of what to say. What good will it do them if they knew the identity of the new leader? Something to tell the public to calm them down? It all seemed rather pointless to him.

"So, if I do know this man's identity and tell you, what's in it for me?" Giovanni asked.

"The warm, fuzzy feeling you get inside when you do something good." replied the man.

Giovanni sighed.
"I might as well tell him to get on his good side." Giovanni thought. "Who knows, maybe my sentence will be reduced?"

"Well, what will it be Giovanni? Don't waste my time." said the man.

"Alright." Giovanni began. "I'll tell you everything."
________________________________



And that concludes the prolouge. I hope it sounds interesting enough for people to follow the story. Also, I'll be keeping a character analysis sheet in a spoiler tag that'll be up to date with the latest chapters (though I'll only start on it when I'm deeper into the story). I think it'll help me and reviewers make the characters and story more interesting.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Legend of Lucario]

Ooooohhhhh definitely interesting!

I didn't notice many problems there is just this one thing I would like you point out.

The sound of gunfire and explosives deafened everyone near it. Bullets are flying, houses are burning. The smell of smoke and sulfur made the soldiers gag and vomit.

You switched your tenses, I think that's what they're called, but you know what I mean! Accident I'm sure.

But yeah I'm excited to see what happens!

 

[Noheart]

Ooooohhhhh definitely interesting!

I didn't notice many problems there is just this one thing I would like you point out.



You switched your tenses, I think that's what they're called, but you know what I mean! Accident I'm sure.

But yeah I'm excited to see what happens!

Think I fixed them. Thanks for pointing that out.


On another note, I'll be using symbols from now on in my chapters to tell what time an event is taking place.

At the beginning and end of a flashback, there will be a "~".
When the story fastforwards in time, there will be three asterisks where it happens. "***" It could be two minutes a head of time, two days, you name it.

And now, Chapter 1.

Chapter 1: The First Step​

December 18th, 2020.

It was a silent morning. No noise except for the rain softly landing on Kevin's window. He suddenly woke up, coughing with a pounding headache.

"No... damn it I can't be sick! Graduation is in two days..." He said with a moan. He continued coughing, starting to feel the mucus climbing up his throat.

He looked around his room. The walls were painted white, with two large windows on the other side of his room. His bed had a green camoflauge blanket along with matching pillows. He had a TV in between in his two windows. To the left of his bed, he had his dresser along with a mirror over top of it. The right side of his room he had a closet and a night stand right next to his bed.

Kevin got out of bed, and instantly felt extremely dizzy.

"Ugh... why today...?"

He opened the door, and began to slowly walk down the hallway into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror, and saw that he had circles around his eyes that were at least an inch round. He also had really bad bed head.

He began to cough heavily, and started to walk down the stairs. He headed down into the kitchen.

"Morning, Kevin. How did you sleep?" said a brown-eyed woman standing over the sink. She was several inches shorter than Kevin, with long, black hair.

"I feel like crap, I'm really sick." He said. He felt something tackle his left foot, and saw a little black dog nudging him with a tennis ball in it's mouth.

"Not now Poochy..." said Kevin. The Poochyena whined.

Kevin stumbled into the living room and found the thermometer and took his temperature. Once it beeped, he looked at the number on it and swore.

"Mom, 102 fever." He said with a sigh, as he started coughing again. He cleared his throat while coughing up mucus, and spit it into the garbage.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, get some rest hun, I'll bring you up some medicine and a water bottle in a bit." said Kevin's mother with a sigh.

"Where's Charmeleon?" Kevin asked. "He wasn't in my room."

"I think he's outside on the porch. But don't go outside, you'll get worse."

Kevin took his medicine, then walked back upstairs and went to back to sleep.



Screams.

"No, please! No!"

Bloodshed.

Kevin's town of Twinleaf was in flames, men marching in with flamethrowers and guns, killing everyone in sight.

Kevin was looking for his mother, but she was nowhere to be found. He ran around town, but there was no sign of her. He tried to flee in the forest, but it he ended running into a dead end. He was cornered by a man in a black uniform, who had a gun pointed to his head.

Bang.



Kevin sat straight up in his bed, sweaty with his adrenaline pumping.

"Just a nightmare..." he said.

He felt perfectly cured after taking the medicine made from Lum Berries. He changed into his outdoor clothes, and realised he had slept until 2 o' clock. He went back downstairs, only to be greeted by a shout from his mother.

"Kevin, Kevin, look at the news!" she yelled.

Kevin walked into the living room, seeing Charmeleon there. The lizard pokemon smiled, seeing that Kevin was feeling better. Kevin then sat down on the couch to see what his mother was screaming about.

"This just in, Team Rocket attacked Vermillion City overnight, though was held back by the U.R. Army. Fortunately, no civilians died, but the damage done to the city was significant. Team Rocket has retreated, but they are expected to strike again. Be sure to keep watching the Orre News channel to keep yourselves updated. Have a nice day."

Kevin frowned. His eyes were glistening with hatred toward Team Rocket. He raised his hand above his neck to clutch the gold necklace around his neck that was given to him by his father, who is a captain in the U.R. Army. Charmeleon and Kevin's mother started to look at Kevin with worry.


Four years ago, when Kevin was only 10 years old, he was confronted by his father along with his mother who told him he is going to war. His mother's eyes were filled with tears. Kevin was speechless and in disbelief.


~

July 13th, 2016.

"But, why daddy? Why do you have to go?" asked little Kevin.

"Well son, sometimes there are bad people in this world who want to hurt others. I have to set them straight and make them good. The army has asked me to go on help them, and unfortunately, I can't say no." said Kevin's father.

He was a thirty-nine year old man, but incredibly fit. He had brown hair, and different colored eyes. His left eye was green, and his right eye was blue. He had a camoflauge uniform on, with a name tag on the right side of his chest that said "Cpt. Stetz".

"Here, I have some things to give you." said the man.

He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a gold chain and a pokeball.

"In this pokeball, there is a Pokemon named Charmander. You've told me you wanted to become an official Pokemon Trainer after you graduate Trainer School, and I think this is the perfect Pokemon for you."

Kevin accepted the Pokeball, his eyes filled with tears and ready to pop out of their sockets.

"Thank you daddy..." said little Kevin, with a sob.

"Next..." Kevin's father began, his eyes becoming watery. "This is a necklace your grandfather gave to me before he went to the last war with Team Aqua and Magma. In other words, he gave this to me before he died. So, Kevin, incase I don't come back from this war, know that I will always be with you. Think of that chain as my legacy."

Kevin's father put the chain around Kevin's neck, and kissed Kevin's mother.

"Goodbye, and remember that I love you two very much."

