Viridian Story (G)

[Torosiken]

Viridian Story
Rated G(General) for all ages ^.^

Featuring the story of a wild pikachu ;025;

My friends who joined PIF maybe already know this story...
This one now added in sppf but with edits.

;025;xxx---Prologue---xxx ;025;

....
....
....
*flash of light*
This place... is known as Viridian Forest... This place was a very calm place... some pokemons living here, they're friendly with each others... but... one day...
....
a glimpse of humans with dark black uniform appeared..
and make this forest their own....

they make this forest's happiness...
....
gone....
....
....

xxx------xxx
(sorry for short prologue)

note : pokemon talk here but people not understand the pokemon's language.

;025; xxx---Episode 001---xxx ;025;
Huff…. Huff.. Puff…..
I run and run….
Not stop…
Finally I fall… and fainted…
…

Me… I am a wild Pikachu living at Viridian Forest. Known as a very calm place with some wild pokemons living on it. Until they came… Yeah… people with black uniforms, they caused this all. They attacked us and burn the forest. I can’t forget what they did to us… Never… I will never forget them, especially the person who with that evil smirk, who stand in 1st line with a different outfit than the others…

Now I separated away from my friends… my family… I don’t know what to do. I try to attack them. Now my memories is flashing back again in my head…

“PIKAPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII---!!!!” I jump and attack with my Thundershock. But I lose. They got a big pokemon with them. A high-level one. I only lv3… not enough to attack them… They sent out a rhydon and I lose… But I wonder… why…? Why a pokemon want to work for humans…? For evil needs??? Then I ran away from my home forest, that already burned down. I can feel my tears down… but I keep running never stop… until I fall and fainted at the edge of the forest…

…
The day is coming up. I wake up from my sleep. Where’s dad..? I think. Oh. I just remembered that I were just separated from him…. And all of them. I see the Viridian Forest… it’s have been burned… I can’t go back there anymore. I must find a new place to stay and my family too. Also my friends. Yeah. Now I not believe again in humans. Because they already make my home forest gone…

I walk and walk. I arrived at a city now. Yeah, a small city but not really small and not really big. Some say this city’s name is Pewter. Yeah, not really bad.

Now my stomach say I must go for eat. Yeah, I am hungry right now. So I walked down and find something for eat. I smelled something catches my nose. I followed the smell and I found a cake in a store. I took one and ready to chow. But then…

“Stop steal it you little--!!!” Someone kick me and I can’t get to eat. With hungry stomach and my wounded-body I walk to outside town. Then someone throw me an apple to my head.

“Ouch!” I pick up the apple and searching who threw it for me. Then my ears catches a little sound.
“Here! Over here, Pika!” That sound sure familiar for me. I search for the sound. Then I found it. Caterpie on the three!
“Oh! It’s you Caterpie! Hi! What are you doing here?” I climb the three to meet my friend Caterpie.
“Well… you see… I separated from my family after that whole things… And that persons use their pidgeotto to chase me. But lucky I am, I saved.” Caterpie looks so sad. I can’t say anything. Then I try to cheer my buddy.
“They’re really bad….” Then we have a chit-chat about that thing and eat our apples.

After that, I decided to go with Caterpie to find our family together. Then we enter a cave. Some people say that’s a Mt. Moon. To cross it, we not need to climb, but just use the cave there. Then I and Caterpie enter trough. Deep inside, we see a flash of light. And sound of some people.

“Ssh…” I not want to make noisy sounds now. Then I see the person inside the cave carefully. And how surprised I am! Caterpie too! They’re black-clothes people! They’re here!

“What they’re going to do…?” I getting curious about it.
“Now what we must do..?” Ask Caterpie.
“Let’s walk calmly so they not hear us…” I step one step. Step again. Step. Then.. oh no! I kicked the rock!

They hear us. And heading to the sound.

“Who’s there? Get out!” Now he’s mad…
“Now… RUN CATERPIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” We run as fast as we can.

Because I am an electric mouse, my run is fast. Whew… now we’re save… Right Caterpie..? When I see my side…
“Caterpie! Where’re you!” Oh no! My buddy’s late! Caterpie’s not with me! That’s means… Caterpie still there! I heading back to find my buddy.

Then how surprised I am… Caterpie is captured in a cage now….
“CATERPIE…..!!!!” Caterpie look at me and surprised.
“Pika…!! No!!! Pikachu!! Run!!! Before they catch you too!”

The black peoples hear us. They look at me now. I want to run but I not want to leave caterpie alone…
“But…. But..!” I don’t know what to choose.
“RUN…. Pika….! Run…. NOW!!!!!!!!!!”
I can’t… I’m crying again. I run, trough to other side of the Mt. Moon… Run again, and run….

;025; xxx------xxx ;025;

 

[Yami Ryu]

How about focusing less on spamming pikachu icons, and more on the I dunno, actual writing?

....
*flash of light*
This place... is known as Viridian Forest... This place was a very calm place... some pokemons living here, they're friendly with each others... but... one day...
....
a glimpse of humans with dark black uniform appeared..
and make this forest their own....

they make this forest's happiness...
....
gone....
....
....

