Virtual World

[tornado753]

Hope you like this story cause I made more stories about this in my paper. Tell me if you like this. I have been working on the grammer for few months ago. So here the story now.
;152; ( !Chikorita Rule My Life! )


Prologue ~

This is the story about a boy name Gon. He waited so long for his mail to show up. He looked out of his window in his apartment and he saw a mailman carrying a package in his arm. When the mailman left, Gon ran down the stairs then went outside to the mailbox to get his package. When he look at the package, it said, 'To: Gon From: The Game Companies.' Gon was so excited that he never knew that his package will change his life.


Chapter 1 ~ Gon's Life Story ~

The boy went in his apartment and said, "Oh yea! I got the new games I've been ordering!" His name is Gon, he wear a red shirt with long sleeve, green pant that have hole and it sleeve was ripped, and his hair is silver. He wore a red bandana and a pair of white tennis shoe. He also wore a red wristband on his right arm. He ran upstair to his room. He slam the door loudly and his neighbor shout, " Hey, Gon! Try to shut the door more quietly next time!" Gon open his door and apology, "Well! I'm sorry, Bill! I should try to shut the door more quietly next time! So how your wife?" Bill respond, "Oh, she fine but it none of your buisness. Okay?" "Yes, Bill! I understand!" Gon still apology to him. Gon shut the door quietly then went to his bed.
He look at his package he ordered and started to rip it. "Oh yea! Just what the doctor order!" Gon said excitedly. He look in his package and it said, 'SunGolden Version'. It also said, 'Just for GameBoy SP. He put his 'SunGolden Version' in his GameBoy SP then started it. It said, ''Which gender you pick?'' and Gon picked a female and named her 'Jessica.' Gon look at the starter poke'mon for his character. The name of the poke'mon is Grassquil, Heatodile, and Wetarika. Heatodile look like a Totodile but its skin is red and have flame for its back. Wetarika look like Chikorita but its skin is cyan and its leaf on its head is made of water. And at last is Grassquil, Grassquil look like Cyndaquil but its skin is green and its back is leaves. Gon pick Grassquil for ''Jessica's'' poke'mon.
Gon notice something strange in the middle of his GameBoy SP that there a small black hole that sucking Gon in. He was right! His body started to fade away into the game. Ahhh!!!" Gon scream at the top of his lung ( but his lung was already sucked in. ) Gon disappear and Bill came in without knocking the door like he use to. (Boy! He pretty mad at Gon for screaming even he didn't know that he already got sucked into the game.) "Will you be quiet in here...Gon? Huh?" Bill was confused that Bill's wife, Fluer came in. "Bill? Honey, what wrong?" Fluer asked. Bill respond, "Gon left without a trace again. Man, how good is this guy? But he must left to the store to get the battery recharger for his game again!" Bill and Fluer left the room and Bill shut the door quietly. "Where have he gone?" Bill wondered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you like it? I made more than this but I'm busy for couple more day later so I be back to make more story soon.
;239;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Um...there a problem! I have to fixed my story again because it have been deleted from my story. I try to make more again next time if I can fixed my computer. Okay! good luck!

;385; ! DANCE WITH JIRACHI ! ;385;

 

[Klaus]

Sorry, but that confused me. I really don't know who the people are.

FLUER AND BILL!!!!!! THEY BRED!!!

Anyways, sorry, but all I know is that some kid got sucked into a game...

You need to work on paragraphing and description and other things.

Yeah.

As always, be kind to the mime. ;122;

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Prologue ~

This is the story about a boy named Gon. He hadwaited so long for his mail to show up. He looked out of his window in his apartment and he saw a mailman carrying a package in his arm. When the mailman left, Gon ran down the stairs andwent outside to the mailbox to get his package. When he looked at the package, it said, 'To: Gon From: The Game Companies.' Gon was so excited buthe didn't know that his package wouldchange his life.


Chapter 1 ~ Gon's Life Story ~

The boy went in his apartment and said,

"Oh yea! I got the new games I've been ordering!"

His name is Gon. He is wearing a red shirt with long, ripped sleeves, green pants that have holes. His hair is silver. He is wearing a red bandana and a pair of white tennis shoes as well as a red wristband on his right arm.

He ran upstairs to his room. He slammed the door loudly and his neighbor shouted,

"Hey, Gon! Try to shut the door more quietly next time!"

Gon opened his door and apologised,

"Well! I'm sorry, Bill! I'll try to shut the door more quietly next time! So, how your wife?"

Bill responded, "Oh, she fine but it none of your buisness. Okay?"

"Yes, Bill! I understand!" Gon continued to apologise to him.