He walked out the door, with zero belligerence.

~

Kevin is now fourteen, in his last year of Trainer school. His grades were always excellent, and he kept himself fit. His father always taught him how to get in shape and stay that way. From lifting weights to jump rope. It was like he had the body of an athlete, but the mind of a teacher. He studied very hard and did excellent in the battles at his trainer school. Over the years, his Charmander evolved into Charmeleon when Kevin was 13, and has been Kevin's partner ever since his dad gave it to him.

Kevin stood up.

"I'm going for a walk, mom. Coming, Charmeleon?"

Charmeleon nodded and followed Kevin out of the back door, leaving his mother with a sad look on her face.

"That poor boy, I shouldn't have showed him that broadcast..." said Kevin's mother.

***

Two days later. December 20th, 2020.

Kevin, along with 15 other students, were on the stage in the auditorium to be given their graduation tickets. An old man in his sixties, wearing a tan suit with a tie and dress pants walked up and on to the stage and activated the microphone.

"This year, we are proud to honor these 16 students who have worked hard to get closer to their dreams of becoming great Pokemon Trainers. We have TM's for each one of them to help them on their journey." said the man. Parents' and Teachers' applause followed.

"First up, Jeremy Tyler Palmer! Your reward is a lovely TM80, Rock Slide!"

Kevin was the last student in line. He was wearing a red hoodie with a guitar on the front of it and a zipper with a plastic, detailed skull on it. He was wearing blue jeans, and was listening to heavy metal on his iPod loudly. Students gave him annoyed looks, but he didn't care.

"Next, Ashley Liechi! Your gift is TM73, Thunder Wave!"

The girl recieved her certificate and walked down the stage steps like Jeremy.

Kevin recieved a nudge in the side. It was from Isaac, the guy who was infront of him in line.

"Yo can you maybe, uh, turn that metal crap down?" said Isaac, annoyed.

Kevin turned it down a little. "Better?" he said.

"Following Ashley, Dylan Smith! Your gift is TM66, Payback!"

The names kept on coming.

"LeAnne Belts!"

"Jacob Eisenhower!"

"Cierra Coleman!"

"Logan Snyder!"

"Jason Harris!"

"Koron Wallander!"

"Mason Kinley!"

"Nicole James!"

"Dimitri Leo!"

"Tatiana Bloom!"

"Romario Hendershack!"


And finally, Isaac was up. "Kev, meet me after the party, I need to ask you something."

"Alright." replied Kevin.

"Isaac Jackson! Your gift is TM68, Giga Impact!" said the man in a wrestling referee voice. It sounded like he was getting tired.

"Sick." said Isaac with a smile on his face.

"And finally, at the top of the class..." began the old man. "Kevin Stetz! Your TM is the rare TM23, Iron Tail!"

Kevin thanked the man and accepted his rewards. He walked down the steps and the graduation party began.

***

Kevin stepped outside of the school. That party was tiring. He started to walk home and almost forgot that Isaac wanted to meet him. He stopped walking and turned around, seeing Isaac approaching him.

"Alright Kev, you are the smartest and most talented student in our year. I was wondering if you would be my rival, so I can strive to get better. And if we meet up from time to time, we can battle and test our skills. Motivation, ya know?" Isaac said. "So whaddaya say?"

Kevin wanted to think this through for a moment. It could be beneficial... he thought.

"Okay." Kevin finally said. "We're rivals."

Isaac smiled and walked back to his house, which was ironically on the street behind Kevin's.

"I'm going to beat Cynthia." Kevin thought to himself. "So when my dad gets back, he'll have a son to be proud of."

_____________________

And that's the end of the chapter. Hope you enjoyed it.

 

[The Great Butler]

"Morning, Kevin. How did you sleep?" said a woman, over the sink. She was several inches shorter then Kevin, with long, black hair and brown eyes.

"Said a woman, over the sink" feels incomplete to me. I think I'd move some of the description in the second sentence to the first, like, "...said a brown-eyed woman standing over the sink."

Fortunately, no civilians died, but the damage done to the city has hurt.

This would be better as "...but the damage done to the city was significant."

Kevin frowned. His eyes glistened with hatred toward Team Rocket. He clutched the gold necklace around his neck that was given to him by his father, who is a captain in the U.R. Army. Charmeleon and Kevin's mother looked at Kevin with worry.

Inconsistent tenses here.

He was 39 year old man, but incredibly fit.

"A 39 year old man."

Kevin accepted the Pokeball, his eyes filled with tears and ready to pop out of their sockets.

Really like the description here.

He walked out the door, with zero belligerence.

What does belligerence have to do with this part? It's a little confusing.

All in all, I like it. Your technique could use some work, but you have a solid storyline behind it.

 

[Noheart]

"Said a woman, over the sink" feels incomplete to me. I think I'd move some of the description in the second sentence to the first, like, "...said a brown-eyed woman standing over the sink."



This would be better as "...but the damage done to the city was significant."

Yeah, that sounds a lot better.

Inconsistent tenses here.

I'm having problems with tenses. I'll try to be more careful with them in Chapter 2.

"A 39 year old man."

Fixed.

Really like the description here.

Thanks.

What does belligerence have to do with this part? It's a little confusing.

Hmm... I was trying to make it clear that he was being drafted, and didn't really want to go to war. I'll try to fix it up so it's a little more clear.

All in all, I like it. Your technique could use some work, but you have a solid storyline behind it.

Thanks. I really do need some work on my technique, I'll try my best to fix it up. Thanks for pointing out my errors.

EDIT: Editted some errors in the Prolouge and Chapter 1. Fixed typo's, and hopefully my problem with tenses.

 

[The Great Butler]

Hmm... are you trying to tell me to lose the numbers?

You simply put "39 year old man." The way that sentence is built, it should be "a 39 year old man."

 

[Noheart]

All right guys, here's Chapter Two. I'm sorry it took so long, I've been really sick with pneumonia and was just released from the hospital yesterday, so I really didn't have a chance to write much. I'll make up for it in Chapter 3 though.

Also, I added a PM list to the first post if anyone's interested.

Chapter 2: Reload​

December 19th, 2020.



"It's hopeless man, we're all gonna die!"

The U.R. soldiers were being pushed back by the Team Rocket members. Explosions and the sound of gunfire roared through their eardrums, almost completely deafening them.

"Fall back! Fall back! We have to regroup!"

The soldiers began fleeing the scene, some not making it. The U.R. soldiers rushed into a nearby forest, where their temporary meeting place is located. The rockets gave pursuit, but soon became lost and had to turn back.

"Where is he? Where's the captain?" said a soldier.