I mean wow just wow, that brought a tear to my eye. No wait. It was from a gnat flying into it.

ECLIPSES ABUSE DOES NOT MAKE YOU A WINNER OK?

OK.

LETS SEE WHAT A SIMPLE REWRITE WITH ACTUAL DESCRIPTION CSAN DO.

A glimpse, so quick that if you blinked it would be gone, flashes through your mind. Of people, humans, without any real outstanding features in dark colored uniforms invaded the forest. Claiming it as their own, uncaring of the pain they wrought and the terror they forced to replace the joy that had once filled the woods.

You know what that is. That's an actual quote for a prologue. That's not a listy summary. It's not a few words strung along and held together by dots. It's a god forsaken quote for a part of a summary and no you may not use it or edit it or do anything with it, because it's not my fault, you were lazy.

“PIKAPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII---!!!!” I jump and attack with my Thundershock. But I lose. They got a big pokemon with them. A high-level one. I only lv3… not enough to attack them… They sent out a rhydon and I lose… But I wonder… why…? Why a pokemon want to work for humans…? For evil needs??? Then I ran away from my home forest, that already burned down. I can feel my tears down… but I keep running never stop… until I fall and fainted at the edge of the for

AND PIKACHU DIES BECAUSE THE BIG SCARY POKEMON STEPS ON IT.

The grammar is atrocious even FOR a I take it mentally challenged pikachu?

Sorry but that's game over for you pal. Don't pass go. Don't collect 200. Go straight to Rules and straight to Advice for Aspiring Authors, read them a few times, get a writing program, use it, work on description, pacing, dialogue, pretty much everything a story needs. Ok?

Ok.

 

[Torosiken]

sorry ^^; <-well.. ;025; for just the title XD

yah well.. not really good in making fic T.T

pikachu not die, just fainted XD and with his last energy he ran away.

yah.. my grammar is bad T.T

but I think I passed the rules... (or not...?)

 

[Yami Ryu]

So, wait, you don't want to improve yourself, because your fic passes the rules, or so you think? You don't want to take into account you have a pretty much retarded pikachu who somehow knows his ingame level, somehow knows the others are higher level, not have more experience battling but pure, LEVEL, and against a Rhydon for heaven's sake, and Pikachu just faints, with little to no injury?

Is English your first language? Is it Pikachu's? If not, it's no excuse for how bad, this is. It's no excuse for how bad Pikachu is talking. It's no excuse for how listy this is. For how flat and rushed and bland and poor it is.

Did you read my whole review or did you just skim over it like haha maybe if I post a little it will appease the reviewer and I can continue writing poorly.

And for heaven's sake DO YOU REALLY EXPECT WRITING TO BE EASY? Oh sure to some it comes as natural as breathing BUT FOR THE REST OF US WE WORK HARD ON IT.

If it's to hard for you get out of the kitchen.

If you want to do better- actually go read some books/some other stories posted here, the rules, again, the Advice for Aspiring Author's thread.

I mean would you tell a teacher oh I just am not so good at this about something, and expect them to just go, oh ok sure no problem.

 

[Torosiken]

Thanks for it Yami! And I will try more...

 

[Illusione-Tempus]

I agree with Yami, it was atrocious. And the way you say "I only lv3... I only this, I only that", it's just... wrong!

Her bad grammar, get used to it <_<

Lots of errors I may say, your Indonesian version one wasn't quite attractive -_-

Spoiler: Prologue problems, even though it's short

*flash of light*

Now what on EARTH are you thinking? This is a fic, not an RPG

some pokemon live here, they're friendly with each other... but...

Fixed in bold

Prologue looks dull and boring, tell me about it -_-

Spoiler: Episode 01 problems

I run and run….
Not stopping…
Finally I fall… and fainted…

Fixed in bold

Me… I am a wild Pikachu living at Viridian Forest, which is known as a very calm place with some wild pokemon living on it. Until they came,… Yeah… those people with those creepy black uniforms, they caused this all. They attacked us and burn the forest. I couldn’t forget what they did to us… Never… I wouldn't never forget them, especially the person who with that evil smirk, who stood in the first line with a different outfit than the others…

Bold = Fixed
Italic = Not necessary
Underlined = Added

Now I separated away from my friends… my family… I don’t know what to do. I tried to attack them. Now my memories are flashing back again in my head…

Fixed in bold

“PIKAPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII---!!!!” I jumped and attacked with my Thundershock, but I lost. They got a big pokemon with them, a high-leveled one. I'm only a lv3 Pikachu… I wasn't enough to attack them… They sent out a rhydon and I lost… But I wonder… why…? Why would a pokemon want to work for humans…? For evil needs??? Then I ran away from my home forest, that already burned down. I could feel my tears down… but I kept on running, never stopping… until I fell and fainted at the edge of the forest…

Bold = Fixed
Italic = Not necessary
Underline = added
Bold and Italic = Changes = which was already burned up

The day is coming up. I wake up from my sleep. Where’s dad..? I think. Oh, I just remembered that I was just separated from him…. And all of them. I see the Viridian Forest… it’s have been burned up… I can’t go back there anymore. I must find a new place to stay, and my family too, also my friends. Yeah, now I won't believe again in humans anymore, since they already have made my home forest gone…

Same terms as above

I walk and walk. I arrived at a city now. Yeah, a small city but not really small and not really big. Some say this city’s name is Pewter. Yeah, not really bad.