Then Gon shut the door quietly then went to his bed. He looked at the package he ordered and started to rip it open.

"Oh yea! Just what the doctor order!" Gon said excitedly.

He looked what was in his package and it said, 'SunGolden Version'. It also said, 'Just for GameBoy SP. He put his 'SunGolden Version' in his GameBoy SP then started it. It said, ''Which gender you pick?'' and Gon picked a female and named her 'Jessica.' Gon look at the starter poke'mon for his character. The names of the poke'mon were 'Grassquil', 'Heatodile', and 'Wetarika.' Heatodile looked like a Totodile but its skin was red and it had flames on its back. Wetarika looked like a Chikorita but its skin wascyan and the leaf on its head was made of water. Lastly came Grassquil, which looked like a Cyndaquil but its skin wasgreen and its back was covered with leaves. Gon picked Grassquil for ''Jessica's'' poke'mon.


Gon noticed something strange in the middle of his GameBoy SP - that there a small black hole that was sucking Gon in! His body started to fade away into the game.

"Ahhh!!!" Gon screamed at the top of his lungs (Though his lungs were already sucked in. )

Gon disappeared and Bill came in without knocking the door like he use to. (He pretty mad at Gon for screaming because he didn't know that he had been sucked into the game.)

"Will you be quiet in here...Gon? Huh?" Bill was confused so Bill's wife, Fluer came in.

"Bill? Honey, what wrong?" Fluer asked.

Bill replied, "Gon left without a trace again. Man, how good is this guy? But he must gone to the store to get the battery recharger for his game again!"

Bill and Fluer left the room and Bill shut the door quietly.

"Where has he gone?" Bill wondered.

And THAT, my friend, is a corrected version of your fic. There's quite a bit of correction in there, so I'm going to assume you're not familiar with the rules of grammar/punctuation/etc. Can I suggest you get a beta reader? A beta reader proof reads your fic, making any corrections like that. They can also advise you on the actual content of your fic. It's like having someone review your fic before you even post it so that when you do post, your chapter is better than it would have been and there's less for your readers to be put off by/criticise. I'd volunteer to beta this for you, as long as you don't mind unreliability in the time management category... I'm kinda busy so I CAN beta... but it might take me a while.

Failing having someone beta your fic, just run this through the Word Spellchecker and it will pick up on most of the grammatical/punctuation errors for you.

As for the actual content of the story, I'd say it's a work in progress. You've picked a topic that's been used a lot before (ie: character gets sucked into game). That doesn't make your story bad. What it means is thatyou have a migger challenge ahead of yourself to make it original.

Having different starters is a great way to introduce originality. Just be careful that they're not simple mixes of the Johto starters. It's fine to mix pokemon, but remember that each and every creature has a mind, personality and opinion of its own and should be treated as an individual character in its own right. What I've found readers really appreciate is seeing pokemon that are as complex and well developed as their trainers. Both human and pokemon characters should be people that your readers can relate to.

A handy tip for creating believable characters is to picture what you would do in the characters situation. And when you do this, don't think of what you'd LIKE to be able to do... if you reckon that you'd get scared and run away, leaving someone else in danger have the character do that. If you reckon you'd try to fight an attacker, but mess up, have the character do that. Believeable characters have believable actions.

ANYWAY.. that's enough ranting. >< I tend to go into overdrive and just start prattling on and on and o-... enough of that. Basically, great start, but be careful with the way you proceed from here. Your fic has potential, but it's up to you to bring it out. So have fun with the next chapter and if you want me to beta, just PM and say so. Good luck!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Dilasc]

Your grammatical skills... they do not exist. The story is too short, the people have no description or personality, and the plot of entering the game world screams 'MY NAME IS MARIA JANA SUZANNA, WORSHIP ME! WORSHIP ME!'

You have lots to work on, like double checking your work.

Bill and Fluer left the room and Bill shut the quietly. "Where have he gone?" Bill wondered.

What noun is a quietly? I thought any genious would shut a door, but maybe I'm just a nincompoop. Also, where have he gone is WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! It should be has, not have! Also, another cliche is just LOATHE! Rehashes of the Pokemon we know with basically a new name and a slightly altered appearance. Wetakorita? Nope! Pokemon names can only be ten letters and four syllables long at maximum! Wetakorita is 5 syllables long, and is thus very awkward.

Basically, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Did you write this up in a word processor, or did you use the reply box? If it was he reply box, then sham! Shame on you!

I suggest you read stories by authors with a high star rating in order to get an idea about what's accepted and not accepted around here, if you want to go far, that is.