"He'll be here. No rocket can kill that man." replied another.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

The sound of heavy boots stomping on the ground put a smile on all the soldiers' faces. It was Captain Stetz.

"Greetings, men." the captain began. "As you all know, we are completely outnumbered and outgunned. Our mission seems... impossible. A suicide mission, if you will. But do not be intimidated. The rockets are reckless and incredibly stupid. We can outmaneuver and overpower them, because we think. We are trained to protect peace, and that's what we're here to do. We need to take 'em out, taking advantage of their many blind spots. The rockets only seem to notice what's in front of them, and seem to take no caution at all. Are you all ready?"

Roars of the words 'yeah!' and 'yes!' came out of every soldier's mouth as a response.

"All right, move out!" commanded the Captain.

Captain Stetz and his men ran out of the base, ready to put their plan into action.

***

"Infantry to the east, captain." whispered a soldier.

"Take 'em out."

Silenced sniper rifles took care of the rockets below. The captain's squad was on higher ground, on the hilltops near Diglett Cave. The rockets are making a second attempt to destroy Vermillion City. The captain believed that the rockets are taking refuge inside Diglett Cave, and after seeing a large majority of rockets rushing into the cave, his theory seemed to be correct.

"Move in, quickly!" yelled the captain.

The soldiers sprinted to the inside of the cave, switching to their battle rifles, which were also silenced.

The soldiers took out many of the enemy infantry with stealth and almost no effort. As they moved on, the unthinkable happened.

Boom.

The particular passage way the soldiers took was booby trapped. Rockets started rushing in with gas masks, while the walls started to fill the tunnel with poison gas.

"Fire!" yelled the captain, coughing.

The rockets also fired, almost like they were responding to the captain's command. Even though the soldiers were crippled by the poison gas, they managed to fend off the ambush. Many of them died in the process, however.

It was just the captain, and three soldiers left.

"We gotta get outta here, move move move!" yelled the captain.

The soldiers agreed and ran as fast as they could along side the captain.

"There! I see light!" yelled the captain.

The soldiers continued to run. Captain Stetz soon heard the grim sound of coughing and thuds. While running, the captain turned his head around. He saw the three remaining soldiers on the ground, having succumbed to the gas in their lungs.

The captain still continued running, and soon felt the warmth of the sun on his sweaty face. He made it to to the entrance of Pewter City.

His eyes were struck by suprise. The captain felt an immeasurable amount of pain striking his lungs with increasing ferocity.

The captain fell to his knees, gasping for breath. A purple, gaseous substance started to come out of his mouth and nose. The pupils in his different colored eyes grew larger, and suddenly, became small.

The captain fell to the ground, completely unconscious.

***


December 19th, 2020, same day.

"Mom, I'm heading out to Jubilife now. All the school graduates are leaving for their journeys today." said Kevin.

"Kevin..." Mrs. Stetz began.

Kevin knew his mother would try to change his mind about leaving. She was always against the idea of him going out on a Pokémon journey. She keeps forgetting though, that Kevin has Charmeleon with him. He wasn't alone.

"...Be careful."


Kevin was suprised. His mother is finally accepting what Kevin wanted to do. This is his dream, and she respected that. He knew that she would put no effort into stopping him.

Kevin gave her a long hug, and a kiss on the cheek.

"Goodbye, Mom. Wish me luck."

Mrs. Stetz waved goodbye as Kevin started to walk out the door to his home.




Kevin had packed sufficient supplies for his journey. Or at least, enough that would last him until he would have to restock. Some extra clothes, his life savings that he earned from doing chorse and his baby sitting job, and some food. Jubilife wasn't that far from Twinleaf, and Kevin could always get more things at Sandgem Town. He was wearing a black jacket with white stripes on each sleeve with a hood, blue jeans, black skater shoes with purple lightning strikes going down each side of the shoes in a horizontal fashion, a gray belt that held up his jeans and had six slots to put in pokeballs, and his father's gold chain.

Charmeleon's pokéball was in the first slot on the right side of the belt. Kevin began walking out of Twinleaf Town and made a right, making it through the patches of grass without being attacked by the local Bidoof and Starly.

"That was... Easy." Kevin thought.

Kevin didn't feel the need to stop at the Pokémon Centre in Sandgem Town. He was still filled with energy and determination, ready to make it to Jubilife by nightfall. He wondered why the teachers at his school told the children to be cautious and ready for really long journeys between towns. The walk from Twinleaf to Sandgem was barely twice as long as the walk from Kevin's house to the Trainer School.

Kevin wanted to be prepared, just in case. He went to the PokéMart to buy some Pokéballs and a few potions.

"There you are sir!" said the cheerful cashier, handing over Kevin's items in a plastic bag. "Have a nice day!"

Kevin began walking out of the store.

"27,650 PD left..." Kevin muttered, taking small steps out of the PokéMart. He still had enough for a PokéDex.

Kevin walked over to the Sandgem Laboratory, which is run by Professor Rowan. Professor Rowan is selling PokéDex's for 20,000 PD. Very expencive, but it's very advanced technology.

Kevin knocked at the door. Almost instantly, and old man, likely in his seventies, answered the door. He was wearing a lab coat with a light blue shirt under it, along with white lab pants that most professors wear. He had gray, messy hair along with a strange moustache Kevin had never seen on anyone else.

"Hello there, young man. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to buy a PokéDex, sir." said Kevin.

"I see..." said the professor. "Wait one moment, if you please."

Prof. Rowan closed the door and walked to the back of his lab, where his PokéDex's were kept. He got one, and swiftly walked back to the door to get back to Kevin.

"Here you are." said Prof. Rowan. "You know the price?"

Kevin nodded and handed the professor the money, walking away with a wave with his left hand as a "thank you".



Kevin reached the edge of Sandgem Town. He could see some of the graduates from his old school out in the field, battling eachother or wild Pokémon. Kevin was all ready for Jubilife, and packed everything he needed in his backpack. It was about 4:30 P.M., which should be early enough for Kevin to get there before dark.

As Kevin started to walk, a lot of the trainers stopped what they were doing and stared.

"Is that Kevin Stetz?" a trainer asked. "Yeah, that's definitely him!" replied another.

Before Kevin knew it, several trainers ran up to him with Pokéballs in their hand.

"Oh, great..." Kevin muttered in annoyance.

"Kevin, you're battling me right now. You can go to Jubilife after I'm done whiping the floor with you!"

It was Koron Wallander, a graduate that sat next to Kevin in most of his classes. He was O.K. at battling, but never managed to beat Kevin.

"Full out battle, right here right now." said Koron, not letting Kevin pass.