Biggest change =

I walked, and walked, and soon, I arrived at a city. Well, a city which isn't too small nor too big. Some says that this city's name is Pewter, doesn't sound too bad

Now my stomach says I must go for eat something quick, or I might faint from hunger instead. Yeah, I am hungry right now. So I walked down and find something to eat. I smelled something which caught my nose. I followed the smell and I found a cake in a store, looking good enough to eat. I took one and was ready to chow. But then…

Same terms as above...

“Don't steal it you little--!!!” Someone kicked me and I can’t get to eat that scrumptious cake. With hungry stomach and my wounded-body, I walk to outside town. Then suddenly, someone throw me an apple to my head.

STaA

“Ouch!” I pick up the apple and search who threw it for me. Then, my ears catches a little sound.

“Here! Over here, Pika!” That sound sure sounded familiar for me. I search for the sound. Then I found it. Caterpie on the tree!

“Oh! It’s you Caterpie! Hi! What are you doing here?” I climb the tree to meet my friend Caterpie.

“Well… you see… I got separated from my family after those whole things that happened… And those people used their pidgeotto to chase me. But lucky I am, I'm saved.” Caterpie looks so sad. I can’t say anything, so I try to cheer my buddy up.

“They’re really bad….” Then we have a chit-chat about that thing tragedy and eat our apples.

STaA


I should've taught you about English grammar... -_-

~ Mi10ticFan ;350;

EDIT: Whoops, BB code error

 

[Act]

I agree with Yami, it was atrocious. And the way you say "I only lv3... I only this, I only that", it's just... wrong!

How in the world is that called for? And further, English is obviously not his first language... and you're going to make fun of him for that? What is the maturity age here?


This needs a lot of work, and it might be hard because Indonesian seems to be your first language, not English. You probably should gaze over the rules if only to get an idea of the standard of quality most people will be looking for here. Also, there is a minimum page in Word requirement for the thread to not be closed.

If you're not writing this is Word, I'd have to recommend you do (or, if you don't want to buy it, the program OpenOffice can be downloaded free online). However, the grammatik in Word, while annoying for a native speaker, could probably really help you out as far as getting things to be technically right and affect the overall quality.

You do need to stick to paragraph form, not use emoticons, and if you're going to be writing in any language, it follows that you do need to follow the grammatical rules and you won't have much success if you don't. I'm not sure, for example, why you're using so many ellipses (the "..." punctuation) as it is something that should *not* be used frequently, more for effect. You might want to look into ellipses rules, because I'm sure there are people who could explain it better than I can.

Also, everything needs to be written out. This isn't an RPG-- it isn't acceptable to show actions in asterisks (*action*).


I admire people who know a second language well enough to ever attempt writing, but you do need a lot of work, and it's going to take a lot of effort and probably be difficult to get this up to par. However, it is possible, and I'd be very impressed if you did.

And, crazy as it sounds, yelling at someone who doesn't speak English well for not speaking English well is pretty damn stupid.

 

[Zephyr Flare]

Intelligence and Act, take it to PM, not trawling up the poor newbies thread. Then you can continue the discussion and hopefully not scare them off.

Sandra

 

[Illusione-Tempus]

And, crazy as it sounds, yelling at someone who doesn't speak English well for not speaking English well is pretty damn stupid.

Yeah right, I'll be going to teach her some English grammar tomorrow...
I admit, I'm Indonesian, but my first language is English, which is why I speak better than her... D=

(Be sure to type this in the translator if you want to know)
Maaf ya Toro, tapi aku memang harus melakukannya...
Sebenarnya aku suka ceritanya, tapi cuma karena English grammar yang kamu pake membuatku males membacanya. So sorry...

Well the story's actually touching, that is, without that grammar...
But I have to admit, I was trying to make a fic myself but I can't seem to make the prologue ^^;
*Is preparing a lecture for Torosiken*

Oh, and Torosiken, I won't be continuing that grammar and spelling check. Instead, I want you to redo the whole thing once you have my lessons. Ok?

 

[Torosiken]

Ok then ^^; thanks for that all~ and yeah my grammar is bad T.T Sorry!

I wish I will go for 2nd episode in better grammar XD

 

[Lucariofan-atic]

I'm so sorry that if i hurt your feelings or else like that, but.. seriously, you Really need to fix your grammar...

I tried to attack them.

Underlined: Maybe you mean.. try?

a high-leveled one. I'm only a lv3 Pikachu… I wasn't enough to attack them…

Fix it please. Oh, almost forget, don't use too much spots on your fic. It was a bit.. boring to read.

~Lucariofan-atic ;384;

 

[Torosiken]

Well.. yaaah sorry ^^; my grammar is bad hell yeah XD

I will try to fix it, thanks