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Viridian Psychos (Rated R)

Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
Hey everyone this is my third attempt at a FanFiction. I'm holding my breath and praying this one turns out better. Please read and tell me what to work on and fix and I will do so. If you would like to be added to a PM list please let me know. So here is the Prologue its long and you'll think it's a chapter but you will see why it is only a Prologue.

PM List
Kcander
Diddy
Rippingthunder
Moogles4ever

Without Further Ado...

Viridian Psychos
Disturbing Imagery Up Ahead​

PROLOGUE

The night sky was dark and dreary. There were many tall trees shrouding a small city. Pokemon hid inside of the canopies of the forest and looked up and the round, white moon with its many craters. The little town was lit up by different lights from houses and businesses. A large ivory building with a burnt orange roof stood tall in the middle of the city.

“Hello,” Gina answered her phone.

“Hey, girl,” Brenda replied to Gina

“What’s up?” Gina asked.

“Nothing,” Brenda said, “just standing on the back porch.”

“Why aren’t you inside?” Gina asked in a sassy tone.

“Because I want to be outside.” Brenda said.

“Umm okay,” Gina said.

“Plus,” Brenda said, “you won’t let me in.”

“What?” Gina asked.

A click came out of the small, vibrant pink phone. Gina raised one of her slender, blonde eyebrows. She walked into the kitchen. The walls were a light peach tone. The tile was ivory in color. There were different designs and shapes painted delicately on each different title. Gina put her hand in the pocket of her blue jeans. She pulled out an ebony hair band and tied her golden, curly hair back. She lifted her bight pink shirt up to cover her breasts. She stepped to the glass door and pulled the albumen colored blinds. She looked out of the crystal clear glass. She didn’t see anyone but the forest around her.

“Brenda is so full of ****,” Gina said.

Gina took a couple steps on the back porch. She looked at the emerald grass and then up at the canopy of the woods. She turned her circular head to look to her right. She walked down the small wooden steps into the grass.

“BRENDA,” Gina called out.

Gina looked around again at the house and at the woods in front of her. She stepped back onto the porch and sat down in a monkey brown colored chair. She picked up her small pink phone and began to dial Brenda’s number. With each button she pressed with her manicured finger it lit up blue. When she finished dialing Brenda’s number the phone began to ring in a low tone. She then heard a small shrill ring coming from the side of the porch. Gina stepped up from her seat and walked over to that side of the porch. She looked around again and saw nothing. She turned around and leaned on the porch.

“BOO,” a loud voice yelled

“AH,” Gina turned around and jumped. She backed up a couple of steps back and almost fell over. A person wearing a white mask stood in front of her. There were black eye sockets that looked like pairs. There was a small nose and a large open mouth. Gina opened her eyes wide and stepped back. She backed right into the glass door screaming.

“Ha-ha,” a small womanly voice giggled.

“Brenda,” Gina began to ask, “is that you?”

The woman pulled the white mask off of her face. Her dark eyes were shut tight from all of the laughing. She had her brown hair pulled back with multicolored braids. She was wearing a black tank top and pants to match. A metallic chain extended from her right side pocket to a back pocket that was located on her butt.

“That was ****ing hilarious,” Brenda said.

“I’m going to kick your freaking ***.” Gina said.

Gina ran up to Brenda and punched her cinnamon colored arm. She rubbed it with her with her other hand. Her nails were long and pink in color.

“I was just playing around,” Brenda said, “don’t take it so seriously.”

“Well I’m home alone,” Gina started sadly, “plus you come over and scare the crap out of me!”

“Sorry,” Brenda said in a defensive sounding tone.

Brenda walked on to the porch and wrapped on of her dark arms around Gina. Gina looked up at her with her crystal blue eyes and chuckled. Brenda laughed a little too.

“Okay maybe it was a little funny.” Gina said.