Kevin sighed, and took out Charmeleon's pokéball. He tossed it into the air, and Charmeleon appeared from the light that the pokéball emitted.

"Char." Charmeleon growled, ready to fight.

Koron took out a pokéball out of his jeans pocket. He was only wearing a white t-shirt, with a white ball cap on, the same type of jeans Kevin was wearing, and white sneakers. He was about the same height as Kevin with dark skin, and a buzz cut.

"Go, Piplup!" he yelled.

A blue little penguin Pokémon came out of the pokéball. It looked a little scared to be in battle, but stood it's ground.

"Bubble!" yelled Koron. "Keep it going until it hits!"

Bubbles came out of the Piplup's beak, heading towards Charmeleon.

"Dodge it, then Dragon Rage." said Kevin, calmly.

Charmeleon seemed to be just walking out of the Bubble Attack's line of fire, and fired a purple flame at the Piplup, hitting it head on.

"Pipluuuup!" screeched the penguin in pain. It flew backwards, hitting a nearby tree that cracked from the impact.

"Piplup!" yelled Koron, rushing towards the knocked out pokémon.

Kevin returned Charmeleon to it's pokéball and walked over to Koron.

"You were reckless, you know what Dragon Rage does since you've seen it in our last battle. It's basically an instant KO move for low level Pokémon, you should've watched out for it." said Kevin, disappointed at the lack of excitement from the battle.

"You wait, one day I'll be better." said Koron, becoming ticked at Kevin's 'I'm superior' attitude.

"Not if you keep battling the way you do." said Kevin, walking away towards Jubilife.

The other trainers decided not to battle Kevin, seeing how Koron, the third best in the class, was cast aside by one move from Charmeleon.

Kevin remembered that Isaac was now his rival, and should watch out for him. He might pop up and want to battle him.

He's probably already in Jubilife by now. he thought.

Kevin reached to the steps leading to Jubilife, and looked at the city with all of it's bright buildings. Kevin walked inside, heading towards the Pokémon Centre to get a room for the night. The battles had slowed him down, and it was almost 7:00 P.M.

Kevin reached the Pokémon Centre, only to be stopped by deep voice calling to him from behind.

"Hoy, you there!"

Kevin turned around, and almost vomitted.

There was an incredibly fat man yelling to him from about twenty feet away. He was wider than he was tall, having several rolls of fat going down each side of his torso that looked like they were about to bust out of his purple button-shirt. He had large, stubby legs that were barely concealed by wide, black gym work-out pants. The man started walking toward him, shocking Kevin that he could actually walk.

The man waddled a bit closer, unfortunately giving Kevin a better look at his face. He had messy, dandruff-filled light-brown curly hair with sunglasses that could barely fit on to his enormous head. His face was filled with huge and popped pimples, making Kevin's urge to blow chunks even greater.

"My name is Milo Burgerstufferfarticus Albertosaladdodgerstein. I'm with the Pokétch Company, and I, Milo Burgerstufferfarticus Albertosaladdodgerstein, am forcing you to find three obese clowns and take quizzes from each of them. Then you get these neat little device that-"

Kevin had already started running into the Pokémon Centre with all of his strength.

"WAIT!" yelled Milo. "YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE! YOU MUST TAKE OUR JUNKY PRODUCT AND TALK TO OUR ANTI-SOCIAL CLOWNS SO THEY DON'T COMMIT SUICIDE!

Milo made a pathetic attempt to run after Kevin, but soon fainted from fatigue after two steps. He then had a heart attack and died after his rough workout of two short steps. As he collapsed, his shirt ripped, releasing dozens of pizzas and hogies out of his fat rolls that he used to store food.

The citizens that saw this vommited, and were immediately rushed to the hospital after a 911 call from a witness to the event. Authorities then got a construction crane to lift up Milo's body, only to soon throw it into the body of water that connected Jubilife to Canalave City.

***


Kevin rushed into the Pokémon Centre, with a look on his face like he'd seen a ghost. He quickly walked over to Nurse Joy, who was behind a counter at the other side of the room next to a Chansey.

"One... One room please." Kevin said.

The nurse happily gave Kevin a room to stay in for the night. She also took Charmeleon's pokéball to heal him while Kevin rested. Not that he needed it, but Kevin wanted to be sure.

Kevin hopped on to his bed, glad to be away from that Milo freak.

Next stop, Oreburgh..." Kevin said to himself, looking forward to his first gym badge. He closed his eyes, and went to sleep.

***


_______________

Well, that was Chapter 2 guys. Maybe not as exciting as some people would like, but it'll get better in future chapters, trust me.

Also, don't ask about the Milo thing. xD

 

[The Great Butler]

Not much to say critically about this chapter; the only spelling mistake I noticed was "expensive." You really need to watch your tense agreement more carefully, however, as you frequently shifted between past and present throughout.

The battle was decently written, albeit a little short. The Prof. Rowan scene wasn't bad either, but the description was a little sparse - I would have described his appearance more.

"My name is Milo Burgerstufferfarticus Albertosaladdodgerstein. I'm with the Pokétch Company, and I, Milo Burgerstufferfarticus Albertosaladdodgerstein, am forcing you to find three obese clowns and take quizzes from each of them. Then you get these neat little device that-"

Kevin had already started running into the Pokémon Centre with all of his strength.

"WAIT!" yelled Milo. "YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE! YOU MUST TAKE OUR JUNKY PRODUCT AND TALK TO OUR ANTI-SOCIAL CLOWNS SO THEY DON'T COMMIT SUICIDE!

This, however, is pure win. Gold star for you.

 

[Noheart]

Not much to say critically about this chapter; the only spelling mistake I noticed was "expensive." You really need to watch your tense agreement more carefully, however, as you frequently shifted between past and present throughout.

Yeah, it was kind of rushed. Tenses are starting to become a pain, I'll look over them a bit later.

The battle was decently written, albeit a little short. The Prof. Rowan scene wasn't bad either, but the description was a little sparse - I would have described his appearance more.

The battle was really short, I could have made it a bit more interesting, though I'm sure I'll get better at writing them in the future as I go on. Also, I tried to add a bit more detail to Prof. Rowan's physical description, thanks for pointing that out.

This, however, is pure win. Gold star for you.

Heh, I got bored. I was playing through Pokémon Diamond to get a better feel of Sinnoh and the Pokétch guy annoyed me, since I wasn't allowed to leave until I answered questions from stupid clowns that apparently like to wear yellow circus outfits around in public giving random quizzes to people that want free Pokétches. So I decided to make fun of the guy a bit.


Also, happy Thanksgiving / Turkey Day to everyone.

