This is a fic about my favorite savage Urgum the Axe Man enjoy.
Part One:The Returning Hero
Chapter1 :Watchers In The Sky
The dust the Lost Desert streamed out in a cloud behind the horses thundering around the brim of the Forgotten Crater and on towards Golgarth Cragg.Evil cries echoed across the dry plains, rock lizards cowered in the shadows, a rattlesnake hastily buried itself in the hot sand and a scorpian scuttled to hide in the roots of a giant yellow catus. Even the bloated milligobs crawling over a donkey skull froze and held their breath, praying for the barbarian riders to pass by. The heavy figure on the leading horse was waving a massive axe around his head so recklessly it was a miricale that it hadn't hacked any chunks out of the sweating beasr's lurching neck. White sunlight glinted off the axeman's sharpened teeth and the muscles bulging from his arms were as thick and tight as tree roots. It was many years since he has first been sewn into his thick leather breastplate and the slashes and stains on it were a testament to all the many acts of savagery it had witnessed since. His speed and skill with the axe was legandary , his reputation for close-combat fighting was awesome, his treatment to enemies utterly ruthless and his greed at meal times was the subject of ballads. No wonder Urgum the Axeman was the fiercest savage that the lost desert had ever known.
"YARGHHH!"
shouted Urgum happily.
Despite all his fantastic abilities and achievements, for Urgum, the main pleasures of life came from simple things and if there was one thing he liked more than anthing else it was galloping madly across the desert with his seven sons, shouting pointlessly. They had been out at the Unicorn Hunt, and like all good bararic social events it had involved fighting, bragging, brawling, partying and completely losing track of time. The one thing it hadn't involved was actually catching any unicorns but the weren't going to let a small detail likw that upset there fun as they galloped home to the cragg.
"Yarghhh!" shouted Urgum again. "Wouldn't you agree lads?"
"Yarghhh!" agreed the seven sons.
Urgum's chest swelled with pride. This was GREAT! Nobody else in the desert would dare gallop along the thin ledge that ran around the brim of the Forgotten Crater. Behind him the boys had started up thier favourite battle chant:
"ARE WE SCARED?
NO!
DO WE CARE?
NO!
WE'RE COMPLETELY
MENTAL!"
Leaning over the side of his horse, Urgum looked straight down to where the rocky path came to a sharp edge and disappeared inches from the pounding hooves. Through the sulphur fumes he could just make out the blood-red glow of the lava lake half a mile below. His horse only had to take one false step and they would tumble to a ghastly death.
Urgum was never worried about suffering a ghastly death for one simple reason: he was a true barbarian. He knew that if he died really horribly but was utterly fearless about it, he would impress the barbarian gods so much that he would be rewarded in the afterlife with a seat at the high table in the Hallowed Halls of Sirrus. In fact, if one thing did bother Urgum, it would be that he might die in his sleep with a happy little smile on his face and - his biggest waking fear - his thumb in his mouth. That's why he never misses a chance to risk his life in the most ridiculous and diabolical ways.
There was also another reason why Urgum wasn't worried. Quite simply , he hadn't died yet. It didn't seem to matter what mind-numbingly dangerous situation he threw himself into, somehow he always survived. To Urgum it was obvious why - the gods needed him alive. If anything happened to him there wouldn't be anyone else half as good to uphold the proud traditions of fearless savagery ... oh, unless any of his sons managed to become as fierce and fearless as he was. Ho ho, big joke,
This mad charge around the crater would show what they were made of. True, the seven sons were still keeping up with him but, despite their shouts and chants, they looked terrifed. Urgum grinned, thinking back to his early savage years, and tried to remember what being scared felt like. In those days, he'd played the normal childish games, like knotting a pair of rattlesnakes together or running along a tightrobe over a bear pit, but he would always mutter a quick prayer to his gods to deliver him safley.
Looming ahead of the riders was a thick yellow sulphur-cloud. They all charged headlong into the cloud. As the eyes of the riders and horses burnt with acidic tears, it became impossible to see the narrow path. "What do we do now, Urgum?" shouted Ruff, the eldest son, through the mist. "We can't tell where we're going!"
"We ride FASTER of course!" screamed Urgum.
"YARGHHH!"
Urgum was enjoying himself so much that it would never have occurred to him that up in the Hallowed Halls of Sirrus the barbarian twin gods Tangor and Tangal. Like most gods they needed mortal faith to remain gods. So they needed Urgum alive and Urgum being Urgum didn't relise that.