The two walked through the small door one by one. Gina walked to the edge of the kitchen and grabbed a cardboard colored bag and shook it up. She flipped the bag open a little and sat it in the microwave. On the ebony colored microwave she pressed a button that said Popcorn in a silver tone. A small yellowish light came on and began to heat up the bag. Small brown kernels began to pop into a yellow, buttery perfection.

“Why are you still here?” Gina asked.

“I’m not walking home at this time of night!” Brenda jumped.

“Well, where are you going to stay?” Gina asked.

“Can I stay the night here?” Brenda asked.

Gina rolled her eyes and watched the popcorn pop in the bag. The small bag blew up bigger as the small kernels grew in size. The microwave beeped a high pitched noise and Gina grabbed the bag of popcorn out of the microwave.

“So what are you going to do?” Brenda asked.

“I planned on watching a movie.” Gina told her.

“What movie are we going to watch then?”

“A scary movie about Pallet Town,” Gina began, “not that there are enough people to kill in Pallet Town.”

“You’re right,” Brenda said.

“Oh,” Gina began to ask, “did you bring Bulbasaur?”

“No, I left him at home,” Brenda said, “it was still light outside when I came over.”

“Yeah but I wanted Charmander to have someone to play with.” Gina explained.

The two walked out of the kitchen and down a narrow hallway with white walls. They entered Gina’s room. Her room was sky blue with small clouds etched onto the walls. Gina had a small twin sized bed in the corner of the room that was all white. There were small wrinkles in the bed. The bed was topped with big fluffy white pillows that looked like real clouds. A small orange lizard Pokemon jumped off the bed and ran up to Brenda. It rested its scaly head on her leg.

“You’re such a good Pokemon,” Brenda said, “he hasn’t lost a bit of his cuteness.”

“Yup,” Gina said, “he looks the same as he did when we first got our Pokemon.”

Brenda scratched the fire type Pokemon’s head. The small Pokemon stepped away and got back on Gina’s bed. Brenda walked to the bed and sat down beside Charmander. She looked up at the ceiling. She cringed when she looked up at the ceiling.

“Ew,” Brenda stated, “the texture of your ceiling is just nasty.”

“Well,” Gina started, “I’m not the one who chose it.”

Gina’s cell phone began to ring. She dug her slender hand in to the pocket of her blue jeans and pulled out her phone. She brought the bright, pink phone to her ear.

“Hello?” She answered in a preppy tone.

“I…see…you,” an abrupt answer came over the phone.

“What?” Gina asked. The phone made a click on the other side. Gina shut her phone and looked at Brenda.

“Well,” Brenda asked, “who was it.”

“I don’t know,” Gina replied, “all he said was I see you in a strange way. Gina’s phone began to ring again. Gina slowly pulled her phone down and checked the caller ID. This time it was her dad. She put the phone to her ear.

“Hey, dad,” Gina answered.

“Hey, Sweetie,” He said over the phone, “we’ll be home in an hour or so.”

“Okay,” she replied cheerfully.

They said good-bye to each other and hung up the phone. Gina plopped on the bed beside Brenda and watched the movie. It was dark and stormy in the movie. A man slowly staggered through someone’s house holding up a knife. They could hear many different screams as the man slashed them up. Gina brought her knees up toward her face and gathered them up with her hands.

“So how’s that boyfriend of yours?” Gina asked Brenda.

“What boyfriend?” Brenda replied in a question.

“You mean you broke up with him?” Gina asked again.

“Well you know what all guys want.” Brenda said. She lifted her arms and bent them up at the elbow. She tightened her hands like fists and move back and forth three or four times. She was biting her brown lip and squinting. All Gina could do was laugh at Brenda.

Gina’s phone began to ring again. Gina did not bother to pay attention to the caller ID and answered her phone.

“Hello?” Gina answered the phone.

“I…still…see…you,” he said over the phone.

“Who the **** are you?” Gina asked.