 

[milo05]

There was an incredibly fat man yelling to him from about twenty feet away. He was wider than he was tall, having several rolls of fat going down each side of his torso that looked like they were about to bust out of his purple button-shirt. He had large, stubby legs that were barely concealed by wide, black gym work-out pants. The man started walking toward him, shocking Kevin that he could actually walk.

The man waddled a bit closer, unfortunately giving Kevin a better look at his face. He had messy, dandruff-filled light-brown curly hair with sunglasses that could barely fit on to his enormous head. His face was filled with huge and popped pimples, making Kevin's urge to blow chunks even greater.

"My name is Milo Burgerstufferfarticus Albertosaladdodgerstein. I'm with the Pokétch Company, and I, Milo Burgerstufferfarticus Albertosaladdodgerstein, am forcing you to find three obese clowns and take quizzes from each of them. Then you get these neat little device that-"

Kevin had already started running into the Pokémon Centre with all of his strength.

"WAIT!" yelled Milo. "YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE! YOU MUST TAKE OUR JUNKY PRODUCT AND TALK TO OUR ANTI-SOCIAL CLOWNS SO THEY DON'T COMMIT SUICIDE!

Milo made a pathetic attempt to run after Kevin, but soon fainted from fatigue after two steps. He then had a heart attack and died after his rough workout of two short steps. As he collapsed, his shirt ripped, releasing dozens of pizzas and hogies out of his fat rolls that he used to store food.

The citizens that saw this vommited, and were immediately rushed to the hospital after a 911 call from a witness to the event. Authorities then got a construction crane to lift up Milo's body, only to soon throw it into the body of water that connected Jubilife to Canalave City.

***

Wtf pk (D) I'm not like that More (D)

Also, don't ask about the Milo thing. xD

Too late.


Nice FanFic btw.

 

[Noheart]

Wtf pk (D) I'm not like that More (D)

Huh? Whatever gave you the idea that I was referring to you? (smirk)

Nice FanFic btw.

Thank you sir.


I'm halfway done with Chapter three, and have planned out Chapter four.

Both should be up within next week.

 

[Noheart]

Hey all, I'm back. And guess what I got? Chapter three!

Chapter 3: Persistance​

December 19th, 2020.

"Is he breathing?"

"Hardly, we need to get him hospitalized, ASAP."

"Right."

Captain Stetz had been found outside of Diglett Cave, unconscious. The U.R. Army brought a transport helicopter to bring Captain Stetz to the Vermillion City Hospital.

***
December 21st, 2020.

"Captain? Captain Stetz? Can you hear me?"

The captain's different colored eyes slowly opened, closed, then opened again. He saw a short man with large, black-rimmed glasses and a bald head. He was wearing a doctor's uniform with a stethoscope around his neck.

"My name is Dr. Herrowitz. Your lungs were poisoned by a gas that emit from Koffing and Weezing. Lucky that it wasn't a different kind, because we only had the antidote for the poison those two pokemon release..."

But it came from the walls... thought Captain Stetz. Could they have had Koffing and Weezing behind them? Damn, I knew it was too easy...

"...But you still need a few more doses of medicine before you're completely cured. Sadly, it was too late for most of your crew. We were able to save some people, but the others perished... We've never seen a Koffing slash Weezing's Poison Gas be this fatal on humans before. We think Team Rocket has some how... genetically enhanced them to be more deadly on none-pokemon targets. The thing is... Team Rocket is filled with idiots, and was supposed to have disbanded years ago. This MUST mean not only do they have a new leader, that leader is a freaking genius."

"Don't compliment the enemy, Doctor. Shows signs of bad faith." replied the Captain. He took a look around.

The room was pretty plain. The floor was made up of teal square tiles about a foot in width and height on each one. The walls were painted a blank white, and there was a large window to the right of the Captain's hospital bed. On the left side of the room was the door, and a desk equipped with a sink and a section for a computer. The captain noticed an IV fluid to the left of his bed then, and a needle in his left arm, pumping medicine into him.

"...Right, sorry Captain. Anywho, you should be out of here in two or three days. But, I advise no military action for a long while. Your lungs need to recover. Go home, visit your wife. You have a son, yes?"

The captain's eyes widened. He thought of his family, back in Twinleaf. His son should've graduated Trainer School not long ago.

"He must look so different..." thought the captain.

"Captain?" said the doctor, concerned.

"...Yeah." replied the Captain. He could finally go home! See Mary, his wife, and his hometown of Twinleaf. He couldn't wait to see how much Kevin had grown, too.

"Captain, are you all right? You're... crying." said the doctor.

The Captain realized a tear slowly moved down his face. He quickly whiped it away with the white hospital sleeve on his right arm.

"I'm fine. It's just... I haven't been home in ages." said the Captain, looking out in the night sky. It must be in the middle of the night.

"Ah." said the doctor. "I bet they're dying to see you too."

***

December 21st, 2020.

Kevin was sound asleep in his Pokémon Centre bed, which was actually really comfortable. Though, his sleep was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Hello?! Kev, are you awake?" said a familiar voice. All too familiar.

Kevin moaned. He was in gray sweat pants and a white tank top, which was normally what he slept in. He pulled the covers off himself and slowly walked to the door.

"Who is it?" said Kevin with a yawn.

"Isaac."

"I knew it.Kevin whispered to himself. He opened the door, seeing Isaac in front the doorway, dressed to leave.

Kevin put his right palm on the wall next to the door and walked backwards just enough for his hand to touch. He stretched out his back and leaned against the side of the doorway.

"'Sup?" said Kevin, with another yawn.

"Dude, it's like eleven in the morning, how are you still sleeping? I asked nurse joy to tell me when you got here, so I could see you in the morning." said Isaac.

"What for?"

"I want to battle you." said Isaac, looking serious.

Isaac was the best battler in the graduate class at the Twinleaf Trainer school, next to Kevin. Isaac never won against Kevin, but was the only one that ever came close.

"Let me get dressed, then..." replied Kevin, unenthusiastic about the idea. He hated how his classmates were obssesed with challenging him to battles. Though, the only battles that were ever somewhat interesting was the ones he had with Isaac. Isaac was probably prepared and trained a lot harder, so Kevin had to stay on his toes.

***

Two hours later...

"Ready to lose, Kev?" asked Isaac, confident.

"Whatever." replied Kevin.

The two trainers were at the battle field behind the Pokémon Centre, with Nurse Joy as referee. The battlefield was a dirt field with the typical pokéball insignia indicating that it was official. Some other students stayed at the Jubilife Pokémon Centre, and came to watch. Including Koron Wallander, the kid that Kevin battled yesterday. He was hoping Isaac would win, since he thought Kevin was far too confident in his abilities as a trainer and needed to be taught a lesson.