As Urgum led his sons into the cloud, Tangal was franticly waking her brother from an afternoon nap.
"Look at Urgum!" she said. "He's charging blindly round the the edge of the crater."
"So what?" Her brother yawned.
"So the idiots trying to kill himself again!"
So Tangor reached a massive hand down to the riders and felt the hooves of the horses on his finger as the riders charged straight off the crater.
"This is the very last time, Urgum," Tangor said puting his finger down away from the crater and waited until the last horse had charged off and away.
"We need to give Urgum a little suprise when he gets home"
Down in the land of mortals, Urgum emerged from the cloud, rubbing his eyes, while beneath him his horse snorted and coughed and finally came to a standstill.
"Wow!" said Urgum as he shook his head to clear it.
"Wasn't that just ...
"WOW?"
The horse looked around to see who Urgum was talking to, but they were alone. The horse quite reasonalby assumed Urgum was talking to him, but not being used to conversation, he wasn't sure how to reply. What should i say? He carefully composed a speech:
"You call that 'Wow'? You great sweaty lump. You should try running over jagged rocks through and acid cloud carrying a fat stupid moron on your back sometime. I'kk give you 'wow', you stinky lice-ridden hooligan." The horse thought that sounded about right. It was nicley structured, it set correct tone and delivered his views perfectly. Ok, Urgum, he diecided, scrape out your ears and get ready for this...
But just then the other horses and riders staggered from the cloud.
"Wow!" shouted Urgum "Eh lads? Wow?"
"WOW?"
They all cheered.
"So, lets see if you all made it," said Urgum. "Robbin, Ruff, Ruinn, Rakk n' Rekk, Raymond. Hurrah! Let's go."
"Hold it!" said Ruinn counting. "One, two, three, four, five, six."
"Great!" said Urgum. "Lets go."
"But isn't it supposed to be seven of us?"
"Nah!" said Urgum. "That fancy mathematics of yours must be wrong."
A final rider stumbled out of the crowd.
"Told you," said Ruinn.
"Oh!" said Urgum. "Fancy me forgettin' er, thingy ... oh you know who i mean ... whatsisface...?"
"The Other One?" asked Ruinn.
"Yeah, him," said Urgum. "Right, let's go. Follow me boys!"
(What do you think of chapter one?)
Part One:The Returning Hero
Chapter1 :Watchers In The Sky
The dust the Lost Desert streamed out in a cloud behind the horses thundering around the brim of the Forgotten Crater and on towards Golgarth Cragg.Evil cries echoed across the dry plains, rock lizards cowered in the shadows, a rattlesnake hastily buried itself in the hot sand and a scorpian scuttled to hide in the roots of a giant yellow catus. Even the bloated milligobs crawling over a donkey skull froze and held their breath, praying for the barbarian riders to pass by. The heavy figure on the leading horse was waving a massive axe around his head so recklessly it was a miricale that it hadn't hacked any chunks out of the sweating beasr's lurching neck. White sunlight glinted off the axeman's sharpened teeth and the muscles bulging from his arms were as thick and tight as tree roots. It was many years since he has first been sewn into his thick leather breastplate and the slashes and stains on it were a testament to all the many acts of savagery it had witnessed since. His speed and skill with the axe was legandary , his reputation for close-combat fighting was awesome, his treatment to enemies utterly ruthless and his greed at meal times was the subject of ballads. No wonder Urgum the Axeman was the fiercest savage that the lost desert had ever known.
"YARGHHH!"
shouted Urgum happily.
Despite all his fantastic abilities and achievements, for Urgum, the main pleasures of life came from simple things and if there was one thing he liked more than anthing else it was galloping madly across the desert with his seven sons, shouting pointlessly. They had been out at the Unicorn Hunt, and like all good bararic social events it had involved fighting, bragging, brawling, partying and completely losing track of time. The one thing it hadn't involved was actually catching any unicorns but the weren't going to let a small detail likw that upset there fun as they galloped home to the cragg.
"Yarghhh!" shouted Urgum again. "Wouldn't you agree lads?"
"Yarghhh!" agreed the seven sons.
Urgum's chest swelled with pride. This was GREAT! Nobody else in the desert would dare gallop along the thin ledge that ran around the brim of the Forgotten Crater. Behind him the boys had started up thier favourite battle chant:
"ARE WE SCARED?
NO!
DO WE CARE?
NO!
WE'RE COMPLETELY
MENTAL!"