CRASH! The sound of glass breaking caught everyone’s attention. Gina ran down the hallway and into the living room. She slowly and quietly stepped into the kitchen. She observed the small, shattered pieces of glass surrounding her feet. The crystal pieces shined with a white. Brenda ran into the kitchen and stopped short once she saw all the broken glass. Her ebony colored feet stood still right behind Gina. Gina reached her long, slender arm out and grabbed a large broomstick with yellowish bristles.

“Someone’s out there,” Brenda said, “we need to get the **** out of here.”

“I’m cleaning this up!” Gina yelled at Brenda. She began to sweep the crystal pieces together into a small heap. She grabbed a bluish colored dust pan and swept some of the small pieces into the dust pan. She threw them into the garbage can and swept up some more of the glass.

Brenda looked out at the porch with a frightened look on her face. She saw nothing in the dark night. The only thing she could see was the bright colored wood that made up the porch. Brenda slowly stepped near the broken door. She stuck her head out of the broken pieces and looked around. She did not see anyone. She brought her head back inside the house and turned to Gina. A shadow popped up from behind the railing of the porch and ran to the right. A green fury followed in the actions.

“Gina,” Brenda said, “I’m going to go back into your room.”

“You scared now,” Gina asked.

“Well I was playing with you but someone just tossed a chair into your kitchen,” Brenda started to say, “if I was you I’d get my white *** on the phone and call the damn police.”

Gina looked up at Brenda. Her anger driven faced slowly formed into an emotionless face once Gina realized that she was right. Gina stood up from sweeping the small pieces of glass from off the ground and began to walk away into her room. The phone started to ring once again. Gina looked at the phone and saw in big bold letters Restricted Number go across the screen.

“I’m not going to answer this.” Gina said.

“Of course you’re not,” Brenda asked, “haven’t you seen the movies?”

“Oh yeah where someone crazy jumps in the house and kills everyone?” Gina replied with a question.

“Girl you should call your dad about the whole glass thing too.” Brenda suggested.

Gina swiftly dialed her father’s phone number with her manicured fingers. Each button lit up blue as she pressed the buttons. She held the phone up to her large ear. It rang in a low pitch tone.

“Hello?” Her father answered the phone.

“Hey, Dad,” Gina started her sentence, “I have some bad news.”

“What?” Her father asked.

“Someone threw a chair through the back glass door.” She told him.

“What,” he said, “how the hell?”

“I don’t know,” Gina said.

“You need to go hide and call the police!” He told her. The phone clicked off on her father’s side. Her phone began to ring again. This time she looked and there was the same message as before. She slowly put the phone up to her ear.

“Hello,” she answered quietly.

A man popped through the broken glass yelling out boo. Brenda turned around fast. She screamed and took off down the hallway. She ran into a room right beside Gina’s room. She closed the door and locked it. She crawled into the white bathtub and ducked down where she wasn’t visible.

A green bug Pokemon popped in through the window. A grim smile came over the Pokemon’s face. It’s scaly green body arched over. It had scissor sharp blades for arms and large feet with long claws. Dark eyes stared Gina down. Gina slowly backed up. She gulped and pulled on her pink shirt in nervousness.

“CHARMANDER!” Gina screamed.

Charmander came darting down the hall. It looked the green Pokemon in the eyes.

“Use a flame attack on that Scyther!” Gina called out sacredly.

Charmander whirled its orange head around and let out a huge ball of flame. The Scyther swiftly moved over to dodge it. The fireball landed into the microwave sparking up a fire. The scaly bug Pokemon looked the small orange lizard down and chased him down. Out of fear, Charmander ran down the hall and into the bedroom. Scyther followed behind fastly. Charmander launched another fireball. Scyther put his blades in the way. Slightly burnt, Scyther landed a tackle into Charmander and held him down. Charmander squirmed and wiggled trying to get out of Scyther’s hold. Scyther held the small Pokemon down with one blade. It did not dig it in deep enough to stab the small fire type. The large Pokemon pinned Charmander down in between its legs. It lifted one of the large blades up high in the air. Charmander tilted its head up showing its neck trying to sick lower from the blade. Scyther chopped the blade right into the Pokemon’s neck. It moved the blade along the neck creating a split.