 

[tornado753]

Chapter 2 ~ A new friend ~

"H-holy...!!" screamed Gon.
Before he even finish his setence, he hit the ground hard after falling from thirty feet in the air. He got up and rub his head then look up at the sky. He said, "Werid... That hurt bad." He look around to see where he are then he felt something tickling his leg. He look down and said, "H-holy!" What he saw is a pokemon and it got a leaves on its back. "Grassquil? Where are you?" someone shouted. Gon look up and saw a girl running straight to Gon. She wore a blue pant, white t-shirt, and a white cap with red line around it. She came up to Gon and said, "Oh, thank you for finding Grassquil. By the way, what your name? I'm Jessica." Gon replied, "I-I'm Gon. So this is your pokemom?" She nodded.
Gon pick up Grassquil and said, " Ok...here you go. He just came up to me." Jessica said, "I know! Grassquil love visitors, I pick him because he so cute." "Okay..." Gon said nervously, " Well, I'm off now." Jessica ask, " Wait! Maybe you can stay at my place if you want to?" "Okay...fine by me." agreed Gon. Gon follow Jessica to her house and then went in, Gon went inside. Jessica said, "You sleep in the basement 'cause I only sleep in the top floor. So have a good rest." Gon went downstair and saw alot of poster of pokemons and a Gamecube with a wide screen tv. Gon thought, "Now this is what I want in my apartment."
Gon started playing the Gamecube for awhile then went upstair to look for foods to eat since he been suck in the game. When he arrive, he spot some man talking to Jessica. So he started to eavesdropping them. The man said, "Jessica, this pokemon was so hungry and lonely that nobody want him. So can you take care of him for a while?" He gave Jessica a pokemon and Jessica respond, "Yes, I will, Professor." The professor turn around and spotted Gon eavesdropping and said, "Who are you?" Gon flinched and then said, "Uh, sorry... P-professor. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I was just hungry." Jessica said, "Professor, this is Gon. He's new here." The professor said, "Hmm...Well sorry for being rude but my name's Professor Cherry." Gon snicker. The professor kept talking, "And I'm giving you a new pokemon right now for laughing at me." He pick the pokemon out of Jessica's hand and gave it to Gon.
"This is Firesaur, a new breed of pokemon. Combination of fire and grass." said Professor Cherry, "And Jessica. Hope you do well in your journey to become a pokemon master. Good bye." Professor Cherry left and Jessica waved good bye to him. Gon look down at Firesaur he gotten for teasing the professor's name. It look like Bulbasaur but its skin is dark orange and its back have a small volcano. "He so cute! Right, Gon?" said Jessica. Gon look away from Firesaur and said, "W-wat? Oh, he is..." Gon carry Firesaur downstair to sleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, Gon woke up and saw Firesaur sleeping next to him. Gon sigh and went back to sleep. "Wake up, sleepyhead! I made breakfast!" shout Jessica from the kicthen. Gon mumble, "Five more minutes..." Jessica went downstair and shout, "I said wake up moron!!" Gon startled and fell over then said, "Fine. I get up..." Jessica went back to the kicthen as Gon change his clothes then Gon went upstair. "Whoa!" said Gon as he saw the table pile with breakfast. There different kind of foods like cereals, bacons, eggs, and ect. "Did you made all these?" ask Gon. Jessica said, "Yes. What wrong? Don't like my cooking?" "N-no! These are good." said Gon. Gon sat down and started eating like crazy since he forgot to look for food last night after he been caught eavesdropping. Jessica said, "Man! You do like my cooking. Maybe I should make less foods next times? H-hey! Leave some for me!" But Gon ingore her while eating most of the foods.

End Of Chapter 2

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Busy busy! I have a busy day ahead!

~~~~~~~~~~

;385; ! Dance With Jirachu ! ;385;

 

[tornado753]

Hello reader! I'm back after few months and I have writen a new chapter now. It short but hope you like it

;385; ! DANCE WITH JIRACHU ! ;385;

 

[Dilasc]

Your grammer sounds like it came out of a translator, and was then sent through a cheese grater, but was already butchered before it was sent through either. You may want to read the rules and Advice threads, seriously.

She wore a blue pant

Hot damn! She's quarter-naked, you dirty boy!

 

[UltaFlame]

what the usually 3 chapter make me take up at least an hour! but here. here i read all three in five minutes! god what'd you do (hmm i want to type a story. next minute your typing away on your keybpoard in the reply box really whats up with that) don't less than try at a rate of 0% a chapter was a single paragraph! and your prologue is supposed to be at least a page long not a sentence! and don't type in a random reply just to bump your story

 

[Zephyr Flare]

What was the point of the prologue?

Why are these so damn short?

Why are you ignoring the advice given?

Get a beta reader fast dude <<

Sandra