"Alright!" yelled Nurse Joy. "This'll be a full out battle using all available Pokémon each trainer has! The winner will be decided when all of one trainers Pokémon are unable to battle! You may begin at your own convenience!

"I've got two, Kev. I bet you still only have Charmeleon." said Isaac with a smirk.

Kevin wasn't worried. A newly caught Pokémon had little chance of even scratching Charmeleon, though it did give Isaac a little advantage.

Kevin tossed Charmeleon's Pokéball without a reply. The Pokéball opened in mid-air, and revealed a white light, summoning the orange lizard Pokémon that is Charmeleon.

"Char." said the Pokémon. He recognized Isaac instantly, and grinned, showing off his sharp teeth.

Isaac brought out a Pokéball from the right side of his belt.

"Go, Zubat!" Isaac yelled.

The Pokéball was thrown up into the air, and let loose a white light that summoned a blue bat. It had no eyes, but very sharp teeth that Kevin noticed immediately.

So this is his new Pokémon... thought Kevin.

"All right Zubat, Supersonic! Go!" commanded Isaac.

The Zubat opened it's mouth, and let loose a loud, irritating sound that made yellow rings head towards Charmeleon.

"Dodge it, then Ember." said Kevin in retaliation.

That was a bad first move. thought Kevin. Supersonic has low accuracy, allowing me to easily counter attack it.

Charmeleon nimbly jumped out of the way of the Supersonic and let loose burning hot embers from it's mouth, hitting the Zubat head on.

"Zuzuuu!" cried the Zubat in pain.

As I thought, he barely trained it after capture. thought Kevin. Another Ember should take it out. But just to be sure...

"Charmeleon, use Smokescreen." said Kevin.

"Char!" replied Charmeleon. Charmeleon enveleoped the entire battlefield in smoke, making him invisible.

"Nice try Kevin, but Zubat doesn't see with it's eyes! Zubat, Leech Life!"

Charmeleon could faintly see the Zubat, flying towards him with impressive speed.

Kevin silently swore. "Charmeleon, Scratch!"

The zubat made contact with Charmeleon's neck, attempting to suck the life out of it. Charmeleon knocked it off with it's left claw, sending it flying.

"Finish it with Ember!" yelled Kevin.

The embers could be seen outside of the smoke, a bunch flying towards Zubat in an almost orderly fashion.

"Zubaat!" cried the Zubat, as it dove downward and hit the ground.

The smoke cleared, showing the fainted Zubat and the victorious Charmeleon.

The spectators were getting excited at the intensity of the battle. Koron could be seen with a frown on his face and intense eyes.

"Come on Isaac... Kick his ***..." Koron said silently to himself.

"Return, Zubat." said Isaac with disappointment with his voice. "Rest a bit."

A red light came out of the center of the closed pokéball, enveloping the Zubat, then transporting it back into the sphere.

"I'm not done yet Kevin. You may think I'm weak, but I'll show you." he said, looking Kevin in the eye.

"Who said I ever thought that?" asked Kevin, with a half-smile.

Isaac smirked, seeing that Kevin had respect towards him as a battler. Satisfied, he brought out another pokéball from under his belt.

"Luxio, battle time!" Isaac yelled as he threw the pokéball.

A lion-looking pokémon with a dark-blue covered mane was released from the pokéball that Isaac threw. Under it's mane light-blue covered fur could be seen, with two yellow rings on each bottom part of it's two front legs. It had a star at the end of it's tail, and had light-blue ears with yellow on the inside.

"Charge!" yelled Isaac.

Electric sparks began bouncing around the Luxio's body, powering it up. Luxio grinned at the feeling of power, and growled at the sight of Charmeleon. The two pokémon have been rivals ever since they were in their first evolved formes. Even though Luxio's ability, Rivalry, powered it up against Charmeleon, Charmeleon always got the upper hand.

"You think I'm just gonna stand here and let you power up? Charmeleon, Ember." said Kevin.

Luxio was hit with the embers head on, taking a good deal of damage. Though, Charge raised it's special defense, sparing it from some of ember's power.

"Now, Spark Luxio!" yelled Isaac.

The sparks bouncing around Luxio increased in numbers and speed, soon enveloping his whole body.

"Luxio!" Luxio yelled, as it began charging towards Charmeleon.

"Charmeleon, jump and use Dragon Rage!" yelled Kevin.

Charmeleon jumped, but Luxio was too fast. Before Charmeleon could prepare the Dragon Rage, Luxio had jumped after it and slammed it hard with it's charge-powered Spark. Charmeleon flew backward and hit the ground hard with it's back. The wind was knocked out of him and he was struggling to get back on his feet.

"Damn it! Charmeleon, Dragon Rage before he hits you again!" yelled Kevin.

"Luxio! Spark once more! Finish it!" yelled Isaac.

Luxio charged up a Spark attack, and began running towards Charmeleon as it was getting up.

"Come on Charmeleon! Do it now!" yelled Kevin. He knew another spark would be the end of it, and he would lose.

Charmeleon opened it's mouth, and fired a purple flame just as Luxio got close. The impact made dirt rise off the ground, while also making a force of wind that blinded Kevin and Isaac in combination with the dirt.

As their vision came back to them, a cloud of dirt was still surrounding the battle field. Both trainers waited until it was clear before making a command.

As the cloud disappeared, Luxio could be seen on the ground, fainted. Charmeleon was still standing, but looked beat up and tired.

"And that's the match!" yelled Nurse Joy. "The victory goes to Kevin and Charmeleon!"

Kevin let out a sigh of relief, and ran to the middle of the battle field to compliment Charmeleon for his strength in the battle. Isaac returned Luxio to his Pokéball, complimenting it as well.

"Great job Charmeleon, you were amazing." Said Kevin.

"Char!" said the Charmeleon, thanking Kevin while smirking.

Isaac walked towards Kevin, looking sad. But then, he perked up again.

"Good match, Kevin. I thought I had you that time." said Isaac.

"You almost got me, dude. That was probably the most exciting match I've ever had." replied Kevin.

Isaac smiled in satisfaction, shaking hands with Kevin.

The former students in the stands cheered, even Koron. They all ran off to greet the two trainers, giving both of them compliments and saying how great of a match it was.

Nurse Joy walked up to the two. "I think each of your Pokémon should rest for the the day. They've all taken quite a beating." She said.

The two agreed, walking with Nurse Joy to the Pokémon Centre to get their Pokémon healed, as the students followed.

_______________________

And that's chapter three. Sorry it came a little later than promised. Hope you enjoyed it!