“Scyther!” Scyther called out in satisfaction.

Charmander’s eyes opened wide. A greenish slime oozed out of the slit. The green liquid completely covered the chest and stomach of the Pokemon. Scyther left the room leaving Charmander for dead. He looked at the door located next to Gina’s. He lifted his blades up and began to beat on the door. He tried his hardest to knock through the door.

Gina looked up at the guy who intruded into her home. He was wearing a black long sleeve shirt and pants to match. Black gloves covered his hands along with black boots. His hair was slicked back with jail just touching his neck. The man had a mask over his face to cover his identity. It was a black masquerade ball mask. A black cloth covered his mouth and tied around his neck. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a shiny, silver knife.

“What are you doing?” Gina asked scared.

She slowly stepped back with her feet. Her socks and wrinkles folded as she made steps. The last step she took bump! She felt her calf up against the wooden made table. The table had a glass piece in the middle of the table. It supported glasses and random assortments of colors and books. Gina was trapped in a way. She could take off to the side and might have a chance of escaping. Losing all thoughts and common sense inside of her Gina froze up. The mysterious man walked up right in front of her. Two bony hands came up from his side and he pushed her. Losing balance on both feet, Gina fell backwards into the coffee table.

CRASH!

The sound of glass clang against the floor and rang as the collided into one another. Gina was cut from her head down to her toes. The metallic red color soaked inside of her socks. Gashes and cuts spilled red blood out on her and the white colored floor. The man stepped over her. Gina tried to scoot away but the agony from the wounds was just too much for her. The strange man stepped over her and held up the large knife. Gina just couldn’t do anything to move. The knife pierced right through her heart. The crimson colors began to spray out of the stab wound much faster then the small cuts. Gina lied down with her crystal eyes bugged. The stain of blood ran through her hair turning it colors. Her heart and pulse slowed to nothing. The man stood up and walked off. Gina stayed bug eyed, her eyes and body stayed still.

“Where is the black one?” The man asked in a low, sadistic voice.

Scyther floated down the hall to his master. The master saw the thick greenish liquid that ran from Charmander’s body. The man scratched the bug Pokemon on the head. Scyther floated by the door of the bathroom. The strange man followed the the green flying animal down the hall and to the wooden door.

“We got to get this door down.” The man stated.

Scyther opened its mouth. A green beam formed inside of the Pokemon. Energy came together into small balls and made the ball slightly bigger. As the ball grew a light formed inside of the hallway. Scyther was ready to launch the ball. Aiming directly at the door shot a green beam right at the door. The door broke and deteriorated from the shot. Ducking inside the bathtub, Brenda closed her eyes tight. Slowly without making any noise to be heard without study he stood by the bathtub. Brenda slowly turned her dark head and looked the killer in the face.

“Don’t hurt me!” Brenda cried out. The killer grabbed her black collar and pulled her up. He held her against the wall with his hand. Brenda closed her eyes tight at the moment. She opened them again and took a good look at the killer in front of her.

“Oh my God,” she shouted, “you’re ****ing…”

Brenda was interrupted by a gash that was slit across her neck. The man simply let her go and she fell to the floor. A pool of blood was all that was left around her body.

“Who am I?” The killer asked the dead corpse.

He left the house without bothering to clean up the mess or hide the bodies.

------------------

Still holding my breath. I haven't fully proof read it yet so once I finish the full edits I will update. If you see something wrong point it out so I can fix it.
 
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kcander

I has an Idea
A little disturbing, but no mistakes. I was sad to see charmander get killed. You have bone chilling descriptions. I can’t wait to read more.
 

Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
kcander Thanks for the compliments. I didn't think that it would do so well but you seemed to like it fine. Thanks for reviewing.
 

Diddy

Renegade
Eh.

It was fun to read and all but it didn't feel right.

The sun had not even made a shade of crimson from over the trees. The sky was very dark making the earth below it dark. Trees could just barely be seen from the midnight moon just above them. The earth had cooled a bit from the hot and humid summer day. Stars twinkled in the sky giving off a little more light on the earth. Pokemon looked up and adored the sky from the tallest trees. In all directions the Pokemon and trees shrouded a small city.

This part for example, you constantly talk about trees. It would of flowed better if you didn't constantly reference trees.

Brenda gracefully stepped over to Charmander and gave him a scratch under the chin. She looked him in the eyes and Charmander let a huge smile come over his face. He stuck his small pink tongue came out and gave Brenda a small, wet lick on her face. She pulled away from Charmander and wiped the clear slobber off her face and smiled back at the small Charmander.

Again, I know charmander doesn't have a nickname (I think this paragraph proves that) but do you really have to keep calling it charmander. Youc ould call it the fire type, the *classification* pokemon etc. rather than overusing its species name.

And as for your killer, he reeked of cliche. His appearance and modus operandi for example is just a fusion of Scream and Jason Voorhies.

It did kinda put me off the killer as a character. And while, it wouldn't last long IRL I still think you rushed the deaths.

and *facepalm*

He stabbed the knife right through the door. He kept on making the hole bigger and bigger until he could reach the knob.

Really. He stabbed through a door. What poor build quality doors do they sell in Viridian City?

Overall, disregarding errors etc. I would say it's good, just try to work on your writing a bit more.
 

Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
Diddy Thanks so much for the comments and I guess that you are right. I will try to develop a new character look and then write the story back around that. It's probably because I watched Scream all day yesterday that the killer turned out that way. And the Charmander thing is true as well. And the door thing was because in Scream 3 and 2 he stabbed through a couple of doors. Anyways I'll work on the prologue to make it a little better and write the first chapter. Thanks for reviewing!
 

Diddy

Renegade
Yeah the door stabbing. I was like 'What!?'

I reviewed because, if you check out the fic in my sig, I'm into the whole killer genre aswell.

It also reminds me of the film 'Valenitne' I think thats what I'ts called. Where some high school nerd goes on a rampage against those that 'wronged' him

Don't think of it as cliche, just the killers motivation has been exhausted of almost all ideas.

Hopefully there are more people who took the mick out of him so he can kill them too. =D
 

Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
Diddy Yeah your right. I'm going to think of something and possibly replace the whole door stabbing scene. I'm trying to think of something for Gina's death.

To All I'm working on Chapter One. I am writing it and I'm going to proofread and post it here. *Hugs everyone who commented*

UPDATES: Well I decided instead of writing the first chapter I'm going to rewrite the prologue. I'm going to flesh it out with a little more detail and change the killer and details. Plus I'm going to make it not seem so rushed.
 
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Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
Update Sorry for bumping but the rules I thought I could and whatever so...

Anyways I re-wrote the Prologue for your enjoyment and I am posting it on PokemonElite2000, Pokemon Fan Universe, Fanart-Central, and PokeCommunity
 

Diddy

Renegade
Now, I enjoyed that a lot more than I did the original.

It wasn't as wuick as the first one, the characters took their time to die and there wasn't anything like door stabbing to ruin the mood.

And he had a crazy Scyther to help him, that increased the originality of our killer, making him a lot more enjoyable.

I did see a few spelling mistakes and a few grammar errors but it was better than last time so Good job.
 

kcander

I has an Idea
I must say that I liked the first version better. Your description includes more, but it seems like you are describing everything.

Also this seems to be more of a horror cliche. (Young girls, home alone, watching a scary movie, glass sliding door, knives, ect.)