Leaning over the side of his horse, Urgum looked straight down to where the rocky path came to a sharp edge and disappeared inches from the pounding hooves. Through the sulphur fumes he could just make out the blood-red glow of the lava lake half a mile below. His horse only had to take one false step and they would tumble to a ghastly death.
Urgum was never worried about suffering a ghastly death for one simple reason: he was a true barbarian. He knew that if he died really horribly but was utterly fearless about it, he would impress the barbarian gods so much that he would be rewarded in the afterlife with a seat at the high table in the Hallowed Halls of Sirrus. In fact, if one thing did bother Urgum, it would be that he might die in his sleep with a happy little smile on his face and - his biggest waking fear - his thumb in his mouth. That's why he never misses a chance to risk his life in the most ridiculous and diabolical ways.
There was also another reason why Urgum wasn't worried. Quite simply , he hadn't died yet. It didn't seem to matter what mind-numbingly dangerous situation he threw himself into, somehow he always survived. To Urgum it was obvious why - the gods needed him alive. If anything happened to him there wouldn't be anyone else half as good to uphold the proud traditions of fearless savagery ... oh, unless any of his sons managed to become as fierce and fearless as he was. Ho ho, big joke,
This mad charge around the crater would show what they were made of. True, the seven sons were still keeping up with him but, despite their shouts and chants, they looked terrifed. Urgum grinned, thinking back to his early savage years, and tried to remember what being scared felt like. In those days, he'd played the normal childish games, like knotting a pair of rattlesnakes together or running along a tightrobe over a bear pit, but he would always mutter a quick prayer to his gods to deliver him safley.
Looming ahead of the riders was a thick yellow sulphur-cloud. They all charged headlong into the cloud. As the eyes of the riders and horses burnt with acidic tears, it became impossible to see the narrow path. "What do we do now, Urgum?" shouted Ruff, the eldest son, through the mist. "We can't tell where we're going!"
"We ride FASTER of course!" screamed Urgum.
"YARGHHH!"
Urgum was enjoying himself so much that it would never have occurred to him that up in the Hallowed Halls of Sirrus the barbarian twin gods Tangor and Tangal. Like most gods they needed mortal faith to remain gods. So they needed Urgum alive and Urgum being Urgum didn't relise that.
As Urgum led his sons into the cloud, Tangal was franticly waking her brother from an afternoon nap.
"Look at Urgum!" she said. "He's charging blindly round the the edge of the crater."
"So what?" Her brother yawned.
"So the idiots trying to kill himself again!"
So Tangor reached a massive hand down to the riders and felt the hooves of the horses on his finger as the riders charged straight off the crater.
"This is the very last time, Urgum," Tangor said puting his finger down away from the crater and waited until the last horse had charged off and away.
"We need to give Urgum a little suprise when he gets home"
Down in the land of mortals, Urgum emerged from the cloud, rubbing his eyes, while beneath him his horse snorted and coughed and finally came to a standstill.
"Wow!" said Urgum as he shook his head to clear it.
"Wasn't that just ...
"WOW?"
The horse looked around to see who Urgum was talking to, but they were alone. The horse quite reasonalby assumed Urgum was talking to him, but not being used to conversation, he wasn't sure how to reply. What should i say? He carefully composed a speech:
"You call that 'Wow'? You great sweaty lump. You should try running over jagged rocks through and acid cloud carrying a fat stupid moron on your back sometime. I'kk give you 'wow', you stinky lice-ridden hooligan." The horse thought that sounded about right. It was nicley structured, it set correct tone and delivered his views perfectly. Ok, Urgum, he diecided, scrape out your ears and get ready for this...
But just then the other horses and riders staggered from the cloud.
"Wow!" shouted Urgum "Eh lads? Wow?"
"WOW?"
They all cheered.
"So, lets see if you all made it," said Urgum. "Robbin, Ruff, Ruinn, Rakk n' Rekk, Raymond. Hurrah! Let's go."
"Hold it!" said Ruinn counting. "One, two, three, four, five, six."
"Great!" said Urgum. "Lets go."
"But isn't it supposed to be seven of us?"
"Nah!" said Urgum. "That fancy mathematics of yours must be wrong."
A final rider stumbled out of the crowd.
"Told you," said Ruinn.
"Oh!" said Urgum. "Fancy me forgettin' er, thingy ... oh you know who i mean ... whatsisface...?"
"The Other One?" asked Ruinn.
"Yeah, him," said Urgum. "Right, let's go. Follow me boys!"
(What do you think of chapter one?)
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