 

[Venomfrog]

I quite enjoyed the battle scene (you did a good job making it interesting and realistic), and overall I am intrigued by this story. It has good measures of suspense and drama, and the war backdrop makes it all the more touching.

My only complaint is the inconsistent spelling and grammar, which greatly improved in Chapter 3 to the extent that I could not find any mistakes. However, in the previous chapters there were several errors, so make sure you keep up the careful proofreading which you seemed to do on the most recent installment.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. You are doing a good job so far.

 

[Yami Ryu]

The Zubat opened it's mouth, and let loose a loud, irritating sound that made yellow rings head towards Charmeleon.

"Dodge it, then Ember." said Kevin in retaliation.

That was a bad first move. thought Kevin. Supersonic has low accuracy, allowing me to easily counter attack it.

Charmeleon nimbly jumped out of the way of the Supersonic and let loose burning hot embers from it's mouth, hitting the Zubat head on.

Ok.

First up.

Did you see what I highlighted? We're going to first focus on that.

You made it sound exactly like I was playing a game. Not a good move. Not a good move at all.

Firstly, the term Supersonic;

The term supersonic is used to define a speed that is over the speed of sound (Mach 1). In dry air at 20 °C (68 °F), the threshold value required for an object to be traveling at a supersonic speed is approximately 343 m/s, (1,125 ft/s, 768 mph or 1,236 km/h). Speeds greater than 5 times the speed of sound are often referred to as hypersonic. Speeds where only some parts of the air around an object (such as the ends of rotor blades) reach supersonic speeds are labeled transonic (typically somewhere between Mach 0.8 and Mach 1.2).

Sounds are travelling vibrations (pressure waves) in an elastic medium. In gases sound travels longitudinally at different speeds, mostly depending on the molecular mass and temperature of the gas; (pressure has little effect). Since air temperature and composition varies significantly with altitude, Mach numbers for aircraft can change without airspeed varying. In water at room temperature supersonic can be considered as any speed greater than 1,440 m/s (4,724 ft/s). In solids, sound waves can be longitudinal or transverse and have even higher velocities. Supersonic fracture is crack motion faster than the speed of sound in a brittle material.

Then lets move onto the fact that you have it, the sound is heard first- than the attack happens. If you hear something before seeing it, then something is majorly wrong. Especially with something like this. Light travels faster than the speed of sound- it's why you see lightning first, before hearing the boom of thunder.

So by the time you see the attack, it should already be far to late, if you heard it. That and it should be energy/light, if the zubat screeched beforehand, which would also be hard to dodge. But see, you didn't try and have your character do this smartly. Infact, you didn't do this whole thing wisely. You could have had it Supersonic is low accuracy because the Zubat has to hone in on the target first, then launches a battery of noise and etc to confuse the target.

But, once again that doesn't make sense as if the Zubat does that, then admitedly any noise it spews out would give it the local of the target and be able to deafen it with noise, confusing the poor creature so much it begins to injure itself.

So then you don't even try and have it, Zubat has to turn its hearing off, thus leaving itself vulnurable and guessing as to where the target is, when it lets loose its piercing screech. And even if you avoid the main attack, you're still in hearing distance so it's probably going to hurt too.

But nope you did none of this and make a scenario just like the games.

Bravo?

The captain's eyes widened. He thought of his family, back in Twinleaf. His son should've graduated Trainer School not long ago.

"He must look so different..." thought the captain.

"Captain?" said the doctor, concerned.

Stiff and unemotional, and what's with breaking up the sentence into multiple?

The man's eyes widened slightly as only now did he remember his family. His thoughts quickly turned to that of their home, Twinleaf. His wife was probably worried sick about him, his son most likely should have graduated from the Trainer School by now.. 'He must have grown into a fine young man by now..' the man thought. But he was interrupted from any other such thoughts as the doctor continued to speak.

"Captain?" He asked, a tad concerned when his patient had spaced out.

Example- no you can't use.

What is this? This is basically allowing readers to get into the mind of a character, without just telling us in flat, boring detail of what is happening or what they're thinking. But actually showing some depth and thought into the characters.

Kevin moaned. He was in gray sweat pants and a white tank top, which was normally what he slept in. He pulled the covers off him and slowly walked to the door.

Kevin moaned because of what he was wearing?

Carl let out a moan born from exasperation. Why was his friend always bothering him when he wanted to sleep!

You then also describe what he is wearing after he moans, when we really don't need to know in exact listy detail. Especially before he was uncovered from the blankets.

And how did he get to the door when it seems he never got up/out of the bed.

The spectators were getting excited at the intensity of the battle. Koron could be seen with a frown on his face and intense eyes.

Because only one out of the nameless crowd deserved a name or were known/not sticks enough to be pointed out.

And intense eyes? Intense Eyes? Really?

in·tensely adv.
in·tenseness n.
Synonyms: intense, fierce, vehement, violent
These adjectives mean of an extreme kind: intense fear; fierce pride; vehement dislike; violent rage.
Usage Note: The meanings of intense and intensive overlap considerably, but they are often subtly distinct. When used to describe human feeling or activity, intense often suggests a strength or concentration that arises from inner dispositions and is particularly appropriate for describing emotional states: intense pleasure, intense dislike, intense loyalty, and so forth. Intensive is more frequently applied when the strength or concentration of an activity is imposed from without: intensive bombing, intensive training, intensive marketing. Thus a reference to Mark's intense study of German suggests that Mark himself was responsible for the concentrated activity, whereas Mark's intensive study of German suggests that the program in which Mark was studying was designed to cover a great deal of material in a brief period.

At anyrate this brings out one of your other falts. You seem to either be missing words in places, or using the wrong one. Or in this case, possibly both as it should be intense look of something in his eyes or his eyes held an intensive look of something, etc.

"Char!" said the Charmeleon, thanking Kevin while smirking.

So lets get this straight, you have it, yes IT because obviously giving it a gender would actually give it more personality. Anyways, you have it get knocked around and nearly beaten. Bruised up so bad that it should almost be ready to faint. But the moment its trainer comes walking up to congratulate it, Char! it exclaims without a wheeze, pant, or struggle for breath.

This was like skimming over the pokemon video game. No wait it wasn't, as this was a bit worse actually, as the game is supposed to have flat characters and little detailing.

Stories, aren't supposed to lack in those departments.

I suggest working on description for emotions, actions, thoughts and words. Putting more effort into character interactions and development. Attempting to make the pokemon more than squealing rocks that breathe fire or lightning. Putting thought into the attacks of said pokemon. Making it a bit more interesting than the video games, instead of something more boring than them.

Getting a beta and possibly reading AFAA and a couple other trainer stories, wouldn't hurt either.