Now that I think about it the first one seemed like more of a oneshot with the way that it ended.

I still like it don't get me wrong, but this, I don't know.
 

Peter Quill

star-lord
Whoa...That's all i can say.

Youre really descriptive in your killing...I hope to see more.
 

Rippingthunder

Well-Known Member
I remember reading the first version. I didn't review because Diddy had pretty much said everything but there's a couple of things I'd like to give a more in-depth look at now that the revised version is up:

Let me begin by saying how, in my personal opinion, this version is much better than the original. The killer is more believable and the Scyther adds a lot more possibilities to the story. The description is much better this time around but, I'll have to agree with kcander in that it is full of horror movie clichés (This would be a bigger problem if it was a one-shot but, since it's a chaptered story, then I guess we'll se more variety as the plot goes on).

There were some bits and pieces with some mistakes which you might want to correct. For example:

“Someone through a chair through the back glass door.” She told him.

I think 'threw' is what you were going for.

“So how’s that boyfriend of your’s?” Gina asked Brenda.

Just remember to take away the apostrophe.

“AH,” Gina turned around and jumped.

This is just a suggestion but, since Gina just got the living daylights scared out of her, you might want to consider replacing the with an exclamation mark.

The last two things are just personal nit-picks of mine so you can just ignore them if you disagree with them:

“Brenda is so full of ****,” Gina said.

“That was ****ing hilarious,” Brenda said.

“I’m going to kick your freaking ***.” Gina said.

“Who the **** are you?” Gina asked.

I guess four examples should be enough. One of the bigger problems that I have with this story is the gratuitous amounts of swearing at some points. As I said before, this is just a personal problem and it's nothing too big, just a nit-pick.

He left the bathroom and the house leaving both bodies not cleaning up the mess or hiding the bodies.

My second nit-pick is with this sentence. What's the point of mentioning that he's leaving both bodies when, just after that, you mention how he didn't bother to hide them. In short, I'd suggest changing it to something different. Let me give you a suggestion:

He left the house without bothering to clean up the mess or hide the bodies.

That's just a suggestion, you can use it if you want to.

Overall, as I said before I like this version much better. I'm actually curious about the plot so I'll definitely return once the next chapter is up! I hope you keep improving because this story has potential.
 

Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
Diddy Thank you for coming back and giving the re-write a read. I am also glas that you liked it. I am working on the first chapter this week and hope to post it within the next couple of weeks. I like to build up comments and readers. I'm hoping I get more because if it is just you guys I will post the second chapter anyways.

kcander I'm sorry that you did not like it. I figured that you might like it better. It doesn't matter though. I described everything so you could get a picture. Kind of like watching it as a movie in your mind you know. But anyways I hope that you will like the first chapter better.

Moogles4Ever Thank you for the nice comments *gives a cookie*. I am going to give more. I like that woah is all that you can say and I'm glad you like the descriptions.

Rippingthunder Don't worry nit picking is fun isn't it? Anyways I like some of the points that you bring up and I edited some of that towards what you said. The threw/through thing was right and I don't know how I missed it so I am going to edit it everywhere else now. I used your's instead of yours because I thought your's would mean possessive but still. Thanks for taking time!

Evanarios Maybe I have been watching too many horror movies. I don't know. Thanks for commenting and I'm glad that you like it.

Updates So many comments in one night. I am going to look for updates much more often because that was boring (you guys are awesome though so take it easy.) I'm off to go correct my story elsewhere. Bye!

I'm currently working on chapter one. I was producing the rest of the outline of the whole story last night. So tomorrow when I get my Flash Drive back I am going to crack down and get to work on chapter one. School might interfere just a little so you will have to bare with me okay.
 
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Legend of Lucario

Songwriter
UPDATES

Dont kill me please. I am writing this weekend so it will all be okay I sware. I have been sick these last couple of days and busy with school so I havent had time to post anything so please bare with me.
 
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