 

[Noheart]

I quite enjoyed the battle scene (you did a good job making it interesting and realistic), and overall I am intrigued by this story. It has good measures of suspense and drama, and the war backdrop makes it all the more touching.

Thank you.

My only complaint is the inconsistent spelling and grammar, which greatly improved in Chapter 3 to the extent that I could not find any mistakes. However, in the previous chapters there were several errors, so make sure you keep up the careful proofreading which you seemed to do on the most recent installment.

Yes, I need work on a lot of things, and tried to somewhat improve on them in Chapter 3. Thanks for noticing, and I'll look over the previous chapters sometime to fix them.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. You are doing a good job so far.

I guess I'm doing OK. Thanks for the compliments.

Ok.

First up.

Did you see what I highlighted? We're going to first focus on that.

You made it sound exactly like I was playing a game. Not a good move. Not a good move at all.

Firstly, the term Supersonic;



Then lets move onto the fact that you have it, the sound is heard first- than the attack happens. If you hear something before seeing it, then something is majorly wrong. Especially with something like this. Light travels faster than the speed of sound- it's why you see lightning first, before hearing the boom of thunder.

So by the time you see the attack, it should already be far to late, if you heard it. That and it should be energy/light, if the zubat screeched beforehand, which would also be hard to dodge. But see, you didn't try and have your character do this smartly. Infact, you didn't do this whole thing wisely. You could have had it Supersonic is low accuracy because the Zubat has to hone in on the target first, then launches a battery of noise and etc to confuse the target.

But, once again that doesn't make sense as if the Zubat does that, then admitedly any noise it spews out would give it the local of the target and be able to deafen it with noise, confusing the poor creature so much it begins to injure itself.

So then you don't even try and have it, Zubat has to turn its hearing off, thus leaving itself vulnurable and guessing as to where the target is, when it lets loose its piercing screech. And even if you avoid the main attack, you're still in hearing distance so it's probably going to hurt too.

But nope you did none of this and make a scenario just like the games.

Bravo?

Sorry, I'll try to fix it. I still need to work on my battling scenes.

Stiff and unemotional, and what's with breaking up the sentence into multiple?

The man's eyes widened slightly as only now did he remember his family. His thoughts quickly turned to that of their home, Twinleaf. His wife was probably worried sick about him, his son most likely should have graduated from the Trainer School by now.. 'He must have grown into a fine young man by now..' the man thought. But he was interrupted from any other such thoughts as the doctor continued to speak.

"Captain?" He asked, a tad concerned when his patient had spaced out.

Example- no you can't use.

What is this? This is basically allowing readers to get into the mind of a character, without just telling us in flat, boring detail of what is happening or what they're thinking. But actually showing some depth and thought into the characters.

Okay, I need work on describing in detail what's happening. Noted.

Carl let out a moan born from exasperation. Why was his friend always bothering him when he wanted to sleep!

You then also describe what he is wearing after he moans, when we really don't need to know in exact listy detail. Especially before he was uncovered from the blankets.

And how did he get to the door when it seems he never got up/out of the bed.

Well, that's obviously not what I meant to describe, but now that you mention it, it awfully sounds like it does. =/ I'll do my best to look over the chapter later on, and be careful what I do with chapters yet to come.

Because only one out of the nameless crowd deserved a name or were known/not sticks enough to be pointed out.

And intense eyes? Intense Eyes? Really?



At anyrate this brings out one of your other falts. You seem to either be missing words in places, or using the wrong one. Or in this case, possibly both as it should be intense look of something in his eyes or his eyes held an intensive look of something, etc.

Well, the crowd really isn't that important. I said that they were made up of former students, which WERE all named in the first chapter, so yeah I suppose I could've made them easier to picture. One was more imporant than the others because he had an important role in Chapter Two.

So lets get this straight, you have it, yes IT because obviously giving it a gender would actually give it more personality. Anyways, you have it get knocked around and nearly beaten. Bruised up so bad that it should almost be ready to faint. But the moment its trainer comes walking up to congratulate it, Char! it exclaims without a wheeze, pant, or struggle for breath.

This was like skimming over the pokemon video game. No wait it wasn't, as this was a bit worse actually, as the game is supposed to have flat characters and little detailing.

I'm sorry you didn't like it. I'm not some pro author, of course I'll have a lot of faults. Thanks for pointing out errors.

I suggest working on description for emotions, actions, thoughts and words. Putting more effort into character interactions and development. Attempting to make the pokemon more than squealing rocks that breathe fire or lightning. Putting thought into the attacks of said pokemon. Making it a bit more interesting than the video games, instead of something more boring than them.

I know, I know. Work on this, work on that. I'll refer to this post whenever I make a chapter, then.

Getting a beta and possibly reading AFAA and a couple other trainer stories, wouldn't hurt either.

I've read AFAA over quite a few times and have read some trainer fics, but I don't really think reading other fics help me that much. AFAA has helped me quite a bit though.

Damn Yami, you typed that up pretty fast. Anyway, thanks for putting effort into a rate.


I'll get into editting the chapters to fix some errors up tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

 

[The Great Butler]

The captain's different colored eyes slowly opened, closed, then opened again. He saw a short man with large, black-rimmed glasses and a bald head. He was wearing a doctor's uniform with a stethoscope around his neck.

I would have mentioned what color his eyes are.

"My name is Dr. Herrowitz. Your lungs were poisoned by a gas that emit from Koffing and Weezing. Lucky that it wasn't a different kind, because we only had the antidote for the poison those two pokemon release..."

This isn't bad per se, but I'd extend it a little more. Maybe add some conversation before the doctor tells him what happened.

"...But you still need a few more doses of medicine before you're completely cured. Sadly, it was too late for most of your crew. We were able to save some people, but the others perished... We've never seen a Koffing slash Weezing's Poison Gas be this fatal on humans before. We think Team Rocket has some how... genetically enhanced them to be more deadly on none-pokemon targets. The thing is... Team Rocket is filled with idiots, and was supposed to have disbanded years ago. This MUST mean not only do they have a new leader, that leader is a freaking genius."

...Okay, strike my last comment.

"Koffing slash Weezing" sounds weird. I get what you're talking about though.

There is an error where you said "none" instead of "non."

However, the last sentence, I think that is pretty good.

"Don't compliment the enemy, Doctor. Shows signs of bad faith." replied the Captain. He took a look around.

Nice touch.

Moving on to the battle, I think that the action itself is well written, but the description is a bit bare. I'm one to talk though :\

Chapter on the whole is pretty good. You do need to work on tense agreement, capitalization and description, but I echo Venomfrog in that this is a good story.